0:00:02 > 0:00:03Across the UK...
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08What does it want from us?
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Thousands of children...
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Hoping they will be chosen.
0:00:11 > 0:00:16One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18He is...
0:00:18 > 0:00:20The Joke Master.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22That's my name, don't wear it out!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25And this is The Joke Machine.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Joke Machine, activate!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Joke machine, activate!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Where are we going?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47THEY CHEER
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Let's get cracking, jokers!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56What have you got for me?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58What do you call a man that doesn't like jam?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59What?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- A jammy dodger. - BUZZER
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh, that is the worst jam joke I have ever heard.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05You're the worst person I've ever heard!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09Well, I'm not going to preserve that comment!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Aaagh!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Send in the next one.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Why was the boy unhappy to win first prize
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- at the Halloween costume competition?- Why?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Because he only came to pick up his sister.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22APPLAUSE Zoom, zoom, boom, boom, yeah!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- BELL CHIMES - I get that a lot.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Ho, ho! I hope the good times keep coming!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29What have you got for me?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31What kind of key opens a banana?
0:01:31 > 0:01:33A monkey.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35APPLAUSE You put the fun in funny.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- BELL CHIMES - Yeah!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Jokey, jokey jokes!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44A man came running into the hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47"I only have 59 more seconds to live!" And the doctor said,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"Sit over there, I'll be with you in one minute".
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Badoom-tish!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53But then he's not going to survi...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55That's why it's funny! APPLAUSE
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- BELL CHIMES - Yay!
0:01:57 > 0:02:00We have hit the triple, ladies and gentlemen!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02What did the horse say in the fridge?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- What? - Brrrrrr!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06BUZZER Ney!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Ah, ah, ah!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Tell me your joke.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14What's the difference between homework and an onion?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15HE CRUNCHES APPLE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Nobody cries when you cut up homework.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That was almost as good as this apple! Which means it was good.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- BELL CHIMES, APPLAUSE - Yeah!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Hey, this counts as one of my five a day. Next class!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39We are awesome!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Joke time!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Where am I?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50It's a machine of jokes. Do you understand?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52- Think so! - Good. Tell me a joke.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I was playing in a football match
0:02:54 > 0:02:59and I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger...
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- And then it hit me. - BUZZER
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Do I like this joke? No, I don't like this joke. Grrr!
0:03:06 > 0:03:07This better not be a bad one!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09One day, a man came to our door.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11He said he was collecting for the children's home.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12So my dad gave him all of us.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15APPLAUSE Good joke!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- BELL CHIMES - Yes!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Hmmm, I want more jokes!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22What kind of trees and do maths teachers climb?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Don't know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Geometries.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27BUZZER Not funny. Not funny. Not funny.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30D'oh! That joke was the best!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Here comes Cupcake!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- GROWLING - Aaaagh!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Send in the next one.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?- What?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Milk and quackers.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46As my Russian grandmother would say, "Nyes nyus nyis nash nush nushgu".
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I don't know what she was saying, but I'm pretty confident it was,
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"That's funny!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- BELL CHIMES, APPLAUSE - Yes!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I want some more! I want some more!
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Why is concrete lumpy?
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Why?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Cement to be.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00BUZZER Was that cement to be so awful?
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Well, if you think you could do a better joke,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04then come up here and do it!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I can do it right from here!
0:04:06 > 0:04:09What happened when the red light saw the blue light? He said...
0:04:09 > 0:04:11actually, I haven't got time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- Where am I?- You are in a joke machine.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Stop pirouetting.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Do you really, really know me?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Uh... Yeah...
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Will you ever forget me?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Hopefully not.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21OK, knock, knock.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Who's there?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Oh, you've forgotten me already! - BUZZER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Stop knocking on my door, whoever you are.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Aaah! Let me out!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Hmmm... Who was the victor?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35It was...
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40St Joseph's!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yeah!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- At least you got your health, Mapledean.- Boo!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Whoo, we got some good stuff there!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51But too many bad... PHONE RINGS
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm on my way home...
0:04:54 > 0:04:56OK... Joke you later.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Whoops, yeah, love you, love you...
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Joke you later, jokesters!