0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Across the UK... - ..sightings have been reported
0:07:04 > 0:07:05of a mysterious object in the sky.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07What does it want from us?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Thousands of children... - ..hoping they will be chosen.
0:07:10 > 0:07:15One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16He is...
0:07:18 > 0:07:19..the Joke Master.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21That's me!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23And this is The Joke Machine.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Joke machine, activate!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32PFFFFPPPFFT!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I've not been well.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Joke machine, activate.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40PFFFFPPPFFT!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Where are we going?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47THEY SCREAM
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Let's get these jokers cracking up.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Bring on the joke train.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03A woman was in a shoe shop trying on a pair of shoes.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"They're a bit tight," she said to the shop assistant.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07The shop assistant replies,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09"Try them with the tongue out."
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- LISPING: - "They're still a bit tight!"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14That made me laugh.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15Yay!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Thumbs up!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19A man walked into a pet shop and he said,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"Can I get a parrot for my wife?"
0:08:21 > 0:08:22And the woman said,
0:08:22 > 0:08:23"Sorry, we don't do swaps."
0:08:23 > 0:08:27BUZZER Oh, you cannot win with that joke, lassie.
0:08:27 > 0:08:28I'd like to see you try.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32OK. There was a monkey and a rooster and they...
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Eh, I haven't got time.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Come on, buddy, hit me with it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41What happened when the robber went into the chippy?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44The fish got battered and the chips got ASSAULTED!
0:08:44 > 0:08:46BUZZER
0:08:46 > 0:08:47ALARM BEEPS
0:08:47 > 0:08:50It's another fish joke!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Just leave.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Ah!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Bring in the next one.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Why did the orange take the prune to the party?- Why?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Because it couldn't find a DATE!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06BUZZER Not funny!
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Oh, come on. Give me a good one.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16How do you make a sausage roll?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Push it down a hill.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Classic!
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Yeah!
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Let's keep it going.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- What do you call a line of Barbies? - What?
0:09:26 > 0:09:27A "BARBIE-CUE."
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Hot dog, that's funny!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Ya-hoo! Woo-hoo!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Other unrealistic female role models are available.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Bring in the next victims! I mean, jokers.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46THEY CHEER
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Jokers are go-go. Go.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Mmm... I want more jokes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03What?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06One's an Australian marsupial who lives in Australia
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and the other is a Geordie stuck in an elevator...
0:10:09 > 0:10:10"I CAN'T-GER-ROOT!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Why aye, man, that's funny, like.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Yay!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18WITH GEORDIE ACCENT I don't own a coat.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- Why don't aliens eat clowns?- Why?
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Because they taste funny.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24BUZZER
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Ag! I'm being taken over by an alien. Er, that joke is not funny.
0:10:28 > 0:10:29Oh, come on!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Ugh. What just happened?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38This will be a good one, I feel it in me bones.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- What's the fastest cake in the world?- What?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Scone.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45SCO-ONE yourself, buddy.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Yeah!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Sco-on one, mate. Doesn't work.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50There's two polar bears that have just made friends.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52One of them says,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55"What part of the Arctic Circle does your mummy come from?" "Alaska."
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"Don't bother, I'll ASK HER, myself."
0:10:57 > 0:10:59BUZZER Oh, mate.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Hiya.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04There was a boy who called 999 saying,
0:11:04 > 0:11:05"I need your help."
0:11:05 > 0:11:08999 said, "What's the problem?"
0:11:08 > 0:11:10The boy says, "Two girls fighting over me."
0:11:10 > 0:11:12999 said, "So, what's your emergency?"
0:11:12 > 0:11:13"The ugly one's winning.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15BUZZER She's probably got a great personality.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It's not all about looks!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Why did the elephant paint himself in different colours?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28So he could fit in the crayon box.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29BUZZER
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Um, what I think you've done is taken words and you put them together,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34but you've forgotten to form them into a joke.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35This is so depressing!
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Hmm, who is the victor?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It was...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46You!
0:11:46 > 0:11:47THEY CHEER
0:11:47 > 0:11:48St Bride's.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51THEY BOO
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Keep booing, you just sound like a cow with a cold.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Whew!
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Got some good jokes there, but I need more!
0:12:02 > 0:12:03So, I'll see you again.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Joke you later, jokesters.