0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Across the UK...- Sightings have been reported of a mysterious
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- object in the sky. - What does it want from us?
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- Thousands of children... - Hoping they will be chosen.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17He is...
0:00:18 > 0:00:19..the Joke Master.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Did someone say...
0:00:22 > 0:00:23my name?
0:00:23 > 0:00:26And this is...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Joke Machine, activate!
0:00:32 > 0:00:37SIRENS BLARE Ah! Oh! Aaahh!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Joke Machine, activate.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Where are we going?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Let's get cracking, jokers!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Have we got a funny one here?- Yes.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Says who?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02My mum.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Tell me the joke.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05- Knock, knock.- Who's there?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Cows.- Cows who?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Cows don't who, they moo!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Tell your mum that I said she's right.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Yay!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Next.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Why did the spaceman leave the disco?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Don't know.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Because there's no atmosphere.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Boom ka-ching!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Boom ka-ching-ching-ching! Good joke.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Just pay me in tens and twenties and that'll be fine.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Let's not bring money into this.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34The Joke Machine is a non-profit organisation.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- Why do bees have sticky hair?- Why?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Because they use honeycombs!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41BUZZER Negative on the ha-ha.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Nuh-uh, you don't say that about my joke.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Yuh-huh, I did say that about your joke.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Hiya!
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- What do you call an elf singer?- What?
0:01:54 > 0:01:55Elf-is!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Woo-hoo!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!
0:01:59 > 0:02:00More, more, more!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Why does the gorilla have such big nostrils?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Because he has such big fingers.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08BUZZER Joke not funny. Sad face.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well, I think it's good.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Goodbye.- No...
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Bring in the next victims... I mean, jokers!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34OK, Class 2, am I buying what you're selling?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Hmm?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38One-two-three! Jokes!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Do you think volcanoes are hot?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Er, yes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Why don't you marry it, then?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46You can't. Good luck getting a marriage certificate for that one.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That's not fair!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51SHE SCREAMS
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Volcanoes can't even do a signature.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Hit me with it.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking."
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient."
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Please tell me you didn't think that was funny.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Get your facts right, because I'm the funniest person in Manchester,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and all you do is sit down and listen to jokes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And if you're so good at jokes, tell me one.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16I bet I won't laugh.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20What did one child from Manchester say to a child from Liverpool?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Ha-ha! Nothing, because the kid from Wigan was in the way!
0:03:23 > 0:03:28You're making me laugh, you're that pathetic.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Well, a laugh's a laugh, which is more than you got, buddy.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Tell me your joke.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What did the big phone say to the little phone?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40What?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You're too young to be engaged.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Yes! Funny, and really good life advice.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Yes! I did it!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Next joke.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Why doesn't a caterpillar play football?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Why?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Because it takes a lot of time to put his football trainers on.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Wait, wait...
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Yeah, it would take ages. Ha-ha!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Yay!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I want some more.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Knock, knock.- Who's there?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- Atch.- Atch who?
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Bless you. Do you need some tissues?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12BUZZER No. I need you to leave my doorway
0:04:12 > 0:04:13and stop spreading the cold.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Shock. Horror.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17This can't be happening.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I'm the funniest person I know.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23And this is the funniest joke on Planet Earth.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You're the only person you know,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and it's not the funniest joke on this Earth.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I can beat you any day, Joke Master!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Ah! Ahhhh!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Bye-bye!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Hmm... Who was the victor?
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It was... DRUM ROLL
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47CHEERING St Mary's!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51BOOING Do better, Holy Trinity.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Some good jokes there, team.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57But not enough!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59So we're going to have to do this again.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Joke you later.