0:00:00 > 0:00:00NEW: THE JOKE MACHINE CBI F660R/01 HSG010470
1:03:02 > 1:03:04- All across the UK... - ..sightings have been reported
1:03:04 > 1:03:07- of a mysterious object in the sky. - What does it want from us?
1:03:07 > 1:03:09Thousands of children...
1:03:09 > 1:03:10..hoping they will be chosen.
1:03:10 > 1:03:16One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. He is...
1:03:18 > 1:03:20..the Joke Master.
1:03:20 > 1:03:25- Did someone say my name? - And this is the Joke Machine.
1:03:28 > 1:03:30Joke machine, activate.
1:03:30 > 1:03:32PFFFFRRRRT!
1:03:32 > 1:03:33I haven't been well.
1:03:33 > 1:03:35PFFRRT!
1:03:35 > 1:03:36Joke machine, activate.
1:03:39 > 1:03:41Where are we going?
1:03:43 > 1:03:45- ALL:- Milton Park!
1:03:48 > 1:03:51Shall we get cracking, jokers?
1:03:53 > 1:03:54Joke away.
1:03:54 > 1:03:58Why is it true that carrots give you super-vision?
1:03:58 > 1:03:59Why?
1:03:59 > 1:04:02Well, you don't see a rabbit wearing glasses.
1:04:02 > 1:04:04Never has a truer word been spoken in jest.
1:04:04 > 1:04:06Yeah, baby!
1:04:08 > 1:04:10# Do the robot Do the robot... #
1:04:13 > 1:04:15Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?
1:04:15 > 1:04:16To draw the curtains.
1:04:16 > 1:04:18Well, that was rubbish.
1:04:18 > 1:04:20YOU'RE rubbish!
1:04:22 > 1:04:23SCREAMING
1:04:25 > 1:04:27What have you got for me?
1:04:27 > 1:04:29What did the dentist say when his wife baked a cake?
1:04:29 > 1:04:30I don't know. What?
1:04:30 > 1:04:31Can I do the filling?
1:04:31 > 1:04:32HE LAUGHS
1:04:32 > 1:04:35Well, I hope you booked your appointment at...
1:04:35 > 1:04:37TOOTH-HURTY!
1:04:37 > 1:04:38CHEERING
1:04:39 > 1:04:42Why doesn't Harry Styles ever get lost?
1:04:42 > 1:04:44Because he goes in ONE DIRECTION.
1:04:44 > 1:04:47Oh, I love Harry Styles!
1:04:47 > 1:04:49He lights up the room like nobody else!
1:04:49 > 1:04:51Yeah!
1:04:51 > 1:04:53He just doesn't know he's beautiful!
1:04:53 > 1:04:56- What is a cow's favourite song? - What?
1:04:56 > 1:04:58# I like to MOOve it, MOOve it... #
1:04:58 > 1:04:59You're MILKING it.
1:04:59 > 1:05:01You are dumb!
1:05:01 > 1:05:05The only thing dumb about me are the dumbbells that I pump.
1:05:06 > 1:05:09I haven't got one here. It's mimed.
1:05:10 > 1:05:12SCREAMING
1:05:12 > 1:05:14- Next! - Where do cows go on school trips?
1:05:14 > 1:05:16HE GROANS
1:05:16 > 1:05:18To the MOOseum.
1:05:18 > 1:05:22Is this school sponsored by cows? MOOving on...!
1:05:24 > 1:05:26Class one, done.
1:05:29 > 1:05:31Class two, what have you got?
1:05:36 > 1:05:39THEY CHEER
1:05:43 > 1:05:44Join the Joke Battle!
1:05:46 > 1:05:48# Hit me with your joke, yeah! #
1:05:48 > 1:05:50"Doctor, doctor, I can't sleep."
1:05:50 > 1:05:53"Lie on the edge of your bed and you'll soon drop-off."
1:05:53 > 1:05:56HE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER I want to visit that doctor!
1:05:56 > 1:05:58Yes!
1:05:58 > 1:05:59Let's keep it going!
1:05:59 > 1:06:02There were two cats having a race in a raft.
1:06:02 > 1:06:06One was called One-Two-Three, and the other was called Un-Deux-Trois.
1:06:06 > 1:06:07What cat won the race?
1:06:07 > 1:06:08I don't know!
1:06:08 > 1:06:11One-Two-Three, because Un-Deux-Trois CAT SANK.
1:06:11 > 1:06:15You're smart, you're funny, and you remind me of moi.
1:06:15 > 1:06:18Yay!
1:06:18 > 1:06:19Next.
1:06:19 > 1:06:21What is a pilot's favourite packet of crisps?
1:06:21 > 1:06:22What?
1:06:22 > 1:06:24PLAIN.
1:06:24 > 1:06:26What's Cupcake's favourite flavour of crisp?
1:06:26 > 1:06:27You!
1:06:29 > 1:06:31Argh!
1:06:31 > 1:06:33HE CHUCKLES EVILLY
1:06:33 > 1:06:36There is an Irishman and he wanted to join the army.
1:06:36 > 1:06:38He got to the final interview and the general said,
1:06:38 > 1:06:41"Right, then - what does 'surrender' mean?"
1:06:41 > 1:06:44And the Irishman said, "Um...
1:06:44 > 1:06:45"I give up."
1:06:45 > 1:06:48I am shutting the door on that joke.
1:06:48 > 1:06:50You don't know...
1:06:50 > 1:06:51Slam!
1:06:54 > 1:06:55What have you got?
1:06:55 > 1:06:58There was a tyre in the road one day and I said,
1:06:58 > 1:07:00"Somebody must have re-TYRE-d..."
1:07:00 > 1:07:03That would NEVER, in a million years, be funny!
1:07:03 > 1:07:05Boo!
1:07:05 > 1:07:07AAAARGH!
1:07:09 > 1:07:10AAAARGH!
1:07:10 > 1:07:14Please! I just need a good joke!
1:07:14 > 1:07:16What do you call a jelly in a pram?
1:07:16 > 1:07:18I've got no idea.
1:07:18 > 1:07:19Jelly baby.
1:07:19 > 1:07:22Oh, that really hurt my funny bone!
1:07:22 > 1:07:23Get out!
1:07:23 > 1:07:24What is wrong with you?!
1:07:24 > 1:07:27I should ask you that question.
1:07:30 > 1:07:33Hmm...who was the victor?
1:07:33 > 1:07:35It was...
1:07:35 > 1:07:36You!
1:07:36 > 1:07:38THEY CHEER
1:07:38 > 1:07:41Milton Park!
1:07:41 > 1:07:42THEY BOO
1:07:42 > 1:07:46This disappointment is just preparing you for life.
1:07:46 > 1:07:50Some good jokes there, team. But not enough!
1:07:50 > 1:07:53So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later!