0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Across the UK...- ..sightings have been reported
0:00:04 > 0:00:05of a mysterious object in the sky.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08What does it want from us? Thousands of children...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10..hoping they will be chosen.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes,
0:00:15 > 0:00:20he is the Joke Master.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Did someone say my name?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24And this is The Joke Machine.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Joke Machine activate.
0:00:30 > 0:00:31ENGINES SWITCH OFF
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Sorry, cupcake.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Joke Machine activate!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Where are we going?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Let's get cracking, jokers!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Go, go, go.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Why did the skeleton go to the Chinese?
0:01:00 > 0:01:01To get spare ribs.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I hope he put salt and pepper on it.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Yay!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Other national cuisines are available. Ha-ha-ha!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10What do you call a useless pencil?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Pointless.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15That joke was un-un-un-funny!
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Why are you called the Joke Master?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19You should be called the Boring Master.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22You're right, I need to spice up my life a little bit more.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I'm going to do this, this, this, this,
0:01:25 > 0:01:26and bye!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30Send in the next one.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33What did the head teacher say to the egg?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- What?- You're egg-spelled.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He-he-he! Egg pun!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42More, more, more!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44How do you keep someone in suspense?
0:01:44 > 0:01:45How?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- I'll tell you next week. - No, you won't.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53This had better not be a bad one.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Two peanuts went to the park,
0:01:55 > 0:01:56one was a-salted.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59No, no and no.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What do you know? What's your best joke?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04What's orange and sounds like a carrot?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I don't have time, bye!
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Give me a good one!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11One day someone from the local rotary club
0:02:11 > 0:02:12came to my door and asked,
0:02:12 > 0:02:15"Would you like to give a small donation towards the local pool?"
0:02:15 > 0:02:17So I gave them a glass of water.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Ha-ha-ha!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Oh, wait, I've broken it, I've broken it.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25It's fine, fine.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Bring in the next victims, I mean, jokers.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Cracking up time, jokesters.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Joke away.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I don't know, he was at somebody else's house?
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Cos it was his duty.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54CHEERING Smiling!
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Yeah!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58This will be a good one, I can feel it in me bones.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02- What did Sean Connery say when he put a wonky shelf?- What?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- AS SEAN CONNERY:- I'm ashamed of my shelf.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06AS SEAN CONNERY: That's not funny, Miss Moneypenny.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Joke it up.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Three good reasons to go to school.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17One, the video shop doesn't open until four o'clock.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Two, the heating goes off at home at nine o'clock.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21And three,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24you learn what life will be like when you're old and grumpy
0:03:24 > 0:03:26by watching the teachers at break time.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29And four, you have to listen to tedious jokes
0:03:29 > 0:03:31from children like you.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32You don't know anything about jokes
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and you couldn't do any better than I did.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38No-one goes to video stores any more. What, are you from the '80s?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41You mean you're an old man who doesn't have any sense of humour.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46I'm an old man who knows that you can legally download films now.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Ah!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What's that you're doing?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55It's just my nervous dance.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Tell me your joke.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00There were three men in the woods, they found a magical slide.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Whatever you said when you go down the slide,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04you land in a pot of.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06The first man said, "Gold."
0:04:06 > 0:04:08The second man said, "Silver."
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And the third man said, "Whee!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:14He landed in a pot of wee! Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Yes!
0:04:16 > 0:04:17What an idiot.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20What do you call an underground train full of professors?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22A tube of Smarties.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Denied!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Hmm. Who was the victor?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32It was...
0:04:32 > 0:04:33you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37St Margaret's! CHEERING
0:04:37 > 0:04:41BOOING See you later, Cestria.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47Phew! Some good jokes there but not enough
0:04:47 > 0:04:49so we'll have to do it again.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Joke you later!