0:00:07 > 0:00:10Street diary - day 115...
0:00:10 > 0:00:15Final chewing gum ran out yesterday, cannibalism now the only option.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19I reckon I may survive another week, if I gnaw off my own foot.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24I hope and pray my ordeal will soon be over.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Why are you talking to your phone?
0:00:26 > 0:00:31I'm sharing the horrific boredom of standing in this queue for two days
0:00:31 > 0:00:35with the Revengers on my website, doctorrevenge.com.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- Are you Doctor Revenge?- Yep.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39And I'm about to share the story
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- of how I came to be here in the first place.- Mind if I listen in?
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Please yourself. But...it won't be pretty.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49DIALS PHONE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# Oh, get her, get him
0:00:51 > 0:00:52# Gettin' even ain't a sin
0:00:52 > 0:00:54# Sister, Mel and brother, Will
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# Make 'em take a bitter pill
0:00:56 > 0:00:58# Serve it up luke warm
0:00:58 > 0:01:02# It's the song before the storm
0:01:02 > 0:01:03# Oh, look out world
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# Your sandwich is cooked
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Your tea's gone cold and now you're getting old
0:01:08 > 0:01:10# You know the boy with the camera
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# He's gonna scam ya
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# Harder than Stonehenge
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# It's gonna be a mighty revenge. #
0:01:19 > 0:01:22'It started off as just and ordinary day.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24'Dad was moaning about his back,
0:01:24 > 0:01:28'and Mel was expecting a visit from ANOTHER boyfriend.'
0:01:28 > 0:01:31HE MOANS "For your convenience,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35"The Slumbermeister 9,000 also features 97 orthopaedic motors
0:01:35 > 0:01:39"to assist in body posture." HE GROANS
0:01:39 > 0:01:40"The Slumbermeister 9,000
0:01:40 > 0:01:44"also has the latest in stereo speaker technology
0:01:44 > 0:01:46"built into the cushion area." Oh, yeah!
0:01:46 > 0:01:51- This is just what I need for my bad back.- Dad, you don't have a bad back.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I do. I've been suffering in silence for too long.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I need the Slumbermeister 9,000.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I just need to convince your mum to give me the money to buy it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05First stage - gotta leave this where she'll see it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10- Where should I leave it?- The fridge. She's always in there.- Great idea!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12DOORBELL RINGS
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Hi...- Steve!- Oh, oohh!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26'When Mel greets a boyfriend,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31'it's like one of those wildlife programmes, isn't it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- 'A lion snacking on a zebra.' - LION GROWLS AND MUNCHES
0:02:35 > 0:02:37'Steve The Dream.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42'What makes Steve different from the other million boyfriends
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- 'is that he's actually nice.' - MEL GROWLS
0:02:45 > 0:02:46Get lost, Alis!
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- Can't anyone have a little privacy around here?!- Ooh, ah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53'I'm hoping, that if she doesn't eat him first,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55'Mel will marry Steve and at last,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58'I'll have someone in the family on my side.'
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Actually, Mel, Alistair's right.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06The moon IS made of green cheese.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07NASA has confirmed it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10In fact, Alistair is almost always right.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14And I think it's about time you all listened to him. Don't you?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Yes, we should! - We really are very sorry.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- I don't think you should call him Alis any more.- Oh, yeah?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Well, he's my brother. I'll call him what I want.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28If I call him Alis, what are YOU gonna do about it?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30HE GROWLS AND CHEWS
0:03:34 > 0:03:37'That's how life should be.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38'How I thought it might be,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42'until later that day, when Mel was on the phone...'
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- SHE LAUGHS - You're so bad, Travis.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46'Travis The Terrible.'
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Of course I'm gonna dump Steve. I'm waiting for the right moment.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Have you got two boyfriends on the go?- Maybe!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56I can't even get one girlfriend
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- and you've got two blokes after you. - Jealous?- No.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07First meeting of the Revengers is now in session.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- I thought it was in the shed.- No!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12When a meeting starts, it's in session
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and usually there's someone to take the minutes.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- I can do that.- OK. Go.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23First item of business, REVENGE on Mel's new boyfriend.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24DOG GROWLS
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- I thought you liked Steve. - Not Steve! Travis!- Ten seconds.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Steve's her ex-boyfriend.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34He just doesn't know it yet, and I HATE Travis.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- This is Travis, and we need your sofa.- Sorry, busy.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Hey, Frodo, shift!- No!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Let me clarify...
0:04:49 > 0:04:51HE LAUGHS
0:04:52 > 0:04:55MEL AND TRAVIS KISS
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Travis must pay for that! And for making Mel dump Steve.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I need a special revenge. Suggestions?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Drop a piano from a tall building,
0:05:06 > 0:05:10just as Travis is walking underneath. Splat!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Love it in theory, but...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Waste of a piano.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Let's go to...the vault!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33HINGES CREAK SPOOKILY
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Mum's chorizo and pilchard curry caused explosive diarrhoea
0:05:37 > 0:05:40in everyone who tried it three weeks ago.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Imagine what leftovers could do now. - ALL: Ohh.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48TRAVIS FARTS LOUDLY
0:05:52 > 0:05:56Would you like to hear my special fart? I call it Mega Death.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Maybe another time. I was eager to share this revenge
0:06:00 > 0:06:03with my fellow Revengers on my webcam.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05But when I got back to my room...
0:06:09 > 0:06:10- It was gone!- But where?!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13What kind of monster could have done such a thing?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17You're finding your next girlfriend on the internet?
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- That's the most dangerous way of dating.- I can do it safely.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25- Why do it at all?- I've already been out with the hot girls in school,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29so I start going out with the non-hotties, no way, or go wider.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Thanks for inviting me in to watch, but...
0:06:33 > 0:06:40I just thought...that you might know a few dating sites. That's all.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Why didn't you say so?! Shift!
0:07:01 > 0:07:06OK, I've registered your profile with 58 of the best dating sites.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10So far, you've got...mmm...
0:07:10 > 0:07:1327 e-mails responding to that profile.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Now I usually wait until I've got about 300,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19then I reply to the best 10 prospects.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Mum! Will's got my computer and didn't ask to borrow it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- It's not fair. Do something about it.- Go away, Alistair.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35- Did you hear me?!- Yes, I did!
0:07:35 > 0:07:39William's got the computer. The family computer. Boo-hoo!
0:07:39 > 0:07:43If that's the worst that ever happens to you, I envy you!
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Have you seen the paper?!
0:07:47 > 0:07:54- Oh, no.- Jubilee Hargrove has got her own cooking spot on the BBC!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Jubilee Hargorve! The woman can't even boil an egg
0:07:58 > 0:08:01without an ambulance crew standing by.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06Real television while I'm still stuck on cable!
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I have got to raise my celebrity chef profile!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I've got to! It's now or never!
0:08:12 > 0:08:17There is no justice in this world, Alistair. None!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Mmm...that was kind of my point.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Go on. Go on. Go on!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Oh! Aw, God, my back!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Oh, the pain!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Oh, it's you, Alistair. I thought it was your mum.- Dad!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Will stole the computer from my room without asking.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47The curse of the Fury men, we see what we want and we grab it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52That's how I strained my back at work, reaching for the last doughnut.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54So what about the computer?!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57What would make me feel better is an orthopaedic bed.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Mention it to your mum when you next see her.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Make it sound like your idea. ALISTAIR SIGHS
0:09:04 > 0:09:05It's at these moments
0:09:05 > 0:09:09when conventional sources of justice are denied,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- that you turn to...- Revenge!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13You're learning.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21'Step one - Ralph had to borrow his dad's computer.'
0:09:31 > 0:09:35'Next, I got him to long onto Will's Find A Honey page,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38'using Will's password, superstar.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40'Then, replace his profile photo
0:09:40 > 0:09:43'with the one on the memory stick I gave him.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48'And finally, in Will's hobbies section, I got him to delete rugby,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'sports and James Bond films,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54'and put in links to Friends of the Ballet,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57'and the Panto Dame Appreciation Society.'
0:10:01 > 0:10:02'Job done.'
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Wow! Ralph helped you get revenge on your brother?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Yep, while I worked on a very special revenge for Travis.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12TRAVIS AND MEL KISS
0:10:12 > 0:10:15'The teapot of terror revenge was genius,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19'because the poo potion would only affect Travis,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22'cos Mel hates tea.'
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Yes!- Nothing. Didn't know you drank tea.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- It's not for me.- Ooh, anyone I know?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- It's Mum's producer, Michael.- What?!
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Oops!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Alistair, you've grown. Sadly not enough.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Right! Michael, mission -
0:10:45 > 0:10:50profile raising. Objective - me on the BBC! Question -
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- how?- Well, Celia...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Hmm.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Hmm. Hmmm.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02There are many variables here.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- It's a swamp... - HIS STOMACH RUMBLES
0:11:05 > 0:11:06HE FARTS LOUDLY
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- HE COUGHS - Sorry.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10I...oh, excuse me.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Ooh, ah, erm, anyway, as I was saying,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17erm...hmm...ew...erm...
0:11:17 > 0:11:21We need a strategy that isn't just a lot of hot air!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HIS STOMACH RUMBLES AND HE FARTS
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Michael!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Yeah! Oh! - HE CONTINUES FARTING
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Alistair!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33I honestly didn't hear Mum. I was busy hiding.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37But I haven't forgotten about the revenge on Mel and Travis.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41'My fellow Revenger was already out putting the dumper boyfriend
0:11:41 > 0:11:45'by snaffling his SIM card revenge into operation.'
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- HIS STOMACH RUMBLES - Ooh. Ah, thank you.- More tea?- No!
0:12:18 > 0:12:22No, no, I don't think my insides will be able to take it.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Let's get straight down to work. - Hmm.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29You need your profile raising. I've got just the thing.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32STOMACH CONTINUES TO RUMBLE
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Oh! A sandwich toaster.
0:12:36 > 0:12:41No. Well, yes. But not just ANY sandwich toaster.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45The Celia Fury Crisp'n'Crunchy Sandwich Sultan.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I haven't quite finished designing the box.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Oh!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59By endorsing this product, we get your name into the shops,
0:12:59 > 0:13:03onto the bus shelters, onto the supermarket magazines.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Even the BBC won't be able to ignore your utter celebrity.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12They'll see someone who merits...
0:13:12 > 0:13:17nay, DESERVES their own prime-time cookery show.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20So simple a child could use it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24You have to say something about children.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30What has a sandwich toaster got to do with any of this?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I'm just building suspense.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37- What about Travis? Did you just forget about him?- Forget? Oh no.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Aaron had sent Mel two texts
0:13:39 > 0:13:43using the SIM card he had snaffled from Travis's phone,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47so it looked like the texts had come from Travis.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52The first one read...
0:13:52 > 0:13:57"Meet me behind newsagent for non-stop snog sesh.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59"Love, Travis."
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And the second one read,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04"Mel, ignore last message,
0:14:04 > 0:14:09"meant to send it to Sharon Hughes, love, Travis."
0:14:09 > 0:14:14'Meanwhile, the Will the Wallflower revenge was bubbling along nicely.'
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Wah!
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- Hello, William.- Let's talk about my Find A Honey page.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22You've got a Find A Honey page?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24'I'll draw a veil over the rest of this
0:14:24 > 0:14:27'for viewers of a nervous disposition.'
0:14:27 > 0:14:29And you're not coming out!
0:14:29 > 0:14:34'Will wasn't happy with what I'd done to his Find A Honey page.'
0:14:34 > 0:14:35BUBBLING
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Help! Help! Let me out!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Let me out!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45HE GASPS
0:14:45 > 0:14:49By the way... Ooh! ..I've put the computer webcam back in your room.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I use the school computers to send my girlfriend e-mails.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- I think yours has a virus.- You've given my computer a virus?!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Get me out! Let me out!
0:14:59 > 0:15:00Hurry up!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- You haven't been to school. - HE GASPS
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- What are you breathing? - You don't want to know.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07I'll get Will for this.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I know what would be a good revenge -
0:15:09 > 0:15:12embarrass him on his first date with his new girlfriend
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- by her not turning up.- He doesn't have a new girlfriend.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Can't...breathe!
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Unless, Aaron, you've got to make William fall in love with you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah! What?!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- But I'm a boy.- He doesn't know that.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29You e-mail him as a girl called Aariella Lovelybits or something,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32arrange a date and then stand him up.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34What do you think, Alistair?
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Alistair?
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Oh! Oh!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40HE COUGHS
0:15:40 > 0:15:43HE GASPS FOR AIR
0:15:45 > 0:15:49'Attention, fellow revengers. I've got a computer virus,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52'so you may see some weird stuff for a bit.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54'Like that...'
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Which one do you think for my new publicity photos?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03The purple or lilac?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07"The Slumbermeister 9,000 is guaranteed to slightly improve
0:16:07 > 0:16:11"your back or else you can return it for a 6% refund of purchase price."
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Who could refuse an offer like that?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Em... Me!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Come on, Celia.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It's heated...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22with a remote control...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24HE GROANS ..and a back massager.
0:16:24 > 0:16:29Oh, and a chocolate biscuit dispenser.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I need this bed. Look at me.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Look at me. I'm a shadow of my former self
0:16:36 > 0:16:38and it's getting worse.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You wouldn't want to see me totally immobile?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45How would I tell the difference?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49- So I can order one?- I think purple.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It says, "Fashionable, but knows risotto."
0:16:53 > 0:16:54So you're not saying no?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Result...
0:16:57 > 0:16:59HE HUMS
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Hello, Slumbermeister telesales?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Yeah... I'd like to order the 9,000, please.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It's Fury...
0:17:11 > 0:17:1347 Atrocity Road...
0:17:15 > 0:17:19'By the next morning, Dad's bed had arrived.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28'And Mum was getting to grips with her sandwich maker.'
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Wooh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32WHIZZ!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Mum, I'm so hungry, have you got anything...?
0:17:39 > 0:17:44- What's that?- It's only the future of snackertainment.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- FIZZ! - Woah! Can I have a go?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Be my guest.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51It's supposed to be so simple a child could use it.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55So perhaps you could get it to work. I can't.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02ROARING
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Come in. Look, look, look, look.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10It's the Rolls-Royce of beds. Huh?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Huh? Isn't that incredible? Hmm?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Where's Will?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17He tried to make a sandwich and now Mum's taken him to the hospital.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Oh, well. I'll just show him later.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Now, watch this. Ahh!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Hmmm-mmmm.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Now this bed is special and no-one must touch it
0:18:30 > 0:18:33or the remote control - it was very expensive.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38So expensive I think I can only buy Christmas presents for two of you.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42'I know what that means. No Christmas pressies for me.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44'It is so not fair,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48'especially as Will's about to get a birthday party at the Chicken Shack
0:18:48 > 0:18:50'and an enormous birthday pressie!'
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Ah, William, about your enormous birthday present.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Yeah?- Yeah, I'm afraid I'm in no fit state to buy it.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59So, what I want you to do
0:18:59 > 0:19:01is to pop down to Crosspatch Games tomorrow
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and buy yourself a new PU-360 game console.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Yeah! Agh!
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Then bring it back, wrap it
0:19:08 > 0:19:12and put a label on it saying, "To William, all my love, Dad."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And in smaller letters, "And Mum."
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Then give it to me so I can give it to you for your birthday.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Yes!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh, and take Alistair with you if you need a hand.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25'Typical.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29'Not only is he getting a whacking great birthday present,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- 'I'm going to...'- Alistair, shift, I need your bedroom.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm busy. Snog somewhere else.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39There is nowhere else. Mum's rules - no visitors in bedrooms.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Now get out. Travis wants to apologise to me.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Babe, I've got nothing to apologise for. I didn't send any messages.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Get off.- But I'll apologise anyway -
0:19:48 > 0:19:51again. Bye, Ali Baba!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- MUSIC PLAYS - What's that?- Dunno.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's stopped. Come on.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:07 > 0:20:09No, it seems to be coming from...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11your pants.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16'Job done.'
0:20:16 > 0:20:19You sewed a musical chip into your sister's knickers?!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Yip! And it worked great.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Put Travis off Mel which led to a massive argument
0:20:25 > 0:20:27and he stormed out never to be seen again.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Now it was time for a revenge on Dad
0:20:30 > 0:20:34for spending all my Christmas present money on a minging bed!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Right, so now I have to go to the vet!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41- Mmm?- The cat got its tail caught in the Sandwich Sultan.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- Hmm. I thought it tasted a bit furry. - Now, listen, Sean.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48When I'm gone, you might actually have to get out of bed.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- What?!- I may not be back in time
0:20:50 > 0:20:52for the new Sandwich Sultan being delivered.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Leave the bed? Get out of the nice comfy bed?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- What if my legs don't work any more? - Sean, it's important.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Michael has got me and the Sandwich Sultan
0:21:03 > 0:21:06a 90-second slot on the Yummy Show on BBC Three.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11- Finally, proper TV.- Actually, BBC Three is a cable channel.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Shut up, Sean. It's the BBC.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18And if I'm going to use a sandwich maker named after me, live,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22on air, I'd rather one that doesn't kill people. Understand?
0:21:22 > 0:21:26If that doorbell rings, you answer it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30OK. Very important. "Answer it."
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Gotcha!
0:21:34 > 0:21:36OK...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Time for a gameshow.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Oh!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43The webcam is mended.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And a big thank you to little brother Max from Atlanta, Georgia
0:21:47 > 0:21:53who suggested I reprogramme Dad's TV remote to the same frequency
0:21:53 > 0:21:56as the remote control that controls the bed.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11HE PANTS
0:22:21 > 0:22:22What's going on?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Here...
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Wait there.
0:22:28 > 0:22:29Hello.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Is that when I came into the story, 36 hours ago?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36No! 36 hours and two minutes.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39For two minutes was how long it took
0:22:39 > 0:22:41for Will to wriggle out of waiting with me.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43What?!
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Bummer!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48He said the PU-360 doesn't go on sale for another 48 hours.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50And we've got to queue!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Queue up? Two days? We can't.- I can't.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I've got a date with Aariella Lovelybits in three hours.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01- I need that time to get ready.- Hold on!- Dad said you had to help me.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03If you don't then I'll tell him
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and with all the pain he's in, he'll disown you
0:23:05 > 0:23:09and get something useful, like a tortoise, instead.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13If you do it, I'll let you play on the PU-360 one minute a week.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- 60!- Two.- 30.- 2½.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- 15!- 10. Final offer. - OK. But I want it in writing.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Deal.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29To sum up. Dad's Bed-eater revenge - success.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Mel's SIM card revenge - success.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36And Will's Wallflower revenge - succ...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Will! Eugh! Disgusting.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Guess what, Alis?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- Aariella Lovelybits didn't turn up to lunch.- I'm sorry.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46But Aaron Price did.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- Well, sometimes lovely. - He said he felt guilty.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54He cried in front of people. He apologised.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56And he thinks I'm sensitive!
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Argh! Is that your rugby sock?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Mmm. And it's still wet.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Eugh!
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- Is he always like that?- No. Sometimes he's a real pig.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- No... ..Hello, Alistair. - Steve, please.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13No, Mel, I'm sorry. Leave me alone. I told you it's over.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15- Over?- Over?- Yes.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I don't talk to anyone who dumps me.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- She didn't dump you.- Oh, yeah?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23What else would you call sending me a text that says,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- "You smell, love, Mel?"- Oops.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27That might have been me.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31I had a copy of Mel's SIM card and after Travis stomped off,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34to make sure he'd never come back, I sent him a text
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and maybe I sent it to you by accident.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39That's great you stick up for your big sister,
0:24:39 > 0:24:41but, I'm sorry, it's over.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Goodbye.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44BOTH: Steve!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I hate technology!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47I believe you, Alis.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Not the hockey sock!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Alistair, look,
0:24:51 > 0:24:55the PU-360s have arrived, come on!
0:25:07 > 0:25:13OK, I've had to elbow aside three six-year-olds and a granny,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17but here is Will's PU-360.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Alistair, that's brilliant. Well done.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Now take it back.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- OK, I'll get the wrapping paper. What?!- Take it back.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25We can't afford it.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I've just spent two days queuing on a pavement.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I'm sorry, but between this bed and your mum's sandwich maker,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34the electricity meter's gone rocketing
0:25:34 > 0:25:39and Mel wants a brand new mobile with hi-tech anti-tampering features.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I bet she does.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46According to my sums. We either have to return that or this bed...
0:25:46 > 0:25:51- That's 48 hours of my life wasted! - Oh, well, what you gonna do?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Wah!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01HE LAUGHS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# Revenge, revenge, revenge... #
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Oh! Alistair, don't go anywhere. I need you.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Since when?
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Since I discovered BBC Three are sending cameras for a live link-up.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38They want a child to demonstrate the Sandwich Sultan.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I'm not going near that deathtrap!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45IT SNARLS
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Don't be silly, darling.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Melanie and William aren't dead.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54And technically it was your fault your father was trapped in his bed
0:26:54 > 0:26:56when the safe Sandwich Sultan arrived.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59So now it's back in Taiwan,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01So, come on, darling. Be a sport.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03To help Mummy's career.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Sometimes I think you don't deserve me.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, thank you, darling.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17My lovely son, Albert...Alistair,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21will demonstrate that my Sandwich Sultan is so simple
0:27:21 > 0:27:22a child could use it.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28ALISTAIR SCREAMS LOUDLY
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Oops!