0:00:02 > 0:00:04So there I was, hard at it, doing me homework, when my ma comes in.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Ah, history!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Gossip's fancy cousin.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Your assignment is to write the life story
0:00:16 > 0:00:18of a historical figure of your choice.
0:00:18 > 0:00:23- I want...- He wants every fact, every figure, every single detail.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25I don't know where to start.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27What do I know about the woman who built France
0:00:27 > 0:00:29or the man who invented hiccups?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Why not try writing about the person you know best?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- Who's that?- You. We're all a part of history.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Ma was right.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38But did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Sometimes I wish even I didn't know.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Me da was very persuasive, though.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46You know what HE'S like when he gets fired up about something.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53- Do that, then. - So I'm writing it all down.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57The life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Cos these are The Roy Files.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00- MANY VOICES:- Roy!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I'd like you all to meet somebody.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07This is my pet cockroach, Derek.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10I don't know why I called him that. It just seemed to fit.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Just look at his little face!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Cute and lovable.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16He gets that from me.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Weird and disgusting, that's all he gets from you.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Yeah, good to see you too, Sis.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23What's that, buddy?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25OK, I'll ask her.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Derek was just wondering
0:01:27 > 0:01:29if that lady cockroach in your hair was single.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31What? Argh!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Gotcha!- That's not funny!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It is a little bit funny.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Now, where was I?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Ah, yes. I just love animals.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm making balloon animals.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47It's harder than I thought but I'm getting the hang of it.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48I've made...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51..a worm...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54..panda's big toe
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and panda's other big toe.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00All animals. You name it, I love it.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- What's that?- Either an emperor penguin or a blue-winged goose.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08What does a blue-winged goose look like?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10No idea.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12What does an emperor penguin look like?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16There's always been a special bond between me and the animal kingdom.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20But don't worry, Derek, cockroaches are me favourite.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22That's because you've got so much in common.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- You think so?- Yeah.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Because you're both pests and nobody wants you in their house.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29She's only jealous
0:02:29 > 0:02:31because she doesn't understand animals the way I do.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Do you want to play fetch? Yeah?
0:02:33 > 0:02:34OK. Come on.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Nnnnnnnnnngggg-ah!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38DOG BARKS
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Have you ever seen someone who likes playing fetch more than a dog?
0:02:44 > 0:02:45No. You?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I can really get inside an animal's head.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Unfortunately, sometimes they can get inside mine too.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- ROY CHATTERS AND SQUEAKS - What in the blue blazes is going on?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58He's just getting into the spirit of things, sir.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01You know, trying to see things from the animal's perspective.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Role-play.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Well, I, for one, am delighted to see one of my students
0:03:05 > 0:03:07expressing himself so freely.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09ROY GRUNTS
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Although, now we may be bordering on the inappropriate.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13OK, that's enough, Roy, now.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Stop it, Roy. Roy, stop it!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Roy, stop that this instant or I'll have you suspended!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19ROY CHATTERS
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Unhand me! Roy!
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Unhand me!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29ROY GROWLS PLAYFULLY
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Will you stop?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Roy! Roy, what are you doing? Stop it at once!
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Listen to your mother, Roy.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40I've never seen such a senseless waste of cupcakes.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I don't know what Hammo's problem was.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I mean, who doesn't love cupcakes?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50but your simian misadventures were the absolute and total limit.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52My what? Were the what, now?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56He means he didn't like it when you turned into that great big monkey.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Thanks, Da.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I don't know. Why can't teachers just talk like other humans?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Pfff. Search me.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06You know, I think I get on better with animals than humans.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Well, not all animals.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Why are you worrying? He's friendly, Roy.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13CAT MEOWS
0:04:13 > 0:04:15All right, Mungo.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Right, onwards and upwards, huh?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20That Mungo was one nasty cat.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21CAT MEOWS
0:04:21 > 0:04:24That's enough out of you, Mungo.
0:04:24 > 0:04:25CAT MEOWS
0:04:27 > 0:04:29CAT MEOWS
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Maura... Maura!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I reckon Aunt Bridie never fed that horrible old furball.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38He just lives off a diet of cartoon fingers.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Do I have to? - It won't take you a minute. Go on.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44I know, but he's going to be there.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47He won't be there. Come on. Good boy.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Come on, love, it's getting cold.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51ROY SIGHS
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Have you got it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Almost.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58CAT SCREECHES
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Argh!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Good lad. You see?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04That wasn't too bad, now, was it?
0:05:06 > 0:05:09But the worst of it is, even though I'm mad about animals,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12me ma and da say I'm not old enough for a proper pet.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14All I ever got was a goldfish.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15What's his name?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I don't know. How about...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Rover?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Welcome, Rover.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Rover was cool but, you know,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26it's not like we ever played down in the park
0:05:26 > 0:05:27or howled at the moon together.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And I'm not saying you're not a proper pet either, Derek,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32but Ma and Da don't even know about you.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33They wouldn't understand.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36That's why we keep you secret.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Oh, really! How very interesting.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Ma! Da!
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Shh! What are you doing?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44What's all the shouting about?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Yeah. I can hardly hear myself making me sandwich.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You know Roy's friend Derek that he's always talking about?
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Well, he's not human. He's a...
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I forgot me sister was a rat.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- What's Becky talking about, Roy? - Stop trying to change the subject.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- What subject? - Why I can't have a pet.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I think it's you that's trying to change the subject.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Just answer the question.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Please!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- What kind of dog do you want?- Bill!
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- What?- I'm not living with a dog.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Why not?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Because they're smelly, they're messy.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Sounds more like you.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Mam, tell him!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You're not responsible enough to look after a dog.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yeah, I am!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Listen, love, we already talked about this.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25The last thing this house needs
0:06:25 > 0:06:27is another great slobbering messy brute
0:06:27 > 0:06:30eating us out of house and home.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Listen to your mother, Son.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35We've already got one of those.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37The thing is, when a cartoon boy gets upset,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40who knows what trouble it will lead to?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I wanted to have a dog so much that I actually turned into one.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Don't ask me how. It's a cartoon thing.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Mrs O'Brien. Lovely to see you again.
0:06:52 > 0:06:53RAPID PANTING
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Roy!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Poor baby!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You call this a minor injury?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,
0:07:02 > 0:07:07but your canine misadventures really were the absolute and total limit.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Da, translation, please.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Basically, he thought that you turning into a dog was nuts.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Thanks, Da.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16- Where are yous going?- Shopping.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Roy's going to need a...a bowl,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21a doggy basket and...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23One of those plastic toys he can chew on.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Well, you're not leaving him with me.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- I'm meeting me friends in town. - Well, not any more you're not.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33ROY PANTS RAPIDLY
0:07:33 > 0:07:36'Being a dog really opened me eyes to what it was like being a pet.'
0:07:36 > 0:07:37ROY BARKS
0:07:37 > 0:07:39'And it wasn't all good.'
0:07:39 > 0:07:41CAR HORN BEEPS
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Stupid dog! Get out of the way!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45ROY WHIMPERS
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Ready to score the winning goal in the European Cup final?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51'Then again, there was an upside too.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54'No homework and no bedroom to tidy.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57'Just playing all day. Result!'
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I thought it was hard keeping up with a cartoon boy.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Keeping up with a cartoon dog is twice as bad.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04What are you eating?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- 'Plus, there were lots of new ways...'- Spit it out!
0:08:07 > 0:08:08'..to gross out Becky,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11'and grossing out Becky just never gets old.'
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Gross! - ROY BARKS
0:08:25 > 0:08:28That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29ROY BARKS
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You are beyond revolting.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You keep a pet cockroach and use the lawn for a toilet.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Could you be more disgusting?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Totally. You forgot about the frogs in the bathroom.- Ugh!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43SHE HUMS
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54What choice did I have?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I had to give Winston and Francesca a home
0:08:56 > 0:08:59after I saved them from that deranged killer.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Scalpel.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10The chloroform
0:09:10 > 0:09:13will knock the frogs out,
0:09:13 > 0:09:17so they won't feel any pain at all.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And now...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26we introduce...
0:09:27 > 0:09:29..the frogs!
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I've seen some sights around, O'Brien,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33but your amphibian misadventures
0:09:33 > 0:09:37really, really were the absolute and total limit.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Hammo didn't like it when I messed with the frogs?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47PUPILS LAUGH
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Right, what's going on here?
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Where are the frogs?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02'After that close shave, it was down to me to keep them safe.'
0:10:02 > 0:10:06It's time for me to teach you how to be frogs.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Here I go.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11So, in the wild, this is how frogs communicate with each other.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13ROY STRUGGLES
0:10:17 > 0:10:18I'm all right...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20I'm all right.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I'm not all right.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'If they were going to survive in the wild, they had a lot to learn.'
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Hopping.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Essential in the wild for a quick escape.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Could save your life.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34BOING! CRASH!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36FROG RIBBITS
0:10:37 > 0:10:42Luckily, they had a survival expert on hand to teach them the ropes.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46We're going to learn how to use those tongues, lads.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Right?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51So, let's say you want that big, juicy fly on the wall.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Who could resist those little froggy fellas?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Turns out me ma could.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03About the frogs...
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Really?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07They're frogs.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- They're disgusting. - ROY GASPS
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I'm afraid they're going to have to go.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17ROY GASPS
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Shhh.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23I don't want to but it's for your own good.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Maybe some day, years from now,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28you'll understand,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30when you have children of your own.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Go free and live your own lives.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Are you sure they'll be all right?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It's the best place for them, Roy.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43There're safe now.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Goodbye, Francesca!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Goodbye, Winston!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57As it turned out,
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Winston and Francesca had left me a little present.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Well, a few hundred of them, actually.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08And it turns out Winston and Francesca had hundreds of babies.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Seriously, me ma found them hopping in the garden.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Roooooooooyyyyyy!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I don't think I've ever seen her angrier than she was that day.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Maybe that has something to do with her not wanting me to have a pet.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Anyway, plenty to think about when it comes to pets and animals,
0:12:25 > 0:12:28but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Dogs are a lot smarter than we think.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33For starters, we feed them, wash them
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and then pick up their poo for them.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Who's really in charge there?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'm not saying they're taking over the world
0:12:39 > 0:12:42but we should probably keep an eye on them anyway.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46And, remember, pets are not toys or accessories.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47They're just like us.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Well, not humans but,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51you know, people.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Well, they're not people but...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Look, just be nice to your pets, OK?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And, finally, pets are a big responsibility.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02So if you do get a pet, make sure you look after it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Right, Derek?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Derek?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Wait a sec. You're not Derek.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10And who are you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11And who are those lads?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13This can't be good.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Anyway, there you go. Scrapbook sorted.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Now, where did Derek get to?
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Roy, come down for your...
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Aaaaaarrrrgh!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Uh-oh. Sounds like me ma just found Derek.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I've got to go. See yous.