0:00:02 > 0:00:05So there I was, hard at it, doing my homework, when my ma comes in.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammond.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13Ah, history - gossip's fancy cousin.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Your assignment is to write
0:00:15 > 0:00:18the life story of a historical figure of your choice.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- I want...- He wants every fact,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24every figure and every single detail.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I don't know where to start.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What do I know about the woman who built France,
0:00:28 > 0:00:30or the man who invented hiccups?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Why not try writing about the person you know best?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- Who's that? You? - We're all a part of history.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Ma was right, but did I really want
0:00:36 > 0:00:38everybody knowing everything about me?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Cos sometimes, I wish even I didn't know.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42My da was a very persuasive, though.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46You know what he's like when he gets riled up about something.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Do that.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54So, I'm writing it all down -
0:00:54 > 0:00:57the life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59cos these are The Roy Files.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Roy!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Right, this one has to go in the scrapbook and it's a biggie.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10OK. When you're growing up, weird things start to happen.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Some are things you can see,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15like when your body decides to redecorate and says,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18maybe you'd look good with a couple of spots.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I can't believe it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I woke up this morning and look - another one.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And sometimes, those spots get lonely
0:01:25 > 0:01:27and invite all their friends over.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29The state of me.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33If that happens to you, I hope your spots aren't as mouthy as mine.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Well, well, look who it is.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39Miss Prissy Pants, Spanner Head,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Bulldog's Bum and his sidekick Mood Boy.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Do we have to sit with this pack of losers?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Shut it! 'But the weirdest change isn't the way you look,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50'it's the way you feel.'
0:01:51 > 0:01:54'It's like you've been taken over by an alien or something
0:01:54 > 0:01:56'and you can't control yourself...
0:01:58 > 0:02:01'..especially when you're a cartoon boy.'
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Can anybody tell me which muscle pumps the blood around our bodies?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11The heart.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Very good, Roy. - LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:18One minute, girls just seem bossy and annoying
0:02:18 > 0:02:19and then the next, well...
0:02:19 > 0:02:23some of them are still bossy and annoying, but not all of them,
0:02:23 > 0:02:25some are just... deadly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Are you OK?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29'Yeah. Love is powerful stuff.'
0:02:29 > 0:02:36True love can cause dizziness, love sickness and even fainting.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But, like Beauty and the Beast,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43it doesn't take long before the two characters finally realise
0:02:43 > 0:02:46they were meant for each other.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48What's wrong with you?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50'And it can catch you by surprise.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53'Believe me, I've learned that the hard way.'
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I think I might be in love with Kathy.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58- ALL: You think you're in love with Kathy?- Shh!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's just every time I'm around her, I feel all woozy.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Me and Kathy? Can you believe it?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I couldn't. Falling in love with her certainly wasn't on my to-do list.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- You're in for it now, cartoon boy. - Leave him alone, Kathy.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Sinead?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Well, tough luck, Roy chose me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17So, Roy, I accept.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20You can take me on a Valentine's date.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Carry this.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sometimes, you just can't stop the magic happening.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Although, looking back, I wasn't really in love with Kathy.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32'It was all down to her eau de toilette.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34'But sometimes, it's no mistake.'
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Oh! LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Kissy, kissy, Roy.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Do you know what? I reckon Tara would love to see this.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Give it back, or else!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50But get this. The dream came true.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I was actually going to kiss Tara.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Unfortunately, it was in the school play
0:03:55 > 0:03:56and in front of the whole class.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I didn't know what to do.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I'd never kissed a girl before.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03He's worried about having to kiss the girl in the play.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, don't be worried.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Sure, you have an expert in your corner here, huh?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10See, it's all about confidence, son.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Just be confident and it will happen.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Really?- Oh, yeah.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18I was floating on air after me first kiss.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It was the best kiss I ever had.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Was it, Ma?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Not at all, no. Her name was Wanda...
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I Wanda...wonder...what the...
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't a very good kiss at all.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33In fact, it was a brutal kiss.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36'You might be lucky enough to have an older brother or sister
0:04:36 > 0:04:38'who can help you out with this sort of thing.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40'Yeah, YOU might be lucky enough, not ME.'
0:04:40 > 0:04:42The only thing you need to remember
0:04:42 > 0:04:44is to have plenty of spit in your mouth.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Really?- Yeah, nothing worse than a dry kiss.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Oh, and make sure to open your mouth as wide as possible.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Thanks, Becky.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01You've done a lot of mean things in your time, but that was the worst.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I didn't know you a were a big enough dope to actually believe me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Oh, no, wait, I did!
0:05:08 > 0:05:10And...cue the prince!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12ROY GULPS, GARGLES SPIT
0:05:12 > 0:05:14'Sometimes, having a cartoon little brother
0:05:14 > 0:05:17'is just the gift that keeps on giving!'
0:05:17 > 0:05:19ROY GARGLES SPIT
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, gross, Roy!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Anyway, at least I got the chance to put things right.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's just a kiss, no big deal.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Just close your eyes...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35WIZARD GROWLS
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Whoa!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43No, no, no, no, no!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Sorry, sir. I don't know what happened.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49'And suddenly, the world was like a different place.'
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Mmm! Everything tastes like sausages, life is great.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Almost as sweet as her smile.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04But, sooner or later, you just have to get on with life.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Now, make sure you get all the muck out of there, right?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Like this?- Hmm?
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Lovely(!)
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Well, I think it's important that we take the positive out of any
0:06:23 > 0:06:27situation and, let's face it, that gutter needed doing for ages.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31You're the limit, Bill. Fancy taking advantage of a child like that.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Me?!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37I didn't hear you complaining at the time.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40In fact, I seem to remember some high dusting.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41That's different.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I couldn't be getting up into those corners with my back.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Ah. Argh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:51SCREAMING
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I didn't mind helping out
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and it was nice for me to look down on Becky for a change.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01DRIP-DRIP
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Wait... That's not curry.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04DRIBBLE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Roy!- Ha-ha!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Just practising for me next big kissy with Tara.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12You're just disgusting.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And you're just jealous,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16cos I've kissed a girl and you've never had a boyfriend.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Look it, he's brought two for you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- For me?- Yeah.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Dad!- Nothing. Hmm?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You sent this.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Why would you say that, love?
0:07:33 > 0:07:34He signed it "Dad".
0:07:34 > 0:07:36ROY LAUGHS
0:07:40 > 0:07:42That's not true. I've had loads of boyfriends.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- You just haven't seen them. - Why? Cos they don't exist?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47No, cos I've learnt to keep them well away from you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49You ruin everything.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Me, ruin everything?!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I don't know what you're talking about.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Oh, really?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Are you having fun yet?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Let's just say...I'm getting there.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Becky, Becky!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Becky!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Hey, Becks! Who's he?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Poor Becky. Maybe she's right, but don't worry -
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I'll find someone for her.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20When it comes to matchmaking, I'm something of an expert.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22'Just ask Jervis and Lucey.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26'I started with the classics - chocolates and mushy cards.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28"To my sweet Jane.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33"I want to be your snucky-wucky Tarzan."
0:08:33 > 0:08:34'And I didn't stop there.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36'If you want to know what girls really like,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- 'you have to do your research.' - What did you find out?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Well, really that all these magazines are brutal.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46What else? Erm...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Oh, OK. This is what I wrote down.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Mood and lighting is important.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Mystery is vital.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Oh, and scent is a powerful factor in romance.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Scent?- Smelly stuff.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02See if you can borrow some perfume and aftershave.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"Floral Bouquet".
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Penny loves it, Ma never uses it.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09No?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I got this cologne.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"Dark Lion". Wow, sounds fancy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21OK, step one.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I get in the mood for love.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32SPRAY HISSES
0:09:38 > 0:09:40SPRAY HISSES
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Let the romance begin.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47'And it would have worked, too,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50'if I hadn't got the bottles mixed up.'
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- Hi.- Hi.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04- You smell like my gran. - You smell like my uncle Bob.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07'And I probably should have checked the best-before date on those chocs.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11'There was something in the air all right, but it wasn't romance.'
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I ate the entire box of chocolates, which were manky,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- they tasted like... - SQUEAKY FART
0:10:18 > 0:10:21BLART
0:10:21 > 0:10:23PARP
0:10:23 > 0:10:28I...think I'm going to go and do that thing that I was going to do...
0:10:28 > 0:10:29- outside.- Mm-hm.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Agh!- Oh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- Agh!- Oh! - MR LUCEY FARTS
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Oh! - POOT
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Must be the chocolates... Ooh! - POOT
0:10:38 > 0:10:41I don't know why you and Mr Lucey don't get together, Miss.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- He's perfect for you. - Call me Jane -
0:10:44 > 0:10:46and I certainly don't have any time for that kind of stuff.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48But he really likes you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Oh, don't be silly. No, he doesn't.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Does he? No. He doesn't. Does he?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57'I'm amazed you've never noticed.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59'The whole school knows about it.'
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You can always count on me. Jane.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Jane, Jane, Jane...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11'It's all in your imagination, Roy.'
0:11:11 > 0:11:13MR LUCEY SOFTLY BLOWS
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Anyway, I'm much too busy for that relationship stuff.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Is that so?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Mr Lightjoy...
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, please, call me Jane.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28I'm sorry, Jane. I don't shake hands.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Oh.- It's a sign of one person's dominance over another.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- Right.- I prefer to rub noses, like the Fijians.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40MISS JERVIS GIGGLES
0:11:40 > 0:11:45The smooth running of the school is priority number one.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46You cannot be a good principal
0:11:46 > 0:11:50if you're simpering around like a giggling schoolgirl.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I learnt that while teaching underprivileged kids in Polynesia.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh...
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Oh, yes, right.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02So, you see, Roy, I can't allow myself to get distracted.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03ROY SNIFFS
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I think somebody's pants are on fire.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Good grief, Roy, whose pants are those?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10They're your pants, Miss. You're totally lying.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13You are well distracted by Mr Lightjoy.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Liar, liar, pants on fire!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Roy, I know that I might be
0:12:16 > 0:12:19a figment of your imagination in a thought bubble,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22but I deserve better than this, don't you think?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Oh, sorry, yeah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Liar, liar, pants on fire, Miss!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Please.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Just call me Jane.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35So, plenty to think about when it comes to crushes and first loves,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Even though getting your heart broken hurts,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43they say it's an important part of growing up -
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and when you're grown-up,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48you can stay up all night watching TV.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So, if you think about it, it's kind of worth it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55And remember, love is like a swimming pool full of jellybeans.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Everybody wants to fall in,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00but nobody really knows what to do when it happens.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, and don't go rushing into things.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04There's somebody out there for everybody
0:13:04 > 0:13:06and lots of time to find them.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09So don't worry, because one day, like it or not...
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Boom!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15You'll be burping butterflies and dribbling on the stairs, too.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17There you go. Scrapbook sorted.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19ROY SNIFFS
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Just in time, too - I can smell me hot dinner date from here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25SAUSAGES SIZZLE Ah!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Love is in the air. See yous!