0:00:02 > 0:00:04So, there I was, hard at it, doing my homework and me ma comes in.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Ah, history...
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Gossip's fancy cousin.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Your assignment is to write the life story
0:00:16 > 0:00:19of a historical figure of your choice. I want...
0:00:19 > 0:00:24- TOGETHER:- ..every fact, every figure and every single detail.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25I don't know where to start.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27What do I know about the woman who built France
0:00:27 > 0:00:29or the man who invented hiccups?
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Why not try writing about the person you know best?
0:00:32 > 0:00:34- Who's that?- You. We're all a part of history.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Ma was right.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38But did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40There's some things I wish even I didn't know.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Me da was very persuasive, though.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45You know what he's like when he gets worked up about something.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Will whatever you were saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Do that, then.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54So I'm writing it all down...
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The life and thoughts of Roy O'Brien.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Because these are The Roy Files.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00- EVERYONE SHOUTS:- Roy!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05I guess there are some things in life that you just can't avoid.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Like me ma and da snoring...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09THEY BOTH SNORE LOUDLY
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Or...Becky being...Becky.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14ROY WON'T GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18But there's something else out there
0:01:18 > 0:01:21that's a whole lot bigger than Becky or me parents' snoring.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Today may be Friday...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27..but the weekend doesn't start until I say so.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30That's right, school.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I mean, don't get me wrong,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34it's a great place to hang out with your friends,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37but then they have to go and fill it with the teachers.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Hi, Miss!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Hello.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And we all know what they're like...
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Yeah, OK, so...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Gravity!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51We meet again, my old friend.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55School is a lot of things, but easy isn't one of them.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58And I should know. I've been to a few.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01That first day is always a tricky one.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Is he a cartoon?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Remember what I said about the questions, Declan?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It's Deco!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Sorry.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's OK, Mr Lucey.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12And, yeah, I'm a cartoon.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13But don't worry.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I might look a little different, but I'm just like all of you.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17SIZZLING
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Aaarrrggghhh!
0:02:20 > 0:02:22'It's important to make a good first impression.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25'Yeah, now you tell me...'
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Aaarrrggghhh!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Aaarrrggghhh!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35WATER HISSES
0:02:35 > 0:02:39'Although one thing stays the same wherever I go.'
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Now that you've all had the chance to meet our...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46..new addition to the school...
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Roy O'Brien...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50..you can see he's...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54just the same as everyone else here.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55And, er...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57he'll get treated...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01..just the same as you.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04'It's weird. It's like whatever school I go to,
0:03:04 > 0:03:05'there they are.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08'Hammo and his great, big baldy head.'
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Aarrgghh!
0:03:14 > 0:03:15What are you doing here?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Me?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I'm the new Vice-Principal.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20What are you doing here?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Listen, O'Brien,
0:03:22 > 0:03:25I may be a very important man today,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28but that doesn't mean I don't remember my own first day
0:03:28 > 0:03:30as a year seven in St Gary's.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33You were a kid? I don't believe it.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Oh, yes.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Young, alert, excited.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40A little sweaty, even.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43But, above all, respectful of those older and wiser than me.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Which is now why I expect youngsters today
0:03:47 > 0:03:50to show me the respect I deserve.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53But, Mr Hammond, we always show you the respect you deserve.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Hello, everybody.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I'm Derek "The Hammer" Hammond
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and I'm here to make your life very difficult indeed.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG
0:04:05 > 0:04:06No running. No shouting.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And, most of all, no having fun.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12To anyone claiming that I lack a sense of fun,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I would say Derek Hammond is all for a degree of jollity
0:04:16 > 0:04:18in the right place.
0:04:18 > 0:04:23After all, I'm famous for my collection of amusing socks.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24HE SNORTS LIKE A PIG
0:04:24 > 0:04:28And my jokes are the stuff of legend. Ah!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Why was the horse late for school?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, I don't know. Why?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Because he couldn't find his shoes!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40HE LAUGHS AND GIGGLES
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Shoes...!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Not that that's an excuse or anything.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47No, no.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49That horse should have made sure
0:04:49 > 0:04:51to have the correct footwear ready to go.
0:04:51 > 0:04:56School is neither the place nor time for fun.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Don't worry, sir, that was one of the first things I learned from you.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Yes, well...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I'm an excellent teacher.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Now, which of you children is going to tell me...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10..the missing ingredient?
0:05:10 > 0:05:14ROY SNORES
0:05:14 > 0:05:16We're here to learn, O'Brien,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18not to enjoy ourselves.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Now, I'm going to have to pick you up on that, Derek.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Yes, school is a house of learning,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27but it should also ring with the sound of joy and laughter.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Not this again.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And you call yourself a teacher?
0:05:35 > 0:05:40You see, what Mr Hammond seems to forget is that learning can be fun.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Really?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I think I might have forgotten that meself.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I want you to forget that I'm your Principal,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48forget that you're in school
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and just relax...
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Breathing in, everyone.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Good. And letting go...
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Philip, put your shoes on. You're in school, for goodness' sake!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Are you kidding?!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Learning is the best kind of fun!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Enchanting English.
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Spectacular science.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Fabulous French.
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Boring biology.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Ghastly geography.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Horrific history.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Now, Roy, I know that you don't mean that.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19What about Mr Lucey's science class? You've always enjoyed that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:20He's such a bright spark.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24THUNDERCLAP
0:06:24 > 0:06:27'Yeah, but I think he's gotten over that now.'
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And what about magical maths?
0:06:29 > 0:06:31The science of numbers.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Now...what could be more fun than that?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What is six squared?
0:06:36 > 0:06:3736.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Yes.
0:06:39 > 0:06:4175% of 120?
0:06:41 > 0:06:4390.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Excellent, Roy!
0:06:45 > 0:06:473.14159.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49What is the value of pi?
0:06:50 > 0:06:52How did he do that?!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I suppose it's not so bad...
0:06:54 > 0:06:56if you already have the answers on a bit of paper.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59And what about the big double H? History with Hammond.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Now, that is fun, isn't it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02With Hairless Hammo?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Ah, Miss, now I know you're joking.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Roy...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09that man, he works very hard for your education.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You should have more respect for Hairless Hammo...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I mean, Mr Hammond. I mean, Derek.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Vikings first arrived here...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19in boats called...
0:07:20 > 0:07:21..longships.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- And...- What's that?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Is that a banana, sir? - No, it's not a bana...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Oh, right.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Oh...
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Oh, it's...
0:07:38 > 0:07:40There! All right?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Happy?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Longship.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46PUPILS LAUGH
0:07:46 > 0:07:49But, Miss, his classes are brutal.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51He's like a dinosaur in a beige suit.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53He is not a dinosaur, Roy.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Mr Hammond, he's just...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58he's a little set in his ways, a little old-fashioned.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Set in my ways?
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Old-fashioned?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Poppycock!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Sir, nobody's even said "poppycock" in over 100 years.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Any school lucky enough to have Derek Hammond as its Principal...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Vice-Principal.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15For now.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18..that school will find itself at the cutting edge.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21This is my new smartphone.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24High res.
0:08:24 > 0:08:2619 gigabytes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29HD video.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33The outer casing is actually, er...bulletproof.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- PHONE:- 'Mr Hammond's phone is active.'
0:08:40 > 0:08:43This little fellow keeps Ballyfermot School
0:08:43 > 0:08:45running smoothly and efficiently.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- PHONE:- 'Must buy moisturising cream.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50'Must buy moisturising cream.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52'Must buy...'
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I have very dry skin.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59In the dog-eat-dog world of education
0:08:59 > 0:09:00you have to adapt to survive.
0:09:01 > 0:09:06I didn't become Principal of the 109th best school in Dublin
0:09:06 > 0:09:08without embracing the new.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12OK, Burne, you have exactly 30 minutes...
0:09:13 > 0:09:14..to complete the paper.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Luckily...I've got a timer function on my phone.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Oops. Didn't mean to press that.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- PHONE:- 'Fry the carrots and onions, adding a pinch of paprika...'
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Oh.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37For any young flibbertigibbets to suggest that my methods are outdated
0:09:37 > 0:09:39is frankly disrespectful.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Especially when I'm old enough to be that person's fath...
0:09:45 > 0:09:46..slightly older brother.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Poppycock?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Flibbertigibbet?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53What is that chap talking about?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Although, to be fair,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58teaching isn't as easy as it looks.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59And I should know.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I gave it a go that time I swapped bodies with Hammo.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- Oh... Oh! - Er...we were talking about, er...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11..the history of the Battle of Haystacks.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Hastings!
0:10:13 > 0:10:14The Battle of Hastings!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I know, Mr Hammond...
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - ..er, is my name.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20But being Hammo wasn't all bad,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23although everything smelt like moustache.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Let's talk about
0:10:26 > 0:10:29the history of...football.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Tara, who is the greatest footballer ever?
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- Er, Pele?- Correct, no homework for you today.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And the second best footballer ever?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Mm-hm.- Beckham.- Wrong!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Double homework for you, Hendley.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50'I think I'd make a good teacher, I've got loads of fresh ideas,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52'like new ways of remembering stuff.'
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You got to digest the information.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Hmm!
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Digest?
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Yeah, chew it, absorb it, swallow it, like we do with food.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08So, if I did...
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I don't know, this?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I think that's what they mean for...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18a hunger for knowledge!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Whoops!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23BIRDS TWEET Give me a sec.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Mmm! Surprisingly tasty.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Where was I?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Oh, yeah. Hunger for knowledge.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Hilarious. And it worked, too.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Er...
0:11:35 > 0:11:40what's the name of the ship that got sunk by the iceberg in 1912?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Titanic. Whoa!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44What causes bubonic plague?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46The rat flea.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Right again! What vegetables contain folic acid?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Broccoli, sprouts, cabbage. This is great!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Genius - what could possibly go wrong with that?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Oh, yeah, everything.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Right, here we go.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06"Name." Piece of cake!
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Bring it on!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Shh!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Sorry, Miss, yeah.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11GURGLING
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh! What was that?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Right. First question.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"What causes bubonic plague?"
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Hey! I know this! Helsinki.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27What? That isn't right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"What's the name of the ship that hit an iceberg in 1912?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Broccoli, sprouts and cabbage.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39That isn't right either. Erm...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"What's the capital of Finland?"
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Chrysanthemum.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48What? "Express two over three as a decimal."
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Er...
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Oh, no!
0:12:56 > 0:12:57BOOM!
0:12:57 > 0:12:59CHILDREN GROAN
0:13:00 > 0:13:04OK, so plenty to think about when it comes to teachers,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07but keep to these simple rules and you'll be fine.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Be nice to your teacher, because making fun of a teacher
0:13:10 > 0:13:12might have the class laughing with you,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14but in detention you're all on your own.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And, remember, teachers are there to help you,
0:13:17 > 0:13:20all they ask is to pay a little attention,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23so try and pay as little attention as possible.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25No, wait, that can't be right.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Anyway, I know it's hard to believe,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30but teachers were once kids just like us,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32so try not to give them too much of a hard time.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37After all, those poor lads and lasses are stuck at school forever.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39There you go, scrapbook sorted.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Dinner, Roy!- Class dismissed.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43See yous!