0:00:02 > 0:00:05So there I was, hard at it doing my homework, when my ma comes in.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Ah, Roy, that doesn't look like your homework.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10But, Ma, it's history homework for Hammo.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Ah, history, gossip's fancy cousin.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16Your assignment is to write the life story
0:00:16 > 0:00:18of a historical figure of your choice.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20- I want every fact... - He wants every fact...
0:00:20 > 0:00:24BOTH: ..every figure and every single detail.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26I don't know where to start.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What do I know about the woman who built France
0:00:28 > 0:00:29or the man who invented hiccups?
0:00:29 > 0:00:33- Why not try writing about the person you know best?- Who is that?
0:00:33 > 0:00:35- You. We are all a part of history. - Ma was right,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38but did I really want everybody knowing everything about me?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40There are some things I wished even I didn't know.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42My da was very persuasive, though.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46You know what he's like when he gets fired up about something!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Does whatever you're saying mean I have to stop reading this paper?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- No.- Do that, then.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54So, I'm writing it all down -
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The Life And Thoughts Of Roy O'Brien.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Cos these are The Roy Files.
0:01:02 > 0:01:03I'm not going to lie,
0:01:03 > 0:01:05it is a tricky subject for the scrapbook today.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06We know what's wrong,
0:01:06 > 0:01:09but that doesn't always stop us from doing it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And, no, I'm not talking about eating that hairy sweetie
0:01:11 > 0:01:14from down the back of the couch when you're looking for the TV remote.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17I am talking about lying.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Are those frogs?- Yeah.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Happy, happy, erm, Mother's Day!
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- But it's not Mother's Day. - Yeah, but...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- He was going to keep them until Mother's Day.- Oh.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33It was meant to be a surprise.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ah, frogs, on Mother's Day.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Yeah.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Is that why you have been hiding it up in your own room?
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Yeah.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Oh...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Come here, son.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Mwah!
0:01:52 > 0:01:57Hey, I didn't say I was perfect. In fact, far from it.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Have you seen my game? I can't find it anywhere.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Uh-oh.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04You haven't got it, have you?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Nope, not me. Haven't got it, haven't seen it, nope.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10JINGLE PLAYS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You are supposed to be my best friend, Roy.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Listen, Tommy, I'm sorry. - Don't bother.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Ask anybody about lying and they will tell you it's wrong.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26That's right, son. Honesty is the best policy.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Whenever you start telling porkies, Roy, it always ends badly.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35If you will indulge me for a line from the Bard...
0:02:37 > 0:02:40"The truth will out!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The truth will out? What's that supposed to mean?
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I don't know who this Bard guy is but he needs to work on his English.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Work on his English?!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I'm talking about Shakespeare!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56The point is, everybody makes it sound so easy.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Just always tell the truth, right?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00But what if you have got a really good reason to lie?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Four for... - Four? Is that your age, is it?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06It's for over 15s only.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I'm 22.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I know who you are.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15You are that cartoon fellow that goes to school down at Ballyfermot.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I know you're only eight.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Eight? I'm 11...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I'm 22!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So, here's the big question - is it ever OK to tell a lie?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27That is a tough one.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm going straight to the top with this.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Well, of course, before one can unequivocally state that
0:03:32 > 0:03:36the optimal outcome will invariably be to "tell the truth",
0:03:36 > 0:03:39you have to ask yourself some very difficult questions,
0:03:39 > 0:03:41like what exactly do you mean by "truth"?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And then, what do you mean by "tell"?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And finally, what do you mean by "the"?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50I have no idea what you mean by anything, miss.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Maybe I should try someone else.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Well, Roy, sometimes people don't have the choice
0:03:55 > 0:03:56to lie or tell the truth.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00In fact, there is a condition called pseudologia fantastica
0:04:00 > 0:04:03which is where the patient can't stop lying.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I think Becky might have that.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Much more interesting, though, is a cartoon condition which
0:04:09 > 0:04:14people can catch where the sufferer can't help revealing the truth.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15That rings a bell.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17This hall pass is for 11.30.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It's now 11.31 - one minute past, it has expired.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Stop running in the corridor! Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Do you take me for some kind of fool, young man?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31No, sir!
0:04:34 > 0:04:38No, the medical pioneer that discovered this condition
0:04:38 > 0:04:42gave it the brilliantly appropriate name bubblitis.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Of course, modesty forbids me
0:04:44 > 0:04:48revealing the identity of the pioneer.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Yes, indeed. Modesty forbids.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54It was me.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59When bubblitis hit our house, we certainly knew all about it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Dad, can I have 20 quid? I'm going to the movies after dinner.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- No way!- What?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Not till the weekend. You still have that essay to do.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Oh, so you think I'm some kind of dictator now, do you?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Oh, so you think I'm a spoiled princess?
0:05:17 > 0:05:18I never said that!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Well, it's written all over your head.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And who do you think was the most worried about catching it?
0:05:24 > 0:05:28That's right, Mr Honesty Is The Best Policy himself.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I can't catch bubblitis.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33If your mother knew what I was really thinking
0:05:33 > 0:05:36half of the time, I would be dead.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Sometimes too much truth can be a bad thing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41So, which is it, Da?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Honesty is the best policy or too much truth is a bad thing?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47OK.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50OK, I'm going to level with you, son. But you have to...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53..keep this under your hat, OK?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57OK, but only if you promise to buy me a hat first.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It is a figure of speech.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02It was a little joke, Da.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, right. Ha-ha! Very good.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10Anyway, sometimes, when you are telling a little white lie,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12it could be the best thing to do.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15You know, you could be trying to spare someone's feelings
0:06:15 > 0:06:18or you could be trying to help out a friend.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Oh, like the time I blew up the science class
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- and Miss Sheringham told Hammo it was Uncle Troy?- Exactly.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Blew up a science class?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30What are you talking about?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32And who is Uncle Troy?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Sorry, Da, you're breaking up.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I almost forgot about Uncle Troy.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40He was one of those tiny white lies that turned into a great big,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43gnarly, burn-down-the-school whopper of a lie.
0:06:43 > 0:06:49Mr Jones, as you can see I am in no condition to teach my science class.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Not until these bandages come off, anyway.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56So I would like to start you as soon as possible. How does that sound?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Mr Jones?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- Mr Jones?- Actually...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:07:04 > 0:07:07GRUFF VOICE: Actually, the name is O'Brien.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10O'Brien? Where was I getting Mr Jones from?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I do apologise, Mr O'Brien.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I really must have a word with that receptionist of ours.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So, what do you say? Can you start today?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Before I knew it, I had kind of accidentally
0:07:20 > 0:07:22created a whole new person.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26Everybody, this is Troy O'Brien,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29our new substitute science teacher.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Ahem... GRUFF VOICE: Good morning, fellow teachers.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Yes, he is Roy O'Brien's uncle.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39But we won't hold that against him!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And for the first time ever, Hammo really liked me.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Well, he liked Uncle Troy, anyway.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Ah, Troy O'Brien.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What a man, what an educator.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51He is a credit to your family, Roy.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Too bad you two don't have more in common.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57So the maths teacher says,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"If I have seven oranges in this hand
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"and eight oranges in this hand...
0:08:03 > 0:08:05"..what do I have?"
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Hmm?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09And the schoolgirl says...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11"Very big hands!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Miss him every day.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21That man was like...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22a brother to me.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I felt I understood him in a way no-one else did.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31You know what else is funny?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36You never see Troy and Roy in the same room at the same time.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, the thing is...
0:08:41 > 0:08:45You know how kids feel about being related to their teacher.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Roy is embarrassed to be seen with me.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It is so strange.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59I became a teacher to help children find themselves, you know?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03And I...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06I end up losing my nephew on the way.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08ROY SOBS
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Well now, Miss Sheringham.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I hope you're happy with yourself.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Fooling teachers is too easy. Well, most of them.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Fine.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24I apologise.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26In fact...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31..I feel so bad...
0:09:35 > 0:09:37..I'd like to invite you out for dinner tonight,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39to celebrate your first day.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Ah, that's a super idea! Count me in.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Great, the more the merrier.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Ah, that's...not necessary.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Oh, but I insist.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56How about that nice Chinese place?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58The Golden Noodle.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Sheringham knew that I was already going there
0:10:01 > 0:10:02for my ma's birthday that night.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04You wouldn't think it to look at her,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07but that woman has got an evil streak.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10So, that's four Singapore Special...
0:10:12 > 0:10:14And a...
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute.- OK, love.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23'Things went OK at first.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26'With a little help from Tommy, I was totally getting away with it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28'The problem was,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32'when it came to fooling Hammo, I'd done my job a little too well.'
0:10:32 > 0:10:34You know, Troy, I have been thinking...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Maybe you should stay on at the school full-time.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40What?!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44'And that is when things started getting messy.'
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Is that a moustache?- Huh?
0:10:50 > 0:10:51'And a little wet.'
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Hello, Roy.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Hello, Miss Sheringham.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I believe birthday wishes are in order.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Such a lovely family location.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Speaking of family, there is actually
0:11:07 > 0:11:11someone very special I'd like you to meet at our table.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Not good. I needed a distraction to take the heat off.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17# Happy birthday... #
0:11:17 > 0:11:22'Luckily, kids, especially cartoon kids, can't eat two Chinese banquets
0:11:22 > 0:11:25'in one night without stuff happening inside.'
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Oh, my centrepiece!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32'But there was an even more explosive moment to come
0:11:32 > 0:11:34'in Uncle Troy's teaching career.'
0:11:35 > 0:11:38OK, class, settle down.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Now, stain remover. Where were we? Hmm.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Manganese oxide?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46But if he adds that to the mixture...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50BANG!
0:11:50 > 0:11:51SCREAMING
0:11:51 > 0:11:53COUGHING
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Is everybody all right?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I knew it! Roy is Troy.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You are in so much trouble, Roy O'Brien.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06I'm sorry, it was never supposed to go this far.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10It was just one little lie that got too out of hand and...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I think I have learnt my lesson now.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Honestly really is the best policy.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21Please, miss, please don't tell Mr Hammond...
0:12:21 > 0:12:25'So, I had learnt my lesson - even little lies can be dangerous.'
0:12:25 > 0:12:27What the blazes is going on here?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32'But then, guess what Miss Sheringham did next.'
0:12:32 > 0:12:38Mr Hammond, it appears that Troy O'Brien's poor science skills
0:12:38 > 0:12:41literally blew up in his face.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45After that, he just disappeared.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Disappeared?
0:12:46 > 0:12:50And I'm sure he won't be coming back.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52She told a lie!
0:12:52 > 0:12:57OK, so she did it to get me out of trouble, but a lie is a lie, right?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00It is all so confusing.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Anyway, plenty to think about with the old truth and lies,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05but keep to these simple rules and you will be fine.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Telling the truth is always best.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11That way, you don't have to remember all the stupid stuff you made up.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13And there will be times
0:13:13 > 0:13:16when using a little white lie seems like the right thing to do,
0:13:16 > 0:13:20like when I tell Becky she looks good in the mornings.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21But remember,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25even cute little lies have a habit of turning into big ugly ones.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29So, if you don't want to end up pretending to be your own uncle
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and blowing up your school, I'd stick to telling the truth.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35There you go, scrapbook sorted.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37HE SNIFFS
0:13:37 > 0:13:38And just in time.
0:13:38 > 0:13:43Smells like sausages for dinner again, and my nose never lies.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44See yous!