0:00:04 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit To try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamber
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:38 > 0:00:43# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:48 > 0:00:52'Ah, "Warden Of The Month competition!
0:00:52 > 0:00:56' "The winner will be surprised at work today."
0:00:56 > 0:00:59'Yes, it's about time I won that.'
0:00:59 > 0:01:01'What's Mr Burgess so engrossed in?
0:01:01 > 0:01:06'It can't be as interesting as the article I'M reading.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11'Apparently, the latest celebrity craze is wink yourself fit.'
0:01:11 > 0:01:16'What's that buffoon up to? The idiots I'm forced to work with!
0:01:16 > 0:01:21'If I don't win Warden Of The Month, whilst working next to Wally-chops,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24'something is seriously amiss.'
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Ah, well, back to work, I suppose!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40'Dating agency, eh?
0:01:40 > 0:01:45'If Mr Burgess had a girlfriend, it might cheer him up a bit.'
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Maybe I can help him out.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56If you're going to be a human dustbin act,
0:01:56 > 0:02:00you can't be so fussy with your food. Eat your mashed potato!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Have we tried him with the soup?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09CHUCKLING
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- Oi! You two!- Three! - Don't stand there gawping!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Help put these posters up! - Who's in the show today?
0:02:16 > 0:02:22Glad you asked. This week, I've chosen Valentin's Human Slinky!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24And impressionist, Two's Company.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29- Are you ready for the Freedom Show, Gollum?- Yes, Master.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33And Basketball Man and the twinkling feet of Solid Feet!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37They've been behaving, so I'm giving them a shot at freedom.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Off you go.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Can I ask your advice, please?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Fire away, kiddo!
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I want to do something nice for Mr Burgess.
0:02:48 > 0:02:53- I thought I'd contact a dating agency and get him a date.- A date?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That's a lovely idea, young Jeremy. Marvellous.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- It might cheer him up. You can use my office to call.- Thanks, Uncle...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I mean, Guv!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Now, about this food...
0:03:12 > 0:03:14GRR!
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Jeremy Gimbert here. I'm calling on behalf of a friend.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29What do you mean, "that's what they all say"? I am!
0:03:29 > 0:03:34I'd like to leave date requirements. She needs to be quite strict...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36serious...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43..and she needs to be very good looking.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48And the date will be here in half an hour? Great. Thanks. Bye.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What's he up to?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Ha, looking for a girlfriend, is he?
0:04:06 > 0:04:11What a sad, desperate, lonely, little chump that man is! Right...
0:04:11 > 0:04:16I think I can spice his love life up a little bit.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42Oh, hello, is that the dating agency?
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Yes, it's me. It's Jeremy Gimbert here again.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Yes, I've had a complete change of mind.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53All those requirements I read out to you...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Well, I'd like you to give me the exact opposite of what I asked for.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00No, I'm completely sure.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03OK, thank you. Bye-bye.
0:05:08 > 0:05:14I'm glad the committee agreed with my Warden Of The Month suggestion.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'll see you soon for the surprise announcement.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22Felix, you will remember to return my leopard skin leotard, won't you?
0:05:22 > 0:05:27- Mr Burgess, what can I do for you? - The prisoners are getting ready
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- and I thought it was time you did, too.- You're right.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37We've got a little surprise for you later on.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Oh, have you, sir?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43CHEERING
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I think I can guess what it is.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56All right. Attention, everybody.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00As you know, the Freedom Show is about to start.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04The audience are on their way in, which is very exciting,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07but before that, we have a surprise announcement.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11The Chairman of the Warden Of The Month Committee!
0:06:14 > 0:06:19Thank you, HMM Slammer. It's a pleasure to be here.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21No, honestly...
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We are here to do a very important job.
0:06:24 > 0:06:30We are here to announce the winner of the Warden Of The Month competition.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33And the winner is... DRUM ROLL
0:06:33 > 0:06:38- Jeremy Gimbert! - Oh, Mr Burgess, it's ME!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh...!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Get yourself up here to accept your prize!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Oh, no! Anyone but HIM!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50I've nominated Jeremy because of his thoughtfulness to colleagues.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- Tell everyone what you did for Mr Burgess.- I though he looked lonely,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58so I set him up on a date.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- DOORBELL - That'll be her now!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04DOOR CREAKS
0:07:11 > 0:07:13HOOTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Hello, there, my dear.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29I told you I had a nice surprise for you, Frank.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- You're going to have a lovely night dancing away...- But sir...
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- SIREN - But not just yet, Frank. We've got a show to do, remember.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- How do I look?- Fine.- Thank you.
0:07:42 > 0:07:47- How do- I- look?- Never mind that. It's SHOW TIME!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Slammer,
0:07:54 > 0:07:58where you decide which prisoner will be released!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Now, please welcome your host!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Offering redemption to stars in detention...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06it's the Guv'nor!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09CHEERING
0:08:21 > 0:08:26Who's the Guv'nor?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26YOU'RE THE GUV'NOR!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Hey, welcome to The Slammer!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31We've got some marvellous performing prisoners
0:08:31 > 0:08:35and you're gonna decide who's gonna walk free.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37So listen to this little lot...
0:08:37 > 0:08:42We've got a marvellous impressionist called Two's Company!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42OOH!
0:08:42 > 0:08:48- We've got a strange basketball act called Juggler Jam!- WHOO!
0:08:48 > 0:08:56And a marvellous tap-dancing act called Solid Feet!
0:08:52 > 0:08:56WHOO!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59On to our first performing prisoner.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03I guarantee you've never seen anything like this act.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He's on remand on The Slammer, so we can work out what he is.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Valentin's Human Slinky!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15APPLAUSE
0:09:15 > 0:09:19MUSIC: "Beware Of The Dog" by Jamelia
0:11:45 > 0:11:49CHEERING
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Round of applause for Valentin's Human Slinky!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57APPLAUSE
0:11:57 > 0:12:03He'll never go straight on the outside. But what did you think?
0:12:03 > 0:12:09- Views, madam.- I thought it was the best thing I've ever seen.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12What did you think about it?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I really liked it. I think that he was really good.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21He looked a bit like jelly because he flopped his arms around...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- A bit like who?- Jelly.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- He looked like jelly?- Yeah. - He could become the human jelly.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32- This is Brenda, I believe.- Yes, it is.- Did you like the human slinky?
0:12:32 > 0:12:39- Fantabulous!- Mind you, you're easily pleased, aren't you?- I am. Yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Nice top.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Could you sum that act up in one word.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Superb.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Superb, sir. - Well, do we like the human slinky?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Yes!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He may be going free, but we don't know.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58It's up to you to decide after three more acts.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Now, marvellous impressionists called Two's Company.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07They're in The Slammer serving ten years for impersonating a policeman.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Cheer and clap for the fabulous Two's Company!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:22MUSIC: Dr Who Theme Tune
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Doctor...where are we? Why's it so dark?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33I don't know. Maybe someone turned the lights out.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Don't worry. I've got my sonic screwdriver.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Madame Tussauds. What's that, then?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45We must be on Earth!
0:13:45 > 0:13:51Madame Tussauds is where people go to look at statues of famous people and they're made of wax!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55That's boring. Why don't we put a bit of life into the situation.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57BEEPING
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Oh, no! What have you done?! They're coming to life!
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Look, it's coming towards us! It's someone Welsh! Charlotte Church!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09# You're making me a crazy chick! #
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Hello and welcome to the Charlotte Church Show!
0:14:12 > 0:14:18Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is Woody from Toy Story!
0:14:18 > 0:14:22I'm sorry, Charlotte. I can't stop and talk.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27I gotta go on some crazy adventure with Buzz and Bo-Peep.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Well, mainly Bo-Peep. - Whatever, love.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34New word for the day is "cake"! A bit of cake!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Chocolate cake! I love a bit of chocolate cake.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41All I want is cake. Cake! I love the cake!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Here, we got a new member of Fat Fighters.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Her name's Lauren.- Am I bothered?!
0:14:48 > 0:14:54- You must be bothered, or you wouldn't be here.- You calling me fat? D'you think I'm fat?
0:14:54 > 0:15:00- Am I fat, though? Do I look like a sponge pudding?- Yes...- Do I look like you?- No.- Am I bothered?!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03You are something else...!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06MUSIC FROM BIG BROTHER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Big Brother House, this is Davina!
0:15:09 > 0:15:13And the winner of Big Brother is Pete!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Eh...eh...uh...uh...
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- WHISTLES AND GRUNTS - Nicky!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh, Big Brother, I'm so upset
0:15:22 > 0:15:26cos Pete doesn't love me any more!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29OH...!
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Silence! I don't know which one of you it was -
0:15:34 > 0:15:39whether it was you, Miss Granger, you, Mr Weasley,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42or you, Mr Potter.
0:15:42 > 0:15:48But one of you has materialised a big, flashing blue box...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50boom box, boom box...boom...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Doctor, they weren't wax at all!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56They were robots!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Oh, yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03APPLAUSE
0:16:05 > 0:16:10Give them a big round of applause! Two's Company!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13CHEERING
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Pretty impressive, but what did you all think?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Did Two's Company make an impression on you?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25It was absolutely hilarious and I'd give it 9 out of 10.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- I didn't hear you laughing much. - I was.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Not lying to me, are you, sir?- No. - All right.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- What are your thoughts?- Very funny. Extremely fantastic.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42- I can't do impressions of those people.- Can you do any?- Yes.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yoda from Star Wars.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Mmhmm... Jedi must become!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Impressive.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Can you do a Dalek? Watch this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57YOU-WILL-BE-EXTERMINATED!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00MR BURGESS! MR BURGESS!
0:17:00 > 0:17:06One final word to sum that act up of Two's Company. Sir?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- It was wonderful how... - That's not two words, is it, sir?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- Give us your comments. - It was wonderful
0:17:14 > 0:17:20how they could change their voices so quickly to different characters.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25Can you do any? Mr Gimbert does a good one of a man with no talent.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Right, sir, sum that act up in one final word.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Magnificent.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Magnificent.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38We've got a marvellous performing prisoner called Juggler Jam.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43He's a juggling basketball player from Moscow in Russia.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Please give a round of applause for Juggler Jam!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:55 > 0:17:57ELECTRONIC MUSIC
0:19:08 > 0:19:10CHEERING
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Give him a round of applause!
0:19:47 > 0:19:49What did you think of Juggler Jam?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Was it good to see Juggler Jam bouncing back?
0:19:53 > 0:19:58I'm not sure about the outfit, but that act was amazing!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02What would you do to improve the outfit?
0:20:02 > 0:20:09If he's a basketball player, you don't go around in a black cardi.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Don't pick your nose. You'll end up getting it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16What did you think about our wonderful juggler?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21I thought it was classic and I've never seen anything like it before.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26- I thought it was the best performance so far.- And one final word...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Outstanding.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Sir.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33Please make loads of noise and raise the roof
0:20:33 > 0:20:36for the fabulous twinkling toes of Solid Feet!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39APPLAUSE
0:21:27 > 0:21:29HA!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32CHEERING
0:22:33 > 0:22:35HAH!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Let's hear it for Solid Feet!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14What a marvellous act. Slightly over-dressed, but brilliant!
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Solid Feet. Savvy feet or sloppy feet?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23It was marvellous how they moved their feet so fast.
0:23:23 > 0:23:29I thought I could tap-dance a bit, but nowhere near as good as that.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I thought it was amazing. When they moved, they make music.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I'd give them ten out of ten.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Over to Trinny and Susannah. How would you dress that mob?
0:23:40 > 0:23:45- I wasn't sure about the Beanie and he needs a haircut.- And the costume?
0:23:45 > 0:23:50- I'm not sure.- Different coloured tap shoes to go with the jeans.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53And sir, sum that act up in one final word.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Fantastic.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Fantastic, sir.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02It's time to decide who goes free from The Slammer with this...
0:24:02 > 0:24:08modelled by Gimbert with his Warden of the Month trophy.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Who's gonna go free? Before that, we've got to welcome them back.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Please give a big hand for all of them!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19The Human Slinky! Two's Company!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Juggler Jam! And Solid Feet!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27CHEERING
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I want you to make lots of noise.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Remember, only one act can walk or tap or slink their way free
0:24:34 > 0:24:37from The Slammer! Who will it be?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41First of all, a very, very unusual act indeed. You loved him.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47Show your appreciation for Valentin, The Human Slinky!
0:24:47 > 0:24:51APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:54CHEERING
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Let's see the score.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02102.1!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Ooh, that's a good score.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Well, they certainly made an impression on you.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13What did you think of our marvellous impressionists?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Show your appreciation for Two's Company!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:21SHE MOUTHS
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Right, let's have a look. Two's Company.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Oh, a very high score!
0:25:41 > 0:25:44But it does mean that you're staying with us.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Well, he was very, very unusual,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50and he's certainly astonished you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55Did you think he did enough to go free from The Slammer? Juggler Jam!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE
0:26:02 > 0:26:05CHEERING
0:26:10 > 0:26:13He's a high man. Can he get a high score?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15102.7!
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Oh, yes! I think that means that Juggler Jam is in the lead!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's very, very close!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Now, there's just one more act to see.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28If they beat a score of 102.7,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33they're gonna dance their way out of The Slammer. It's up to you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Please, a big hand for Solid Feet!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40SCREAMING
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think we've ever had four acts
0:26:58 > 0:27:01that have all scored over 100.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It could happen today.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Let's see. Is it higher...?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08104.3! What a score!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11It means, Jailers and Jailbirds,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14that they go free! Solid Feet!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17CHEERING
0:27:17 > 0:27:21The rest of you, back to the cells.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25A round of applause. The Human Slinky, Two's Company, Juggler Jam!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31They were all brilliant.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35For an act that's a whizzer and a whammer,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38join us soon for fun on The Slammer!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:41 > 0:27:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk