0:00:04 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit To try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# So go fetch the audience
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# And bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# And polish up your act
0:00:28 > 0:00:30# With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Your fate is in their hands
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# So make 'em cheer and clamour
0:00:35 > 0:00:39# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Hello my little jailer and jailbirds.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I'm the Governor and welcome to a very special edition of The Slammer.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Let's face it, the break between Christmas and New Year can be,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00well, a little bit boring once the presents have been opened and broken
0:01:00 > 0:01:03and the choccies have been scoffed. Well, for the next half hour
0:01:03 > 0:01:05all that's about to change
0:01:05 > 0:01:07as I present for you, as a Christmas bonus,
0:01:07 > 0:01:12a special selection box of some of the cleverest convict acts
0:01:12 > 0:01:15we've had through the doors of The Slammer this year.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18First an act that were flexible and funny
0:01:18 > 0:01:22as we relive the incredible acrobatic antics of the Acromaniacs.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36CHEERING
0:02:05 > 0:02:07CRUNCH!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37PA-A-ARP!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47CHEERING
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I don't know about you, but seeing them again there
0:03:51 > 0:03:53makes me feel dead proud.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55After that performance they got released from The Slammer
0:03:55 > 0:03:57but they sent me a Christmas card.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01It says, " Happy Christmas to the Governor. Love from the Acromaniacs.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05"PS - tell Melvin we still want that 20 quid he owes us."
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- BURP! - Sorry about that. Mince pies.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Now, prepare to be amazed
0:04:11 > 0:04:14as we present a prisoner who got on his bike quite literally.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18The cycling skills of Rob Alton - BMX master.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33APPLAUSE
0:04:48 > 0:04:50APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:26APPLAUSE
0:05:43 > 0:05:46CHEERING
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Rob Alton, the BMX master there.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Before he left The Slammer, he asked me join his act
0:06:35 > 0:06:39after seeing me pull some impressive wheelies on my own tricycle.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42But I had to say, "Rob, I am a man of many talents,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46"but it would be unfair to leave the other prisoners to Mr Burgess."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48So I had to turn him down
0:06:48 > 0:06:51but hey, that's showbiz, folks!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Sorry, anyway...where was I?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Time for some dancing of the Bollywood kind
0:06:56 > 0:07:01as we prepare to present to you the bewitching, brilliant Bavini.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04BOLLYWOOD TUNE PLAYS
0:07:41 > 0:07:43TEMPO SPEEDS UP
0:08:46 > 0:08:48APPLAUSE
0:08:48 > 0:08:51The former prisoner you're about to see
0:08:51 > 0:08:55is one of the most amazing talents we've ever seen in The Slammer -
0:08:55 > 0:08:59a juggler with lightning fast fingers. I taught him all he knows.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- CRASH - So it gives me great pleasure
0:09:01 > 0:09:05to introduce to you the supreme skills of Chris Creamo.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07Missed!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52APPLAUSE
0:10:06 > 0:10:08APPLAUSE
0:10:42 > 0:10:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:44 > 0:10:47FUNKY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Well, it goes without saying that I've got twinkle toes.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59At The Slammer Christmas party, there was a stampede of people
0:10:59 > 0:11:02trying to catch me on the dancefloor throwing a few shapes.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Most of them were heading back to the cells begging to be locked in
0:11:06 > 0:11:09but I knew they liked me. Uh, who am I trying to kid?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12The only thing I've got in common with this lot of dancing delinquents
0:11:12 > 0:11:16is a love of fine tailoring. Check out Flawless.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, I think I've pulled a fat.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19This is the situation now.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21# Absolutely flawless
0:12:12 > 0:12:14# Better watch
0:12:14 > 0:12:16# Listen up
0:12:19 > 0:12:22CHEERING
0:12:22 > 0:12:26# So...so...so electric... #
0:12:26 > 0:12:29DISCO TEMPO PLAYS
0:12:43 > 0:12:46ELECTRONIC DANCE BEAT PLAYS
0:13:09 > 0:13:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Cheers to the fabulous Flawless lads
0:13:14 > 0:13:17who rocked their way out of The Slammer with that routine.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Now it's time for a song. Our next act wasn't an actual inmate,
0:13:21 > 0:13:26he was a young visitor who helped us out when Melvin got stage fright.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28His name was Mr Sean Walsh
0:13:28 > 0:13:32who's only 11 years of age, but he certainly got us rocking.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35He was Rocking Robin, in fact. Enjoy.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# He rocks in the tree tops all day long
0:13:38 > 0:13:40# Hoppin' and a-boppin' Just singing that song
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# All the little birdies on Jaybird Street
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# Love to hear the robin Go tweet tweet tweet
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- # Rockin' robin - Tweet Tweet- rock rock
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- # Rockin' robin - Tweet Tweetdl-tweet
0:13:51 > 0:13:55# Blow Rockin' Robin Cos we really got to rock tonight
0:13:55 > 0:13:57# Tweetdl-tweet
0:14:13 > 0:14:16# Pretty little raven at the bird-band stand
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# Told them how to do the bop And it was grand
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# They started going steady And-a bless my soul
0:14:21 > 0:14:24# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriol
0:14:24 > 0:14:27# He rocked in the treetops All day long
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# Hoppin' and a-boppin' Just singin' that song
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# All the little birdies on Jailbird Street
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Love to hear the robin Go tweet tweet tweet
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- # Rockin' Robin - Tweet tweet- rock rock
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- # Rockin' Robin - Tweet Tweetdl-tweet
0:14:40 > 0:14:44# Blow Rockin' Robin Cos we really got to rock tonight
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# Tweet tweet, tweetdl-tweet
0:14:46 > 0:14:49# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet
0:14:49 > 0:14:52# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet Tweetdl-tweetdl-tweet, tweet
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# Tweet, tweet, tweet-tweet. #
0:14:57 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:59 > 0:15:05Hello, little rockin' robin there. Fly free little bird.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- SPLAT! - Thank you.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13As it's Christmas, I'll introduce this next act through charades.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17So, three words. Sounds like...
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Oh! ..Obviously they're tight. Loose, yeah.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25OK, second word. Hair. Loose hair.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Third word. Head. Loose hair head.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Which is a ridiculous name for an act.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37So I'll pass you to a man who has more hot air than me. Bruce Airhead.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Do you have some paper?
0:15:39 > 0:15:43You're right, that bird will be miles away by now.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46MUSIC: "Mambo No.5" by Lou Bega
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# One, two, three, four, five
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# Everybody in the car, so come on let's ride
0:15:58 > 0:16:01# To the liquor store around the corner
0:16:01 > 0:16:05# The boys say they want some gin and juice but I really don't wanna
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# Beerbust like I had last week
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# I must stay deep cos talk is cheap
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# And as I continue, you know they're getting sweeter
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# So what can I do? I really beg you, my Lord
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# To me flirting is just like a sport
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# Anything fly It's all good, let me dump it
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# Please send in the trumpet
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# A little bit of Monica in my life
0:16:28 > 0:16:31# A little bit of Erica by my side
0:16:31 > 0:16:34# A little bit of Rita's all I need
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# A little bit of Tina's what I see
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Jump up and down and move it all around
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# Shake your head to the sound Put your hands on the ground
0:16:53 > 0:16:55# Take one step left and one step right
0:16:55 > 0:16:58# One to the front and one to the side
0:16:58 > 0:17:01# Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice
0:17:01 > 0:17:03# And if it looks like this then you're doing it right
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# A little bit of Monica in my life
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# A little bit of Erica by my side
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# A little bit of Rita's all I need
0:17:11 > 0:17:14# A little bit of Tina's what I see
0:17:14 > 0:17:17# A little bit of Sandra in the sun
0:17:17 > 0:17:20# A little bit of Mary all night long
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# A little bit of Jessica, here I am
0:17:22 > 0:17:25# A little bit of you makes me your man. #
0:17:31 > 0:17:35THUNDERBIRDS THEME TUNE
0:17:35 > 0:17:39'..four...three...two...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41'one.'
0:17:43 > 0:17:47SUPERMAN THEME TUNE
0:17:54 > 0:18:00We have some remarkable talents residing at Her Majesty's pleasure
0:18:00 > 0:18:02here in the Slammer.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07If you were left breathless by Bruce Airhead, make sure you sit down.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10This next act will amuse and amaze.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15It's the superb and surprising Human Slinky.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24MUSIC: "Beware of the Dog" by Jamelia
0:18:28 > 0:18:31# Oh, oh, uh, uh, yeah
0:18:31 > 0:18:35# Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
0:18:35 > 0:18:38# Oh, oh Uh, uh
0:18:38 > 0:18:42# Oh, oh, uh, uh
0:18:42 > 0:18:46# D'you know how much you want him You're trying to be cool about it
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# You're trying to be big about it
0:18:48 > 0:18:52# You're constantly just denying
0:18:52 > 0:18:54# You're like a moth to a flame
0:18:54 > 0:18:59# You hardly wait But listen cos I know what I'm saying
0:18:59 > 0:19:03# He's trying to catch you in And then he will back you in
0:19:03 > 0:19:06# Cos he's just another girl addict
0:19:06 > 0:19:09# And if you give it away
0:19:09 > 0:19:11# You better be crazy, crazy
0:19:11 > 0:19:14# Stop, you better shake him off
0:19:14 > 0:19:16# Before he gets ya
0:19:16 > 0:19:19# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya
0:19:19 > 0:19:23# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya
0:19:23 > 0:19:27# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog
0:19:27 > 0:19:29# You better shake him off
0:19:29 > 0:19:30# Before he gets ya
0:19:30 > 0:19:34# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya
0:19:34 > 0:19:38# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya
0:19:38 > 0:19:42# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog
0:19:42 > 0:19:45# Oh, stop, you better shake him off Before he gets ya
0:19:45 > 0:19:49# He's gonna get ya He's coming to get ya
0:19:49 > 0:19:53# Stop, he'll only build you up And then forget ya
0:19:53 > 0:19:56# He's dirty to the bone Beware of the dog
0:19:58 > 0:20:00# Beware of the dog
0:20:02 > 0:20:04# Beware of the dog. #
0:20:05 > 0:20:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:07 > 0:20:12Occasionally, we look after inmates who need extra warden security.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16This next act fell into this high-risk category.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Not cos we though they'd escape but because my nephew is such a big fan,
0:20:21 > 0:20:26he wanted to join the band and started stalking them day and night
0:20:26 > 0:20:28which was very embarrassing.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Anyway, after this performance of Star Girl, they were released.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Here they are - the one and only McFly. Hit it!
0:20:36 > 0:20:41- HE DRUMS A BEAT - Stick that up your jumper, Harry!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43# Hey
0:20:43 > 0:20:46# I'm looking up for my star girl
0:20:46 > 0:20:49# I guess I'm stuck in this mad world
0:20:49 > 0:20:52# With things that I wanna say
0:20:52 > 0:20:55# But you're a million miles away
0:20:55 > 0:20:58# And I was afraid when you kissed me
0:20:58 > 0:21:02# On your intergalactical frisbee
0:21:02 > 0:21:04# I wonder why, I wonder why
0:21:04 > 0:21:08# You never asked me to stay
0:21:08 > 0:21:11# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:21:11 > 0:21:14# So wouldn't you like to come with me?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# Surfin' the sun As it starts to rise
0:21:21 > 0:21:22# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:21:22 > 0:21:28# Whoa, your gravity's makin' me dizzy
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# Girl, I gotta tell ya I'm feelin' much better
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# Make a little love in the moonlight
0:21:37 > 0:21:38# Hey
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# There's nothin' on Earth that could save us
0:21:41 > 0:21:48# When I fell in love with Uranus I don't wanna give you away
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# Cos it makes no sense at all
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# Houston we got a problem
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# Ground control couldn't stop them
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# I wonder why, I wonder why
0:22:00 > 0:22:03# You never asked me to stay, yeah
0:22:03 > 0:22:06# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:22:06 > 0:22:09# Wouldn't you like to come with me?
0:22:09 > 0:22:12# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:22:12 > 0:22:16# Surfin' the sun as it starts to rise
0:22:16 > 0:22:18# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:22:18 > 0:22:23# Whoa, your gravity's makin' me dizzy
0:22:23 > 0:22:26# Girl, I gotta tell ya I feel much better
0:22:26 > 0:22:30# Make a little love in the moonlight
0:22:31 > 0:22:34# Fly awaaaaay
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# Watch the night turn into day
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# Dance on the Milky Way
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Melt me with your eyes
0:22:44 > 0:22:54# My star girl rules the skies
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# One, two, one, two, three, four
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# Wouldn't you like to come with me?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# Go surfin' the sun as it starts to rise
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# Ooo-oo-ooo-oo
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# Woah, wouldn't you like to go with me?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36# Yeah
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# Girl, I gotta tell ya I feel much better
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# I can't get enough of you
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Galaxy defender, stay forever
0:23:45 > 0:23:49# Never get enough of you. #
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Listen, jailers and jailbirds,
0:23:56 > 0:24:00we've almost reached the end of our trip down memory lane.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05But before I head home for another triple decker turkey sandwich,
0:24:05 > 0:24:10and one final bucket of Christmas pud, I've one last surprise for you.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13It's a favourite of mine from the Slammer this year.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17It's the quick-change artists, David and Dania.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21David and Dania there - what professionalism.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26And what a truly unique act - which reminds me...
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I asked Mr Burgess, Gimbert, Melvin, and Pete to meet me in my office
0:26:30 > 0:26:33round about now for an important announcement.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38Left, right, left, right, left, right...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Stand up nicely for the Governor.
0:26:39 > 0:26:44You have lots of time on your hands but I have a date with a Yule log
0:26:44 > 0:26:48and the very best of Strictly Come Dancing on DVD.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53- ALL: Hang on. Melvin? What are you doing back?- I missed ya.
0:26:53 > 0:26:59Yes, well, we missed you. Anyway, I have something serious to say.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02- What I have to say is... - POP!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Happy new year! Hurray!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08ALL: Happy new year!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time
0:27:15 > 0:27:20# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:27:33 > 0:27:38# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:27:42 > 0:27:46# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:27:48 > 0:27:53- # It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer- The Slammer
0:27:53 > 0:27:56# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #