0:00:04 > 0:00:06# You've been found guilty
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# Of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# So welcome to The Slammer
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Where you're going to serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel, entertainer, artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit To try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:25# So go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:29 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:01:58 > 0:02:01I don't believe this!
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Tap-dancing puppets!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I love it!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I thought I'd seen everything - whistling Chihuahuas,
0:02:10 > 0:02:14formation welding, David Dickinson's paso doble,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17but this is the breakthrough for variety.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, thank you!
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- You could have earned a ticket out of here, you're in the show.- Sir!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Does that mean me too?- New prisoner.
0:02:27 > 0:02:3154836 - Hellcat McSavage, sir! ..Come on!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33McSavage, yes, come here.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Don't be shy. - MCSAVAGE GROWLS
0:02:35 > 0:02:40These places can be intimidating. I'm sure you'll fit right in.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Aggh!
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Yes, well, I'll just leave you to make some new friends.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48- Burgess.- Sir.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Oh, what a lovely doggie. ..Hello, doggie.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56The dog is a prisoner and will be appearing on today's show.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57On your way, thank you.
0:02:57 > 0:03:04Now then, sir...this new prisoner - Hellcat -
0:03:04 > 0:03:06what's his act exactly?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Close-up magic, I believe.- Oh?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He booked himself into Wembley Stadium.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16People at the back couldn't see a thing. Got ten years for that.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22EVIL LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:29- Go on, then.- No, I really think it should be you, Mel.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I think you should go.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39No, no, you do it.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh, for goodness sake, you two, I'll go!
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Hellcat?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- No, no, it's OK.- Oh.- I'll do it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54Melvin Odoom, song and dance band. Should I call you "Hellcat"?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59I'm the "go to" man around here. People need things, they come to me.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- CRUNCH! - Ow-w!
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Not any more they don't, young'un. Understand?- Yes, Hellcat.- What?!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- I mean, Mr McSavage. I understand. - Get your props in my cell.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18You want to practise your act, it's going to cost you.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I am the Daddy now.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And I want a Star Wars duvet cover,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37and a Dr Who alarm clock.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40CRASH!
0:04:42 > 0:04:47I'm very happy for you to sing in the freedom show later, son,
0:04:47 > 0:04:51but it's going to cost you 30 quid... for every note.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I don't like it, Mr Burgess. There's a funny atmosphere.
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Everyone's miserable.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04- It's beginning to feel like a prison.- I know, sir. Lovely.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Ah, Out Of The Blue, getting some practice in for the show?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Use your latest tune. Go on.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- # Yeah! #- Is that it?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21What about a Gnarls Barkley or Snow "Petrol"
0:05:21 > 0:05:24or Postman Pat - my favourite. Sing us that.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25I like that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33# Postman Pat, Postman Pat And his black-and-white cat
0:05:33 > 0:05:39# All the birds are singing The day is just beginning
0:05:39 > 0:05:44# Pat feels he's a really happy man! He's Postman Pat! #
0:05:44 > 0:05:47That's more like it. Very good.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53Oh, well, I wouldn't mind being charged if this was a Broadway stage,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56but this is a prison - what is this place coming to?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Quiet! Shush!
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- It cost me, but I've got it.- What, Hellcat's real record.- Yeah, look.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08He's not a real entertainer - five bank robberies, two diamond heists,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13- and a late video return.- What was it?- The Empire Strikes Back.- Oh, yes!
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Vintage Mark Hamill, good choice. - Yeah.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19The point is, he pulled strings for an easy stretch.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22We should let the Governor know.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26It could be risky. If Hellcat finds out it was us, he'll get us.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Of course, there is another way.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32What?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Yoo-hoo, Governor, over here! What are you doing?!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Oh, hello. Yoo-hoo, over here.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- My latest discovery.- Oh, yes, sorry to interrupt, sir, but...
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Let the lad speak.
0:06:45 > 0:06:50I think our newest arrival has something to tell you.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54Come this way. I think he doesn't quite fit in.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh, yes?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01HELLCAT WAILS
0:07:02 > 0:07:04What's wrong with everybody?
0:07:04 > 0:07:08I'm just trying to make some friends. He knows I'm homesick.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- Why does he have to keep rubbing it in?- There, there, I understand.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16It just takes time, that's all. Come here.
0:07:16 > 0:07:21- Look what you've done, you brute. - But...- No buts. No bullying.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Mr Burgess, lock this puppet in his cell until show time.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Ooh, it's an outrage.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Now, let this be a lesson to all of you.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39We all miss our families, especially in a place like this.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43- We have to be grown up. Mr Burgess? - Sir?- Get my mum on the phone.- Sir!
0:07:54 > 0:07:59Right, I think it's about time you all started practising your acts.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06DOOR OPENS
0:08:06 > 0:08:11- Mr McSavage, sorry to disturb you. - What?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- Are you concerned about the freedom show?- "Freedom show"?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- The performance.- What performance?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22You and I both know that you shouldn't be here.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29That's cool. I'm worried you'll get found out.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- What are you talking about? - You say you're a magician,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36but what if the Governor asks you to do a trick?
0:08:36 > 0:08:41- You got a point.- Now, Woodrow here... - MELV WOLF-WHISTLES
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- ..the Warlock from Worksop has agreed to show you some moves.- Yeah?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47What's the catch?
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Well, perhaps you could be just a tiny bit nicer to everyone.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You got a deal.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56No coloured hankies, though!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Right, so it's agreed.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05We get him a slot on the freedom show,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08then we throw it to let him win - to get rid of him.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Right? Yeah? Just need to persuade the Governor to put him on the bill.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Aggh! CRASH!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21It's no use! I can't do it!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- It's no use! I can't do it! - Take it easy.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- It's not going to work! - Show us what you've learnt so far.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34See?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Oh, dear!
0:09:37 > 0:09:41We're doomed. Only an idiot would fall for that.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Everyone all right in here?
0:09:44 > 0:09:45PING!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yes, see you soon, byesy-bye.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53It was amazing. He had a card in his hand,
0:09:53 > 0:09:57and the next minute it had, like, completely disappeared.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01It was there, then not there. It's a playing card...
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Yes, yes, I have seen card tricks before. I'm sure it was dazzling.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Your recommendation has been duly filed.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13We filled the last slot on the freedom show this morning
0:10:13 > 0:10:15with Peter Nokio and Ted Astaire.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Show business is a tough business.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21If it hadn't been for that tap-dancing puppet,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23he'd have been right in there.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27I want to help, but I won't get another chance on the show.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29You're telling me. Shut it!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33It's not about you. It's been hell since he arrived.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Yeah, you selfish twit.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40You've been great, but I can't let this opportunity pass me by.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I don't know how you can live with yourself.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Anyway, how do I look?- Divine.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,
0:11:01 > 0:11:05where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Now, please welcome your host, feeding three square meals a day
0:11:10 > 0:11:14to performers whose talent has gone astray,
0:11:14 > 0:11:16it's the Governor!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17APPLAUSE
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Who's the Governor?!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You are the Governor!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Great, welcome to The Slammer, where you decide
0:11:38 > 0:11:43who takes the walk of freedom from our marvellous performing prisoners.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Are you ready for this?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48ALL: Yes!
0:11:48 > 0:11:53We've got Samsam the Bubbleman. He blows bubbles all over the place.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57We've got a great group called Out Of The Blue!
0:11:57 > 0:11:58ALL: Wooh!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00We've got our very own Pete
0:12:00 > 0:12:05who's here with a very special guest called Ted Astaire.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Jailers and jailbirds, give a big hand
0:12:08 > 0:12:11to Donelda and her freestyle dog - Biba!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23MUSIC PLAYS "Le Freak" by Chic
0:13:50 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:59Donelda and Biba - a lovely round of applause, please, boys and girls.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Oh, marvellous!
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Well, I think Biba had her human very well trained there, didn't she?
0:14:08 > 0:14:09ALL: Yes!
0:14:09 > 0:14:14But what did you think? Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- Hello, sir. Your assessment of that act?- Um, it was really good,
0:14:18 > 0:14:22but she did the same moves a lot - a bit repetitive.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What did you think, young man?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Magnificent! They don't need to train any more.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33You don't have to train any more. You've cracked it. Wonderful.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37It was terrific. I've never seen anything like it before.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Never in your whole life?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Sum that up with a final word from Mr Burgess.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Would you sum that act up for us in a final word, Miss?
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Fantabbytastic.- Fantabbytastic. Tabby, that's cats.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55Will Donelda and Biba scamper out through the doors of The Slammer?
0:14:55 > 0:15:00Who knows? We've got to see some more performing prisoners now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04The next performing prisoner is very, very unusual.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08He's used up all the washing-up liquid in The Slammer,
0:15:08 > 0:15:10doing mysterious bubble things.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome Samsam the Bubbleman.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Give him a big hand there, ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- for Samsam the Bubbleman! - APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:03My word! Oh-h! Don't try that when you're doing the washing-up.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You'll get into trouble. What did you think? Let's find out.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- What did you think of his act? - Brilliant.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14And? Come on! Come on!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16What else?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17I don't know.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- I thought he was OK but not brilliant.- Could you do that?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Probably not.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- I didn't know bubbles could get so big.- They were quite big.- Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- On a scale of one to ten, how big were they?- Ten.- Ten.
0:18:31 > 0:18:36Some bubbly words there. Let's have a final one from Mr Burgess.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- One, sir, one. I'm looking for one. - Bubbatastic.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Bubbatastic, sir.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Will Samsam the Bubbleman blow his way out of The Slammer?
0:18:46 > 0:18:51You'll be deciding later. We've got 11 performing prisoners to see now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57They're eating us out of porridge, so I really hope they win this week.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Please give it up for Out Of The Blue!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12THEY HUM IN HARMONY
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# When I'm down and my hands are tied
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# Hands are tied
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- # I cannot reach a pen for me to draw the line- Draw the line
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- # From this pain I just can't disguise- Can't disguise
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- # It's going to hurt but I'll have to say goodbye- Say goodbye
0:19:40 > 0:19:42# Up in my lonely room
0:19:42 > 0:19:46# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?
0:19:46 > 0:19:51# I still need you but I don't want you now
0:19:51 > 0:19:53THEY HUM IN HARMONY
0:20:27 > 0:20:29# Up in my lonely room
0:20:29 > 0:20:34# When I'm dreaming of you Oh, what can I do?
0:20:34 > 0:20:38# I still need you but I don't want you now! #
0:20:41 > 0:20:43APPLAUSE
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Give them a big hand there.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Give them a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen -
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Out Of The Blue.
0:20:53 > 0:20:58My word! We've got more performers than we've got jailers there.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What did you think of Out Of The Blue?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Let's go over to our boy in blue - Mr Burgess.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08A cappella or kakappella - what did you think of it?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11A bit freaky when they were dancing.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- You didn't like the dancing?- No.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- What was best, their singing or they're dancing?- Their singing.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22- What did you think to that? - It was weird
0:21:22 > 0:21:27because it was only them singing and it sounded like they had a theme tune
0:21:27 > 0:21:32and their dancing was weird so I'll give it eight out of ten.
0:21:32 > 0:21:37- One final word from you.- Beatful. - Beatful?- Yeah.- Very nice.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Beatful, sir.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- Who's the Governor? - You're the Governor!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Shout out the act that you want to release from The Slammer.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Well, you can't make your mind up yet.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57We've got one more performing prisoner to see
0:21:57 > 0:22:00or, rather, one more and a little one
0:22:00 > 0:22:04because Peter Nokio has been in The Slammer for a long time,
0:22:04 > 0:22:08but we're going to give him another chance at freedom.
0:22:08 > 0:22:14Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Pete and Ted Astaire?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Ladies and gentlemen, ladies...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27ECHOING WHINE
0:22:27 > 0:22:30'It's been hell since McSavage arrived.'
0:22:30 > 0:22:34'Nobody so much as taps a foot without my say-so.'
0:22:34 > 0:22:37'It's not just about you, Pete. It's about all of us.'
0:22:37 > 0:22:39'I am the Daddy now.'
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Do the right thing, Peter.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Hellcat McSavage!
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Come on, Mr Hellcat, you're on. Come on!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12What did you think of that? What did you think of Hellcat McSavage?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17Oh. I hear the sound of my own footsteps. ..Mr Burgess, help me.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22I'm not too sure what to make of that. What did you make of it?
0:23:22 > 0:23:27- Rubbish, like a dustbin. Pathetic and worthless.- I agree with that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:33- Sir!- Yes.- Sum that act up for us in one word.- Garbage.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Garbage, sir.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40I don't think Hellcat will get the highest score, but you never know.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Let's welcome them all back onto the stage.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45A round of applause for all of them.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51For Donelda and Biba, for Samsam the Bubbleman, for Out Of The Blue,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53all 11 of them,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58and, of course, bringing up the rear, it's that Hellcat McSavage.
0:23:58 > 0:24:03- Oh, watch out for him. Keep an eye on him, Mr Burgess.- Don't you worry.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Jailers and jailbirds, I want you to show your appreciation.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11This is what will measure your scores.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16Yes, lovingly displayed by Gimbert there - The Slammer clapometer.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Each act steps forward, you clap and the clapometer turns it into points.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25The highest points go free. Are you ready to do this?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27ALL: Yes!
0:24:27 > 0:24:32Well, a lovely act - the first time a doggie's performed in The Slammer.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37Will you give a great big hand to Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41CHEERING
0:24:45 > 0:24:51Marvellous. Oh, I wonder if she could train Gimbert to do that
0:24:51 > 0:24:55if she gave him a chocolate drop. I doubt it. Let's see the score.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Donelda and Biba - 103.9. That's a great score.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Let's go on to our second performer. What a bubbly performance it was.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Jailers and jailbirds, make some noise for Samsam the Bubbleman.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10CHEERING
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Good score but that means you'll stay with us a bit longer.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Now 11 of them,
0:25:24 > 0:25:29all in smart suits that they've borrowed for the occasion.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big hand for out Of The Blue.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Well, that means you're staying a bit longer.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50More porridge, Mr Burgess.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55We've got one more performing prisoner. He was lovely, wasn't he?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59His warm smile, his winning manner,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03his wonderful trick, I only say that cos I'm frightened.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Jailers, jailbirds, convict connoisseurs,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09what did you think of Hellcat McSavage?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11BOOING FROM AUDIENCE
0:26:15 > 0:26:18And Hellcat scores... Let's have a look.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Oh, 2.
0:26:19 > 0:26:25Well, what do you expect? I'm a real criminal. I'm not an entertainer.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Mr Burgess, did you hear that?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Gimbert, take him away.
0:26:30 > 0:26:36Come with me. You're a very naughty man indeed.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40He's a criminal, not an entertainer. I should have guessed it.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45That means the winners of The Slammer this week and free to go
0:26:45 > 0:26:48are Donelda and her freestyle dog Biba.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- You're free to go. - CHEERING
0:26:50 > 0:26:53You're free to go.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Off you go.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00The rest of you, back in the cells. Warders, take them away.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Poor Mr Burgess. Out Of The Blue, and Samsam the Bubbleman -
0:27:05 > 0:27:09give them a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds, please.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14- CHEERING - Bye, doggie, yes.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Jailers and jailbirds, that's it from The Slammer.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25We're locking them up in their cells ready for another freedom show soon.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29From everyone here, if you can't dance or rhyme, don't do the crime.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Bye, everybody. Bye-bye.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# Leave The Slammer
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:27:54 > 0:27:57SIREN WAILS
0:27:57 > 0:28:03- Get off!- Off you go, Hellcat. You're not welcome here. Naughty boy.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05I thought he should have won.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.