0:00:03 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go and fetch the audience Bring 'em to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# Leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:00:44 > 0:00:47RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- I'm practising Russian.- Huh?
0:00:58 > 0:00:59You haven't forgotten?
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Today's the foreign exchange.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Any minute, the governor and some inmates from Da Clinkski
0:01:05 > 0:01:10will arrive to take part in the annual Russia-British Prison Cup!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Don't you remember me telling you this?
0:01:13 > 0:01:18Bah rah rah Russians rah rah rah lost again rah rah foreign exchange.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Anyway, we haven't won in 20 years, and I'm not prepared to lose again.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Melvin, tell all the inmates I'm looking for the best two acts
0:01:29 > 0:01:34to compete with the Russians in this afternoon's Freedom Show.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Their release and The Slammer's pride is at stake.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Off you go!- Move yourselves!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Mr Burgess? A word in your shell-like.
0:01:43 > 0:01:48Keep your eye on those Russians when they arrive. I don't trust 'em.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Is that clear?- As a bell, sir.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Pete! Get your puppets ready. Guv's after two acts for the freedom show,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and you might get a chance!
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Sorry, Melv, can't talk now. I'm operating.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Charlie Chimp's got an ingrowing toenail. I'm gonna whip it out.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- PETE AS CHARLIE CHIMP:- Help me! - This won't hurt a bit.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- No! It'll hurt a lot! Help me, please!- Stay still.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- No! No! No!- Charlie!- Ow!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Right! That's settled, then.
0:02:19 > 0:02:25The acts representing The Slammer and their country in this week's Freedom Show are...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27the amazing Fulcrum!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And the fantastic David Burlet!
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Excellent! We don't want those Russians winning again, do we?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- ALL: No... - That's the spirit!
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- Uncle! The Russians are coming! - The Russians are coming!
0:02:50 > 0:02:54- Vladimir!- Ed-vaard!
0:02:54 > 0:03:00So...good...to see you... again...my friend!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02And you, Vladimir!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Are you ready for a little friendly competition?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Oh yes, Vlad, we're ready!
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Which you'll lose!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Pardon me.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21I've brought with me two of the finest acts in all of Russia.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Mika the Clown.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29And...Strong Man.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33They are very, very brilliant.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36We...will...thrash...you!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Yes, well, our acts are brilliant too, Vlad!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47He-he-he-he-he...
0:03:47 > 0:03:50He-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
0:03:52 > 0:03:58Oh Teddy, the things that you say are so very, very funny!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00THEY ALL LAUGH
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Until showtime!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06RUSSIAN FOLK MUSIC
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Yes, well... I'll let you and your acts get ready for the show.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Off you pop! Thank you! See you later!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17All right, lads. All the best!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19You two. My office. Now.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Does he need all that for an ingrowing toenail?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN
0:04:33 > 0:04:35VLAD TALKS IN RUSSIAN
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I wonder what they're up to?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40CHARLIE CHIMP MUMBLES
0:04:40 > 0:04:44He's going to sabotage The Slammer acts so the Russian acts win!
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- Can you understand Russian?- Yeah, my mum was Russian, so was Charlie's.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Sabotaging the opposition. Our guv would never do that!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- We'll nobble the opposition. - Absolutely.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I won't lose out on that trophy again!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh no! They're both at it!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04It isn't what the spirit of entertainment is about.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- We've got to do something. - Follow me!
0:05:09 > 0:05:14- What are we doing?- This is where the acts keep their stuff for showtime.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17If we take it, the guvs can't nobble 'em.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Wha...oh. - Shh! Someone's coming! Hide.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- Oh...you!- You! - What are you doing 'ere?
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Oh, nothing, nothing... what are YOU doing here?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Oh...you know...
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Oh, look!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40MUSIC: "The British Grenadiers"
0:05:44 > 0:05:46RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC
0:05:51 > 0:05:53MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"
0:06:01 > 0:06:05RUSSIAN MILITARY MUSIC
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Right!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32BELL RINGS
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Right, you!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Right, you!
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Right, you!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Hey! Hey! Hey! What do you think you're doing? Look at you!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Have you both gone mad?
0:07:00 > 0:07:04It's about bringing people together, not fighting over who wins!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- Shame on you!- Shame on you!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09You're right. We've been fools.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12We should be embracing the spirit of competition,
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- not tearing against each other. - You're right. As we say in Russia,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Moya sudnaya vodyshka podusshka polna oogly.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- What does that mean? - My hovercraft is full of eels.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30I agree. If that's all settled, I have a few things to attend to.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Melvin, Pete, make sure all the acts have everything they need.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37See you later...
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Right, Gimbert. All set? - Yes, Mr Burgess.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Sorry, lads, the nobbling's off.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- Off, sir?- Fair's fair in The Slammer from now on.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- ALARM SOUNDS - Look at the time! How do I look?
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- Divine, sir.- Thank you very much. In that case...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:25 > 0:08:28RUSSIAN DANCE-STYLE MUSIC
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Who is the Governor?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40ALL: You are the Governor!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Marvellous to see you, jailers and jailbirds.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Welcome to The Slammer,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48with some special guests all the way from Russia! Ooooh!
0:08:48 > 0:08:49ALL: Ooooh!
0:08:49 > 0:08:53We've got some marvellous performing acts for you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Only you will decide who'll be walking free from The Slammer
0:08:57 > 0:09:00and winning the special cup today. So who will it be?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03We've got a balancing act called Fulcrum! Ooooh!
0:09:03 > 0:09:05ALL: Ooooh!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08We have a strong man, who funnily enough is called Strong Man!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10ALL: Ooooh!
0:09:10 > 0:09:16- We've got a plate-spinning act called David Burlet!- ALL: Ooooh!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But first off we have an act from Russia,
0:09:19 > 0:09:24he's serving five years in Da Clinkski, the Russian prison,
0:09:24 > 0:09:30please show your appreciation for Mika the Clown!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:34 > 0:09:38UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC
0:09:58 > 0:10:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:32UPTEMPO CHEERFUL MUSIC
0:10:58 > 0:11:01CHEERING
0:11:36 > 0:11:38LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40CHEERING STOPS
0:11:40 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Mika the Clown, please, round of applause!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Ooh, I'm never playing ping-pong with him!
0:11:51 > 0:11:55But what did you think? Did he ping or did he pong?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Battleship Potemkin or Sink The Bismarck?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Mika the clown, it was really funny,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I think nobody else could do it apart from him. Ten out of ten.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07A very positive comment.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- Did you like him?- Very interesting. I thought he was quite odd, but good.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- And miss.- I think it was very good and clever and funny.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21Clever and funny. Worthy of a letter to Brezhnev, miss?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Er, well...- Never mind.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Can you show us how he did it? Go on.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32That was good! Either that, or you've got ants in your pants!
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Sir, could you sum that act up in one final word?- Er, it was...
0:12:36 > 0:12:42- That's not one final word, is it? You know the rules...- Fantastic.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Well, Mika the Clown getting it off to a great start there.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Now, an act from The Slammer itself.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52A balancing act, an acrobatic act. Difficult to describe,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56but they're stretchy. They're serving a nine-month stretch!
0:12:56 > 0:12:59But will today be the day they are released?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Let's find out, as we welcome... Fulcrum!
0:13:03 > 0:13:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:15SLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC
0:13:28 > 0:13:30APPLAUSE
0:13:48 > 0:13:50APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:01APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:43 > 0:14:45APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:39Marvellous! Let's hear a round of applause for Fulcrum!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41LOUD CHEERING
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Well, they seemed like a pair of balanced individuals.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Have they done enough to win their freedom? Mr Burgess, over to you!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Representing The Slammer, the Fulcrum -
0:15:53 > 0:15:55was it your British cup of tea, sir?
0:15:55 > 0:16:00The most amazing performance I have seen in my entire life.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- A lot of body strength. Do you think he eats steak?- Yeah.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Steak and willpower?- Yeah.
0:16:06 > 0:16:13- Did you like that?- Yes. They should be let out of The Slammer. Awesome!
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- What about you?- I thought the act as a whole was amazing, and looked hard.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23But I thought their costumes were a tiny bit strange!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Strange, sir?- Yeah.- Do go on, sir.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29They were like army costumes but in different colours.
0:16:29 > 0:16:35They were a bit camouflage, a bit "you can't see me"?
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- Miss, one final word to describe that act?- Fantastic!- Fantastic, sir!
0:16:40 > 0:16:46Will Fulcrum go free? Only you can decide later, with the Clapometer.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Our next performing prisoner is called Strong Man,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51because he is a very strong man.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55He's serving eight-and-a-half years in Da Clinkski,
0:16:55 > 0:17:00will you please give a round of applause to welcome the Strong Man!
0:17:00 > 0:17:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:06 > 0:17:09MYSTICAL ORGAN MUSIC
0:17:18 > 0:17:20MUSIC SPEEDS UP
0:17:35 > 0:17:37AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO MUSIC
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:20 > 0:19:21LOUD CHEERING
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Take him away, if you can!
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Give him a nice round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!
0:19:32 > 0:19:36Ooh, a strongman! Looked like me in my swimming costume!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40But what did you think? Did he get a strong score?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Was he a strong act for you, sir?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48He was very strong and he would win in any wrestling match.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Do you think we should let him go?
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I think he might break the door down first.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Did you like him? - He had the strength of two men.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I thought there was two men inside!
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Did he appeal to you?
0:20:00 > 0:20:06I thought his act was very strange, and he looked more fat than strong,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09but I did like it when he did a handstand on the chair.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Tell us what you thought of him.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14It was crazy how he inflated himself,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17picked up the weights and balanced on the chair.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20For a final word, miss, one word,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- sum that act up!- Terrific.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Terrific, sir!
0:20:25 > 0:20:31Felon fans, who will be going free? One more perfoming prisoner to see!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And what an act this is.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36This gentleman does things with plates and crockery.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39He's serving 12 months in The Slammer
0:20:39 > 0:20:42for doing a special show at Buckingham Palace
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and breaking all the Queen's bone china.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Please give a round of applause to David Burlet!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:20:59APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:06UPTEMPO FUNKY MUSIC
0:21:49 > 0:21:50AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:14 > 0:22:17FAST DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:23:06 > 0:23:07MUSIC CUTS OUT
0:23:07 > 0:23:09DRUM ROLL
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Let's hear it for David Burlet!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LOUD CHEERING
0:23:35 > 0:23:40Very good, but it takes him an hour and a half to wash the dishes!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41What did you think of him?
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Have you ever seen plate-spinning done before, miss?
0:23:45 > 0:23:47No. That act was the best,
0:23:47 > 0:23:51because at times the plates were going to fall off,
0:23:51 > 0:23:56and then he realised, and he stopped it and it was really exciting.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01- Did you enjoy that plate-spinning act?- Yeah, it was brilliant.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- Mesmerising, the best one yet. - Miss, what about you?
0:24:05 > 0:24:10- I went to circus school when I was six.- An entertainer in our midsts?
0:24:10 > 0:24:16- And I can do better than he did! - Better? Right, I see.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- Tell everyone what you said to me earlier.- Your armpits smell!
0:24:21 > 0:24:26My armpits smell? It wasn't that. What was it actually?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- I smelt like...- Poo!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Thank you. Just thought we'd get that out for everybody. Charming!
0:24:32 > 0:24:37Would you like to give me a final word to sum that act up?
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Errrrr, really...
0:24:39 > 0:24:40"Er", sir!
0:24:40 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Well, it's time for the Clapometer. But before we do that,
0:24:47 > 0:24:51let's welcome the Governor of the Russian Prison for Entertainers,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Da Clinkski, - yes, it's Vladimir!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:58 > 0:25:00A good show, Vlad?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04A good show. Credit to you and your people, and this fine audience.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Good competition, credit goes to you all.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09What a nice man, and what nice hair!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Now we must welcome back all our performing prisoners!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Give them a round of applause!
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Mika the Clown!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17Fulcrum!
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Strong Man!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21And David Burlet!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Only one of them can walk free.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32The more you cheer and clap, the higher the score on the Clapometer.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Let's hear it for Mika the Clown!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38WILD CHEERING
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Ooh, a good score - 82.4 for Mika!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Next, we had an incredibly balanced act. Are they going free?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Let's hear it for Fulcrum!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54WILD CHEERING
0:25:59 > 0:26:02They go into the lead with 90.1!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06But two more acts to see.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Will he be going free? Will he be bending the iron bars of the prison?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Let's see, as we hear it for Strong Man!
0:26:14 > 0:26:15WILD CHEERING
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh, not so strong a score, I'm afraid!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Just 76.6. One more performing prisoner to see.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30With his plate-spinning act, did he do enough to spin himself free?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Let's see, as you make that noise for David Burlet!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37WILD CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:45Well, almost off the scale. 96 points, that means...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48going free is David Burlet!
0:26:48 > 0:26:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:54Set him free. Give him a round of applause, jailers and jailbirds.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57He's on his way, the long road to freedom.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00The rest... Mr Burgess, it's back to the cells for them.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- What's for supper?- Blinis, with sloppy, ploppy porridge!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Sloppy, ploppy porridge again!
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Never mind, take them away but give them a big hand, they all did well!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Off you go. - APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Well, that's it, and in the spirit of comradeship,
0:27:17 > 0:27:22- I'd like to say thanks to my old friend, Vladimir.- Uhh, yes!
0:27:22 > 0:27:26That's all from Da Clinkski and The Slammer! See you soon! Bye!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:44 > 0:27:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Well, gentlemen, we won.
0:27:49 > 0:27:55But remember, it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- ALL: Yeeeeaaahhhh! - We've done 'em, sir.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06We've done 'em, under this flag.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Oh, what a proud day this is.