0:00:04 > 0:00:09# You've been found guilty Of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Every type of instrument Entertainment and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Performing to the limit To try and get released
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:31 > 0:00:36# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# It's the only way You'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:45 > 0:00:49..Would have been killed if it wasn't for his tiny moustache.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Prison news now. Tap-dancing legend Lionel Blair
0:00:53 > 0:00:57has been sentenced to ten years in showbiz prison The Slammer,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59for doing the foxtrot in a chicken coop.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03The entertainer was led from Southampton Magistrates' Court
0:01:03 > 0:01:05amid chaotic scenes.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08This is a spectacular fall from grace for Blair,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11who is considered to be Britain's greatest tap-dancer.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Watch the hair!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Of all time. Ever.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17MUSIC STING
0:01:17 > 0:01:19MUSIC STING Lionel Blair! Yes!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22You're top of our Most Wanted List. Nice to be wanted, Chubby Chops.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Let's get your mug shot done.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Oh, I don't think that smile is suitable, do you, Lionel? Sorry.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Ah, that's much better!
0:01:32 > 0:01:36There we are. You're too late to be in this week's Freedom Show,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37but the line-up is cracking.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I've chosen Russian Bar...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Gamarjobat...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Black Room Jackson...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49And Attila Endresz.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I'm sure your chance will come one day soon. Wicked.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Lionel, I'm quite a fan.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Would you mind showing me some of your famous tap-dancing steps? Oh.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Er... Oh, no, I couldn't possibly.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07The trouble is, it's the... The carpet.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's far too brown.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Too brown?! What are you, lad, some kind of comedian?
0:02:12 > 0:02:15No, Mr Burgess, he's a tap dancer. Shut up.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Now don't get smart with us, lad.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I know all about tap-dancing.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I've won an award.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Wasn't that the one you got for being the biggest sap-head?
0:02:25 > 0:02:26How did you know that?
0:02:26 > 0:02:30There's something strange about you, and I'm not talking about the tap.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34I'm sure you can do a little tap dance for us in this 'ere office.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Yes. I couldn't possibly. You see... It's my thumb.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I hurt it. Peeling a tangerine.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I think I'll make you Peter Noccio's new cellmate. Yes.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50He's going to be so happy.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I'm not so sure about that, sir.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Look at him. He's been moping about like that for months.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Ever since his last cellmate, Melvin O'Doom, was released.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He's not been eating properly either.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Look Peter, I know it's hard, but Melvin's not coming back.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23You've got a new cellmate now. He's a tap-dance legend.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It'll be great! So, we'll leave you to get to know Mr Noccio.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30And all his little imaginary friends.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Peter! Good to see ya!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I mean...very pleased to meet you.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Oh, we're going to have such fun!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44MUSIC STING
0:03:44 > 0:03:48What shall we do first? Bring back Melvin! BRING BACK MELVIN!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54All right, cellmate-y mate?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Are you ignoring me?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Those are Melvin's CDs.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Chico! A man with great taste.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07It's Chico time!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09You obviously don't know him.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Hang on! You're wearing Melvin's clothes!
0:04:13 > 0:04:17There's a reason why I'm wearing Melvin's clothes.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21You're copying him because you want to replace him but you never will!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23No no no! Lionel, Lionel!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Come with me to the stage.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Mr Burgess has invoked... Section 12 of the Slammer Act!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Section 12! You're in for it now, Lionel Blair!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34What's Section 12? Section 12.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41Lionel Tarquin Montague Evelyn Blair.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46You know what this is, lads? A finger.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Don't get smart. Section 12.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Dance Club.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56There's only two rules to Dance Club.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59The first rule of Dance Club is...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03You must dance.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06The second rule of Dance Club is...
0:05:06 > 0:05:09no fizzy drinks near the stage.
0:05:10 > 0:05:16Now. If you lose, you get another ten years in this 'ere Slammer.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21If you win, you get this rather lovely Teasmade.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25And who said I ain't fair?!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30One! Two! A-one two three four!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32MUSIC STARTS
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Ha-ha!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Aaaaargh! CLATTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22Looks like another ten years in The Slammer for you, Mr Blair.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26A-ha-ha! Fantastic! Wicked! It's just what I wanted!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31You see, there's really a reason I can't dance as well as Lionel Blair.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33It's because I'm...
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Melvin! # Don't stop till you get enough! #
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Melvin! Melvin!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40O'Doom!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I pretended to be Lionel Blair to get back in here.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45I missed this place, I missed my friends.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I read about Lionel in the paper, and...
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Er... Took his place.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Hold on a minute. If you're 'ere...
0:06:52 > 0:06:55then where's the real Lionel Blair?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Where's The Slammer?! Does anyone know where The Slammer is?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Melvin, I've got two things to say to you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Firstly, badly impersonating a tap-dance legend.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You realise, we've no choice but to keep you in here.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21And secondly, it's great to have you back, son!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24This hardly seems fair, sir, it's exactly what he wanted.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28So I've taken the liberty of drawing up a few extra punishments
0:07:28 > 0:07:32for O'Doom. Just a few of my little specialities.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Drink a glass of dirty dog-juice every morning? Oh yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Harsh but fair, Mr B! BUZZER
0:07:39 > 0:07:43Now, the audience are in, so...how do I look?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45ALL: Fine. Thank you very much.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46In that case...
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It's showtime!
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58where you decide which prisoner will be released!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Now please welcome your host -
0:08:00 > 0:08:04he puts the rinky-dink-dink into the clink -
0:08:04 > 0:08:07please welcome the Governor!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Who's the Governor? AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Welcome to The Slammer,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32where we've got some fantastic performing prisoners for you.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36We have got a wonderful act, a unicyclist called Attila Andresz!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42We've got a marvellous act called Black Room Jackson,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45very mysterious. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Then some performing prisoners called Russian Bar.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Right now, let's get on and meet our first performing prisoner act.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56They're all the way from Japan,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59and they're serving three years in the Davro wing
0:08:59 > 0:09:02for thinking I was a sumo wrestler. Cheek.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Please give a big round of applause, film fans, to Gamarjobat!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Showtime, ladies and gentlemen.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17MUSIC
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Let's go.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:40 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:04APPLAUSE
0:10:12 > 0:10:14No?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:25HE GRUNTS
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Ohhh!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Wah!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Bye!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Wah!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06WHEE!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09CRASH!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:16 > 0:12:21What did you think of Gamarjobat? Over to Mr Burgess's side first.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24What did you think, Miss? I think it was fantastic
0:12:24 > 0:12:27because on the escalator it was funny.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32How would you describe the act for us? I found it hilarious.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37Especially when one stood on one side and they punched each other.
0:12:37 > 0:12:43But if you take the wall away... No, no! Don't give away any secrets!
0:12:43 > 0:12:48And you? It was funky and brilliant. I liked the ball act.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Can you speak Japanese? No. I can.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I know the Japanese word for a baby's nappy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56A-sack-a-poo-poo. LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:13:01Could you sum that up in just one word for us, Miss? Excellent.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"Excellent," Sir! Makes you proud to be British.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Will Gamarjobat take the walk of freedom? It's too early to say.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11The next performing prisoner -
0:13:11 > 0:13:13what a performing prisoner. He's a real high flyer!
0:13:13 > 0:13:18He's a unicyclist whose unicycle is nine-foot high.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Give me an "Ooh!" ALL: Ooh!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Right, that's another punishment done.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30"Clean the toilets using this special toilet brush!"
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Jailers and jailbirds, felon fans, please raise the roof of the Slammer
0:13:34 > 0:13:39for Attila Endresz! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:45 > 0:13:48JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:10 > 0:14:13CHEERING
0:14:23 > 0:14:26THEY SCREAM
0:15:09 > 0:15:12CHEERING
0:15:58 > 0:16:01AUDIENCE SCREAMS
0:16:05 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Attila Endresz. What did you think?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Sensational! Give him a big hand!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, what did you think of him?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Could you hold that! Do you know who this is?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28HE SCREAMS
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Em... That was you sat next to her, watching that!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37What did you think? Magnificent and definitely will get my vote today.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41You've done a drawing? Yeah. Let's have a look.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45It's not very good. Very good drawing, very good.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Would you say the first act is slightly ahead at the moment?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50MURMURS
0:16:50 > 0:16:53SOME SHOUT LOUDLY
0:16:53 > 0:16:56All right! Settle down. This gentlemen said it was superior.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00The first act was superior that one? Yes. Why?
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Because they did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!
0:17:04 > 0:17:09"They did a whole lot more than just going up a load of ramps!"
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Right then, young man, sum that act up in just one word.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Freaky. Freaky, Sir!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Now another performing prisoner.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20This next act is very unusual -
0:17:20 > 0:17:22they perform in the dark.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24They're serving five years in the Slammer
0:17:24 > 0:17:26for not paying their electricity bill.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Will you please make
0:17:28 > 0:17:33loads and loads of noise and cheers for Black Room Jackson!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:17:39 > 0:17:41SMASH!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44MUSIC: "Jam" by Michael Jackson
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# Times and tears for fears
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# We must live each day like it's the last
0:18:04 > 0:18:06# Go with it Go with it. Jam!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11# It ain't too much to... Jam!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to
0:18:14 > 0:18:18# It ain't too much for me to It ain't too much for me
0:18:18 > 0:18:19# Jam!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20# Ah-ha jam!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# It ain't too much Jam!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26# It ain't too much It ain't too much for me to
0:18:26 > 0:18:27# Jam!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31# It ain't It ain't too much
0:18:31 > 0:18:35# Don't you It ain't too much for me to... #
0:18:39 > 0:18:41RAP: Jam jam Here comes the man
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Hot damn The big boy stands
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Movin' up a hand Makin' funky tracks
0:18:43 > 0:18:44With my man Michael Jackson
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Smooth Criminal That's the man
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Mike's so relaxed Mingle mingle jingle...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09# Jam! Get on it
0:19:09 > 0:19:11# Give it, baby
0:19:11 > 0:19:13# Give it to me
0:19:13 > 0:19:16# You just want to give it. Jam! #
0:19:18 > 0:19:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:22 > 0:19:25EVIL LAUGH
0:19:29 > 0:19:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Wahey, give them a big cheer, there they are!
0:19:37 > 0:19:45My word... What a sensational act! I thought of a song they could do -
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"I Ain't Got No Body!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:51What did YOU think of Black Room Jackson? Did you like the routine?
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Yes. The music? Yes. Choreography? That was good. What about the shoes?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Did you like the hat? Yes. What about the gloves? Were they integral? Yes.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Did you like the orange hat, Miss? Yes. Good. And you,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07did you like them? I liked it when the man exploded as well.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10And you've drawn a picture, is that of the actor? Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14You've given him a score of 9? out of ten, very good. Right...
0:20:14 > 0:20:20I'd like that act summed up in one word by YOU, young man. Fantastic!
0:20:20 > 0:20:26Fantastic, sir! Wow, what tremendous performing prisoners we've got here!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Are you enjoying them, boys and girls, yeah? ALL: YES!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Right, one punishment left...
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Run across the stage with some pants on my head?!
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Well, if that's what he wants.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41..Then you will decide who's going free...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# Don't stop till you get enough... # Hang on...
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Yes.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49'Just look at that idiot,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51'running about with those big,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54'floppy pants on his head. Ha-ha!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56'Hold on, they're my pants!'
0:20:56 > 0:20:58HE SHOUTS ANGRILY
0:20:58 > 0:21:00MUSIC STOPS Oh, I don't know.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08one more act to see. This act are from Russia. Very unusual.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10They're doing four years here
0:21:10 > 0:21:14for escaping from the last prison they were in. You'll see why,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18cos they went over the wall... Give it all up for Russian Bar!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:39DANCE MUSIC
0:23:27 > 0:23:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Ah, brilliant!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Russian Bar! Let's hear it for Russian Bar!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! Wow!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45What did you think of them? Mr Burgess... Budge up, Miss.
0:23:45 > 0:23:52Ah... Now, Miss, do you ever think the day's been a bit long and hard,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56you get very tired and want to go home for your dinner with Marjorie?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59I don't know. Oh, all right then. What was the best bit
0:23:59 > 0:24:05in the whole performance? Well, when the lady actually...
0:24:05 > 0:24:09jumped up and she just did the backflip. Yeah.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13So, I liked that really a lot. What about you, sir? I thought it was
0:24:13 > 0:24:161,000 out of 1,000. That's one of the highest scores we've had.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Are they getting your vote? Definitely. They should go free?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Oh, yeah. They're better than anything else you've seen so far?
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Yep...by a big margin. Does the audience agree with that? YES!
0:24:28 > 0:24:33You've never seen that act before, describe them. They were fabulous...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Yes. ..because when they did the flips, it was brilliant.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39In a final word, sum that act up...
0:24:39 > 0:24:45for us. Flabbergastic. Flabbergastic, sir! Thank you for your thoughts
0:24:45 > 0:24:50on Russian Bar. It's time to decide who takes the walk of freedom,
0:24:50 > 0:24:54so let's welcome them all back, please - Gamarjobat...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Attila Endresz...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Black Room Jackson...
0:24:59 > 0:25:04and Russian Bar! Give them a big round of applause, everybody!
0:25:04 > 0:25:08There they are...all looking tremendous. Weren't they wonderful?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12But only one act can be released from The Slammer today,
0:25:12 > 0:25:17and you will decide with this - Gimbert's all-new clapometer.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Bigger and better. The more noise you make,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24the higher the score. It goes to a top possible score of 100.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28So, it's up to you. Well, the first act you saw were marvellous.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Will they go free? Let's see, as you make some noise for Gamarjobat!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LOUD CHEERING
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Oh...
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Wow! There they are, a wonderful score.
0:25:44 > 0:25:4889.2 for Gamarjobat! Very good indeed. Wonderful.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Well, that's a marvellous score, but on his unicycle,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56will you please give some appreciation for...
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Attila Endresz! LOUD CHEERING
0:26:06 > 0:26:11Ooh... Oh, 84, not a bad score, but second place at the moment.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Still in the lead, it's Gamarjobat. Very unusual acts on The Slammer
0:26:14 > 0:26:18this week, and this was no exception. Let's hear it for
0:26:18 > 0:26:22Black Room Jackson! LOUD CHEERING
0:26:25 > 0:26:2784.8. Still just in the lead,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31it's Gamarjobat. Will they be pipped at the post? Who knows.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34They came all the way from Russia, they went high,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37will they go high in the scores? Give your appreciation for
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Russian Bar! CHEERING
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Oh! Let's have a look... A sensational score there
0:26:52 > 0:26:54from Russian Bar. But still in the lead,
0:26:54 > 0:27:00the winners, with 89.2, and going free, it's Gamarjobat!
0:27:00 > 0:27:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They're free to go! Free to go!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Take them away - Gamarjobat! You're free to leave The Slammer.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Give them a round of applause! Off you go, lads.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15The rest of them - well done, everybody, tremendous!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18That's it from The Slammer. From all the gang here,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22see you again soon. Bye, everybody! Bye-bye!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Hi, I'm the new inmate.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I was kidnapped on my way here...
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I'm Lionel Blair! Yeah, yeah, very funny.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46..It's another one.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Hop it! Before I have you arrested.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Oh!