0:00:04 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:38 > 0:00:39# Leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- What's going on? - Upgrading our technology
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- and optimising our infrastructure! - What's going on?- New computer.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- Gimbert's almost finished plugging it in.- Have I?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01The most sophisticated computer money can buy.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Connected to everything - cell doors, lighting, speakers,
0:01:05 > 0:01:08and if I'm busy, it'll insult you for me!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And it'll make me a nice, milky drink!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12What if I'm too busy?
0:01:12 > 0:01:17- Break wind!- It'll even choose the Freedom Show acts.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- Letting a computer pick the acts?! - Yes.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23I was sceptical at first, but what could be fairer?
0:01:23 > 0:01:27No person could ever be as lacking in emotions as a machine.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Anyway. It's Freedom Show today.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35If it was up to me, I'd pick Shadow Master.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Does wonderful things with his hands.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Matt Hennem, king of the crystal ball.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Snake Girl, you have to see her to believe her!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And Pluck, a fantastic comedy trio.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51But we'll have to see what the computer picks.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Apparently, it's idiot-proof. Gimbert, ready to switch on?
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Right, uncle. Although there might be a power surge!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Aaaaaaghh!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Well done, Gimbert, it's working.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Let's see if I can control it.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Don't you think we should read the manual?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Don't be silly, I know my Y-box from my M3P player!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21And I've had a Wee!
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Now, I bet you this button opens the front gates.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31- Oh. Perhaps we should read the manual after all.- Good idea, sir.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33What does this one do?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35RUSHING OF AIR
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Stop it, Jeremy! - I don't know how to!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43What about this button?
0:02:43 > 0:02:49Well done. Although you do seem to have booked two flights to Venice!
0:02:49 > 0:02:54We'll have to read that manual, and properly! Where is it?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- It's here, sir.- And here.- And here.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00We need to put it back in order. Mr Burgess?
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Gimbert?- Melvin?
0:03:02 > 0:03:07The wardens want you to sort out the manual for the new computer.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Why do I get all the rubbish jobs? Once, I had to clean the toilet
0:03:11 > 0:03:14using only a pair of chopsticks!
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I know, they asked for you especially...again.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Well, all right.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Great, yeah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- Hey, you got it working!- Yeah, and I did it all be myself!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32You liar!
0:03:32 > 0:03:37This manual is really interesting! We can control anything from here.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Lights, alarms, doors...there's doors I didn't even know existed!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48There's even a map of the prison.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50You want to be in the Freedom Show today.
0:03:50 > 0:03:55You control the computer, which picks the acts. Know what this means?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57It's...nearly dinner time!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00No, we can put you in the Freedom Show!
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Should be easy. If I type in something like...
0:04:03 > 0:04:06change the Freedom Show acts...
0:04:06 > 0:04:10change one act to Peter Nocchio...
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- Oh! "Warning - never, never..." - ..press the escape key.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16.."press the escape key."
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Melvin, you great drongo, what are we going to do now?
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Pass me the manual.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"Thank you for purchasing this computer.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"To start the web proxy server..."
0:04:29 > 0:04:31That should do it.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Oh! It's completely locked me out. Can't even get on Facebook!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I need those acts printed, it's almost show time!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm trying, sir...there we go.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Right, that's better.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Today's Freedom Show acts are...
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Richard and Judy, a tin of Spam, some fluff, a hamster and a rake?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Utter rubbish!- A rake's useful!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Come here, son.- Yes, uncle?
0:04:57 > 0:04:58Aaaaagh!
0:04:58 > 0:05:03We'll go with my shortlist. It's almost show time. Pesky computer!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oooh! Aaagh!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Try the toaster!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14That's better. How do I look?
0:05:14 > 0:05:18- Wet!- Wet!- Thank you very much. It's show time!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Laidmen and gentlies, welcome to Slammer MH!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Where you is released which prisoners decide!
0:05:28 > 0:05:33- Host please welcome your now... - Oh, flipping computer!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Guv the Itsnor!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Who's The Governor? - You're The Governor!
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Feeling good?- Yeah!
0:05:57 > 0:05:58BUZZZZZZ!
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Ooh, sorry about that. Ooh, dear! What's happening here?
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- A few technical problems... - LOUD FARTING NOISE
0:06:07 > 0:06:10FARTING NOISE CONTINUES
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Sorry about that, jailers and jailbirds,
0:06:16 > 0:06:19some computer problems. But don't worry,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21we've got some marvellous performers.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24We've got Matt Hennem,
0:06:24 > 0:06:28who does wonderful things with a crystal ball,
0:06:28 > 0:06:33a very bendy act called Snake Girl,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and a marvellous musical trio, Pluck!
0:06:36 > 0:06:41But on to our first performing prisoner, convict connoisseurs.
0:06:41 > 0:06:46Serving four years in the Barker Wing for being a light-fingered act,
0:06:46 > 0:06:51the shade and shadow and magic of...The Shadow Master!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:04 > 0:07:06COCKEREL CROWING
0:07:12 > 0:07:14MAN WHISTLING
0:07:19 > 0:07:21SMALL DOG BARKING
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LARGER DOG BARKING
0:07:31 > 0:07:33BULLDOG GROWLING
0:07:36 > 0:07:38DOG PANTING
0:07:50 > 0:07:52BIRD TWITTERING
0:08:22 > 0:08:24DUCK QUACKING
0:08:32 > 0:08:34HORSE WHINNYING
0:08:34 > 0:08:37GALLOPING NOISE
0:08:51 > 0:08:53WILD WESTERN THEME MUSIC
0:09:11 > 0:09:13CAVALRY BUGLE FANFARE
0:09:19 > 0:09:23MUSIC: "All The Way" by Frank Sinatra
0:09:29 > 0:09:32# So if you let me love you
0:09:32 > 0:09:36# It's for sure I'm gonna love you
0:09:36 > 0:09:42# All the way
0:09:44 > 0:09:51# All the way. #
0:10:02 > 0:10:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:10Well, let's hear it for The Shadow Master, everybody!
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Big round of applause for The Shadow Master!
0:10:14 > 0:10:19Will he be seeing daylight, or will he stay in the shade of his cell?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Let's find out from a man
0:10:21 > 0:10:25with more than a hint of the night about him. Mr Burgess!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26What did you think?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- It was good.- It was good?
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very good!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35That was very good, miss!
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I think it's a strange but clever talent.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40It is. Can you do any?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- I can do a dog.- Go on, let's see your dog.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Put it in front of there, like that.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- There's my dog.- It's a hand dog! Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- Sum that act up for us in one word. - Fun.- Fun?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Fun, sir!- Will The Shadow Master go free?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Come on, Melv. You can do it! - Make it a bit quicker!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Many more to see...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Who is he?!- That's Buscemi!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- ..three of them, in fact... - EXPLOSION
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Naah-na-nyaah-na-nyaah!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Don't panic! - Try the break key!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Ooh!
0:11:17 > 0:11:18Dear oh dear!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome
0:11:22 > 0:11:24the talents of Matt Hennem!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:33 > 0:11:36MUSIC: "Broken Dreams" by Basement Jaxx
0:13:31 > 0:13:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Let's hear it for Matt Hennem, please!
0:13:40 > 0:13:46Matt Hennem, with his crystal ball. What does the future hold for him?
0:13:46 > 0:13:47What about you?
0:13:47 > 0:13:53I think it was pretty good, about as good as the one before it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57It was interesting how he kept the ball in one place, but still danced!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Did you like him?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04- I think it was absolutely fantastic and futurastic!- Futurastic?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- Spectacular.- Spectacular. - And brilliant, and fantastic.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Remembered any other words?- No. - Oh, good!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16And for one final word, sum that act up for us...miss.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It was amazing and fun.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24You know, it never ceases to amaze me, when I ask for one word,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I get a diatribe! Are you gonna play ball, miss?
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Right, OK. For one final word, miss? - Wicked!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Wicked, sir!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37You know the expression, "your flexible friend"?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39The next performer is certainly that.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41A very unusual act indeed,
0:14:41 > 0:14:46one of the strangest acts that I've...what's happened to my voice?
0:14:46 > 0:14:51- I'm not saying, I'm gone! - Get off the desk!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- SQUEAKY VOICE - Oh, dear! Mr Burgess!
0:14:53 > 0:14:56A few microphone difficulties there.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Probably the computer again. - My voice!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I don't sound dignified!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Try mine, sir.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Try the up key, the up key!
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- I'm trying!- Up, up!- It's not working!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- DEEP VOICE - I can't use this!
0:15:10 > 0:15:14It sounds like I'm talking through my bottom!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- SQUEAKY VOICE - It has been known, sir!
0:15:17 > 0:15:21Now you're talking ridiculously! That pesky computer!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Shut up, Buscemi! I'm gonna click "cancel".
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Is that better? It's back to normal.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You have that one and I'll have that one.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- Is that me, sir?- Yes.- Is that you, sir?- I think so.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Check the microphones. Sell them, if possible! Where was I?
0:15:38 > 0:15:43I was introducing the next performer...the lights are going!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47That computer! Might need candles by the end of the show!
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Jailers and jailbirds, before anything else goes wrong,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53let's see our next performer.
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Serving four years in The Slammer for trying to eat Roland Rat,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01will you please welcome... Snake Girl!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:04 > 0:19:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:11 > 0:19:16A big round of applause for our fabulous performing prisoner there!
0:19:16 > 0:19:21She's called the Snake Girl, isn't she wonderful?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25I can't even bend over to do me shoelaces! What did you think?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- Miss?- It looked good and weird at the same time,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and I think she's more than double-jointed.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37- Would you say triple-jointed?- Even more than that!- Quad-jointed?- Yeah.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43- More than that, are you sticking on quad?- Quad.- Right, quad-jointed.
0:19:43 > 0:19:49- Tell us about that act.- Amazing, brilliant, bendy, fantastic,
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Flexible, scary, a bit... - Scary, a bit!
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Could you sum that act up for me in one final word?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Weird!
0:19:59 > 0:20:03You even banged your nose on the microphone! Weird!
0:20:03 > 0:20:08One more performer to see. Have you been enjoying the show so far?
0:20:08 > 0:20:14Pete, I've tried everything! Hit the mouse, thrown it against the wall,
0:20:14 > 0:20:20- it's still nothing!- I've got it. Complicated, but it might work.
0:20:20 > 0:20:26Why not try...control, alt, delete?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Make some noise for Pluck!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Good afternoon, boys and girls.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Good afternoon!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49We are Pluck.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Today on the Freedom Show, we are going to play for you
0:20:53 > 0:20:55a piece by James...
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Today on the Freedom Show, we are going to play...
0:21:29 > 0:21:33..a piece by James Hendri.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41THEY PLAY "PURPLE HAZE" OUT OF TUNE
0:21:54 > 0:21:56THEY CARRY ON, IN TUNE
0:22:25 > 0:22:29# 'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky... #
0:23:16 > 0:23:18What you flamin' playing at?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Yes. Ooh! Pluck, there.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Needless to say, don't start setting fire to any musical instruments,
0:23:38 > 0:23:41or on anything! Or you'll have Mr Burgess to answer to.
0:23:41 > 0:23:46What an unusual act. James Hendri, or Jimi Hendrix to some!
0:23:46 > 0:23:50What did you think? Purple Haze, or was it more of a fog?
0:23:50 > 0:23:55- What did you make of that?- I thought it was absolutely crazy.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Absoutely crazy? Why was it crazy, miss?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Because he just took the fire thing and set the thing on fire!
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- Was he just absolutely raving bonkers?- Lock him, up yeah!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- I thought it was funny, but I thought they shouldn't win.- Why not?
0:24:11 > 0:24:15I thought the other act was better, the snake lady.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19A final word to sum up that act. Miss?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22I thought it was funny and exciting.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Now, miss...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- How many words did I just ask for? - One.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33So, to sum that act up in one final word?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Funny.- It was funny, sir!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Four great acts, but only one will go free.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42You will decide with this - the fabulous clapometer!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Whoever makes the most noise will go free, simple as that.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49So let's welcome them all back!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51The Shadow Master! Matt Hennem!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54The lovely Snake Girl!
0:24:54 > 0:24:59And Pluck! All three of them, there they are.
0:24:59 > 0:25:05Wonderful. Well, they all performed brilliantly, very different acts.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10Only one can go free. Who's it gonna be? The other three will stay,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13but let's find out as we ask each act to step forward.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16First of all - unusual and entertaining,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19what did you think of The Shadow Master?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Very good, Gimbert, yes. 89.4!
0:25:28 > 0:25:34A very good score, almost into the 90s there, The Shadow Master.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Let's go on to our second act with his crystal ball,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40do you see a bright future for Matt Hennem?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Into the 90s there, 91.9, brilliant!
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Well, we next had an unusual act.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58She looked at the world from many different ways!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01What a contortionist! Wonderful act.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Please make some noise and show your appreciation
0:26:04 > 0:26:06for the Snake Girl!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:14 > 0:26:18Oh! The Snake Girl, 91.2!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Matt Hennem's still in the lead.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But there's one more act to see.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28Could they snatch triumph at the last moment? Let's see.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30See what you think of Pluck!
0:26:30 > 0:26:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Oh, they got to 90. Marvellous scores!
0:26:40 > 0:26:45The winner, going free with his crystal ball, it's Matt Hennem!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:47 > 0:26:50He's free to go. Off you go, take your crystal ball!
0:26:50 > 0:26:55Give him a big round of applause, jailers and jailbirds!
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Well, the rest, the good news is, you're staying for tea.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05- What's for tea?- Thought we'd try one of these instant meals, sir.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- Instant meal? What is it?- You empty the contents into a bowl, add water,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and stick in the microwave, sir.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15- What is the instant meal? - Sloppy-Ploppy Porridge.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Ooh, I thought so. Take him away! Give them a big hand, please!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Off they go, back to the cells.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Well, that's almost it...
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Bye-bye! There waving as they go back to the cells!
0:27:29 > 0:27:33That's almost it from everybody here in The Slammer, except one thing -
0:27:33 > 0:27:38- if you can't sing, dance or rhyme... - Don't do the crime!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42See you soon! Give yourselves a big round of applause.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- Well, the Freedom Show went well, Gimbert!- It did, yes.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55It's nice to have that computer finally turned off.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- What are you having for tea? - Sloppy-Ploppy Porridge.- Oh...
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Glad we've got The Slammer back under human control!
0:28:03 > 0:28:09That's what you think, fatso!