0:00:03 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to the Slammer Where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go fetch the audience Bring them to the Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clap
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer
0:00:38 > 0:00:43# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Cabbage, mouldy bread,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50scummy cheese...and a rat.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Now to make a start on the soup.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57- Can I have a word?- Yeah - scram!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00No, I'm here for the inspection.
0:01:00 > 0:01:05- What inspection?- Health and Safety. Every year we have to make one.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I don't see why. It's all hygienic.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13- Really? What about this, then? - The porridge. Best not to stir it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Why not?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18It tends to stir back!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22You're all right. Anything falls in, it sinks to the bottom.
0:01:22 > 0:01:28- What falls in?!- Spiders, pigeons, prison warders doing inspections.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Really?
0:01:29 > 0:01:34I've never had any complaints. Well, no one's complained twice.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Are all your ingredients fresh? - Oh, absolutely. See? Still moving.
0:01:38 > 0:01:44- So that's fresh milk?- Technically speaking, it's fresh yoghurt now.
0:01:44 > 0:01:50- Is it safe?- All the best yoghurt's got active bacteria in it. Look.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58There. I've never felt healthier in my life.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Eeeeurgh!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Chef? Chef?!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06We'll have to close the kitchen! What'll we do?!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Must...eat...own...foot.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21You can't eat me! Why not, Charlie Chimp? I need more salt.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23He needs more salt! ..Aaah!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Just look at them. Useless.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31And this is only after 20 minutes without food. Imagine lunchtime!
0:02:31 > 0:02:36They'll have to tighten their belts. Chef's in hospital for a week.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39A week?! What about the acts?
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Derek Masters, the escapologist, he's on today's freedom show.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50His stomach's in knots! Then there's the Russian foot jugglers.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- Julie Markov is meant to be light. - There is a limit.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Ole, the Mexican guitar trio, will sound awful if they don't get fish.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Why's that? - Because they're out of tuna!
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- No, we have to tell the Governor. - I hoped he might not notice.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Time for his cheeseburger. He'll be livid.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18- I'm livid!- Told you so. - This could be our biggest crisis!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What are we going to do?
0:03:20 > 0:03:24You need someone with nerves of steel to go in there.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28More than nerves of steel. Someone with courage,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32with determination and, above all else, a spatula.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Only one name springs to mind - mine.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- You, sir?- I've always been interested in cookery.- Really?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Ever since I was a boy I've had a way with food.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49# Food! Fabulous food! Beautiful food!
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# Glorious food! #
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Cake...!
0:03:56 > 0:04:01- Uncle?- Now where's my pinny? It's a family heirloom.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Who's the chef? I'm the chef!
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- Grub up, everybody! The Governor's cooking up a storm!- Five minutes.
0:04:11 > 0:04:17You, take a leek. You, scramble those potatoes. You, mash the eggs.
0:04:17 > 0:04:22No, mash the potatoes and scramble the eggs! Am I talking to myself?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Stews, 22. Soups, 15. Hamburgers, 10. For the eating of, sir!
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- Is that everyone?- No, that's just Ten Ton Tony, sir.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Charlie Chuckles wants something that tastes funny
0:04:35 > 0:04:39and Jimmy the Fire Eater wants petrol and a box of matches.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44You heard the man! Jump to it! Who's the chef? I'm the chef!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- It's everything I dreamed of. - Really?- All going like clockwork!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52- Aaaaiee! - Yes, I'd like to see this clock.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57I've even had tome to make fairy cakes for the audience to have.
0:04:57 > 0:05:03- No one goes hungry today! - Can we go any faster, Uncle?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05No problem.
0:05:05 > 0:05:11My only regret is not being able to see my diners' happy, smiling faces.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15How's your curry?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Oh... Eurgh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh(!)
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Problem?- That last chef was bad, but this is just wrong.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Curried prawn ravioli with pickled onions and tripe?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- If you don't want it...- What?! - This is great! The pate is superb!
0:05:37 > 0:05:42- It stinks and it's crunchy. - Enjoying the food?- No!
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- Whose idea was this filthy slop?! - The Governor's.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I'll pass on your comments.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Oh, it's lovely, exciting, a bold combination of flavours.
0:05:53 > 0:05:58I'll get him to give you a second helping.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Mm, lovely. The audience will enjoy these. 'Ere, try one.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Don't speak. Your face says it all. The audience will love them.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- It's almost show time now. - Oh! Grease my bun trays!
0:06:12 > 0:06:17- I forgot the prisoners' puds! You take over!- What?!
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- Nephew, it's time for you to pick up the family pinny.- I can't cook!
0:06:22 > 0:06:28Nonsense. You'll be fine. My granny was famous for her custard surprise.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33- I've got her secret recipe. - What's the surprise?- Weedkiller!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Now it's all perfectly simple.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40As long as the yellow light flashes, put the egg whites in the blue pan
0:06:40 > 0:06:46- and when the green light flashes... - Yes?- Dive for cover!
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- What?!- It's all written down. Just follow the recipe.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- You'll be as great as me. Jump to it!- But you're the chef!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58No, you're the chef! I'm the Guv'nor! How do I look?
0:06:58 > 0:07:03- Good.- Thank you. In that case, it's show time!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer!
0:07:07 > 0:07:11'You decide which prisoner will be released!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13'Now please welcome your host.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17'He's every entertainer's mate with a mission to incarcerate.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20'It's the Guv'nor!'
0:07:34 > 0:07:40- Who's the Guv'nor? - ALL: You're the Guv'nor!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44We've got some great performing prisoners for you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- You will decide who will go free. Are you all feeling good?- YES!
0:07:49 > 0:07:55We've got some marvellous acts, all here for doing naughty things.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Derek Masters, an escapologist. Let's have an oooh.- Oooh!
0:08:00 > 0:08:07- The Aleshin Group, who juggle with their feet!- Oooh!
0:08:07 > 0:08:12- And a wonderful high-flying act called Julie!- Oooh!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Now let's get on with it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:20You will decide who takes the walk of freedom. These are marvellous.
0:08:20 > 0:08:25Jailers and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Ole!
0:08:33 > 0:08:36SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ole!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03THEY HUM THE TUNE "Apache"
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- Ole! - AUDIENCE: Ole!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Yah!
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Yah!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Hey!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Ole!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Oh, yes! Brilliant! Well done!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Give them a big round of applause! A big hand now!
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Marvellous. Oh, dear. What a wonderful performance.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Don't put ping pong balls in your mouth. I only put pork pies in.
0:11:10 > 0:11:16It doesn't matter about me. What matters is what YOU thought of Ole.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Are they skilled musicians?- Yeah.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Would they get a job at the London Philharmonic Orchestra?- Maybe.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Do you know what that is?- No! - It's a very big band.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- You, Miss. Your thoughts? - I thought it was very amusing.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37And entertaining to watch. I liked the ping pong balls.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Right. You just kicked me! What are you kicking me for?!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45I'm only doing my job, Miss. Blimey!
0:11:45 > 0:11:50- Did you enjoy Ole? Shout ole!- Ole!- That's very good.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- What did you think of their act? - Really good!
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Amazing how they fitted all those ping pong balls in.- And you, Sir?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Sum that act up in one word. - Skilful.- Skilful, sir!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We've got an extra surprise for you. I've been doing some cookery.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12Never trust a thin chef. I've got my lovely fairy cakes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Who's like one of these? Go on.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Oh, you're very polite. Go on, have a cake.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24Do you want one as well? You take a cake there.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Have a good bite in there.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Pass them down the line. There we go.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Enjoying them?
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Marvellous. On to our next performing prisoner.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43And what a performance we've got for you now.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47The wonderful, wonderful skills of Derek Masters!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:14:15 > 0:14:18CHEERING
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Give him a big hand! Come on!
0:14:22 > 0:14:27Wow! Derek Masters! Oh, he's escaped again!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Get him back! Give him a big hand, boys and girls!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37Make sure! How are we going to keep him in a cell? I don't know.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41There's no escaping your opinions with Mr Burgess.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Should we let him go?- Yes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50- He can come and go whenever he pleases. Miss?- Really good.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Any ways to improve that act?
0:14:53 > 0:15:00It could have been in a steel cage thing up there or something.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Some people are hard to please!
0:15:02 > 0:15:08- We could have had piranhas underneath and set fire to it!- Yeah!
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You're weird as well!
0:15:10 > 0:15:15- Sir?- It was spectacular. I don't know how he does it.
0:15:15 > 0:15:21- Could you sum that act up for us in one word, Sir?- Great.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26- Great.- Marvellous. Derek Masters. Wonderful.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31I just hope it's going as well with the custard surprise.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I'm sure he'll be fine.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Anyway, on now to our next performing prisoners.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43Will they walk free tonight? Only you can decide. It's up to you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47They're a family act and they're foot jugglers.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52Please give, convict connoisseurs, a huge ovation
0:15:52 > 0:15:54to Aleshin Group!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56CHEERING
0:16:36 > 0:16:38CHEERING
0:18:04 > 0:18:07TECHNO MUSIC
0:19:06 > 0:19:12Oh, marvellous! Let's hear it for them, please - Aleshin Group!
0:19:14 > 0:19:20The cabin crew on these cut-price airlines have to do anything!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Marvellous, weren't they? Mr Burgess?
0:19:23 > 0:19:29- What about you, Sir? - It was a head-spinning aftertaste.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33A head-spinning aftertaste? What on earth do you mean?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36It was amazing.
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Well, that's quite a comment, Sir. Did you think that, Miss?
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- No.- You didn't think it was a head-spinning aftertaste?- No.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- What did you think?- I thought they were going to fall, but they didn't.
0:19:51 > 0:19:57- It was quite scary.- Are they getting your vote today?- Probably, yeah.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02- We still have one act left to see. - Were you impressed?- Very.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07- I thought their costumes were good, too.- They looked good.- Yeah.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Flying helmets and everything.- Yeah.
0:20:10 > 0:20:16- Sir, sum that act up for me in one word.- Em...fantabiastic!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Fantabiastic, Sir!
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Now on to our final performing prisoner here on the Slammer.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- You decide who takes the walk... - CRASH
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Sorry about that. He's having a bit of trouble in the kitchen.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40Steady, lad! As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45on to our final performing prisoner, then you decide who goes free.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Shout out the name of your favourite act so far. Shout it out!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52ALL SHOUT
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Don't make your minds up just yet.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Make some noise, please, for the wonderful Julie!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01CHEERING
0:23:19 > 0:23:21CHEERING
0:23:24 > 0:23:30Let's hear it, ladies and gentlemen, for Julie! Come on!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Sensational.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37No hanging about with that act, but will Julie be going free?
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Let's have a few final words from the gang.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45- Did you like her?- Yes. - Why?- Cos she was fab!
0:23:45 > 0:23:50- Cos she was fab?- Yeah. - You're just giggling.- Yeah.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- Would you like to add something? - Em...
0:23:54 > 0:23:59She was good, but not as much as the juggling feet people.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04She was really flexible, I really liked her.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Like the curtains?- Yeah.- Lovely.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- Did you like Julie?- She was great. - What was the best bit?
0:24:12 > 0:24:17She was just so high up. It made me dizzy watching. She was so flexible.
0:24:17 > 0:24:23- Could you sum that act up in one word?- Extraordinary.- Extraordinary!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26ALARM BELLS RING
0:24:26 > 0:24:30# Glorious food! #
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Four cracking convicted convict acts and only one going free.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Let's welcome them all back! Here they come - Ole!
0:24:39 > 0:24:45Derek Masters! Aleshin Group! And Julie!
0:24:45 > 0:24:51Yes. So many performing prisoners and only one act can go free.
0:24:51 > 0:24:56Who will it be? You are going to decide with the clapometer!
0:24:56 > 0:25:01It takes your applause and cheers and turns them into points.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06The act with the highest score goes free! The first act was amazing.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Let's hear your applause for Ole!
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Ole! Let's have a look there. A ping-ponging score.
0:25:23 > 0:25:2883.4. Very good indeed. Is that enough to set them free?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Let's see as we move on to an amazing act.
0:25:32 > 0:25:38You all held your breath. Wonderful escapology - Derek Masters!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Wow! A great score there. 85.1.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Just in the lead is Derek Masters. He'll swing over the wall!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56The next group came all the way from Russia.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Give your applause for Aleshin Group!
0:26:07 > 0:26:12Wow! A wall of noise. They're in the lead with 92.5!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Very good.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18One young lady now who soared to the heights.
0:26:18 > 0:26:24Let's hear your noise, please, recidivist receptionists, for Julie!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Oh, a great score for Julie! 89.6 - not quite enough.
0:26:35 > 0:26:40Great scores for everybody. Going free is Aleshin Group!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Set them free! You can go!
0:26:43 > 0:26:48Go on! Give them a big round of applause! Give them a big hand!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The rest of you, back to your cells.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Muchas gracias! Give them all a big cheer.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59There they go. It's wonderful.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04A big round of applause to everybody on the Slammer.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08If the audience don't yell, you're back in the cell!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11See you soon! Bye bye, everybody!
0:27:28 > 0:27:32Looks like normal custard. Where's the surprise?
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Give it a moment. Let it brew.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Surprise!