0:00:05 > 0:00:10Behind the doors is the man with the most dangerous act in show business.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14I should know. I was around the first time for Peter Andre.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- What's his mask for, sir? Eczema? - No, for protection.
0:00:22 > 0:00:27To stop him joking. That, gentlemen, is Jake LePlant,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30the man with the deadliest jokes in show business.
0:00:30 > 0:00:36Have you got a yoga mat? Looks like I'm in for a long stretch.
0:00:47 > 0:00:52# You've been found guilty of a show biz crime
0:00:52 > 0:00:53# So, welcome to The Slammer
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# Where you're gonna serve your time with every type of minstrel
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Entertainer and artiste
0:01:01 > 0:01:03# Performing to the limit
0:01:03 > 0:01:05# To try and get released
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# Go fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# And go and show off your act
0:01:11 > 0:01:14# With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- # Leave The Slammer - # It's the only way
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# You'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:01:28 > 0:01:30You're dangerous.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34HE SALIVATES LIKE HANNIBAL LECTOR, THEN SPITS
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I've never been a fan of chocolate limes. Don't worry.
0:01:37 > 0:01:43In this jacket, I'm completely 'armless. 'Armless - get it?!
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Your jokes can render men useless.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- Looks like my work here's done, then. - Stop it!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Stop it! Listen. The rule is no jokes, OK?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Does that include his moustache?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57This is more difficult than I thought.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01I want Jake watched. Today is freedom show day.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02I have some great acts.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- Black Eagles... - # I've got soul... #
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- ..Duo Magic... - SALSA MUSIC
0:02:09 > 0:02:11..Tamara Puzanova...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13and Pupski.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17If this man goes near them, he could sabotage the show.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I want him kept in his cell. It's a tough job.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24- I want my best wardens on it. - They're sick. It's just these two.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28- THEY ALL LAUGH - Get him out of here!
0:02:30 > 0:02:31HE SIGHS
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Pete, I can't believe it. I've done 23 sighs today.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39< So the policeman says to the king,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41< "Because your prince was all over it."
0:02:41 > 0:02:46- Have you seen my stereo batteries? - Sh! New neighbour. Jake LePlant.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48He was on Crimewatch.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- AS PUPPET:- Oh! He's been on TV! Poo-po-poom!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54He's dangerous. They should throw away the key.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57You can't speak to him. Promise me that?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- Er, all right, I promise. - AS PUPPET:- I don't promise!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03HE PUTS ON MUFFLED VOICE AS PUPPET
0:03:05 > 0:03:07- Mr Gimbert?- Yes.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09- Can I ask you a question?- Yes.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11How do you kill a circus?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13I don't know. How?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Go for the juggler!
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Shut up!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Got my eyes on you, LePlant. No more jokes.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Sorry, Mr Burgess.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26I forgot.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- I'll just go back to reading my paper.- Yes.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Ah!
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I see that detective's solved the case of the killer walnut.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Took him ten years to crack it!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- Ten years to crack it! - Now, all right, LePlant.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49You may have got him, but he's as useful as chocolate toilet paper.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51But you won't get me, lad.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I haven't laughed since I ran over that pigeon.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Sorry, Mr Burgess.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- No more jokes. - No more jokes.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- But can I ask you a question? - Very well.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Why did the baker have brown fingers?
0:04:08 > 0:04:12I don't know. Why did the baker 'ave brown fingers?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Because he kneaded a pooh.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19HE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
0:04:19 > 0:04:22MR BURGESS SHRIEKS WITH LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Seriously, he's really dangerous.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER FROM NEXT CELL
0:04:31 > 0:04:33All right, chaps. The name's Jake.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37- We know. We're not talking to you. - Oh, really?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39That's a shame. Just wanted a little chat.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- So you won't wanna know what happened to Mr Burgess.- What happened?
0:04:46 > 0:04:51OK! He went into this cell with two colour-blind lobsters...
0:04:51 > 0:04:53LAUGHTER ECHOES ALL AROUND
0:04:53 > 0:04:58This is unbelievable, but don't worry. I can deal with LePlant.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01You've got a brave man to capture the criminal?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Risk your own life and save The Slammer?- Yes.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- < SHRIEKING LAUGHTER - I'm not gonna do it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12So, the giraffe says, "Stop! I've had it up to here!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- I said not to talk to him. - I'm sorry, Melvin.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- AS PUPPET:- I'm sorry too! He he!
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Pete, Melvin, you've been a great audience. And that ties things up.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- Remember the show biz rule.- Don't work with animals or Shayne Ward.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34No. Escape the prison via the freedom show.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36So, you're gonna wait for the show,
0:05:36 > 0:05:40take out the last guard, and escape incognito?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42No. In a taxi - it's cheaper.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I'd love to stay here and torture you with my jokes,
0:05:48 > 0:05:53but instead, I'll leave you with my best material.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Jake LePlant live, available from all good retailers.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Enjoy.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03At least you'll die laughing.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09CD: 'So, I said to the cashier, "Can I have £2?"'
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- You've been a good friend, Pete. - COMEDY CD CONTINUES
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Melv, I've got one last thing to confess.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18CD: 'It's a currant account!'
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- I- borrowed the batteries in your CD player.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24COMEDY CD FINISHES
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- Right.- AS PUPPET:- Argh!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Come on! Oh!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35So...no problems with Jake LePlant, then?
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Absolutely not, sir. He's locked in his cell and he didn't overpower us.
0:06:40 > 0:06:46No. He's definitely not at large threatening everyone's...lives.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Good.- LePlant's threatening everyone's lives!
0:06:49 > 0:06:54- What?!- Ah. Er, that LePlant, sir. Yes, he is, sir. Sorry, sir.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I'll deal with you later! Summon the guard! He can't be far.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- I want him bound and gagged. - Ha ha! Gagged. Very good.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Never mind that, Frank. SIREN WAILS
0:07:04 > 0:07:06How do I look? ALL: Divine.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Thank you. In that case... SIREN CONTINUES
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It's...show time!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16COCKEREL CROWS, BUZZER DINGS, SIREN WAILS
0:07:16 > 0:07:19'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HM Slammer,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23'where you decide which prisoner is released.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- 'Now, please welcome your host...' - HE LAUGHS
0:07:26 > 0:07:28HE CONTINUES TO LAUGH
0:07:31 > 0:07:33LAUGHTER TURNS INTO CLUCKING
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- HE CLEARS HIS THROAT - 'Sorry. It's...the Governor!'
0:07:39 > 0:07:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Who's the Governor?! AUDIENCE: You're the Governor!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Hello! We have some great performing prisoners.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05First, we've got a magical mystical act
0:08:05 > 0:08:08called Duo Magic. Whoo!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:08:09 > 0:08:14We've got a lovely act called Pupski. AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18And a set of performing prisoners, The Black Eagles.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Are you ready for our first performing prisoners?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26MUFFLED CHEERING, GOVERNOR TALKS
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- JAKE:- 'Cor! Look at the size of that audience.'
0:08:32 > 0:08:33CHEERING
0:08:33 > 0:08:36This lady's marvellous... Hey! Whoa! Hey!
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Give it here, you. Hey! Hello, boys and girls!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43How do prisoners call each other?
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- They use cell phones! - LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Why doesn't Cinderella like football?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51She ran away from the ball!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It's Jake LePlant, Mr Burgess.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Don't worry, boys and girls, he's locked up.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Oh!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Ready for your first performing prisoner?- Yeah!
0:09:05 > 0:09:10Jailors and jailbirds, please welcome the wonderful Tamara Puzanova!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:18 > 0:09:21UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC
0:09:49 > 0:09:51APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:09:59APPLAUSE
0:10:12 > 0:10:16CARIBBEAN-STYLE MUSIC
0:10:50 > 0:10:53DRUM ROLL
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Oh! Whoa-hey!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Ho ho ho! Marvellous.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Ooh, it's exciting, eh?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Tamara Puzanova! Wasn't that wonderful, yes?
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- But will she be juggling her way to freedom?- Will she walk free?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21- Yes.- Why?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Because...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Don't take too long to think about it, miss.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31- Cos I like her act.- You like her. Why? What made it so good?
0:11:31 > 0:11:36The...balls...when she went...erm... up to the top.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Just tell us what you've written about Tamara.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- Bit of a show-off... - LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:44..talented...bad hairdo...
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- LAUGHTER - ..er...brilliant.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- What did you write about her? - Brilliant. Fabulous. Talented.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53- So, is she going free? - Yeah.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56One final word to sum that act up. Miss?
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Fantastic-o. - Fantastic-o, sir!
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Performing prisoner applauders, will you give your vote to Tamara?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06We'll find out later on.
0:12:06 > 0:12:12LePlant...don't think you're going to get away with this.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Why would I want to get away with that?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Next!
0:12:20 > 0:12:21Calendars.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24They're looking a bit dated, aren't they?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32It's a marvellous magic act, serving six years in Forsyth Wing,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35for making a Chuckle Brother disappear.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40Will you please make some noise for Duo Magic?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42CHEERING
0:12:53 > 0:13:01# Into the night
0:13:01 > 0:13:04# Shadows fall
0:13:04 > 0:13:09# I cry out
0:13:09 > 0:13:14# For you-ou-ou
0:13:14 > 0:13:18# Night so dark
0:13:18 > 0:13:23# Where are you?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27# Come back in my... #
0:14:19 > 0:14:21SULTRY JAZZ SAXOPHONE
0:15:00 > 0:15:03AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:12AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14APPLAUSE
0:15:24 > 0:15:30# We could find out we're all alone in the dream of the night. #
0:15:35 > 0:15:38DRAMATIC ELECTRIC GUITAR
0:15:56 > 0:15:58APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:10CHEERING
0:16:14 > 0:16:15CHEERING
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Duo Magic, wow!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25What an incredible performance.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29But what did you think of the wonderful magic act?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Magic. Was it?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36- Well, it was all good and...- I feel there's a but coming here, sir.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I don't think that was actually real.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- You don't think it was real?- No. - You don't believe in magic?- Yes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- You believe in the tooth fairy?- No. - Angels?- No.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- You don't believe in much.- No.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- What do you say?- It was really good. - Yes?- Yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- What was your favourite part? - All of it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Did you like them?- Yes. - Why?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05- Because erm...they... - Come on, come on!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I haven't got all day.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I like magic, and I think they were fabulous.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- What did you think of Duo Magic?- In one word, magic-llious phantomonous.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- Magically phantomonous? - No, magic-llious phantomonous.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24- Magic-llious?- Yes, phantomonous. - And a final word
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- on that act - miss? - Fabulous.- Fabulous, sir!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Duo Magic. You like, you like, yeah?!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36Where do you weigh a whale? The whale-weigh station!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42DRUM ROLL
0:17:47 > 0:17:49GUARD LAUGHS
0:17:56 > 0:18:02Jailors and jailbirds, show your appreciation for Pupski! Woof woof!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:12CIRCUS MUSIC WITH A LATIN BEAT
0:18:21 > 0:18:22APPLAUSE
0:18:31 > 0:18:33HE PRETENDS TO COCK GUN AND FIRE IT
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:52APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:41CHEERING
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Give Pupski a big hand, jailors and jailbirds.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Let's "paws" for thought with Mr Burgess.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I thought it was absolutely brilliant.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- Was it the best act you've seen? - Yes.- Why?- Just because...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Because it had a little doggie in?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33I like the bit where they did the handstand.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- The handstand?- Yeah.
0:20:35 > 0:20:40- Do you think he was cute, miss?- Yes. - Would you like to take it home?- Yes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- Give it a good 'ome?- Yes. - Pat it and love it?- Yes.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Was it Pupski or Poopski?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Pupski.- Yeah?- Yeah. - What did you think of the act?
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- I think it was...paw-tastic. - Paw-tastic? Ooh! Not poor?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- Good, but "paw" as in "paw"? - Yeah.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04- As in a paw, not poor.- A dog paw. - A dog paw?- Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07What did you think of Pupski?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11What a dog! He should sign up for the gymnastic Olympic team.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- He'd get gold.- But wouldn't they spot he's a dog?- Yeah, but who cares?
0:21:16 > 0:21:17I quite agree.
0:21:17 > 0:21:22- What did you think of that in one word, sir?- It was woof-tastic.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26- Woof-tastic, sir. - Ooh! It's getting exciting now.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Just one more performing prisoner act.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Just one more guard to go.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Why do you invite mushrooms to parties?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Well, they're fun guys to be around.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Fungis! Mushrooms!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Come on! You must get one of my jokes.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45GUARD SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Please show your appreciation for the wonderful Black Eagles!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55CHEERING
0:22:02 > 0:22:04RHYTHMIC UPBEAT MUSIC
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh
0:22:25 > 0:22:29# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh
0:22:29 > 0:22:31# Ooh-uh ooh-uh
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Ooh-uh ooh-uh ahh! #
0:22:33 > 0:22:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:20 > 0:23:21CHEERING
0:23:25 > 0:23:26- # C'est bon - Oui
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# C'est bon
0:23:28 > 0:23:29# That's good! Ca bouge
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- # Oui - Ca bouge
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- # Ca bouge - Oui
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# That's good... #
0:23:50 > 0:23:52CHEERING
0:24:12 > 0:24:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Come on, jailors and jailbirds, let's hear it for The Black Eagles!
0:24:37 > 0:24:42You need a good head for heights for that! What did you think, Mr Burgess?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Miss? - It was spectacular.
0:24:44 > 0:24:50- I wish I could do that.- Do you think they needed a lot of energy?- Yes.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- What about you, young lady?- It was fire-rific and they should go free.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- You wouldn't try it yourself, would you?- No!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Very wise. Over to you, Mr Burgess, for a last word.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06- Think of something without -tastic at the end.- Afrika Afrika.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Afrika Afrika, sir!
0:25:07 > 0:25:12Four sensational performing acts, but only one can go free.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Who will it be? Let's welcome them back. All the acts!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17CHEERING
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Tamara Puzanova! Duo Magic!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Pupski! And The Black Eagles!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23CHEERING
0:25:24 > 0:25:28You will decide now who takes that walk of freedom.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33Please show your appreciation for the first performing prisoner,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Tamara Puzanova! CHEERING
0:25:41 > 0:25:43A great score, there.
0:25:43 > 0:25:4773.6 for Tamara on the Clap-O-Meter. Marvellous!
0:25:47 > 0:25:52Will you be shouting "abracadabra"? Let's hear it for Duo Magic!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LOUD CHEERING
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Wow! A great score. 92.3 puts them in the lead!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Yes! Yes, yes. Right...on to our next double act,
0:26:07 > 0:26:12a unique double act, because it was half human, half canine.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Will they be going free?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Please whoop it up for Pupski!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18LOUD CHEERING
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Sensational! Let's see the scores. Duo Magic still first.
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Let's see what happens now. Only one more performer can beat that score
0:26:31 > 0:26:35of 92.3. Will it be...The Black Eagles?!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38LOUD CHEERING
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Oh! Fantastic!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50There we are, The Black Eagles. Let's look.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Yes, it just does. What a sensational score.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56They've pipped them at the post
0:26:56 > 0:26:59in 92.8, going free! It's The Black Eagles!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Take them away to freedom!
0:27:02 > 0:27:07The rest of you, great performances! But it's time for...what is it?
0:27:07 > 0:27:11- Sloppy-ploppy porridge! - Sloppy-ploppy porridge!
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Give 'em a big cheer, jailors and jailbirds! Brilliant!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Join us again soon for some more mayhem and magic in The Slammer.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29AUDIENCE: Don't do the crime!
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Bye, everybody. Bye-bye!
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:35 > 0:27:38E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- MAN:- So, 12 new charges of grievous comedy harm.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- And the defendant's name? - Jake LePlant.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46And how do you plead?
0:27:46 > 0:27:51Like this. I'm Jake LePlant. Please don't put me in prison again.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER Please let me go, people.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55LAUGHTER