0:00:02 > 0:00:03"Mum, thanks for the pickaxe,
0:00:03 > 0:00:06"the change of clothes, the passport and the plane ticket.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09"I've fashioned them together into a beautiful lamp.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13"What a show we have this week!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20"Although I've never seen the Governor so upset.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23"It all started as he was rehearsing for this week's show."
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're going to serve your time
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# With every type of minstrel entertainer
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# We're going to the limit to try and get released
0:00:45 > 0:00:50# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# And polish off your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:54 > 0:00:58# Your fate is in their hands, so welcome to the glamour
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:01:01 > 0:01:07# The Slammer, it's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Come on. I go, "Who's the Governor?"
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- You're the Governor. - And then I say, "Boys and girls,
0:01:13 > 0:01:15"some of the acts have been here so long,
0:01:15 > 0:01:20"they make Girls Aloud look like some kind of equal-rights legislation!"
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I'm not sure I get that, sir.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Girls Aloud, as in "not allowed".
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You know, equal rights for women.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- I see, sir.- What time's lunch? - Forget it.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Try this. "Who's The Governor?" - You're The Governor.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And I go, "You're not going to
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"believe some of the acts we've got tonight.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41"They make Harry Hill look like Harry Slight Incline!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Very witty, sir.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Is that paint yellow or beige?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49This is a disaster. The audience on their way in...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Mr Burgess?- Sir?- I'm going to
0:01:51 > 0:01:55ask you a question and I want you to give me an honest answer.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- I want you to be frank, Frank. - Yes, sir.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Am I still funny?
0:02:03 > 0:02:04PHONE RINGS
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Phone, sir.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Governor speaking. The dentist?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Oh, yeah, we'll be there right away. Yeah.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14So, what's your answer...?
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Mr Burgess?
0:02:17 > 0:02:22Right, then, you lot. The Freedom Show isn't displaying enough eyes and teeth.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25So, Dr Wentworth here will be ensuring that you all produce
0:02:25 > 0:02:28the requisite showbiz sparkle by giving you a polish.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Isn't that right, Dr Wentworth?!
0:02:30 > 0:02:34THEY LAUGH
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yes, absolutely.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Sorry, sorry.- Yes, quite.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Now, are all the acts here for this week's Freedom Show? Petit Mal?- Yes.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Chris Lynam?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Emily Crow?- Here.- Lovely.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- And the Doktorovs?- Here.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Right, over to you for a quick polish, sir!
0:02:52 > 0:02:58OK. Yes, erm, could you come and, erm, come and sit on the, erm...?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Er, the, erm... The, erm...
0:03:01 > 0:03:02I think you'll find it's a chair, sir.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yes, yes, that's it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Sorry. I've never worked in a prison before.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10These are showbiz criminals, sir.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- There's absolutely nothing to worry about.- Right. OK.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19THEY LAUGH
0:03:19 > 0:03:21It's all right. I'm fine, honestly.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26I just need the... Oh! Oh!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Hey, what's happening?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32I haven't heard this much laughter since Barry Chuckle got that job
0:03:32 > 0:03:34in a china factory!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36SILENCE
0:03:36 > 0:03:38I must remember to cut my nails this week.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41That's it. I knew it! I've lost it!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44I'm not funny anymore!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49THEY LAUGH
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Governor, sir, are you OK?
0:03:59 > 0:04:01No, I'm not OK, Pete.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05What sort of Governor am I if I can't even raise a titter?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I used to have funny bones.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Now I've just got bones. Somewhere.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Oh, it's not that bad.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Look at me. I've never been funny.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17There's nothing remotely entertaining or amusing about my act. Look.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Now, then, Mr Squiggles, time for a song. "No."
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Well, all the boys and girls want to hear you sing. "I can't."
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Oh, why not? "Because I've been diagnosed with
0:04:26 > 0:04:30"vocal fold nodules, a condition where a mass of tissue grows at the
0:04:30 > 0:04:36"back of the mouth, making speech and swallowing painful."
0:04:36 > 0:04:38That meant to reassure me?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Ho, ho, sir, you've got to come and see this dentist.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Honestly, sir, it's the funniest act I've seen in years.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I mean, the lad is a natural.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Everything he does is just hilarious.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Right, that's it! I've had enough! You, come with me.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00- Get in there.- Ah, what about the inmates' teeth, sir?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03What about their showbiz sparkle?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05If I can't get laughs,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07then no two-bit dentist's going to get them.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11So take your mirrors and your little pointy bits and your nutcrackers
0:05:11 > 0:05:13and your laughing gas...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Hang on a minute. Your laughing gas.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Ooh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22So I said to my doctor, if that's cream cheese,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24what's that under my armpits?!
0:05:26 > 0:05:27THEY LAUGH
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Thank you, thank you, you're too kind.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck in his ear?- I don't know.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Warren.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36SILENCE
0:05:37 > 0:05:39THEY LAUGH
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Thank you, thank you. So, how do I look?- Divine, sir.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44It's show time.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
0:05:49 > 0:05:54to HMP Slammer, where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Now, please welcome your host.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01He was a comedy master, today he's a...laughter disaster.
0:06:01 > 0:06:02It's the Governor!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- Who's the Governor? - You're the Governor!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Oh, jailers and jailbirds,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26great to see you. What a week we've had.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28My eyes have been going funny. I went to see
0:06:28 > 0:06:31my optician and he said, "Had your eyes checked?"
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I said, "No, they've always been blue!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:35SILENCE
0:06:36 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:43We've got some fantastic performing prisoners on the Freedom Show.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46We've got a hair-raisingly funny guy called Chris Lynam.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48ALL: Ooo!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51We've got a very athletic and gymnastic young lady, only 12 years
0:06:51 > 0:06:56- of age, called Emily Crow. - ALL: Oooo!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And we've got the aerial aces that we call the Doktorovs.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01ALL: Oooo!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03But now, criminal critiques, let's start
0:07:03 > 0:07:05the show with a really lively act.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09They're marvellous, they do things with big, blue bouncy balls.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- They are Petit Mal! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:18 > 0:07:19MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:27 > 0:09:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Hey, that's good.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You forgot your ball. Hey, hey!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37They were good. We should have them in
0:09:37 > 0:09:39the Slammer football team. We've got a team.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41We play all our games at home.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44We did play away, but nobody came back.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45SILENCE
0:09:47 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52But what did you think of them? Over to you, Mr Burgess.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Right, Petit Mal, there.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Ball-bouncingly good, miss?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Amazingly skilled.- Yes?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I'd say it's star quality.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Star quality?- Yes.- All right, I see.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Well, did Petit Mal do enough to go free from The Slammer?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09That was so cool, because I could
0:10:09 > 0:10:11never do that, and it looked so difficult.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I really loved that part when they rolled on two balls each and I liked
0:10:15 > 0:10:18it most because it was bouncy and I think it was fabulous.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- What about you? - Best act I've seen in my life.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Certainly got my vote.- The best act you've seen?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- How many acts have you seen in your life, miss?- 1,000.
0:10:26 > 0:10:271,000?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30You've seen 1,000 acts, miss?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- Well, tell me what you thought of Petit Mal.- I thought it was
0:10:34 > 0:10:38very good because I liked the amazing acrobatics and the flips.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I'd like somebody to sum that act up
0:10:40 > 0:10:44in one final word for me, and I'm going to this young lady here.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Phenomenal.- Phenomenal, sir.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Well, that's Petit Mal. They may be going free.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Three more freedom acts.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53The next gentleman is a comedian. Here's a bit of comedy for you.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Jailors and jailbirds, what's that?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57It's a dead one of them.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59SILENCE
0:11:01 > 0:11:02LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05A dead one of them. Good, that, isn't it, eh?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Right, on to some real comedy, a very funny guy, please welcome
0:11:08 > 0:11:10the hair-raising Chris Lynam!
0:11:10 > 0:11:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:18 > 0:11:22There I was, minding my own business one day, waiting for a bus.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27A bag floated down in front of me, beside me, behind me...
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Why?!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Suddenly, due to neglect, the bag bit me on the ankle.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36"Ouch," I screamed. I threw it to the ground and stamped on its head.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39It stamped on mine!
0:11:39 > 0:11:43You naughty, naughty bag! I was very angry.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44But the bag had a taste for blood.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48It bit me under the armpit. "Ouch," I screamed. I wrenched it out
0:11:48 > 0:11:52and it went straight towards an unsuspecting warden, who, when he
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- saw the bag coming towards him, screamed with fright.- Agh.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00- He screamed louder!- Agh!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03The bag attacked his hat and threw it out of The Slammer.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07And then...nearly attacked his clothes.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10I had the bag by the neck, boys and girls.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I bit it very hard.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16The bag knew it was in trouble. It screamed out for reinforcements.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"Gaga gaga gaga gaga gaga." Bag language.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I knew I could be in trouble.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I ripped the bag limb from limb, and sure enough, in the Freedom Show
0:12:24 > 0:12:28at The Slammer, the bag died. Ha!
0:12:28 > 0:12:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Then suddenly, on the horizon
0:12:34 > 0:12:38appeared reinforcements bigger and more dangerous than the bag before.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40The people screamed in terror.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43SCREAMING
0:12:43 > 0:12:45And then ran home.
0:12:46 > 0:12:53The bag started to attack people willy-nilly. First, another warden.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Boosh! It chased the warden around the house.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Right around the house. It attacked two wardens.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00This was a very naughty bag.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04I had it by the neck and I bit it very hard.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06And the bag bled.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Blood poured out the bag.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And the blood turned into art.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:29 > 0:13:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Yes, well, I don't think he'll be booked for the Royal Variety
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Performance, but did you enjoy him?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Let's go to Mr Burgess and see what he thinks.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- Chris Lynam, raving maniac or comedy genius?- Comedy genius.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Really, miss?- Yeah.- Why?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Because he's really crazy and sometimes he just does
0:13:55 > 0:13:57silly things for fun.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And how would you describe that act?
0:13:59 > 0:14:03- Um, weird, because his hair just was really wacky.- Right, miss?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I thought it was really hilarious.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- And really funny.- So you think he's done enough to be released back into
0:14:10 > 0:14:11the entertainment community, do you?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14- No.- No? Shut up!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16You think we should keep him in?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Yeah.- Did he make you laugh?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Yeah. Mostly. Mostly.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Um, my favourite part of it was probably
0:14:25 > 0:14:31where he tried to slide down the banister but he kind of tripped.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What about you, miss? One final word.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35- Electrical.- Electrical, sir!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Very good, miss!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Well, Chris Lynam could be going free. Who knows?
0:14:39 > 0:14:44It's time now for that special act called Solitary Confinement.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Solitary Confinement, where we give the chance for one performing
0:14:50 > 0:14:53prisoner, or a few of them, to come out here and see
0:14:53 > 0:14:55if they can earn something nice.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57The crimes they have done are so awful,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00but if they do well and get the thumbs up from you,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02they get something nice. They go to a nice cell.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05With a toilet that flushes!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Yes! But if they don't do well and get the thumbs down, they go
0:15:08 > 0:15:12back to their cell for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Today, sir, it's an hour in a vat
0:15:17 > 0:15:21- with a rat, a cat and Take That! - Ooh, fancy that!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25We need a judge. So, Mr Burgess, have you got somebody here?
0:15:25 > 0:15:26What about you, madam?
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Give her a round of applause, please. Up you come.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- Now, then. What's your name?- Elise.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Elise, it's time for today's
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Solitary Confinement act. Here we go!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Hello, giants and giantesses.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55My name is Michael Chinnigan,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Britain's second smallest singer, after James Blunt.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02I promised you all-round entertainment, and so I'm
0:16:02 > 0:16:04going to do an impression for you.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's a cat.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Seen from behind.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14It's time to finish with a song.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19This is a little song that I wrote all about myself. Cue the music!
0:16:21 > 0:16:26# It's a world of laughter, a world of fun
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# When you're just as high as a pixie's bum
0:16:30 > 0:16:34# When I fancy a drink, I go swimming in the sink
0:16:34 > 0:16:38It's a small world after all
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# It's a small world after all
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# All of you are far too tall
0:16:45 > 0:16:49# If you trip you've got further to fall
0:16:49 > 0:16:53# It's a small, small world. #
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Marvellous. Michael Chinnigan. Well, very unusual.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06It's up to Elise to decide. Thumbs up, and they're comfortably sat,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10thumbs down, and it's Take That
0:17:10 > 0:17:11and the rat.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You've got five seconds to decide.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Thumbs up? Or thumbs down? What's it going to be?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yes! Thumbs up!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Nice, comfy cell with a flushing toilet.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25There we are, give them a round of applause,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28and as well, to our special judge - didn't she do well?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Give her a round of applause! Marvellous!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Well, now it's time for our next performing prisoner.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Jailors and jailbirds, you know this performing prisoner, she's only 12.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Will you please welcome, from our Junior Section
0:17:43 > 0:17:48of The Slammer, and hoping to go free, it's Emily Crow!
0:17:48 > 0:17:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:52 > 0:17:56MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:32 > 0:19:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Emily Crow. Emily Crow, and she's just 12 years of age, 12 years.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Yeah. I've got string vests that are older than that.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47SILENCE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Well, did you think she did enough to go free?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Well, Emily Crow, in on remand.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02She's a good kid, keeps her nose clean. What was she like for you?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Best act so far.- You think she should go free right now?- Yes.- Yes?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Do you think you could do what Emily Crow does?- Never.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10No. Did you like her act?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Yeah, I'll give her my vote, definitely.- Yes? That's very kind.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Sir, what about a man's perspective on this?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Well, she was very stretchy
0:20:19 > 0:20:23and I liked it when she, like, was a crab, in a way.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Like, she went into a big arch and started walking around.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- I see. Would you like to see more acts that feature crabs?- Yeah.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Knock, knock...
0:20:32 > 0:20:34- Who's there?- Little old lady.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Little old lady who? - I didn't know you could yodel!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45And for one final word, to sum up, Emily Crow?
0:20:45 > 0:20:51- Flexalianterrasumous(?). - Flexalianterrasumous, sir!
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Mm. What a mouthful.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Onto our final performing prisoners.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Well, what an aerial, acrobatic team they make.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00We're so worried about them going over the wall,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02we've had to give them a chance at freedom.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Will you please welcome - all the way from Cell D, and Russia,
0:21:06 > 0:21:11- originally - it's The Doktorovs! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:40 > 0:21:44CHEERING
0:21:47 > 0:21:50CHEERING
0:22:24 > 0:22:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:49CHEERING
0:23:20 > 0:23:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:31The Doktorovs. Were they just what the doctor ordered?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Let's find out, with Mr Bergerov.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Well, Doktorovs, or Doctor No?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Erm, Doktorovs.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- They were really, really good. - How good?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Very. They've got my vote.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46What about this lady here?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48It was absolutely amazing.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52And it was superb and spectacular.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56- What about you, sir? - Absolutely flabbergasting.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Erm... Completely supreme, and they must be
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- really trusting to each other. - Did you like The Doktorovs?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Yes, very much.- Describe their act.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Well, I thought it was really scary, because I thought they were
0:24:10 > 0:24:11going to fall, but they didn't.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14It was like they were connected, because they didn't fall at all.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Now, then, young sir. One final word.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Sum that act up for me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Spectactical.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25Spectactical? LAUGHTER
0:24:25 > 0:24:28It's a word, I suppose, sir. Spectactical, sir!
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Four fabulous performing prisoner acts all hoping to go free.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Only one of them can. Let's welcome them back onto the stage!
0:24:35 > 0:24:41Here they come. Petit Mal, Chris Lynam, Emily Crow and The Doktorovs!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Give them a big cheer!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45But only one act can go clear.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It will be decided by this.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Gimbert's patented clap-o-meter machine.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53The more noise you make, the more you clap and cheer,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55then the higher the score.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58The higher score, it's quite simple, a bit like Gimbert, goes free.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Who will it be? Well, the first act that you saw was very unusual.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Did they do enough? Let's hear it, please, for Petit Mal!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- CHEERING - Oh! Oh!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Wow! A good score from them. 84.5. That's a good benchmark.
0:25:16 > 0:25:22Let's see what happens as we welcome the comic zaniness of a unique act.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Did he do enough? You seemed to like him.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29- Please give it up for Chris Lynam! - CHEERING
0:25:30 > 0:25:35Oh! Oh! Oh, it's... I think...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- I want my mummy!- He wants his mummy.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41He's got Mr Burgess. He gets 84.5.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Wow, that's another close score.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Look at that. It's very, very close at the moment.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47In fact, I think it's almost level for Chris Lynam.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Well, the third act, she was only 12 years of age, all the way from
0:25:50 > 0:25:55the Highlands of Scotland. Will she be taking the highroad tonight?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Well, let's find out, as you show your appreciation,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00jailers and jailbirds, for Emily Crow!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02CHEERING
0:26:08 > 0:26:1291 points. She goes into the lead. Whoa! Yes!
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Well, there's only one more act now.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It's very tense. Yes. Could they do it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:20They came all the way from Moscow. Will they be saying "must go"?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- The Doktorovs! - CHEERING
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Not quite. 87.5. They didn't quite do it.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36That means with a score of 91, going free, it's Emily Crow!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38CHEERING
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Emily, you're free to go.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Well, jailers and jailbirds, I'm afraid for the rest of you,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46that means you're going back to your cells. But the good news is
0:26:46 > 0:26:49that you're in time for tea. Let's hope we've got something nice.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Mr Burgess, what's for tea tonight?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Chinese takeaway tonight, sir.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It's a 14, a 6 and a 27.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Ooh, what are they?- A sloppy, a ploppy and a porridge, sir.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Get out of it! Go on, take them back to their cells.- Right, you lot!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Give them a big cheer and a round of applause, boys and girls.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Off they go. Well, they're going to have their sloppy, ploppy porridge.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I hope you have something nice for tea, but remember here in
0:27:12 > 0:27:14the Slammer, one thing we say -
0:27:14 > 0:27:16if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Don't do the time!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Right, everybody, bye-bye!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38So, I says to Her Majesty, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"have eaten that cabbage!"
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Hang on a minute...
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57I haven't done it yet.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Oh, I just got it. Girls Aloud!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01- Frank.- Ha...