0:00:03 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39# Leave The Slammer.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Hello, jailers and jailbirds everywhere,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53welcome to a special episode of The Slammer, with me, the Governor.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Who's the Governor? - You're the Governor!- That's right.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59It's been a cracking year here in The Slammer,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01the showbiz crime rate's been soaring,
0:01:01 > 0:01:06we're packed with great performing prisoner acts, we're chock-a-block.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09We've prisoners in cells, we've got prisoners in hallways,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11we've got prisoners in cupboards,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15we put some of the prisoners in the outside loo. Phwoah!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18In fact, we're so full we've had to use my office
0:01:18 > 0:01:21to store the inmates' costumes. Just look at this place!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23These were used by Jukebox Juniors.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I mean, they won't need them in here again, will they?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30They put on such a great show we had to release them. Just look at this.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Jukebox Juniors there, weren't they brilliant?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Well, now they've been released
0:02:54 > 0:02:57we can donate their costumes to a worthwhile cause.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00St Bonzo's Home for Hopeless Entertainers.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03It's a marvellous place that does a lot of work
0:03:03 > 0:03:06for people and performers who've lost their razzmatazz.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I do a lot of volunteer work for them.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12In fact, they've even asked me to go and stay with them for a while.
0:03:12 > 0:03:17Ugh...anyway, here's three acts you'll never see in St Bonzo's -
0:03:17 > 0:03:22trio Mitchev Ring, Flaming Fun and Andrey Averyushkin.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Woo!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10CHEERING
0:04:22 > 0:04:23APPLAUSE
0:04:34 > 0:04:36CHEERING
0:05:02 > 0:05:04CHEERING
0:05:46 > 0:05:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:06:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:08 > 0:07:09CRASH!
0:07:09 > 0:07:10SMASH!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Andrey had a lot of juggling balls there, didn't he? Not the only one.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17But guess who has to pack 'em all away? Me.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I'd get Gimbert to do it, but get this,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21his mum won't let him come back to work
0:07:21 > 0:07:24until he's finished his tea. He's useless!
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Least your Governor, I'm always thinking, bring me own pack lunch.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Got me favourite sarnies somewhere 'ere. Ah, there it is.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Oh, dear - look at that. Never mind, I quite like a wrap. Hmm!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Here's someone else who likes a good rap - K-Slick,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41the baddest rapper in The Slammer. Enjoy.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Mm, nice!
0:07:43 > 0:07:46# Yo, it's K-Slick baddest man in The Slammer
0:07:46 > 0:07:49# My lyrics and my grammar hit harder than sledgehammers
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# That's why I'm here, man The law can't take this
0:07:52 > 0:07:55# Lock me up cos I'm so dangerous
0:07:55 > 0:07:56# I won't lie, listen I want truth
0:07:56 > 0:07:59# Who's the baddest man in The Slammer? #
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Not you!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Eh? What? Listen, I want truth...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- # Who's the baddest man in The Slammer? #- Not you!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07No, wait, you got it all wrong.
0:08:07 > 0:08:13Are you listening to the words of the song? Uh, what? Hey, don't take that.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15No, my mummy bought me that cap!
0:08:15 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Those are prescription shades!
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Now I gotta put on my old frames.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Careful of the jacket, it's my big brother's,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I've got to give it back to him. No!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Ohh...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Oh, what a disaster.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36This always happens when I try to act harder.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38OK, so, hey, I was lying.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41And my name's not K, it's Brian.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44But I could be released, if you like me.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Go back to my job at the library.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Putting books in alphabetical order, according to the names of the author.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54So, you going to like the other shows
0:08:54 > 0:08:56or am I the guy you're going to vote for?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Cos you've got to love me, you've got to!
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- So who's the baddest man in The Slammer?- Not you!
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Oh...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:07K-Slick there. Or Brian, as his mum knows him.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11All right, he may be a bit of a nerd, but he's a pretty mean rapper.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14In fact, I taught him everything he knows.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Oh, yeah, I've mashed up a few "well fat" beats in me time. Hit it!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20# I am the Governor and this is my manner
0:09:20 > 0:09:24# It is The Slammer I am bad, so is my grammar
0:09:24 > 0:09:26# Go to the O and O to the V with the... #
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Oh, forget it. All right, I didn't teach him everything that he knows,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I taught him everything that I know, which isn't much.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37But here's two acts that don't need any lessons from me or anyone else.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39The Gandini Jugglers, followed by Banquina!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:37CHEERING
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Right, well, those jugglers and tumblers won't be needing any
0:11:41 > 0:11:45of this stuff now that they've been released, and it's a good job too.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47There's plenty of depressed clowns
0:11:47 > 0:11:51in St Bonzo's Home for Hopeless Entertainers who need cheering up.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54You know, there's nothing worse than being stuck in a room
0:11:54 > 0:11:57full of ten upset clowns with their big clumpy boots
0:11:57 > 0:12:00stamping about all over the place. Gives me headache.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Hopefully these costumes might put a smile back on their faces.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Either that or they can watch these next acts that were so good
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Mr Burgess nearly cracked a smile.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Either that or his moustache was on upside down.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15Comedian Steve Best,
0:12:15 > 0:12:19the dancing talent of Emily Crow and the magic of Christian Lee.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:10Ewww!
0:13:18 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:18# Louder, louder
0:14:18 > 0:14:23# And you'll run for your life
0:14:23 > 0:14:30# I can hardly speak, I understand
0:14:30 > 0:14:35# Why you can't raise your voice to say
0:14:35 > 0:14:41# Ooh, oooooh, oooooh. #
0:14:49 > 0:14:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:02APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:17WHOOPING
0:15:28 > 0:15:32APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06AUDIENCE: Woah! Oh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Coming up next are some acts that were so good,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21the other inmates didn't want them to leave.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I calmed everyone down by learning their routines and performing them
0:16:25 > 0:16:27in front of the entire prison. It must have worked,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30because after just one show, everybody said they didn't want
0:16:30 > 0:16:35to see it any more. Hah! They must have been bowled over by my talents!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36Who am I kidding?!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I could never be as good as this lot! The amazing fire juggling
0:16:40 > 0:16:43of Germaine Delbosque, the technical wizardry
0:16:43 > 0:16:46of DJ Woody and the stunning illusions
0:16:46 > 0:16:50of Marc Oberon. Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:02 > 0:17:05CHEERING
0:17:13 > 0:17:15CHEERING
0:17:23 > 0:17:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:05 > 0:18:08RECORD SCRATCHES
0:18:10 > 0:18:13# DJ, DJ, DJ, DJ Woody
0:18:13 > 0:18:17# Scra-scra-scratching
0:18:18 > 0:18:22# Now it's time to hear what the audience thinks. #
0:18:22 > 0:18:23Wooh, wooh! R-r-r-r-ready.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Steady, steady.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Wo-wo-one, two, three. Let's go!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29RECORD SCRATCHES
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- A-a-a-a-a-amazing. - Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Fun, fun, funtastic. Funtastic. Funtastic.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40They seem to like it. Here's a word from Governor Ted.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Can you scratch two records instead?!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Eeee! That's clever!
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh-oooh! Isn't he good?!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Eeee! That's clever!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53- Oh-oooh! Isn't he good?! - RECORDS SCRATCH
0:18:56 > 0:18:57LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:18:59RECORDS SCRATCH REALLY QUICKLY
0:19:08 > 0:19:10MUSIC FADES OUT
0:19:10 > 0:19:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:21SPOOKY MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:34 > 0:19:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:53 > 0:19:55LASER BEAM BUZZES AND BEEPS
0:20:29 > 0:20:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- IN A DEEP VOICE:- Marc...Oberon...
0:20:39 > 0:20:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Oh, hello again. I can explain this. I tripped and I fell
0:20:52 > 0:20:55into a pile of costumes. Easily done, you know!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Hey, what about that Marc Oberon, eh? The way he floats
0:20:58 > 0:21:01about like that. How does he do it? Out of this world.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Speaking of out of this world, we had some genuine visitors from
0:21:04 > 0:21:09outer space recently. Yes, we had drama with laser swords and a robot
0:21:09 > 0:21:14that showered the Slammer in sparks, duelling sabres and glow bots.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17You watch them while I get out of this costume.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Ooh, ride up, these things.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:21:27 > 0:21:30STAR WARS THEME PLAYS
0:21:43 > 0:21:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:22AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:30ROBOT BUZZES AND BEEPS
0:22:30 > 0:22:33ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:55 > 0:22:59AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEER ALONG
0:23:15 > 0:23:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:41 > 0:23:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Well, all this packing is exhausting work.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52I think I've definitely earned a breather.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Mind you, I wish I was as sporty as these next acts.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57They're so super fit, they didn't need a break,
0:23:57 > 0:24:01despite all the skating, bouncing and jumping they got up to on stage.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04It's Team Extreme and Pro-Jump 101. Erm...
0:24:08 > 0:24:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:30 > 0:25:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:12 > 0:26:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Oh! Well, there must have been a showbiz crime wave lately,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43because the Slammer has been full to bursting
0:26:43 > 0:26:45with some great performing prisoner acts.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Fortunately, enough of them have earned an early release
0:26:47 > 0:26:50in the Freedom Show, so I can get rid of all of their costumes.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I'll be glad to have my office back.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Now, I'll just get that... Where are they?
0:26:55 > 0:26:59I'm stuck. Erm... Gimbert?!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Mr Burgess?! I can't get out!
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Ooh, heck! Perhaps I can get through this narrow gap here and squeeze...
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Ooh, no, I shouldn't have had that extra cupcake!
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Ooh, what am I going to do? Come on, breathe in, Guv!
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Breathe in! Aaarrrgh!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18CRASHING AND RIPPING
0:27:18 > 0:27:20SQUELCHING
0:27:20 > 0:27:22HE GROANS
0:27:26 > 0:27:30See you soon, jailers and jail birds. See you soon.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# Ooh, ooh
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# Aah, ahh
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #