0:00:02 > 0:00:04Dear Mum. Thanks for the Christmas present.
0:00:04 > 0:00:05I love the wrapping paper.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# I'm the Christmas rapper I'm the blingest paper
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Yuletide, yo, mamma Word! Respect, innit! #
0:00:11 > 0:00:14What the jingle bells is that?
0:00:14 > 0:00:15HE BURPS
0:00:15 > 0:00:17The Christmas Freedom Show was mad...
0:00:17 > 0:00:19CHEERING
0:00:19 > 0:00:22- ..totally Christmassyy... - CHEERING
0:00:22 > 0:00:25..and a starring role was played by your favourite son.
0:00:25 > 0:00:26Yes, that means me!
0:00:26 > 0:00:27LAUGHTER
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Let me tell you the story.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# So welcome to The Slammer, where you're going to spend your time
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# We're coming to the limit to try and get released
0:00:51 > 0:00:55# So go fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:00:55 > 0:01:00# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# Your fate is in their hands, so make your date with glamour
0:01:04 > 0:01:07# It's the only way you'll ever beat The Slammer
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# Beat the slammer
0:01:09 > 0:01:13# It's the only way you'll ever beat The Slammer. #
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Christmas eve! I'm so excited I could snog a satsuma. Oh!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22- Mwah! - Personally, I hate Christmas.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25But it's the season of goodwill. Peace and joy to all.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27That's why I hate it!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Oooh! Ebenezer Burgess.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33The Freedom Show starts soon. We've got some cracking acts
0:01:33 > 0:01:37and not a Christmas turkey amongst them. We've got the Big Bouncers.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Madeline, the Christmas fairy.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Potted panto.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- And... Oh!- New inmate, sir. This is world-famous panto dame, Lip Gloss.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52She got seven years for short-changing the seven dwarves.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh! One year for each dwarf!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56- Hello, boys and girls. - SHE SOBS
0:01:56 > 0:01:58ALL: Hello, Lip Gloss!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Everything OK? You seem unhappy.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- He has just been sent to prison, sir. - Oh, it's much worse than that!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- SHE SOBS - Thank you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- HE BLOWS HIS NOSE - I see.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11You see, Christmas is the only time of year
0:02:11 > 0:02:14that I get to do what I love in life.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15That's perform in panto.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19But I can't, cos I'm locked up in here!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21SHE WAILS
0:02:22 > 0:02:23Oh...
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- Stop taking the mickey. - SCREAMING
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I couldn't feel more depressed if I was sat on by an elephant.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35- When you put it like that, it is a bit sad.- I'm welling up.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Oh, no, it's just something in my eye.- This'll never do.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- There's only one thing for it. - Cancel Christmas?
0:02:42 > 0:02:47No. We'll turn the Freedom Show into a Freedom Panto!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50We've already got an audience coming.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54We'll perform a pantomime with the usual acts taking part.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I can't thank you enough!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01I feel a ridiculous costume change coming on.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06Hurry up, everyone, we've got a panto to prepare.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- Oh no, we haven't.- That's the spirit.- Oh yes...- Shut up!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Snow Babes and the Giant Magic Lamp Stalk?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I didn't have long to write it. My memory's not what it was.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Was when?- Can't remember.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26- I thought I was supposed to be Handsome Prince. - They only do make-up, not miracles.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- How do I look? - ALL: Ridiculous! - Thank you very much.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34In that case, it's panto time!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41welcome to HMP Slammer at Christmas!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Now please welcome your hosts, the original Cheeky Girls,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Tweedledum and Tweedledumber!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51CHEERING
0:04:03 > 0:04:05BOTH: Who's the pantomime dames?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09You are the pantomime dames!
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- Yes, I'm Tweedledum. - And I'm Tweedledumber.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16We are the fairest fairies in the land.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22I'm fair but you...Well, I think you need some more beauty cream.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27- What's that?- Oil of Uglay!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Today we present for you a Christmas tale
0:04:31 > 0:04:35full of an amazing array of Freedom Show acts.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- And us. So, shall we begin? - Jailers and jailbirds... - HONK
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- I didn't know it did that. - HONK
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Jailers and jailbirds, we present for you
0:04:45 > 0:04:52the tale of the Snow Babes and the Giant Magic Lamp Stalk.
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Once upon a Christmas Eve in a land far, far, far, far, far, far away
0:05:01 > 0:05:05there lived an evil, nasty king.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08BOOING
0:05:08 > 0:05:14This king was so evil he gathered up all the performers in the land
0:05:14 > 0:05:19- and locked them in the castle. - I could get to enjoy this part.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23That's right, loyal subjects, I am your king
0:05:23 > 0:05:30- and this is my Christmas cruelty show. - BOOING
0:05:30 > 0:05:35I may have rounded up all the entertainers in the land and stuck 'em in here
0:05:35 > 0:05:38but tonight three of them will perform for all of us
0:05:38 > 0:05:44- and do you know what will 'appen to the act that's the best? - SET THEM FREE!
0:05:44 > 0:05:49No! Tish and pish! They'll be sent back to their cells
0:05:49 > 0:05:51with not so much as a bowl of sloppy...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53ploppy...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56porridge! Wu-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Wu-ha... - HE COUGHS
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Get on with it!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Pace, sir.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08So for my delectable entertainment this evening, page,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11bring me me first act.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- TRUMPET - Does that noise himself, you know.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19The first act are the Big Bouncers!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32CHEERING
0:07:51 > 0:07:53CHEERING
0:07:57 > 0:08:02You might have thought they were ball-bouncingly good but I didn't.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Let me find somebody. Who's the best looking here?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- He's very good looking. What's your name?- James.
0:08:09 > 0:08:14- Your opinion, please.- Fantastic, brilliant and excellent.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- You weren't reading that, were you? - No.- OK, fine. Just like to know.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23- Were you astonished?- I thought it was bouncingly good.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Bouncingly good? What else?
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- I'll give them nine out of ten. - You're like Father Christmas, giving them nine out of ten.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34- We'll bounce them out of prison, do you reckon?- Yeah, probably.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Away they go, bounce, bounce, bounce.
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- Off they go.- Byesy-bye. Bye-bye-bye.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- You can go to the next person now. - Oh.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Final word, please. - Bouncerific-tastic.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Bouncerific-tastic. I like it. Thank you.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Not everyone in the land was as happy as the evil king.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Spare a thought for his servant, a lonely orphan boy.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Hello, boys and girls. I'm Pip, a lonely orphan boy.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Awwww!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I'm more lonely than that!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11AWWWWW!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Oi, Pip! Who said you could speak to my audience?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- BOOING - Shut up!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- Nobody said I could speak to the audience, sir.- Nobody. So don't!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26They're my audience and I ain't sharin'!
0:09:26 > 0:09:27AUDIENCE BOOS
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- I'll get him back. - I've had enough of you.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Go on, get out of it!- Ooh!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36And so the evil king banished poor Pip
0:09:36 > 0:09:39to stand outside the castle in the freezing cold.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Awww!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And don't come back.
0:09:43 > 0:09:49Just as he was about to turn into a human ice lolly, he heard a sound.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50HORN BLARES
0:09:50 > 0:09:53What a luxurious carriage!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56- Left hand down a bit. - Lovely, lovely, lovely.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I think I've pulled a fat! Hang on... OK.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04- Yes. Good day, Pipsqueak. - How do you know my name?- Yes...
0:10:04 > 0:10:08We are your hairy... I mean your fairy godmothers.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12A bit like Tinkerbell but with more stubble and bigger wands.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Yes! We're here to help.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Look.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Take those three special beans.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21No, you're all right. I'm not that hungry.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23HOLLOW KNOCKING
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I told you he was simple. Magic beans!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Oh, I have to go off and plant them?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31HOLLOW KNOCKING
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No, you silly sausage!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- You rub them three times. But be very careful.- Why?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- They might wander off.- Why?
0:10:40 > 0:10:44- They're RUNNER beans! - Runner beans! Come on, old bean.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49- Thank you, has-BEAN. - Come on, you human BEAN.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Wow!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Three magic beans! Shall I rub them?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- ALL:- Yeah!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Really?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- ALL:- Yeah!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00OK, then.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02HARP PLAYS
0:11:02 > 0:11:04COUGHING
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Wow! A magic...thing.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Meanwhile, in the castle,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13the evil king continued his show.
0:11:13 > 0:11:19Right, for me amusement now, page, bring me me next act.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20FANFARE
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- He's done it again! He's very good.- Marvellous.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- DRUM ROLL - Bring on...
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Madeleine, the Christmas fairy.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39PIANO PLAYS
0:13:56 > 0:13:59CHEERING
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Right, you might have liked a big, pink fairy.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09I didn't. We'll find out what you thought with the dames.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Who'd like to talk about Madeleine? You!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14She was really good.
0:14:14 > 0:14:19I especially loved the part where she did the splits upside down.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Lovely. Could you do that?- No!- No.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Did she deserve to go free?- Yes.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- Why?- Because she was amazing.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Most people can't do the splits in a high...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I can!
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh, yes, I can!
0:14:35 > 0:14:37ALL: Oh, no, you can't!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39No, I can't. You're right!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42A final word from this lady here.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46- Tightrope-tastic! - Tightrope-tastic! I love it!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50And so, festive jailers and jailbirds, our story continues.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Pipsqueak was stuck outside the castle.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57But having rubbed the magic bean, he'd found a new magical friend.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I am a magic dwarf. Whoo!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03I'm here to grant you two wishes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- Shouldn't that be three? - That would be greedy.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08You've got ten seconds.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Can I have more time? - Granted. Another ten seconds.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15That wasn't my first wish! GONG CRASHES
0:15:15 > 0:15:17What's your second wish?
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Er, I wish...I wish I could get my own back on that evil king.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23GONG CRASHES
0:15:23 > 0:15:25HARP PLAYS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Behold! Ye old rolled scroll.
0:15:27 > 0:15:32Read this and you will discover the truth about His Royal Highness.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Ohh!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36As Pip read the scroll,
0:15:36 > 0:15:41he realised the king had been lying to him since he was a little boy.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Yes, Pip was the true rightful king of the land.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47He was amazed.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Oh!- He was delighted.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Ah-ha-ha-ha!- He was discombobulated.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oh! Wah! Wah!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Meanwhile, back in the castle,
0:15:58 > 0:16:01the evil pretender continued with his show.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06- Right, then, my loyal subjects. - AUDIENCE BOOS
0:16:06 > 0:16:10This is the bit of the show we call Solitary Confinement.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:13 > 0:16:17This is where we keep the very worst acts in the land.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21We have to keep them locked away from the other prisoners.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25But this is where we bring one out to meet your approval.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28If they do well, they get a nice treat.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33Today they get to watch the Crimewatch Christmas special.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38If they don't do well, they receive a cruel and unusual punishment.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40What's the punishment?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42This week, sir,
0:16:42 > 0:16:45it's being baked for 50 minutes in a Christmas pudding,
0:16:45 > 0:16:50doused in cognac, set alight then smothered in brandy butter!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52How Christmassy!
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I require a judge from you good ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- This lady.- Give her a round of applause.- Bring her up here.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Come over here.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Up you come here, Miss. Come to me.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- What's your name, Miss?- Megan.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Have you got a thumb?- Yep. - Let's see.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Jolly good.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Here we go. Bring out today's Solitary Confinement!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Hello, children!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24How are you doing?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26CHILDREN SHOUT OUT
0:17:26 > 0:17:30What do you say when you bump into a gigantic polar bear?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Ahhhh!
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I went to a Christmas party. Things got out of hand. But it was OK.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Luckily I keep a spare! There's my lucky hand!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42What's this?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Uh, uh, uh, uh!
0:17:45 > 0:17:46That's a very angry elf!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48What's this?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50What's this?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53A penguin trying to get out of a bin.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57I was in Santa's kitchen and he was sorting out the vegetables.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Naughty, nice. Naughty, nice.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04"What's wrong with them?" "Those are mean beans."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06"What do you do with the sprouts?"
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"They go in the bin where they belong!"
0:18:14 > 0:18:16What do you have to say about that?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Right, then, stick out your thumb - nice and level.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25Now, remember, if he does well and he gets the thumbs up,
0:18:25 > 0:18:26it's something good.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30If he gets the thumbs down, it's a burnt Christmas pud.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Five seconds to decide...now!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Oh, straight away! Well done. Take him away!
0:18:38 > 0:18:43- Back to solitary.- Marvellous! - Get the cognac ready.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Marvellous.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Oh! Oh, no!- There we go, sir.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Oh, no!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Oh, no, no!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52FLAMES ROAR
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Argh! Ahhh!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Music to my ears. Beautiful.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57On with the show.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Now I know the truth, I'm the real king.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04I'm going to get inside that castle and fight that evil villain.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I'm going to fight him!
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Going to whoom him, going to wham him.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I'm going to set Terry my kung fu mouse on him.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"I'm right 'ard. I'm Terry the kung fu mouse!" Ssh!
0:19:14 > 0:19:16I'm going to kick him up the bum. Boing!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18He's behind you!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Is he? Oh, he's not. No, shout if you see him!
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I'm going to whoom him, going to whack him...
0:19:25 > 0:19:28He's behind you!
0:19:28 > 0:19:32Is he? No, he's not there. No, say "behind you" if he's there behind me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I'm going to punch him...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37He's behind you!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Bad king!- Behind you!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Wah!- Oh!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- Oh!- I thought I told you to stay out of my castle.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48I've just had me carpet cleaned.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yeah, I know. I clean them.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Anyway, I'm the real king and I'm here, right now,
0:19:53 > 0:19:57to fight you for the throne of this land!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Ha, very well. But can it wait until after the next act?
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Oh, yeah, all right.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Right. Now then, for my amusement, bring me me third and final act.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09FANFARE
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- He's done it again.- Very good. - Well done, lad.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Bring on the Potted Panto!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Thank you very much! We are Dan and Jeff. He's Dan.- And he's Jeff.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29And this is potted panto, a panto within a panto.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Once upon a time, far, far away,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34there lived a very old and wise king.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Hello, loyal subjects, I am the king.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Now, my wife and I have had a lovely baby daughter.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45To celebrate this we're going to throw a massive party.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Hey, Bruces and Sheilas, it's I, the wicked fairy of the south!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- BOO!- Now, here's my gift for the baby princess.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55On her 18th birthday she'll prick her finger
0:20:55 > 0:20:58on a spinning wheel and die! Wa-ha-ha!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- BOO!- Better!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Flutter, flutter, flutter...!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06I am outraged, I don't want my only daughter to die, but what am I to do?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Hey, King baby, you do not be worrying.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I have not given my gift to the princess.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Oh, the fairy from the east. Can you undo the wicked fairy's magic?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Better! I can make it so on her 18th birthday she will prick her finger,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21but she will not die.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Instead she will be woken by the kiss - mwah! - of true love.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- How is that better?- I do not know.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32So, 18 years passed and the young princess grew up.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36# La-la-la-la-la-la-la... #
0:21:37 > 0:21:41- Spinning wheel. Spin, spin, spin. - # La-la-la-la-la... #
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Oh! Hello, beautiful-yet-stupid princess. Come closer.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46What is that you have there?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49This? It's a spinning wheel. Touch it!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I don't know, do you think I should, girls and boys?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- No!- Shut up!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- She's saying no. They're all saying no.- Touch it!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Give me your hand.- Ah!
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Ya-ha-ha-ha!- Boo!- I've done it, I've killed the princess!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05I don't know why I waited 18 years,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07should have done it when she was a baby.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Oh, I feel strangely woozy. Ohhh!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13And so the princess fell asleep.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17In a beautiful, enchanted, magical sleep.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18SHE SNORES
0:22:18 > 0:22:22100 years went by and the kingdom became nothing more
0:22:22 > 0:22:26than the legend of the sleeping princess inside a magical castle.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31That is until one day, who found himself riding through the forest
0:22:31 > 0:22:33but none other than the handsome...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# Prince Charming! #
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Big horse coming through. It might stamp on your toes!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Here I come! Whoa!
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- Dismount. It is I, Prince Charming. Huzzah for me!- Huzzah!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Now, I've heard there's a sleeping princess somewhere.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Whoa, there she is!
0:22:49 > 0:22:54Now, I think I should wake her with this custard pie!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- Who here wants to pie a princess? - Me!
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You're asleep. Down!
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Right, you there, get up here.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03You've got a strong arm, come over here.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06There we go. Take the pie and wake her up.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Put it in her face, do it!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Yeah! Give him a clap!
0:23:10 > 0:23:15- Yeah, well done. You woke the princess, huzzah for you.- Huzzah!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16I'm covered in pie!
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Now, will you marry me? - No, I've got custard in my eyes!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Huh, I've a feeling we're going to live happily ever after.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28CHEERING
0:23:30 > 0:23:34Well, the best bit for me was the end, but what did you think?
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Well, that was a pantomime within a pantomime. What did you think?
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Really funny and I just thought you shouldn't put pies on them!
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- You shouldn't put pies on people?! Are you giggling?- Yes!
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- Does it always make you giggle when you see a pie in someone's face?- No!
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Who would you most like to put a pie into?- Myself!- Yourself?
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- You've got the giggles terrible, haven't you?- Yes!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- Do you want to sit down now?- Yes! - All right.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Final word.- Pantozing.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Pantozing, like it!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Boo!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17You love me really.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21Now then, lad, you were about to fight me for my kingdom.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Yes! I'm the rightful ruler of this kingdom
0:24:24 > 0:24:28and the truth is written right here in this scroll.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Stamp me fiddles and locks a laudies, got me there,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34that's the truth in that scroll.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Could bring down me entire kingdom.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I need to get hold of it and totally destroy it,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- by chucking it in a hedge! Ha-ha-ha!- Boo!- Ooh!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You've done it now, lad.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47- Ooh, ooh, ooh!- Let's go!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Give it to me! Give that here!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Ooh!- Hold it right there, lad.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Hand that over right now, or...
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Or what?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Or this! LAUGHTER
0:25:02 > 0:25:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- Nice picture! - Everybody say "cheese!"
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- ALL: Cheese!- Lovely.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Pip, you won the fight, you are the rightful ruler of the land!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19CHEERING
0:25:19 > 0:25:22And as the clocks chime midnight,
0:25:22 > 0:25:25suddenly it became Christmas Day!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- CHEERING - It's snow time!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# So our story draws to a close
0:25:35 > 0:25:37# Me crowned king Now everyone knows
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- # I got banished - We both vanished... #
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- And I was banned from appearing in any further pantos.- No, no!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Deck the cells with boughs of holly
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# Tra-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
0:25:49 > 0:25:52# Stop all this It's far too jolly
0:25:52 > 0:25:55# Tra-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# Jingle bells Stuck in cells
0:25:57 > 0:25:59# We're all locked away
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# But there's fun for everyone
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# When it's Christmas Day
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# Oh, jingle bells Stuck in cells
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# We're all locked away
0:26:09 > 0:26:13# But there's fun for everyone When it's Christmas Day... #
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You know, jailbirds, I think we should welcome back
0:26:17 > 0:26:20the marvellous acts we've had in this panto show.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22The Big Bouncers!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26Madeline the Christmas fairy, and the Potted Panto.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Normally, we'd give them a cheer on the Clap-O-Meter,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35which sends one act out of the Slammer to go free.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39But as it's Christmas, we're going to let them ALL go free!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- CHEERING - You're mad, sir!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Oh, cheer up, Kingy, it's Christmas!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45LAUGHTER
0:26:45 > 0:26:50# We wish you a Slammer Christmas We wish you a Slammer Christmas
0:26:50 > 0:26:54# We wish you a Slammer Christmas As we're stuck in here
0:26:54 > 0:26:59# Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge
0:26:59 > 0:27:06# Now bring sloppy ploppy porridge And squish it right here! #
0:27:06 > 0:27:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Merry Christmas, everybody! Merry Christmas!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:19 > 0:27:22E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Well, Frank, that seemed to go quite well.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yes, not bad. Not bad at all, sir.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- I'll go get my costume off. - Right you are, sir.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- See you in a minute.- Sir.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I might just leave mine on a bit, actually.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49REGAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Oh, yes.