0:00:02 > 0:00:04'Dear Mum, who can forget the week we've had? The Governor for one.'
0:00:04 > 0:00:08- Who am I?- 'The Freedom Show had some unforgettable acts...'
0:00:10 > 0:00:12CHEERING
0:00:12 > 0:00:16'..but The Governor managed to forget every single one of them!
0:00:16 > 0:00:20'Still, at least they've given me this brand-new paperweight.'
0:00:24 > 0:00:29# You've been found guilty of a howling show-biz crime
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:33 > 0:00:37# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:46 > 0:00:50# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:50 > 0:00:55# Your fate is in their hands so make them cheer and clamour
0:00:55 > 0:00:59# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Almost show time. How do I look?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08BOTH: Divine, sir.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Thank you very much. In that case, it's...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13RINGING
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Oh, yeah! I meant to warn you about the new burglar alarm!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20I didn't want anyone to touch the show-time lever!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Burglar alarm? Why do we need a burglar alarm?
0:01:22 > 0:01:25- Cos we work in a prison(!) - You idiot.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Sir! Good grief! The Governor is dead!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31HE SCREAMS Stop that, stop that, shut up!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Let me finish. The Governor is dead...
0:01:33 > 0:01:37lucky that that didn't kill him.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Sir? Sir? Sir?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Ah!- Ooh!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Where is Mr Snuggles?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- I want Mr Snuggles! - HE SCREAMS
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Are you all right, Governor?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Who's The Governor? - BOTH: You're The Governor.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Am I?- Don't you remember, sir?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Remember what? Where am I?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Na, na, na, na, na...
0:01:56 > 0:02:00That bump on the head has made him lose his memory.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02He can't do the Freedom Show like this.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06- I'll have to do it! - Nope. We'll have to cancel the show.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08GIMBERT GROANS
0:02:13 > 0:02:15He'll break the mirror if he keeps doing that!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18This is terrible. Show Time should have started.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Maybe if he sees the acts it'll jog his memory.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24That's a good idea, lad.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I can't believe I just said that. Right!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Hop to it!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30CHATTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Are we going on an adventure?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Will we see monkeys? I like monkeys!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36He looks like a monkey!
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Not exactly, sir. These are the acts
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- which you will be introducing on stage, sir.- What acts?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43There's 3RUN.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And there's Bollywood Dreams, sir.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48There's Alina Eskina.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And last but not least, the fabulous West End Fever, sir!
0:02:52 > 0:02:55- Ring any bells?- Not a sausage.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56What, not even this one?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- Never seen it.- Things must be bad
0:02:58 > 0:03:01if uncle can't remember his favourite sausage.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Uncle?! You mean we're related? No wonder I'm trying to forget!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Oh, evening all!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09What's going on? The audience is getting restless!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"Yeah! I've not seen them this bored since Paintbrush Paul
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"and his amazing paint-drying act garbage."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- It's good, that, I like that, "garbage."- "Yeah.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Hang on, Governor never laughs at Titch's jokes, what's going on?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23- Nothing.- He's lost his memory!
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Shut up! We don't want everyone knowing, it'll cause a riot!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29THUD!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30- Hang on, do that again. - THUD!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33That is definitely familiar. One more time!
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- THUD! - Yeah, I... It's...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- No, I've forgotten!- "Oh.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Don't stop now, Mr Burgess, I was just enjoying that!"
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Hey, he's dead good, him! I like him!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Oh dear, it's worse than we thought. He's totally lost it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49This calls for emergency measures.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52This calls for sloppy...ploppy...porridge!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Right! If this doesn't snap him out of it, I don't know what will.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- GOVERNOR BURPS - Come on, Uncle! Down the hatch!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02"Yum, yum, yum, yum! Oats and milk!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:04GOVERNOR SPLUTTERS
0:04:04 > 0:04:05HE BURPS
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- You all right, sir?- Wait a minute!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It's all coming back to me now! I remember!
0:04:11 > 0:04:16You're a wally, your lips move, and you've got a silly moustache!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19And most importantly... It's Show Time!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20I think.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Close enough! Let's get him to the stage!
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- This way, sir! Quick as you can. - But I don't remember anything!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- ANNOUNCER:- 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35'where you decide which prisoner is to be released!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38'Now, please welcome your host, his friends call him Ted,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41'he's been smacked on the head,
0:04:41 > 0:04:43'it's The Governor!'
0:04:43 > 0:04:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Who's The Governor?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01ALL: You're The Governor!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Who's The Governor?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05ALL: You're The Governor!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Anyway, let's get on with the first performing prisoner.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It's an act that needs no introduction, which is just as well,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13cos I've forgotten who it is!
0:05:13 > 0:05:143RUN, sir.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Oh, yes. Please welcome 3RUN Sir! Yeah!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21DANCE MUSIC
0:05:28 > 0:05:30AUDIENCE GASPS
0:05:37 > 0:05:40WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:05:45 > 0:05:48WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:05:58 > 0:05:59WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:06:05 > 0:06:07WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:06:20 > 0:06:23WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:06:35 > 0:06:37WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:06:40 > 0:06:43WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:06:55 > 0:06:58WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:07:02 > 0:07:06WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:07:11 > 0:07:14WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:07:18 > 0:07:20CHEERING
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Oh, well, well! Oh!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29What was that act like?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32I don't know, what was it like? I can't remember! Mr Burgess?
0:07:32 > 0:07:37Well, looked more like a Friday night in Glasgow city centre to me,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39but what did you make of it, miss?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40I liked that jump he made.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- You liked the jump he made. Which one in particular?- Mmm...
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- The one off the top balcony?- Yeah. - What would have
0:07:46 > 0:07:49happened if the crash mat hadn't have been there?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- He'd die?- He'd die! Splendid, what a fine answer, miss.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What about you, sir? Did it excite you?- Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Did it get you racing?- Yeah! - Did you want
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- to be jumping about with them?- Yeah. - Like a flea-bitten monkey?- Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:08Yes? I want you to sum that act up, miss, in one final word.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- I think...- Oh, here we go again!
0:08:10 > 0:08:16It's the same thing, week in, week out, isn't it? I asked for one word!
0:08:16 > 0:08:17One.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Amazing!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Amazing, sir! Do you have any questions to ask, sir?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- Yeah. Who am I? - You're The Governor, sir.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Who's The Governor? - ALL: You're The Governor!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32OK, go!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35There, go, go!
0:08:36 > 0:08:39The next act is, er...dead good.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh! Eh! Oh! I mean, it's a...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Come here, come here!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The next act is, please welcome them,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48a pint of milk, three bin bags and a scratch card.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49The other side, Uncle!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Oh, sorry, the other side, yes.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Oh, please make some noise
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and welcome the fabulous Bollywood Dreams!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59CHEERING
0:09:12 > 0:09:14# Jai ho
0:09:19 > 0:09:21# Jai ho
0:09:26 > 0:09:27# Jai ho
0:09:30 > 0:09:31# Jai ho
0:09:33 > 0:09:35# I got fever
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Running like a fire
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# For you I will go all the way I'm gonna take you higher
0:09:41 > 0:09:42# Jai ho
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# I keep it steady cos steady is how I deal it
0:09:44 > 0:09:45- # Jai ho - This beat is heavy
0:09:45 > 0:09:47# So heavy you gonna feel it
0:09:47 > 0:09:49# Jai ho
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- # You are the reason that I breathe - Jai ho
0:09:53 > 0:09:55# You are the reason that I still believe
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- # Jai ho - You are my destiny
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- # Jai ho - You and me, it's destiny
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# Catch me, catch me, catch me Come and catch me
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# I want you now
0:10:06 > 0:10:09# I know you can save me Come and save me, I need you now
0:10:09 > 0:10:12# I am yours forever Yes, forever I will follow
0:10:12 > 0:10:14# Any way on any day
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- # Never gonna let go - Jai ho
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- # Ya, ya, ya-ya, ya, ya - Jai ho
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- # Ya, ya, ya-ya, ya, ya - Jai ho
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- # I need you, gonna make it - Jai ho
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- # I'm ready, so take it - Jai ho
0:10:31 > 0:10:33# No, there is nothing that can stop us
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- # Jai ho - Nothing can ever come between us
0:10:38 > 0:10:43# So come and dance with me Jai ho
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- # You and me, it's destiny - Jai ho
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# Baila, baila
0:10:49 > 0:10:51# Baila, baila
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- # Jai ho - Baila, baila
0:10:55 > 0:10:59# Jai ho. #
0:10:59 > 0:11:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Oh, yes. Oh, come on. Oh, marvellous.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Oh, yeah, I really enjoyed that, I just can't remember enjoying it!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Oh dear, I'm all over the place.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Mr Burgess, is this the bit where we ask questions?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17It is, sir. Why don't you leave this to me and have a sit down?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19In Paris, preferably.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Right, now. Miss, did you enjoy it?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Yeah.- Would you pay money to go and see it?
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- Erm, yeah.- How much?
0:11:26 > 0:11:2850 quid?
0:11:28 > 0:11:29GIRL LAUGHS
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Erm...yeah.- I've got tickets for them at the Bradford Alhambra.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Would you take them?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Yeah.- You would, right.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40See me after. And what about you, young lady?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Erm, it was really energetic and elegant,
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and I loved their transitions into the next move.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51What a very eloquent speaker you are. Would you like to elaborate on this?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55They had lots of action. It looked like they put a lot of effort in.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58They did. What about artistic integrity?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00How many marks out of ten for that?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Ten.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- Would you release them on that performance?- Yeah.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- You think they should go free? - Definitely.- It's looking...
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- Sorry...- Sir! Mr Burgess, I've got a question!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15- Yes.- Can I go to the toilet?
0:12:15 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:18After the show.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Oh!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Right, could you sum that act up for me in one final word, miss!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Beautiful.- Beautiful!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Beautiful it was. Sir.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31That's marvellous, marvellous, marvellous. Er, what happens next?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Solitary Confinement, sir!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- Oh, good! What's that? - SCREAMING
0:12:36 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Ah, yes, yes. Hello, er...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Solitary Confinement.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46That's where we, erm...
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Where we pick a prisoner from solitary confinement
0:12:48 > 0:12:49and either give him
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- the thumbs-up or the thumbs-down, sir.- Oh, very good.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- So all we need is... - A judge from the audience, sir.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Who'd like to be a judge? What do you think, Mr Burgess?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- What about this young man with the cap, sir?- With the cap, yeah.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Give him a round of applause.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06CHEERING Stand by The Governor.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Hello. What's your name?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- Lee.- Lee, you're going to be the judge.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Remember, at the end of the act, you give them a thumbs-up
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- or a thumbs-down. All right, can you do that?- Yep.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Very good indeed. So it's a thumbs-up...
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Thumbs up, sir, it's back to a normal cell, with choccy biccies,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25cocoa and Countdown at half past four!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Thumbs down, and it's...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29A cruel and unusual punishment, sir.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31A cruel and unusual punishment.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And what's the cruel and unusual punishment today?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Being covered in sloppy porridge
0:13:36 > 0:13:38and getting next-door's dog to lick it off, sir.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40AUDIENCE GROANS
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- How is the wife?- Not now, sir.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46All right, then. All right, so, remember,
0:13:46 > 0:13:52it's up to you to decide, OK? So, it's time for Solitary Confinement!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54CHEERING
0:13:58 > 0:14:02MUSIC: "The Beautiful Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- APPLAUSE - Give him a round of applause!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47CHEERING
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Well, I don't know. It's up to this young man here to decide now.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Remember, thumbs up and it's feeling glad all over.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Thumbs down and it's the tongue of Rover.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02You've got five seconds to decide! Here we go.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Ohhh!
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Take him back to the cell! - Back to the cell!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Give this young man a nice round of applause
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- for being the judge. Well done! - APPLAUSE
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Cor, what a stinky fish that was! What a smelly kipper!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- Now then. Marvellous.- Are you ready to soldier on on your own now, sir?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29WATER SPLASHES AND DOG BARKS
0:15:29 > 0:15:31ALL: Ewww!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33SCREAMING
0:15:33 > 0:15:35DOG BARKS
0:15:35 > 0:15:37CHEERING
0:15:37 > 0:15:40It's all coming back to me now, it's all up there in my foot.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- I think I can do fine by myself. - Right you are, sir.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Off you go, good lad, good lad. Yes, anyway,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48the next act is, er... Oh dear.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51It's, erm... Help me...
0:15:51 > 0:15:52THE GOVERNOR MUMBLES
0:15:52 > 0:15:54It's a lean...lean...
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Er, lean... Laughing monkey...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01No, no... Yes, yes!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04A lean, yes... Hands...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Shave, need a shave, sweaty...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Skin! Skin!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Alina Eskina! Yeah!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Give it up, please, for Alina Eskina!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14CHEERING
0:16:25 > 0:16:28DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:16:28 > 0:16:31AUDIENCE GASPS
0:16:48 > 0:16:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:03CHEERING
0:17:06 > 0:17:09AUDIENCE GASPS
0:17:12 > 0:17:15WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:17:28 > 0:17:30WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:17:53 > 0:17:56WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:18:05 > 0:18:07WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:18:13 > 0:18:15WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:18:28 > 0:18:31WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:18:33 > 0:18:36AUDIENCE GASPS
0:18:46 > 0:18:48WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:18:53 > 0:18:56CHEERING
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Oh, marvellous!
0:18:58 > 0:19:02Give her a big hand there, yes!
0:19:02 > 0:19:06You know, I don't remember seeing an act like that before.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09In fact, I don't remember seeing that one! Anyway, Mr Burgess.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13- Did you think was pretty spectacular, sir?- Er, yeah, that was OK.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15MIMICS BOY : Er, yeah!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Yeah, it was good. - It was good?- Yeah.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20That? That's all you can say, sir?! Good?!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- It was amazing, then. - Amazing. Was it out of this world?
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- Yes.- You seem very vocal. Perhaps you'd like to give us your take?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Erm, it was all right. - "It was all right?!"
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- "It was all right?!"- Yeah.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35And...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- She done good.- "She done good?!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:41What is you, a football manager?
0:19:41 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- Erm, no. - No. Right, back to your seat.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Behave and shut up. Are you feeling up to a few questions now, sir?
0:19:50 > 0:19:55What about when the tigers came out, that was the best bit, wasn't it?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Rarr, rarr, tigers, rarrr!
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Scary, oh! Mama, mama! Mama!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Erm...- Do you think I'm nuts?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Yes, definitely.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09What did you think? I don't normally like brass bands,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11but I thought she was very good.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I don't think there was any brass bands.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Weren't there? But I kept hearing them.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Oompah, oompah, oompah...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21You must be going mad, then.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23I must be what?!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24You must be going mad.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Mr Burgess, send for the nurse!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Would you like to sum that up in one lovely word for us then, miss?
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Fabulous.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Fabulous, sir.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I think it's time for the last act, isn't it?
0:20:35 > 0:20:36- Are you all right, sir?- I think so.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Come and help me and we'll do it together. Let's get up here.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44We go back a long time. I like you standing by me. It makes me happy.
0:20:44 > 0:20:45I can do it, but you stay there.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50One more performing prisoner act to see, jailers and jailbirds,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53they're absolutely marvellous - don't worry, I've got it -
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- it's West End Girls!- Fever!- Fever!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58CHEERING
0:21:00 > 0:21:01Here we go!
0:21:05 > 0:21:10# I got chills, they're multiplying
0:21:10 > 0:21:14# And I'm losing control
0:21:14 > 0:21:18# Cos the power you're supplyin'
0:21:18 > 0:21:21# It's electrifyin'
0:21:24 > 0:21:26# You better shape up
0:21:26 > 0:21:28# Cos I need a man
0:21:30 > 0:21:33# And my heart is set on you
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# You better shape up
0:21:35 > 0:21:38# You better understand
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# To my heart I must be true
0:21:41 > 0:21:44# Nothing left nothing left for me to do
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# You're the one that I want
0:21:46 > 0:21:49# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo, honey
0:21:49 > 0:21:50# The one that I want
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo, honey
0:21:54 > 0:21:55# The one that I want
0:21:55 > 0:21:58# You are the one I want Oo-oo-oo
0:21:58 > 0:22:00# The one that I need
0:22:00 > 0:22:04# Oh, yes indeed. #
0:22:04 > 0:22:06MUSIC CHANGE: "MAMMA MIA" BY ABBA
0:22:06 > 0:22:11# I've been cheated by you and I think you know when
0:22:13 > 0:22:18# So I've made up my mind it must come to an end
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# Look at me now
0:22:23 > 0:22:24# Will I ever learn?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26# I don't know how
0:22:26 > 0:22:29# But I suddenly lose control
0:22:29 > 0:22:33# There's a fire within my soul
0:22:33 > 0:22:37# Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# One more look and I forget everything
0:22:41 > 0:22:42# Oh-oh
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# Mamma mia, does it show again
0:22:45 > 0:22:49# My, my, just how much I missed ya?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# Yes, I've been broken-hearted
0:22:52 > 0:22:56# Blue since the day we parted
0:22:56 > 0:22:59# Why, why did I ever let you go?
0:22:59 > 0:23:03# Mamma mia, now I really know
0:23:03 > 0:23:07# My, my I should not have let you go. #
0:23:16 > 0:23:19CHEERING
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Come on! Let's hear it for them, boys and girls!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Jailers and jailbirds, please!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Oh, yes. Yes, I think they were marvellous. I think.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Well, I think I think. I've forgotten. Oh!
0:23:32 > 0:23:33West End girls, West End boys,
0:23:33 > 0:23:37the West End Fever, and in the East End, it's Mr Burgess.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40What a West End foot-tapping medley that was.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42- What did you think? - I think it was the best yet,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44and it's definitely got my vote.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47What particularly attracted you to that act, madam?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51The fact that they all did different, and then in the end,
0:23:51 > 0:23:52they all did the same.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55What about you, sir?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I thought that was all right.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59What didn't you like specifically?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- The singing.- What, not good enough?
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Er, yeah. Not good enough.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08What did you think of that musical act, in song?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# Mamma mia! #
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# Was it really good? # Can you sing for me?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15# Fabbalistic! #
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- LAUGHTER - Fabbalistic?
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Oh, that's good!- For a final word, sum that act up, miss.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24All right.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26LAUGHTER
0:24:26 > 0:24:30All right, sir. You can't please 'em all, can you?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Well, jailers and jailbirds, it's now time to decide
0:24:33 > 0:24:37who goes free, with the aid of this. Yes, it's the clap-o-meter,
0:24:37 > 0:24:41as modelled by Dimbert. I mean, Gimbert. No, I was right first time.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42If my memory serves me correctly,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46you decide who goes free by making the most noise.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Welcome back, please, all our performing prisoners!
0:24:49 > 0:24:533RUN, Bollywood Dreams, Alina Eskina, and West End Fever!
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Come on, let's hear it for them all! - CHEERING
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Yes.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04Marvellous, marvellous. Well, my memory's served me well so far,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06but who do you think is going to go free?
0:25:06 > 0:25:11So, performing prisoner appreciators, please,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13show your appreciation for 3RUN!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17CHEERING
0:25:21 > 0:25:24How about that! A great score, 94.9.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Yes, 94.9, marvellous. Well, I think I've been in dreamland all day,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31but these were certainly dreamy.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34It was Bollywood Dreams!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36CHEERING
0:25:38 > 0:25:40A good score. A good score,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43but I think you're staying with us a little longer.
0:25:43 > 0:25:4783.1. Well, next, this young lady, well, my word.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50She was a cube, but she wasn't square, she was wonderful.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53She was Alina Eskina!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55CHEERING
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Oh, Alina!
0:25:59 > 0:26:0291.4! Does that put her in the lead?
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Let's see... No, not quite!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's 94.9, it's still 3RUN.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09One more performing prisoner act to see,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11they were wonderful, they had the fever,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14did they have the fever to win? It's West End Fever!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17CHEERING
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Oh, 88... 89.6, oh, dear!
0:26:23 > 0:26:2589.6.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Never mind, perhaps you can perform at The Slammer Christmas Party.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Well, that means, with a score of 94.9 and going free,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- it's 3RUN! - CHEERING
0:26:35 > 0:26:39Take 'em away, lads! You're free to go, off you go.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Give them a big hand there. For the rest of you,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45the good news is you're in time for tea. What's for tea tonight?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- Leftovers, sir.- Leftover what?
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Leftover sloppy, ploppy porridge.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Oh, dear! Off you go!
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Bye-bye, everybody, bye-bye. There we are, boys and girls,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57there we are. That's it from The Slammer this week,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I hope I get my memory back soon,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02but remember, boys and girls, jailers and jailbirds,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06if you can't sing, dance or rhyme, don't do the, er...
0:27:06 > 0:27:07ALL: Crime!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10That's it, I remember now! Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13CHEERING
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Well done, everybody! Another great Freedom Show.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- And thanks for helping me out. - That's all right, sir.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38The thing I can't work out is how I lost my memory in the first place!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Perhaps if I retraced my steps.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42I was standing about here...
0:27:42 > 0:27:46It was almost Show Time, so I was looking divine, naturally.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47And I pulled the lever!
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- No!- No! - RINGING