0:00:02 > 0:00:06'Dear Mum, thank you for the lovely cardigan. I'll wear it every week.'
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Thanks.
0:00:07 > 0:00:12'You wouldn't believe the acts we had on the freedom show.
0:00:17 > 0:00:22'But the big news is about Fronzo, the world's messiest clown.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26'Things haven't been going too well for him.'
0:00:28 > 0:00:32# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# So welcome to the Slammer Where you better serve your time
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# Is going to the limit to try to get released
0:00:45 > 0:00:50# So God bless the audience and bring them to the Slammer
0:00:50 > 0:00:55# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:55 > 0:00:59# Your fate is in their hands So make them join the clamour
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer
0:01:03 > 0:01:07# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #
0:01:08 > 0:01:13- Well done. You're in the show. Go and get ready.- Move yourselves.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Well, that's the Freedom Show sorted out, Frank.
0:01:17 > 0:01:22I've chosen Millie and Tillie, Guy Barrett,
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Take Fat and Gandini Jugglers.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Oh! Frank, careful!- Sorry, sir.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Sir, there is still...
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Oh, no. Not him!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Ohh!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Send in the clown.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44All right, Fronzo.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49Stay very still, lad. Nothing messy, nothing silly.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54For the umpteenth time, why should you have a chance at freedom?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Oh, that's better.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12HONKS HORN
0:02:15 > 0:02:17CRAZY LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Frank! Get him! No!
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Guv'nor, sir. I'm worried about Fronzo.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- Behind that sad face is... another sad face.- I don't care.
0:02:47 > 0:02:52- He stays until he can control his custard.- Slapstick is all he knows.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- Take that away and he'll lose all hope.- I have to be firm, son.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02- I can't let that clown walk his big feet all over me.- Sir!
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It doesn't make sense. The cell was locked.
0:03:06 > 0:03:11- Are you certain?- Honestly, Uncle. I do it the same way every night.
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Lock the door, got to be sure, check once more, is it secure?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20The wheel's going round, but the hamster's dead.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23He's right, I'm afraid, sir. I checked.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- Check the locks, pull up your socks, give it a shake...- Don't you start!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- There's a prisoner loose! - Or has turned into custard!
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- Does your head feel tight? - Look, sir, a clue!
0:03:36 > 0:03:41Everybody, freeze! Detective Ron Zof, CSI: Stroud.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- Blimey, that was quick.- So which clown is responsible for all this?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Fronzo. And now he's disappeared.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53- Ah, interesting. Did he have a bright green afro?- Yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57- Pale-looking?- Yes!- Sad face?- Yes! - Big, red nose?- Yes, yes!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00- I knew it!- He's good!- Shut up!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Get me an APB on all bright vehicles with loud horns emitting bubbles
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- and potentially missing doors. - How did he do it?- Too early to say.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- Only one thing we know for certain. - What?- He escaped custardy!
0:04:14 > 0:04:16COMEDY MUSIC
0:04:21 > 0:04:25No one has come in or out. He's either still here or...
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Or?- Or?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Or?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Or...not.
0:04:32 > 0:04:38- Good shot, sir.- OK. I got the custardcology report.
0:04:38 > 0:04:43The custard was originally bound for a trifle, possibly custard cream.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Very well, but we've got a show to do.- Then I'll have to shoot off.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52No! We've got an audience full of witnesses. So...
0:04:52 > 0:04:57- How do I look?- Divine, sir. - Thank you very much. In that case...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00..it's showtime!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Now please welcome your host...
0:05:11 > 0:05:15The Guv'nor had a little clown His hair was green and frizzy
0:05:15 > 0:05:19But now the clown's gone missing, so the prison's in a tizzy!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22It's the Guv'nor! CHEERING
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Thank you, thank you.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Who's the Guv'nor? - ALL: You're the Guv'nor!
0:05:39 > 0:05:44We've got today, waiting for you to see if they're going to go free,
0:05:44 > 0:05:49some marvellous performers. An illusionist called Guy Barrett,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- a group called Take Fat... - Ooooh!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56- And also some wonderful jugglers. - Ooooh!
0:05:56 > 0:06:01But right now, please welcome the first cab off the rank,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03it's Millie and Tillie!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12MUSIC: "The Charleston"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18CHEERING
0:06:37 > 0:06:39CHEERING
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Ooooh!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41CHEERING
0:08:06 > 0:08:08'One more time!'
0:08:08 > 0:08:10CHEERING
0:08:27 > 0:08:30CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Oh, down the rope they come. Millie and Tillie!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Give them a big round of applause! Off to your cell.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Well, I thought that was marvellous. What do you think, Mr Burgess?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Right, Millie and Tillie. Up in the air. Miss?
0:08:47 > 0:08:52I thought they were fantastic. I liked when they did the back flip.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57- What did you think of them?- It was the best thing I've ever seen.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- Will they go free?- Definitely.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Sir, what did you think? - It was very wicked and very cool.
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- Should they make it a bit longer? - No.- Was that just the right length?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Yeah.- You wouldn't like to see any more or any less?
0:09:13 > 0:09:18- Yeah.- Yes?- Yeah. - A bit less or a bit more?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- Less.- A bit less?- Yes. - So no more than a bit less?
0:09:22 > 0:09:27- Or just a bit more? - You're confusing me.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Confusing you, sir? Not a bit of it!
0:09:30 > 0:09:34I thought it would be the stuff you normally see,
0:09:34 > 0:09:38but it was superb. They have a really good chance.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42- One final word. Sum that act up. - Marvellous.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47I'm Detective Ron Zof. Have you seen a clown? Green hair, red nose?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- No.- OK. I'm going to look over there.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I'm determined to find this guy.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59Well, Millie and Tillie were good, but will they be going free?
0:09:59 > 0:10:04You will decide. The next act up is an illusionist.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Will he go free? Let's see
0:10:06 > 0:10:11after we enjoy the mystical magic of Guy Barrett!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13CHEERING
0:10:20 > 0:10:23MUSIC: "Lost In Space"
0:11:02 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18GASPS AND APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:51CHEERING
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Oh, yes!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20We appreciated Guy Barrett there and the lovely Sarah.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25But what did you think of them? Let's see. First dibs, Mr Burgess.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Guy Barrett, magic or just trickery, Miss?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Em, I think the act was spectacular,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37especially when he was upside down and the lady appeared in the box.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- What did you think of Guy Barrett and Sarah?- Amazing.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45The best illusionist I've ever seen.
0:12:45 > 0:12:51- Right, what about you, Miss? - I think that they deserve 100%.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56The bit I liked best was when the man was in the box
0:12:56 > 0:13:01and his legs were the right way up, but his waist was upside down.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06- What did you think?- It was the best think I've ever seen in my life.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Very good. Will they go free? - I think so.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Let's see one final word. Miss?- Fabulous.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- Tell me, do you like custard?- No. - Like making people laugh?- No.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Then you are not a clown!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23That was the magic of Guy Barrett.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26On now to the part of the Slammer
0:13:26 > 0:13:29that we call Solitary Confinement!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31A SCREAM
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Yes, Solitary Confinement,
0:13:34 > 0:13:39where we take those prisoners and leave them, the ones who are
0:13:39 > 0:13:43too horrible to mix with the others. This is their one chance.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47If they're good, at least they get a nice cell.
0:13:47 > 0:13:52A lovely cell with comfy slippers and a nice view of the gasworks.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- Oooh!- But...if they don't do well and they get a thumbs down,
0:13:57 > 0:14:02it's back to their cell for a cruel and unusual punishment. Mr Burgess?
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- Sir!- What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:14:07 > 0:14:12This week, sir, it's bursting the boil on Sweaty Trevor's bum, sir.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Eeeew!
0:14:14 > 0:14:19All right. For this we need a judge from the audience. Spotted anybody?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- We need somebody. - This young man here, sir.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- Give him a round of applause. Here he comes.- Up on the stage.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33- Milking the applause! How are you? - Very fine.- What's your name?- Vinnie.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- Say again.- Vinnie.- Gimme five, Vinnie! Cool. ..Ow. Hurt my hand.
0:14:38 > 0:14:43Right, Vinnie, you'll give the thumbs up or thumbs down
0:14:43 > 0:14:46after we've seen today's act.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Today it's Holly and her yodelling chicken
0:14:50 > 0:14:54who is performing from Solitary Confinement!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06SHE YODELS... AND SO DOES THE CHICKEN
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Give her a round of applause.
0:15:39 > 0:15:45Now then, here's our judge. What do you think, Judge?
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Remember, thumbs up and it's fun in the sun,
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- thumbs down and it's Trevor's bum. - LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:57You've got to decide. You've got five seconds.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Is it going to be up or down? It's up to you.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Ohh! It's thumbs down!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Well done, our judge. Give him a round of applause.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Don't forget your chicken! There we are.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18She's gone back to Solitary Confinement. Oh...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20SHE SOBS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- Pop!- Eeeew!
0:16:23 > 0:16:28That were bigger than a pimple. On to our next performer.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Jailers and jailbirds, please welcome five young men
0:16:32 > 0:16:38who are really spreading. Please welcome...Take Fat!
0:16:38 > 0:16:43Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Chocolate Orange, Blobby Williams,
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Gary Lardo, Howard McDonald's and Mark Growing!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52# Today this could be
0:16:52 > 0:16:55# The greatest day of our lives
0:16:56 > 0:16:58# Can you see it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05# Can you see it in my eyes?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08# Can you feel it now?
0:17:09 > 0:17:14# Can you hold it in your arms
0:17:14 > 0:17:19# Tonight?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# Ohhh
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# You are such a big star to me
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# You're everything I wanna be
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# But you're stuck in a hole
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# And I want you to get out
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# I don't know what there is to see
0:17:43 > 0:17:46# But I know it's time for you to leave
0:17:46 > 0:17:51# We're all just pushing along Trying to figure it out, out, out
0:17:51 > 0:17:55# Only your anticipation pulls you down
0:17:55 > 0:17:58# Cos you can have it all
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# You can have it a-a-all
0:18:02 > 0:18:06# So, come on, see the light On you face
0:18:06 > 0:18:12# Let it shine Just let it shi-i-ine
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# Let it shine
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# You light
0:18:17 > 0:18:23# The skies up above you
0:18:26 > 0:18:29# A star
0:18:29 > 0:18:32# So bright
0:18:32 > 0:18:36# You blind me, yeah
0:18:37 > 0:18:40# Don't close
0:18:40 > 0:18:43# Your eyes
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# Don't fade away
0:18:45 > 0:18:48# Don't fade away
0:18:48 > 0:18:50# Oooh
0:18:50 > 0:18:54# Yeah, you and me We can ride on a star
0:18:54 > 0:18:58# If you stay with me, girl
0:18:58 > 0:19:02# We can rule the world! #
0:19:03 > 0:19:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:11Right, take them off. Give them a cheer - Take Fat!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Yeah! Hey!
0:19:14 > 0:19:20- Mr Burgess, what do you think? Take Fat?- Right, Take That or Take Fat?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23- Take Fat.- Take Fat.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Take That or Take An 'at?
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I think they were... very fantastic.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34And I'm definitely, definitely going to give them my vote.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- They'll get your vote today?- Yes.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41You had Gary Lardo, Jason Chocolate Orange,
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Howard McDonald's, Mark Growing and Blobby Williams.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- Who's your favourite?- Blobby Williams.- Just like in real life.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53So to sum up Take Fat
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- in one final word...- Amazing.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- You could be a clown. Do you like custard?- Yes.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- Do you eat it?- No. - Would you throw it?- Yes.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09You could be a clown! I'm looking at you. With these eyes.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12The ones in the back of my head!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Well, that's Take Fat. Will they go free? Who knows?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Only you, felon fans, can decide. One more performing prisoner to see.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Please welcome the fabulous Gandini Jugglers!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33MUSIC: "Mas Que Nada" by Black-Eyed Peas
0:20:44 > 0:20:49# Oaria raio
0:20:49 > 0:20:53# Oba, oba, oba
0:20:54 > 0:20:56# Mas que nada
0:20:56 > 0:20:59# Black-Eyed Peas came to make it hotter
0:20:59 > 0:21:03# We beat the party starters Bubblin' up just like lava
0:21:03 > 0:21:06# Like lava Heated like a sauna
0:21:06 > 0:21:10# Penetratin' thru your body armour Rhythmically we massage ya
0:21:10 > 0:21:13# With hip hop mixed up with samba
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# With samba, so yes, yes, y'all We never stop, we never rest y'all
0:21:17 > 0:21:20# Keepin' it funky fresh y'all
0:21:20 > 0:21:24# And we won't stop until we get y'all, get y'all sayin'
0:21:24 > 0:21:29# Oaria raio
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# Oba, oba, oba
0:21:34 > 0:21:37# Oh-oh-oh-oh
0:21:37 > 0:21:39# Oaria raio
0:21:39 > 0:21:43# Oba, oba, oba
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# Peter Piper picked peppers but Tab rapped rhymes
0:21:45 > 0:21:48# 1, 2, 3, 4, several times
0:21:48 > 0:21:53# Heavy rotation played by every kind Radio stations blastin' every mind
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# You know we never stop We never rest y'all
0:21:56 > 0:21:59# Keepin' it funky fresh y'all
0:21:59 > 0:22:02# We won't stop until we get y'all Until we get y'all
0:22:02 > 0:22:06# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:22:06 > 0:22:09# Oaria raio
0:22:09 > 0:22:12# Oba, oba, oba
0:22:12 > 0:22:15# Drop hot hot be my daily operation
0:22:15 > 0:22:19# Got to put in work in this crazy occupation
0:22:19 > 0:22:22# We took an old samba song and we remixed it
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# Check it out
0:22:28 > 0:22:33# Oaria raio
0:22:33 > 0:22:37# Oba, oba, oba
0:22:37 > 0:22:39# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:22:39 > 0:22:42# Oaria raio
0:22:42 > 0:22:45# Oba, oba, oba! #
0:22:50 > 0:22:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, wonderful.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Oh, well, there they are. Give them a big cheer!
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- The Gandini Jugglers there! - CHEERING
0:23:06 > 0:23:12They were good, the jugglers, but were they good enough to get out?
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Let's find out with Mr Burgess. - Well, the Gandini Jugglers.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20- Did they juggle your boat, Miss? - Brilliant and fantastic. 100%.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25They did good tricks and they were very clever.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30They WERE very clever. If we released them today, Miss,
0:23:30 > 0:23:35- would they fit back into showbiz society?- Yeah.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- What about this young lady here? - I think it was very good.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44They had lots of good tricks and it was cool when they light up.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49- You didn't read that, did you? - I did.- But you read it very well.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51- Do they deserve to go free?- Yeah.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55- One final word, Miss...- Marvellous.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- Have you seen a clown?- Yeah. - What do clowns look like?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02They've got big red roses here.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07And... they're made out of plastic.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Elementary, my dear sir.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Well, criminal critics, there are your four acts.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Let's welcome them all back - Millie and Tillie! Guy Barrett!
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Take Fat! And Gandini Jugglers! Keep that applause going for them!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26They were all marvellous! Hello.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30If you go round there... Oh, lovely.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Which of these wonderful acts will be going free from the Slammer?
0:24:35 > 0:24:41They were all brilliant. You've got to decide now by making a noise
0:24:41 > 0:24:45recorded on this fabulous clapometer. All the lights going.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50The more noise, the higher the score. Who's it going to be?
0:24:50 > 0:24:54The first act was the lovely Millie and Tillie!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Wow!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Well done, ladies. 89.3. That's a good score.
0:25:05 > 0:25:0989.3. Well, it was a mystery with Guy Barrett.
0:25:09 > 0:25:15He had a lady who appeared from nowhere. Guy Barrett with Sarah!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Come on!
0:25:20 > 0:25:2280. You peaked at 80.
0:25:22 > 0:25:27We'll have to lock you up in your cabinets again.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32For the next act, we had to reinforce the stage. They were big.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Will they be big on the outside? It's Take Fat!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Wow!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Wow. 87.6.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53That means still in the lead it's Millie and Tillie on 89.3.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Now then, let's hear it for Gandini Jugglers!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Oh! Oh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:10You've gone in the lead! With a grand score of 91.7!
0:26:10 > 0:26:15It's Gandini Jugglers! Set them free, Mr Burgess!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18No time to say goodbye. You've got to go.
0:26:18 > 0:26:24The rest are going back to their cells. What's for tea, Mr Burgess?
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- A Scottish favourite - sloppy, ploppy porridge.- That's not Scottish!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- It is if you drop an 'aggis in it! - Take them to the cells!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Give them a round of applause!
0:26:35 > 0:26:41Better luck next time. You were good, though. Very good.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Well, that's it from the Slammer this week.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49We'll be back for more performing prisoner frolics soon.
0:26:49 > 0:26:55Until then, if you can't sing, dance, or rhyme, don't do the crime!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Bye-bye, everybody! Bye-bye!
0:27:08 > 0:27:13# We all know where you've been Inside the Slammer! #
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- Good luck with the investigation. - Have a nice day.- I still don't know
0:27:17 > 0:27:20how that clown got out.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25Just a minute, Mr Zof. That's a lovely flower. Recognise it, sir?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Flower?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Oh! It's him!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- He's a raving lunatic, sir. - Of course.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- Ron Zof - Fronzo. Anagram. - Who's Anna Gram?
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk