0:00:03 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go and fetch the audience Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And polish up your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:44 > 0:00:48Today, I am here for an exclusive interview with Governor Ted Robbins
0:00:48 > 0:00:51and senior prison officer Frank Burgess.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Governor, Mr Burgess, thanks for agreeing to this.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58It's a great pleasure, Laura, and please call me Ted.
0:00:58 > 0:01:03- Thanks, Ted it is. Mr Burgess, may I call you Frank?- No.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06OK. So, first question. What makes The Slammer so special?
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Well, Laura, I am glad you asked me that, because The Slammer is
0:01:10 > 0:01:14a unique institution that's solely for the rehabilitation of
0:01:14 > 0:01:17performers who have committed crimes against the world of showbiz.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Does that mean that these entertainers are less
0:01:20 > 0:01:22trouble than regular prisoners?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Well, you see...- Now, hold on, sir.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Let's not forget, these so-called entertainers are
0:01:27 > 0:01:31common criminals and require dealing with accordingly.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Yes, Frank is rather old-school.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35We do differ in our approach, yes.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I prefer the softly-softly way.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Whereas I prefer them marching in the exercise yard.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Masters of dance, until next time, complete.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- What an act, eh, Frank? - Average, sir.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03What were both of you doing before you came
0:04:03 > 0:04:05to work here at The Slammer? Ted?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Oh, well, I was a showbiz baby, Laura. I was born in a trunk.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Well, I was born and my parents put me in a trunk.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13But I have done the lot.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Juvenile, dancer, comedian, xylophone act, the lot.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Along the way, I have seen many fall by the wayside
0:04:20 > 0:04:23and end up in places like The Slammer.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26So I thought it was time to give something back
0:04:26 > 0:04:27to my fellow performers.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Plus, the hours are good and I have my own sauna.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Mr Burgess, what did you do before The Slammer?
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- British Army, 20 years, man and boy, RASC.- Royal Army Service Corps?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41No, Run Away, Someone's Coming.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46So, have you never dreamt of being in showbiz yourself, Mr Burgess?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I have no ambition in that direction.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50For me, it's all about the prison service.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Oh, Frank! I happen to know that he's a brilliant tap dancer.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I don't know what you're talking about.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Our viewers would love to see some tap dancing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03I'd love to see England win the World Cup, but it ain't going to happen.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I tell you what, while we enjoy Micro Jackson
0:05:05 > 0:05:08and Theo Dari, Laserman, I will work on Mr Burgess.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10See if he can show us his skills.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Come on, get those feet going.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23# As he came into the window
0:05:23 > 0:05:25# It was the sound of a crescendo
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# He came into her apartment
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# There were bloodstains on the carpet
0:05:29 > 0:05:31# Annie, are you OK?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35# Annie, are you OK? Annie, are you OK?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37# Are you OK, Annie?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39# He came into your apartment
0:05:39 > 0:05:41# There were bloodstains on the carpet
0:05:41 > 0:05:43# Then you ran into the bedroom
0:05:43 > 0:05:45# You were struck down It was your doom
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# Annie, are you OK? Annie, are you OK?
0:05:47 > 0:05:51# Are you OK, Annie? Annie, are you OK?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53# Annie, are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57# You've been hit by... You've been struck by...a smooth criminal
0:06:05 > 0:06:09# You've been hit by... You've been struck by...a smooth criminal. #
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Mr Burgess, that was pretty impressive.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Well, it's a gift, you know. - It's amazing, Frank.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It reminded me of two spectacular acts we had
0:08:18 > 0:08:22on The Freedom Show recently. Two Tricky, and Juggling On Tap.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- Marvellous, eh, Frank? - I can take it or leave it, sir.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26One criticism levelled at The Slammer is its security issues.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Recently, you've had a few escapes.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Well, maybe one or two, yes.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35According to my figures, you've had 254 escapes over the past year.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I will admit to one or two security lapses.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40But every prison loses a few inmates now and again.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I hear Pentonville is leaking like a sieve.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46If I might interject, sir, as the senior prison officer.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51I can now reveal that security has been completely tightened,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54and it's impossible to escape from The Slammer.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55- PHONE RINGS - Get that, Frank.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- What do you mean, someone's escaped? - Give it here. What's that, Gimbert?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Someone nipped out for some biscuits and left the door open?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05We lost another six. Get down there, Frank.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'll sort this out, sir.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, dear, while, Mr Burgess sorts that out,
0:11:10 > 0:11:13let's enjoy two more acts from recent Freedom Shows.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Granny Turismo and the Hull Highflyers.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Everything OK, Mr Burgess?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yes, Frank. Did you manage to recapture those prisoners?
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Unfortunately, we've lost three clowns, two jugglers,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29and that fellow who does the amusing thing with the parakeet, sir.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I shall miss the parakeets.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Isn't that embarrassing for you, prisoners walking out the door?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I mean, it's frankly outrageous!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I agree with you, Laura, something must be done.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- So I suggest lunch. Pizzas on me? - Oh, just a sec...- Hello, Laudini's?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Governor from The Slammer, here.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Can I have two extra large pepperoni pizzas?
0:13:48 > 0:13:50What about you, Frank?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I will have my usual, the Jardiniere, garlic bread on the side.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Thanks, ten minutes? Great.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I can't believe you ordered pizza in the middle of my interview.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01It's all right, they deliver. While we wait, let's enjoy
0:14:01 > 0:14:05some more marvellous performances from the Freedom Show.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Oh, what about your dough balls, sir?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50We have to finish my act off. What will you do for us?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- We're going to sing a song.- A song?
0:15:53 > 0:15:58- Yeah.- Are you going to do it?- Oh, yeah.- Yeah?- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- Are you both singing?- Yes, it's a duet.- It's a duet?- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- So, you're singing together? - Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I will count to three, and you two can take it away with a song.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13- So, here we go. One. Two. - # I like to move it, move it
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# I like to move it, move it. #
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Eh?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Wait a minute. Did I count to three? - No, you didn't.- I didn't, did I?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I'm sorry, that's the end of the act now.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31- Oh. I want a go.- You want a go? - I want to do a solo.- All right.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- So, one. Two. Three.- Yes!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# I'm a little teapot Short and stout
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Here is my handle
0:16:42 > 0:16:48- # And here is my spout... # - Yes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52# ..When the kettle is boiling Hear me shout
0:16:52 > 0:16:59# Lift me up and pour meeeeeeeeeeee...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03# Eeeh... #
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- # Out! # - Hey! He did it again.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Give him a nice big round of applause.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25It's me, it's the Governor.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29On the show, we see the official face of Governor Ted Robbins,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32and senior prison officer Frank Burgess.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34But what do you both like to do to relax? Ted.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Well, Laura, I am a big fan of a night in,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39in front of the telly, with the wife.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42In fact, I prefer it if the telly is in front of the wife.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46As you can probably see why. Still, she's good to the kids.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48And, how about you, Mr Burgess?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50What do you like to do on a night off?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51And is there a Mrs Burgess?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Yes, there certainly is, the lovely Marjorie.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57She's got everything a man could want.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Strong arms, big feet, luxuriant moustache.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03And do your wives have any favourite acts?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Marjorie is partial to a bit of Paul Burling.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Oh, yes, and my wife likes head-butting tractor tyres,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- and Team Kinetics.- Very nice.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Now, if I say these names to you, all right?
0:20:11 > 0:20:18Let's try and think of the cartoon. Fred, Daphne, Velma, who is it?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Scooby Doo!
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- AS SHAGGY:- Scooby Doo, where are you?!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- AS SCOOBY:- Huh?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Raggie!
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Raggie! Uh, uh, uh, uh.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Scooby snack, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Scooby Dooby Doo!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Well, I have to say that this next
0:20:48 > 0:20:52and final cartoon has got to be my most favourite cartoon of all time.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Here we go. Ready?
0:20:55 > 0:21:01- AS MARGE:- Homie, Homie! You know I love you, honey.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- AS HOMER:- But, Marge, I love doughnuts.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Sweet doughnuts. Is there nothing they can't do?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- Doh! Bart, why, you little...! - AS BART:- Hey, eat my shorts, man.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- Look who's on telly, dude. - AS KRUSTY:- Heh, heh, heh! Hi, kids,
0:21:18 > 0:21:22it's old Krusty the Clown. Hoo-ha-ha!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- AS MR BURNS:- Excellent, Smithers. Who's that man?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- AS SMITHERS:- That's Simpson, sir.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- AS BARNEY:- Hi, Homer! - HE BELCHES
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- AS NELSON:- Ha-ha! - AS APU:- Thank you. Call again.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42And all I can say is, "Ibdi-ib-ib-ib that's all, folks!"
0:21:46 > 0:21:48OK, another question for you.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Have there ever been any...? - KNOCK ON DOOR
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Oh, that'll be the pizza. Sort this out, will you?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- I haven't got my wallet, sir. - I haven't either.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Laura, could you do the honours? 30 quid should do it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Thanks, Frank.- There you go, sir.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Right, OK, next question.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07What advice do you have for anyone watching who wants a career
0:22:07 > 0:22:10working in a prison for entertainers? Ted?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12First of all, put on a great weekly Freedom Show.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16A bit of stand-up comedy. Join a holiday camp, perhaps.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20Do a spot of Cabaret, up Blackpool way. Marvellous.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- And, Mr Burgess, how about you?- It all comes down to shouting, really.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Yes, it's all in the voice.- And could you give us a blast of the voice?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Certainly, Miss... STAND UP!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32- GLASS SMASHES - Good, isn't he?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I will tell you another act that was good. Team Extreme.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38OK, here's an interesting question.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42You work together all day, every day, in this enclosed environment.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46If you could change one thing about each other, what would it be?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Mr Burgess?- With respect, sir, I wish you'd be a bit more strict
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- with the prisoners.- Oh, OK. I have to admit,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58I do find the whole punishment side of prison rather difficult, Laura.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I'm a lover, not a fighter. That's just me.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03OK, Ted, same question. If you could change
0:24:03 > 0:24:06one thing about Mr Burgess, what would it be?
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- Well, that's easy. The smelly feet. - I do not have smelly feet, sir.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- Yes, you do. They're well stinky. - They are not well stinky, sir.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Yes, they are. They smell like a gorilla's bottom.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Well, I have never been so insulted. I am off.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Well, your feet certainly are. Ha-ha!
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- DOOR SLAMS - Oh, dear.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Don't mind Mr Burgess. He's a little bit sensitive at times.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Right, well, changing the subject from Mr Burgess's feet,
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Ted, do you have a favourite recent act?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35There's been so many wonderful Freedom Show acts,
0:24:35 > 0:24:39but one that really comes to mind, yes, The World's Greatest Liar.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugo Tenderhorn,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46and I am The World's Greatest Liar.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48ALL: Ooh!
0:24:48 > 0:24:52I was raised by Pygmy monks in Hartlepool.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56And I'm proud of the fact that I'm the identical
0:24:56 > 0:24:58twin brother of Justin Bieber.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Now then, the way it works today is that you ask me a question,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07and I give you the greatest lie you've ever heard.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10But, obviously, it's going to take a few seconds for you
0:25:10 > 0:25:12to decipher what question to ask me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14So, in the meantime,
0:25:14 > 0:25:18I shall give you my award-winning dance from the 2010
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Online Robotic Dance Championships,
0:25:22 > 0:25:27where I competed against over 14 million competitors.
0:25:35 > 0:25:41- First question, please.- Why is the sky blue?- Why is the sky blue?
0:25:41 > 0:25:45That's an excellent question. Why is the sky blue? The answer is...
0:25:45 > 0:25:50because Darren Warns, who painted it, couldn't spell yellow.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58What's my mum's middle name?
0:25:58 > 0:26:02What's this young lady's mother's middle name? The answer is...
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Derek von Stroodlehooman.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- What shampoo do you use? - A very good question again.
0:26:14 > 0:26:20What shampoo do I use? The answer is...I don't, I am bald.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28One of my personal favourites there.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And, may I also say, Mr Burgess, Frank,
0:26:31 > 0:26:32that I am glad you're back,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37and I am sorry about my earlier comments regarding your stinky feet.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Well, apology accepted, sir, but it was rather hurtful at the time.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- Oh, good. Come here, give us a hug, you big lummox.- Not now, sir.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, come on, Frank, yeah.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54OK. I have got a final question for you both.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56You're meant to be running a prison,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59but today, I've seen you let a load of prisoners escape,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02order pizza and make me pay for it, do a bit of tap dancing,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06and generally muck around. In today's harsh economic climate,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10do you think we'd all be better off if The Slammer got shut down?
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- What, shut down the slammer?! - That's an outrageous suggestion.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18All the poor showbiz criminals would have nowhere to go for proper
0:27:18 > 0:27:19rehabilitation.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22This so-called prison is a chaotic mess.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's a complete joke. You both deserve the boot.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Right, I have had enough of this. This interview is over.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31For once, sir, I agree with you. Right, up you get.
0:27:31 > 0:27:36- I'll get the camera. Go on, get her out of here.- Go on, get out of it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Take your filters with you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Mr Burgess?- Sir!