0:00:02 > 0:00:05"The Secret Diary of the Governor, day one.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09"Started my new diary."
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Er...
0:00:13 > 0:00:14"Had some tea.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19"And a choccie biccie.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23"And remembered the amazing Freedom Show we had today."
0:00:23 > 0:00:24"Oh, the sweat...
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING
0:00:26 > 0:00:27"..the tears...
0:00:29 > 0:00:31"..the turnips!
0:00:36 > 0:00:37"Had some more choccie biccie!"
0:00:39 > 0:00:41What an action-packed life I lead!
0:00:45 > 0:00:50# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:50 > 0:00:55# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:55 > 0:00:59# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:01:03 > 0:01:08# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:01:08 > 0:01:12# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:01:16 > 0:01:21# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:01:21 > 0:01:24# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Meadows! What on Earth's going on?!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34New inmate, sir! Her breakfast was one minute late,
0:01:34 > 0:01:35so she threw a wobbly.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And the corn flakes!
0:01:38 > 0:01:42All right! Stop that, or you're toast!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45WAH-WAH
0:01:45 > 0:01:48To be perfectly honest, you asked for that, Frank.
0:01:48 > 0:01:49I did, sir, yes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Right, I think she's out of ammo, I'm going in!
0:01:54 > 0:01:55OK, hands up!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Da-da-da-daa...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02This is her, Guv.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Da-da-da-daa...- Hilda Baton,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07serving three years for taking a bow that didn't belong to her.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10She's an all-round pain in the piccolo!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Hilda, hold it!
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Hold what exactly?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Your hat? This pot plant?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Da-da-da-daa...
0:02:20 > 0:02:21See what I mean?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24All right, Meadows, let me handle this.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I am, after all, the calm voice of experience.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29All right, Baton, have you got a second?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Of course.- Right.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- You see the thing is... - Da-da-da-daa...- Oi!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You asked for a second.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I believe that was actually 1.5 seconds. You can owe me.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Oh, just one, sir. Just one.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Da-da-da-daa... - Frank, leave it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Polish your pepper spray! I'll deal with this.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Now, you are an irritating know-it-all.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49- I know.- Precisely!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I think you're the most annoying inmate
0:02:51 > 0:02:53we've ever had in The Slammer.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55And can I remember Snorting Stevens!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58HE SNORTS
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Now, for all our sakes, we need for you to be released.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I've chosen three acts for today's Freedom Show.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05The fourth act will be you.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08And trust me, we'll all be wishing you and your orchestra
0:03:08 > 0:03:10the very best of luck!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Now, get rehearsing!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Very well, Governor.
0:03:14 > 0:03:15I shall oblige
0:03:15 > 0:03:19and perform in your little "show".
0:03:19 > 0:03:21But there is one thing.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I don't have an orchestra.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25BULLET RICOCHETING
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Da-da-da-daa...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30ALL: Shut up!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32See, Guv, I told you people would be crying out
0:03:32 > 0:03:35to join our new Slammer Symphony Orchestra.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Yes, but we've only got a minute
0:03:37 > 0:03:39before they realise we've run out of free orange pop!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41BATON TAPS AND CLEARS HER THROAT
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Where are your instruments?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Ah, yes, about that.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57You see, we don't have any actual instruments,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00so we thought they could just maybe just, um, mime!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02What do you people think this is?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04A social club? A holiday camp?!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07To be perfectly honest, it can be a bit like a holiday camp,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09- can't it Frank?- It can, sir.- Shh!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12They are in my orchestra now. And that means two words...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Orange pop?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Hard work.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17An orchestra needs...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21discipline, timing, control.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24They can't create great music by pretending!
0:04:24 > 0:04:28So go and find them some real instruments,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30or I won't be performing in your show!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Well, don't just stand there gawping! You heard what she said.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Get looking. There must be some old instruments
0:04:37 > 0:04:39lying around somewhere. Come on! D'oh!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40D'oh!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Oh!
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh...
0:04:48 > 0:04:49Could this be an instrument?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Oh, well, let me have a look, Meadows.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Of course not, you idiot. It's for draining veg!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00That's it!
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Meadows, you're supposed to be cooking up an orchestra,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05not a turnip hash!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08In the Academy, they always told us to use our imaginations.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And I'm telling you to use well-worn, humdrum procedure!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16The Slammer Vegetable Orchestra?!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And the brilliant thing is, if they play five pieces a day,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25it's really good for them!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Well, I suppose it's the only idea we've got.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Just make sure you wash those instruments thoroughly!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Baton's not going to like this!
0:05:33 > 0:05:34I'm not going to like what?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36ALL: Nothing!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Keep her locked up till the last minute,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42and do everything you can to make sure that orchestra sound amazing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Don't worry, sir, they'll be full of beans.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Runner beans, mainly.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Right, how do I look?
0:05:47 > 0:05:48BOTH: Peachy, sir!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Thank you very much. In that case, it's show time!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Now, "peas" welcome your host
0:06:05 > 0:06:08with a super-tasty Freedom Show, suitable for vegetarians...
0:06:08 > 0:06:10COW MOOS AND GUNSHOT
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It's the Governor!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Who's the Governor?
0:06:29 > 0:06:32ALL: You're the Governor!
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Oh, my little jailors and jailbirds,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36it's great to see you for another sensational Freedom Show.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Are you ready for this, yes?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40ALL: YES!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44We've got performing prisoners, each hoping to earn your vote
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and go free at the end of the show.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And what acts we've got for you locked up in the Slammer today.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52We've got acts like Amanda Sandow. Woo!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Very high up. We've got a really fascinating act called Chris Cross.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05And musical madness from The Slammer Vegetable Orchestra!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09But first we've got an act hoping to earn your vote
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and go free today. Will they be good enough?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Let's see as we welcome Chris & Wes!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17CHEERING
0:07:25 > 0:07:28MUSIC: "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson
0:08:21 > 0:08:22MUSIC SLOWS
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Chris, hold on, hold on!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Hold on!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30BANGING AND CRASHING
0:08:30 > 0:08:32CAT SNARLS
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Woo!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35See?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I thought we could show them a different side to Chris & Wes.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42MOODY GRIME MUSIC
0:08:51 > 0:08:53AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:09:00 > 0:09:01CHEERING
0:09:01 > 0:09:05MUSIC: "Move Your Feet" by Junior Senior
0:09:30 > 0:09:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Well, well!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Oh, hey! Chris & Wes...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Chris & Wes, there. Hey, I could join them.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I could throw a few shapes, couldn't I?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Yeah, mostly circles!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45But they were marvellous, weren't they?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48But will they be getting hippity-hop going free
0:09:48 > 0:09:51or staying for porridge, ploppity-plop?
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Let's find out with Mr Burgess. - Take that hat off, sir.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Well, Chris & Wes.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Good for hanging about shopping centres
0:09:59 > 0:10:01or putting on at the London Palladium, sir?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05They were fantastic. They were the best dance act I've ever seen.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06What did you think of that act, sir?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10I think they were hilarious and had awesome moves.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12I wish I knew how to do them.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Sum that act up for me in your best dictive voice, sir, now.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Awesome!- Awesome, sir!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, still lots of sensational acts
0:10:20 > 0:10:22to come here on the Freedom Show!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Now, onto our next performing prisoner act,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29and before I introduce her, I just want to say one thing -
0:10:29 > 0:10:33do not ever try any of what you're about to see at home, all right?
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- She's highly trained, she's marvellous...- Hiya, excuse me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Can I borrow that?- Yes.- Thanks!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43She's serving five years of a "suspended" sentence.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45And you'll see why
0:10:45 > 0:10:49when you welcome the high-flying antics of Amanda Sandow!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:33 > 0:12:35CHEERING
0:12:51 > 0:12:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Wow, what a sensational act!
0:13:00 > 0:13:01But let me say one thing -
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Amanda is a highly-trained acrobat with years of experience.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Don't ever try it. Well, she was sensational, I think you'll agree.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Did she do enough to swing her way out of the Slammer?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Miss, Amanda Sandow, tell us all about it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Come on, quick!- She was incredible.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23It was so good I'm practically speechless. She was very flexible.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28It was amazing. At first I thought it was just going on...
0:13:28 > 0:13:29A bit like you.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Thanks (!)
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Sir, your views on Amanda Sandow, please.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I've got one question for her, it's three letters -
0:13:37 > 0:13:38how? How does she do that?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42One final word, sum that act up for me, sir!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Amazing!- Amazing, sir.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Well, your valued views on Amanda Sandow, there.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51So you see Hilda, the only solution was...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54vegetables! Ta-daaa!
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I think...
0:14:00 > 0:14:04..this the most magnificent thing I've ever seen!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Wait until you see your new baton!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Oh!- Hmm!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12This is the part of the Slammer Freedom Show that we call
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Solitary Confinement!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18SCREAMING
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No, Uncle Wilfred, not the pickled eggs!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Yes, the part of the show where we let some of the performing prisoners
0:14:25 > 0:14:26that are too naughty to be let out
0:14:26 > 0:14:28with all the other prisoners perform.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31We give them a chance to have a little go at a show.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34If they do well, they get a treat, but if they don't do well,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36they get a cruel and unusual punishment.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Now, today, the treat is, if they get the thumbs-up,
0:14:39 > 0:14:41they get a nice bottle of eye lotion.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Yeah, quite dusty in the Slammer. Bit of eye lotion, lovely.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46But if they don't do well, thumbs down,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48it's a cruel and unusual punishment.
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Mr Burgess?- Sir!- What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Today, sir, I've simply got written,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58"sack", "catapult" and "outer space", sir.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Oh, dear! Well, we need a judge
0:14:59 > 0:15:02for the Solitary Confinement act, Mr Burgess.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04I think this young lady here looks like she might make
0:15:04 > 0:15:06rather a good judge. Up you come, miss.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Round of applause for this young lady, please.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11How do you do? Yes, and what is your name, please?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- May.- May, what a lovely name. The month of May.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- We need the Wig of Justice. - The Wig of Justice, sir.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And of course, the Thumb of Fate.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Have you got a thumb?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Hold it up. That's good, yes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26You're going to decide thumbs up or thumbs down, as we meet this
0:15:26 > 0:15:29performing prisoner act that we call Solitary Confinement.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34They go under the name of Mr Extreme!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41I am the man they call Mr Extreme.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Donald Extreme.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44I can read minds.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48That's very rude, madam. Very rude indeed.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50And I can do magic!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Now, you will have seen magicians pull rabbits out of a hat.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58But have you ever seen a magician pull hats out of a rabbit?
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Meet my assistant, Hoppity.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03There was a cloth over my face and I woke up here.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06You are about to find out why he is called Hoppity,
0:16:06 > 0:16:09as I pull hats from a rabbit!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I feel most unwell.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- Brace yourself, Hoppity.- Why?
0:16:13 > 0:16:14SQUELCHING
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh, you might have warmed your hands!
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Oh! Oh!- Hat number one!
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- See what else we can find. - Hat number one?!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- How many hats are there? - More than one.- Oh!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26SQUELCHING AUDIENCE: Ewww!
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- It's in the ribcage!- Oh, oh! That's my tonsils! Ah!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Christmas has come early!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- And hat number three, finally. - Oh, I like the sound of that.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- It's a crown. - Oh, I don't like the sound of that!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40- SQUELCHING - Oh!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Oh, that's spiky! I should have listened to my mum!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45She said, "Have a career in cosmetics testing."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Now I have three hats. But where should I put them?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50A hat rack!
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Oh!- One hat rack.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Three hats.
0:16:56 > 0:16:57And one very happy rabbit.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Come on, what do you think?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05BOOING
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Well, I don't know. There's in solitary confinement,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I sometimes think that's the best place for them.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Well, here's our judge,
0:17:11 > 0:17:15and remember, thumbs up - something nice for the eye.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Thumbs down - off to Alpha Centauri.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Here we go, your time starts now.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Oh, thumbs up! How lovely!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32How lovely. Well, very surprising result there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Give them a round of applause, then. Fair dos, they've won it.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36BOOING
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Unfortunately, judge, you've got to give the wig back,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42but nobody leaves empty-handed, I say, nobody leaves empty handed!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46They often wish they did, because they get a lovely signed photo
0:17:46 > 0:17:48of the Governor, and what child
0:17:48 > 0:17:50wouldn't be thrilled to receive that?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53That's for you to take away and a big round of applause
0:17:53 > 0:17:56and that's Solitary Confinement!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, Mr Burgess, thank you very much indeed.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- Ha!- It's time to carry on now with the rest of the Freedom Show.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Now, jailers and jailbirds, we've got a most unusual act.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09He's a sort of escapologist and if you've ever tried to keep
0:18:09 > 0:18:13an escapologist in prison, believe you me, it's very difficult.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Would you please welcome him as he tries one more time?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It's Chris Cross!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Boys and girls, that's right, my name is Chris Cross.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I'm a contortionist and escapologist.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I'm going to show you something really dangerous.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's a death-defying stunt, boys and girls.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'm going to stand right here on the platform,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43right on top of this trap door right here.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I'm going to be chained up and handcuffed.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Now, if I don't get out of the chains and handcuffs
0:18:47 > 0:18:50and jump down onto this crash mat from way up there,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53then the trap door opens and I'll plunge
0:18:53 > 0:18:55onto these solid steel spikes.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I could really hurt myself.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58If you want to see it, boys and girls, say "yeah!"
0:18:58 > 0:19:01AUDIENCE: YEAH!
0:19:01 > 0:19:04What is wrong with you?! Mr Burgess, if you please...
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I'm going to try and beat my personal best record
0:19:08 > 0:19:09at escaping from this.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Here we go, OK.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Get it nice and tight, there. Solid steel handcuffs.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Perfect, Mr Burgess, perfect.
0:19:15 > 0:19:21Now, for 15 metres of solid steel chain, boys and girls.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26- Mr Burgess, padlock number one, if you please.- Padlock number one, lad.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Stick that in there like that. That's in. And the key's locked.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30The keys are in my pocket.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Now, gentlemen, if you want to walk around, make it nice and tight.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Make the chain really tight on me.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Go for it. On the right leg, under the left leg.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Let's make this a real tight, real genuine challenge.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- And over the shoulders. - Nice and tight, boys.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45I think you've given me a wedgie.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Good job. All right, there we go. That's perfect. Thank you very much.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50OK, up the steps.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Here we go.- Get him up.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You've got 45 seconds, starting now!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58MUSIC: PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN THEME SONG
0:20:00 > 0:20:01I think I might be stuck.
0:20:08 > 0:20:1115 seconds gone - start the clock!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Bit of encouragement, boys and girls!
0:20:18 > 0:20:19CHEERING
0:20:22 > 0:20:2315 seconds left.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28ALL: Ten! Nine!
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Eight! Seven!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Six! Five!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Four! Three!
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Two!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Yes! Come on! Everybody!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Well, there we are. Chris Cross, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50He's out of it there. He got out of his chains.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52But will he get out of the Slammer?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Better find out with his assistant, Mr Burgess.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- What did you make of it?- Ouch!
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Well, yes. That puts it rather well.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02What did you think of Chris Cross?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05It was a bit of a shock when we got down to three
0:21:05 > 0:21:07and it was just like afiach.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Is that Welsh?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Yes.- What does it mean in English? - Disgusting.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Could you describe that act for me in Welsh, please?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19SHE SPEAKS WELSH
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Yep.- One final word.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Sum that act up for me, miss.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Er...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Yeah, that'll do.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33"Er..."
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Well, jailers and jailbirds, one more performing prisoner act to go.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- 30 seconds, orchestra.- Very well.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Players, this is it. Asparagus,
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I want lots of bite on the high notes.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Carrots, keep it loose. Radishes, not too much wind.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55Now, I don't normally get emotional at times like this.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And I'm not about to start now!
0:21:59 > 0:22:00So get moving!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Vegetable Orchestra!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Shall we take an A?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23THEY TUNE UP
0:22:28 > 0:22:31THEY PLAY "SOUL BOSSA NOVA" BY QUINCY JONES
0:23:20 > 0:23:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:23 > 0:23:27There they are, the Slammer Vegetable Orchestra
0:23:27 > 0:23:30with Miss Baton in the lead there, ladies and gentlemen.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Were they the cream of the crop?
0:23:32 > 0:23:33Or have they lost the plot?
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Let's find out, with Mr Burgess.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Right, Miss, what did you make of our very own Slammer Orchestra?
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I thought it was very fun
0:23:42 > 0:23:46because you usually don't use vegetables for music and stuff.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You usually use it for eating.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Do you think they should be let free?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Yeah, definitely.- Why?
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Because it was unusual but it sounded really good.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59And for one final word, miss, sum that act up for me.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- Fabulous.- Fabulous, sir.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Well, jailers and jailbirds, there they are -
0:24:04 > 0:24:07the four performing prisoner acts, all hoping to go free.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Let's welcome them all back onto the stage!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Chris & Wes,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Amanda Sandow,
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Chris Cross
0:24:15 > 0:24:19and the fabulous Slammer Vegetable Orchestra.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Well, there they come. So, who's it going to be?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Well, a very, very popular popping act.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28Will you please make some noise, jailers and jailbirds,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31for Chris & Wes?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33SCREAMING AND CHEERING
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Have they finished, Meadows?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Yes, they have - a great score, 83.7.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Puts them into the lead,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46but of course, they're the first act.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48The next act, what did you think about Amanda Sandow?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Will she go free? Let's hear it for her now, please.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54SCREAMING AND CHEERING
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Oh, Amanda - I think you could still be with us a teatime,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04because in the lead, still, it's Chris & Wes.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06But 74.7, a good score.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Right, well, the next act - he was an escapologist,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12he was sensational, he was Chris Cross!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15SCREAMING AND CHEERING
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Up into the greens, there.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23There we are, Meadows, look at that - 72.6.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25He's in third, second place Amanda Sandow.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Still in the lead, bopping and popping away,
0:25:28 > 0:25:29it's Chris & Wes.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31They could be going free.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Only one performing prisoner act could pip them at the post.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Led by their conductor, the wonderful Ms Baton herself,
0:25:39 > 0:25:44what did you think of the fantastic Slammer Vegetable Orchestra?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47SCREAMING AND CHEERING
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh - I'm afraid you didn't reach the top notes.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You got 71.3 - that means you're staying with us,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57but the winners are going free.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59From the Freedom Show and the Slammer,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02it's Chris & Wes!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Go on, lads, off you go.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Go on, you're free! You're free to go.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Take them, take them - give them a big cheer!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Go, lads, go - give them a big cheer.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13They don't want to go!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That's good news for Chris & Wes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- The bad news is that you're staying in the Slammer. Mr Burgess.- Sir!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You know, I can't bear to hear it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I can't bear for you to say "Sloppy, ploppy porridge".
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I'm sick of hearing sloppy, ploppy porridge.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- It's always sloppy, ploppy porridge. - All right, sir.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34For those of you who don't want to hear the results
0:26:34 > 0:26:36of tonight's supper, look away now.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Oh, very funny, Mr Burgess.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Right, go on, get them back to the cells.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Give them a big cheer, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47There they are - Amanda, Chris Cross and the Vegetable Orchestra.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Sloppy, ploppy porridge for tea - when will it ever end?
0:26:50 > 0:26:51I don't know.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Well, jailers and jailbirds,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56that's it for another Freedom show here at the Slammer,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59but I hope you'll join us again soon for more fun in The Slammer,
0:26:59 > 0:27:04and remember - if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06ALL: Don't do the crime!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08See you all again soon.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Take care, my little jailers and jailbirds. God bless you!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Bye, everybody, bye-bye!
0:27:33 > 0:27:38# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer! #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40JAZZY TUNE PLAYS
0:27:52 > 0:27:55DANCE TUNE STARTS PLAYING
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd