0:00:02 > 0:00:07My name is Hugo Tenderhorn and I am the world's greatest liar.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09- ECHO:- Greatest liar!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Raised by pygmy monks in Hartlepool...
0:00:11 > 0:00:14I am the identical twin brother of Justin Bieber.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20Prisoner 715 34 forward slash B,
0:00:20 > 0:00:23your three years of solitary confinement are over.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Can you please confirm your name?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Alfonso Trombone the Third!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Here we go again.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35HOOTER BLOWS
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# So welcome to the Slammer Where you've got to serve your time
0:00:45 > 0:00:49# There's every type of minstrel, entertainer - what a feast!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:53 > 0:00:57# So call everybody and bring them to the Slammer
0:00:57 > 0:01:02# And come and show your act With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:01:02 > 0:01:07# Your fate is in their hands So make them cheer and clamour
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# It's the only way you'll ever leave the Slammer
0:01:09 > 0:01:14- # Leave the Slammer - # It's the only way You'll ever leave the Slammer! #
0:01:18 > 0:01:21You will not believe the Freedom Show we have for you this week.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23There's the Harper Brothers.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Unicycle Guru.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Sebastian Walton.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31CHEERING
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Come in! Ah!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37The nerve centre! Ha-ha!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41GLASS SMASHING
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Excuse me, Hello. You may remember me.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I'm Hugo Tenderhorn, the world's greatest liar.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Now, I need your help.- Sure. - You see, I've got these letters...
0:01:59 > 0:02:01What do you want us to do?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03I want you to... Mm!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I want you to... Ohhh!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I want you to stick wet salmon in your armpits.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10No, it's a lie! I'm sorry. It's a lie. Oh!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Oh, hello. I'm Hugo.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17I'm trying to find someone I've been corresponding with whilst I've been in solitary.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Oh, yes. And what is their name?
0:02:19 > 0:02:20Their name is... Mmm!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Their... Spoonella McTrifle!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26No, it's a fib! I'm sorry, no. Please don't ask me any questions.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30No. I'm looking for a woman called Lydia Starshine.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Why?- Why?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Because... Mm-hmm-mm!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Because... Because she washes her hair with cheese!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40No, I'm sorry, no. Please don't! No...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Oh! Oh, dear.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Excuse me!
0:02:43 > 0:02:47So how do you respond to accusations that this prison is badly run,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50it lacks discipline, the food is rotten
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and it's generally a waste of tax payer's money?
0:02:53 > 0:02:57You know, David, I've worked tirelessly for many years
0:02:57 > 0:03:00to make this place the most successful showbiz prison in the country.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But the proof is in the pudding, so let's talk pudding.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We're like the custard on the pudding...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07That didn't go very well. Can we start again?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- No, no, no. Keep going.- Well... - Why don't you come this way, sir?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Yes. Come along. I'll show you around, Frank.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Walk this way, sir.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Come along, sir.- Out the door, here.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21GOVERNOR CHATTERING AWAY
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- This is where the Freedom Show takes place.- Sir, sir, sir!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- Yes?- Can I...?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Now, let's not be hasty. There's lots of inmates to talk to.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Take your time. Have a look round. - I want to talk to him.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32Oh, excellent choice.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34But I think you'd be much more interested
0:03:34 > 0:03:37in our Brazilian dancer, Fenella from the Favela.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42- She's good her, isn't she?- I really want to talk to this inmate.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45If you must. I knew having you lot in would be trouble.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Excuse me, sir. Would you tell me, please, is this a good prison?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Mm...Mm... This is the greatest prison since the dawn of man.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55See what I mean? Now come along.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Since early life forms joined hand in hand and walked down Wimbledon High Street.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Since the Apollo missions were powered solely by fish paste.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Now...- Since David Hasselhoff... - Right that's enough. Mr Burgess?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yeah, a pleasure, sir.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08If you wouldn't mind coming this way, sir?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11There's a little discussion we need to have.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- But I haven't finished. - Oh, you're finished, all right, lad.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You're finished all right.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- All right. Keep moving, lad. - But Mr Burgess, I have to find Lydia.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- We've written hundreds of letters to each other.- Go in, get in there!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- We're in love!- Shut up! - Aarggh!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:04:40 > 0:04:42# And, yes...
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Yes, Lydia!
0:04:45 > 0:04:50- # You'll be the only one - LYDIA: # You'll be the only one!
0:04:50 > 0:04:56BOTH: # Cos no-one can deny
0:04:56 > 0:05:00# This love I have inside
0:05:00 > 0:05:05# And I'll give it all to you
0:05:06 > 0:05:08# My love
0:05:08 > 0:05:15- # My love - # My endless love! #
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I have to find Lydia.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25KNOCKING
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I really shouldn't be doing this
0:05:29 > 0:05:32but I think there's someone you might like to meet.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37DOOR OPENING
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Lydia!
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Oh, Lydia. I never thought this moment would come.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh, you're everything I imagined you would be.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Really? Do you really mean that?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Whoa!
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Of course I do.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54But you're the world's greatest liar!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I am not! These flip-flops are made of steak and kidney pie!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- D'oh!- I think this is going to be a problem.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02No, no, it's not a problem, Lydia, unless you ask me a question.
0:06:02 > 0:06:07Otherwise I am free to tell you what an enchanting and beautiful woman you are.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Ooh! Do you really think so?
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Absolutely not. You're a pig in a frock.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- Oh!- It's a lie! It's a lie! You see, that was a question.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter?
0:06:18 > 0:06:21How's it ever going to work?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Well, it's already working. - Is it?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Are you lying? - Yes. I mean, no.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I mean... Oh, I don't know! I'm confused. I...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Oh! Oh, no, no, no, Lydia. Lydia, don't cry.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Look, I tell you what.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Why don't you sing one of those songs you've told me about in your letters?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Really? Do you want to hear me sing?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- I... - Best not answer.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Ahem.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51DEEP BASS VOICE # Swing low
0:06:51 > 0:06:54# Sweet chariot
0:06:54 > 0:06:59# Coming for to carry me home... # GLASS SMASHING
0:06:59 > 0:07:02...with the shiniest hair in the whole of Manchester...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- You know? - # Swing!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- What is that? - # ..sweet chariot...
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Finally something interesting! Come on! - ALARM BELL RINGING
0:07:08 > 0:07:10# ..coming for to carry me home! #
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- It's just there.- All right, sir. It's Tenderhorn's cell, sir.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- What's going on here?- We're having a secret romantic meeting.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Hang on - isn't he supposed to lie?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Does that mean they are having a secret meeting or not?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- What question did you ask again, sir? - I said...
0:07:26 > 0:07:29- I didn't lie! Lydia. I'm cured.- Oh!
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- That's enough of all this, you two. - But I didn't lie, I tell you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Oh, very exciting! Let's call it a night, shall we?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38No, no, no! Lydia! Ask me any question.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Er... Do you want to get married?
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I... I...
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I'd love to sit in a bath of spaghetti hoops!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- What?!- Oh, I thought as much. - No, no! But I'm cured!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Wishful thinking, laddie, wishful thinking.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50No, no, don't take me away.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- No! No!!- Shall we go?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But I still don't understand why he was cured for a moment.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59What was different?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- But it doesn't make sense. - HOOTER SOUNDING
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Surely you'd want to stay here with Lydia.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I can't bear it, sir. I can never be truthful with her.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09I think it's best we stay apart.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Put me in the Freedom Show so I can get out of this place.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Are you sure about this? - Absolutely not.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh! Well, I suppose I have no choice.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- How do I look? - You look divine.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- Oh!- In that case, it's show time!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:08:31 > 0:08:34where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Now, please welcome your host, a magical talking tiger called Martin.
0:08:39 > 0:08:43He's got a brand-new fridge-freezer for every single one of you!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44I'm sorry, that was a lie.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- It's the Governor! - BAND PLAYS, AUDIENCE CHEERING
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- Who's the Governor? - You're the Governor!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Oh, my jailers and jailbirds, welcome to another Freedom Show,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12where you decide who gets set free from the Slammer.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14What wonderful acts we've got for you today.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And a bit special today.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19We've got a TV crew in with us, in case you're wondering what the smell is.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23But on with the Freedom Show. Well, what acts we've got!
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We've got Unicycle Guru!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- Oh, yes! - AUDIENCE OOHS
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And we've got the magical skills of Sebastian Walton.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- Ooh! - He'll amaze you.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And the wonderful Hugo Tenderhorn!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37WHOOPING
0:09:37 > 0:09:41But right now, jailers and jailbirds, the first performing prisoner act.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They're brothers, they're the Harper Brothers.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47They're serving five years in the Slammer because the judge looked at their act and said,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"Oh, brother, you're going to jail."
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Will you please welcome the Riverdance as you've never seen or heard it before
0:09:52 > 0:09:54with the Harper Brothers!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:03- Come on, guys!- Come on, guys! - Come on, come on, come on.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06IRISH MUSIC
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Look! Jump! Look at that!
0:10:12 > 0:10:17Whoo! Check me out! Come on!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Come on, now, son!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32- GROANING - I'm in trouble, here. I'm in trouble.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- MUSIC STOPS Stop! Stop!- What's up with you, man?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I think I broke me bum.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- What do you mean, you broke your bum?- I don't know. There's a crack right up it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45What are you doing? What are you doing?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48You! That dancing's old-fashioned.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50That were the Riverdance! That was it.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Look at them. You know what they want?- What?
0:10:53 > 0:10:55They want modern music.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They don't want your old-fashioned Riverdancing music.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01That's ridiculous. You're ridiculous, that's what you are.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- I'll prove you wrong. - I'll leave it with you. - I'll prove you wrong.- Modern.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- I'll prove you wrong. - Watch this.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- Rewind the track. - TAPE REWINDS
0:11:09 > 0:11:13Let's make it like Glastonbury. I want to see everybody clap their hands.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Let's do the proper Riverdance. Come on, everybody, let's do it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- RIVERDANCE MUSIC - Come on!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Oh!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26RAP MUSIC
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- What's that? - Yo!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Yo! Check it out, man!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Hit it!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Yo! - What are you doing, man?
0:11:41 > 0:11:42MUSIC STOPS
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- What are you doing? - I'm getting down with the kids, that's what I'm doing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Getting down with the kids? - Getting down with the kids.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54- Check your bother out. - Yeah! Look at you!- Mr Modern!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- In fact, check your pocket.- Right. - Check it.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- All right. I've got glasses. - Put them on.- Put them on?- Yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- OK.- Right, look at your audience. - I can't see them.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- It doesn't matter. You know what they want?- What?- Modern music. - Modern music?- Look and learn.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Watch me. Here we go.- I'm watching.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10MUSIC: "I'm Shuffling"
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- Oh! - CHEERING
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yeah! Come on!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I like it!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Yeah? Are you ready? Check it out. Go!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Whoo!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Every day I'm shuffling. #
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Yes! - CHEERING
0:12:37 > 0:12:41No! What's up with it? What's up with it?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Well, the Harper Brothers doing the Riverdance.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48But at the end of the day will they be dancing or will they be thrown in the river?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Right, the Harper Brothers. Bit of old-time variety.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- What did you make of that, Miss? - I thought they were amaze-ballish.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- Amaze-ballish?- Yeah. - That's a mouthful.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02They call that kind of humour knockabout humour.
0:13:02 > 0:13:07- Did it knock you out? - I thought it was really funny and it was epic at the end.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- Did they make you laugh?- A lot.- How did you laugh when you watched them?
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:13:11 > 0:13:13KIDS LAUGH
0:13:13 > 0:13:17A final word. Sum that act up for me, please.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Funny.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Funny, sir.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23That's the Harper Brothers. Will they be going free?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25You'll find out at the end of the show.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Onto the next performing prisoner. A unique act.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31A cycling act. In fact, a unicycle act.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Doing 14 years in the Slammer for recycling other people's acts.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome the Unicycle Guru!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41CHEERING
0:13:47 > 0:13:50GROOVY SOUL MUSIC
0:14:02 > 0:14:04CHEERING
0:14:30 > 0:14:32CHEERING
0:14:47 > 0:14:50CHEERING
0:14:59 > 0:15:01CHEERING
0:15:07 > 0:15:09CHEERING
0:15:16 > 0:15:17WHOOPING
0:15:21 > 0:15:23WHOOPING
0:15:39 > 0:15:42WHOOPING
0:15:50 > 0:15:52WHOOPING
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Oh! Give a big cheer! Hooray!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Unicycle Guru. Well, will it be tea for two at home
0:16:09 > 0:16:12or staying here for sloppy ploppy porridge?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- Let's find out with Mr Burgess. - Right, man on a bike lobbing crockery.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19- Any good?- It was, like, extravagant.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22- Why?- Because I thought he was going to fall off but he didn't.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Three bicycle tyres, one on top of the other. Could you do that?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27No. I thought it was spectacular
0:16:27 > 0:16:32how he could balance all those while cycling on the three wheels.
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Now, then, sir, sum that act up for me in one final word. Wait for it.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Now!- Amusing.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Yeah. It was really, wasn't it? Amusing, sir.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Right, well, that's what you thought of Unicycle Guru
0:16:45 > 0:16:47but it's now time, jailers and jailbirds,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50for the act that we call Solitary Confinement!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Oh! Ooh! - DOOMY MUSIC
0:16:53 > 0:16:57No, Uncle Norris, not a pickled gherkin again!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Yes, the acts that are too bad and too naughty to be let out.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02We let them have a little perform
0:17:02 > 0:17:05and if they do well, they get a treat, jailers and jailbirds,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09and today's treat is, well, at tea, they get a couple of extra courses to eat.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12They get a bowl of soup and some cheese and biscuits.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- It's nice that, if you're a bit peckish. Two extra courses. - AUDIENCE OOHS
0:17:15 > 0:17:18But if they don't do well and if they get the thumbs down,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21well, it's a cruel and unusual punishment.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Mr Burgess?- Sir!- What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Today, sir, they will be stuffed into a sack
0:17:28 > 0:17:32and catapulted into outer space, sir.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- We need a judge, Mr Burgess. - We do indeed, sir.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- Somebody of discernment. - Who'd like to come and be my judge?
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Sir, step this way. - Round of applause, please.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- Up you go, sir.- He looks very wise, Mr Burgess.- Absolutely, sir.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Hello, sir. Your name, please? - Elliot.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Elliot, you are today's judge.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Mr Burgess, please apply... - The wig of justice, sir.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51The wig of justice. Looking very good indeed.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52And have you got a thumb?
0:17:52 > 0:17:57You'll need that later to decide whether it's thumbs up or thumbs down.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00But right now it's time for the Solitary Confinement act
0:18:00 > 0:18:04and today it's Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07DOOMY MUSIC
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:18:12 > 0:18:17My name is Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I am sure many of you are familiar with fire walking
0:18:20 > 0:18:25and I'm sure you're all wondering, is it possible
0:18:25 > 0:18:29to walk across a row of bad tomatoes?
0:18:29 > 0:18:34The answer is most definitely yes!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And I'm the man to prove it.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:18:48 > 0:18:51BOOING
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Oh, dear. There we are.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Eh? I don't know where we get them from.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00There we are. Judge Elliot, come back, there.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Well, Steve "Bad Tomatoes". Or was he rotten eggs?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Let's find out now with the judge.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07OK, Elliot, let's see that thumb.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Remember, thumbs up, it's extra courses,
0:19:10 > 0:19:14thumbs down, almost unbearable suborbital G-forces.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17The time starts now.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20AUDIENCE OOHING
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Oh! There we are. Take him off to the catapult.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Marvellous. Unfortunately, you don't keep the wig
0:19:30 > 0:19:34but you get something that everybody wants - a signed photograph of the Governor.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Isn't that wonderful? Give him a big round of applause.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Thank you, Elliot. - There we are.- There we are.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Right, strap him in the sack!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46- RUBBER STRETCHING SOUND - Four, three, two, one...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- zero. - Fire!
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Aarrggghhhh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56There's a rotten tomato in space now. Thank you very much.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Mr Burgess?- Sir!- Continue with the Freedom Show!- Right, sir.- Very good.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01And what a Freedom Show we've got for you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Another sensational act now. He's a magician, a magic act.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Serving 18 months in the Slammer
0:20:06 > 0:20:10for doing the three-card trick with real credit cards,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14jailers and jailbirds, would you please show your appreciation for Sebastian Walton!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Well, hello, there.- Hello!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28For my first trick, I need one of you to join me on stage.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Now, the young lady down here with the pink hairband?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Let's give her a massive round of applause.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37- Hello. What's your name? - My name's Milly.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Milly. Would you like to stand here for me, Milly?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Very good, thanks, Milly.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- I see you have a nice shiny ring on your finger.- Yeah.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Does that come off?- Yeah.
0:20:46 > 0:20:47- It's a very nice ring. Is it silver?- Yes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I'm going to take your ring and place it in the middle of this paper tissue.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56I'm going to fold that once, twice, three, four times.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58- Can you feel it in there?- Yep.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Very good. So it's real silver, right?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02There's only one way to test if it is real silver or not.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'd like to take your ring
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and set it on fire.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Now, if your ring is real silver, then it will vanish and disintegrate into the air.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15CHEERING
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Tell you what, I'll give you something else
0:21:18 > 0:21:20to make up for what I did to your ring. I've got my phone.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Do you want to see my phone? - Yes!- It's ringing now, actually.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Hello?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Let's see what else I've got. I also have an orange.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- I also have a mouldy potato. KIDS:- Ugh!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Which one's your favourite, Milly?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Orange.- The orange. Are you sure?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Shall we eat it now?- Yes. - Let's eat it now.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45I have a knife. I'm going to slowly cut open the orange with the knife.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51And inside the orange, Milly, is...
0:21:52 > 0:21:54My ring?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56No, it's juice. Juice.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00But also... a walnut.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Milly, I don't want to touch the walnut. Can you take that for me, please?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Milly, what do you think is inside the walnut?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- My ring? - Let's have a look.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Place the walnut into the walnut cracker.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Very good. Before I crack open the walnut, I've got a few questions.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Was your ring expensive?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Quite, yes.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21CRACKING NOISE
0:22:21 > 0:22:22Milly, question number two.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Was your ring of great sentimental value?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- Yes, very. - CRACKING
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Put your hand out like this.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'm going to place the cracked walnut onto your hand, Milly.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Now, I can break it up and bit by bit...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40You can actually see there's a ring inside the walnut.
0:22:40 > 0:22:46Milly, in a loud and clear voice, is that your ring?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Yes!- It is!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50CHEERING
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Let's give Milly a massive round of applause.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Thank you very much, Milly. Give it up for Milly, everybody.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59CHEERING
0:23:00 > 0:23:02There we are!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06How on earth did he do that? Sebastian Walton. What an act!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08But at the end of the day, was it a magic spell he cast
0:23:08 > 0:23:10or is he in for a long spell?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Let's find out from Mr Burgess.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Now, then, sir, what did you make of that?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17It was very fabulastic and very entertaining.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What did you think of Sebastian Walton?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Well, I didn't think it was good but I thought it was really good.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Oh, not good - really good.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26And one final word. Sum that act up for me, Miss.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Impressive.- Impressive, sir. Very good, very good.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Well, your views on Sebastian Walton, jailers and jailbirds, all welcomed, all valued.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- SOBBING - But who'll go free? We can't decide until the final act has performed.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It's a very strange act. He's the world's biggest liar
0:23:41 > 0:23:44and he's in the Slammer for 12 years for lying!
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Jailers and jailbirds, will you please welcome Hugo Tenderhorn!
0:23:48 > 0:23:50CHEERING
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Hugo Tenderhorn.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01I am the world's greatest liar.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05How this works is you give me a question
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and I will give you the most ridiculous lie you have ever heard.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Now, without further ado...
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- BAND PLAYS PHRASE - I've still got it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14The first question, please. Anyone.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- Yes, sir?- What's the quickest way to fame and fortune?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Hmm, mm, the quickest way to fame and fortune...
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Take the 410 from Croydon bus depot.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Thank you! - BAND STRIKES UP
0:24:30 > 0:24:35- Next question, please. Yes? - How do you fix a broken phone?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38How do you fix a broken phone? How do you fix a broken phone?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42You give it plenty of rest and steer clear of spicy foods.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- BAND PLAYS - I thank you!
0:24:44 > 0:24:48- I'm on fire. The next question, please! Anyone.- Put your hand up.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51- Yes?- Do you love Lydia?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53GASPING
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Wait!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Come on. It's OK. Follow me.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07LYDIA GASPS
0:25:07 > 0:25:11- Now you can answer. - Yes! Yes, I do love you, Lydia.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- In fact, I want to marry you. - Oh!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19CHEERING
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Hold on, there. By the powers vested in me, the Governor of the Slammer,
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I ask you, Lydia Arthur Starshine,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32do you take Hugo McCracken Tenderhorn to be your lawful wedded husband,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34to have and to hold from this day forth?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- I do! - And what about you, Hugo?
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- I do. - I declare you husband and wife.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Hooray!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Hey, what about the rest of the Freedom Show?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Come on, let's get all the other acts back on board.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51You can have that and we welcome back the Harper Brothers.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Unicycle Guru!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Sebastian Walton!
0:25:56 > 0:26:02And, of course, Hugo Tenderhorn there, with his lovely Lydia.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Well, of course, only one performing prisoner act can go free
0:26:05 > 0:26:09and we normally decide with the help of the Clap-o-meter, don't we, jailers and jailbirds?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12But, you know, there's only one act for me today.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13It's such a special occasion.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Two people who have been absolutely wonderful.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Don't you think those two people should go free?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Yes, Harper Brothers, hop it.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Come back here! Just a little joke - only a tiny little joke.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Jailers and jailbirds, for one show only, going free,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- the newly-weds, Hugo and Lydia! Off you go! You're free!- Thank you!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- You're free! - CHEERING
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- Go on, away you go.- Off you go.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Ah! They're going off for their wedding banquet.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Isn't that wonderful, jailers and jailbirds?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Well, bad news for the rest of you. You're staying.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Mr Burgess?- Sir? - What are we having for tea?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Er, well, it is sloppy ploppy porridge, sir,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55but it's a special wedding breakfast sloppy ploppy porridge.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Wedding breakfast? How is it different?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- Well, it's in tiers, sir. - Oh, in tiers?- Yeah.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Well, you certainly cry when you eat it, sir!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh, get 'em off for some sloppy ploppy porridge.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Give them a big hand, jailers and jailbirds.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07- There they go. There they go. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:09 > 0:27:14Well, that's it for a special wedding Freedom Show, jailers and jailbirds.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16But, as we always say here in the Slammer,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18come back and see us soon and remember,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Don't do the crime!
0:27:23 > 0:27:25And we'll see you soon for more fun on the Freedom Show.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28From the Slammer, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye!
0:27:28 > 0:27:29CHEERING
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd