0:00:02 > 0:00:05'Dear Mum, life was a beach today as we all decided it was time
0:00:05 > 0:00:07'for a good old-fashioned holiday.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10'Sun, sea and seriously dangerous acts!'
0:00:12 > 0:00:14'And of course it was up to us
0:00:14 > 0:00:17'to make sure the Freedom Show ended with a real punch!'
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Get back, you hideous reptile!
0:00:18 > 0:00:22'It all started when I had the best idea ever...'
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# So welcome to The Slammer
0:00:33 > 0:00:35# Where you're going to serve your time
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:40 > 0:00:44# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:44 > 0:00:48# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:00:48 > 0:00:51# And polish off your act
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:53 > 0:00:55# Your fate is in their hands
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:57 > 0:01:01# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:01:01 > 0:01:02# The Slammer
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Ha-ha-ha! Dear, oh, dear!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15A summer holiday, Meadows! Here in The Slammer?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Hee-hee!- Turning The Slammer into a holiday resort?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Worst idea I've ever heard, sir.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23It's the best idea I've ever had!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Exactly what I said, sir, the best idea you've ever had!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Give the inmates a bit of R&R!
0:01:28 > 0:01:30R&R, sir?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Rubber rings and rock!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And you'd both feel the benefit, as well!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Who doesn't like a holiday this time of year?
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I love the seaside! The feel of sand between your toes.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Eating ice cream, building sandcastles, eating ice cream,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45waiting for a donkey ride,
0:01:45 > 0:01:46eating ice cream. Oh, and don't forget,
0:01:46 > 0:01:50a good Punch and Judy show, that's the best bit of all!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, good to see we're not getting too carried away with it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Oh, come on, Mr Burgess! We're on holiday!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Give us a smile!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Yes, Frank! Don't be Mr Grumpy Pumps!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- ANNOUNCER:- Boat number two, your time is up.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Please return to the boat ramp. Thank you.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08There, the finishing touch to Slammer-On-Sea,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11the perfect seaside resort!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13I still don't see why we had to have it indoors.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Are you kidding? This is a British holiday.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Of course it's going to rain.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Frank! Frank!
0:02:20 > 0:02:21Take my picture, Frank!
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Oh, I love the seaside, me!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Ooh! Ha-ha!
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Oh, the smell of fresh sea air, the feeling of sand between my toes,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36the sound of the seagulls overhead...
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Thank you, Meadows. Good attention to detail.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Thank you, sir.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Ooh, look - ice cream!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# Oh, I do love to be beside the sea! #
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No ice cream, sir, the budget didn't stretch that far.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54We've had to freeze some sloppy ploppy porridge.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Froppyslop, sir, that's what I'm calling them.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59But on the plus side, you do get a stick of chocolate in it!
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Here, you have it.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Thanks, sir.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I must say, this whole holiday idea has really cheered up the inmates.
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Look, there's BMX Freestylers scampering in the rock pool.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28There's Black Lace, catching some righteous rays,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31as I believe the young folk call it. Oh! And there's Chuck
0:03:31 > 0:03:34making the biggest sand castle in the history of The Slammer.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- That's not very big, sir. - To be honest, Frank,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40how many sandcastles have we had in the history of The Slammer?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Fair point, sir. - Aren't we missing someone?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Oh, I've booked a Punch and Judy show for the final act.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- You said how much you like them. - Punch and Judy! Oh!
0:03:48 > 0:03:51This day just gets better and better and better!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Oh, look! A hook a duck stall.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Please, Mr Burgess. Can I have a go on hook a duck?
0:03:56 > 0:03:57Please. Hook a duck, Frank!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Hook a duck! Hook a duck! Hook a duck! Please, Frank!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- Go on, then!- Oh, great!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Now, come on, Mr Burgess, you're on holiday too!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Oh, no, I'm not! And you can't make me. It's in my contract.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Don't be Mr Grumpy Pumps again, Frank, come on.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Come to think of it, Frank, have you ever been on holiday?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Once, sir, yeah.
0:04:18 > 0:04:201976 it was.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I was on duty after a particularly heavy lunch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I removed my tie, sir.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I know, sir! Madness, sir! Madness!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I might even have undone my top shirt button,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33for a period not exceeding 20 minutes.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37It was then that I realised
0:04:37 > 0:04:40technically that meant that I'd been on holiday.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43And I didn't like it, sir.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Fancy a swim, Frank?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Do you think it's safe to go swimming so soon after eating, sir?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It's all right, as long as I don't go in out of my depth.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54Be honest, have you ever known me get out of my depth?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Now, I'm having such a great time!
0:04:56 > 0:04:59All I need is that Punch and Judy from the Freedom Show.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You not joining me, Mr Burgess? Don't go in the deep end.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Oh, and no piddling.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Right, Mr Burgess, iiiit's...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- Just one thing, sir. - What's that, Frank?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Shouldn't you get changed first, sir?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Oh! Yes.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Because it's showtime!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Now please welcome your host,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30you know he's only in it cos he's hot right now!
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Eh-oh! Eh-oh! It's The Governor!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Who's the Governor?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54You're the Governor!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Oh, my little jailers and jailbirds! It's wonderful to see you
0:05:58 > 0:06:00at the seaside. Give us a cheer!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02CHEERING
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Oh, yes. We've brought the seaside into The Slammer today
0:06:05 > 0:06:08for some fun and games for our Freedom Show,
0:06:08 > 0:06:09and what a Freedom Show we've got.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12You'll decide who's the winner and who'll go free at the end.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14We've got wonderful acts. We've got Chuck!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18We've got Black Lace!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21And we've got Punch and Judy!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I can see you're excited, jailers and jailbirds.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28So, let's get straight on with it with an act that have been
0:06:28 > 0:06:30practising in The Slammer for ages.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33They've worn out their tyres almost in an effort to get free
0:06:33 > 0:06:35on the Freedom Show today.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Will you please show your appreciation for BMX Freestylers!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Let's hear it for them, yes!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Let's hear it for them, jailers and jailbirds!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54The Freestylers, yeah!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, they were great freestylers,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01but have they done enough to earn their freedom?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06BMX Freestylers there.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09But were they, sir, or were they just a couple of lads showing off?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Well, safety-wise it was rubbish cos they had no brakes,
0:09:13 > 0:09:19but coming from the point of a kid like me, well...
0:09:19 > 0:09:23you've just got to love their style and speed and, well,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25just that, really.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- What IS a kid like you, sir? - I'm awesome!- Yes.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Could you tell me all about the BMX Freestylers?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It was fantastic.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35They obviously need to be set free.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Right, sum that act up for me in just one word.- Fabuliscious.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Fabuliscious, sir!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Well, that's what you thought of the Freestylers.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44They may be pedalling out of here,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47but before that we've got some more acts to see.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50A great Freedom Show here at the seaside...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Is the Punch and Judy man here yet?
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Not yet, but I'm sure they'll be here soon.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Won't be much of a seaside special without the final act, is it, hmm?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's upwards and onwards with our show.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05The next act, I can't describe him,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09really, except he's very poppy, he's very visual and he's serving
0:10:09 > 0:10:13seven years here in The Slammer, and he really wants to get out today.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Will he do it? Let's find out as you chuck loads of applause at Chuck!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:25 > 0:10:27SONG: "Hot Right Now" by DJ Fresh ft. Rita Ora
0:10:27 > 0:10:29# Get your hands up cos you think you've got it
0:10:29 > 0:10:31# Going crazy, we're not even started
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh
0:10:34 > 0:10:36# Eh-oh eh-oh oooh
0:10:36 > 0:10:39# It's so funny that you think you're winning
0:10:39 > 0:10:42# Cos somebody told you who was spinning
0:10:42 > 0:10:45# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# Eh-oh eh-oh oh, yeah
0:10:47 > 0:10:50# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:10:50 > 0:10:51# Hot right now
0:10:51 > 0:10:52# Turn it up right now
0:10:52 > 0:10:56# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now
0:10:56 > 0:10:58# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now
0:10:58 > 0:11:01# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:11:01 > 0:11:02# Hot right now
0:11:02 > 0:11:03# Turn it up right now
0:11:03 > 0:11:07# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now
0:11:15 > 0:11:16# You got the latest place
0:11:16 > 0:11:17# It's on your radar
0:11:17 > 0:11:20# By the time you show your face, it's over
0:11:20 > 0:11:23# Eh-oh eh-oh eh-eh
0:11:23 > 0:11:26# Eh-oh eh-oh oooh
0:11:26 > 0:11:29# You got the magic numbers on your speed dial
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# And you're too busy dropping names, but meanwhile
0:11:34 > 0:11:35# Meanwhile
0:11:35 > 0:11:36# Eh-oh eh-oh oh
0:11:36 > 0:11:39# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:11:39 > 0:11:40# Hot right now
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# Turn it up right now
0:11:42 > 0:11:43# Put your hands in the air
0:11:43 > 0:11:45# If you want it right now
0:11:45 > 0:11:46# Eh-oh eh-oh
0:11:46 > 0:11:47# Hot right now
0:11:47 > 0:11:50# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:11:50 > 0:11:51# Hot right now
0:11:51 > 0:11:53# Turn it up right now... #
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Come on, let's hear it for Chuck!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Oh! Hey, and don't any of you try that at home.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06He's been training for years. Really. Do not try it.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10But let's see if he's going to go free with Mr Burgess.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Right! Chuck. Did he?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17He was really great and I cannot use any more words to describe him.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Have you got lots to say about Chuck, sir?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20All I thought all the way through
0:13:20 > 0:13:23was how much he must've hurt himself.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27But the way he did land and do all the tricks was perfect.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32And for one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- Mind-blowing. - Mind-blowing, sir, thank you.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Well, there we are, jailers and jailbirds.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39That's what you thought of Chuck.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Now, the act that we call Solitary Confinement!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Who shaved that monkey? Yes!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49These are the acts that we don't let out
0:13:49 > 0:13:52because they're too bad to be released into the community.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- 'But we let them...' - Are you sure? Oh, that's terrible!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58And there's nothing you can do?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Right. OK. Thanks. Bye.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04'It's a cruel and unusual punishment.'
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Mr Burgess.- Sir!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Today, sir, it's being rammed in a sack, strapped into a catapult
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and fired off into space, sir.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Well, I think what we need is a judge, Mr Burgess.- We do, sir.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Have you cast your eye upon this crowd?- Who'd like to be our judge?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26This young lady here looks like a fine one for a judge, sir.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Give her a round of applause, please.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Welcome to the Seaside Slammer. On the stage, you're to be the judge.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34What is your name, please, miss?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38- Leigh.- Leigh, very good. Have you got the Wig Of Justice?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I have, sir, the Wig Of Justice goes on there.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Have you got the Thumb Of Fate?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45You'll decide thumbs up or thumbs down.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48As we get ready for the solitary confinement act that we call
0:14:48 > 0:14:52The Man Who Eats His Own Candyfloss Beard!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57AUDIENCE: Booo!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yum, yum!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09AUDIENCE: Booo!
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Yum, yum!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yum, yum!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20The Punch and Judy man swallowed his swazzle, and now he's in swurgery!
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I mean, surgery.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Means we're an act short for the Freedom Show!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I'll think of something. Erm...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27You better had.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31AUDIENCE: Booo!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Oh! Dear, oh, dear. I don't know, that was...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42That was like being kept in detention forever, wasn't it?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Remember, thumbs up, Blackpool Tower,
0:15:45 > 0:15:47thumbs down, launched into the stratosphere
0:15:47 > 0:15:50at 1,347.9 miles per hour.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You've got five seconds to decide with a bit of oohing
0:15:53 > 0:15:54and aahing from the crowd.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Here we go. What's it to be? Your time starts now.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Oh!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Take him away and strap him in! There we are.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Leigh, you've done very well as our judge.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Unfortunately you can't take away the Wig Of Justice,
0:16:13 > 0:16:14that stays here in The Slammer.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17But you do take away what every young person wants.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Yes, a signed photograph of the Governor.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Yes, thank you very much indeed.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Officer Meadows, take her away, please.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- Mr Burgess, would you start the procedure?- I will. Right!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Ram him in the sack!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32'Five, four, three,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34'two, one...
0:16:34 > 0:16:35'Zero.'
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Aaah!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yum, yum!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Off he goes, sir!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43That'll melt his candyfloss. Very good, Mr Burgess.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Continue with the Freedom Show, please.- Thank you, sir!- Very good.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49What a Freedom Show we've got for you.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53Our next act is a wonderful act, and in fact if you ask any grown-up
0:16:53 > 0:16:55that you know about this act, they'll go,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58"Oh, yes, I remember them."
0:16:58 > 0:17:02They're serving 17 years in The Slammer for being Black Lace.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05So please welcome Black Lace!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Hi, kids, come on! Everybody on their feet. It's party time!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16- Let's have a party!- Here we go.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Clap your hands! Come on, everybody!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Come on, kids!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Push pineapple shake a tree
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:17:29 > 0:17:31# Push pineapple grind coffee
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# To the left, to the right
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# Jump up and down and to the knees
0:17:35 > 0:17:36# Come and dance every night
0:17:36 > 0:17:38# Sing with a hula melody
0:17:43 > 0:17:46# I met a hula mistress somewhere in Waikiki
0:17:46 > 0:17:50# Well, she was sellin' pineapple, playin' ukulele
0:17:50 > 0:17:54# And when I went to the girl, "Come on and teach me to sway"
0:17:54 > 0:17:58# She laughed and whispered to me, "Yes, come tonight to the bay"
0:17:58 > 0:18:00# The lovely beach and the sky
0:18:00 > 0:18:02# The moon of Kauai
0:18:02 > 0:18:04# Around calypso sarong
0:18:04 > 0:18:07# We'll all be singin' this song
0:18:07 > 0:18:10# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:10 > 0:18:12# Push pineapple, shake a tree
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:14 > 0:18:16# Push pineapple, grind coffee
0:18:16 > 0:18:18# To the left, to the right
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# Jump up and down and to the knees
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# Come and dance every night
0:18:22 > 0:18:24# Sing with a hula melody
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Push pineapple, shake a tree
0:18:28 > 0:18:30# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:30 > 0:18:32# Push pineapple, grind coffee
0:18:32 > 0:18:33# To the left, to the right
0:18:33 > 0:18:35# Jump up and down and to the knees
0:18:35 > 0:18:38# Come and dance every night
0:18:38 > 0:18:39# Sing with a hula melody
0:18:39 > 0:18:41# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:41 > 0:18:43# Push pineapple, shake a tree
0:18:43 > 0:18:45# Aga-doo-doo-doo
0:18:45 > 0:18:47# Push pineapple, grind coffee
0:18:47 > 0:18:49# To the left, to the right
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# Jump up and down and to the knees
0:18:51 > 0:18:53# Come and dance every night
0:18:53 > 0:18:55# Sing with a hula melody. #
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Yeah!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Oh, there we are!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Black Lace, jailers and jailbirds! What an act.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12But at the end of the day will they be pushing pineapples
0:19:12 > 0:19:15or grinding coffee in The Slammer?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Let's find out with that groover Mr Burgess.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Right, then, Jarvis, were you pushing the pineapple?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Yes.- And what were you doing with your coffee?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I was grinding it.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28What did you think of Black Lace?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It gave me a chance to show my moves.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And the singing was fantastic and they should be set free.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Show us a few of your moves.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Oh, yeah, here we go.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39There we are, look at that. That's good.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42I think you should join Black Lace, madam.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Well, I would be willing to do that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48One final word. Sum that act up for me, please.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Silly.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Silly. Indeed. Silly, sir.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, Black Lace could be released into the community.
0:19:56 > 0:19:57What a thought that is.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00But now on to the final part of the Freedom Show
0:20:00 > 0:20:02and a real treat for you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05A genuine Punch and Judy show!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Er... They couldn't come, sir.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- What? Who is going to close the Freedom Show?- We are.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12What a great idea.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15There's only one thing better than watching a Punch and Judy show
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- and that is being IN a Punch and Judy show.- No, no. Now, listen, sir.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22You know I said I don't like going on holidays.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Well, I've changed my mind, sir.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- And I'd like to go on holiday starting now.- Too late.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Come here, Frank. He-he!- Sir.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Ladies and gentlemen, jailers and jailbirds,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34now for a real seaside treat.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35For one time only,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39yours truly and the HMP Slammer prison officers present
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Punch and Judy!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Hello, jailers and jailbirds. I'm Mr Punch. Not yet, Frank.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I have got my little legs there. It's lovely to see you, everybody.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Yes. I live here in this house with my lovely wife, Judy.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Would you like to meet Judy? - ALL: Yes!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05If you shout out her name, she might come out. Let's shout for her. Judy.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- ALL: Judy!- There she is. Give her a round of applause, boys and girls.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- That's the way to do it. - Did somebody call my name?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- Yes.- I want you to look after my little sausages.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I like sausages, boys and girls.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22While I go off and I tenderise my big jumbo bangers for tea.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Now, listen, I know what you're like. You're a very naughty boy.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Listen, boys and girls, if you see Mr Punch nibbling at those sausages,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- I want you to shout for me. Will you do that?- ALL: Yes!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- Be a good Mr Punch.- Bye-bye, Judy.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38You go and tenderise those lovely bangers.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Do you know, I don't think it would hurt
0:21:40 > 0:21:43if I had just one little nibble, boys and girls.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I'll just have a little nibble of those sausages.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47ALL: Judy!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49What is it? Oh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I've got a headache. It must be this tight hat.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56I'll just have a little nibble of the sausages.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- ALL: Judy!- What?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Naughty, naughty, naughty! Naughty, naughty, naughty!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- That'll do, Frank.- I am acting, sir.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- I know! You're overdoing it. - I am sorry, sir.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10If you touch my sausages again, something very,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12very scary will come and get you.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I don't like scary things, do you, boys and girls?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18- Something very scary. - ALL: No! Yes!- All right.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- I won't touch them this time. - It's going well, sir.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23It's going marvellous. Keep going, keep going.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24On, I don't like scary things.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I hope I don't see anything nasty and scary.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You shout and tell me.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30THEY SHOUT
0:22:30 > 0:22:32What did you see?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34ALL: Crocodile!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36A crocodile? Oh, no, it wasn't.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38ALL: Oh, yes, it was!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, no, it wasn't. Now stop messing about. You're getting me scared now.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Keep an eye open. And nobody gets those sausages.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Anything scary comes, you tell me. I'll keep an eye open down there.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That looks scary. Picture of Mr Burgess there.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50THEY SHOUT
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- What? - THEY SHOUT LOUDER
0:22:52 > 0:22:56What? What?
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- Where's the sausages gone? - Right, then, boys and girls.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I've come back to pick up my little sausages. Where are they, Mr Punch?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Judy, let me explain. What happened was, boys and girls, the sausages...
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- The crocodile.- Crocodile?- Yes. - A crocodile ate my small sausages?
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- Oh, no, it didn't. - ALL: Oh, yes, it did!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Oh, no, it didn't. - ALL: Oh, yes, it did.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Yes, it did.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Right, don't worry, I will save you with this giant sausage.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Get back, you hideous reptile. Get back!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Don't overdo it!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Down, down.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Get in.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40She's still snapping! Yes!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Hooray!
0:23:42 > 0:23:44THEY CHEER
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- There are your sausages. - What happens now, sir?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Well, in the script it says I give you a big hug
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- and a kiss.- And that concludes this afternoon's performance.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- God save the Queen. - Thank you very much indeed.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Thank you. And the crocodile. Miss Meadows, Mr Burgess and me.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Well, jailers and jailbirds,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06let's find out what you thought of that with Mr Judy, I mean
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Mrs Burgess, I mean, Mr Burgess. - Sir!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Man's perspective on a bit of traditional seaside Punch and Judy.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I think it was very entertaining and inspiring.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- What did it inspire you to do? Join the Prison Service?- No. Be a puppet.
0:24:21 > 0:24:26- Be a puppet?- What did you think of Mr Punch?- He's a bit rubbish.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- He's a bit... Hang on, that's me. - One final word.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34- Sum that act up for me, sir. - Good.- Good. Yes, good.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Yes, that'll do.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40Right, that is what you thought of, well, us! Will we be going free?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I don't know. Let us welcome everyone back from the Freedom Show.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46BMX Freestylers...
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Chuck...
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Come on, Black Lace, yeah, come on!
0:24:51 > 0:24:56- And of course, us, Mr Burgess. - That's us, sir.- And Miss Meadows!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59The crocodile. There she is. Come and join us. There we are.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, remember, at the end of the Freedom Show, you decide who
0:25:02 > 0:25:06goes free. With the aid of this. The Clap-o-Meter.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10The more noise you make, the higher each act's score goes.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15So, who will it be? First of all, it was the BMX Freestylers.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17CHEERING
0:25:21 > 0:25:28Wow! Thank you, lads. Almost off the scale. 95.2. Sensational.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Well, another energetic act, jailers and jailbirds, Chuck.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34CHEERING
0:25:39 > 0:25:43Brilliant, Chuck, but it looks like you are just still in second place.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Ohh, very high scores, though. Tremendous scores, those!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Well, what did you think of the next act?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53We love singing and dancing to them. Will they go out? It's Black Lace!
0:25:53 > 0:25:55CHEERING
0:25:59 > 0:26:0273.3. Sorry, lads.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05You'll be staying with us for a little longer in The Slammer.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07But that does not matter.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11We've got one more performing prison officers and Governor to see.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Punch and Judy. That's the way to do it!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15CHEERING
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Thank heavens for that. We're staying. Yes, 84.7.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Don't know what we'd have done if we'd gone free.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28But I tell you who is going free, it is the BMX Freestylers!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31CHEERING
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Away you go, lads. Take them away.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Give them a big cheer, jailers and jailbirds. Off they go!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I suppose that is the good news for them.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42The bad news for us is that we are all staying in The Slammer.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46But we do get to get tea. I have just had an idea, though.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Mr Burgess, we could all have one of those Froppyslops.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53- At least that way you get a cone. - We've run out of cones, sir.- Ohh!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- We put it in a bowl, though.- Oh. - It's melted, though.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- So, what's it like now?- Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir.- Ohhh, no.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- Take them away. - Come on, off you go.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05There we are. Let's hear it for Black Lace and Chuck.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Come and see us again, jailers and jailbirds.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10But remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:10 > 0:27:13ALL: Don't do the crime!
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And we will see you for more fun on the Freedom Show at The Slammer.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- I trust you had a good holiday, sir.- Yes, Frank.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50I did every fun thing you can do at the seaside.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Except a donkey ride.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55I didn't get a donkey ride.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Giddy-up, Dobbin. To the pier and back. I love it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03KLAXON SOUNDS
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd