0:00:03 > 0:00:08# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:13# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# So go and fetch the audience bring them to The Slammer
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# And polish up your act, with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:34# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:00:34 > 0:00:39# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:44# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Mansions, palaces, manors,
0:00:48 > 0:00:52castles, condos, wigwams.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Interesting homes belonging to interesting people.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59It's time for another episode of...
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Today, one of the biggest names in entertainment incarceration...
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'm delighted to have this opportunity to welcome you
0:01:09 > 0:01:11to my modest abode.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Look at that.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Everyone's idea of the perfect dream home.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18It's a pity it's not mine.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Still, I like to look at it every now and again.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Ooh, wonderful.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Hello, welcome to Chez Governaires.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Mrs Governor has gone away for away for a few days to see her sister.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Again.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Which leaves me on my own, but it doesn't matter,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34because I'm entirely self-sufficient.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I do all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the ironing.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Anyway, what am I saying? Wasting time! Let's have a look around.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Come with me on my journey round my Absorbing Pad.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46This way.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Hello, Mummykins! I'm home!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- HE CHUCKLES - Mwah.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58So, Governor, perhaps you could you could start by telling us
0:01:58 > 0:02:02what an average day working at HMP Slammer is like.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04An average day at The Slammer?!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Why, there's no such thing, lad.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07No such thing.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09And we have the footage to prove it.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:13 > 0:02:15HE GROWLS
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Ladies and gentlemen,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23please do not attempt to copy any of the acts that you're about to see.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:02:26 > 0:02:28# Hot right now
0:02:28 > 0:02:29# Turn it up right now
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now
0:02:32 > 0:02:34# Hot right now
0:02:34 > 0:02:37# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now
0:02:37 > 0:02:38# Hot right now
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# Turn it up right now
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# Eh-oh eh-oh hot right now
0:02:46 > 0:02:47# Throw your hands up
0:02:47 > 0:02:48# Throw your hands up
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# Throw your hands up
0:02:50 > 0:02:51# Throw your hands up
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# You got the latest place it's on your radar
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# By the time you show your face it's over
0:02:57 > 0:03:00# Eh-oh eh-oh eh eh. #
0:03:00 > 0:03:01- ALL:- One...
0:03:01 > 0:03:03two...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05three!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Ahh...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh-oh-oh...
0:03:27 > 0:03:31HE IMITATES ROBOT MOTOR
0:03:46 > 0:03:50RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Right, come along, and I'll show you around.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Yes, the guided tour. Walk this way.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Yes, yeah. I see what you're doing.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Very funny, you camera crew. You're all the same, aren't you?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34All clever-pants, and, "I'll have a cappuccino."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Come on, concentrate. Onwards, this way.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- And what's behind this door, Governor?- Er...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'll tell you what's behind this door.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45It's a roomful of never-you-mind! That's what. Now, come on!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Ah, the most important room in the house.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Picking up nicely, Frank.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Ahh, the kitchen.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56They say an army marches on its stomach.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57HE CHUCKLES
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Well, it can certainly march on mine.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01And what sort of diet keeps the Governor going?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Well, er, healthy, of course.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Your five a day, you've got your fruit and your vegetables.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Ooh, yeah, fibre, very important.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Lovely...
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Er, but it's important to have the occasional tasty treat
0:05:15 > 0:05:18just to keep your spirits up.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Ah, thank you, Frank.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Well...I need to keep my energy levels up.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Keep up with the acts.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:47 > 0:05:49DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:11 > 0:06:13IRISH DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Check him out!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Hoh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Hoh! Check me out, come on!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Yes! Yes!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Yah!
0:06:32 > 0:06:33BOING!
0:06:36 > 0:06:37DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:03 > 0:07:06And here we have my personal, private cinema.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Somewhere where I can relax after a hard shift at The Slammer.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12It's got all the luxuries and mod cons.
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Padded seating...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- PHRRRT! - Ooh...
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Adjustable foot rest.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21And look, it reclines!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- A private cinema for one, then.- What?!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Ooh, not a bit of it. No, no, no.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29There's room on these seats for three people.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Yeah, my old friend Frank and my new friend Holly.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34And who are Frank and Holly?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Well, Officer Burgess and Officer Meadows, of course.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41But they're not just prison staff, they're the best of friends.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46Burgess.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49It means "warrior".
0:07:49 > 0:07:53Meadows. It means "more than one meadow".
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Yes.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Come here, you clown!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Hi, Mr Burgess.- Do some work!
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- CRASH! - Nice to see you too.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04THEY TAP "SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT"
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Meadows, do some work! MOVE!
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Thanks, Mr Burgess.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Could this be an instrument? - Ooh, let me have a look, Meadows.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Of course not, you idiot. It's for draining veg.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21How about a little wager?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23If Clarissa doesn't win the whole show,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25then you can clean out the toilets for a week.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27- Fine.- Blindfolded.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Fine.- With a toothpick.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- Can I...- SHAKE MY HAND!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Come on, Mr Burgess. We're on holiday!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Give us a smile.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
0:08:40 > 0:08:43All right, Meadows. I'm not a complete monster.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I don't expect you to clean the toilet with just one toothpick.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Oh, thanks, Mr B!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49No. So here's a spare one.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50A number two!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58When I was a very young Governor, I used to astound everyone
0:08:58 > 0:09:02with my humorous comedy act, with my little pal Magic Philip.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Would you like to meet Magic Philip?
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Shall we shout for him? Magic Philip! Magic Philip!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08"Oompa, oompa! Stick it up your jumper."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Ha-ha! There he is. Hello, Magic Philip.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13It's nice to see you. Peternocchio sends his love?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's nice. We like that. We're going to do our act now...
0:09:16 > 0:09:19What do you mean? I'm not past it. Don't be cheeky! Naughty boy.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22We're going to do some magic, aren't we? Yes.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24We're going to make something disappear.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25What will we make disappear?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28My tummy?! We're not making my tummy disappear! Don't be cheeky.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Right. We're going to make this disappear, watch this.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Magic, ladies and gentlemen. He's going, he's going...
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Have you gone? Yeah. Go on.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38This is disappearing... Watch this disappear.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Here we go. Here we go.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Mmm-mmm-mmm...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It's gone! Abracadabra!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And that's magic.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Like this lot.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52So, here we go. I'll cover my head with this...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54OK, am I facing the right way?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Brilliant. Would you please turn to the page in the book
0:09:58 > 0:10:00of the token you've selected?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01DRUM ROLL
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Let me see... OK, I'm picking up... This is, oh, someone very famous.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- Ava...Ava Gardner? Is that right?- No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh. It's not Ava Gardner.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14OK, let me try again. It's Sam... Samuel L Jackson, is it?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15- Samuel L Jackson?- No.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I'm a bit... I'm ever so sorry, this doesn't usually happen.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20What... Who have you chosen?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Spider-Man.- I can't hear - can everyone shout that out, please?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- ALL:- Spider-Man!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Spider-Man?
0:10:27 > 0:10:28# Spider-Man, Spider-Man
0:10:28 > 0:10:30# You'll find the Spider-Man! #
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I see you have a nice shiny ring on your finger.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35- Yeah.- Does that come off?- Yep.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- That's a very nice ring. Is it silver?- Yes.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I'm going to take your ring
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and place it in the middle of this paper tissue I have here.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'm going to fold it once, twice, three, four times.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Can you feel it in there?
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Yep.- Very good. You said it was real silver, right?- Yeah.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Now, there's only one way to test if it is real silver or not,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54and that is to take your ring...
0:10:54 > 0:10:56and set it...
0:10:56 > 0:10:57on fire.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01If your ring is real silver, it'll vanish and disintegrate into the air.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06CHEERING
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Aaah! Aaah!
0:11:19 > 0:11:20Here we go!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Woo!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- So, Governor, tell us... - Ooh, no! Mind that pig!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Governor?- Oink, oink!
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Ooh!- Governor!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Ugh...
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Ooh, sorry.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I had the surround sound on.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55What can I do you for?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Our viewers would love to know what you get up to in your spare time.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01What you do at the weekends. After you get out of bed, of course.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Is that a trick question?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Well, obviously, I get up,
0:12:04 > 0:12:09and I go and decide what I'm going to wear from my massive wardrobe.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Ahh. Oh, wow!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Is that the famous show time suit? It looks...- Divine.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I know.
0:12:15 > 0:12:1915 yards of wipe-clean vinyl polyester
0:12:19 > 0:12:20and a secret sweat-proof lining.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24But I always say, "If you're surrounded by glitz and glamour,
0:12:24 > 0:12:25"it pays to make the effort."
0:12:28 > 0:12:31MUSIC: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Ow!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43OK, I'd like everybody to clear the area right now!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Ow!
0:12:52 > 0:12:53# Ow!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54# Annie are you OK?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57# Will you tell us that you're OK?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59# There's a sign in the window
0:12:59 > 0:13:01# That he struck you a crescendo Annie
0:13:01 > 0:13:02# He came into your apartment
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# And left bloodstains on the carpet
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Then you ran into the bedroom
0:13:06 > 0:13:07# You were struck down
0:13:07 > 0:13:09# It was your doom, Annie
0:13:12 > 0:13:14# Ow! #
0:13:14 > 0:13:17THEY PLAY "SOUL BOSSA NOVA"
0:13:44 > 0:13:46FUNK MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:58 > 0:14:02AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:14:10 > 0:14:13AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Well, lots of glitz and glamour there,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22and speaking of glitz and glamour,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I bet your viewers would love to see my Olympic-sized swimming pool.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I bet my viewers would love to see what's behind this door.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Oi! Oi!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Never mind what's behind this door, Nosey Parker.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37My deepest, darkest secrets are behind this door,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39and you're not seeing them, right?!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Now, come on, let's have a look at my pool.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Oi! Oi!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Do I have to break open the sloppy, ploppy porridge?
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Welcome to my private gym and swimming pool.
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Er...
0:14:56 > 0:14:59It's here where I try and work out...
0:14:59 > 0:15:01try and work out what I'm doing here.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Every morning I throw open the windows,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06take a few deep breaths, up, down, up, down,
0:15:06 > 0:15:07then the other eyelid.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10You do need to be fit to keep up with the prisoners.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Never mind them, it's the audiences you've got to keep up with.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Right, here we go.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18HE GROANS AND STRAINS
0:15:18 > 0:15:19That'll do.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- And for one final word, sum that act up for me.- Amazing.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Any advance on amazing?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- Exciting?- That'll do, exciting and amazing, sir.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Sum that act up for me, sir, in one, just the one, final word.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Very good.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37That's two, sir.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41And for one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Confusing.- Confusing, sir!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Sum that act up for me in one final word, miss.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Extraordinary.- Extraordinary, sir!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Right, and for one final word, sir.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Mind-bobbling.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Brilliant, sir, brilliant!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58And for one final word, sum that act up for me, saaar!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Tremendous.- Tremendous, then, sir.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03For one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Mind-blowing.- That's two words, sir.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Stand up, say it with gusto and I'll allow it. Top of your voice, sir!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- MIND-BLOWING! - Thank you, MIND-BLOWING, SIR!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14THEY SCREAM I don't know any more! I don't know!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Right, and for one final word, sum that act up.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21- Fabulous.- Fabulous, sir!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Now, then, sir, sum that act up for me
0:16:24 > 0:16:27in one final word, wait for it...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Now!- Amusing.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Yeah, it was, really, wasn't it?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- For one final word, sum that act up for me, miss.- Impressive.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Impressive, sir. Very good, very good.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Right, miss, sum that act up for me in just one word.- Fabulicious.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Fabulicious, sir!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Sum that act up for me, miss.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Er...
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Yeah, that'll do.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49"Er......!", sir.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53For one final word, sum that act up for me, please.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Silly.
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Silly.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Indeed, silly, sir.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Welcome to my extensive library. Yes, reading broadens the mind.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I love books.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10I love books on fiction, books on non-fiction, I love books on....
0:17:10 > 0:17:11on the world.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I love reading about the colourful characters.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Speaking of colourful characters,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17we've had a few in The Slammer in the past...
0:17:17 > 0:17:18PRRRT!
0:17:18 > 0:17:19- In fact... - PARP!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21..why don't you just show a few?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I think I've got an attack of reading coming on.
0:17:23 > 0:17:24PRRP!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Please do not attempt to copy any of the acts that you're about to see.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32CIRCUS MUSIC, AUDIENCE SQUEALS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I know what you're thinking now.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40"How can he be so cool?!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45MUSIC STOPS
0:17:48 > 0:17:49Fine!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I'm stood here burning to death and you're all going,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"Oh, don't tell him!" That's very funny.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Here we go.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Woo-ee!
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Big finish!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Yes!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10FAST ELECTRONIC BEAT
0:18:10 > 0:18:12AUDIENCE: Wow!
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Down the hatch!
0:18:41 > 0:18:44GLUGGING
0:18:46 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:55If you look really close,
0:18:55 > 0:18:57you see, I'm just starting to get whiskers! Can you see 'em?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I'm going to make 'em disappear with this.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02BOING!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It's sticky paper for catching flies.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09All you've got to do is apply thusly to the affected area. Ooh!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16MUFFLED GRUNTING
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- MUFFLED:- This is a rip off!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Ooh, there's nothing like a good...chapter
0:19:26 > 0:19:27to make you feel better
0:19:27 > 0:19:29and speaking of the arts,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32would you care to peruse my private art gallery?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36- Well, it all depends. - Ah, now, this is my favourite.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It was done for me by Leonardo Di Marvo in A Wing.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Oh, such attention to detail, so lifelike,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44and yet every time I look at it,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I see something I've never seen before.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51- What a piece of work. - Thank you very much.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54But when you've seen as many classy acts as I have,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56you get an eye for beauty.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Please do not try this at home.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:28 > 0:20:32AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:20:51 > 0:20:53AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:53 > 0:20:57HIP HOP MUSIC
0:21:09 > 0:21:11AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:21:27 > 0:21:31# You raise me up
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# So I can stand on mountains
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# You raise me up
0:21:39 > 0:21:45# To walk on stormy seas
0:21:45 > 0:21:48# I am strong
0:21:48 > 0:21:53# When I am on your shoulders
0:21:53 > 0:21:56# You raise me up
0:21:56 > 0:22:02# To more than I can be. #
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I've kept the very best till last.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- This place will surprise you! - Really(?)
0:22:12 > 0:22:15What is it this time? An indoor bowling alley?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Your personal yachting lake?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Your very own luxury ice cream parlour?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24Oh, no, this is where I come to watch my clothes dry.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Oh, yes, I can sit here for hours, I can.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It's great family entertainment.
0:22:29 > 0:22:35I just watch them going round and round and round and round
0:22:35 > 0:22:39and sometimes it goes the other way, round and round and round.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Everybody should have a hobby.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Round and round and round.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Sometimes it makes your head spin.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Some of the acts on The Slammer make your head spin as well.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Giacomo Puccini
0:23:09 > 0:23:11# One way or another
0:23:11 > 0:23:13# I'm going to find you
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# I'm going to get you, get you, get you, get you
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# One day
0:23:16 > 0:23:17# Maybe next week
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# I'm going to meet you
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# I'll meet you, I'll meet you
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# One, two, three, four!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na
0:23:27 > 0:23:30# Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na
0:23:30 > 0:23:32# I wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# Get teenage kicks right through the night. #
0:23:35 > 0:23:37PARP!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40PRRRRRRP!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41HE GROANS
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Extra strong!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46PARP! PRRRT!
0:23:46 > 0:23:47SQUELCH!
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Oh, you might have warmed your hands!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- Ooh!- Hat number one!
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- See what else we can find. - Hat number one?!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- How many hats are there? - More than one.- Oh...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59SQUELCH!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Is that the ribcage?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Oh! That's my tonsils!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Wah! Christmas has come early!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09MUSIC: "Dueling Banjos" by Arthur Smith
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25My name is Steve "Bad Tomatoes" Jackson.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I'm sure many of you are familiar with fire walking
0:24:29 > 0:24:32and I'm sure you're all wondering
0:24:32 > 0:24:38is it possible to walk across a row of bad tomatoes?
0:24:38 > 0:24:43The answer is most definitely, "Yes!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:46And I'm the man to prove it.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:24:57 > 0:24:59AUDIENCE: Eww!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Well, there you have it. You've had the full guided tour.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05My absorbing pad.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Is there anything else you'd like to see?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Well, actually, could you tell us
0:25:09 > 0:25:12a little more about that over at the back there?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- WHISPERING:- Right, come on, let's go. Quick!- Oi! What are you doing?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19- Come back here, you! Give me that. - Let's get this lock off, come on.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Right, here we go.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- HE GROANS - There we go.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Let's reveal Ted Governor's deepest, darkest secret.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30- What the..?- Oh!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33This, if you must know,
0:25:33 > 0:25:37is every performing prisoner that has ever won the Freedom Show.
0:25:37 > 0:25:43I keep them written in here to remind me why I do my job.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Thanks to me and my small team, every single one of these acts
0:25:48 > 0:25:51has been able to pay their debt to showbiz...
0:25:52 > 0:25:55..and walk free from The Slammer.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56# Well, it's one for the money
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# Two for the show
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Three to get ready, now, go, cat, go
0:26:00 > 0:26:04# But don't you step on my blue suede shoes
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# Well, you can do anything, but lay off my blue suede shoes
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# MUSIC: "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)" by Michael Jackson
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Get up out the dark
0:26:24 > 0:26:26# Open up your eyes
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# You'll discover there's a world outside
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# There's a world outside
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# To fix a broken heart
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# You have to try
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Pick it up, pick it up
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# It's a beautiful life
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Beautiful life... #
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito
0:26:46 > 0:26:50CHEERING
0:27:07 > 0:27:11I'm proud of them all and that's my deepest, darkest secret.
0:27:11 > 0:27:12I'm a great, big softie at heart,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15but don't you go telling them that at The Slammer.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Don't worry, Governor, your secret's safe between you, me
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and the viewers at home.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Eh?! What you mean?! What you mean?! Hey! Come on! Come back here!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26You're not going to The Slammer, you lot.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28You come here! Give me that camera! Pack it in, you!
0:27:28 > 0:27:29..privacy!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Go on, get out...
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You with your hamster on a stick and you, cameraman,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37with your time and a half and free biccies, get out of it! Clear off!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40HARPISCHORD MUSIC
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd