0:00:02 > 0:00:03PRISON ALARM
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# You've been found guilty
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# So welcome to The Slammer
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:12 > 0:00:17# With every type of minstrel Entertainer and artiste
0:00:17 > 0:00:19# Performing to the limit
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# To try and get released
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# So go fetch the audience
0:00:23 > 0:00:25# Bring them to The Slammer
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# And polish up your act
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# With a bit of glitz and glamour
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Your fate is in their hands
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# So make them cheer and clamour
0:00:35 > 0:00:37# It's the only way you'll ever leave
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# The Slammer, leave The Slammer
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:00:45 > 0:00:48So, sir, this is our newly refurbished
0:00:48 > 0:00:50solitary confinement cell.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Ah, the place we put our very worst acts... Hang on!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It looks exactly the same as it always did.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58We've made a few subtle changes, sir,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01to give it a somewhat bleaker atmosphere altogether.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03What changes have we made, Mr Burgess?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Well, sir, take the paint, for example.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08You may remember, we had this cheerful Moroccan Magnolia.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Yes. Well, we've gone away with that and we've gone with this
0:01:11 > 0:01:13lovely sinister Estonian Eggshell, sir.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Look at that, lovely. - Sends a shiver down my spine.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18I went caravanning in Estonia once.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I ate some kind of pasty that disagreed with me
0:01:21 > 0:01:23on the very first night.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25You may notice we've taken a few more springs out of the bed, sir.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Spent the next two weeks sat on a chemical toilet with
0:01:28 > 0:01:30nothing for company but a Sudoku puzzle
0:01:30 > 0:01:32and an industrial-sized can of air freshener.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34And then, of course, there are all the usual refinements
0:01:34 > 0:01:36to the security system, sir.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Sometimes I think on that fortnight as one of the happiest times
0:01:39 > 0:01:40- of my life.- Sir!
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Sorry, Frank, I was miles away. You were saying?
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Well, I was about to show you the new reinforced steel door.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Very good! What are they made of?
0:01:49 > 0:01:50Reinforced steel, sir.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54How novel! Which means exactly what?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Which means exactly, sir, that once that door is locked, there is
0:01:57 > 0:02:01absolutely no way anybody can get out of this cell, sir.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- You know, Frank, I was just thinking.- Hm.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Wouldn't it be awful
0:02:10 > 0:02:12if, just say, you had left your keys
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- outside.- Oh, yeah! - And that would mean you and me
0:02:16 > 0:02:18would be stuck in here...forever!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19- You and me, sir?- Yes!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Just the two of us?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Forever, in this cell!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Stuck in here for ages?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29THEY LAUGH
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Oh, dear!- We're stuck in here forever, aren't we?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Yes, we are, sir.- It gets worse than that, Frank.- How so, sir?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36I've just had a pasty.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41HE FARTS Help! Somebody let me out! Help!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Never get a moment's peace in this place.- Help!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Help! Help! Is there anybody out there?
0:04:11 > 0:04:12It's no use, Mr Burgess.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15No-one can hear us in here. Which is just as well...
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- HE FARTS - Better out than in.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Exactly, sir. But how are we going to get out of HERE, sir?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Simple, Frank, we'll phone for help!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Because I'm the one with the brains around here, Mr Burgess.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Which is why I'm the Governor and you're not.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Now, I trust you've brought your phone with you, Frank?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Well, actually, no, sir.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Prison policy states that officers must have their phones
0:04:39 > 0:04:42switched off during working hours.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Mine is off and safely locked away in the locker, sir.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47So it is up to me to save the day yet again.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Fortunately, I brought my phone with me.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Hello? Hello?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, I don't believe it, Frank,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57there's no reception in this cell!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Yes, you've mixed up your phone with fruit again, haven't you, sir?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Don't take that attitude with me.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Stranger things than that have happened in here over the years.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27# Go to work
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# Go to work
0:05:29 > 0:05:32# The girl with yellow hair Has stayed in bed
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# And never needed to go to work
0:05:35 > 0:05:37# Go to work
0:05:37 > 0:05:39# Go to work... #
0:05:46 > 0:05:48And like all of the acts that come on The Slammer,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52don't try this at home, will you? These are professionals.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07So let's get this straight, we're stuck in solitary confinement.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09There's absolutely no way of getting out and all we've got
0:06:09 > 0:06:11for food is that single banana.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Yes, but we've got to wait until the time is right, sir.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16It looks so appetising, Frank!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I know, sir, but you've got to be strong!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22That banana might have to last us days...weeks...months...
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- years, even, sir!- You're right. You're right. Let it be.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Oh, Frank...- Sir?- Would you mind looking out the window,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- see what the weather's doing? - No, not at all, sir.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Hey! Don't you go near that! You leave that banana alone.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Oh, yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. I'll leave it alone, yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh, dear.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45- Oh. Oh, Mr Burgess.- Sir? - I think I heard scuttling.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Would you mind checking under the bed for cockroaches?
0:06:47 > 0:06:50No, not at all, sir.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Get back! Stay away from that banana, sir!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Oh, all right!- Leave it, sir!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I know, I'm sorry! I don't know what came over me.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Don't worry, it won't happen again.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01It's going to take a bit more than that to catch
0:07:01 > 0:07:03old Francis Montgomery Burgess!
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Oh, look, it's Susan Boyle! - Oooh, where?!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Oh, no, you don't!- Get off!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Come away from that banana!- No!
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Come away from it!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15How did you get to be so tricky?!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I've learnt from the best. Oh, mind me coccyx!
0:07:42 > 0:07:46# A little less conversation A little more action, please
0:07:46 > 0:07:47# All this aggravation
0:07:47 > 0:07:50# Ain't satisfactioning me
0:07:50 > 0:07:52# A little more bite And a little less bark
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# A little less fight And a little more spark
0:07:54 > 0:07:58# Close your mouth and open up your heart and, baby, satisfy me. #
0:08:01 > 0:08:05HE LAUGHS SHE SCREAMS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Here we go!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Whoooooooa!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Obviously, don't try any of that at home yourself,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37otherwise you might come a cropper.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40There must be some kind of a way out of here, sir.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Wait! I've got it!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Have you thought of something, sir?
0:08:43 > 0:08:45No, I've just managed to scratch an awkward itch.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I don't believe this.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Ah! That's it!- Yes, sir?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Scratch the other cheek now.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54We're never getting out of here, are we, sir?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Ah, well, that's where you're wrong.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- You see that tiny window up there? - Yes, sir.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I could squeeze myself through that window, then run and get help.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I don't think that's going to work somehow, sir.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Nonsense, Frank! Come on, give me a leg-up.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- But, sir...- Come on, Frankie, here we go. Come on.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Heave-ho!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24Well, with the greatest of respect, sir,
0:09:24 > 0:09:25it's not one of your best ideas, was it?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27We've had so many acts in The Slammer
0:09:27 > 0:09:29who can do incredible things with their bodies...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I thought I could do the same myself.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Frank?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Eh?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That itch has come back.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26# Don't, don't, don't Don't stop the beat
0:10:26 > 0:10:28# I can't, can't, can't Control my feet
0:10:28 > 0:10:30# Pe-pe-pe-people in the street
0:10:30 > 0:10:32# Come on, everybody And move your feet
0:10:32 > 0:10:33- # Don't stop - Don't stop
0:10:33 > 0:10:34# Don't stop the beat I can't stop
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- # Can't stop - Can't stop the beat
0:10:36 > 0:10:37- # I won't stop - Won't stop
0:10:37 > 0:10:38# Won't stop the beat Go! #
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Mmm, mmm...
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Soon, my sweet. Soon...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Sir... Sir! If I may, sir...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I think I've found a way out of here, sir.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Pray do tell, Mr Burgess.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51We dig a tunnel, sir!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53We dig, dig, sir!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56If my calculations are correct, we could be out of here in 12 years.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And we can use this toothpick, sir.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00That's all very well, Mr Burgess,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03but how are we going to pick our teeth with this?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07You've already spotted a flaw in this plan.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I should have paid attention to all the escapologists
0:11:09 > 0:11:11we've had in here over the years.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12I think I might be stuck.
0:11:20 > 0:11:2215 seconds gone, start the clock!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29A bit of encouragement, boys and girls!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33THEY CHEER
0:11:33 > 0:11:3515 seconds left!
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Ten, nine, eight, seven...
0:11:42 > 0:11:46AUDIENCE: Six, five, four, three, two...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Just in time, everybody!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53MUSIC: 2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY
0:12:24 > 0:12:27So that's it, then, stuck in here forever.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Consigned to a life of boredom,
0:12:29 > 0:12:34misery and a rapidly decaying ba... Oh, it's gone, sir!
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Oh, please tell me you haven't, sir. Please tell me you haven't!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Mr Burgess.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41But I know a man who can!
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Say hello to...Professor Stuart.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46I don't follow, sir.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48He's the special friend I made to cheer you up.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I don't really think that was entirely necessary, sir.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Not at all, not at all. He wants to tell you a joke.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57Hello, Mr Burgess. Tell me, Mr Burgess, yes,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59why do all the ladies like me?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- I'm not playing along with this. - I said, "Why do the ladies like me?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04All right. I don't know.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Because I've got A PEEL!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Don't you get it? How very funny, yes. A banana peel, you see.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10A peel.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Oh, you are a one! "No, I'm a banana."
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- No, you are a one! "No, I'm a banana."- I don't get it.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Oh, Mr Grumpy Pumps! Yes.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Looks like he wants to split.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Yes, split, very good, Professor.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26None of this is making any sense, sir!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Bananas can't even talk.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32"Why don't you do a magic trick?" I'll do a magic trick.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yes. "Do that one where you make me disappear."
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- All right, I'll just peel... - Oooh! Oh, no, you don't!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You're not eating Professor Stuart.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I'll look after you now, Mr Professor Stuart.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46- You're away from the nasty, bad, bad man, aren't you?- Charming(!)
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I was only trying to entertain you.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Yes. Well, I've seen more entertaining acts
0:13:50 > 0:13:52on the Freedom Show, thank you very much.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56You're going to be safe with me now, little banana man.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00HE HUMS LIKE A REMOTE CONTROL CAR
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# Peter Piper picked peppers But Tab rocked rhymes
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# One, two, three, four Several times
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Heavy rotation Played by every kind
0:14:42 > 0:14:45# Radio stations blasting every mind Yes, y'all
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# You know we never stop We never rest, y'all
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# The Black Eyed Peas Are keeping it funky fresh, y'all
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# And we won't stop Until we get y'all
0:14:53 > 0:14:54# 'Till we y'all sayin'... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:59Look! Check him out! Look at him!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Hey, hey, ho! Check me out! Come on!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Hey!- Yes!- Yeah!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Yeah!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Here we go. Ho! Come on now!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# There's no other girl I would wait for
0:15:15 > 0:15:19# But this one I'd break Any date for
0:15:19 > 0:15:23# I won't have to ask what's she's late for
0:15:23 > 0:15:24# She wouldn't leave me flat
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# She's not a girl like that
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# Oh, she's absolutely wonderful and marvellous and beautiful
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# And anyone can understand why
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# I'm leaning on a lamppost
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# At the corner of the street
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# In case a certain little lady passes by. #
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I spy with my little eye,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- something beginning with... C. - Cheryl Cole?- No.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49- Chris Evans?- No. Clare Balding? No.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- Carol who does the weather on BBC Breakfast?- No! No, no, no!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's ceiling! It's always been ceiling.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It's been ceiling the last 23 times we done it!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Why would it be a celebrity?
0:16:00 > 0:16:01It's not unheard of.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04We've had a lot of famous people staying in this prison...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# When I lay it all out on the table
0:16:08 > 0:16:11# Don't know what is stopping me
0:16:11 > 0:16:13# From feeling like I might be able
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# To enjoy my own company
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# Sitting up by my window
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# Watching the summer rain
0:16:21 > 0:16:22# The world goes by in a minute
0:16:22 > 0:16:25# Faster than I can keep up with today
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# Everybody in the place say What now
0:16:28 > 0:16:30# Your soul's feeling shut down Luck's out
0:16:30 > 0:16:32# But you gotta carry on Speed it up now
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo
0:16:34 > 0:16:35# Knockdown
0:16:35 > 0:16:38# Everybody in the place say What now
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# Your soul's feeling shut down Luck's out
0:16:40 > 0:16:43# But you gotta carry on Speed it up now... #
0:16:43 > 0:16:44Hey!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# You can't imagine the run of luck I've had
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# None of it good, all of it bad
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# It's been worse than Britney Spears
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# Eh, come on!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- # Oh, look at me... # - All together!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01# Mr Unlucky... # Come on!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# Oh, my luck stinks
0:17:04 > 0:17:06# They call me Jimmy Jinx... #
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Here we go!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# They say, "Look at him"
0:17:10 > 0:17:13# Unlucky Jim... #
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Yeah!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# Yes, my heart sinks
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# When they call me Jimmy Jinx... # Let me tell you something...
0:17:19 > 0:17:22# Get up out the dark
0:17:22 > 0:17:24# Open up your eyes
0:17:24 > 0:17:27# You'll discover there's a world outside
0:17:27 > 0:17:29# There's a world outside
0:17:29 > 0:17:31- # To fix a broken heart - To fix a broken heart
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# You have to try
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# Pick it up, pick it up
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- # It's a beautiful life - Beautiful life
0:17:38 > 0:17:41# It's a beautiful life
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# Beautiful life. #
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Oh, what a disaster! This always happens when I try to act harder.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51OK, so, hey, I was lying!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54And my name is not K, it's Brian.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And I'm not in The Slammer for my rapping.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I'm in here for crimes against fashion.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02In my opinion, they locked me up for next to nothing.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05What's wrong with having trousers up past your belly button?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07But I could be released if you like me.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Go back to my job at the library -
0:18:10 > 0:18:13putting books in alphabetical order,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15according to the names of the author.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18I'm starting to feel a bit thirsty now, sir.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Not a problem, Mr Burgess.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- There you go. - That's incredible.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26We've been in here for hours, we haven't got access to a tap...
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Relax!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I've been watching those survival programmes with Bear Grylls...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32There's always a way of finding water,
0:18:32 > 0:18:35no matter how extreme the circumstance is.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Well, you are a genius, sir. What did you do,
0:18:37 > 0:18:40drill into the wall and extract the moisture from the minerals?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Not exactly. I just wrung all the sweat out from my armpits.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50That is disgusting!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53AUDIENCE: Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Sloppy, ploppy! Sloppy, ploppy!
0:19:17 > 0:19:1945...
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I can't believe we've been here that long, sir.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I know. 45 minutes!
0:19:25 > 0:19:29I could have watched one-and-a-half episodes of The One Show
0:19:29 > 0:19:30in that time.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33We've got to get out of here, sir.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I can't take much more of this, sir! We've got to get out of here!
0:19:37 > 0:19:38Pull yourself together, Frank!
0:19:38 > 0:19:40You're scaring Professor Stuart.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Look, it's all right, I've seen this sort of thing before.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49You're going through the five stages of incarceration.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51What do you mean, sir?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Well, stage one, that's when hysteria sets in.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58What do you mean hysteria? What are you talking about? What?!
0:19:58 > 0:19:59What, what, what?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Swiftly followed by stage two - regret.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to do that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I hope you will be able to forgive me, sir.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Next comes stage three - denial.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I never touched you. Nobody saw me lay a finger on you.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Then stage four - acting like a chicken.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19HE CLUCKS
0:20:19 > 0:20:23And finally comes stage five,
0:20:23 > 0:20:26where you stand, turn, face the wall
0:20:26 > 0:20:30while the Governor eats the only bit of food we've got left in this cell.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Hold on a minute! You get back there.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- You made those last two up, didn't you?- I'm sorry, Frank.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It's this cell, it does funny things to people.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42You should see some of the solitary confinement acts we've had in here.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Phew!
0:21:27 > 0:21:31# Rubber ball I come bouncing back to you
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# Rubber ball I come bouncing back to you. #
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Bouncy, bouncy.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Bouncy, bouncy
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# Bouncy, bouncy
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# Bouncy, bouncy
0:21:45 > 0:21:49# Bouncy, bouncy me... #
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Bouncy, bouncy.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Do you like impressions?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Here's one for you.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"G'day there, Pete, you divvy."
0:21:59 > 0:22:01AUDIENCE: Boo!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04You know who that is! Come on...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07That's Bob Morgan, you know, Bob the Scouser from number 41.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Here's another one for you.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11"There's your change."
0:22:11 > 0:22:12That's Alan from the shop.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Feeling any better, Mr Burgess?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Yes, sir, I am actually. I've...been doing a bit of thinking, sir.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22You're not considering getting a new outside hat again, are you?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You know how I felt about the last one.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27No, sir. No, I've...
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Well, I've been thinking about life, sir, really, I suppose.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I mean, here we are,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35thrown together by fate,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39two men so very different,
0:22:39 > 0:22:40yet so very alike, sir.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Maybe it was because as a child,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I never got the chance to taste the warm hug,
0:22:48 > 0:22:49the tuck into bed, the fried food.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54But if anything, sir, I'd say that this situation
0:22:54 > 0:22:58has made us stronger, strengthened our relationship, sir,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00brought us closer together.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Because our relationship is based on trust.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Maybe I don't say this often enough -
0:23:05 > 0:23:07but I trust you, sir.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I trust you to do the right thing by me every time, sir.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- Sir?- Sorry, I wasn't listening to a word you said,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I was busy eating the only food we've got in the cell.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22No! Not Mr Stuart!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Professor Stuart. You've killed him, sir, you've killed him!
0:23:27 > 0:23:29We do have a laugh in here, don't we, Frank?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Why?!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- # Body - Wanna feel my body
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- # Wanna feel my body, baby - Such a thrill
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# Such a thrill, my body Yeah, yeah
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- # Wanna touch my body - Wanna touch my body
0:24:16 > 0:24:18# Check out my body
0:24:18 > 0:24:22# Every man wants to be A macho, macho man
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# To have the kind of body
0:24:24 > 0:24:26# Always in demand
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# Hey, hey
0:24:28 > 0:24:30# Hey, hey, hey! #
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Mr Burgess, are you going to do that all night?
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Some of us are trying to get some sleep.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23Sunshine and ponies and daffodils and lots of nice things...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26All right, I've had enough of this, I'm out of here.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38How did you do that, sir?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Mr Burgess, a question.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44When you were trying the doors earlier on,
0:25:44 > 0:25:46were you pulling or pushing?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Well, pulling, sir.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I mean, all the doors in The Slammer are pull doors.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Only from the outside.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- So, do you mean that one was...?- Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- And we could have actually...? - Exactly.
0:25:59 > 0:26:00And now you're going to...?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Spot on! Come here!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Now, don't be too hasty, sir.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07We've had a lovely time reminiscing about all the happy days
0:26:07 > 0:26:11- in The Slammer, sir. - I suppose you're right.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14And there's still time to think about some of the best acts of all.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Yeah.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18But not before I've turned you into tomorrow's pie filling!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21- Come here, you!- Now, sir... - Come here!- Sir, don't be silly.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23You can run, but you can't hide!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Don't ever try anything like that.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Remember, they're highly trained athletes.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59# You have to show 'em that you're really not scared
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# You're playing with your life This ain't no Truth or Dare
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# They'll kick you Then they beat you
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Then they'll tell you it's fair So beat it
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# But you wanna be bad
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# So beat it, beat it
0:27:11 > 0:27:13# Beat it, beat it
0:27:13 > 0:27:16# No-one wants to be defeated. #
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Rat, I'll get you! Come here!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47THEY PANT
0:27:47 > 0:27:48- All right?- All right.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- Come on, let's go.- Come on, you!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Burgess...- Now, sir...