0:00:02 > 0:00:03Dear Diary,
0:00:03 > 0:00:06I hope you are well. I am...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10..adequate. Yes.
0:00:10 > 0:00:15The athlete's foot seems to have cleared up, so no more flaky skin.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Smiley face.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22This week's Freedom Show was full of humiliation...
0:00:22 > 0:00:24LOUD CACKLING
0:00:24 > 0:00:26..dramatic revelation.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28If you want carrots, I've got them.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30..and far too much larking about.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34This is how it all went down.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Oh.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Ah.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47# You've been found guilty of a howling showbiz crime
0:00:47 > 0:00:51# So welcome to The Slammer where you're gonna serve your time
0:00:51 > 0:00:56# With every type of minstrel, entertainer and artiste
0:00:56 > 0:01:00# Performing to the limit to try and get released
0:01:00 > 0:01:05# So go and fetch the audience, bring them to The Slammer
0:01:05 > 0:01:09# And polish up your act with a bit of glitz and glamour
0:01:09 > 0:01:14# Your fate is in their hands, so make them cheer and clamour
0:01:14 > 0:01:18# Cos it's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer! #
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# My little rubber ducky and I love him so. #
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I tell you, there's nothing like a bath.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Perfect relaxation for a busy, young professional like myself.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35You should try one, Frank.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Get rid of some of those frown lines of yours.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- Frank? Frank!- What?
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Sorry, sir. Just thinking about the inmates.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Gov! The prisoners have locked themselves in
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and are refusing to perform in this week's Freedom Show!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50They've gone lazy.
0:01:52 > 0:01:53What?!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Crazy, more like. You've gone soft on them.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59What they need is a good talking-to from someone with presence,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01authority...and well-kept hair. Sir!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Oh, I didn't realise it was a Jacuzzi, sir!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08BUBBLES GURGLE
0:02:09 > 0:02:11It's not.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16All right, come on, B-Wing. Show a leg.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Come on, you lazy lot!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21What's this I hear about you not wanting to perform
0:02:21 > 0:02:22in today's Freedom Show?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, I see.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29It's the old silent treatment, is it?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Well, two can play at that game.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34WESTERN STAND-OFF MUSIC
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LOUD FART
0:02:42 > 0:02:44GIGGLING
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Tough nuts, eh? Right.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51200 facial exercises, everybody, at the double!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Number 14, shock!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Number 11, trapped wind.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Number 13, indigestion.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Come on, everyone, this is fun! Join in.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Number 19, happy ever after.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09PRISONERS YELL ANGRILY
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Mutiny in the ranks, sir, mutiny in the ranks.- Dear, oh, dear.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13This is worse than I thought.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16We can't run the Freedom Show with no performers.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19What are we going to do? What are we going to do?!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Now pay attention, gang.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25We've got an emergency on our hands.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28We've got no acts for the Freedom Show,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30the audience are already on their way!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Has anyone got any bright ideas? - Yes, Gov, actually, I do!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Basically, it's a mix between a shoe and a candle.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40So, wherever you walk, you'll always be able to see.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'm calling it Light Feet.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Thank you, Corporal Clot. I meant ideas for the Freedom Show!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Well, what I suggest, sir, is we smash down their cell doors,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51drag them out by the scruffs of their necks and shout at them
0:03:51 > 0:03:53till the cows come home.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54COWS MOO
0:03:54 > 0:03:57It's no good, Frank. The cows came home hours ago.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I know! Surely some of us have got the odd party trick or two...
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Why don't we do the show ourselves?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It'll be our Slammer Staff Spectacular!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Oh, dear, oh, dear. MEN LAUGH
0:04:08 > 0:04:11- That's a very good idea, Meadows. - I thought so, sir, yeah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13You might be on to something there.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Let's see if any of us have any hidden talents.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25BUZZER
0:04:31 > 0:04:33BUZZER
0:04:49 > 0:04:51BUZZER
0:04:51 > 0:04:54No, no, it's too late. The show's about to start.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57We'll have to work this out as we go along.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- How do I look?- ALL: Divine, sir.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Thank you very much. In that case...
0:05:01 > 0:05:02It's show time.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to HMP Slammer,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12where you decide which prisoner is to be released.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15At least, that's normally the case, but today,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18due to a technical issue, there are no performing prisoners.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Awkward.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23It's the Governor!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25CHEERING
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Who's the Governor? - AUDIENCE:- You're the Governor!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Jailers and jailbirds, it's great to see you for another Freedom Show.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47A bit different, the Freedom Show.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Today, jailer and jailbirds,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53all the acts that you are to see are in fact performing prison officers.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55We've given all the prisoners the day off
0:05:55 > 0:05:57cos we work them very hard.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59The prison officers are going to be performing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Marvellous, that, isn't it? Is that good news? Yeah, yeah.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Cos we've got some great acts, you know.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Oh, some of them are really, really...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And some of them are, well, there's one, is... Like that!
0:06:11 > 0:06:12And another one is like...
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yeah, and we're going to be starting the show any minute now.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Any minute now.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Any second now.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Meadows, Meadows, is there any sign of the first act? Over!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31The first act's over? How did you manage that?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I haven't sent anyone down yet!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35It's walkie-talkie speak!
0:06:35 > 0:06:38When I finish talking, you say over. Over!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, I see! Thanks, Gov. Over.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Right, officers, who's up first?
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Come on, someone must have a special party trick or something. Anyone?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Does being good at flips count? - It absolutely does.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54And thanks for volunteering to be the first act.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55You're going to be brilliant!
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Act One is on its way, sir. Over!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Oh, thanks heaven for that.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Right, jailers and jailbirds,
0:07:02 > 0:07:06it's time for your first performing prison officer act and it's...
0:07:06 > 0:07:09some performing prison officers!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20MUSIC: "More Than You" by Koven
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# Now I'm breathing more than air
0:07:23 > 0:07:27# In this fire I've found
0:07:27 > 0:07:31# The hidden crown
0:07:33 > 0:07:37# On the head of someone true
0:07:37 > 0:07:43# And now I see, he's more than you
0:08:10 > 0:08:13# More than you... #
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Wow!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Well, there's the prisoners officers and now I know they're called 3run.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Hey, jailers and jailbirds,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38don't you go trying any of that leaping around and things.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40They're highly trained, you're not. Don't try it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43But will they be free-running out of The Slammer?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, officers Wilson and Taplow there, forming 3run.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52The big gag there being there's only two of them, I suppose.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- What did you make of it, Miss? - I thought it was totally amazing
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and the acts that they did were incredible.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Are you talking about the acrobatics? - Yes.- Yes.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02What did you think of that act?
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I thought that act was absolutely amazing. It was fabulous.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10So, to sum it up, I would say it was skill-o-licious.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14- Skill-o-licious? Would you say urban, crucial?- Yeah.- Wicked?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Definitely.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19For one final word, sum that act up for me, sir.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Skilful-istic.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Skilful-istic, sir.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24I'll have you, lad.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Can anyone sing? Or rap? Or maybe someone knows a magic trick?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I know a few, I think.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32The audience are going to love you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33Act Two is on its way, Gov,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and he's going to have the audience in amazement. Over.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- OVER RADIO:- Can't wait.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Right, our next performing prison officer act is...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44another performing prison officer!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46CHEERING
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- Hello everyone. Are we all right? - AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- Are you sure you're all right? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Fantastic. Well, not only am I a prison officer,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01I'm a little bit of an inventor. Would you like to see
0:11:01 > 0:11:02- some of my inventions? - AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Now you seem pretty noisy. Are you all very, very noisy?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07AUDIENCE: YEAH!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Don't do that. Now, what we're going to... Sorry about that.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15It's all right, I'll hold it. Now the - oh, ow!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Stop it!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Right, we do have one or two inventions that I'd like
0:11:20 > 0:11:23to show you. All right, would you like to see them?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Fantastic. Well, I think we need a little bit of music.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Can we have a little music? Perfect.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Right, are you ready for this? Let's give it a go. Now.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Watch this, this is great!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Straight in there. Ready?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Now, oh, that's me head. Right, ready?
0:11:42 > 0:11:45One, two, three.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Ow, ow, ow.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52That hurts.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Ahh!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Ow, ow, ow.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Right, forget that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Ow, ow, ow. That's... Don't do that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07That was silly.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- Shall we do a little bit of danger? - AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- I said who wants some danger? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Right, don't try this at home...
0:12:16 > 0:12:17try it at your friend's house. OK.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Try it in their home.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Now, just a little bit of...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27It's all right. Put that out.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29OK. Now, oh!
0:12:29 > 0:12:31We've got a fish, OK. Never mind.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Can I ask you all to help me with something? Will you help me?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Right, what I need you to do, put your arm forward like this
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and just have a look at it. Check it out, make sure it's real. Yeah?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Are you sure that's real?
0:12:43 > 0:12:45AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48OK, this is a real arm.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Isn't that impressive?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Who thinks that is an amazing arm?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55What's this? This is amazing!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Straight in there. Is that impressive?
0:12:58 > 0:12:59AUDIENCE: No.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01No? OK, watch. What about that?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04No? All right. Right, on the count of three, I want you all to blow.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06One, two, three, blow!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Does nothing but you all feel involved.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Right, in there. Let's do this. Are you ready? So...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15We're going to go, one...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16Do you want me to do it?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20OK. Two... Three!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Owww!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Oh, that hurts, that really hurts.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25OK, should we do another one?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30OK, ready, one, two, three..
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Straight in there. Now, we pull that up like that...
0:13:34 > 0:13:35OK, just like that.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Do you want to see inside the box at the bottom? For the non-believers...
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Ow!
0:13:42 > 0:13:45OK, right. Now we pull that out like that.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Check this out. It's still a real arm!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50CHEERING
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Give Jezzo a big round of applause, please. Thank you.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Well, magic there from prison officer Jezzo,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09but will he being saying abracadabra or wishing he'd disappear?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Yes, Officer Jezzo there with his magic.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I know one thing he's good at with magic
0:14:15 > 0:14:20and that's disappearing five minutes before his shift finishes. Sir!
0:14:20 > 0:14:24I thought the act was hilarious, especially when the chair
0:14:24 > 0:14:27kept bouncing up when he tried to sit on it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29- So you've been impressed with him? - Yeah.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Would you put him top of the bill at the London Palladium?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Probably not.- No, I wouldn't either, sir. Thank you.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What did you think of Jezzo the Magician?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40That was so awesome, all the ways he did that.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- All of it, I enjoyed all of it. - Awesome?- Yeah, awesome!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46- Whoa, that's pretty emphatic, sir. - Right.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49One final word to sum up Officer Jezzo's act. Sir?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Fabulous!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Fabulous!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Now for that dreaded section of the show that we call...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Solitary Confinement.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Now, as this is a Staff Spectacular,
0:15:04 > 0:15:08we've chosen a prison officer who works in Solitary Confinement.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10And as ever, they get a nice little treat
0:15:10 > 0:15:14and the treat this week is, if they do well and get the thumbs up,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16they get a ride in Coco the Clown's car.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20His old jalopy, you know, where the doors fall off and it's hilarious.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21If they don't do well, though,
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- they still get the cruel and unusual punishment, Mr Burgess?- Sir!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27What is today's cruel and unusual punishment?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Today, sir, it's the old sack and porridge routine, sir.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Ooh, stuffed in a sack and covered in sloppy ploppy porridge!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Nobody wants that, do they?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I do! First of all, we need a judge.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Mr Burgess? Somebody with wisdom?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Who would like to be my judge today?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42- What about you, sir?- Yes.- Right.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Give him a round of applause, please, the judge.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47What's your name, young man?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Ethan.- Ethan. The wig of wisdom.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- The wig of justice. - Justice, there it is.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Right, on we go with our special performing prison officer act
0:15:55 > 0:15:58that we call Joyless Laughing Girl.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Come on, here we go.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I am the Joyless Laughing Girl and I have perfected
0:16:10 > 0:16:15the art of laughing whilst looking as joyless as humanly possible.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21It is an art that has taken years to prepare, so prepare to be amazed.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28SHE CACKLES
0:16:30 > 0:16:37SHE CACKLES
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Give her a round of something, what do you think?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- AUDIENCE BOOS - Oh, booing.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50All right, Judge Ethan, remember thumbs up
0:16:50 > 0:16:53and it's a ride in the clown's jalopy.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Thumbs down, up to your neck in the stuff that's plop-plop-ploppy.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00And your time starts now.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02What's it going to be?
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Oh, it's thumbs down!
0:17:07 > 0:17:12Your act was weak and sloppy so for you it's plop-plop-plop-ploppy!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16Let her have it. How many buckets? Both buckets! Go on.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20Sloppy, ploppy, sloppy, ploppy.
0:17:20 > 0:17:25ALL: Sloppy, ploppy, sloppy, ploppy...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Stop, stop, sir!- Oh, oh, oh! Oh, sorry, Mr Burgess.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31- Control yourself, sir. - Oh, I love that sloppy ploppy stuff.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Take her away. Yes, Joyless Laughing Girl.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37A big hand for the judge, please. Round of applause for Ethan.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43- Mr Burgess?- Sir?- Continue with the Staff Special Freedom show.- Sir!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Meadows, Meadows. Any sign of the next act?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50The fate of the Freedom Show is in your hands.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Can someone do something? Anything!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55My mum once told me I was quite good at telling jokes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Well, you know what they say... Mum knows best!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You're going to be fantastic.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Act Three is one its way, Gov! Over! Come on.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Brilliant. Right.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Jailers and jailbirds, yes, it's another act from
0:18:06 > 0:18:09the performing prison officers and it is...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11another performing prison officer!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14CHEERING
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Hello.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Hello! How are you? - AUDIENCE: Good.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I'm here to talk to you about rudeness. Do you like rudeness?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Do any of you know any rude words? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Whatever you do, don't shout them out. Do not shout them out.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Cos children are not allowed to use rude words...
0:18:41 > 0:18:45unless they rhyme them with other rude words,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47cos then it's poetry and not rudeness, you see.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You're allowed to do that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Let me give you an example. Here's one.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"If you want carrots, come here.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57"If you want carrots, I've got them.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"They look good but smell sort of funny
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"cos I keep them fresh in my bottom."
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Now, if you were to say that in real life, you'd get into trouble.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08But in a poem, you can do it, you see?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11This next one isn't rude at all. It's called I Am The Toilet.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"I am the toilet and it's my Christmas, too.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"As I guzzle down gallons of your Christmas poo."
0:19:20 > 0:19:22AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"As you open up presents and go to midnight masses,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29"I'm wreathed in a halo of your body's sprout gasses."
0:19:31 > 0:19:35"And when the tree is all bare and the puddings are mush,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"I belch out my pleasure with one Christmas flush."
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"Twinkle, twinkle, little stench.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Should have kept your buttocks clenched."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50"Down beneath the table deep, like a stinky rubbish heap.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56"Twinkle, twinkle, little stench, seeping out of Grandad's trench."
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Now, at the end of this, you can all shout out the last word
0:20:01 > 0:20:03if you can guess what it's going to be.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's not too rude, I hope.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"A lion once went to his mum and said to her,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"Mum, I have some problems for you.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I went to the loo and found pimples all over my...?"
0:20:14 > 0:20:15AUDIENCE: Bum.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Legs! It's legs, you rude lot! Oh, bye.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23There we are. Give a round of applause.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Mr Burgess, cancel him for the Royal Variety performance,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31would you? Yes, Nat Tappley there.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Well, what did you think of him?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Let's find out with Mr Burgess.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Miss, what did you make of Officer Tappley's work?
0:20:38 > 0:20:42I think it was really good and now I'm going to go tell it to my mum.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Did you like Nat Tappley?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I especially liked I Am The Toilet because it made me laugh.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- Do you like poetry?- No, it's boring.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Right, with one final word about Officer Tappley's filth, Miss?
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Poop-on-licious.- Well, how appropriate. Poop-on-licious, sir.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00Now, with any luck,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04it's time for our fourth performing prison officer act.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- MEADOWS ON RADIO:- Eh, Gov?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09- What is it, Meadows? - We've got a problem.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12There's no-one left up here with a party trick! Over!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh, this is terrible.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16We've got no-one to do the fourth and final act.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Mr Burgess!- Sir?- Would you join me on the stage for a moment, please?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23- Sir.- Mr Burgess, there's no-one to do the final act.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25- You're going to have to help out. - Me, sir?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Yes, I'm sure beneath that gruff exterior,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- there beats the heart of a true entertainer.- Sir, I...
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I'm beginning to think you don't know me at all, sir.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Rubbish. Get off and get ready.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Right, Jailers and Jailbirds...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39This is your chance, Frank, to prove there's more to you than just being
0:21:39 > 0:21:41a sour, wrinkled-face old prude!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45So, Jailers and Jailbirds, your fourth and final
0:21:45 > 0:21:47performing prison officer act.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50It's Mr Burgess And Friends.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00JAZZY MUSIC
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Sir!
0:23:54 > 0:23:57All right, get back to your posts, there we are.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01Frank Twinkletoes Burgess And The Slammer Tap Troupe, yeah.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well. There were great.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09What did you think of Mr Burgess?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Let's find out with Mr Bu...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I mean, Miss Meadows.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Well, wasn't Mr Burgess fantastic? What did you think?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Well, I thought it was a mind-boggling act
0:24:19 > 0:24:21with lots of excitement and skill.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Who would have ever thought we'd have a Slammer Tap Troupe.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27What did you think of Mr Twinkletoes Burgess?
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- He was bamping.- Bamping?- Yeah. - What does bamping mean?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33It can mean anything, but it was, like, really good.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Me and my friends made it up. - Oh, Mr Burgess is bamping.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- And for the final word, please sum that act up.- Burgess-ly shocking.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Well, the end of our first ever Staff Special here at The Slammer.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Who's going to win? We'll find out in a moment but first,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51welcome all the acts back on stage, please. 3run!
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Jezzo!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Nat Tappley!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58And of course, The Slammer Tap Troupe.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Well, the same as any Freedom Show, even though it's prison officers,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10you'll decide the winner with this. Yes, the Clap-on-meter.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14The more noise you make, the higher the score. It's as simple as that.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Well, the first performing prison officer act
0:25:16 > 0:25:18that you saw were tremendous.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Will they win? Let's hear it for 3run!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS
0:25:28 > 0:25:31That's cleared the old wax out of the lug holes!
0:25:31 > 0:25:34That's a great score, 92.1!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That's a great score to start off any Freedom Show.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Well, the next performing prison officer act,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43very unusual, very funny, very magical.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Will he win? Please, some noise for Jezzo!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Oh, Jezzo.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I think you need to work a bit more magic there, Jezzo.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Good score but still just 49.7. Still in the lead, it's 3run.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04Well, the next act, he was very naughty, he was very funny.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It's of course Nat Tappley!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Again, just up nearly to the halfway stage.
0:26:16 > 0:26:1949.9, just into second position.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Still in the lead, it's 3run.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Well, what did you think of this wonderful Slammer routine,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27led by Twinkletoes Burgess?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It was The Slammer Tap Troupe!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Come on! AUDIENCE SCREAMS AND CHEERS
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Oh, second place, second place!
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, that means the winners, with a score of 92.1,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45is 3run!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47CHEERING
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Off they go.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53That means the rest of you stay for tea and I suppose
0:26:53 > 0:26:56you're going to have sloppy ploppy porridge, is that right, Mr Burgess?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59No, sir. We're staff. We eat in the canteen, don't we?
0:26:59 > 0:27:00You eat in the staff canteen?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- There's a special on tonight as well.- What's the special?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Sloppy ploppy porridge, sir. - Oh, right. Off to the canteen!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Give them a big hand, please.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Nat Tappley...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Jezzo.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14And of course, The Slammer Tappers are staying with us.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Well, that's good news.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And remember, if you can't sing, dance or rhyme...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21ALL: Don't do the crime!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23All right, everybody. Bye-bye!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# It's the only way you'll ever leave The Slammer. #
0:27:48 > 0:27:51- PRISONER:- Please let us out, Mr Burgess.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53All right, all right, my little babies. You asked,
0:27:53 > 0:27:56now here comes Uncle Frank with your din-dins.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59- PRISONER:- We're ready to entertain!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01GROANING FROM CELL
0:28:01 > 0:28:05A bit more, shall we, Frank? Oh, why not, Frank, treat yourself.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Right you are, Frank.