0:00:02 > 0:00:05I was hit by a can. I opened it and out popped a genie.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Three wishes set me free
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Trust me, I'm a genie... # Wish one...
0:00:11 > 0:00:16And on that first day, I got my very own cafe. Ta-da!
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- Wish two...- That was cool.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I got my own swimming pool. Hee-hee!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24But then I dropped the magic can,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27- and it filled with sand. - # ..I'm a genie... #
0:00:27 > 0:00:29And the words got jammed!
0:00:29 > 0:00:32- Wish three...- A total catastrophe.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35The genie raved and ranted,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38but no third wish was granted.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# If one more wish comes true
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# Then I'll be free from you
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# Trust me, I'm a genie! #
0:00:57 > 0:01:01It's your lucky, lucky day folks! Coming up straight after the break,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Rita van Hump's NEW sizzling desert romance,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08featuring Oasiswood's first ever 3D screen kiss!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Warning - this kiss may contain nuts.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16And now loads of ads for stuff you don't need!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23KISSES
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- What are you doing?- Ah!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Dumb and desperate.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Hey, wait a minute.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Listen up, my friend, a smart dude like you shouldn't waste your time
0:01:36 > 0:01:38on this 3D business.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42I know if I had a shot at a screen kiss with Rita,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I'd want it to be sooooo real it was like the screen wasn't even there!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Though how you'd get your hands on that kind of technology,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I can't imagine. Hmmm.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Use the wish, use the wish.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Use the wish!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Hey, we could use the third wish!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Whoa! That one came out of the blue there. OK!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Like the screen wasn't even there.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19FIREWORKS POP
0:02:20 > 0:02:25Don't change your hair, I love it just the way it is.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28I wish to feel that kiss like it was real!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Please, can I?
0:02:34 > 0:02:41I call upon the powers that be, let Diego feel that kiss and set me free!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Oh, did it work, did it work, did it work?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52TV: ...and the ball's played into the penalty area.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56He crosses into the centre.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58And GOALLLLLLL!
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Just one 3D kiss and I'll be free!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Wait a second, didn't Tony just buy a big new TV?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12How about we do this in style?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- Wow!- TV: Hi-yah!
0:03:17 > 0:03:21He's back. Sam Sahara is the Angry Fist
0:03:21 > 0:03:26in Angry Fist II - This Time It's Clenched.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33The desert can be a lonely place for a girl who knows only of the hope
0:03:33 > 0:03:38in her heart and the sand in her belly button.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42We're coming up to the kiss scene.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44- 3D glasses?- Check.- Breath mints?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46- Check.- Nails clean?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Check.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Operation Sloppy Lips
0:03:50 > 0:03:52is a go, go, go!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Whoa!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Help!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58BEEPING
0:03:58 > 0:03:59RINGING
0:03:59 > 0:04:00'Hallo?'
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Darling, these 3D glasses...
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- Yep?- 'HELLO!'
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Red and blue, it's so last week! - 'Huh, well...'
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Whoa! Ziggy, I think we're in the movie.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Hey, she thinks you're the leading man.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20She must have low standards.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Go on, kiss her! What's wrong with you?!
0:04:23 > 0:04:28I'm shy. This is my first time.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Look, it's easy. Just stick out your chin
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and imagine you're eating candy.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Trust me, I'm a genie!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Mmm-mwah, mwah!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Ha-ha-ha! What do you think, guys?
0:04:42 > 0:04:47The most expensive thing that I own that I can't wear around my neck!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Oh, can we watch Rita van Hump's desert romance?
0:04:50 > 0:04:55No, why don't we watch the new Sam Sahara kung fu movie?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Oh, Rita's desert romance!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Sam Sahara's kung fu movie!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Don't mind me, I pick up all my programmes
0:05:04 > 0:05:07through cosmic channelling. Ohmmm.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Tell me you've come to take me away from all this
0:05:09 > 0:05:13and I will gladly surrender these lips.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17OK, you're up.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I can't do it if you're watching!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28SAM SAHARA: Wah! Hi-yah! Ohhh!
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Wow! Talk about a kick in the lips!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38C'est amour!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Wait up, if you planted one on her...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46..how come I'm not free yet?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Give me that!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Do it again. Do it again!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Give me that! Oh, you...
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Ah!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Ah...ho-ah!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That was even better than the first one!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18She's got lips that won't quit!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Something's not right here.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You're getting kisses and I'm not getting free!
0:06:22 > 0:06:27I surrendered my lips to my brave hero, yet he chose not to kiss me.
0:06:27 > 0:06:33- I shall never offer them again. - SHE SOBS
0:06:33 > 0:06:37I knew it! You haven't kissed her at all yet!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I demand to know what's going on right now!
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Hi-ya!- Whaaa!
0:06:45 > 0:06:50So my old adversary, Limp Noodle, we meet again.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Destroying you will be my honour!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Yes! Aaah!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Hey, dudes, find something you all want to watch.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Rita's desert romance!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Sam Sahara's kung fu movie!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You couldn't get a simple little kiss right,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24and now we've got this kung fu psycho after us.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Hey, where did that angry guy go?
0:07:27 > 0:07:34Am I so ugly that I make my suitors take to their heels?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Hey, stop running, Rocky!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41We're in the right movie! Uh-oh.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- Hi-yah! - SAM SAHARA CHUCKLES
0:07:43 > 0:07:48No one escapes the wrath and revenge of Angry Fist!
0:07:48 > 0:07:54'Let us now consider the inhabitants of this cold and inhospitable land.'
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Huh?- Grrrr!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00HE SNIFFS Hmm.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04And for ten points, of the inert gases,
0:08:04 > 0:08:09is neon lower or higher than helium in atomic weight?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Hmm, hmm. Well...
0:08:18 > 0:08:19HI-YAAAAAAH!
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Correct, neon is higher.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Good job!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Oh. Er... "When I get home from a busy day at the office,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"cleaning grease can be a real chore.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"That's why I use the Maxi Grill 6000."
0:08:37 > 0:08:41"I never leave the house without mine.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"Big smile and cut to commercial."
0:08:44 > 0:08:50- Oh! I said the thing in brackets! - Raaarrh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Whoa! Whoa!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55SAM SAHARA GROWLS
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Chaos has struck the airwaves today...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00THEY SCREAM
0:09:00 > 0:09:03..with programmes including Rita van Hump's TV movie premiere
0:09:03 > 0:09:05descending into total anarchy.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06THEY SCREAM
0:09:12 > 0:09:17That actor fleeing for his life with no sense of dignity whatsoever
0:09:17 > 0:09:20looks just like Diego.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23But news remains unaffected.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Can I do the weather?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Oh. Well. We already have a...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31POLAR BEAR GROWLS
0:09:31 > 0:09:37My hero, you've returned to protect my honour from this devilish beast.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42- I did?- Come on, you can take this guy and get the kiss.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Try hurting his feelings, it might weaken him.
0:09:45 > 0:09:50- Hey, you have terrible dress sense! - Roooooar!
0:09:50 > 0:09:51DIEGO WHIMPERS
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Huh? I don't remember this in the script!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Uh-oh. He's clenching.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Aaaah!
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That's why I use the Maxi Grill 6000.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Oh.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Go!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21This is Rita van Hump.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I demand you take my movie off air immediately!
0:10:24 > 0:10:27OK, no problem. I'll do it!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- Mwah!- Ah!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Well, you could have asked.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Aw! My magic glasses got squished!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42No.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46No! NOOOO!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Oh!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52HE GIGGLES
0:10:52 > 0:10:56The weather will be great in the Arctic
0:10:56 > 0:11:02with a very pleasant minus 40 degrees and heavy snow storms.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04# I'm singing in the snow
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Shoo bi doo bap bap boo doo in the snow
0:11:07 > 0:11:09# Down to my toes
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Where I stood on a penguin but nobody knows... #
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Cheer up, Ziggy.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18That 3D kiss was just practice for when the real Rita comes along.
0:11:18 > 0:11:23Yep, I'm putting my lips under a strict exercise regime.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26MAKES KISSING NOISES
0:11:26 > 0:11:29HE SOBS
0:11:29 > 0:11:32You're not keeping all the magic to yourself this time.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35So long, suckers!
0:11:36 > 0:11:40LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:45Now that was the best thing I've seen on TV all afternoon.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46THEY LAUGH
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:11:55 > 0:11:57E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk