0:00:02 > 0:00:04'Behold the secrets of the Dracula Clan...'
0:00:04 > 0:00:07We are vampires!
0:00:07 > 0:00:12'..as told by four vampires and one hideously drooling drudge,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15'each with their own side of the story to tell.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Vladimir Dracula.
0:00:25 > 0:00:31- 'Also known as Vladdy...'- Yes! - '..Vlad and The Chosen One.'
0:00:32 > 0:00:37The spiritual leader of the world's vampire clans.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41'What an honour when I, Bertrand De Fortunesa,
0:00:41 > 0:00:45'was entrusted with guiding Vlad in fulfilling this destiny.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47'A momentous responsibility...'
0:00:48 > 0:00:52..and one I wish to share with future vampire generations.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56So, I will set down here in this journal...
0:00:58 > 0:01:03'..an account of the events that shaped Vlad's rise to glory.'
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Agh-urgh!
0:01:05 > 0:01:10And how, under my tutelage, it was an unprecedented success.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14'In keeping with most vampire clans, the members of the Dracula Family
0:01:14 > 0:01:17'possess the most abhorrent qualities -
0:01:17 > 0:01:22- 'back-stabbing treachery...' - You devious, conniving witch!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26'..unscrupulous craving for power...'
0:01:24 > 0:01:26THROATY LAUGH
0:01:26 > 0:01:30'..and a taste for random acts of cruelty.'
0:01:30 > 0:01:31- EAR CRUNCHES - Agh!
0:01:32 > 0:01:36'In short, everything you could possibly hope for
0:01:36 > 0:01:39'in a bunch of undead black-hearted vampires.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43And from this truly despicable family has arisen The Chosen One -
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Vladimir Dracula, a vampire with a glorious destiny.
0:01:49 > 0:01:54But to achieve it, it was crucial that Vlad remained focused, resolute
0:01:54 > 0:01:56and immune to distraction.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Hmm. Some hope of that!
0:02:01 > 0:02:06Many obstacles have stood in the way of young Vlad's path to glory.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09'None more so than the tightly-closed covers
0:02:09 > 0:02:11'of the fabled Book of Knowledge
0:02:11 > 0:02:12'entrusted to my safekeeping.'
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Vladimir Dracula,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19it is my solemn duty and honour
0:02:19 > 0:02:21to present you with...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27..the Praedictum Impaver.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Let it circulate through every nerve and channel.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35THE BOOK GROWLS
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Now push that power outwards towards the book.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- COUNT:- Mmm. Mm-hm.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- That's it. Well done, Vladdy!- Keep going.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50'Only The Chosen One has the power
0:02:50 > 0:02:52'to finally prise the book open.'
0:02:52 > 0:02:55At last, we'll see how you lead us into the future.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58'But it just wasn't happening.'
0:02:58 > 0:02:59VLAD SIGHS
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Very frustrating.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05HE SIGHS
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Everything seemed to be in place to ensure the opening of the book.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12'After all, Vlad's newly-acquired psychic powers
0:03:12 > 0:03:15'had been fine tuned by the finest tuition
0:03:15 > 0:03:17'the vampire world has to offer.'
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Good work. 'It should've been relatively simple.'
0:03:21 > 0:03:24You've got the raw power, I can sense it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Something's distracting you. What?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29The challenge for the tutor was
0:03:29 > 0:03:31to pinpoint exactly where the problem lay.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38'What, or more to the point who,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41'was it that was starting to occupy
0:03:41 > 0:03:43'Vlad's every waking thought?'
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Vlad! You saved me!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48'And even his dreams, too.'
0:03:50 > 0:03:52'I suppose I should've guessed.'
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Vlad?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57'The answer was...'
0:03:57 > 0:03:59the anaemic half-fang.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Or should I say breather?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Or, more correctly, the treacherous, two-faced slayer.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09'For Vlad, life in the 21st century
0:04:09 > 0:04:13'presented many challenging distractions and his conviction
0:04:13 > 0:04:16'that vampires and breathers could live together in peace
0:04:16 > 0:04:18'made him especially vulnerable.'
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Because living in peace with breathers wasn't enough.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Oh, no!
0:04:24 > 0:04:26'Vlad had to go all sentimental
0:04:26 > 0:04:28'with this particular slayer.'
0:04:28 > 0:04:30DOOR CLOSES LOUDLY
0:04:30 > 0:04:32If you'd like...
0:04:32 > 0:04:35maybe you and me could go into town?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Not like on a date or anything...
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Unless... unless you want to.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Are you asking me out?- No.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Yeah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Yeah!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- I'll meet you by the gates at eight o'clock.- OK!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Cool.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01'Fortunately for Vlad,
0:05:01 > 0:05:06'these lapses in focus were kept in check by his wise tutor,
0:05:06 > 0:05:07'whose guidance and support
0:05:07 > 0:05:10'were needed to stop the mightiest vampire in history
0:05:10 > 0:05:12'from mooning about
0:05:12 > 0:05:14'like your average love-staked breather.'
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You've got to be the sweetest vampire
0:05:16 > 0:05:18- in the world.- Er...
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Let's face it, there's not much competition.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26'Getting inside Vlad's head isn't easy.'
0:05:26 > 0:05:32Luckily for me, he poured his heart out into a secret notebook.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"It's no good, I can't deny it..."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38It's no good, I can't deny it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Well, I could, but it won't stop this...
0:05:42 > 0:05:48panicky churning feeling every time I see her. Erin's different.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52There, I said it.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Erin's special.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58'That's not to say there haven't been other girls.'
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Hey! It's my first day here.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Could you show me the way to reception?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10My problem has been that the dating thing,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14and the having the Prince of Darkness for a father thing,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16have never really gone hand-in-hand.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18FINGERS CLICK
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- Watcha?- Huh?!
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- How does this sunbed work, then?- Hmm...
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Allow me to demonstrate.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Dad, no!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32- Oi!- That's Delilah, she's a friend from school.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, and already you've got her into a coffin!
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You dark horse! Ha-ha!
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Even the so-called perks never really worked out.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Take Renfield's irresistible vampire perfume.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Got to be a plus, right?
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Wrong. Wrong in so many ways.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:54 > 0:06:56So it turns out Delilah didn't fancy either of us.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Not yet she doesn't!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Vlad!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Let's do it.- Careful, this is really strong stuff.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14SMASH!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Great, now look what you've done!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Hey, boys!
0:07:31 > 0:07:32BOTH: Hey.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34GIRLS SCREAM
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Come on, ladies, one at a time, please!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39'You know what they say about
0:07:39 > 0:07:41'too much of a good thing?' Run!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43SCREAMING CONTINUES
0:07:43 > 0:07:45'Well, this is probably
0:07:45 > 0:07:47'the kind of thing they had in mind.'
0:07:49 > 0:07:52And things were to get worse before they got better.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Or, at any rate...smellier.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- Hurry up!- Right, er...
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Cat food, monkey droppings, rotten eggs, which one?
0:08:03 > 0:08:08Just mix them all together. Come on, Vlad, faster!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11SCREAMING, BANGING ON DOOR Hurry up!
0:08:11 > 0:08:12- SNIFFS:- Eugh!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18SCREAMING AND BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES
0:08:23 > 0:08:25ALL: Eugh!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33You two are such losers!
0:08:36 > 0:08:37'It's no wonder, then,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39'that first dates make me anxious.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Just because you're The Chosen One doesn't mean
0:08:42 > 0:08:46'you don't get pre-date nerves. And that's what happened with Erin.'
0:08:47 > 0:08:48'Mmm.'
0:08:48 > 0:08:52'This Erin was starting to become a problem
0:08:52 > 0:08:56'and Vlad's focus was all over the place.'
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Given the circumstances, it may have appeared cruel,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"young love, etc, etc,"
0:09:03 > 0:09:09but my task as Vlad's trusted adviser was to eliminate any distractions.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And if that meant being ruthless, so be it.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Erin? Did you get the message?- No.- Oh?
0:09:19 > 0:09:24- It's about meeting Vlad. Can you meet him on the balcony instead?- Yeah, OK.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Thanks.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30My pleasure.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37'This was no time for sentiment.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39'Opening the Praedictum Impaver
0:09:39 > 0:09:43'was paramount, whatever or whoever the cost.'
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Vlad?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52DOOR OPENS
0:09:52 > 0:09:56'Erin has led us to believe that she had been bitten and was one of us.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59'Well...a half-fang at least.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02'Since we hadn't discovered
0:10:02 > 0:10:05'her true double-crossing colours at that point,
0:10:05 > 0:10:09'I was confident that locking her on the balcony until dawn came
0:10:09 > 0:10:12'would see this so-called vampire burnt to a crisp.'
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Sunrise...and then you're toast.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29DOOR IS LOCKED, SHE GASPS
0:10:30 > 0:10:32HER BREATH QUICKENS
0:10:35 > 0:10:39'Next on my agenda was manipulating Ingrid into playing her part.'
0:10:39 > 0:10:44I suppose you know that she's gone to see her breather ex?
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Stood up, because she was meeting her ex,
0:10:49 > 0:10:53or so I was told by my oh, so sinister sister.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Those half-fangs can't ever quite let go of the breather thing.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02It's all for the best. She'd have dumped you soon enough anyway.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- 'And as for Vlad?'- Thanks, Ingrid.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'He'd get over her soon. So I thought.'
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- Who is this ex?! She never mentioned an ex!- Let the strength flow.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Why didn't she tell me herself?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- You must banish all thoughts of Erin and focus!- I can't!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20It's doing my head in! She must've known I'd rather hear it from her!
0:11:22 > 0:11:23'I just didn't get it.'
0:11:23 > 0:11:25It felt like a kick in the teeth.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Vlad?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'Until I discovered what was really happening.' Erin?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Someone locked me out!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35The sun, Vladimir, you won't make it!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50HE GASPS, LOUD SIZZLING
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Agh! I'm on fire!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- I'll say! - No, really!- Oh!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11HE WINCES AND GASPS
0:12:11 > 0:12:15'Turns out she hadn't stood me up at all.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18'But who would try to make it look like she had?'
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Why did you tell Erin to meet me on the balcony?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- I was passing on a message. - From who?- Ingrid.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I don't know what you mean.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31You don't remember telling me Erin had gone off with her ex-boyfriend?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Yes, but I was just messing with you.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- It was the Bertrand that told me. - No, I didn't.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Now, why would you say that?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Can't you see what's right in front of you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51It's Bertrand - he's the one pulling the strings around here!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Stop lying to get yourself out of trouble!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56'Bertrand pulling the strings?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59'Nice phrase - I like the sound of that.'
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Where was I?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Oh, yeah! Distractions.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It's a problem, and dating while preparing
0:13:08 > 0:13:12to become the world's most powerful vampire doesn't bode well.
0:13:12 > 0:13:18To assail vampiric heights requires focus, application and discipline -
0:13:18 > 0:13:22not snogging an annoying, two-faced slayer!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26'The truth is that, when Bertrand de Fortunesa arrived to mentor Vlad,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29'he discovered that a lack of discipline had been an issue
0:13:29 > 0:13:32'throughout his formative years.'
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Like father, like son.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Hardly surprising that Vlad has such a thing for breathers
0:13:38 > 0:13:41when you consider the example he's been set!
0:13:41 > 0:13:42Would you mind?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Everything all right?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Everything is practically perfect.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Let me!
0:14:02 > 0:14:06'A vampire castle where breathers are made perfectly welcome?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- 'and not just as snacks!' - Why don't we leave you the tray?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13'Positively unnatural!
0:14:13 > 0:14:17'And the Count's obsession with breathers shows no sign of stopping!
0:14:17 > 0:14:21'The latest in a long line is a certain Ms McCauley.'
0:14:23 > 0:14:25'Will the Count ever learn?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27'I fear not.'
0:14:27 > 0:14:29HE HUMS TO HIMSELF
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Renfield? Take a letter.
0:14:36 > 0:14:42- To Scarlett Corpuscle, Agony Aunt... - Not again!- The Vampire Times!
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Dear Scarlett, I have a problem. I have feelings for a breather
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and she's seemingly immune to my affections.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Immune to my infections.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54What a curse it is to be held hostage by passions this intense...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57..by a possum in a tent...
0:14:58 > 0:15:03'How to win her currently beating heart?
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- 'I've tried everything! - With a little help from me!'
0:15:09 > 0:15:12FLIES BUZZ
0:15:15 > 0:15:16'Flowers...
0:15:18 > 0:15:22- '..chocolates!- Not just any chocolates either!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25'A delicious selection box of anchovy and frog-eye squidgems,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28'made by my fair hand.'
0:15:28 > 0:15:31'I utilised the power of the written word.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33"I'm watching you.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"I'm mad.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37"I'm coming for you."
0:15:37 > 0:15:38'Oh, pure poetry!'
0:15:39 > 0:15:43It's a mystery to me, Master, how she resisted for so long.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47I mean, you pulled out all the stops, with my assistance, of course.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51Someone at this school has started a hate campaign against me.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I've received things.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59A dead rose, a threatening letter. Chocolates covered in slime.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I'll have to hold an assembly, talk to the kids, write to the parents.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I don't take any of this seriously, but there are rules to follow.
0:16:07 > 0:16:11- That may not be necessary.- Why not?
0:16:12 > 0:16:16- I know who sent you those...things. - Do you? Who?
0:16:16 > 0:16:17HE SIGHS
0:16:17 > 0:16:20It was...m...
0:16:22 > 0:16:23..Renfield!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- Renfield?- I'm afraid he's developed a bit of a crush on you. He said...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32..you were the most...beautiful...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36..captivating, alluring woman...
0:16:36 > 0:16:39ever to have trod this Earth.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41He said that?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- Mmm, well, in his own words, obviously.- Renfield?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Of course! Oh, who else would be insane enough to think
0:16:49 > 0:16:53anyone could possibly like all those disgusting things?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57'One bite and we could be sharing immortality!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59'But how to entice her
0:16:59 > 0:17:02'to leave behind a world of pie charts and progress reports,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06'to wallow in a bloodbath of eternal chaos?'
0:17:08 > 0:17:10All suggestions welcome. Count Dracula.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Now, deliver this as a matter of urgency, Renfield.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I'll wait in the hall for cobweb inspection. I fear you're slacking
0:17:17 > 0:17:21and I will not have this place looking like a show home.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28He's not the only one who's driven wild by lonely longing, is he?
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I mean...am I not a man?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Do I not have blood coursing through my veins?
0:17:35 > 0:17:36More than he does, at any rate.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Hmm! 'There have been near misses.' BELL RINGS
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Didn't you hear me? No...
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- DEEP VOICE:- Why, hello. I'm a lady carpenter
0:17:48 > 0:17:51and I happened to hear that you have a table
0:17:51 > 0:17:54that needs mending in these parts?
0:17:54 > 0:17:55May I come in?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Oh...?!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Where are my manners?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Allow me.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14'Oh, the elusive might-have-beens!'
0:18:18 > 0:18:19GIGGLING
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Any chance of a glass of water? I'm parched!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41'Sweet enchantment that could've been mine.'
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It would be nice to...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48have something all to myself for once.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50THEY GIGGLE
0:18:51 > 0:18:53BERTRAND: 'It's a deplorable state of affairs.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57'The tolerance of breathers in the Dracula household is shocking.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00'The open pursuit of breather females.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03'The employment of a breather manservant,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06'a totally useless breather manservant.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09'Even the black-hearted, evil tongued daughter
0:19:09 > 0:19:13'wasn't immune to the lure of a pulse beater.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Happy birthday.- Aw!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18'A stance she nowadays tries to justify
0:19:18 > 0:19:21'in her so-called self-help video vlog.'
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Tired of centuries of inequality?
0:19:24 > 0:19:29Fed up with the boys getting all the fun? What you need
0:19:29 > 0:19:33is Ingrid Dracula's Self-Help Guide for the Modern Vampiress.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Sisters, in our struggle for equality in the vampire world,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40we must use whatever weapons come to hand.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44And if that means exploiting the odd pathetic breather boy or two,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I say go for it.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Listen to me, meat face!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Swear by all that is morbidly evil
0:19:51 > 0:19:52not to tell anyone about us
0:19:52 > 0:19:55on pain of a long and gruesome death!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- You're very pretty. - Yes, I am.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00'Treat them mean.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Aw! You shouldn't have.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05No, really!
0:20:07 > 0:20:08You shouldn't have.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13'Then treat them even meaner.
0:20:17 > 0:20:22'In short, make their every day a living, breathing hell!'
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Thank you, boys. Just down here will be fine.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Not you, the bag! Go on, scram!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Of course, when it comes to totally ruining the lives
0:20:33 > 0:20:38of the opposite sex, I've had quite the role model to look up to,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41'in the despicable shape of Magda,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43'my mother.'
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Prepare to be dust, you two-timing traitor!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Eat garlic, you pathetic toad!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51'She's self-obsessed...'
0:20:51 > 0:20:56- Your skin...is too pink! - '..she's two-faced...'
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Your fangs are too short.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03You're so...fat...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06we could carpet the castle
0:21:06 > 0:21:08with one of your enormous dresses!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Ha-ha!- Yes, and we can sand-blast the stonework
0:21:11 > 0:21:15with a whiff of your wormy soil breath!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I hate you!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I hate you more!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- 'She's a devious, manipulative...'- Fire!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27'..witch!'
0:21:27 > 0:21:30But those aren't her only fabulous qualities.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34She knows how to twist men around her evil little finger, too.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44I haven't felt this undead for ages!
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Yup, when it comes to getting boys to fall gibbering at your feet,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I've been taught by quite an expert.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Hi, boys.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57- What've we done?- Nothing! I've just been thinking.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00- Maybe I will go to the disco with one of you.- Really?!
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Who? - Depends who wants it the most.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Right now, I've got a pile of ironing that needs doing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08The iron's in the kitchen.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16But while most breather boys are spineless losers
0:22:16 > 0:22:21not worth blunting your fangs on, that's not always true.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28'On very rare occasions, you might find one who's different
0:22:28 > 0:22:33'and then keeping everything under control becomes harder.'
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Safe, Ingrid.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39No-one is safe!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And no-one makes me look...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45..makes me look...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48'For a start, if you fancy a breather boy,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52'your vampiric powers of hypnotism are suddenly useless.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Ingrid... are you all right?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01'It can be a bit of a shock to the system.'
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Oh-agh!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Whoa, what just happened?
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Nothing! Nothing happened, all right?!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12This is the bit where it can get tricky.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17'Handsome young breather boy. Nice hair, bright eyes...'
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Agh! Oh...
0:23:19 > 0:23:24'..and eight pints of fresh blood pulsing through his veins.'
0:23:24 > 0:23:26SHE SNIFFS
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- Oh, Will!- It's OK, I'll live. - I don't want to look!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- It's only a drop of blood.- You don't understand, you have to leave!
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Who'd have thought you'd be squeamish about a tiny drop of...?- Go! Now!
0:23:44 > 0:23:47'You can guess the rest.'
0:23:48 > 0:23:51There's something you should know about me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Mmm?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I'm a vampire.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55OK.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59No, really, I am a vampire.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Oh, I, er... I believe you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05HE SNIGGERS
0:24:11 > 0:24:14SCREAMING
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Where are you going?!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17As far away from you as I can get!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20'I bit Will. He became a vampire.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23'And for one brief moment,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27'I really thought I might be...happy.'
0:24:27 > 0:24:30But all it took was one trigger-happy slayer
0:24:30 > 0:24:32to put an end to all that.
0:24:34 > 0:24:35- Will!- Agh!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46'Poor Will thought he was indestructible, but he wasn't.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Losing Will made me mad.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55Not literally mad, although, actually...
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Watch me as I avenge Will's death
0:24:58 > 0:25:02and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05THROATY LAUGH
0:25:05 > 0:25:08OK, I went on a blood-crazed rampage through the streets of Stokely,
0:25:08 > 0:25:12betrayed my family and left my brother for dead. But I was upset!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17So that's where cosying up and using a breather as a blanket gets you.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Hmm.
0:25:18 > 0:25:24'To sum up, the modern world is a perilous place for the vampires.'
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Ingrid fell in with a breather,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31who became a half-fang and then became a pile of ash.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35Then she lost her mind and tried to wipe out half of Stokely
0:25:35 > 0:25:39and her entire family. This is yet another example
0:25:39 > 0:25:43of why vampires and breathers aren't a good combination.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Something The Count should know by now.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50There is no place for romantic attachments with breathers.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Especially in the case of 600-years-olds,
0:25:52 > 0:25:56who, quite frankly, should be long enough in the fang to know better.
0:25:56 > 0:26:03Breathers are clingy, sentimental and needy creatures.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09And, as far as Bertrand De Fortunesa is concerned,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13the Dracula family would be better off without the lot of them.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16No exceptions.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26To the Manservant Times Quarterly.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31For the attention of...
0:26:31 > 0:26:35Cringe Forelockly, Agony Uncle.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38'Dear Cringe, my name is Renfield.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42'I am the manservant of a professional gentleman
0:26:42 > 0:26:44'who specialises in night work.'
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I need your advice.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I'm looking for a female breather.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52No, no, that's not it.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Ah!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I'm looking for a lovely lady
0:26:58 > 0:27:01to enjoy the more...
0:27:01 > 0:27:03horrible things in life with.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08'My busy schedule makes finding such a creature difficult.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11'Away from my 22-hour working day,
0:27:11 > 0:27:15'my hobbies include needlework, leech shredding
0:27:15 > 0:27:16'and experimental cuisine.'
0:27:16 > 0:27:19A nice bit of rat in cockroach sauce.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21'I dream of sharing friendship,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24'bad times and nice frocks.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28'Oh, a love of music would be a bonus.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30'A poor sense of smell...'
0:27:30 > 0:27:31PARP! '..is essential.'
0:27:31 > 0:27:37I await your reply with sweaty-palmed expectation.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Yours, etc, etc... Renfield!
0:27:41 > 0:27:46- COUNT:- Renfield?! The wolf hair bunging up this plughole
0:27:46 > 0:27:49isn't going to unblock itself!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53One day, mon brave.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55One day.
0:28:05 > 0:28:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd