Carpathian Feast

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0:00:19 > 0:00:21Black bishop takes white pawn.

0:00:21 > 0:00:23RUSHING SOUND

0:00:23 > 0:00:25Dad, Year 8 science class has gone missing.

0:00:25 > 0:00:29I said, black bishop takes white pawn. That's you, boy!

0:00:29 > 0:00:30What are you...?

0:00:30 > 0:00:33Excellent. Be off with you, pawn.

0:00:34 > 0:00:35What are you doing?

0:00:35 > 0:00:39I'm teaching Wolfie how to play chess, obviously.

0:00:39 > 0:00:41But you can't use Year 8!

0:00:41 > 0:00:44Can't! A word for breathers.

0:00:44 > 0:00:48Why have a school of human spawn if you can't have a little sport?

0:00:48 > 0:00:52They're all thoroughly hypnotised. They won't remember a thing.

0:00:52 > 0:00:53That doesn't make it any better.

0:00:53 > 0:00:57You see, Wolfie, chess is the ultimate game

0:00:57 > 0:00:59of tactics and strategy.

0:00:59 > 0:01:01Every move should be an educated

0:01:01 > 0:01:04and intellectual decision.

0:01:04 > 0:01:07Can you move the horsey next?

0:01:09 > 0:01:11I don't know how to play chess, Master.

0:01:11 > 0:01:13You could fill a crypt with what you don't know.

0:01:13 > 0:01:16Right, go back to class.

0:01:16 > 0:01:18- Stay!- Go!

0:01:18 > 0:01:20- Stay!- Go!

0:01:20 > 0:01:21- Stay! Go!- Stay! Go!

0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Stay!- Stay!- Go! Ah...

0:01:25 > 0:01:26You heard the man.

0:01:28 > 0:01:30D-Do you see me laughing?

0:01:30 > 0:01:32RENFIELD SNIGGERS

0:01:39 > 0:01:40I'm back.

0:01:40 > 0:01:44Twice as gorgeous, three times as evil.

0:01:44 > 0:01:46Make that four times as evil.

0:01:46 > 0:01:50KNOCK AT THE DOOR

0:01:50 > 0:01:52- IN A WEAK VOICE:- Come in.

0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Oh, it's you.- Why are you acting like you've just been staked?

0:01:58 > 0:02:00I want people to think I'm still weak.

0:02:00 > 0:02:03That way they'll underestimate me.

0:02:05 > 0:02:07You reek of breather.

0:02:07 > 0:02:11I've been in class with them all day. The stink clings.

0:02:11 > 0:02:15So, what do you say we go into town tonight

0:02:15 > 0:02:19and give some boys the fright of their dull little lives?

0:02:19 > 0:02:21Sorry, I said I'd hang out with Vlad.

0:02:21 > 0:02:24Again? But we had an arrangement.

0:02:24 > 0:02:26Did we?

0:02:27 > 0:02:29It's because he's the Chosen One.

0:02:31 > 0:02:34You think he's going to make YOU his queen?

0:02:34 > 0:02:36We're just friends.

0:02:36 > 0:02:39You're trying to take my place, aren't you?

0:02:39 > 0:02:41I don't want to be his sister.

0:02:41 > 0:02:43It's too weird, even for this place.

0:02:43 > 0:02:45You know what I mean!

0:02:47 > 0:02:49You really need to chill.

0:02:51 > 0:02:54Don't you dare walk away from me!

0:02:54 > 0:02:55DOOR SLAMS

0:02:57 > 0:03:01There's only one Queen of Darkness here!

0:03:01 > 0:03:03Argh!

0:03:05 > 0:03:07CRASHING NOISES

0:03:07 > 0:03:08Ow!

0:03:08 > 0:03:11So it was on...

0:03:11 > 0:03:13October...23rd?

0:03:13 > 0:03:16No, the Battle of Trafalgar was 21st.

0:03:16 > 0:03:20All right. 21st October, 1805.

0:03:20 > 0:03:23Lower gun deck. And just before he died Nelson said...

0:03:23 > 0:03:25er...

0:03:25 > 0:03:26"Kiss me, Hardy".

0:03:26 > 0:03:29No, he didn't, he said "kismet".

0:03:29 > 0:03:31Kismet? He said what?

0:03:31 > 0:03:34Kismet. It means fate.

0:03:38 > 0:03:40No, he didn't.

0:03:40 > 0:03:43Bertrand was there. Well, he is over 400.

0:03:43 > 0:03:46Used to hang around loads of battles, apparently.

0:03:46 > 0:03:50Easy pickings, he says, all that blood.

0:03:50 > 0:03:54- Made a real pig of himself at Waterloo, so...- Ew!

0:04:02 > 0:04:05Mm-hm-hmm.

0:04:16 > 0:04:18Renfield!

0:04:20 > 0:04:22Renfield!

0:04:22 > 0:04:24FAST-APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

0:04:24 > 0:04:25Yes, Master?

0:04:33 > 0:04:35What's happened to my fang file?

0:04:35 > 0:04:39It's as dull as an evening in your miserable company.

0:04:39 > 0:04:42Ow! It's Vlad. He borrowed it for his metalwork project.

0:04:42 > 0:04:45He's always telling me what to do and trifling with my possessions!

0:04:45 > 0:04:47I should kick him up the...

0:04:47 > 0:04:51MYSTICAL SINGING ECHOES INTO THE ROOM

0:04:51 > 0:04:53THE COUNT SIGHS

0:04:53 > 0:04:55It can't be.

0:04:55 > 0:04:58MYSTICAL SINGING CONTINUES

0:04:58 > 0:05:00LADY CONTINUES SINGING

0:05:09 > 0:05:12SINGING DRIFTS INTO THE ROOM

0:05:12 > 0:05:14Is that what I think it is?

0:05:22 > 0:05:26SINGING DRIFTS INTO THE ROOM

0:05:32 > 0:05:36SHE SINGS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE

0:05:50 > 0:05:52What do you think you're doing?

0:05:52 > 0:05:54I was just about to ask YOU the same question.

0:05:54 > 0:05:59But that song, it's Transylvanian. She must be from the old country.

0:05:59 > 0:06:01It's years since I've had a home-cooked meal.

0:06:01 > 0:06:03No! You can't.

0:06:06 > 0:06:08I'm your father.

0:06:08 > 0:06:13Pick a fight with me, boy, and you WILL lose.

0:06:13 > 0:06:15I said no.

0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'm so sorry, must have caught you...

0:06:36 > 0:06:37Just...

0:07:08 > 0:07:10What? I just got lucky...

0:07:20 > 0:07:24So, what's on the menu? Has-beens on toast?

0:07:24 > 0:07:30I hope you don't think I enjoyed seeing you humbled, crushed,

0:07:30 > 0:07:32shamed, humiliated...

0:07:32 > 0:07:35Stop me when you think I've covered it.

0:07:36 > 0:07:40You've got to do something before Vlad gets too strong.

0:07:40 > 0:07:42He might make you Lord of Croydon for a few years,

0:07:42 > 0:07:46but then he'll pack you off to the Twilight Home for the Long in Fang!

0:07:46 > 0:07:50I'd take him on myself if I wasn't still so exhausted.

0:07:50 > 0:07:52I don't need advice from you.

0:07:52 > 0:07:57Of course not. I suppose you know his big weakness.

0:07:59 > 0:08:03Erin? The half fang? He's crushing on her like crazy.

0:08:03 > 0:08:07If you want to get him, get her!

0:08:07 > 0:08:10That's blatantly obvious to anyone with half a brain.

0:08:12 > 0:08:15BELL RINGS

0:08:15 > 0:08:19Come on, you stupid locker!

0:08:19 > 0:08:20Allow me.

0:08:37 > 0:08:41Sweaty hands. What's going on?

0:08:41 > 0:08:44Last night I dumped the mightiest vampire on the planet on his pants

0:08:44 > 0:08:47and today I can't open a stuck locker.

0:08:47 > 0:08:50You were angry and focused, it concentrated your powers.

0:08:50 > 0:08:51You learn to control that

0:08:51 > 0:08:54and you'll be ready to open the Praedictum Impaver.

0:08:54 > 0:08:57- I need to do more training. - Have you seen the Count today?

0:08:57 > 0:09:03- He's avoiding me.- He's seen the future. He has to feel relevant.

0:09:03 > 0:09:07It's vital that he's reassured, otherwise he's got nothing to lose.

0:09:07 > 0:09:10He'll go on a killing spree, bring the slayers down on us.

0:09:10 > 0:09:16Until you open the book, he won't be ready to lead us at Kingston.

0:09:16 > 0:09:18We need more time.

0:09:34 > 0:09:35So...

0:09:35 > 0:09:38Er...

0:09:38 > 0:09:41Wolfie, did you enjoy your chess lesson?

0:09:41 > 0:09:45Did Dad show you his famous Transylvanian opening gambit?

0:09:45 > 0:09:47It was boring.

0:09:48 > 0:09:52Unlike me, he doesn't appreciate the Count's wisdom.

0:09:52 > 0:09:54Shut up, Renfield.

0:09:54 > 0:09:56Lunch is served...

0:09:56 > 0:09:59What gastronomic delights are you tempting us with?

0:09:59 > 0:10:00The Master's favourite.

0:10:00 > 0:10:03And by Master you mean...?

0:10:06 > 0:10:09SLURPING NOISES

0:10:09 > 0:10:13Ocelot Wellington in a sticky badger sauce.

0:10:13 > 0:10:16Ooh, delicious.

0:10:22 > 0:10:24Absolutely revolting!

0:10:26 > 0:10:30It's disgusting, Master! That pup needs teaching some manners.

0:10:30 > 0:10:33Good idea, Renfield. See to it.

0:10:33 > 0:10:35As you say, Master.

0:10:38 > 0:10:42Where's the ocelot's nose?

0:10:42 > 0:10:45I always get the ocelot's nose! Right, that's it.

0:10:45 > 0:10:47Apologies, I thought now Master Vlad...

0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's a mistake. Dad, this is yours.

0:10:49 > 0:10:52Keep it. I've decided to satiate my appetite

0:10:52 > 0:10:56with a little Transylvanian cleaner I know.

0:10:56 > 0:10:58Don't try and stop me, I'm ready for you this time.

0:10:58 > 0:11:01And what if that brings the slayers down on us?

0:11:01 > 0:11:05You're a big boy now, I'm sure you can handle it.

0:11:05 > 0:11:07Now you're just being silly.

0:11:07 > 0:11:09Silly....

0:11:25 > 0:11:28I've been the scourge of nations,

0:11:28 > 0:11:35star of 10,000 nightmares and now I'm just silly.

0:11:35 > 0:11:39Count Silly of...

0:11:39 > 0:11:41Croydon!

0:11:41 > 0:11:46Dad, I'm sorry if I've offended you. Really, I am.

0:11:46 > 0:11:48Prove it.

0:11:48 > 0:11:51How?

0:11:51 > 0:11:56I want you to throw a Carpathian feast tonight - in my honour.

0:11:56 > 0:11:57Yes.

0:11:57 > 0:12:03Yes. A dinner for me and my pals.

0:12:03 > 0:12:06It'll prove that you still value and revere me.

0:12:06 > 0:12:09Yeah, I can do that.

0:12:09 > 0:12:14Renfield, make the usual discreet travel arrangements for the guests.

0:12:14 > 0:12:18That's it? That's the wrath of the mighty Count Dracula?

0:12:18 > 0:12:22He throws a party and it's all happy families?

0:12:24 > 0:12:26You aren't invited.

0:12:36 > 0:12:38Let me tell you about fine dining.

0:12:47 > 0:12:54These are not ordinary maggots, these are hand-reared maggots,

0:12:54 > 0:12:57fed on a diet of elephant dung

0:12:57 > 0:13:03and matured in a barrel of badgers' wee.

0:13:03 > 0:13:07This is not just vampire food,

0:13:07 > 0:13:11this is vampire food heaven.

0:13:11 > 0:13:17Now get a good handful and shove it in your gob.

0:13:17 > 0:13:19That doesn't sound posh.

0:13:19 > 0:13:22It's how the fancy French vampires do it and they know better than you,

0:13:22 > 0:13:24you little hooligan!

0:13:27 > 0:13:30Hosting a party for Dad's old cronies is a torture of its own kind

0:13:30 > 0:13:33but if that's all it takes...

0:13:33 > 0:13:37- Learn not to take things at face value.- What? What have I missed?

0:13:37 > 0:13:40There hasn't been a Carpathian feast for hundreds of years.

0:13:40 > 0:13:44- There's something that happens... - I'll jump out of a cake if I have to.

0:13:44 > 0:13:48A vampire of the Count's choosing is roasted to death in his honour.

0:13:48 > 0:13:54- I hope you're happy. - Ingrid, I'm so sorry.

0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Look, I won't let him do this to you. - It's not me, it's Erin.

0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Oh!- Vlad!

0:14:04 > 0:14:07Daddy, I am so proud of you.

0:14:08 > 0:14:10SHE SOBS

0:14:19 > 0:14:23Leave me alone. I'm not going to let him do this.

0:14:23 > 0:14:26Then you'll fail his test. He knows you've got a thing for her.

0:14:26 > 0:14:28We're just friends.

0:14:28 > 0:14:32Vlad, I'm over 400, I know when a guy's into a girl.

0:14:32 > 0:14:35She walks into a room, you get a silly grin on your face.

0:14:35 > 0:14:38OK, I'll tell Dad I don't have feelings for her

0:14:38 > 0:14:41and he'll stop playing his silly games and let her go.

0:14:41 > 0:14:44If you do anything to stop him burning Erin,

0:14:44 > 0:14:47he's going to know that you've put your wishes above his.

0:14:47 > 0:14:52- Vlad, you know where that will lead. - I'm going to see Erin.

0:15:00 > 0:15:03Are you OK?

0:15:03 > 0:15:06Do I look like it?! Can you get me out?

0:15:06 > 0:15:08It's not that simple...

0:15:08 > 0:15:09I was talking to Vlad!

0:15:09 > 0:15:13He's right. It's complicated.

0:15:13 > 0:15:17Not from where I am. You open the cage, I run away.

0:15:17 > 0:15:19- End of.- I just can't right now.

0:15:20 > 0:15:22Some boyfriend you are.

0:15:22 > 0:15:25I've been begging Dad to choose someone else

0:15:25 > 0:15:26but he's determined.

0:15:26 > 0:15:30I will find a way to get you out of this. I promise.

0:15:51 > 0:15:58My friends. I'd like to extend to you the warmest of welcomes.

0:15:58 > 0:16:00But it won't be as warm as the welcome

0:16:00 > 0:16:03we'll be giving the half fang!

0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER

0:16:05 > 0:16:06Where's Vladdy?

0:16:19 > 0:16:21Seen the time?

0:16:21 > 0:16:25- Shouldn't you be doing the meet and greet at Dad's feast?- In a minute.

0:16:25 > 0:16:30- There must be a way to save Erin in one of these.- I'll look if you want.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32Why would you do that?

0:16:32 > 0:16:35She did rescue me when I was ill.

0:16:35 > 0:16:36OK, thanks.

0:16:57 > 0:16:59Enjoy.

0:17:01 > 0:17:04Will you cheer up?

0:17:04 > 0:17:07You can't let the Count see you fretting over Erin.

0:17:07 > 0:17:10He has to believe that you're fine with it.

0:17:10 > 0:17:12But time's running out to save her.

0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Then maybe you have to face the fact that...- I'm not...

0:17:15 > 0:17:17Everything all right, Vladdy?

0:17:17 > 0:17:21- No second thoughts about my little celebration?- Not at all.

0:17:21 > 0:17:23Just going to get a case of Chateau Peasant.

0:17:23 > 0:17:25- '42.- That's the one.

0:17:32 > 0:17:35Guess who's found a way to save Erin.

0:17:35 > 0:17:37I have to kiss you?

0:17:37 > 0:17:39Technically, I have to kiss you.

0:17:40 > 0:17:44Are you using a desperate situation to get a cheap snog?

0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's ancient vampire lore,

0:17:47 > 0:17:51a kiss from the Chosen One will protect you from the flames.

0:17:51 > 0:17:55OK then. Best just go for it.

0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yep.

0:18:29 > 0:18:31Vlad.

0:18:33 > 0:18:35Your lips were warm.

0:18:37 > 0:18:38They can't be unless...

0:18:40 > 0:18:41Unless you're a breather!

0:18:41 > 0:18:45I should've told you. I'm so sorry.

0:18:45 > 0:18:49How did I not know?

0:18:49 > 0:18:50Why?

0:18:50 > 0:18:54My brother's been bitten and I need to find a cure for him.

0:18:54 > 0:18:58If I could find a cure anywhere, it would be with the Draculas.

0:18:58 > 0:19:00You could've been honest with me!

0:19:00 > 0:19:02I was scared.

0:19:02 > 0:19:06I told you I want humans and vampires to live together.

0:19:06 > 0:19:10I trusted you and you lied to me.

0:19:10 > 0:19:12But I didn't know you like I do now.

0:19:12 > 0:19:15Anyway, you were trusting me with a secret,

0:19:15 > 0:19:17I would have been trusting you with my life.

0:19:19 > 0:19:22You can't just leave me to burn...

0:19:25 > 0:19:27Vlad, help me. Please!

0:19:43 > 0:19:46I need some advice about maggots.

0:19:49 > 0:19:50Two minutes.

0:19:53 > 0:19:57Nothing like burning a half fang to brighten up your day!

0:19:57 > 0:20:00Well said, Vladdy. Drink.

0:20:01 > 0:20:06Master Wolfie! I did my best with him

0:20:06 > 0:20:10but I'm afraid you can't teach a young werewolf old tricks.

0:20:10 > 0:20:13Well he certainly looks the part.

0:20:13 > 0:20:15Hors d'oeuvre, Master Wolfie?

0:20:36 > 0:20:40Thank you. That was absolutely scrumptious.

0:20:40 > 0:20:42That's not what I told you to do!

0:20:42 > 0:20:44This is what I told you to do!

0:20:44 > 0:20:46HE SHOUTS THROUGH MOUTHFULS

0:20:51 > 0:20:55I'm sorely tempted to toast you as well as the half fang.

0:20:57 > 0:21:00It has to be that way, it is vampire law.

0:21:00 > 0:21:02No way around it?

0:21:02 > 0:21:04None. Rules are rules.

0:21:04 > 0:21:05There you are, Vlad.

0:21:05 > 0:21:09Apologies, I need to speak to my son urgently.

0:21:09 > 0:21:11I just saved you from a fate worse than staking.

0:21:11 > 0:21:13Augustus is such a bore.

0:21:13 > 0:21:15Enough to send anyone to sleep.

0:21:41 > 0:21:42Bring in the half fang!

0:21:42 > 0:21:44CHEERING

0:21:44 > 0:21:47Hold on, hold on.

0:21:49 > 0:21:52Before the climax of what has been a fantastic evening,

0:21:52 > 0:21:56I'd like to say a few words about the Count.

0:21:56 > 0:22:00The Count, my dad, has let me down.

0:22:03 > 0:22:07When I was growing up, he didn't warn me that not every vampire I met

0:22:07 > 0:22:13would have his charm, his charisma, his intellect...

0:22:16 > 0:22:20Everything I will become, I owe to him.

0:22:22 > 0:22:27Gentlemen, I give you my role model. My inspiration.

0:22:27 > 0:22:29My father.

0:22:29 > 0:22:31CHEERING

0:22:31 > 0:22:35- Now, bring on the half fang! - Bring on the half fang!

0:22:51 > 0:22:55- What are you looking so pleased about?- I've done a terrible thing.

0:22:55 > 0:22:57I told Vlad that a kiss from the Chosen One

0:22:57 > 0:23:00- would protect Erin from the flames. - You what?- He fell for it.

0:23:00 > 0:23:03He was still trying to stop it?

0:23:03 > 0:23:05Well, you know my brother.

0:23:05 > 0:23:06Vlad!

0:23:06 > 0:23:07I'll take her from here.

0:23:13 > 0:23:15Come on, half fang, out you come.

0:23:27 > 0:23:31Can I have the honour of throwing her in?

0:23:31 > 0:23:33Of course.

0:23:36 > 0:23:40- You have filled in all the forms, haven't you?- Forms? What forms?

0:23:40 > 0:23:43Permission to burn a fellow vampire.

0:23:43 > 0:23:45I don't need permission.

0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yes, you do, Augustus said.

0:23:47 > 0:23:51What was it that you were saying about the forms?

0:23:53 > 0:23:57The Vampire High Council directive of 1832

0:23:57 > 0:24:00said that every feast must be sanctioned by them.

0:24:00 > 0:24:03- You're here, sanction it. - It's not that simple, Dad.

0:24:03 > 0:24:06You need to fill in form 965 and have board approval.

0:24:06 > 0:24:08Oh really! This is ridiculous.

0:24:08 > 0:24:12He says failure to comply will result in ritual staking. I know...

0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Stupid burobats and their... - Let's do it anyway.

0:24:15 > 0:24:17Red tape. Absolutely, get on with it.

0:24:18 > 0:24:23- On my count... One...- One...

0:24:24 > 0:24:27- Two...- Two...

0:24:31 > 0:24:33Three!

0:24:33 > 0:24:35- Three! - Can I just have a quick...

0:24:38 > 0:24:41One moment.

0:24:41 > 0:24:43We've all had such a nice evening,

0:24:43 > 0:24:48no need to spoil it by upsetting the High Council.

0:24:48 > 0:24:50It's your party. You're the boss.

0:24:50 > 0:24:55What do I say...to them?

0:24:55 > 0:24:57Leave it to me.

0:25:01 > 0:25:07My apologies, gentlemen, it appears we have neglected

0:25:07 > 0:25:09filling in the appropriate forms to burn the half fang.

0:25:09 > 0:25:11I was telling him earlier...

0:25:11 > 0:25:16The penalty is ritual staking for all attending.

0:25:16 > 0:25:20The Draculas are not one to ruin people's entertainment,

0:25:20 > 0:25:23so we are leaving it to you - shall we proceed?

0:25:25 > 0:25:26I wouldn't.

0:25:26 > 0:25:29If there's more of this Chateau Peasant, what does it matter

0:25:29 > 0:25:31if the half fang doesn't burn?!

0:25:31 > 0:25:35Bring up a crate of Chateau Peasant, the '42.

0:25:38 > 0:25:39Well done, Vladdy.

0:25:39 > 0:25:41Well done.

0:25:41 > 0:25:43Come on.

0:25:48 > 0:25:51Have you any idea how terrifying that was?

0:25:51 > 0:25:53Yes, I do.

0:25:53 > 0:25:55I thought you were going to throw me in that fire.

0:25:55 > 0:25:59I had to take it to the edge or Dad would've worked out what I was up to.

0:25:59 > 0:26:03Why didn't you tell me the truth? I get why you didn't, but...

0:26:03 > 0:26:06I should've. I know. I was just so desperate to find a cure for Ryan.

0:26:06 > 0:26:08There isn't one, I've tried everything.

0:26:08 > 0:26:13Can you categorically tell me there isn't a cure?

0:26:13 > 0:26:14Well...no.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16Then I'm not going to give up.

0:26:17 > 0:26:20I've got to keep trying. He's my brother.

0:26:20 > 0:26:21Is that the reason you stayed?

0:26:24 > 0:26:28At first, but you're special, Vlad.

0:26:28 > 0:26:31I believed you when you said you wanted humans and vampires

0:26:31 > 0:26:32to live together.

0:26:32 > 0:26:35My own kind are going to hate this idea

0:26:35 > 0:26:37and will do everything they can to stop it.

0:26:39 > 0:26:40Will you stay and help me?

0:26:43 > 0:26:45Yes. Yes I will.

0:26:45 > 0:26:49I'll always protect you, I promise.

0:26:51 > 0:26:54You've got to be the sweetest vampire in the world.

0:26:55 > 0:26:58Let's face it, there's not much competition.

0:27:00 > 0:27:02Fresh start, yeah?

0:27:02 > 0:27:04No more secrets?

0:27:06 > 0:27:08No more secrets.

0:27:21 > 0:27:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:24 > 0:27:27E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk