0:00:19 > 0:00:25This programme contains some strong language
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the Clapham Grand stage,
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Mr Phill Jupitus! CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:49My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:49 > 0:00:53what a fine, magical evening of music hall mystery
0:00:53 > 0:00:56we have concocted for... Nobody's dressed up!
0:00:59 > 0:01:03No-one else is wearing the gear! They said they'd be wearing the g...
0:01:03 > 0:01:08I went to a clinic in west London. These were on Betty Boothroyd 12 hours ago.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13And not upstairs either!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Have those, mate. You look like you could use them.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Ladies and gentlemen, we have a fine evening for you of music hall mayhem!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28CHEERING
0:01:28 > 0:01:33And to kick it off in fine style, a musical turn, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:33 > 0:01:38Seven young men from north London who charge extra for coming south of the Thames.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Men who are worth every shilling.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45While I nip offstage and beat the crap out of a researcher,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49would you please welcome...MADNESS!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53CHEERING
0:02:08 > 0:02:09# Good morning, miss
0:02:09 > 0:02:11# Can I help you, son?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# 16 today
0:02:13 > 0:02:15# And out for fun
0:02:15 > 0:02:17# I'm a big boy now or so they say
0:02:17 > 0:02:19# So if you serve, I'll be on my way
0:02:23 > 0:02:27# Box of balloons with the feather-light touch
0:02:27 > 0:02:30# Pack of party poppers that pop in the night
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# A toothbrush and hairspray Plastic grin
0:02:32 > 0:02:35# Miss Clay on all corners has just walked in
0:02:35 > 0:02:37# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:02:37 > 0:02:38# Now I've come of age
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# Welcome to the lion's den
0:02:44 > 0:02:46# Temptation's on his way
0:02:46 > 0:02:48# Welcome to the House of... #
0:02:48 > 0:02:52A funny thing happened to me on the way to the theatre tonight.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54What was it again?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# N-n-n-n-n-n-no, no, miss
0:02:57 > 0:02:58# You have misunderstood
0:02:58 > 0:03:00# 16 big boy
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# A full pint in my manhood
0:03:02 > 0:03:05# I'm up to date and the date's today
0:03:05 > 0:03:07# So if you serve, I'll be on my way
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:03:09 > 0:03:10# Now I've come of age
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Welcome to the lion's den
0:03:13 > 0:03:14# Temptation's on his way
0:03:14 > 0:03:16# Welcome to the House of... #
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Ice cream!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Ice cream!
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And his amazing dancing teeth!
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# I'm sorry, son
0:03:29 > 0:03:31# But we don't stock
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# Party gimmicks
0:03:33 > 0:03:35# In this shop
0:03:35 > 0:03:36# Try the House of Fun
0:03:36 > 0:03:38# It's quicker if you run
0:03:38 > 0:03:40# This is a chemist
0:03:40 > 0:03:42# Not a joke shop
0:03:42 > 0:03:43# Party hats
0:03:43 > 0:03:45# Simple enough, clear
0:03:45 > 0:03:47# Comprehende, savvy, understand
0:03:47 > 0:03:49# Well, do you hear?
0:03:49 > 0:03:50# A pack of party hats
0:03:50 > 0:03:53# With the coloured tips
0:03:53 > 0:03:54# Too late!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57# Gorgon's heard gossip
0:03:57 > 0:03:58# "Well, hello, Joe Hello, Miss Clay
0:03:58 > 0:04:00# Many happy returns from the day
0:04:00 > 0:04:03# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:03 > 0:04:04# Now I've come of age
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:08 > 0:04:10# Welcome to the lion's den
0:04:10 > 0:04:12# Temptation's on his way
0:04:12 > 0:04:14# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:15 > 0:04:18# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:18 > 0:04:19# Now I've come of age
0:04:19 > 0:04:21# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# Welcome to the lion's den
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# Temptation's on his way
0:04:27 > 0:04:29# Welcome to the House of Fun
0:04:30 > 0:04:35# Welcome to the House of Fun. # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:45Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your co-host for this evening, Mr Marcus Brigstocke!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Hello!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I am Marcus Brigstocke.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55What a wonderful knees-up we are having here this evening!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59You don't mind me coming in your box there, madam? There's saucy!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Now, what's gonna be on next, I wonder?
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Is it gonna be a mind-reading bicyclist
0:05:05 > 0:05:09who sets fire to budgerigars to the theme of Crash, Bang, Wallop, What A Picture?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13No, I highly doubt it because Phill Jupitus has just come backstage
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and said that everybody was dressed up and I'd better put this on.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21What a thundering bollock I now feel!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Never mind, ladies and gentlemen, we have got a truly fantastic evening of entertainment for you.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29And now I'm going to introduce someone
0:05:29 > 0:05:32who I believe to be one of the funniest people I have ever met
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and I have met six people.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Ladies and gentlemen, please clap until the meat falls off your hands
0:05:38 > 0:05:41for the wonderful Mr Milton Jones!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45CHEERING
0:05:55 > 0:05:57So, good evening.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I've just come back from Australia.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05CHEERING Thanks. It's great to be back.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09While I was there, I learnt some Aborigine words,
0:06:09 > 0:06:15like "boo" which means "to return"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18cos when you throw an ordinary meringue...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I've just come back from Holland.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27CHEERING
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Thanks. It's great to be back.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32While I was there, I was in a fish restaurant.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36The bloke on the table next to me began to cough. I ignored him.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39He began to choke. I still ignored him.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Then he began to choke really badly
0:06:41 > 0:06:45so in the end, I stood up and I smacked him on the back really hard.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Anyway, it turns out he was just speaking Dutch.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56That works with Welsh as well.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet
0:07:03 > 0:07:07and he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Turns out I'd phoned Dial-A-Llama.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Did you ever have a conversation with someone and towards the end they say, "Well, I'll let you go"?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And you think, "Yeah, thanks.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Oh, I see what you're saying -
0:07:32 > 0:07:36"you're trying to make me think that you think I've got better things to do,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"but in reality, you're saying that YOU'VE got better things to do."
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Next time someone says that to you,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44say, "NO!"
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Shut the door.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by the ankles.
0:07:53 > 0:07:59As they're dangling four storeys above the car park, screaming, "This has all been a terrible mistake!"
0:07:59 > 0:08:02say, "OK, I'll let you go."
0:08:07 > 0:08:11If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work,
0:08:11 > 0:08:13beekeepers are gonna be furious.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23The pollen count...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's a difficult job.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Especially if you've got hay fever.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36One sneeze and you have to start again.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43I didn't have a very good summer last year. I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46But the hosepipe ban hit us hard.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Incredible to think, isn't it, that every single Scotsman started out as a Scotch egg.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Cold and gingery.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Any Scotsmen here?
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- Yes!- I've got a bit of Scottish blood myself
0:09:15 > 0:09:18on a kitchen knife.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I enjoy playing Scottish music
0:09:26 > 0:09:28on my Och-iPod.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'm very English, really. I even ordered a book on the internet -
0:09:36 > 0:09:40How To Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With Your Neighbours.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Militant feminists!- Woo!- Woo!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I take my hat off to them. They don't like that.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs - I don't think so.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Retired mermaids.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23The worst job I ever had was forensic pathologist for the United Nations.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28I remember uncovering the mass grave of 1,000 snowmen.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Fortunately...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36it turned out to be a field full of carrots.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Well, it's been great to be here.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49To be honest...
0:10:49 > 0:10:55People say that as well. "Do you mean everything you've said so far hasn't been honest?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"How can we trust what you're gonna say now?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Anyway, you've been a great audience, but to be honest...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'll let you go.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10CHEERING Very good.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14My life hasn't been entirely wasted.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17After all, I was the man who discovered DNA.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Woo!
0:11:19 > 0:11:24I wasn't gonna call it that, but I was giving a lecture to the Royal Society.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30I said, "Gentlemen, I believe I have discovered the genetic fingerprint of all human life!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33"Ta-da!"
0:11:33 > 0:11:36APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:39That's all from me. Thank you very much, good night. CHEERING
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Hello! HELLO!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50CHEERING
0:11:50 > 0:11:54People of London!
0:11:54 > 0:11:58So we're now here in the balcony where, back in the ye olde days of music hall,
0:11:58 > 0:12:04the landowners would live and throw meat and butlers onto the poor.
0:12:04 > 0:12:10But of course it's not like that now cos nobody can afford property in south London!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Anyhow, onwards and upwards,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17one of the facets of the music hall industry is of course the magic act
0:12:17 > 0:12:20or the prestidigitation as they used to call it then.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Quite rightly, people who practised it were burnt at the stake.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29However, things have moved on and now magic is sexy and fabulous
0:12:29 > 0:12:32and the kind of thing that makes ladies tingle downstairs.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36If you don't believe me, look at these two young men coming on the stage now.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Please welcome the curious stylings of...Barry and Stuart!
0:12:40 > 0:12:44CHEERING
0:12:53 > 0:12:56It's Mr Barry Jones.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00WOLF WHISTLE
0:13:00 > 0:13:036'3", two eyes,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06only one functioning testicle.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12With an emo haircut like that, it's clear to all that he's got a Myspace.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20The thing is that he's only got one friend - Horny For Love, 69.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21That's his mum.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24OMG!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Barry also likes to think of himself as a bit of an artist.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Tosser.
0:13:30 > 0:13:36He spends many a lonely night staring at a blank canvas, waiting for inspiration to strike.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Oh, look, he's found a muse - a girl down at the front.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He throws her the flower.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Gives her a smile.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47She flashes Barry her right breast.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00In her mind.
0:14:00 > 0:14:06Barry takes that inspiration and furiously lets his creativity spill forth onto the page.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09He draws the most beautiful thing humanity has ever beheld.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17A circle. Does the circle represent the artist's empty soul?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Does it represent the cyclical nature of reality?
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Or is it just a massive tit?
0:14:25 > 0:14:28He decides to add some detail - some shapes up there,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30some shading and texture down there.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33It makes his drawing almost lifelike.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39He now gives his work a name, the usual pretentious name will do,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Untitled 1 or something like that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Oh, look, he's calling it Bowling Ball. How enigmatic(!)
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Displeased with his design, he covers it up.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53He spirals downwards into a state of manic depression.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56He decides to give up drawing and takes up sculpture.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Ohhh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Barry!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That's Barry Jones there, also available in straight.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22Please make some noise for king AND queen of the hermaphrodites, Stuart!
0:15:22 > 0:15:25CHEERING, HORSE NEIGHS
0:15:28 > 0:15:345'8". Arms like Samson. Face like broken Ryvita crackers.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Stuart is the keeper of puzzles,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40many of which he keeps... in his mouth.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:51His favourite puzzle of all is the Rubik's Cube,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54except when they're all mixed up.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57That mix of colours just gives Stuart a headache.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00And although he likes to think himself the keeper of puzzles,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03he's certainly not the solver of them,
0:16:03 > 0:16:08for every time he moves the bits around, the puzzle remains completely mixed up.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10So he has to cheat.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13He uses his magic to solve the cube in mid-air.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:28A feat so impressive that the girl at the front shows Stuart her right breast.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Come on, it was worth a try!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Then, overcome with the guilt of using his magic to solve the Rubik's Cube,
0:16:37 > 0:16:39he pretends the whole thing never happened
0:16:39 > 0:16:43and he just makes the cube...disappear.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:48 > 0:16:49That's Stuart!
0:16:49 > 0:16:53CHEERING
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Thanks. Right, we're gonna need a willing volunteer from the crowd.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Me!
0:17:03 > 0:17:09Now, we understand it can be quite stressful coming up here what with the lights and all the people
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and the cameras so you, sir, you right there, make your way to the stage.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Keeps your hands where we can see them. Give him a round of applause!
0:17:16 > 0:17:19CHEERING
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Come on, come up the stairs.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Keep moving, a little faster than that.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Stand right there.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Right, you got a mobile phone on you?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30You got a phone on you? Face the people!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Take it out or we'll kick your nuts right off.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Yeah, then we'll stamp on your empty scrotum.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Give him your phone or we'll give you a wet willy.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44With a knife! Come on, give it here!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46What you've just witnessed is a mugging.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Sorry about that one, Victim.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- But we did it to prove a point. - Why don't you tell them what that point is?- Love to.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02The point is a pocket isn't a safe place to keep a mobile phone.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Where do you think's the safest place to keep your mobile?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Shoes?
0:18:12 > 0:18:16- No.- It's inside you. - Right inside you.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18You know, behind your skin.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- That's a pretty nifty shirt you've got on today.- Thanks.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- Where did you get that shirt from? - Oh, thank you.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It was Harry's House of Hetero-Retro Fashions.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Just next to Gary's Garage of Gay Garments, you'll know where that is.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Was it expensive? - It was about £4,500.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- WOLF WHISTLE, CHEERING - Reasonable.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I don't know what you're worrying about. You don't look pigeon-chested.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- You look all right. - Come on, Barry, just hurry up.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Here's how we get your phone into his skin.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- You ready, Stuart?- Aye!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Aaaaaah!
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Aaaaah!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Aaaaaaah!
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Aaaaaah!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Aaaaaah!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Aaaaaah!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Thanks, Barry. Now your phone is somewhere near my liver.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18To show you the phone's precise location,
0:19:18 > 0:19:22we've conveniently brought along this X-ray machine.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Before the show started, I had a barium drink,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28a special radioactive fluid.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31It means that your phone should show up on an X-ray picture.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I've got this photographic plate
0:19:33 > 0:19:39that means a picture will develop here, showing the exact location of your mobile phone.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- I'll just take an image now. - TING!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Oh! Barry, I think it's done.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Let's have a look.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Well, looking at that completely real and in no way fake picture,
0:19:56 > 0:20:02I can tell that that mobile phone is poking right into your cock.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Potential victims - listen up.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11This is the safest place in the world to keep your phone
0:20:11 > 0:20:13because no mugger can get his hands on it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16After all, there is only one way you can get it out.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Do it, Barry.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Aaaaaah!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25You've missed it.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30I know I missed it!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Pull your arm out and try again.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I can't get my arm back, it's stuck.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Stuart, I'm gonna have to go forward.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Oh God! Aaaaah!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Shitting hell!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Aaaaah!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46When was the last time you clipped your nails, man?
0:20:46 > 0:20:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Hey, I found your phone!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Take it, take it.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Is it your phone?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01It is now!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03All right, go back and sit down.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Yeah. Never again will you be called a victim.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Right, Barry, could you get out of my stomach now?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19You're on my bladder and I really need a piss.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- All right, but I think we should make a big thing of this. - What do you mean?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27- Like a grand finale.- Like a grand ending with music and lights?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Yeah, one of them.- All right.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32FANFARE
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Stuart...I'm going to do a back flip!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38A back flip? Wow!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46CHEERING
0:22:07 > 0:22:10This is exactly what it would have been like back in those days
0:22:10 > 0:22:16and one of the reasons we at the BBC thought it'd be great if we revived the music halls tradition.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I don't know if any of you read the papers,
0:22:18 > 0:22:24but TB and syphilis are back so why not music hall as well to give that authentic feeling?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28For your delight, on the stage now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:28 > 0:22:32a man who describes himself as Britain's most wanted children's act.
0:22:32 > 0:22:37Would you please welcome to the stage...Mr Jeremy Lion!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Good evening. My name is... HE BELCHES
0:22:52 > 0:22:55My name is Jeremy Lion...
0:22:56 > 0:22:58..children's entertainer!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00HE BELCHES
0:23:02 > 0:23:05It is an extraordinary pleasure for me to be here this evening
0:23:05 > 0:23:10in this wonderful Edwardian theatre/leisure centre... HE BELCHES
0:23:10 > 0:23:14..to perform for you in my capacity as...
0:23:14 > 0:23:15HE BELCHES Jesus!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I'm gonna stop and apologise for a second.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24I've got a tiny pocket of wind trapped just below my ribs.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I don't normally get that sort of... HE BELCHES
0:23:28 > 0:23:34I'm not entirely sure where that's come from. Earlier on this morning,
0:23:34 > 0:23:40I ate 142 mint Poppets for a bet with my hairdresser
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and one of them appears to have... HE BELCHES
0:23:42 > 0:23:45..to have become lodged just below my sternum,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47so apologies for that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51It's causing me some... HE BELCHES ..discomfort.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Now, I'm going to sing a special children's counting song.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59A special treat for you. I shall be joined on stage and please welcome him...
0:23:59 > 0:24:02HE BELCHES Please welcome him onto the stage,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05my pianist, Mr Leslie Keyworth!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Come on, Leslie, on you come! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:16We thought we'd do something rather special for you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18It's Edwardian, it's music hall.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Now, let us take you forward in time for a bit of a festive treat.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23It's Christmas!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass of mulled wine with me
0:24:30 > 0:24:32as I sing... HE BELCHES Jesus!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36You'd think a Poppet would melt after six hours!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Raise a glass as I sing for you all my beautiful children's counting classic,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43The Twelve Days of Christmas. Thank you, Leslie.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# A partridge in a pear tree... #
0:24:50 > 0:24:53CHEERING
0:24:55 > 0:24:58# On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:24:58 > 0:25:02# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree... #
0:25:02 > 0:25:05CHEERING
0:25:05 > 0:25:07You see how it works.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13# On the third day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:25:13 > 0:25:17# Three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# On the fourth day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# Four calling birds Three French hens
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# Two French hens and a partridge... #
0:25:34 > 0:25:38# On the fifth day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:25:38 > 0:25:43# FIVE GOLD RINGS!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Four calling birds Three French hens
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Two and a partridge... #
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Let's go!
0:25:51 > 0:25:55# On the sixth day of Christmas My true love sent... #
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- HE BELCHES What's six?- Geese.- Are you sure?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- I'm not sure it's geese. - It says "geese".
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Six geese a-milking
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# FIVE GOLD RINGS!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# Four boiling cans Three bent hens
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# Two turtles' heads and... #
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# On the seventh day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #
0:26:18 > 0:26:20HE BELCHES
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# Seven brides for seven brothers
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# Six milky geese
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# FIVE GOLD RINGS!
0:26:30 > 0:26:34# Four boiling cans Three bent pens
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# Two furry gloves and a partridge... #
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Spot-on! HE BELCHES
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- What are we on, four?- Eight.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# On the eighth day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# Eight legs on a spider
0:26:54 > 0:26:57# Seven legs on a weirdo
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# Six legs on an insect
0:27:00 > 0:27:04# FIVE GOLD RINGS!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Four legs on a table
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# Three on a stool
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# Two on a cat
0:27:11 > 0:27:12# And a partridge... #
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- On a cat?- Yes, on a cat!
0:27:18 > 0:27:21If it was on its hind legs, boxing.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Must you question everything I do?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- What are we on, four?- Ten.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32# On the tenth day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# The Ten O'Clock News
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# The Nine O'Clock News
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Eight O'Clock News The Seven O'Clock News
0:27:41 > 0:27:42# Six O'Clock News
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# FIVE GOLD RINGS!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Four O'Clock News The Two O'Clock News
0:27:47 > 0:27:50# And some news about a partridge. #
0:27:52 > 0:27:56I got a bit lost there but I don't think anyone noticed.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58- LAUGHTER - Eleven.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# On the eleventh day of Christmas My true love sent to me... #
0:28:01 > 0:28:03HE BELCHES
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Oceans Eleven... #
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:10# Ten with Bo Derek
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Nine and a half weeks
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# Police Academy Eight
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Uh...Seven with Brad Pitt
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Six Degrees of Separation
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# FIVE GOLD RINGS
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# Four a Few Dollars More
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# Three Musketeers
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Two-mb Raider And a partridge... #
0:28:37 > 0:28:38We have now...
0:28:40 > 0:28:42We have now reached...
0:28:44 > 0:28:46..day twelve
0:28:46 > 0:28:49of my twelve-step drinking challenge.
0:28:50 > 0:28:55Raise your glasses as I sing for you now The Twelve Days of Christmas.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01# On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me
0:29:01 > 0:29:03# Twelve Angry Men
0:29:05 > 0:29:08# Eleven legs on a spider on a stool
0:29:13 > 0:29:15# Ten Angry Men
0:29:15 > 0:29:18# Two of them have just calmed down
0:29:21 > 0:29:24# Nine years since she left
0:29:27 > 0:29:29# Eight Angry Men
0:29:29 > 0:29:33# Two of them found some Prozac in a bin
0:29:36 > 0:29:38# Seven legs on a buggered spider
0:29:40 > 0:29:43# Six of your fucking geese
0:29:45 > 0:29:49# FIVE GOLD RINGS... #
0:29:49 > 0:29:51Count me down!
0:29:51 > 0:29:52Four...
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Three...
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Two...
0:29:56 > 0:30:03ALL: # And a partridge in a pear tree. #
0:30:07 > 0:30:11Merry Christmas and good night to all.
0:30:21 > 0:30:26Hello, my marvellous music hall muppets.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Good evening, how are you?
0:30:28 > 0:30:32Now...time for some music. I know what you're thinking.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34"Has he booked Lily Allen?"
0:30:34 > 0:30:38No. I've placed Lily Allen in a hessian sack...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41in an arch under Waterloo
0:30:41 > 0:30:45and made her promise that she will no longer taint the world
0:30:45 > 0:30:47with her dreadful Mockney bollocks.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49CHEERING AND JEERING
0:30:52 > 0:30:54- MOCKNEY ACCENT: - I go round town and it looks nice
0:30:54 > 0:30:56And then I think, "No, it's not"
0:30:56 > 0:31:00I get a bit tired then and I rely on my dad's career to make me famous
0:31:00 > 0:31:01Na-na-na.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03- CHEERING - No, ladies and gentlemen,
0:31:03 > 0:31:06you will not have to tolerate any such nonsense.
0:31:06 > 0:31:10Now would you welcome the achingly talented,
0:31:10 > 0:31:14the wonderful, the beautiful Mr Hudson and the Library.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23# I've read quite a few of the books that you see
0:31:23 > 0:31:27# High on the shelves of this library
0:31:27 > 0:31:30# They teach me how to think
0:31:30 > 0:31:32# But now I think too much
0:31:32 > 0:31:34# Much too much
0:31:34 > 0:31:39# Something's not right There's a hole in my life
0:31:39 > 0:31:42# So I wander the clubs Looking for some soul, some life
0:31:42 > 0:31:45# All I find is you
0:31:47 > 0:31:49# But you make me laugh
0:31:49 > 0:31:51# And that's a start
0:31:51 > 0:31:52# You ask me
0:31:52 > 0:31:55# What tune is this?
0:31:55 > 0:31:58# I don't know but I like it
0:31:58 > 0:32:01# I like it
0:32:01 > 0:32:03# If you ask the DJ
0:32:03 > 0:32:06# On Monday I'll buy you it
0:32:08 > 0:32:10# What tune is this?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13# My neighbours won't like it
0:32:13 > 0:32:16# My neighbours won't like it
0:32:16 > 0:32:17# Don't
0:32:17 > 0:32:21# Don't, darling, leave
0:32:23 > 0:32:27# Roll down the steps for the annual ball
0:32:27 > 0:32:30# Watch out, boys divide And heads line the wall
0:32:30 > 0:32:33# All I see is you
0:32:34 > 0:32:36# You know she drinks too much
0:32:36 > 0:32:38# Well, then, I talk too much
0:32:38 > 0:32:42# Something's not right There's a hole in my life
0:32:42 > 0:32:46# I wander the Grand Looking for some soul and some life
0:32:46 > 0:32:48# But all I find is you
0:32:48 > 0:32:51# And you make me laugh
0:32:51 > 0:32:53# That's a start
0:32:55 > 0:32:56# You ask me
0:32:56 > 0:32:58# What tune is this?
0:32:58 > 0:33:01# I don't know but I like it
0:33:01 > 0:33:04# I like it
0:33:04 > 0:33:06# If you ask the DJ
0:33:06 > 0:33:10# On Monday I'll buy you it
0:33:11 > 0:33:14# What tune is this?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16# My neighbours despise it
0:33:16 > 0:33:19# My neighbours won't like it
0:33:19 > 0:33:21# If you ask the DJ
0:33:21 > 0:33:25# On Monday I'll buy you it
0:33:25 > 0:33:28# And then we'll dance through the yard
0:33:28 > 0:33:32# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it
0:33:32 > 0:33:36# We're gonna dance through the yard
0:33:36 > 0:33:40# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it
0:33:40 > 0:33:43# Oh, we're gonna dance through the yard
0:33:43 > 0:33:47# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it
0:33:47 > 0:33:51# We're gonna dance through the yard
0:33:51 > 0:33:55# Till the neighbours decide they don't like it
0:33:55 > 0:33:57# But who are we to care?
0:33:57 > 0:34:00# What tune is this? #
0:34:02 > 0:34:03CHEERING
0:34:13 > 0:34:18Ladies and gentlemen, in the days of the music hall
0:34:18 > 0:34:22it was Marie Lloyd who perhaps cornered the market in female filth.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24She had a couple of songs...
0:34:24 > 0:34:29She had one called She Sits Among The Cabbages And Peas.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31LAUGHTER
0:34:31 > 0:34:34And she had a recruiting song
0:34:34 > 0:34:40about fancying a Scottish soldier called Oh, I Do Like a Cocky One in Khaki.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- LAUGHTER - I'm only hoping that things have moved on a little
0:34:44 > 0:34:47as we present a lady to the stage, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:47 > 0:34:53- CHEERING - Welcome the wonderful comedy of Miss Jo Caulfield.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56WHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Thank you.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Wow!
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I like that. That's lovely. Applause for walking.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10I feel like Heather McCartney.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13Oh, come on!
0:35:13 > 0:35:17Am I the only person who thinks that woman should just shut the hell up?
0:35:17 > 0:35:19CHEERING
0:35:19 > 0:35:21You're going to get about 30 million
0:35:21 > 0:35:25for shagging an old man for four years. Be happy!
0:35:25 > 0:35:27LAUGHTER There's women all over the country
0:35:27 > 0:35:31going, "I've been doing it for 20 and I'm going to get bugger all."
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Now, I have to tell you
0:35:33 > 0:35:36I did a very stupid thing on Saturday.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39I went to my local shopping centre on a Saturday.
0:35:39 > 0:35:43Stupid. I don't know if it's the same where you are.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46Saturday, the place is packed with teenagers.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48And their children.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Isn't it?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56I hadn't been to one for a while. I went to an Argos.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59People here been to an Argos? AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:35:59 > 0:36:02People in the posh seats a bit confused possibly.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06They're going, "Is it like John Lewis? I really don't know."
0:36:07 > 0:36:09They're not sure.
0:36:09 > 0:36:12If you've never been to one, you should go.
0:36:12 > 0:36:17Because I'm sure you'd walk in and go, "What the hell is this place?!"
0:36:17 > 0:36:20They're not like any other shops in the world.
0:36:20 > 0:36:24For a start, I'm looking at the people, "This is weird."
0:36:24 > 0:36:27Everyone's dressed for the gym but you know no-one's going.
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Honest to God, I felt like phoning up Crimewatch UK.
0:36:36 > 0:36:41"You know those people you're looking for? I've found them."
0:36:42 > 0:36:45"No, all of them. Bring a van."
0:36:45 > 0:36:49"Hurry. They're distracted. They're looking at catalogues."
0:36:49 > 0:36:53It's a weirdly complicated system because you have to fill in the form,
0:36:53 > 0:36:57then you take the form, queue up, you get a number,
0:36:57 > 0:37:00then you have to queue up and wait for the number to be called.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03But everyone in there knows the system.
0:37:03 > 0:37:06Because they designed it to be as much like signing on as possible.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16It's genius, isn't it?
0:37:16 > 0:37:19And they give them those little pens
0:37:19 > 0:37:22so they think they're in the bookmaker's as well.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31Amazingly, Argos, it's like Harrods for chavs.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33That's what it is.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35< WOMAN SQUEALS
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Lady laughing at common people. Did you hear her?
0:37:40 > 0:37:44I don't think this is a coincidence - they've got Argos opposite Pizza Hut.
0:37:44 > 0:37:47That's wedding list, reception.
0:37:47 > 0:37:49It's true.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51CHEERING
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Where I live I'm very lucky, I live between two supermarkets.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02So I can go to both of them and I have a loyalty card for both of them.
0:38:02 > 0:38:05I happened to be in Tesco's at the checkout
0:38:05 > 0:38:10and by mistake I gave my Sainsbury's loyalty card.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:38:12 > 0:38:16God, you're loyal, aren't you? It's the club card room, isn't it?
0:38:16 > 0:38:20So the checkout woman, she looked at the card,
0:38:20 > 0:38:25she put it down. She looked at her own badge.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36"Maybe I DO work in Sainsbury's."
0:38:39 > 0:38:42I spoke to my mum today because I don't have caller ID.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45LAUGHTER
0:38:51 > 0:38:55I think she phoned as a subtle reminder because it's their anniversary coming up.
0:38:55 > 0:38:58My parents will soon be married for 42 years.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01That's a long time, isn't it? CHEERING
0:39:01 > 0:39:03They met when they were at school.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05AUDIENCE: Aww! It's sweet, isn't it?
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Except my mum was six and my dad was the caretaker.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14I'm very happily married to a Scotsman. He's a pussycat.
0:39:14 > 0:39:18Well, he pisses in the corner and scratches the furniture.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20But we're very happily married.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24And even when you're happily married, you do have arguments, don't you?
0:39:24 > 0:39:26Cos men are annoying.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33We had this row the other day. This was a really stupid argument.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Because he thought that he could win.
0:39:38 > 0:39:41Arguing's different for men and women.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45For women, the best bit of the argument is always the beginning.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47When we start it. Isn't it?
0:39:48 > 0:39:51The look of surprise on his face.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Cos we've been working on this for a couple of days, haven't we?
0:39:56 > 0:39:58He's just an innocent.
0:39:58 > 0:40:03He goes, "I was just watching Dragons' Den. I've done nothing. What?"
0:40:05 > 0:40:07And we've got our clipboard of reasons.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Some of which date back many years.
0:40:15 > 0:40:19This is what we had a row about. I was listening in to a conversation.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21How many here listen to other people's conversations?
0:40:21 > 0:40:25AUDIENCE SHOUTS Yes. Oh, and some men. Usually it's just women.
0:40:25 > 0:40:31If I'm on a bus, I can go ten miles out of my way if it's a good conversation.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34But I overheard this conversation. It was two men.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36They were talking about a woman.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39One of then said, "She's no oil painting
0:40:39 > 0:40:44"but you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire."
0:40:44 > 0:40:45WHISTLING AND CHEERING
0:40:45 > 0:40:48Don't laugh! Terrible, terrible, terrible.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52That's what we argued about cos I said women wouldn't talk like that.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I don't know what the female equivalent is.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57I've never heard a woman say, "He's no oil painting
0:40:57 > 0:41:01"but you don't look at the butcher when you're eating the sausage."
0:41:01 > 0:41:04LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Well, I'm going to have to leave you,
0:41:09 > 0:41:12because I... AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:41:12 > 0:41:16No, I'm a little bit uncomfortable because I've just come from a waxing.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19And... Yeah, my back is killing me.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Ladies and gentlemen...
0:41:36 > 0:41:39in Edwardian times,
0:41:39 > 0:41:42music hall was both educational and entertaining
0:41:42 > 0:41:46and involved a truly staggering amount of gin.
0:41:46 > 0:41:47LAUGHTER
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Much of which I've been indulging in this evening
0:41:50 > 0:41:53as has become evident as the evening has passed by.
0:41:53 > 0:41:58However, through the poverty-stricken, haggish miasma
0:41:58 > 0:42:01which you have recreated so beautifully for us this evening,
0:42:01 > 0:42:05there was still time for education and enlightenment.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08And that is what we're going to bring to the stage now.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Would you please welcome, for your elucidation,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13from post-Revolutionary France,
0:42:13 > 0:42:16the wonderful Messrs Harry Enfield and Marek Larwood.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:26 > 0:42:28LOUD HOOT
0:42:30 > 0:42:33Ladies and gentlemen, we are Mr Enfield and Mr Larwood
0:42:33 > 0:42:41from the world-famous act Mr Enfield and Mr Larwood, They Fill the Stage with Scenes from History.
0:42:41 > 0:42:42CHEERING
0:42:43 > 0:42:48And tonight for your entertainment we would like to fill the stage
0:42:48 > 0:42:52with the tale of the Emperor's New Clothes.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54MUSIC: The Marseillaise
0:42:58 > 0:43:01FRENCH ACCENT: I am the Emperor Napoleon.
0:43:01 > 0:43:05Emperor of France and conqueror of Europe.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07And I'm on my way to see my fabulous tailor.
0:43:11 > 0:43:12Hello, Mr Lagerfeld.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14- Bonjour. - LAUGHTER
0:43:14 > 0:43:19Bonjour, Emperor Napoleon. How may I help you?
0:43:19 > 0:43:22I would like some new clothes, please.
0:43:22 > 0:43:25I don't like these clothes any more.
0:43:25 > 0:43:28I look like an upside-down ship's anchor.
0:43:30 > 0:43:34- But I designed this look for you. - I know.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36And the whole of France followed my look
0:43:36 > 0:43:39and the rest of Europe giggled.
0:43:39 > 0:43:44They say we French are a nation of complete and utter anchors.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46LAUGHTER
0:43:47 > 0:43:49APPLAUSE
0:43:52 > 0:43:57- So you would like a new suit. - Yes, please.- I'll measure you.
0:43:57 > 0:43:59- You take off your clothes.- OK.
0:43:59 > 0:44:02AUDIENCE HOOTS
0:44:05 > 0:44:09Emperor, tell me, how was Moscow?
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Oh, it was very cold.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14I don't like it when it is very cold.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16It makes my penis shrink.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22Emperor, do you know your shoe size?
0:44:22 > 0:44:25My shoe size? Yes. It is one.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27Although...
0:44:27 > 0:44:33I can slip into a lady's number two when push comes to shove.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35You are very accommodating.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37Very accommodating.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42AUDIENCE SQUEALS
0:44:48 > 0:44:50So...
0:44:50 > 0:44:53OK, I am ready to measure you.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55You want to measure my inside leg?
0:44:57 > 0:44:59This one or this one?
0:45:01 > 0:45:04Actually, I do not need to measure.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07- What?!- There! There is your new suit.
0:45:07 > 0:45:09It is very pretty.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12- But I am naked.- No, no.
0:45:12 > 0:45:18No, it is a very, very fine mix of silk and polyester.
0:45:18 > 0:45:23See how the people of France admire their emperor and his new clothes.
0:45:23 > 0:45:27AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND CHEERS
0:45:31 > 0:45:36People of France, admire my new clothes.
0:45:40 > 0:45:41Josephine...
0:45:42 > 0:45:47..you know I said not tonight? I changed my mind.
0:45:49 > 0:45:52I am very pleased with my new clothes.
0:45:52 > 0:45:56- Thank you, Mr Lagerfeld.- You're welcome. Have a nice day.- Thank you.
0:45:56 > 0:45:57I'm off to Waterloo.
0:45:57 > 0:46:03Watch out for Wellington. They say he looks forward to fighting you.
0:46:03 > 0:46:05Wellington fight me?
0:46:05 > 0:46:08Pah! He hasn't got the balls.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:46:19 > 0:46:20Hello.
0:46:20 > 0:46:23Hello, everybody down there, again.
0:46:23 > 0:46:24Hello!
0:46:24 > 0:46:29Just before the show, I went to an Italian restaurant
0:46:29 > 0:46:32and I said to the waiter, "Excuse me, mate, do you do ciabatta?"
0:46:32 > 0:46:34And he went, "I'll have a go, sir."
0:46:34 > 0:46:36HE IMITATES CHEWBACCA
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Star Wars, love. It's a film.
0:46:42 > 0:46:44Some people just don't keep up.
0:46:44 > 0:46:49Travelling abroad is something the students now do and they love it.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51They did it back in the age of the music hall
0:46:51 > 0:46:53and they called it World War One.
0:46:53 > 0:46:57Coming onto the stage now, boys and girls,
0:46:57 > 0:47:00is a man I like to think of as a true global village idiot.
0:47:00 > 0:47:03A man who disproves that travel broadens the mind,
0:47:03 > 0:47:06the unique stylings, ladies and gentlemen -
0:47:06 > 0:47:10a slag show from Giles Wemmbley-Hogg.
0:47:10 > 0:47:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:17 > 0:47:21# Ah-oh-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
0:47:21 > 0:47:25# Mmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
0:47:25 > 0:47:27# Mmm-waa-aa-aa-aa-aa. #
0:47:27 > 0:47:29Hello.
0:47:29 > 0:47:31I'm Giles Wemmbley-Hogg.
0:47:31 > 0:47:33Two M's, two G's.
0:47:33 > 0:47:35From Budleigh Salterton.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38Now, how many of you here went to university?
0:47:38 > 0:47:40SOME SHOUT, SOME WHOOP
0:47:40 > 0:47:42You don't whoop if you've been to university.
0:47:42 > 0:47:46Yours is a converted poly, my friend.
0:47:48 > 0:47:51But that's not really the point.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54Who here has been on a gap year?
0:47:54 > 0:47:55SOME AUDIENCE REACTION
0:47:55 > 0:47:57- POSH ACCENT - You've been on gap year?
0:47:57 > 0:47:58Yah?
0:47:58 > 0:48:00Yah.
0:48:00 > 0:48:03- Where did you go for your gap year, madam?- To Southeast Asia.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07To Southeast Asia. Of course you did. That's where we all go.
0:48:07 > 0:48:09That's why I got this sarong.
0:48:09 > 0:48:12Forgive me if there's a turtle head showing.
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Um...
0:48:14 > 0:48:17..I spent a bit of time in Southeast Asia
0:48:17 > 0:48:21and it's wonderful. It really does change you. It broadens the mind.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25I saw some amazing things over there. I saw a lot of poverty.
0:48:25 > 0:48:29And, what's more, I've got it on video, so that's nice.
0:48:29 > 0:48:33- LAUGHTER - You've got to bring something back. And, believe me, I did.
0:48:33 > 0:48:35Amoebic dysentery.
0:48:35 > 0:48:36Um...
0:48:36 > 0:48:40No, I just think you haven't really understood the true nature of Southeast Asia
0:48:40 > 0:48:46until you've fired pint after pint of boiling-hot, shitty magma down the back of your own legs.
0:48:46 > 0:48:50I think that's when you've really absorbed the nature of the place.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53But, you know, good times.
0:48:53 > 0:48:58I want to recommend travel to all of you because it really can broaden your mind.
0:48:58 > 0:48:59It can change your perspective.
0:48:59 > 0:49:01When I went to Thailand...
0:49:01 > 0:49:06I think one of the key things is to make sure you don't take too much stuff with you.
0:49:06 > 0:49:09I was in Thailand for six weeks. You've got to pack small.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13Lay your stuff out sensibly on a bed. Get a smaller bed if necessary.
0:49:13 > 0:49:14Pop it all in a rucksack.
0:49:14 > 0:49:18I'm going to show you what you might need for a six-week trip to Thailand.
0:49:18 > 0:49:22This is my rucksack. This is all I took with me for six weeks.
0:49:22 > 0:49:23OK, that's it.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Now the first four foot of that is corduroy trousers.
0:49:29 > 0:49:30You're going to need those...
0:49:30 > 0:49:34You're going to need those until you familiarise yourself with the sarong.
0:49:34 > 0:49:38And from thereon in, you've got rugger tops,
0:49:38 > 0:49:43sturdy walking boots and then space for as many sarongs as you can carry.
0:49:43 > 0:49:46So there we go. That's what a person needs.
0:49:46 > 0:49:49Now I'd like to share with you if I may
0:49:49 > 0:49:53some of the slides I took on my wonderful trip around Thailand.
0:49:53 > 0:49:57Trust me, I think you're going to be blown away by some of these.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00Look at that. Isn't it wonderful? The old departure board.
0:50:00 > 0:50:04All you have do when you get to the airport is locate the place that you're going to.
0:50:04 > 0:50:07I missed it the first time round, but...
0:50:07 > 0:50:11And then waiting room, classic. Skiddy chairs.
0:50:11 > 0:50:12Very, very skiddy chairs.
0:50:12 > 0:50:16Lot of fun. Didn't matter that the flight was seven hours delayed.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18Er...
0:50:18 > 0:50:20here we are. This is Thailand.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23As you can see, Thailand Grand Invitation, Bangkok airport,
0:50:23 > 0:50:24extraordinary duty-free.
0:50:24 > 0:50:26Um...palace,
0:50:26 > 0:50:27palace,
0:50:27 > 0:50:29palace...
0:50:29 > 0:50:30temple.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32Here we are, baggage reclaim.
0:50:32 > 0:50:33Now...
0:50:33 > 0:50:35APPLAUSE
0:50:35 > 0:50:38You're right. It's a goody, isn't it?
0:50:38 > 0:50:42For an almost Third-World country, they've really nailed the old reclaim.
0:50:42 > 0:50:44Got six of the buggers.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48Your rucksack'll come out round there, unless you've got one like mine.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51That comes out in a special section labelled "Travelling Twats".
0:50:53 > 0:50:56Now not everything in the Thai airports is the same.
0:50:56 > 0:50:57Have a look at this.
0:50:58 > 0:51:02It's not racist to say that they're smaller than we are.
0:51:02 > 0:51:05But that is absurd. It really is.
0:51:05 > 0:51:06OK, what else have we got?
0:51:07 > 0:51:11Ah, the tuktuk. This is how you'll be travelling around.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14I find the easiest thing is to give the man your money in advance
0:51:14 > 0:51:20and immediately wet your pants because that's what's gonna happen whilst you're on the tuktuk.
0:51:23 > 0:51:24No idea.
0:51:26 > 0:51:28A word about Thai food, if I may.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31Don't. Don't.
0:51:31 > 0:51:33Don't. OK?
0:51:34 > 0:51:36That may look delicious
0:51:36 > 0:51:38but it isn't.
0:51:38 > 0:51:40Stick to Pad Thai. OK?
0:51:40 > 0:51:42You know where you are with Pad Thai.
0:51:42 > 0:51:46Palaces. To be honest, they shit them out over there.
0:51:46 > 0:51:47Now this...
0:51:49 > 0:51:53..this is just outside of Bangkok.
0:51:53 > 0:51:56This is actually a Christian war memorial.
0:51:56 > 0:51:57It's a cemetery.
0:51:57 > 0:52:02And a very solemn place, very important for the Thai community.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Many people lost their relatives there.
0:52:05 > 0:52:08Now I don't know how many of you ever played off-ground "it"...
0:52:08 > 0:52:10- LAUGHTER - A few of you.
0:52:10 > 0:52:12A few of you will have done.
0:52:12 > 0:52:18Well, take it from me, if you're over there travelling with some of the bloody good blokes that I was,
0:52:18 > 0:52:22you really can have a cracking good game of off-ground "it".
0:52:22 > 0:52:25We were there for nearly 35 minutes before they kicked us out.
0:52:25 > 0:52:28Wonderful, wonderful times. Learned a lot.
0:52:29 > 0:52:30Oxford Street?
0:52:30 > 0:52:32No, it's Bangkok.
0:52:33 > 0:52:35Knock-knock, who's there?
0:52:35 > 0:52:37Some sort of gargoyle. Wonderful.
0:52:37 > 0:52:39Ah, interesting.
0:52:39 > 0:52:43The wonderful sunsets - though, of course, it's a different hemisphere over there,
0:52:43 > 0:52:47so when you think the sun is setting, it's actually rising.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51And there we are back at the airport.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55There's one picture which summarises my trip to Thailand more than any of the others.
0:52:55 > 0:52:59I think I will always treasure this as my memory of Thailand.
0:52:59 > 0:53:00And it's this...
0:53:02 > 0:53:04Where's he going? Do you know what I mean?
0:53:04 > 0:53:07Little airport buggy there. He's got one trailer.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10I know my rucksack was in there. It never made the plane.
0:53:10 > 0:53:15It's almost as if by the end of my six weeks they had something against people like me.
0:53:15 > 0:53:18There's no reason to understand why that would be.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21You've been very patient. I hope to see you on the road.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:53:27 > 0:53:29Oh, the splendour!
0:53:31 > 0:53:33Now music hall covered many bases.
0:53:33 > 0:53:38Culturally just there, a marvellous, marvellous moment of entertainment
0:53:38 > 0:53:42but they would also occasionally break for culture.
0:53:42 > 0:53:47And I felt that it would be in keeping with the fine music-hall tradition we have here this evening
0:53:47 > 0:53:49to give you a little culture, a little poetry.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51I've written a poem.
0:53:51 > 0:53:53WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:53 > 0:53:55It's about the time I met Paul McCartney.
0:53:55 > 0:53:57It's a true story, word for word.
0:53:58 > 0:54:00It's called He Loves You.
0:54:03 > 0:54:06My nerves jangled and heart strangled
0:54:06 > 0:54:11as I made my way towards the man who sang Hey Jude
0:54:11 > 0:54:14Holding paper, grasping pen
0:54:14 > 0:54:15going over lines again
0:54:15 > 0:54:18as I approached the knight who gave us Blackbird
0:54:19 > 0:54:22He stood alone, his Hofner bass in hand
0:54:22 > 0:54:25deserted by his makeshift megaband
0:54:25 > 0:54:27of Pirates, Purples and Pink Floyds
0:54:27 > 0:54:30the boy from Penny Lane
0:54:30 > 0:54:32As I drew near them
0:54:32 > 0:54:33mop-top smiled
0:54:33 > 0:54:36Before him stood the little child
0:54:36 > 0:54:37who sang She Loves You
0:54:37 > 0:54:39with his mum
0:54:39 > 0:54:41Yeah, yeah, yeah
0:54:42 > 0:54:44My nerves increased
0:54:44 > 0:54:45Sir Paul at peace
0:54:45 > 0:54:47calmed me down
0:54:47 > 0:54:51with a friendly, "I know you. You're off the telly."
0:54:51 > 0:54:53And without thinking
0:54:53 > 0:54:58I replied, "And I know you, mate. You were in the fucking Beatles."
0:54:58 > 0:55:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:55:03 > 0:55:06But one man and one poem.
0:55:06 > 0:55:09On the stage now, ladies and gentlemen, three voices meshed in harmony
0:55:09 > 0:55:12like no others you have ever heard,
0:55:12 > 0:55:14cock those listening ears open
0:55:14 > 0:55:18for the unique stylings of the Puppini Sisters!
0:55:24 > 0:55:25# And so you're back
0:55:25 > 0:55:27# from outer space
0:55:27 > 0:55:29# I just walked in to find you here
0:55:29 > 0:55:31# with that sad look upon your face
0:55:31 > 0:55:33# I should have changed my stupid lock
0:55:33 > 0:55:35# I should have made you leave your key
0:55:35 > 0:55:37# If I had known for just one second
0:55:37 > 0:55:39# you'd be back to bother me
0:55:39 > 0:55:42# Go on, now, go walk out the door
0:55:42 > 0:55:45# just turn around now
0:55:45 > 0:55:47# Cos you're not welcome any more
0:55:47 > 0:55:48# Weren't you the one
0:55:48 > 0:55:50# who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
0:55:50 > 0:55:52# You think I'd crumble
0:55:52 > 0:55:54# You think I'd lay down and die
0:55:54 > 0:55:55# Oh, no, not I
0:55:55 > 0:55:57# I will survive
0:55:57 > 0:56:00# as long as I know how to love
0:56:00 > 0:56:01# I know I'll stay alive
0:56:01 > 0:56:03# Cos I've got all my life to live
0:56:03 > 0:56:05# And I've got all my love to give
0:56:05 > 0:56:07# And I'll survive
0:56:07 > 0:56:13# I will survive
0:56:15 > 0:56:18# Out on the wily, windy moors
0:56:18 > 0:56:21# We'd roll and fall in green
0:56:23 > 0:56:27# You had a temper like my jealousy
0:56:27 > 0:56:30# Too hot, too greedy
0:56:31 > 0:56:33# How could you leave me
0:56:33 > 0:56:36# when I needed to possess you?
0:56:36 > 0:56:39# I hated you
0:56:39 > 0:56:40# I loved you, too
0:56:41 > 0:56:43# Bad dreams in the night
0:56:43 > 0:56:45# Ooh-ooh
0:56:45 > 0:56:49# They told me I was going to lose the fight
0:56:49 > 0:56:52# Leave behind my Wuthering, Wuthering
0:56:52 > 0:56:54# Wuthering Heights
0:56:54 > 0:56:58# Heathcliff, don't you know that it's me, it's Cathy?
0:56:58 > 0:56:59# I've come home
0:56:59 > 0:57:04# so cold, let me in-a-your window
0:57:04 > 0:57:06# Da-da-da
0:57:06 > 0:57:10# Heathcliff, don't you know that it's me, it's Cathy?
0:57:10 > 0:57:11# I've come home
0:57:11 > 0:57:16# So cold, let me in-a-your window
0:57:17 > 0:57:20TEMPO CHANGES
0:57:24 > 0:57:26# Bam, bam, bam, bam
0:57:26 > 0:57:30# Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam
0:57:32 > 0:57:34# Once I had a love and it was a gas
0:57:36 > 0:57:38# It soon turned out he had a heart of glass
0:57:40 > 0:57:41# Seemed like the real thing
0:57:41 > 0:57:44# only to find
0:57:44 > 0:57:45# A bunch of mistrust
0:57:45 > 0:57:46# love's gone behind
0:57:48 > 0:57:50# In between...
0:57:50 > 0:57:53# what I find is pleasing and I'm feeling fine
0:57:53 > 0:57:58# Love is so confusing there's no piece of mind
0:57:58 > 0:58:00# If I fear I'm losing you
0:58:00 > 0:58:02# It's just no good
0:58:02 > 0:58:04# you teasing me like you do
0:58:04 > 0:58:07# Ooh-ooh
0:58:09 > 0:58:11# Ooh-ooh
0:58:13 > 0:58:15# Ooh-ooh
0:58:17 > 0:58:19# Ooh-ooh
0:58:22 > 0:58:26# Tu vuo' fa' l'Americano, mericano, mericano...
0:58:26 > 0:58:29# sient'a me chi te fa-fa'? tu vuoi vivere alla moda
0:58:29 > 0:58:33# ma se bevi whisky and soda po' te siente e disturba'...
0:58:33 > 0:58:37# Tu a ball' a rock'n'roll tu giochi a baseball...
0:58:37 > 0:58:41# ma e solde pe' Camel chi te li da? La borsetta di mamma!?
0:58:41 > 0:58:44# Tu vuo' fa' l'Americano, mericano, mericano
0:58:44 > 0:58:46# ma si' nato in Italy!
0:58:46 > 0:58:49# sient' a me: nun ce sta niente 'a fa' OK, Napulitan!
0:58:49 > 0:58:51# Tu vuo' fa' l'American tu vuo' fa' l'American!
0:58:51 > 0:58:53# Tu vuo' fa' l'American. # Hey!
0:58:53 > 0:58:56APPLAUSE Thank you!
0:59:07 > 0:59:10Well, a gentleman, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to announce to you now
0:59:10 > 0:59:15has an astonishing CV in the world of variety entertainment.
0:59:15 > 0:59:20He had a triumphant season at the Bankside Working Men's Club, Leeds,
0:59:20 > 0:59:22in 1957.
0:59:22 > 0:59:27Would you please welcome, still fresh as a daisy, from that triumph
0:59:27 > 0:59:31the one and only Count Arthur Strong!
0:59:31 > 0:59:32APPLAUSE
0:59:50 > 0:59:53I shouldn't be having to bring this on.
0:59:54 > 0:59:56It should be all set up for me.
0:59:56 > 1:00:02There should be a team of people whose job it is to set all this up for us.
1:00:03 > 1:00:05Remember that for another night...
1:00:06 > 1:00:09..whosever job it is to remember that.
1:00:19 > 1:00:21Ladies and gentlemen,
1:00:21 > 1:00:23my name is Count Arthur Strong,
1:00:23 > 1:00:28as you full well know, so don't start any of that up.
1:00:31 > 1:00:34And this evening I was begoing to do for you
1:00:34 > 1:00:38my wonderful memory man act of mine I do,
1:00:38 > 1:00:44but unfortunately I am unable to find my turban when I'm doing it.
1:00:44 > 1:00:47It's an orange one.
1:00:47 > 1:00:50I had it at rehearsals this afternoon.
1:00:50 > 1:00:52But I don't know what happened to it after that.
1:00:52 > 1:00:54- It's behind you!- Oh!
1:00:59 > 1:01:04Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it's absolutely delightful for me
1:01:04 > 1:01:06to be here before you this evening
1:01:06 > 1:01:10as part of this contemporary, modern music-hall event
1:01:10 > 1:01:14that the BBC or, as I sometimes call it for a joke,
1:01:14 > 1:01:19the British Broadcasting Corporation...
1:01:19 > 1:01:21LAUGHTER
1:01:21 > 1:01:24Anyway, if I can get a word in,
1:01:24 > 1:01:27I'm highly delighted to be part of it all.
1:01:27 > 1:01:29And I'll tell you something,
1:01:29 > 1:01:31they've struck gold dust picking me
1:01:31 > 1:01:36because I am one of the few people that can remember what it was like first time round.
1:01:36 > 1:01:40Oh, we had some wonderful acts in those days,
1:01:40 > 1:01:41acts like, um...
1:01:41 > 1:01:44Little Lenny Longarms
1:01:44 > 1:01:48And His Very, Very Long Arms.
1:01:48 > 1:01:52I tell you something, the things he could reach
1:01:52 > 1:01:54was quite frightening
1:01:54 > 1:01:57with those long arms
1:01:57 > 1:01:58of his.
1:01:58 > 1:02:00Who else was there?
1:02:00 > 1:02:01Arnold...
1:02:01 > 1:02:02Cheatham.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05I forget what he did.
1:02:05 > 1:02:08But his mother was deaf...
1:02:08 > 1:02:10for all you aficionados out there.
1:02:11 > 1:02:13Oh, and of course my favourite
1:02:13 > 1:02:17who I had the great privilege and honour of working with
1:02:17 > 1:02:21at the Bradford Alhambra when I got my start in music hall,
1:02:21 > 1:02:23sadly no longer with us, God bless him,
1:02:23 > 1:02:27Wee Billy Bugle And His Hoop Of Flames.
1:02:27 > 1:02:30Oh, he could make that bugle talk, could Billy.
1:02:30 > 1:02:32What was his last words?
1:02:32 > 1:02:36"Put me out. I'm on flipping fire!"
1:02:38 > 1:02:40Still, he went as he would have wanted.
1:02:40 > 1:02:42Up like a soddin' bazooka.
1:02:42 > 1:02:47They say there's still some bits of him on the ceiling at the Alhambra.
1:02:47 > 1:02:50They haven't got the heart to wipe him off.
1:02:51 > 1:02:55Or a long enough ladder, if truth be known.
1:02:55 > 1:02:58That's not very hygienic, is it?
1:02:58 > 1:03:03Having that stuck above your head when you're watching Babes In The Wood or something,
1:03:03 > 1:03:06falling in your bag of crisps, eugh!
1:03:07 > 1:03:11So, ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to entertain you further.
1:03:11 > 1:03:16Would you journey back in time with me to Ancient Egypt?
1:03:16 > 1:03:18GONG BOOMS OUT Oh, for crying out loud!
1:03:18 > 1:03:20ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS
1:03:20 > 1:03:23Nearly gave me a bloody heart attack, that!
1:03:23 > 1:03:27I do hope whoever did that won't be doing it for the actual show.
1:03:30 > 1:03:32Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
1:03:32 > 1:03:35come to the Pyramids, as I introduce to you
1:03:35 > 1:03:39Count Arthur Strong and his little tiny friend,
1:03:39 > 1:03:41Little Tiny King Tut.
1:03:41 > 1:03:43Come on, Little Tiny Tut.
1:03:46 > 1:03:48Don't be shy.
1:03:48 > 1:03:52Say hello to the ladies and gentlemen, why don't you?
1:03:53 > 1:03:56Oo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh...
1:03:57 > 1:03:59Oh, what's the matter? Can't you talk?
1:03:59 > 1:04:02Whoo-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.
1:04:03 > 1:04:06See, you've had all your internal organs taken out
1:04:06 > 1:04:10and your mouth bandaged up, my goodness me, that's a bit of a let off, isn't it?
1:04:10 > 1:04:12A bit of a shame.
1:04:12 > 1:04:15Mm-mm-ooh-mm.
1:04:16 > 1:04:20And what's more, you're telling me, they painted you from head to foot
1:04:20 > 1:04:22in a resin to waterproof you
1:04:22 > 1:04:26and wrapped you up in approximately 375 yards of linen bandages?!
1:04:28 > 1:04:31My goodness me! You HAVE been in the wars, Tiny Tut.
1:04:34 > 1:04:35Tell you what,
1:04:35 > 1:04:42as you're obviously so down in the dumps, why don't we do one of our little songs to cheer yourself up?
1:04:43 > 1:04:44Wh-ooh-ooh.
1:04:44 > 1:04:47You're right. It is one of my good ideas.
1:04:49 > 1:04:50After three, then.
1:04:50 > 1:04:51One...
1:04:51 > 1:04:56# Anything you can do I can do better
1:04:56 > 1:04:59# I can do anything better than you
1:04:59 > 1:05:00# Ooh-ooh-whoo
1:05:00 > 1:05:01# Yes, I can
1:05:01 > 1:05:03# No, you can't. #
1:05:03 > 1:05:04Yes, I can!
1:05:04 > 1:05:05No, you can't!
1:05:05 > 1:05:06Yes, I can!
1:05:06 > 1:05:08Yes, I can. Yes, I can!
1:05:08 > 1:05:13I'd never have suggested it if I'd known you were going to be so argumentative.
1:05:14 > 1:05:16Ooh-ooh-ooh.
1:05:16 > 1:05:18Tell your mother. I'm not bothered.
1:05:18 > 1:05:20Ooh-ooh-ooh.
1:05:21 > 1:05:25I don't care if she is Queen Cleopatra of the Nile.
1:05:25 > 1:05:28My dad was
1:05:28 > 1:05:31the assistant air vice marshal of Doncaster,
1:05:31 > 1:05:35so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
1:05:35 > 1:05:38Oh, I'm going to have a drink of me drink.
1:05:38 > 1:05:41You thought I'd forgot that, didn't you?
1:05:41 > 1:05:44Tell you what, Tiny Tut,
1:05:44 > 1:05:46while I have a drink of me drink,
1:05:46 > 1:05:49why don't you finish the song you were doing, eh?
1:05:49 > 1:05:52After three, then...
1:05:57 > 1:05:58Three.
1:05:58 > 1:05:59Ooh...
1:05:59 > 1:06:01mmm...
1:06:04 > 1:06:05Mmm...
1:06:06 > 1:06:07Ah!
1:06:08 > 1:06:09A-agh!
1:06:09 > 1:06:10Eh-ahg!
1:06:10 > 1:06:15That was you, that, you boggle-eyed bugger!
1:06:15 > 1:06:18Back of my throat's red raw now cos of you!
1:06:18 > 1:06:21Don't even think of answering me back.
1:06:23 > 1:06:27No time at all for your temper tantrums, young man.
1:06:28 > 1:06:31What are you looking at?
1:06:31 > 1:06:34Trouble with you is you don't know where to draw the line, do you?
1:06:34 > 1:06:36APPLAUSE
1:06:44 > 1:06:47Well, they've put me back in the box again
1:06:47 > 1:06:52like I'm some sort of Patrick Kielty presenter type wannabe.
1:06:53 > 1:06:55It's not right, is it? I don't want to be in here.
1:06:55 > 1:06:59I am a performer, not just some presenter they can hire in. I'm a bloody turn.
1:06:59 > 1:07:03- SPARSE APPLAUSE - That's right. A little applause would be much appreciated.
1:07:03 > 1:07:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:07:06 > 1:07:09I've nothing against you people...
1:07:09 > 1:07:11What in God's name is that?
1:07:14 > 1:07:17Nothing against you people, but the stage beckons to me
1:07:17 > 1:07:19and I intend to heed her call.
1:07:19 > 1:07:22To the stage. I must make my way now to the stage
1:07:22 > 1:07:25so I can give my performance. This way.
1:07:25 > 1:07:26Is it? I think.
1:07:26 > 1:07:28Where is it?
1:07:28 > 1:07:29Yes, that's fine.
1:07:29 > 1:07:30Um...
1:07:30 > 1:07:33In fairness, I had to leave that one.
1:07:33 > 1:07:36I'd floated a bit of an air biscuit in there.
1:07:37 > 1:07:41I'm terribly sorry about that. It's all this Edwardian food.
1:07:41 > 1:07:44I had nearly a pint of the Gentlemen's Relish earlier
1:07:44 > 1:07:46and it's not going to come out in a cold wash.
1:07:46 > 1:07:49- GROANS - Now, we should swiftly introduce the next act.
1:07:49 > 1:07:54Ladies and gentlemen, mere words cannot even come close to describing this man.
1:07:54 > 1:07:59You must now pin your eyelids to your foreheads - not literally, it's dangerous and revolting.
1:07:59 > 1:08:01Trust me, you're going to have a wonderful time.
1:08:01 > 1:08:05- The incredible Bruce Airhead! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:08:07 > 1:08:10MUSIC: "Mambo No 5" by Lou Bega
1:08:37 > 1:08:39AUDIENCE: Whoo!
1:09:00 > 1:09:02AUDIENCE CHEER
1:09:43 > 1:09:46LAUGHTER AND CHEERS
1:10:05 > 1:10:09# Ladies and gentlemen This is Mambo No 5... #
1:10:11 > 1:10:13APPLAUSE
1:10:19 > 1:10:21# One, two, three, four, five
1:10:21 > 1:10:24# Everybody in the car, so come on Let's ride
1:10:24 > 1:10:27# To the liquor store around the corner
1:10:27 > 1:10:29# The boys say they want some gin and juice
1:10:29 > 1:10:30# But I really don't wanna
1:10:30 > 1:10:33# Beerbust like I had last week
1:10:33 > 1:10:35# I must stay deep because talk is cheap
1:10:35 > 1:10:38# I like Angela, Pamela Sandra and Rita
1:10:38 > 1:10:41# And as I continue you know they're getting sweeter
1:10:41 > 1:10:44# So what can I do I'm really begging you my lord
1:10:44 > 1:10:48# To me flirting it's just like sport, anything fly
1:10:48 > 1:10:52# It's all good let me dump it Send in the trumpet
1:10:52 > 1:10:54# A little bit of Monica in my life
1:10:54 > 1:10:57# A little bit of Erica by my side
1:10:57 > 1:10:59# A little bit of Rita is all I need
1:10:59 > 1:11:02# A little bit of Tina is what I see
1:11:02 > 1:11:05# A little bit of Sandra in the sun
1:11:05 > 1:11:08# A little bit of Mary all night long
1:11:08 > 1:11:11# A little bit of Jessica here I am
1:11:11 > 1:11:13# A little bit of you makes me your man
1:11:24 > 1:11:27# Mambo No 5!
1:11:30 > 1:11:33# Jump up and down and move it all around
1:11:33 > 1:11:36# Shake your head to the sound Put your hand on the ground
1:11:36 > 1:11:39# Take one step left And one to the side
1:11:39 > 1:11:42# Clap your hands once And clap your hands twice
1:11:42 > 1:11:44# And if it looks like this Then you're doing it right
1:11:44 > 1:11:47# A little bit of Monica in my life
1:11:47 > 1:11:49# A little bit of Erica by my side
1:11:49 > 1:11:52# A little bit of Rita is all I need
1:11:52 > 1:11:55# A little bit of Tina is what I see
1:11:55 > 1:11:57# A little bit of Sandra in the sun
1:11:57 > 1:12:00# A little bit of Mary all night long
1:12:00 > 1:12:03# A little bit of Jessica here I am
1:12:03 > 1:12:06# A little bit of you makes me your man... #
1:12:16 > 1:12:18Five...
1:12:18 > 1:12:20Four...
1:12:20 > 1:12:22Three...
1:12:22 > 1:12:24Two...
1:12:24 > 1:12:26One.
1:12:29 > 1:12:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:12:49 > 1:12:53Time now, ladies and gentlemen, for one man,
1:12:53 > 1:12:55one Scottish accent, one microphone -
1:12:55 > 1:12:58apparently there's some sort of quota to meet.
1:12:58 > 1:13:02Please welcome to the stage, Mr Frankie Boyle!
1:13:02 > 1:13:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:13:13 > 1:13:16Hello! AUDIENCE SHOUTS
1:13:16 > 1:13:22The most Scottish thing I've ever seen, I was going through a town called Bathgate, at night,
1:13:22 > 1:13:26and there was a guy pissing against a front door.
1:13:26 > 1:13:30Who then took out his keys and went inside!
1:13:30 > 1:13:33LAUGHTER
1:13:33 > 1:13:35Bathgate's an amazing place.
1:13:35 > 1:13:38Scientists have discovered cave paintings in Bathgate
1:13:38 > 1:13:40that date back to the 1960s.
1:13:40 > 1:13:42LAUGHTER
1:13:43 > 1:13:46I have a big beard about half the year
1:13:46 > 1:13:49to stop people shouting "Proclaimers!" at me.
1:13:49 > 1:13:52And then the beard gets to a certain length,
1:13:52 > 1:13:55and they all start shouting "Paedophile!"
1:13:55 > 1:13:57LAUGHTER
1:13:57 > 1:13:59Apparently they did a survey in America,
1:13:59 > 1:14:04that said that Osama Bin Laden is now more famous than Michael Jackson.
1:14:04 > 1:14:09And you think, "Yeah, but he puts a lot less effort into his videos."
1:14:09 > 1:14:11LAUGHTER
1:14:11 > 1:14:16It would really freak the Americans out if he just threw in a wee moonwalk now and again.
1:14:16 > 1:14:21Good old Michael Jackson - he's got to live out the life of a Scooby Doo villain.
1:14:21 > 1:14:25Hanging around an abandoned funfair wearing a plastic face.
1:14:25 > 1:14:27LAUGHTER
1:14:31 > 1:14:35British Army have got a recruiting drive on in Scotland at the minute.
1:14:35 > 1:14:40Cos that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert - more ginger people.
1:14:40 > 1:14:43LAUGHTER
1:14:45 > 1:14:49We've got the big new hope in American politics, Barack Obama.
1:14:49 > 1:14:53Pretty much the worst name you could have in American politics, Obama.
1:14:53 > 1:14:58Halfway between "Osama" and "a bomber".
1:14:58 > 1:15:02He might as well be called Muslim Ogunbomb.
1:15:02 > 1:15:05LAUGHTER
1:15:08 > 1:15:12Saw a great story recently - they're planning on starting to treat alcoholics
1:15:12 > 1:15:16by giving them acid. LSD.
1:15:16 > 1:15:19That's gonna make tramps very different people.
1:15:19 > 1:15:24"Any spare change, pal? I've got a unicorn to feed."
1:15:24 > 1:15:26LAUGHTER
1:15:26 > 1:15:29APPLAUSE
1:15:31 > 1:15:35Apparently scientists have come up with a condom
1:15:35 > 1:15:37for premature ejaculation.
1:15:37 > 1:15:41Basically, it's got an anaesthetic in the lining and it makes you numb.
1:15:41 > 1:15:43You can last for longer.
1:15:43 > 1:15:47Or you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up.
1:15:47 > 1:15:49AUDIENCE GASPS
1:15:49 > 1:15:52LAUGHTER
1:15:55 > 1:15:57Cos science isn't all progress, is it?
1:15:57 > 1:16:01What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked?
1:16:01 > 1:16:04Instead of this multiple choice system.
1:16:04 > 1:16:08So now if anything goes wrong, you're going to be sitting there,
1:16:08 > 1:16:14while the whole fucking wall slowly slides away.
1:16:14 > 1:16:18And you're unveiled like a prize on a quiz show!
1:16:18 > 1:16:22'For 500 points, a shitting woman!'
1:16:22 > 1:16:25LAUGHTER
1:16:27 > 1:16:32Have you ever heard that science thing that if you put a frog into boiling water,
1:16:32 > 1:16:36it'll jump out, but if you put it into cold water,
1:16:36 > 1:16:40and you heat the water up, the frog won't realise, and it'll die?
1:16:40 > 1:16:46Or to put it another way, scientists have got a lot of time on their hands.
1:16:46 > 1:16:48"Shall we have a go at curing cancer?"
1:16:48 > 1:16:53"No, I'm going to see how many Fruit Pastilles it takes
1:16:53 > 1:16:56"to choke a kestrel." LAUGHTER
1:17:05 > 1:17:09Are you all looking forward to the Olympics? No, you're not.
1:17:09 > 1:17:11Nobody is.
1:17:11 > 1:17:15I mean, I've been to the East End of London,
1:17:15 > 1:17:20and what those people really need is a world-class dressage centre(!)
1:17:20 > 1:17:22LAUGHTER
1:17:22 > 1:17:27There's a Bangladeshi community there crying out for a velodrome.
1:17:29 > 1:17:32I mean, it's good that they're holding it in the East End,
1:17:32 > 1:17:35cos it'll mean that the athletes have to use more skill
1:17:35 > 1:17:40as they work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistol.
1:17:40 > 1:17:45"Steady! That was a revenge killing in the doorway of a newsagent's!"
1:17:45 > 1:17:47LAUGHTER
1:17:47 > 1:17:52They talk about the Olympics instilling national pride in England.
1:17:52 > 1:17:57For 9.2 billion, you could have written "Fuck off, Germany" on to the moon.
1:17:57 > 1:18:00LAUGHTER
1:18:00 > 1:18:05Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure talking to you. Enjoy the rest of your night.
1:18:05 > 1:18:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:18:13 > 1:18:16Now, the music hall... Hello, hello, hello.
1:18:16 > 1:18:19The music hall, you probably won't know this, it was, at the time,
1:18:19 > 1:18:21it was quite a seditious place.
1:18:21 > 1:18:25Because the working classes used to go there to be entertained.
1:18:25 > 1:18:29It was one of the only places they could go and shout and express their views,
1:18:29 > 1:18:33and a song like My Old Man (Said Follow The Van)
1:18:33 > 1:18:37was actually about dodging a rent collector.
1:18:37 > 1:18:41There was another song called Let's Go Up Knightsbridge And Beat Up The Toffs,
1:18:41 > 1:18:44was actually about global warming.
1:18:44 > 1:18:46Lessons to be learned there.
1:18:46 > 1:18:50Now on the bill, if you went to a variety show like this,
1:18:50 > 1:18:52very often you'd see a mentalist.
1:18:52 > 1:18:56And at that time it was someone who would read minds.
1:18:56 > 1:19:00Tonight, we thought we could improve on that threefold
1:19:00 > 1:19:03and we present now, for your edification,
1:19:03 > 1:19:09three mentalists, ladies and gentlemen - We Are Klang.
1:19:09 > 1:19:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:19:15 > 1:19:17Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
1:19:17 > 1:19:21welcome, welcome to the theatrical section of this evening's show.
1:19:21 > 1:19:25Allow me to introduce myself - I am a theatre impresario,
1:19:25 > 1:19:27my name is Derek-upon-Tweed,
1:19:27 > 1:19:31it's an honour for you to have me here tonight!
1:19:31 > 1:19:35Thank you very much. Now, every year, at the Edinburgh festival,
1:19:35 > 1:19:37I showcase to those Scottish shit-eaters
1:19:37 > 1:19:41the delights of a wonderful pan-European theatre troupe
1:19:41 > 1:19:43entitled Kyatra Bastardski.
1:19:43 > 1:19:47I'm absolutely delighted to welcome them to this stage tonight.
1:19:47 > 1:19:51I'll be providing a narrative commentary for the partially sighted
1:19:51 > 1:19:54in accordance with the terms of my parole!
1:19:54 > 1:19:59I'll ask you to now very warmly welcome...les playeurs.
1:19:59 > 1:20:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:20:03 > 1:20:07On your right, the beautiful and talented Parisian actress Brigitte Baldot,
1:20:07 > 1:20:10and on your left, Jean-Paul Van Dick.
1:20:13 > 1:20:18We present Emile - a tale of erotic obsession.
1:20:18 > 1:20:21Actors, prepare yourselves!
1:20:23 > 1:20:28Oh, what a night! Late September, back in '63.
1:20:28 > 1:20:30LAUGHTER
1:20:30 > 1:20:34It was a very special night for he and she.
1:20:34 > 1:20:37Emile was beautiful, truly beautiful.
1:20:37 > 1:20:40She looked just like Britney Spears.
1:20:42 > 1:20:44LAUGHTER AND CHEERS
1:20:47 > 1:20:50She looked like a fragile woodland creature.
1:20:50 > 1:20:52Like a rabbit.
1:20:52 > 1:20:55Like a rabbit trapped in the headlights.
1:20:55 > 1:20:59That had just eaten a really nice carrot.
1:20:59 > 1:21:02LAUGHTER And then met Bill Oddie.
1:21:04 > 1:21:07Jacques was a proud man. He had the arrogance of youth -
1:21:07 > 1:21:09a youth that had horrendously faded.
1:21:11 > 1:21:14But he was handsome and he knew it.
1:21:14 > 1:21:17Handsome save for a slight touch of Bell's palsy.
1:21:17 > 1:21:19LAUGHTER
1:21:19 > 1:21:22From which he had completely recovered.
1:21:22 > 1:21:24Though every now and then it returned...
1:21:24 > 1:21:27Went away again...
1:21:27 > 1:21:30Came back on the other side of his fat face.
1:21:31 > 1:21:33In the main, he was fine.
1:21:33 > 1:21:35Emile had fallen in love with Jacques
1:21:35 > 1:21:37and she longed to express that love.
1:21:37 > 1:21:40She flashed him her most winning smile.
1:21:40 > 1:21:42LAUGHTER
1:21:42 > 1:21:46Not that one - that made her look like Sonia from Eastenders!
1:21:46 > 1:21:48She tried again.
1:21:49 > 1:21:52And there was the smile that would win Jacques's heart.
1:21:52 > 1:21:56Jacques smiled back, the broadest possible smile.
1:22:00 > 1:22:04And Jacques's smile transformed Emile's smile to one of lust.
1:22:04 > 1:22:07A powerful lust. Overwhelming lust.
1:22:07 > 1:22:10The sort of lust that could destroy worlds.
1:22:12 > 1:22:17The moment was too intense for both of them, and they fell away to eating their food.
1:22:17 > 1:22:20Emile loved to eat grapes and devoured them hungrily.
1:22:20 > 1:22:22Grape after grape she popped into her mouth.
1:22:22 > 1:22:25Jacques enjoyed the simple biscuits set before him.
1:22:25 > 1:22:29But he was a clumsy eater, and got one caught in his lower lip.
1:22:38 > 1:22:40LAUGHTER
1:22:40 > 1:22:44Emile was still piling grape after grape into her mouth.
1:22:44 > 1:22:47Sometimes as many as ten in at one time.
1:22:53 > 1:22:56And then another 12...
1:23:01 > 1:23:03And then another 17...
1:23:10 > 1:23:13Emile smiled at Jacques.
1:23:13 > 1:23:16LAUGHTER
1:23:17 > 1:23:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
1:23:20 > 1:23:23It was at this point that Jacques decided to impress Emile
1:23:23 > 1:23:25by holding his breath for five minutes.
1:23:29 > 1:23:32Emile was still piling grape after grape into her mouth.
1:23:32 > 1:23:36But she could bear it no longer - she had to speak to Jacques.
1:23:38 > 1:23:40- MUFFLED:- I love you!
1:23:40 > 1:23:42But Jacques hadn't understood!
1:23:42 > 1:23:45Emile panicked, and in her panic
1:23:45 > 1:23:47began to squawk like a parrot.
1:23:47 > 1:23:49Arrrk!
1:23:49 > 1:23:52Arrrk!
1:23:52 > 1:23:54This drove Jacques wild with desire.
1:23:54 > 1:23:57He longed to touch, he needed to touch...himself.
1:23:58 > 1:24:02He began to play with his own breasts.
1:24:02 > 1:24:06Not through clothing, actually against the skin.
1:24:07 > 1:24:11He began to violently shake his own udders.
1:24:11 > 1:24:13WOLF WHISTLE Look at the state of that.
1:24:13 > 1:24:15Look at the state of that.
1:24:15 > 1:24:18This drove Emile wild with passion.
1:24:18 > 1:24:20She was still squawking and shoving grapes in,
1:24:20 > 1:24:23but now she took the simple biscuits set before her
1:24:23 > 1:24:26and started to slam them into her own forehead!
1:24:26 > 1:24:29Alternately shoving grapes in,
1:24:29 > 1:24:32squawking, and pile-driving biscuits in.
1:24:32 > 1:24:36It was at this point that Jacques's Bell's palsy returned!
1:24:36 > 1:24:38On both sides of his face!
1:24:40 > 1:24:43- Emile was wild with desire.- Arrrk!
1:24:43 > 1:24:47She was still squawking, shoving grapes, slamming biscuits.
1:24:47 > 1:24:51But then she began robotic dancing. Robotic dancing.
1:24:51 > 1:24:54And Jacques could only express his love in one way -
1:24:54 > 1:24:56through the medium of squat thrusts!
1:24:56 > 1:24:59Jacques started doing squat thrusts,
1:24:59 > 1:25:01hard physical exercise,
1:25:01 > 1:25:05the 38-year-old man literally seconds away from a heart attack.
1:25:05 > 1:25:10Emile started to grind her pelvis against the floor,
1:25:10 > 1:25:12frotting herself on the stage.
1:25:12 > 1:25:15And Jacques showed the audience his pubes.
1:25:15 > 1:25:17Jacques showed the audience his pubes.
1:25:17 > 1:25:21Jacques, show your audience your greying pubic hair.
1:25:22 > 1:25:26Jacques showed the audience his greying pubes!
1:25:26 > 1:25:30Show your pubes! Come back here now! Come back!
1:25:30 > 1:25:33That was the theatre!
1:25:33 > 1:25:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:25:42 > 1:25:45Well, what a night we've had,
1:25:45 > 1:25:48and it comes to a frothy, exciting climax.
1:25:48 > 1:25:52Bringing the evening to its logical conclusion,
1:25:52 > 1:25:57performing a number from their newest album, entitled, NW5,
1:25:57 > 1:26:01once more with feeling please, for the Camden marauders themselves,
1:26:01 > 1:26:03Madness!
1:26:03 > 1:26:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
1:26:14 > 1:26:17I'm not, but he is!
1:26:20 > 1:26:25# Ooh, I watched you grow up Only to despise
1:26:27 > 1:26:30# I've seen the madness rise up
1:26:30 > 1:26:33# through taut bullet eyes
1:26:34 > 1:26:40# And I heard you come up Believing your own lies
1:26:41 > 1:26:46# Witnessed the blessing rise up In a very strange disguise
1:26:48 > 1:26:51# Though you have become a burden
1:26:51 > 1:26:54# One thing remains that's for certain
1:26:54 > 1:26:58# I will love you all my life
1:26:58 > 1:27:01# but without you in my life
1:27:03 > 1:27:05# Oh, I've seen you come up
1:27:05 > 1:27:08# I've seen you come alive
1:27:09 > 1:27:14# From them very humble beginnings in NW5
1:27:15 > 1:27:19# And though we face the final curtain
1:27:19 > 1:27:22# One thing remains that's for certain
1:27:22 > 1:27:26# I will love you all my life
1:27:26 > 1:27:29# But without you in my life
1:27:29 > 1:27:35# Cos I would give you everything
1:27:35 > 1:27:38# For just the smile you bring
1:27:38 > 1:27:42# For just a song to sing... #
1:27:42 > 1:27:45Half a saxophone! How can you have half a saxophone?
1:27:45 > 1:27:47That's ridiculous!
1:27:56 > 1:28:02# I would give you everything
1:28:02 > 1:28:05# For just that smile you bring
1:28:05 > 1:28:09# For just a song to sing
1:28:09 > 1:28:15# Oh, I would give you everything
1:28:15 > 1:28:19# For just the smile you bring
1:28:19 > 1:28:24# For just a song to sing us now. #
1:28:24 > 1:28:28APPLAUSE
1:28:29 > 1:28:31Thank you.
1:28:32 > 1:28:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007
1:28:36 > 1:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk