Victoria Wood: Seen on TV

0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Three words to describe Victoria Wood?- Three words?

0:00:05 > 0:00:06Oh...

0:00:06 > 0:00:08Oh, now that's difficult. Erm?

0:00:09 > 0:00:10Er...

0:00:12 > 0:00:14I have to think of good words.

0:00:14 > 0:00:16I could describe her in six words.

0:00:16 > 0:00:18- What have other people said? - Hysterical.

0:00:18 > 0:00:20Best friend, please.

0:00:20 > 0:00:22Funny, real...

0:00:22 > 0:00:23daft.

0:00:23 > 0:00:26It's true, innit?

0:00:26 > 0:00:30Multi-talented phenomenon.

0:00:30 > 0:00:32Funny, lowercase.

0:00:32 > 0:00:34There are too many. I can't give it three.

0:00:34 > 0:00:36Funny, uppercase.

0:00:36 > 0:00:38Funny, funny, funny.

0:00:38 > 0:00:41And funny in double extra-large letters.

0:00:41 > 0:00:42Vic is the queen.

0:00:42 > 0:00:46Very, very funny, very, very intelligent and very down to earth.

0:00:46 > 0:00:48I bow. I bow.

0:00:48 > 0:00:49Will that do?

0:00:49 > 0:00:50So here I am!

0:00:52 > 0:00:55If I meet people that don't get her humour or whatever,

0:00:55 > 0:00:58I think, "Well, can't really be friends with them."

0:00:58 > 0:01:00She is, as a writer, off the wall.

0:01:00 > 0:01:03Where's Mrs O? It's only her macaroons that kept me going.

0:01:03 > 0:01:07I find myself thinking, "It's just one marvellous joke after another."

0:01:07 > 0:01:13My favourite moment in a theatre ever was a Victoria Wood moment.

0:01:13 > 0:01:16- I love him really. - She's a hoot, isn't she?

0:01:16 > 0:01:18Is it on the trolley?

0:01:18 > 0:01:23I think the first words I ever remember Victoria Wood saying were "shag pile".

0:01:23 > 0:01:26Now that's the blue of our Margaret's shower curtain there.

0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Where?- Them varicose veins there.

0:01:28 > 0:01:30A kind of kaleidoscope, isn't she?

0:01:30 > 0:01:33She switches something round and something else wonderful happens.

0:01:33 > 0:01:37'It's so long since I'd a mince pie, I suppose I'd forgotten how to eat it.

0:01:37 > 0:01:41'Somehow I missed my mouth altogether and put it straight in my eye.'

0:01:41 > 0:01:46I think it's absolutely fair to say that Victoria changed the comedy landscape.

0:01:46 > 0:01:50Different pants for different moods with me. M&S, BHS, C&A, PMT.

0:01:50 > 0:01:56Feels like you're meeting somebody who's incredibly bright but could have lived a street away from you.

0:01:57 > 0:02:01Thank God she's there. There's somebody funny to laugh at that is, apparently, female.

0:02:01 > 0:02:04It never bothered me when you looked like Tommy Cooper.

0:02:04 > 0:02:07Really glad I met her. I suppose I should stand up

0:02:07 > 0:02:09and bump my head on the microphone, but I'm not going to.

0:02:11 > 0:02:15I hope that she knows the world loves her, cos they do.

0:02:20 > 0:02:21APPLAUSE

0:02:21 > 0:02:22Eh, eh.

0:02:22 > 0:02:24I'm meeting a man tonight.

0:02:24 > 0:02:26I'm going on a proper date.

0:02:26 > 0:02:28He's taking me to a creperie.

0:02:29 > 0:02:33We're going to creep in, have a crepe and creep out again.

0:02:33 > 0:02:35'I still get muddled up with Pam Ayers.'

0:02:35 > 0:02:39Another person stopped me and said, "You were absolutely brilliant."

0:02:39 > 0:02:43I thought he said, "You ARE absolutely brilliant." "OK. Thank you so much. "

0:02:43 > 0:02:46He said, "You were absolutely brilliant in Mamma Mia!"

0:02:46 > 0:02:49I went, "I wasn't in Mamma Mia. That was Julie Walters."

0:02:49 > 0:02:51Thank you.

0:02:52 > 0:02:58- How self-conscious do you feel when we're doing things like this, when you're...?- Not at all.

0:02:58 > 0:03:00But then I'm not the one walking backwards.

0:03:00 > 0:03:02Go on, Luce, you can do it!

0:03:02 > 0:03:04Eh! How's that? Is that a good 'un?

0:03:04 > 0:03:06'I was always comfortable with it.'

0:03:06 > 0:03:10I was always took it as a great sign that... Mind that sign.

0:03:10 > 0:03:13I took it as a sign that what I was doing was working.

0:03:13 > 0:03:16That I was on the telly and people knew who I was.

0:03:16 > 0:03:17Ooh, hello!

0:03:17 > 0:03:20- They've been signed by you. - They're signed already?

0:03:20 > 0:03:21In Liverpool.

0:03:21 > 0:03:25- Well, they're very nice, I must say. - Do you like it?- Yes.

0:03:25 > 0:03:30I've never understood people who go into show business then complain their privacy's been invaded

0:03:30 > 0:03:33by people asking for autographs, cos to me that's part of the job.

0:03:33 > 0:03:34Big sign coming up.

0:03:34 > 0:03:37Look, if I go out of the photo...

0:03:37 > 0:03:40'I don't get recognised a huge amount. I never get hassled.

0:03:40 > 0:03:43'Maybe people will look twice because they've seen me on the telly.'

0:03:43 > 0:03:47It's a very minimal thing in my case. Big tree stump coming up.

0:03:47 > 0:03:49It's not a big thing.

0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Thank you.- You're welcome. - Thank you so much.- Bye.

0:03:52 > 0:03:54'Ello.

0:03:54 > 0:03:56I'm looking for me friend.

0:04:01 > 0:04:03Kimberly.

0:04:03 > 0:04:07People are lovely, so nice. They used to say, "We really like your work."

0:04:07 > 0:04:09Now they say, "We've liked you for years and years."

0:04:09 > 0:04:12You think, "You don't have to mention how many years."

0:04:12 > 0:04:13Have you seen 'er?

0:04:15 > 0:04:19I didn't know whether I could make a career out of it.

0:04:19 > 0:04:22I mean, at university I was a real big flop

0:04:22 > 0:04:26and I always had this feeling there was something that I could do.

0:04:26 > 0:04:30I couldn't quite nail down what it was, because there was no role model for me really,

0:04:30 > 0:04:33as a woman stand up or even sitting at the piano singing.

0:04:33 > 0:04:36There was really nobody else doing that.

0:04:36 > 0:04:38So I was very much blundering about in the dark.

0:04:44 > 0:04:47# Mum is glad I'm not rough and she loves me enough

0:04:47 > 0:04:50# To tell me, twice

0:04:50 > 0:04:52# What she doesn't know And I hope it doesn't show

0:04:52 > 0:04:54# Is that I hate being nice. #

0:04:54 > 0:04:58I think the most important thing about Victoria was that she changed

0:04:58 > 0:05:01everything, not just in women's comedy on television,

0:05:01 > 0:05:03but in comedy in general on television.

0:05:03 > 0:05:06She was the one who broke the grip of the old Footlight's tradition.

0:05:06 > 0:05:08It had given us a lot. It still does,

0:05:08 > 0:05:11but it needed expanding and she was the one who did it.

0:05:11 > 0:05:12On her own actually.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15Just coming out of the north like a new, great wave...

0:05:15 > 0:05:17a one-person, invading army.

0:05:17 > 0:05:19I come out of toilet and he says,

0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Eh, scallop face, your skirt's caught up in your knickers at back!"

0:05:22 > 0:05:23I said, "Know why?" He says, "Why?"

0:05:23 > 0:05:26"Cos that's latest fashion. I read it in a boook."

0:05:26 > 0:05:28He says, "What boook?" I said, "Vogue, that's what boook."

0:05:28 > 0:05:30"Oh, likely, likely. When do you read Vogue?"

0:05:30 > 0:05:34I said, "When I'm in hospital having exploratory surgery."

0:05:34 > 0:05:35- He said, "Oh."- He didn't?- He did.

0:05:35 > 0:05:39Vic was outside of any of the supposed scenes,

0:05:39 > 0:05:42either the Oxbridge scene or the alternative scene.

0:05:42 > 0:05:47And, in fact, I later discovered that Vic had come this kind of circuitous route.

0:05:47 > 0:05:49Quite similar to Len, actually.

0:05:49 > 0:05:52I wasn't like the alternative comics who came up a few years later,

0:05:52 > 0:05:54who were very much a band of brothers.

0:05:54 > 0:05:59I was just on my own, living in a bedsit in Birmingham and really not knowing at all...

0:05:59 > 0:06:03I was clueless, except I did have, you know, some core of self-belief

0:06:03 > 0:06:06that I could actually make it work somehow. I didn't know how.

0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yes, it's the New Faces Winners Show.

0:06:11 > 0:06:13With Les Dennis.

0:06:13 > 0:06:15When I was at university in Birmingham,

0:06:15 > 0:06:19New Faces was shot at the ATV studios in Birmingham

0:06:19 > 0:06:21and it was the big talent show to be on.

0:06:21 > 0:06:25Victoria Wood. Jess and the Gingerbreads.

0:06:25 > 0:06:29New Faces was about people who wanted to get into show business,

0:06:29 > 0:06:33people who were in show business that needed television to launch their career a bit further.

0:06:33 > 0:06:36It was the one to be on and a friend was a make-up girl on it.

0:06:36 > 0:06:40The day I auditioned there was a queue of people round the block

0:06:40 > 0:06:43at the Dolce Vita nightclub where they were holding the auditions

0:06:43 > 0:06:47and she put my application form to the top of the pile and so I was able to be seen.

0:06:47 > 0:06:50Otherwise I never would have got seen or got on the telly.

0:06:50 > 0:06:53This young lady, well, what can you say about someone?

0:06:53 > 0:06:55She's just finished at Birmingham University

0:06:55 > 0:06:58after gaining an honours degree in drama.

0:06:58 > 0:07:02You always used to get huge viewing figures... 17, 18 million a week...

0:07:02 > 0:07:06and the impact was like X Factor is now.

0:07:06 > 0:07:10Please welcome Victoria Wood.

0:07:10 > 0:07:12APPLAUSE

0:07:14 > 0:07:17New Faces was actually a wonderful way to catapult her on.

0:07:17 > 0:07:21# There's a tin in the office cupboard

0:07:22 > 0:07:24# Labelled "Lorraine"

0:07:26 > 0:07:30# Because I've gone and get engaged again

0:07:33 > 0:07:36# I wonder what they'll give me?

0:07:36 > 0:07:40# Money would be ideal

0:07:40 > 0:07:43# Probably be something practical

0:07:43 > 0:07:45# In stainless steel... #

0:07:45 > 0:07:47I thought that was it. I thought, "Sorted!"

0:07:47 > 0:07:51You know, I'd been on ATV for three minutes on a Saturday night

0:07:51 > 0:07:53and I've won, so really, you know, what's the problem?

0:07:53 > 0:07:57Then a few years later I'm still sitting in a bedsit thinking,

0:07:57 > 0:07:58"Mm? Nothing's happened."

0:07:58 > 0:08:02# I'll be back at social security

0:08:02 > 0:08:05# Queuing up to be abused

0:08:05 > 0:08:07# To be listed

0:08:08 > 0:08:09# On a card index

0:08:09 > 0:08:12# A singer, slightly used. #

0:08:12 > 0:08:18'That's Life! seemed like a big thing, but I was very unenterprising and I didn't really have an agent.'

0:08:18 > 0:08:22Although I was on telly every two weeks to an audience of 50 million,

0:08:22 > 0:08:26the songs were not particularly interesting, cos they were based on current events

0:08:26 > 0:08:29and things Esther asked me to write that were in the news.

0:08:29 > 0:08:32I could have used that as a launching pad, but sadly

0:08:32 > 0:08:34didn't have the nous to capitalise on this.

0:08:38 > 0:08:41# Ever heard of being happy?

0:08:41 > 0:08:42# Ever heard of fun?

0:08:42 > 0:08:47# Why this wonderful impression of a hot cross bun? #

0:08:47 > 0:08:50I first noticed her when she did her first little stage show in London.

0:08:50 > 0:08:53She was on stage with a couple of my friends.

0:08:53 > 0:08:56I was living in the same house as the friends and they took me along.

0:08:56 > 0:08:59And I think it's fair to say that Victoria stood out.

0:08:59 > 0:09:01She had this super weapon, of course,

0:09:01 > 0:09:03she could write the music and sing it.

0:09:03 > 0:09:08- Young people these days turn to each other's private parts... - Out of sheer boredom.- They do.

0:09:08 > 0:09:11- They do.- In my day, it wasn't the same.- Of course, it wasn't.

0:09:11 > 0:09:15Kept myself happy for years with a couple of bobbins and a crochet hook.

0:09:15 > 0:09:17'The minute I realised I had found my voice...'

0:09:17 > 0:09:21Cos every comedian, every writer, has to have their own voice.

0:09:21 > 0:09:24And up until the point that you find your voice, you're really, you know,

0:09:24 > 0:09:29you're wandering around in the wilderness, echoing people who've gone before.

0:09:29 > 0:09:32It was in '78. I was at the Bush Theatre in Shepherd's Bush.

0:09:32 > 0:09:36I was doing a review that Julie Walters was in and I was just one of the writers.

0:09:38 > 0:09:44I didn't understand the humour of the other sketches and then suddenly Vic and Julie

0:09:44 > 0:09:47came on and it was total bliss and right up my street.

0:09:47 > 0:09:51The big hit of the evening was her saying to me,

0:09:51 > 0:09:54"Well, where are you in the menstrual cycle?"

0:09:54 > 0:09:57And I said..."Taurus."

0:09:59 > 0:10:02And the whole house just came down every night.

0:10:06 > 0:10:08It was like somebody banging a gong.

0:10:08 > 0:10:12I wrote this sentence and it was constructed in such a way that it was funny,

0:10:12 > 0:10:15whereas everything I'd written before was nearly funny.

0:10:15 > 0:10:18There's nothing worse than nearly funny. It's painful.

0:10:18 > 0:10:20This was properly funny.

0:10:20 > 0:10:22We'll do it properly now, shall we?

0:10:22 > 0:10:25- Shall we?- Could we do it again? - Could you? Did you write this?

0:10:27 > 0:10:32Everything comes down to just that one sketch, meeting Julie in that summer of '78.

0:10:32 > 0:10:37So I didn't change so much, as I was in my groove and people started to recognise that.

0:10:37 > 0:10:41During the course of that I found out that we had in fact met before.

0:10:41 > 0:10:43She said, "We've met before, you know."

0:10:43 > 0:10:46I looked at her and I said, "Were you at Manchester Poly?"

0:10:46 > 0:10:50She said, "Yeah. Were you there in a green cardigan?" I said, "Yeah."

0:10:50 > 0:10:52And she didn't get in. They've never lived it down.

0:10:52 > 0:10:56And I've told everybody. I've told all the press, absolutely everyone.

0:10:56 > 0:11:02Till eventually I got a letter from the chancellor, or whatever the head of it's called, I can't remember,

0:11:02 > 0:11:05saying, "Please! We are sorry she didn't get in!"

0:11:05 > 0:11:07David Leland, who was a theatre director,

0:11:07 > 0:11:10who was doing a new play season at The Crucible in Sheffield...

0:11:10 > 0:11:13he saw that show at the Bush Theatre with Julie and I, and said to me,

0:11:13 > 0:11:16"Have you ever thought of writing a play?" No, I hadn't.

0:11:16 > 0:11:19He said, "Why don't you try and write one?" So I wrote one.

0:11:19 > 0:11:24And there was a large brown envelope through the letterbox.

0:11:24 > 0:11:30There was nothing in the envelope, but written on the back of the envelope was the plot for Talent.

0:11:30 > 0:11:33He said, "If you can think of an idea, put it through my letterbox."

0:11:33 > 0:11:36I did it in the night so I wouldn't have to talk to him.

0:11:36 > 0:11:38He said, "OK, write it." I'd never written a play.

0:11:38 > 0:11:40I thought, "That's easy."

0:11:40 > 0:11:43I wrote it in three weeks. I never changed it or anything.

0:11:43 > 0:11:44We might not win.

0:11:44 > 0:11:47No. We might get spotted.

0:11:49 > 0:11:52The man at the audition said a BBC producer come in once.

0:11:52 > 0:11:56But they don't take girls from offices to be on the television.

0:11:56 > 0:11:57They do!

0:11:57 > 0:11:59What about Pam Ayers?

0:11:59 > 0:12:04I was writing from the heart and I was writing with all that, you know, enthusiasm and energy.

0:12:04 > 0:12:08All the plays I wrote after that I put in the bin as I was so self-critical.

0:12:08 > 0:12:10But with Talent I don't think I was...

0:12:10 > 0:12:14I thought, "David knows. I'll write it for him, he can say if he likes it or not."

0:12:14 > 0:12:16What's the name of the programme?

0:12:16 > 0:12:18Wood And Walters. Studio six.

0:12:19 > 0:12:22Nope. Sorry. It's not down here.

0:12:22 > 0:12:27Wood And Walters came about because we'd done Talent at Granada for Peter Eckersley,

0:12:27 > 0:12:31who was head of drama, and he asked me if I wanted to have my own show.

0:12:31 > 0:12:33Have you no form of identification?

0:12:33 > 0:12:36Oh, show him your birthmark, Julie.

0:12:36 > 0:12:41I said, "I don't want to carry a whole show on my own. "Can Julie be in it as well?"

0:12:41 > 0:12:46And that's... And we sat in a room for a day before anybody thought of the title, Wood And Walters.

0:12:49 > 0:12:52- I am Victoria Wood. This is Julie Walters.- Good evening.

0:12:52 > 0:12:56- The original title was Two Creatures, Great And Small. - Or Wood Is Thicker Than Walters.

0:12:58 > 0:13:01Wood And Walters was like nothing on earth.

0:13:02 > 0:13:07Well, it was like some old people's home's day out.

0:13:10 > 0:13:13Ancient. I think they must have driven round in a bus saying,

0:13:13 > 0:13:17"If you don't like laughing, you know, get on this bus and we'll go to Granada

0:13:17 > 0:13:20and we'll show you some sketches won't you enjoy." It was painful.

0:13:20 > 0:13:22"Ooh, I don't know who... Who are they?"

0:13:22 > 0:13:24You'd hear a lot of that.

0:13:24 > 0:13:27Welcome to Wood And Walters, the comedy show with a difference.

0:13:27 > 0:13:30- It's off-beat.- It's zany. - It doesn't get laughs.

0:13:30 > 0:13:34And Ted Robins was our warm-up man and he was so desperate...

0:13:34 > 0:13:39I mean, he could only have been a boy then, cos this is 30 years ago.

0:13:39 > 0:13:40Or 35 years ago.

0:13:40 > 0:13:42He actually dropped his trousers

0:13:42 > 0:13:44and showed his bare bottom to an old lady.

0:13:44 > 0:13:47She'd been through two world wars and a depression.

0:13:47 > 0:13:50It'd take more than Ted's bum to make her crack a smile.

0:13:50 > 0:13:54Before we go any further, I'd like to say there's no canned laughter.

0:13:54 > 0:13:58- But we have been promised it will be here before the end of the programme.- Yeah.

0:13:58 > 0:14:01The show was successful. The series was successful.

0:14:01 > 0:14:03But it was hard doing it in those circumstances.

0:14:03 > 0:14:07- What does a producer do? - He comes down at the end and tells you how good it was.

0:14:10 > 0:14:16I knew it wasn't really very good and so I was bit, you know, distressed about it.

0:14:19 > 0:14:22I had a very different set-up at the BBC, because I had Geoff Posner,

0:14:22 > 0:14:26who produced and directed, who had a very great grip on the whole thing.

0:14:26 > 0:14:29So I had a very, very solid base from which to work.

0:14:32 > 0:14:33Happy with your wash?

0:14:33 > 0:14:37- Yes.- How about close up?

0:14:37 > 0:14:38Yes!

0:14:38 > 0:14:42I went to visit her in Preston in this lovely little house she had,

0:14:42 > 0:14:44and sitting on the floor was Julie Walters.

0:14:44 > 0:14:45I introduced myself to her.

0:14:45 > 0:14:48The three of us read all of series one of As Seen On TV

0:14:48 > 0:14:52and I just had trouble in keeping a straight face.

0:14:52 > 0:14:54Did you go and see Macbeth?

0:14:54 > 0:14:58Uh! It wasn't a patch on Brigadoon.

0:14:58 > 0:15:03There was some terrible woman who kept washing her hands, saying she'd never get them clean.

0:15:03 > 0:15:06I felt like shouting out, "Try Swarfega!"

0:15:06 > 0:15:10The quality of the writing was just absolutely extraordinary, even in those days.

0:15:10 > 0:15:14Right from the word go, Victoria was writing all of those wonderful

0:15:14 > 0:15:18little phrases and sentences and rhythms that she's really famous for.

0:15:18 > 0:15:20- We walked out in the end.- Why?

0:15:20 > 0:15:22Someone said "womb".

0:15:22 > 0:15:25- No.- Mm. I said to Col, "Get your duffel!

0:15:25 > 0:15:27£2 on a box of Quality Street and someone says womb."

0:15:29 > 0:15:34I just learnt in the interim what you needed to do to put a good sketch show together.

0:15:34 > 0:15:37- Is Tony still in the SAS? - No, he left.- Well, you have to be

0:15:37 > 0:15:40incredibly tough to stick it. The violence and...

0:15:40 > 0:15:43Oh, and then of course the balaclava was so itchy.

0:15:43 > 0:15:45I was aware of Victoria of course

0:15:45 > 0:15:47from New Faces and for That's Life! and so on.

0:15:47 > 0:15:50I liked what she did, but it wasn't until As Seen On TV

0:15:50 > 0:15:54and me finding that that I became this sort of obsessive, stalking fan

0:15:54 > 0:15:57who has now learnt virtually every script she's ever written.

0:15:57 > 0:16:01- Our next-doors had sex again last night.- Not again!

0:16:01 > 0:16:03I mean, I like a joke,

0:16:03 > 0:16:05but that's twice this month!

0:16:07 > 0:16:11I could not think what the noise was.

0:16:11 > 0:16:14I thought our central heating had come on a month early.

0:16:14 > 0:16:19Then I heard someone shout, "Oh, don't bother, Ken! I'll do it meself!"

0:16:19 > 0:16:21Most sketch shows these days,

0:16:21 > 0:16:24it seems to be a requirement they're hit and miss in the listings.

0:16:24 > 0:16:27But I don't think there's any misses with Victoria.

0:16:27 > 0:16:28It was always gem after gem.

0:16:28 > 0:16:30How's Plymouth looking?

0:16:30 > 0:16:32Either way, Alan, either way.

0:16:32 > 0:16:35It's on hold. I feel personally that Plymouth could be another Exeter.

0:16:35 > 0:16:36That's interesting.

0:16:36 > 0:16:39I'm keeping an ear to the ground with Plymouth.

0:16:39 > 0:16:42I think what the regional boys tend to forget...

0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Tim.- Alan.

0:16:44 > 0:16:46Just coffee, thank you.

0:16:46 > 0:16:49Yah, the regional boys...

0:16:49 > 0:16:51Yes, just coffee for me, too, please.

0:16:51 > 0:16:54You never know how anything's going to really be received,

0:16:54 > 0:16:59but, yeah, I mean, we just knew how funny the sketches were.

0:16:59 > 0:17:02No matter what, we knew that they were really funny

0:17:02 > 0:17:05and if Wood And Walters was successful, this had to be.

0:17:05 > 0:17:07Have you seen it?

0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Erm... - Have you seen it on the trolley?

0:17:10 > 0:17:12Just two coffees. No sweet.

0:17:12 > 0:17:13Two coffees. No sweet.

0:17:13 > 0:17:15That's it. What was I...? The Isle of Wight.

0:17:15 > 0:17:18Have you seen it on the trolley?

0:17:18 > 0:17:20No. Yes, thank you.

0:17:20 > 0:17:22Is it a sorbet?

0:17:22 > 0:17:24Just two coffees, thank you.

0:17:24 > 0:17:26Now, Plymouth...

0:17:26 > 0:17:29Can you point at it?

0:17:29 > 0:17:31There's a degree of surreality in that.

0:17:31 > 0:17:34It's these two worlds which are not meeting one another.

0:17:34 > 0:17:37On paper, that must have looked...

0:17:37 > 0:17:40"I don't know that this is terribly funny. " The moment she does it...

0:17:40 > 0:17:45And if you listen to the lines, there's nothing there really to hang your hat on.

0:17:45 > 0:17:46But it's priceless.

0:17:46 > 0:17:49We just want the old cafe... coffee.

0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'll handle this, Tim, thanks very much.

0:17:51 > 0:17:53- Coffee?- Coffee.

0:17:53 > 0:17:55Is it on the trolley?

0:17:55 > 0:17:58So many things are in there that I think

0:17:58 > 0:18:01now seem like they've always been done,

0:18:01 > 0:18:05but I don't think you could trace them back past her, you know.

0:18:05 > 0:18:08I think she did relish the telly format and use it.

0:18:08 > 0:18:13Well, I think you'll agree with me that was a lot better than being dead at any rate.

0:18:13 > 0:18:15'Oh, my God, Susie Blake!'

0:18:15 > 0:18:17The TV announcer.

0:18:17 > 0:18:19Now that was a gem.

0:18:19 > 0:18:22And later on we have the British premiere of the rarely-performed

0:18:22 > 0:18:27Spanish opera by Leopoldo Gutierrez, Miseria En Una Lavanderia.

0:18:27 > 0:18:31I'm wasted here really, aren't I?

0:18:31 > 0:18:33I was reading for a different character, in fact.

0:18:33 > 0:18:37I was reading to play Celia Imrie's daughter in Acorn Antiques.

0:18:37 > 0:18:38Then she gave me these monologues.

0:18:38 > 0:18:41Hello, just time for a quick weather check.

0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'm afraid the promised heat wave never arrived.

0:18:44 > 0:18:47I was quite relieved actually because, whenever it's hot,

0:18:47 > 0:18:50a lot of the girls here come to work in sleeveless tops

0:18:50 > 0:18:53and some of them are very overweight and I get quite depressed

0:18:53 > 0:18:56having to look at their enormous arms all day long.

0:18:56 > 0:18:59I started reading one. I couldn't get through them. They were so funny.

0:18:59 > 0:19:03Of course, obesity is a tremendous problem for a lot of people,

0:19:03 > 0:19:07a lot of weak-willed, self-indulgent guzzlers, that is.

0:19:07 > 0:19:08Anyway, the weather.

0:19:08 > 0:19:10# Shock, shock, horror, horror... #

0:19:10 > 0:19:14I've had a lot of very lovely letters asking me where I buy the various

0:19:14 > 0:19:17tops and blouses I wear to the studio day by day.

0:19:17 > 0:19:20Well, obviously I can't reply to you all personally,

0:19:20 > 0:19:24so I'll just take this opportunity to say to those who took the trouble to write in,

0:19:24 > 0:19:26Mind your own business.

0:19:26 > 0:19:29# The female of the species

0:19:29 > 0:19:31# Is more deadly than the male. #

0:19:31 > 0:19:35I think it's just the strain of having someone flapping their hands

0:19:35 > 0:19:38over my shoulder like a demented chicken.

0:19:38 > 0:19:44And now, disestablishmentarianism in Krakatoa, east of Java.

0:19:44 > 0:19:46Do that without chipping your nail varnish!

0:19:46 > 0:19:48'I just looked up and smiled'

0:19:48 > 0:19:51and they started laughing. It was the most wonderful feeling.

0:19:51 > 0:19:53Vic had got it absolutely right...

0:19:53 > 0:19:55this monstrous person.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57It was not hard to do.

0:19:57 > 0:19:59We'd like to apologise to viewers in the north.

0:19:59 > 0:20:01It must be awful for them.

0:20:03 > 0:20:06That's what, about 12 words or something?

0:20:06 > 0:20:11Fabulous. I think it says so much about,

0:20:11 > 0:20:14you know, how we feel, how the media treats us.

0:20:14 > 0:20:16What the south actually thinks of us.

0:20:16 > 0:20:19And yet we can all laugh at it. We can all find that hilarious.

0:20:19 > 0:20:22It's really, really, on so many levels, hilarious and clever.

0:20:22 > 0:20:26# Pretend to be northern

0:20:26 > 0:20:28# Just smile and act dense

0:20:28 > 0:20:30# Just sing something northern

0:20:30 > 0:20:32# It doesn't have to make sense

0:20:32 > 0:20:35# Make a list of northern cliches

0:20:35 > 0:20:37# And you can't go wrong

0:20:37 > 0:20:39# Put in any order

0:20:39 > 0:20:41# You've got a northern song. #

0:20:41 > 0:20:45There was a lot of criticism when the series first came out I remember

0:20:45 > 0:20:47and the northernness of it was one of those.

0:20:47 > 0:20:50# Wigan, a Blackpool tram

0:20:50 > 0:20:52Brass band, butties in your hands

0:20:52 > 0:20:53# Whippets and next-door's man. #

0:20:53 > 0:20:58It was a very unfair criticism because she spoke with the language that she grew up with,

0:20:58 > 0:21:03and she also addressed people in a way that they perhaps had never been addressed before.

0:21:03 > 0:21:06- By the thump, Minnie Colwell, you take the barm cake!- Oh, leave her be.

0:21:06 > 0:21:11You 'ave a chip on your shoulder that big, Jackson's chippie couldn't come up wi' vinegar.

0:21:11 > 0:21:15Put a pikelet in it, and you might hear summat to your own advantage.

0:21:17 > 0:21:21I don't want to be a professional northerner, but it is hugely important to me

0:21:21 > 0:21:24I am from somewhere and it is somewhere that has its own identity

0:21:24 > 0:21:28and it is somewhere that has a huge percentage of comedians, actually.

0:21:28 > 0:21:31Liverpool and Lancashire has the most, probably.

0:21:36 > 0:21:39That gave her access of course to a whole range of experience

0:21:39 > 0:21:42of life, of accents, of class,

0:21:42 > 0:21:46that added so much colour to the entire picture,

0:21:46 > 0:21:49which had been rather provincial before that.

0:21:49 > 0:21:50Me dad was in the band.

0:21:50 > 0:21:51Will he 'eck as like!

0:21:54 > 0:21:58She manages to touch everybody's life by making observations that

0:21:58 > 0:22:04might come from the north in her, but which are universally applicable.

0:22:14 > 0:22:15Well, can I join?

0:22:15 > 0:22:17Well boys?

0:22:17 > 0:22:22Shall we have a woman in the Associated Fettlers and Warp and Wefter Justice Silver Band?

0:22:23 > 0:22:25No!

0:22:25 > 0:22:27Sorry, love.

0:22:27 > 0:22:28No, fair enough.

0:22:28 > 0:22:31Is she from the north? Yes, she is.

0:22:31 > 0:22:33Is she a northern-style comic?

0:22:33 > 0:22:35No. She's a comedian.

0:22:35 > 0:22:38My mother, like a lot of mothers in the 1950s, used sweets as a reward.

0:22:39 > 0:22:41If you were good, did your jobs, you got your sweets.

0:22:41 > 0:22:44If you did dry-stone walling, you got Maltesers.

0:22:44 > 0:22:47She was just such a breath of fresh air really,

0:22:47 > 0:22:50because it was like, you kinda looked at her and went,

0:22:50 > 0:22:53"Oh, hurrah! Someone normal's on the telly."

0:22:53 > 0:22:56It ended up in a bedroom with a man who owned a DIY shop.

0:22:56 > 0:22:59He ripped off his clothes, said, "What would you like me to do?"

0:22:59 > 0:23:03"Really, I'd like you to insulate the loft and lag the hot-water tank."

0:23:03 > 0:23:08Anybody who might have thought that to be a girl comedian

0:23:08 > 0:23:12you had to be sort of just like Goldie Hawn,

0:23:12 > 0:23:17you had to sort of be dim and blonde and perky...

0:23:17 > 0:23:23Victoria Wood...is blonde actually, and perky, but she's far from dim.

0:23:23 > 0:23:26Ursula Andress was 42. Patricia Hodge was 46.

0:23:26 > 0:23:29Barbara Cartland was 103.

0:23:29 > 0:23:34What am I talking about? Yes, late motherhood.

0:23:34 > 0:23:37She does deal in kind of...

0:23:37 > 0:23:41In real life and the comedy of the absurdity of real life.

0:23:41 > 0:23:46There's nothing in her humour that says, "look how clever I am".

0:23:46 > 0:23:51It's about, "I've spotted this and you've spotted this and we've all spotted this".

0:23:51 > 0:23:54You can't be an observational comic without an observational audience,

0:23:54 > 0:23:56or they wouldn't know what you were talking about.

0:23:56 > 0:24:00You say something and everyone goes, "Ah, I've always thought that."

0:24:00 > 0:24:02I was just the one that said it, that was all.

0:24:02 > 0:24:05Do you know, I've scoured this store from top to bottom.

0:24:05 > 0:24:09Can I find a side-winding thermal body belt? Can I...

0:24:09 > 0:24:10What did you want one for?

0:24:10 > 0:24:13Excuse me. I think you'll find there's Spam on that.

0:24:15 > 0:24:17Nobody writes sketches like her.

0:24:17 > 0:24:21Because in that short space of time you really get who the person is

0:24:21 > 0:24:25and what is being said about them, and people recognise them instantly.

0:24:25 > 0:24:27- That gippy kidney.- Flared up?

0:24:27 > 0:24:31Ooh, I'll say. It's like being continually poked.

0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Can you imagine that?- No.

0:24:34 > 0:24:38This is somebody who writes, who does her own shopping.

0:24:38 > 0:24:39Oh, this is ridiculous!

0:24:39 > 0:24:42Can I crash by? I'm a diabetic.

0:24:45 > 0:24:48There's no exclusivity to her humour.

0:24:48 > 0:24:50But it's not dumbed down either.

0:24:50 > 0:24:53There's a real gift

0:24:53 > 0:24:55to reaching out to everyone.

0:24:55 > 0:24:57A small mineral water and an orange squash please.

0:24:57 > 0:25:00Water and squash down the end by the trays. Tea, coffee?

0:25:00 > 0:25:03You've a look of Eva Braun, did you know?

0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's something that politicians would kill for.

0:25:06 > 0:25:10- What about those Dublin prawns? - Never touch prawns. Do you know,

0:25:10 > 0:25:12they hang around sewage outlet pipes,

0:25:12 > 0:25:14treading water with their mouths open.

0:25:16 > 0:25:17They love it!

0:25:17 > 0:25:19Aren't prawns an aphrodisiac?

0:25:19 > 0:25:21I wouldn't put it past them.

0:25:21 > 0:25:25Those ones where it was her and Victoria, with Julie Walters,

0:25:25 > 0:25:28when they're just the pair of them in various situations,

0:25:28 > 0:25:31that's when there's such a magic.

0:25:33 > 0:25:36Our Christmas pudding is down there somewhere,

0:25:36 > 0:25:39and you can be sure we shall dig till we get it.

0:25:39 > 0:25:42And if I find my husband as well, that's all to the good.

0:25:42 > 0:25:45How about you, Mum?

0:25:45 > 0:25:47Is Hitler's nightly bombardment getting you down?

0:25:47 > 0:25:51No! The blackout, rationing and being in daily danger of death

0:25:51 > 0:25:53have been a real tonic to me.

0:25:53 > 0:25:56Victoria and Julie make a terrific double act.

0:25:56 > 0:25:58By God!

0:25:58 > 0:26:02If her bum were a bungalow, she'd never gerra mortgage on it.

0:26:04 > 0:26:06She's let it drop.

0:26:06 > 0:26:08I'll say. Never mind knickers.

0:26:08 > 0:26:10She needs a safety net.

0:26:10 > 0:26:14Julie is such a comedian that Victoria gets a chance to play the straight man.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16You can pick up a lot of extra laughs as a straight man.

0:26:16 > 0:26:20- You have to clench those buttocks. - Do yer?

0:26:20 > 0:26:23She'll never ger hers clenched.

0:26:24 > 0:26:28It'd take two big lads and a wheelbarra'.

0:26:28 > 0:26:32There is no doubt that Julie brings something really special to Victoria's work

0:26:32 > 0:26:35and Victoria writes something really special for Julie to do.

0:26:35 > 0:26:41They understand each other. They just have an amazing chemistry.

0:26:49 > 0:26:50No, sorry, sorry.

0:26:50 > 0:26:53The black ones. They're a flat lace-up.

0:26:53 > 0:26:54Beg pardon?

0:26:54 > 0:26:55Well, those aren't flat.

0:26:59 > 0:27:01Flatter now.

0:27:02 > 0:27:05Victoria is somehow Captain Sensible

0:27:05 > 0:27:08compared to...mad Walters.

0:27:08 > 0:27:11They're in the window.

0:27:11 > 0:27:12Are they?!

0:27:18 > 0:27:22We think we've got hens in the skirting board.

0:27:22 > 0:27:25There's hens in the skirting board!

0:27:25 > 0:27:27Yes. That is...

0:27:27 > 0:27:29I can't imagine how that...

0:27:29 > 0:27:31If you're writing a shoe-shop sketch,

0:27:31 > 0:27:37it pings into your head, "I'll say that she says there's hens in the skirting board."

0:27:37 > 0:27:39She knows what Julie's capable of.

0:27:39 > 0:27:43She has complete respect for her and the same is true of Julie.

0:27:43 > 0:27:48She knows that whatever Vic writes it'll be wonderful to perform,

0:27:48 > 0:27:52great fun and just clever and good.

0:27:52 > 0:27:55You've been looking at double-glazing?

0:27:55 > 0:27:56Cheap double-glazing, Joan.

0:27:56 > 0:28:00- With emphasis on the cheap rather than the glazing?- Absolutely. So...

0:28:00 > 0:28:05So in effect, we don't have to spend £3,000 or £4,000 or £5,000 keeping our homes draft free.

0:28:05 > 0:28:08- No, so...- So how do we go about it?

0:28:08 > 0:28:10I'm sorry. Could you just move away.

0:28:10 > 0:28:11Your breath smells.

0:28:13 > 0:28:18All good, sort of, comedy duos have this telepathy. It just works.

0:28:18 > 0:28:20And that's the magic in it, really.

0:28:20 > 0:28:24It doesn't do sometimes to be too over-analytical about why something works.

0:28:24 > 0:28:28It's just lovely to accept it and say, "It does, doesn't it?"

0:28:29 > 0:28:32This is the highlight of the holiday as far as I'm concerned.

0:28:32 > 0:28:34A two-day course in simple mountaineering.

0:28:34 > 0:28:38It's a marvellous way for single people to get to know one another,

0:28:38 > 0:28:40because in a life and death situation like this

0:28:40 > 0:28:43you're totally dependent on your climbing partner.

0:28:43 > 0:28:44Margery, I'm coming up!

0:28:44 > 0:28:46OK.

0:28:46 > 0:28:52If Margery were to let her concentration lapse for just one second, I could literally...

0:28:55 > 0:28:57Well...

0:28:59 > 0:29:01- That's it. Happy holidays.- Bye.

0:29:01 > 0:29:03There's a connection.

0:29:03 > 0:29:08It seems there's always like arrows through their hearts, because,

0:29:08 > 0:29:16whether it's being absolutely over the top, side-splitting comedy

0:29:16 > 0:29:21or the most unbearable, heartbreaking tragedy,

0:29:21 > 0:29:24they seem to have an understanding,

0:29:24 > 0:29:27both of them, of what's required of the other.

0:29:27 > 0:29:29The same things made us laugh.

0:29:29 > 0:29:31The same people made us laugh.

0:29:31 > 0:29:34And so there was already a kind of...

0:29:34 > 0:29:36There were shortcuts all the time with us

0:29:36 > 0:29:39and we made one another laugh.

0:29:39 > 0:29:42And, yeah, we just got on.

0:29:44 > 0:29:46The fact that we were together in '78

0:29:46 > 0:29:48and that was such a seminal year for me,

0:29:48 > 0:29:52and this year when we'd finished filming the special

0:29:52 > 0:29:54and we went over to see Talent,

0:29:54 > 0:29:57which was my first play that she and I did on the television.

0:29:57 > 0:30:01We went to see it... It just had the theatre production in London.

0:30:01 > 0:30:04And to have been filming with her that day

0:30:04 > 0:30:08and to be sitting watching that play with her, with two girls

0:30:08 > 0:30:11playing our parts, you know, two girls of 25.

0:30:11 > 0:30:13And it felt really special.

0:30:13 > 0:30:16I felt really fortunate that we had worked all that time.

0:30:16 > 0:30:19And she's had an absolutely brilliant career.

0:30:19 > 0:30:21And I just felt, you know,

0:30:21 > 0:30:24it was just a lucky thing that we were friends all that time.

0:30:24 > 0:30:27Lady with the split ends, can I have your question?

0:30:27 > 0:30:28Who are you anyway?

0:30:28 > 0:30:31Shouldn't you be with the people from Guildford? I recognise you now.

0:30:31 > 0:30:34Thought I got a whiff of Napisan coming across.

0:30:35 > 0:30:38Yes, my friend's here.

0:30:38 > 0:30:42Yes, Miss Julie Walters. Star of Educating Rita, Typhoo One Cup.

0:30:45 > 0:30:48She does have to go and work with other people, obviously.

0:30:48 > 0:30:52But, you know, I hope that we'll always do something at some point.

0:30:52 > 0:30:55That's up to her though, you see. Cos she writes it.

0:30:55 > 0:30:57It's no wonder this place is empty.

0:30:57 > 0:30:58It came as one page.

0:30:58 > 0:31:00I saw it very clearly.

0:31:00 > 0:31:05I knew how far it had to be between the kitchen door and the table.

0:31:05 > 0:31:08I knew that was the nub of the gag.

0:31:08 > 0:31:12And on paper, it looked a very, very ordinary...

0:31:12 > 0:31:15funny, but ordinary... sketch.

0:31:15 > 0:31:18We thought, "Will it work?" It made us laugh cos it went on and on and on.

0:31:18 > 0:31:21That was the gist of the joke really.

0:31:21 > 0:31:25Then we did the tech run and the crew just...

0:31:27 > 0:31:28Well...

0:31:28 > 0:31:31If you watch very carefully, you can see me biting my lip.

0:31:31 > 0:31:34Just knew it was a very special sketch.

0:31:34 > 0:31:35It makes me laugh.

0:31:35 > 0:31:38I don't watch my sketches, but I watch that cos I'm not in that one.

0:31:38 > 0:31:40The classic soup line, you know.

0:31:40 > 0:31:41Two soups, please.

0:31:41 > 0:31:42Two soups is just...

0:31:42 > 0:31:44- Two soups.- That's two soups.

0:31:44 > 0:31:45Quite brilliant.

0:31:45 > 0:31:48And it does make me roar. I love watching it.

0:32:02 > 0:32:04Ready to order, sir?

0:32:05 > 0:32:06Madam?

0:32:06 > 0:32:07- Jane?- Er, yes.

0:32:07 > 0:32:10What's the soup of the day, please?

0:32:10 > 0:32:11I'll just go and find out.

0:32:20 > 0:32:22- What time's your train?- 25 to.

0:32:22 > 0:32:24Oh! Well, that's not too bad.

0:32:48 > 0:32:51Ready to order, sir?

0:32:51 > 0:32:54It came from two things. One, lunch with Julie in a hotel in Morecambe.

0:32:54 > 0:32:59There was a very ancient waitress, but nothing funny happened. She was just an ancient waitress.

0:32:59 > 0:33:03Then I was in another hotel and saw two people getting very agitated

0:33:03 > 0:33:07cos they couldn't get hold of the waitress and she didn't bring the thing they wanted.

0:33:07 > 0:33:10Those two things lodged in my head and turned into a sketch.

0:33:10 > 0:33:12We'll have two soups.

0:33:12 > 0:33:14Two soups.

0:33:23 > 0:33:25One...

0:33:27 > 0:33:28..soup.

0:33:30 > 0:33:31And...

0:33:33 > 0:33:34another...

0:33:36 > 0:33:37..soup.

0:33:37 > 0:33:40Along with, you know, the parrot sketch on Monty Python,

0:33:40 > 0:33:44what have you, Two Soups is a real comedy classic. I adore that.

0:34:11 > 0:34:12Two soups.

0:34:15 > 0:34:17I don't believe this.

0:34:17 > 0:34:18These are empty.

0:34:18 > 0:34:20Waitress!

0:34:22 > 0:34:24Oh, God preserve us!

0:34:24 > 0:34:25Look, we'll have to go.

0:34:30 > 0:34:34Oh, you must have been quite peckish.

0:34:35 > 0:34:39If ever I have soup... "Oh yeah! Will it be two?" "No! I just want one."

0:34:39 > 0:34:43When I was rehearsing Acorn Antiques, The Musical,

0:34:43 > 0:34:47I was at the counter of the cafeteria in the rehearsal room with Sir Trevor Nunn

0:34:47 > 0:34:51who blithely ordered two soups then everybody round him burst out laughing.

0:34:51 > 0:34:53He had no idea what they were laughing at.

0:34:54 > 0:34:56Hope you enjoyed your meal, sir.

0:34:59 > 0:35:01No tip.

0:35:01 > 0:35:02Bastards!

0:35:04 > 0:35:08I think Victoria is supremely good at sort of

0:35:08 > 0:35:12puncturing the pomposity of any characters that...

0:35:12 > 0:35:15Kitty, for instance, was a perfect example of that.

0:35:19 > 0:35:20This wasn't my idea.

0:35:20 > 0:35:21In fact, had it been up to me,

0:35:21 > 0:35:25I'd have been on me second cream sherry in Kidderminster by now.

0:35:25 > 0:35:27Pomposity must always be pricked.

0:35:27 > 0:35:29And she does that in lovely, lovely style.

0:35:31 > 0:35:33First day I met her she said...

0:35:35 > 0:35:37She said, "I'm a radical feminist lesbian."

0:35:37 > 0:35:39I thought, "What would the Queen Mum do?"

0:35:42 > 0:35:44Kitty was just so cleverly written.

0:35:44 > 0:35:49Cos on very many levels that was a good attack on women

0:35:49 > 0:35:53who are just a bit too full of their own air.

0:35:53 > 0:35:58And I think she's a genius when it comes to that kind of writing.

0:35:58 > 0:36:00How's this for a sentence?

0:36:00 > 0:36:03"I shall wait to see myself on TV before I do any more.

0:36:03 > 0:36:06Fortunately, I've just had my TV mended."

0:36:06 > 0:36:09Well, I say "mended". A shifty looking youth in plimsolls came

0:36:09 > 0:36:11and waggled me aerial and wolfed my Gypsy Creams.

0:36:11 > 0:36:13But that's the comprehensive system for you.

0:36:13 > 0:36:17Provincial snobbery and la-di-da snobbery.

0:36:17 > 0:36:21All the variations of that are things that she punctures relentlessly.

0:36:21 > 0:36:24So posh people tend to get a bit more of a drubbing,

0:36:24 > 0:36:25but they can take it.

0:36:25 > 0:36:27How do you like it in the country?

0:36:27 > 0:36:28- Very much.- Not too quiet?

0:36:28 > 0:36:31No. There's always something going on.

0:36:31 > 0:36:33See those big brown things outside the window.

0:36:33 > 0:36:35- Trees?- That's it.

0:36:35 > 0:36:38Round about April they all get sort of green sort of leafy things on.

0:36:38 > 0:36:42Then round about the end of October they all drop off. It's riveting.

0:36:42 > 0:36:46A lot of comedy nowadays and a lot of comedians are quiet aggressive,

0:36:46 > 0:36:49quite abrasive and Victoria isn't.

0:36:49 > 0:36:50She's observational.

0:36:50 > 0:36:53She can poke fun at things you do yourself,

0:36:53 > 0:36:56but you don't feel that she's being remotely cruel,

0:36:56 > 0:36:59even though a lot of what she does is quite barbed.

0:36:59 > 0:37:01It must be nice to be part of a community.

0:37:01 > 0:37:07Oh, it is. Everyone's so friendly. I cut my leg last month on a mantrap that someone had left out.

0:37:07 > 0:37:09It's a beautifully crafted piece of farm machinery.

0:37:09 > 0:37:12If you ever get the chance, pop your leg in one.

0:37:12 > 0:37:15I was just staggering along the road, bleeding fairly profusely,

0:37:15 > 0:37:19and a tractor came by. I called out, "Is this the way to the hospital?"

0:37:19 > 0:37:21He said, "No, the other direction." You know.

0:37:24 > 0:37:29I don't think Victoria has ever lost what she originally had as a writer.

0:37:29 > 0:37:34What she had done is develop, to the extent that it's sometimes hard to see back to the centre.

0:37:34 > 0:37:37There's this central palace of Victoria's talent

0:37:37 > 0:37:39and she keeps on adding more outbuildings.

0:37:39 > 0:37:42And so the whole complex gets harder to analyse.

0:37:42 > 0:37:46But holding it all together is the ear.

0:37:46 > 0:37:50She can hear everything. She can hear us now.

0:37:50 > 0:37:54I've been putting off this confrontation with you, Petrina, which is not like me.

0:37:54 > 0:37:59- Have you heard the expression "procrastination is the theft of time"?- Not really.

0:37:59 > 0:38:01No!

0:38:01 > 0:38:04This is you, Petrina. You're not cultured.

0:38:04 > 0:38:08I was humming Vivaldi before I had my first slingbacks.

0:38:08 > 0:38:11The thing about Vic's writing is...

0:38:11 > 0:38:15I'm sure she would be OK for me to say this.

0:38:15 > 0:38:18It's almost like music,

0:38:18 > 0:38:21and every note must be sung.

0:38:21 > 0:38:22Do you know Vivaldi?

0:38:22 > 0:38:23Ain't he the Four Seasons?

0:38:23 > 0:38:27Well, I prefer to think of them in the original,

0:38:27 > 0:38:29the Quattro Formaggi.

0:38:32 > 0:38:35It's as if she keeps flipping you

0:38:35 > 0:38:37from word to word and laugh to laugh.

0:38:37 > 0:38:41And I think that's part of the joy of it,

0:38:41 > 0:38:46because nowadays you get so little really good use of the English language.

0:38:46 > 0:38:48I don't like upsetting people.

0:38:48 > 0:38:52Like the woman who brought back the cerise batwing.

0:38:52 > 0:38:54I didn't like playing on her paranoia

0:38:54 > 0:38:57and taking advantage of her physical defects,

0:38:57 > 0:39:02but if someone has body odour that could strip pine, they should be told.

0:39:02 > 0:39:07It always seems to me that it's kind of incredibly well thought through.

0:39:07 > 0:39:09It's not that she's just gone, "Oh, that'll do.

0:39:09 > 0:39:14That custard cream will do." Or, you know, "That Garibaldi will do."

0:39:14 > 0:39:17It's got to be a Gypsy Cream or whatever it is.

0:39:17 > 0:39:19Only last night my husband said to me,

0:39:19 > 0:39:24"Sandra, where is the laughing fairy

0:39:24 > 0:39:28"that could crochet a crinoline, lady toilet-roll cover

0:39:28 > 0:39:30"whilst imitating Kiri Te Kanawa?"

0:39:32 > 0:39:35You're trying to deliver the best thing to the audience,

0:39:35 > 0:39:38so why would you not try as hard as you can?

0:39:38 > 0:39:41Why would you not sit and chew your pencil

0:39:41 > 0:39:43and look out at your bird feeder and think,

0:39:43 > 0:39:46"What is the very w...? What is the word? There is a word?

0:39:46 > 0:39:49One word will be funny. One word won't be funny. "

0:39:49 > 0:39:50And that's what I'll do

0:39:50 > 0:39:54to try and make it good for people who have paid their licence fee

0:39:54 > 0:39:55or paid to sit in the theatre

0:39:55 > 0:39:59or paid to come and watch me tell a joke. I want it to be right.

0:39:59 > 0:40:02Oh! I think of myself at your age.

0:40:02 > 0:40:04I was a sponge for culture.

0:40:04 > 0:40:08Folk dancing one minute, fingering a Henry Moore the next.

0:40:08 > 0:40:12Your whole attitude is a baffler, Petrina.

0:40:12 > 0:40:14Though why anyone would want to buy an angora roll neck

0:40:14 > 0:40:18from someone whose nipples aren't even level, I don't know!

0:40:19 > 0:40:23Some words are funny and some words aren't funny, and some words,

0:40:23 > 0:40:26like "custard cream", have been devalued over the years.

0:40:26 > 0:40:29I blame myself for that, cos I think it was me

0:40:29 > 0:40:32that first landed on custard cream as being a hilarious biscuit name.

0:40:32 > 0:40:36But my other wish is that I don't fall into biscuit territory

0:40:36 > 0:40:41and I don't fall into just making jokes about custard creams and Vimto and Horlicks.

0:40:41 > 0:40:45I'm always trying to change what I do and make it different.

0:40:45 > 0:40:47Hello, Mrs O. How's widowhood treating you?

0:40:47 > 0:40:48One mustn't grumble.

0:40:48 > 0:40:53I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill.

0:40:53 > 0:40:54Still the same Mrs O!

0:40:54 > 0:40:58I was doing Pirates Of Penzance in Manchester

0:40:58 > 0:41:01and we used to obsessively go home after the show

0:41:01 > 0:41:03and watch the series on video.

0:41:03 > 0:41:07And we then had a competition to see who could get in a line from one of the sketches,

0:41:07 > 0:41:11that we used to repeat all the time, into the show on stage.

0:41:11 > 0:41:14And I actually won the competition

0:41:14 > 0:41:19when I finished the Pirates Of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan by saying,

0:41:19 > 0:41:24"I think it's time for tonic wine and spongy fingers, and a delicious homemade bhaji."

0:41:24 > 0:41:28This calls for some tonic wine and a spongy finger.

0:41:28 > 0:41:31Yes, Mrs O. I should jolly well think it does.

0:41:31 > 0:41:34Spongy fingers are funny. How did she know that?

0:41:40 > 0:41:43- I thought Acorn Antiques was hilarious.- I love it.

0:41:43 > 0:41:45It was so Crossroads, weren't it?

0:41:45 > 0:41:47I love it so much.

0:41:48 > 0:41:52Yes, that's much better.

0:41:53 > 0:41:54Never fails to make me smile.

0:41:54 > 0:41:56See? I smile talking about it.

0:41:56 > 0:41:59Ooh, that sounds like the postman.

0:41:59 > 0:42:01That looks like an important letter.

0:42:04 > 0:42:07What you see is...take six. I don't think they managed a proper take.

0:42:07 > 0:42:09Here we are then.

0:42:09 > 0:42:12Well, it is quite...

0:42:12 > 0:42:15When I think about it, I think of really great lines like,

0:42:15 > 0:42:18"Oh, Mrs Overall, I could smell your onion bhajis a mile off."

0:42:29 > 0:42:33I used to show everything to my husband then and I showed him that

0:42:33 > 0:42:36and he said, "That's the only thing I don't quite get."

0:42:36 > 0:42:38I said, "Trust me. I know this will work."

0:42:38 > 0:42:41Hello, Mrs O. I thought I'd bring my own coffee cup down today.

0:42:41 > 0:42:44You know, it still tastes a little bit odd.

0:42:44 > 0:42:46What sort of a little bit odd?

0:42:46 > 0:42:49Oh, I don't know. Almost as if someone was trying to kill me.

0:42:49 > 0:42:54Oh! Babby, you are an old silly billy.

0:42:54 > 0:42:59- Get back!- Well, you see, I am the majority shareholder in Acorn Antiques since Berta's amnesia.

0:42:59 > 0:43:02If I were to die, that would certainly suit Cousin Jerez.

0:43:02 > 0:43:05I was in a soap opera in Scotland many years ago

0:43:05 > 0:43:08called Take The High Road and so the whole wobbly set thing...

0:43:08 > 0:43:10I've been there.

0:43:10 > 0:43:13Whatever was that terrible bang?

0:43:13 > 0:43:15Cousin Jerez slamming the door.

0:43:15 > 0:43:18The Spaniards may have enormous onions,

0:43:18 > 0:43:20but their manners leave a lot to be desired.

0:43:20 > 0:43:27I was asked to play this really naff actress in a really ghastly soap.

0:43:27 > 0:43:28And I thought,

0:43:28 > 0:43:31"I think this is what she thinks I really am...

0:43:31 > 0:43:34"some terrible sort of rep actress who's hopeless."

0:43:34 > 0:43:39No! I mean, Celia... That is a brilliant performance,

0:43:39 > 0:43:43and it's because she plays it so straight that it is funny.

0:43:43 > 0:43:45Babs and Miss Berta, could I have a word?

0:43:45 > 0:43:52Well, if it's to ask me for another job for my untrustworthy cousin, Jerez, then the answer's no.

0:43:52 > 0:43:56This last little escapade cost me £32,

0:43:56 > 0:44:01not to mention apologising to every Asian grocer between here and Manchester.

0:44:01 > 0:44:02No, it's not that.

0:44:02 > 0:44:08A lot of the sublime comedy in Acorn Antiques depends on the way it's shot.

0:44:08 > 0:44:13The camera angles have to be exactly right if you're trying to prove that they're wrong, for example.

0:44:13 > 0:44:16Everything is mistimed and that takes timing.

0:44:18 > 0:44:22Well, I know Miss Babs. Is she getting a bit fractious?

0:44:22 > 0:44:26I promised I'd pop up and read them a bit of Simone de Beauvoir.

0:44:26 > 0:44:28Yes, do clear away, Mrs O.

0:44:28 > 0:44:31In fact, you may as well clear away the whole darn shop.

0:44:31 > 0:44:35I do remember the cameramen thinking the sketch show

0:44:35 > 0:44:37was really polished and good,

0:44:37 > 0:44:41but what's suddenly happened now when they're all going wrong?

0:44:41 > 0:44:45My life seems completely grey, bleak and pointless.

0:44:45 > 0:44:50Well, yes, sometimes that's God's way of getting you to enjoy Gardeners' World.

0:44:57 > 0:44:59We never did it in front of the audience because

0:44:59 > 0:45:03when a person stands up, the natural tendency of a cameraman

0:45:03 > 0:45:08is to go up with the person, and you can't stop them doing it.

0:45:08 > 0:45:10It's just automatic.

0:45:10 > 0:45:12Who's the sole beneficiary now?

0:45:12 > 0:45:15That's the problem.

0:45:15 > 0:45:18We met in the blackout in 1943.

0:45:18 > 0:45:21There was a young stage designer, who I remember,

0:45:21 > 0:45:23just as we were about to start,

0:45:23 > 0:45:26ran through the shop and stopped the psych that was...

0:45:26 > 0:45:28The whole street was going...

0:45:28 > 0:45:31Gently actually. You know, moving.

0:45:31 > 0:45:35And she didn't understand that that was supposed to happen.

0:45:35 > 0:45:38Which is very darling. But what do you say?

0:45:38 > 0:45:41How do you say in the English,

0:45:41 > 0:45:43"to marry you"?

0:45:43 > 0:45:47Well, that's not quite the correct jargon, but I do get your drift.

0:45:47 > 0:45:49I'm sorry, Jerez, it's not possible.

0:45:49 > 0:45:50Oh! Agh!

0:45:54 > 0:45:57What are you saying to me?

0:45:57 > 0:46:02Once they realised what it was, people just went mad about it.

0:46:02 > 0:46:05Oh, Mrs O! Can't you see we're busy?

0:46:05 > 0:46:07But this is important.

0:46:07 > 0:46:09This is important.

0:46:09 > 0:46:12Yes. "THIS is important." I said that, didn't I?"

0:46:12 > 0:46:15People loved it and loads of letters...

0:46:15 > 0:46:20Yeah, and someone said there was a Mrs Overall fan club and things like that.

0:46:20 > 0:46:21I think mainly gay men.

0:46:21 > 0:46:24I'm grey now, Mr Clifford,

0:46:24 > 0:46:26very grey indeed.

0:46:28 > 0:46:32Right up until 1947, my hair was red,

0:46:32 > 0:46:35as red as a London bus.

0:46:37 > 0:46:41I wasn't aware that it was being played in gay clubs and things like that.

0:46:41 > 0:46:46I didn't really twig that at all, cos I didn't go to gay men's clubs then,

0:46:46 > 0:46:48or now actually.

0:46:48 > 0:46:52I went to Heaven, which was the most extraordinary experience,

0:46:52 > 0:46:55and Mrs Overall was playing in massive...

0:46:55 > 0:46:57Sort of projected on to the wall.

0:47:00 > 0:47:02She's choking on her own macaroon!

0:47:02 > 0:47:04Get the family doctor!

0:47:07 > 0:47:11I didn't like to bother Mr Kenneth. He was having his breakfast.

0:47:11 > 0:47:14What was it, muesli?

0:47:14 > 0:47:15'Twas it muesli?

0:47:15 > 0:47:19You absolutely believed that this woman in her mid-30s,

0:47:19 > 0:47:23as she must have been then, was that old woman.

0:47:23 > 0:47:26The lumpy tights and...

0:47:27 > 0:47:33There's an episode where she started up a health and sauna thing.

0:47:35 > 0:47:37Enjoy your swim.

0:47:37 > 0:47:41Just leave your antiques in the cubicle. They'll be perfectly safe.

0:47:41 > 0:47:43Crossroads had decided it had a leisure centre.

0:47:43 > 0:47:47It was a motel, but suddenly it had a leisure centre and a lake.

0:47:47 > 0:47:51Whenever Crossroads went into some mad fantasy world, I'd do it in Acorn Antiques.

0:47:51 > 0:47:55- Berta! Feel better for your run? - I certainly do! Running does keep you fit and could be

0:47:55 > 0:47:59a considerable contributory factor in reducing heart disease.

0:47:59 > 0:48:01Oh, the leotard, yeah.

0:48:01 > 0:48:03That was a time when people did laugh.

0:48:03 > 0:48:08Vic and I said... She said, "Don't let them see it until you go in."

0:48:08 > 0:48:10Because it was awful

0:48:10 > 0:48:13and it was a terrible sagging gusset and a sweatband.

0:48:13 > 0:48:17We knew, because we'd seen in the wardrobe

0:48:17 > 0:48:20that Julie was going to wear a lime-green leotard.

0:48:20 > 0:48:22It's fine if you see it hanging up.

0:48:22 > 0:48:27It's not fine if Julie then suddenly stumbles on to the set

0:48:27 > 0:48:32with her, you know, tights bulging with varicose veins.

0:48:32 > 0:48:36It was the concertina in the crotch area

0:48:36 > 0:48:39that still makes me laugh to this day.

0:48:41 > 0:48:42Here we are.

0:48:42 > 0:48:46A nice tray of decaffeinated coffee,

0:48:46 > 0:48:48low-fat milk and sugar-free sugar.

0:48:48 > 0:48:49Goodness, how healthy.

0:48:49 > 0:48:51Oh, I enjoyed myself.

0:48:51 > 0:48:52How was the aerobics class?

0:48:52 > 0:48:54Oh, I enjoyed myself.

0:48:54 > 0:48:57And of course the fatal thing was that Victoria, Duncan and I

0:48:57 > 0:49:02were sitting altogether on a two-seater sofa, which is fatal,

0:49:02 > 0:49:06because if one person went, you could feel the other person next door.

0:49:06 > 0:49:08We got into terrible trouble actually.

0:49:08 > 0:49:10It was like laughing in church.

0:49:12 > 0:49:15A supportive brassiere to prevent chaffing

0:49:15 > 0:49:19and plenty of individual attention from a qualified instructor.

0:49:19 > 0:49:20It sounds ideal.

0:49:20 > 0:49:24It was only the exercises I didn't take to.

0:49:24 > 0:49:28I can remember Geoff Posner shouting from the studio, "Tell them to stop laughing."

0:49:34 > 0:49:39How many people tune in every evening to hear that oh so familiar music?

0:49:39 > 0:49:41About 54.

0:49:41 > 0:49:45But what goes on behind the scenes? What don't the public see?

0:49:45 > 0:49:49It was a lovely vessel to be able to kind of bridge those two worlds.

0:49:49 > 0:49:53That brilliant subversion of having Julie play the actress playing Mrs Overall as well,

0:49:53 > 0:49:56and that's a whole other character, and that was lovely.

0:49:56 > 0:49:58The first time you've seen that kind of thing done.

0:49:58 > 0:50:01We're both rather gutsy ladies.

0:50:01 > 0:50:02Very determined.

0:50:02 > 0:50:04Strong moral sense.

0:50:04 > 0:50:08We've both had rather difficult lives.

0:50:08 > 0:50:10A certain amount of personal loss.

0:50:10 > 0:50:13And they're both very warm and very giving.

0:50:13 > 0:50:14Bless you for that, my darling.

0:50:14 > 0:50:20She's been this kind of arthritic, crazy, shaky lady making bhajis,

0:50:20 > 0:50:25now developed, in the behind the scenes one, into this goddess.

0:50:25 > 0:50:28So the famous lumpy tights and the varicose veins...

0:50:28 > 0:50:32that's just something that goes on with the make-up, is it?

0:50:33 > 0:50:34It's not boom, boom, kssh!

0:50:34 > 0:50:37There's lines that you just pass over and you're like, what?!

0:50:37 > 0:50:41- Turn to Derek. "That was the immigration authority, Derek."- Tssh.

0:50:41 > 0:50:43Are you going to do that? Because I'll leave a gap.

0:50:43 > 0:50:45No. It's my tooth again.

0:50:45 > 0:50:47"Are you going to do that? Cos I'll leave a gap."

0:50:47 > 0:50:49And all that kind of thing. It's fantastic.

0:50:49 > 0:50:52- Look at how the press treated poor Yorkie.- Fergie.- Fergie.

0:50:52 > 0:50:54Look what they did to poor Yorkie.

0:50:54 > 0:50:57And he goes, "Fergie," and she goes, "Fergie."

0:50:57 > 0:51:00Dear Paul, I'm a huge...

0:51:00 > 0:51:01Huge star.

0:51:01 > 0:51:07"I just said to him, 'I was wearing leather shorts before George Formby had a ukulele.'"

0:51:07 > 0:51:11Mrs Overall, we could smell your bhajis a mile away.

0:51:11 > 0:51:13And ultimately it breeds geekiness, you know.

0:51:13 > 0:51:16So many of things within those As Seen On TVs

0:51:16 > 0:51:19that were kind of forefathers of The Office

0:51:19 > 0:51:23and when she used to do those little mini-documentaries.

0:51:23 > 0:51:25May I ask what you're doing here?

0:51:25 > 0:51:28We've come about the test-tube babies and that.

0:51:28 > 0:51:29We want a test-tube baby.

0:51:29 > 0:51:31Why? Are there problems?

0:51:31 > 0:51:34We've only got a maisonette, so a little tiny test-tube one...

0:51:34 > 0:51:36They grow to a normal size.

0:51:36 > 0:51:38They're conceived in the test tube.

0:51:39 > 0:51:42We'll never both fit in.

0:51:42 > 0:51:45There's just something very different about the tone of it,

0:51:45 > 0:51:48but it was one of the first times it was...

0:51:48 > 0:51:51Well, before The Office she was doing that kind of fly on the wall,

0:51:51 > 0:51:56kind of following someone round, giving them enough rope to hang themselves with.

0:51:57 > 0:51:59'I've got everything else...

0:51:59 > 0:52:04'suede coat, two-speed hammer drill and all I need now is Mr Right.'

0:52:04 > 0:52:05I'm back.

0:52:05 > 0:52:06Pamela Twill is 47.

0:52:06 > 0:52:08She's never been married.

0:52:08 > 0:52:10She's never been engaged.

0:52:10 > 0:52:13She's never been to a bowling alley with anyone called Raymond.

0:52:13 > 0:52:17She pinched the attitude of the producers and the directors.

0:52:17 > 0:52:20They language they spoke in. They portentousness of documentary.

0:52:20 > 0:52:21"This is truth."

0:52:21 > 0:52:26I found Jesus in 1969 while out camping.

0:52:26 > 0:52:29I like to do evangelical work wherever possible,

0:52:29 > 0:52:32telephone-deodorising business permitting.

0:52:32 > 0:52:36Hello, would you like to be friends with Jesus at all?

0:52:36 > 0:52:38- Not really, thank you. - Thank you very much.

0:52:40 > 0:52:44I think that a lot of what of Victoria does,

0:52:44 > 0:52:49I mean, does have a sort of tinge of tragedy and sadness about it.

0:52:49 > 0:52:56But I think that's because actually very funny comedy is actually appalling sad at the same time.

0:52:56 > 0:52:58Two eggs and a bit of plain flour.

0:52:58 > 0:53:00Bit of comedy. Ooh, bit of tragedy.

0:53:00 > 0:53:05You just follow your instinct and follow your story and put your characters together

0:53:05 > 0:53:10and if they're rounded characters they're going to have at least two strands in them.

0:53:10 > 0:53:13- That's nice. - Yeah, it's nice, is that.

0:53:15 > 0:53:16Oh, that's nice.

0:53:16 > 0:53:18That's very nice.

0:53:20 > 0:53:22Now that is nice.

0:53:22 > 0:53:25Yes, it is nice that, you're right.

0:53:25 > 0:53:28There is pathos in it. The pathos of the passing of time.

0:53:28 > 0:53:31The pathos of the thwarting of achievement. It's all in here.

0:53:31 > 0:53:35She never forgets what she might have been

0:53:35 > 0:53:38if she had not been talented and that's the secret of great talent.

0:53:38 > 0:53:43I'm suppose I'm aware of the people who don't have chances in life.

0:53:43 > 0:53:47Who are stuck, maybe, in a situation.

0:53:47 > 0:53:52Those are the things that I always want to put into my work as well, as well as the comedy.

0:53:52 > 0:53:54Chrissy is 20.

0:53:54 > 0:53:57She's a champion long-distance swimmer.

0:53:57 > 0:54:00In three weeks' time, if the tides and the weather are right,

0:54:00 > 0:54:02Chrissy plans to swim the Channel.

0:54:02 > 0:54:07The Swim The Channel one is heartbreaking as well as being achingly funny.

0:54:07 > 0:54:11But it must have had an impact on what I was going to do later on.

0:54:11 > 0:54:14Where it's OK to be sad within.

0:54:14 > 0:54:17My coach is Mrs Hannigan.

0:54:17 > 0:54:18I don't know where Mr Hannigan's got to.

0:54:18 > 0:54:21Push with those hands! Push!

0:54:21 > 0:54:26She's good, cos when you get really tired and want to stop, she keeps you going.

0:54:28 > 0:54:31Completely unforgettable, you know, and hilarious.

0:54:31 > 0:54:35Hilarious and sad at the same time, that's hard to pull that off.

0:54:35 > 0:54:37- Night, Dad.- Night, dear.

0:54:37 > 0:54:40It's the night before your daughter swims the Channel. Any misgivings?

0:54:40 > 0:54:43I don't think so. Have we, Cliff?

0:54:43 > 0:54:45No. No, she's as strong as an ox.

0:54:45 > 0:54:48You'll be in the back-up boat, presumably?

0:54:48 > 0:54:51Well, no, actually Joan and I are popping down to London for the day.

0:54:51 > 0:54:53You know, sort of day out shopping.

0:54:53 > 0:54:56The girl swimming the Channel

0:54:56 > 0:54:57broke your heart.

0:54:57 > 0:54:59Are you worried about tomorrow?

0:54:59 > 0:55:03Well, I am in away because, er, I've never swum such a long way

0:55:03 > 0:55:07and some of it's in the dark and I don't really like the dark.

0:55:07 > 0:55:12And if I do get to French coast, I don't talk French very well, so...

0:55:12 > 0:55:15I don't do French. I do woodwork.

0:55:15 > 0:55:17But I know a few bits.

0:55:17 > 0:55:20"Bonjour" and "aujourd'hui".

0:55:20 > 0:55:22Do you think you'll make it?

0:55:22 > 0:55:26I don't know. I'll do double prayers tonight anyway.

0:55:29 > 0:55:33Well, I haven't seen it since it was on, but I do remember it is a bit sad.

0:55:33 > 0:55:35There's no support vessel, no officials, nobody.

0:55:35 > 0:55:39Chrissy's entirely alone. Are you still going to go, Chrissy?

0:55:39 > 0:55:40Yeah, I think so. I might as well.

0:55:40 > 0:55:46My friend, Maria, is in Kidderminster today so I haven't got anybody to play with anyway.

0:55:46 > 0:55:47What about food and drink?

0:55:47 > 0:55:50Well, I've got a sandwich box, so I'll think they'll stay dry,

0:55:50 > 0:55:53and I've got some little milkshakes in cartons.

0:55:53 > 0:55:55I think they'll be all right.

0:55:55 > 0:55:57I can put me duffle bag round me neck like this.

0:55:57 > 0:56:00Well, what about finding the French coast?

0:56:00 > 0:56:02I think I'll find it all right, thank you.

0:56:02 > 0:56:05I came fourth in geography. 81%.

0:56:05 > 0:56:08- What time is it?- Er, 7.55.

0:56:08 > 0:56:10Five to eight. Off I go then.

0:56:15 > 0:56:20That was eight days ago and Chrissy hasn't yet reached land.

0:56:20 > 0:56:22No-one seems to know where she is.

0:56:22 > 0:56:24And the sight of her swimming out to sea on her own,

0:56:24 > 0:56:27I think is really, really sad.

0:56:27 > 0:56:31What's sadder, I have to say, is the fact that we broke for lunch

0:56:31 > 0:56:34at that point and somebody was supposed to shout out to her,

0:56:34 > 0:56:36"Victoria, we've broken for lunch."

0:56:36 > 0:56:40And we all ran off to the catering wagon and I said, "Where's Vic?"

0:56:40 > 0:56:42And somebody said, "Oh, God!"

0:56:42 > 0:56:46Nobody said cut. I was in the dark, drifting downstream.

0:56:46 > 0:56:49And somebody went, "Oh, hang on. Cut!"

0:56:50 > 0:56:53Oh, I'm sure she'll turn up eventually.

0:56:53 > 0:56:54Slow but sure, that's our Chrissy.

0:56:54 > 0:56:59Yeah, she's probably just swimming about looking for a nice beach with ice creams and donkeys.

0:56:59 > 0:57:01You know how kids are.

0:57:01 > 0:57:06What I really admired about her in that was that she was prepared

0:57:06 > 0:57:10to look absolutely dreadful for the sake of comedy.

0:57:10 > 0:57:14And I think there are actually very few women that are prepared to do that.

0:57:14 > 0:57:17He said, "Do you wear a bikini?" I said, "Oh, come on."

0:57:19 > 0:57:23I said, "I didn't take my coat off on a beach till I was 37."

0:57:23 > 0:57:29I did feel very insecure about being fat. It really bothered so many people and it bothered me.

0:57:29 > 0:57:33- Can I help you?- I just wondered if you had these in a 14?

0:57:33 > 0:57:35You what?!

0:57:35 > 0:57:38This is a boutique, not the elephant house.

0:57:40 > 0:57:42Eh, Eileen! We've got another fatso in!

0:57:42 > 0:57:44You know, that was always my label.

0:57:44 > 0:57:47I was fat or plump or overweight.

0:57:47 > 0:57:50It was always mentioned in anything that was ever written about me,

0:57:50 > 0:57:52which I found very distressing.

0:57:52 > 0:57:57I felt ashamed of it, but I couldn't actually get to grips with doing anything about it.

0:57:57 > 0:57:59I don't really suit green.

0:57:59 > 0:58:03I shouldn't think you suit much, do you? A body like that.

0:58:03 > 0:58:06I was going to do a photo shoot with Julie when we did Wood And Walters

0:58:06 > 0:58:08and I remember being in the make-up room with Julie

0:58:08 > 0:58:11and the woman phoned up from the TV Times or whatever it was.

0:58:11 > 0:58:15And she was going to get some lovely clothes. She said, "What are your measurements?"

0:58:15 > 0:58:18So I gave my measurements and she said, "I'll call you back."

0:58:18 > 0:58:21And she put the phone down and about ten minutes later she phoned

0:58:21 > 0:58:23and said, "Oh, Victoria, do you wear kaftans?"

0:58:23 > 0:58:26And that was all she could think of, cos I was just not acceptable,

0:58:26 > 0:58:28cos I wasn't a size ten or 12.

0:58:28 > 0:58:33I didn't fit into anything that she could imagine me wearing. And so I was always being...

0:58:33 > 0:58:37I was treated terribly badly by costume people in those early days.

0:58:37 > 0:58:41# We congratulate you on losing weight

0:58:41 > 0:58:43# Don't get cocky, baby.

0:58:43 > 0:58:45# You're gonna be back next month

0:58:45 > 0:58:49# We'd say six days grace before you stuff your face

0:58:49 > 0:58:51# Don't get cocky, baby

0:58:51 > 0:58:53# You're gonna be back next month. #

0:58:55 > 0:58:57I used to sit as a teenager.

0:58:57 > 0:59:00I had a room with a telly and a piano in it and I just sat in there.

0:59:00 > 0:59:02And I was always imagining myself on a stage,

0:59:02 > 0:59:05but I didn't do that for anybody else. I just did that on my own.

0:59:07 > 0:59:11I think when you are shy there's something very attractive

0:59:11 > 0:59:15about putting yourself in a situation where you're comfortable

0:59:15 > 0:59:17and where you're in charge

0:59:17 > 0:59:20and where you're communicating with people.

0:59:20 > 0:59:24I think shy people often feel that they're not getting across.

0:59:24 > 0:59:25People aren't understanding them,

0:59:25 > 0:59:30cos they don't have the social graces to be able to hold a conversation easily.

0:59:30 > 0:59:33Whereas if you're a stand-up comic, you're completely in charge.

0:59:33 > 0:59:35You've thought of the things to say

0:59:35 > 0:59:38and people have got to sit down and listen to you.

0:59:38 > 0:59:41That's why there are so many social misfits who are now comedians.

0:59:41 > 0:59:43Cos it just works for us.

0:59:46 > 0:59:50Before I'd ever seen Victoria on television

0:59:50 > 0:59:54I bumped into her in the odd hotel with Rowan.

0:59:54 > 0:59:56And here would be this slightly...

0:59:56 > 1:00:00Two nervous Northerners circling each other

1:00:00 > 1:00:04and being vaguely polite and slightly socially dysfunctional.

1:00:04 > 1:00:09And then what's incredible is when you see Victoria out there

1:00:09 > 1:00:14with all this extraordinary confidence and variety and acting,

1:00:14 > 1:00:19and I'm so intrigued by the contrast between who she is in real life

1:00:19 > 1:00:21and then what she can do.

1:00:23 > 1:00:26One of the hardest jobs in this business

1:00:26 > 1:00:28is walking out on to a stage, on your own,

1:00:28 > 1:00:31and to hold an audience night after night

1:00:31 > 1:00:34for two, two and a half, three hours.

1:00:34 > 1:00:38That is the sign of an absolutely extraordinary professional.

1:00:38 > 1:00:41A comedian, you're trying to make people make a noise.

1:00:41 > 1:00:46You know, it's hard. You've got to provoke something in them that they want to go, "Ha ha ha!"

1:00:46 > 1:00:49I had quite a few years where I would just think,

1:00:49 > 1:00:51"They don't get it. I'm not doing it properly.

1:00:51 > 1:00:53"I'm boring. I'm really boring."

1:00:53 > 1:00:55And I found that upsetting.

1:00:57 > 1:01:00I started at the piano, just singing.

1:01:00 > 1:01:04And then I would talk a little bit between the songs and then...

1:01:04 > 1:01:07I stood up, but I would only stand up in the crook of the piano,

1:01:07 > 1:01:09cos that seemed like a protection.

1:01:09 > 1:01:14And then I went to a radio mike, but in my hand, so I had something to hold on to.

1:01:14 > 1:01:19And then, eventually, I ended up, not only with no piano, but with no visible mike.

1:01:19 > 1:01:22Just a radio mike in my hair with nothing.

1:01:22 > 1:01:25But it took me a long time to get that freedom.

1:01:25 > 1:01:27APPLAUSE

1:01:30 > 1:01:33If I knew what made a great stand-up I'd bottle it.

1:01:33 > 1:01:38She has great faith in her own ability.

1:01:38 > 1:01:42Tremendous confidence, which you have to have.

1:01:42 > 1:01:46You have to have when you're stood there doing gags.

1:01:46 > 1:01:49I've never been to casualty before, but I think, "It's all right.

1:01:49 > 1:01:50"I've seen ER on the television."

1:01:50 > 1:01:53I think as soon as I get there, they'll have me on a stretcher.

1:01:53 > 1:01:56They'll run at me. They'll be cutting up the sides of my trousers.

1:01:56 > 1:01:57Cos they do that in ER all the time.

1:01:57 > 1:02:01Even if someone's only looking for the antenatal clinic, "Oh, they're on me!"

1:02:01 > 1:02:05It's an extraordinary thing to see someone stand up there

1:02:05 > 1:02:08in front of all those people and do their stuff.

1:02:08 > 1:02:10It's absolutely terrifying, I imagine.

1:02:10 > 1:02:13I said, "Oh, I've got this really bad pain."

1:02:13 > 1:02:14"Where?" "Well, sort of here."

1:02:14 > 1:02:19She said, "Oh, abdominal. I'll put 'leg', I can't spell abdominal."

1:02:19 > 1:02:24Anyone that can go and sell out the Albert Hall for 15 nights in a row,

1:02:24 > 1:02:27that's gotta be something.

1:02:27 > 1:02:30And I'm next to this really, really mad, rough-looking woman

1:02:30 > 1:02:33with no teeth who's out of her head on something.

1:02:33 > 1:02:38And she keeps looking at me going, "Eh-eh, Pam Ayers! Eh-eh!"

1:02:38 > 1:02:41She still managed to kind of draw everyone in

1:02:41 > 1:02:45and give what I would consider to be kind of quite an intimate,

1:02:45 > 1:02:51sort of friendly performance, which I think is so hard to do in a massive barn like that.

1:02:51 > 1:02:56It is just energy. It's like a force field that you wrap round them and keep them with you.

1:02:56 > 1:02:59And that's why it's quite tiring to do.

1:02:59 > 1:03:03And she's knocking something back out of a bottle, something purple.

1:03:03 > 1:03:06I think probably meths. I'm guessing not Ribena Toothkind.

1:03:06 > 1:03:10I noticed that, when I was at the Albert Hall seeing her live,

1:03:10 > 1:03:14that her appeal went right across the board.

1:03:14 > 1:03:17Youngsters to grandmas.

1:03:17 > 1:03:20And if you've got that appeal, you are winning the battle.

1:03:20 > 1:03:25All comedians want to be liked and it's a way of making friends.

1:03:25 > 1:03:27You make friends that night.

1:03:27 > 1:03:33I mean, I think that's why so many comedians have an entourage because they need to carry on that feeling.

1:03:33 > 1:03:35When they come off stage, they need it to carry on

1:03:35 > 1:03:40and they need to have a drink or they need to take something that keeps that high going.

1:03:40 > 1:03:46It's a big high, but the minute the curtain's down, the lights are off, it's over. It's very sudden.

1:03:46 > 1:03:48You know, wah, they're laughing. Then they're not.

1:03:48 > 1:03:51Comedians often, they do suffer from that dark side.

1:03:51 > 1:03:54There's a melancholia, depression. We seem to split into two groups.

1:03:54 > 1:03:59A lot of comedians suffer from depression. And there's a very jolly bunch of comedians who play golf.

1:03:59 > 1:04:03I'm in the depression side myself, but I think that's better than golf.

1:04:03 > 1:04:07At least with depression you don't have to wear those terrible checked trousers.

1:04:07 > 1:04:12Because of how she comes across as such a lovely, warm person,

1:04:12 > 1:04:16she could pretty much say anything she likes.

1:04:16 > 1:04:22My favourite moment in a theatre ever was a Victoria Wood moment,

1:04:22 > 1:04:25when she talked about her dyslexic boyfriend

1:04:25 > 1:04:29who was very enthusiastic about her vinegar.

1:04:29 > 1:04:34And the fact that a third of the audience got it at first and laughed.

1:04:34 > 1:04:38And then about, literally, ten seconds later,

1:04:38 > 1:04:41another third got it and laughed.

1:04:41 > 1:04:45And the final third didn't like it. So they got it, but they went, "Ugh!"

1:04:45 > 1:04:50Like that. That was the most complicated laughter I've ever heard, I think, in a theatre.

1:04:50 > 1:04:52There's not many I'd say this about,

1:04:52 > 1:04:54I'll follow most of them.

1:04:54 > 1:04:58I'll get on and have a go, bang, and I know I can get in there.

1:04:58 > 1:05:01I wouldn't particularly want to follow her.

1:05:01 > 1:05:04She is one of the...

1:05:04 > 1:05:07You know. Most of the others, yeah. No problem.

1:05:07 > 1:05:09But VW, woo!

1:05:09 > 1:05:12I'll go on before, you dear, and warm them up.

1:05:13 > 1:05:16You know I've been thinking about giving it up.

1:05:16 > 1:05:18You know, being a stand-up comedian.

1:05:18 > 1:05:20I was thinking about stopping doing it.

1:05:20 > 1:05:22No!

1:05:22 > 1:05:24Not tonight. I'll wait till you've gone home.

1:05:24 > 1:05:27I enjoy it loads. Much more than I did.

1:05:27 > 1:05:31I was always so anxious about it.

1:05:31 > 1:05:32But now I'm not.

1:05:34 > 1:05:36I'd never written a sitcom,

1:05:36 > 1:05:40so that was one thing that I felt I ought to have a crack at,

1:05:40 > 1:05:43to see if I could, you know, work out how the form worked.

1:05:43 > 1:05:46Five's got a documentary.

1:05:46 > 1:05:50Frederick Delius, Syphilis-Ridden Genius.

1:05:50 > 1:05:52Oh, I might watch that. Oh, no, I can't. I'm working here, duh!

1:05:52 > 1:05:55- What's that? - Half past four, a documentary.

1:05:55 > 1:05:58Is it true about the syphilis Delius myth?

1:05:58 > 1:06:01Delia Smith's never got syphilis!

1:06:03 > 1:06:09How dare they? Don't tell me a woman with spotless tea towels would stoop to that kind of infection.

1:06:09 > 1:06:10I wanted to do a workplace comedy,

1:06:10 > 1:06:13cos I didn't want to do a domestic comedy. Cos I didn't like domestics.

1:06:13 > 1:06:16I don't like mother, father, grumpy teenage daughter.

1:06:16 > 1:06:18I don't like all those sitcoms.

1:06:18 > 1:06:20So it was going to be a workplace comedy.

1:06:20 > 1:06:22It was going to be a group of people

1:06:22 > 1:06:24that you only saw in their work setting.

1:06:24 > 1:06:27So everything to find out about them, you could only find out

1:06:27 > 1:06:30from what they said to each other in casual conversation.

1:06:30 > 1:06:34I really think you should be sensitive to a woman's hormonal ebb and flow.

1:06:36 > 1:06:38I am, believe me. Look, I'm not a dinosaur.

1:06:38 > 1:06:42I quite like women in a sad, baffled sort of way.

1:06:42 > 1:06:45But can we please get a grip. Out of a workforce of five,

1:06:45 > 1:06:48at any given moment, one will have premenstrual tension,

1:06:48 > 1:06:51one's panicking cos she's not, someone's having a hot flush

1:06:51 > 1:06:53and someone else is having a nervous breakdown

1:06:53 > 1:06:56cos their HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone.

1:06:56 > 1:06:58That was a one-off!

1:07:01 > 1:07:05You could tell instantly it was obviously a Victoria Wood script

1:07:05 > 1:07:07and she crams so much into her scripts.

1:07:07 > 1:07:10Every episode you could watch two or three times

1:07:10 > 1:07:13before you've realised everything's in it.

1:07:13 > 1:07:15You know, I had a story that went from week to week.

1:07:15 > 1:07:18And I had a lot of characters coming back and forth,

1:07:18 > 1:07:19and made it as complex as I could make it,

1:07:19 > 1:07:24cos I did want people to be able to watch it more than once and still get something from it.

1:07:24 > 1:07:27It looked like they were closing off the flyover. Could be dodgy.

1:07:27 > 1:07:30- Will that matter, no flyover? - Well, that's our main route in.

1:07:30 > 1:07:31Oh, no!

1:07:31 > 1:07:34One day, something went terribly wrong on the tubes or something.

1:07:34 > 1:07:37Every which way I tried to get in to the Oval,

1:07:37 > 1:07:41where we were rehearsing, I couldn't get there.

1:07:41 > 1:07:43And I really lost my temper.

1:07:43 > 1:07:47Stan, please, tell me what is happening with the traffic?

1:07:47 > 1:07:49Well, Phil Henderson used to be a traffic warden,

1:07:49 > 1:07:53but a mixture of non-stop verbal abuse and bunions made him rethink.

1:07:53 > 1:07:56- Now then...- That's enough!

1:07:56 > 1:07:57God Almighty!

1:07:57 > 1:08:00I rang her up, saying, "Vic, I can't get there."

1:08:00 > 1:08:03You know, this tirade down the telephone.

1:08:03 > 1:08:07Does every simple query have to come with a side order of spleens and bunions?

1:08:07 > 1:08:11I need to know what's happening with the traffic.

1:08:11 > 1:08:14Next week, I suddenly had this tirade to do for the millennium

1:08:14 > 1:08:17and I thought, "She's very clever."

1:08:17 > 1:08:20I don't need to know the life history of every blasted idiot

1:08:20 > 1:08:23who's ever worked in this stupid, godforsaken factory!

1:08:27 > 1:08:29It's one of my favourite bits.

1:08:29 > 1:08:33This is Maxine Peake, who's not done any acting at all, have you?

1:08:33 > 1:08:35Not even this afternoon you didn't do any.

1:08:35 > 1:08:38I knew that Cheers recorded their final dress rehearsal

1:08:38 > 1:08:42and then they would give notes and they would make changes

1:08:42 > 1:08:44before they did the final evening show.

1:08:44 > 1:08:47And I said to Geoff Posner I would really like to do this,

1:08:47 > 1:08:50because I think until you've done it once in front of an audience,

1:08:50 > 1:08:54you don't really know where the laughs come and where it sits and what you could improve.

1:08:54 > 1:08:56And he said, which was a very clever idea,

1:08:56 > 1:08:57he said, "Let's just do it twice."

1:08:57 > 1:09:02With Dinnerladies, we'd do a show on a Friday night, then we'd have rewrites.

1:09:02 > 1:09:03Rewrites galore on that.

1:09:06 > 1:09:08It was terribly hard work.

1:09:08 > 1:09:10She kept rewriting all the time.

1:09:10 > 1:09:13She'd stay up sometimes till four o'clock in the morning

1:09:13 > 1:09:16and she had two small children then.

1:09:17 > 1:09:19I said, "Did you sleep all right?"

1:09:19 > 1:09:21"No, no. I've been up all night rewriting."

1:09:21 > 1:09:23"Cor, another load of learning!"

1:09:23 > 1:09:25Saturday morning we'd be hoiked in.

1:09:25 > 1:09:29And they'd say, "Gather round for notes and rewrites."

1:09:29 > 1:09:32Thelma and I would look at each other and go, "Oh, God!"

1:09:32 > 1:09:34You just had to keep re-learning.

1:09:34 > 1:09:36And things would be cut and changed.

1:09:36 > 1:09:40Sometimes she would say in the morning, "Oh, that scene isn't working properly.

1:09:40 > 1:09:44"Someone bring me egg and chips and I'll write it again over lunch."

1:09:44 > 1:09:46Ten minutes later, it would come back. "How's that?"

1:09:46 > 1:09:51And it's there. And it's totally from left field.

1:09:51 > 1:09:54You know, something totally different.

1:09:54 > 1:10:00And it was always better than the one she'd written, but you had to learn it all over again!

1:10:00 > 1:10:02Oh, flip! This job is a nightmare.

1:10:02 > 1:10:05Julie and I both thought it was a bit like being on an ice rink.

1:10:05 > 1:10:06"Yeah, when you can't skate."

1:10:08 > 1:10:11I used to take all these things for my nerves,

1:10:11 > 1:10:13like sort of, herbal things, nothing terrible.

1:10:13 > 1:10:15Julie and I were behind the flats

1:10:15 > 1:10:17taking every sort of herbal remedy we could

1:10:17 > 1:10:19to try and keep ourselves together.

1:10:19 > 1:10:21We were all sniffing it before we went on.

1:10:21 > 1:10:23I saw a section of the audience could see us and I thought,

1:10:23 > 1:10:27"I bet they think we're at the amyl nitrate or something."

1:10:27 > 1:10:30God knows what they thought we were doing!

1:10:31 > 1:10:34I know. I know. It was really full on.

1:10:34 > 1:10:37It was really high pressure and some people did find that...

1:10:37 > 1:10:39I understand that that's nerve-racking,

1:10:39 > 1:10:42but we just wanted to make it as good as we could make it.

1:10:42 > 1:10:44I suppose it was quite pressurised,

1:10:44 > 1:10:47but everyone tries to be nice and calm,

1:10:47 > 1:10:50but the person with the most pressure was Victoria.

1:10:50 > 1:10:52What are you doing for Christmas again?

1:10:52 > 1:10:54I told you, I got these three Carry On films for £8.

1:10:54 > 1:10:58You don't get the boxes, there's a stripe down the side of the picture, but...

1:10:58 > 1:11:00Want to come to Scotland with me, Christmas Eve?

1:11:00 > 1:11:02Me mate's got a pub up there.

1:11:02 > 1:11:05We can drive up there after we've finished here.

1:11:05 > 1:11:06Do you want to do that?

1:11:06 > 1:11:08Yeah. Yeah, I would.

1:11:08 > 1:11:09I would like that.

1:11:09 > 1:11:13One of the main things was Victoria Wood and my kiss

1:11:13 > 1:11:16that we had as Tony and Bren.

1:11:16 > 1:11:21Apparently, that was the first time she'd done that sort of thing

1:11:21 > 1:11:22in public on television.

1:11:32 > 1:11:35I'm not asking you for some bet, Bren.

1:11:37 > 1:11:38I wouldn't do that to you.

1:11:39 > 1:11:43I always remember the rest of the cast peeping round the set, you know,

1:11:43 > 1:11:45going, "Ooh!"

1:11:45 > 1:11:47So embarrassing!

1:11:50 > 1:11:52I wasn't bothered about it really.

1:11:52 > 1:11:54It wasn't a big deal.

1:11:54 > 1:11:56It wasn't a big snog or anything.

1:11:56 > 1:12:00What was funny was when we did it, all the audience went, "Wooo!"

1:12:00 > 1:12:01and you can hear them.

1:12:04 > 1:12:07AUDIENCE: Wooo!

1:12:08 > 1:12:12There's only one thing I didn't like about Dinnerladies -

1:12:12 > 1:12:14I was never asked to be in it.

1:12:14 > 1:12:19I'd have given my right hand to have come on as a lorry driver,

1:12:19 > 1:12:21a bin man, anything to be in that.

1:12:21 > 1:12:25Dinnerladies really for me encapsulates

1:12:25 > 1:12:27everything that Victoria's best at.

1:12:27 > 1:12:29It's observational.

1:12:29 > 1:12:31It's character interplay.

1:12:31 > 1:12:32I tell you who's nice that I like.

1:12:32 > 1:12:35- Who's nice that you like, Bren? - Woody.- Allen?

1:12:35 > 1:12:37- Woodpecker?- Who's Alan Woodpecker?

1:12:40 > 1:12:43Great script, great cast.

1:12:43 > 1:12:45By Jove, you've cracked it.

1:12:45 > 1:12:48I couldn't see any of the cast in Dinnerladies

1:12:48 > 1:12:50playing any other part in that show.

1:12:50 > 1:12:51Whoops.

1:12:52 > 1:12:55I didn't realise I was popping in to hunk heaven.

1:12:57 > 1:13:01It's much better if you can write for specific comic people,

1:13:01 > 1:13:04because they take something and they run with it

1:13:04 > 1:13:06and you know what they're going to do with it.

1:13:06 > 1:13:08Has she told you what a terrible mother I am?

1:13:08 > 1:13:11I am terrible. Put her in an orphanage and lost the address.

1:13:11 > 1:13:13Yes.

1:13:15 > 1:13:17Oh, we laugh about it now.

1:13:19 > 1:13:21It was a great atmosphere.

1:13:21 > 1:13:24And because we knew each other, I understood, suddenly I understood,

1:13:24 > 1:13:27why people do work with each other again and again.

1:13:27 > 1:13:30I mean, I once was in a sketch that Vic had written

1:13:30 > 1:13:34and felt strangely uncomfortable about it,

1:13:34 > 1:13:38because I had a kind of confusion in my head

1:13:38 > 1:13:43of learning the lines and having Vic there directing it.

1:13:43 > 1:13:45And I thought, "This is all wrong.

1:13:45 > 1:13:48"This should be Susie Blake or Celia Imrie

1:13:48 > 1:13:51"or one of those really clever women!"

1:13:51 > 1:13:54- Is it Harold who's supposed to have a bit of a party piece?- Oh!

1:13:54 > 1:13:58All he does is struggle to force the theme tune from Cagney And Lacey out of his...

1:13:58 > 1:13:59Bottom?

1:14:02 > 1:14:05No. Out of his ocarina, I was trying to say.

1:14:06 > 1:14:11Bottom?! How could somebody get a tune out of their bottom?

1:14:12 > 1:14:14There speaks a woman who's never gone camping.

1:14:16 > 1:14:19On the negative side, when I see Duncan Preston in something else, I'm like...

1:14:19 > 1:14:22I thought I was gonna be a proper actor.

1:14:22 > 1:14:24You know, a classical...

1:14:24 > 1:14:28I was. You know, I did Stratford and things like that

1:14:28 > 1:14:31and I never thought for a minute I was any good at sketches,

1:14:31 > 1:14:33and I'm probably right.

1:14:34 > 1:14:38- Good morning, sir. - Is Mr Dickens at home?

1:14:38 > 1:14:41I think he's writing Dombey And Son, sir, but I'll go and see.

1:14:41 > 1:14:42Are you famous?

1:14:42 > 1:14:44My name is Wilde.

1:14:44 > 1:14:46Oscar Wilde?

1:14:46 > 1:14:49Well, I'm not bleedin' Marty Wilde, am I?

1:14:49 > 1:14:55She's responsible for about 86% of my income over the last 28 years.

1:14:55 > 1:14:57- Good morning.- Hi there.

1:14:57 > 1:14:59I'm Sally Cumbernauld. This is Martin Crosswaite.

1:14:59 > 1:15:01- How are you?- Oh, chipping in already!

1:15:01 > 1:15:03LAUGHTER

1:15:03 > 1:15:06I think because of how brilliant she is,

1:15:06 > 1:15:08she's always going to be the Koh-i-Noor

1:15:08 > 1:15:10in the centre of the other jewels.

1:15:10 > 1:15:15But they all just make her shine all the brighter.

1:15:15 > 1:15:20- Better get used to our ugly mugs, cos you're going to see a lot of us. - Oh, speak for yourself.

1:15:20 > 1:15:21No, I love him.

1:15:22 > 1:15:24There's a shorthand when you work with people

1:15:24 > 1:15:27and you know their working methods and you can just crack on.

1:15:27 > 1:15:29But then it's always really interesting and exciting

1:15:29 > 1:15:32to find new people and work with them and work in a different way.

1:15:32 > 1:15:34Otherwise, you get stuck in quite a cosy rut,

1:15:34 > 1:15:36where you've always got your old pals around you.

1:15:36 > 1:15:38I think that's not good creatively,

1:15:38 > 1:15:40which is why, the last few things I've done,

1:15:40 > 1:15:43I've ducked and dived with the people I've worked with.

1:15:43 > 1:15:46She's very clever. She gets good people around her.

1:15:46 > 1:15:49BOND-STYLE MUSIC

1:15:53 > 1:15:55Except me.

1:15:55 > 1:15:56That was one of her mistakes.

1:16:01 > 1:16:03Do you like Roger the Dodger?

1:16:03 > 1:16:05Or do you prefer Minnie the Minx?

1:16:05 > 1:16:08As actors, you may never have met before

1:16:08 > 1:16:10and you're suddenly thrust into a dressing room

1:16:10 > 1:16:13or into make-up chairs and you sit next to one another

1:16:13 > 1:16:15and you sort of make polite conversation.

1:16:20 > 1:16:22Sometimes I wish I were 15 years younger.

1:16:22 > 1:16:25And sometimes I wish I were ten years older.

1:16:25 > 1:16:27Then I could go to the flicks for two quid.

1:16:28 > 1:16:30She was very easy, very easy.

1:16:30 > 1:16:33I don't mean she was easy in the dressing room. No.

1:16:33 > 1:16:38I mean she was easy to talk to.

1:16:38 > 1:16:44Why don't you come and we'll while away a few of those 15 years.

1:16:46 > 1:16:47She looked fabulous!

1:16:47 > 1:16:50You thought, "Crumbs! How do you turn into Bren in Dinnerladies?"

1:16:53 > 1:16:56- Can I just warn you, Rog, I've got really complicated pants on.- I see.

1:17:00 > 1:17:03That's one thing I would not have predicted in my career

1:17:03 > 1:17:06that I would end up in a pod on the London Eye with Roger Moore.

1:17:06 > 1:17:07And he was so lovely.

1:17:07 > 1:17:11And he knew his words, which I didn't expect, cos often people...

1:17:11 > 1:17:13Film stars, they don't often bother to learn all...

1:17:13 > 1:17:16He knew the words completely bang on.

1:17:16 > 1:17:19And he was staring down out of the window,

1:17:19 > 1:17:21and there was a pod below us of children

1:17:21 > 1:17:25and he said, "If I wasn't in UNICEF, I would flash those children!"

1:17:26 > 1:17:28It was only a joke.

1:17:28 > 1:17:29Made me laugh anyway.

1:17:29 > 1:17:33She's the most generous and unselfish

1:17:33 > 1:17:36of performers and comediennes.

1:17:36 > 1:17:40She's given nothing but wonderful things to other people to do.

1:17:46 > 1:17:48- You OK, Laura?- I'm fine.

1:17:48 > 1:17:52I guess I still haven't got used to the smell of men's trousers.

1:17:52 > 1:17:55If you can't sort jumble, get out of the Women's Institute.

1:17:55 > 1:17:57You can watch people that write a comedy,

1:17:57 > 1:17:58they've got all the best lines,

1:17:58 > 1:18:01all the lines that make people scream with laughter.

1:18:01 > 1:18:02But she doesn't do that.

1:18:02 > 1:18:06If the line's going to suit the character that she's made,

1:18:06 > 1:18:07they do the line.

1:18:07 > 1:18:09And I admire her trem... She's unique in that respect.

1:18:09 > 1:18:121.55!

1:18:12 > 1:18:14It's ten off two now.

1:18:14 > 1:18:16We'll never get the jumble sorted!

1:18:16 > 1:18:18We're not going to make it!

1:18:19 > 1:18:23This is the WI. If you wanna panic, join the Townswomen's Guild.

1:18:23 > 1:18:25Not many people do that. Not many...

1:18:25 > 1:18:29Not many men who had their own TV show would do that.

1:18:29 > 1:18:31No men actually, probably.

1:18:31 > 1:18:34And I think that's, you know...

1:18:34 > 1:18:36That's a very, very unusual thing

1:18:36 > 1:18:39to be that magnanimous and that confident.

1:18:39 > 1:18:42I always try to be quite realistic and pragmatic.

1:18:42 > 1:18:44If there's something I think somebody else will do better,

1:18:44 > 1:18:46I would always give it to them.

1:18:46 > 1:18:47Well?

1:18:48 > 1:18:49Sorry?

1:18:51 > 1:18:54Thanks to your umbilical incompetence,

1:18:54 > 1:18:58I, "sexy yet vulnerable" and I'm quoting from Harpers here,

1:18:58 > 1:19:02I have been exposed on nationwide television

1:19:02 > 1:19:07as having some dubious connection with an overweight northern waitress

1:19:07 > 1:19:10with all the sophisticated allure of an airline salad.

1:19:10 > 1:19:15That is such a little work of genius, isn't it?

1:19:15 > 1:19:16And she gave it to me.

1:19:16 > 1:19:20I'm sorry, if I'd written it, nobody else would be doing it.

1:19:20 > 1:19:21I would be doing it.

1:19:21 > 1:19:23I mean, who needs eight Vietnamese babies

1:19:23 > 1:19:27when you can have a lumpy, old, short-order waitress for one week only?

1:19:27 > 1:19:29Oh, no!

1:19:29 > 1:19:31Milk it for all it's worth this week,

1:19:31 > 1:19:33then I'll go home and she can take a flying...

1:19:33 > 1:19:35Yes, quite.

1:19:35 > 1:19:36At a deep-fat fryer!

1:19:38 > 1:19:40Oh, she's horrendous.

1:19:41 > 1:19:44The perm, the funny voice...

1:19:44 > 1:19:46It's real Tracey Ullman time.

1:19:48 > 1:19:50Yes? I'm talking!

1:19:52 > 1:19:57I think it's hard when you're known for being a comedian

1:19:57 > 1:19:59or your world has been comedy,

1:19:59 > 1:20:04to try and make the leap from that to serious acting.

1:20:04 > 1:20:07And I think Victoria's done that absolutely brilliantly.

1:20:08 > 1:20:11I keep waking up and crying,

1:20:11 > 1:20:14but that's manageable. But...

1:20:14 > 1:20:17Yesterday I went to the...

1:20:19 > 1:20:22To where we used to live and the key wouldn't fit

1:20:22 > 1:20:24and I was just standing in the street.

1:20:24 > 1:20:27And I thought, "Why won't the key fit?"

1:20:27 > 1:20:31And that did bother me, cos I thought, "What if I'm ill again?"

1:20:31 > 1:20:33Should you not go back to Dr Brierley?

1:20:33 > 1:20:36- He was pretty good last time, wasn't he?- I daren't get the doctor, Cliff.

1:20:36 > 1:20:41You know how Daddy can get when he thinks he's going to be expensive and...

1:20:44 > 1:20:47Anyway, I'm fine.

1:20:47 > 1:20:50And the BAFTA goes to...

1:20:50 > 1:20:52Victoria Wood for Housewife, 49.

1:20:52 > 1:20:54APPLAUSE

1:20:54 > 1:20:56APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

1:20:56 > 1:21:00I won a BAFTA for wearing a wig, I think, probably.

1:21:00 > 1:21:03It's really upsetting actually that she can do all of these things

1:21:03 > 1:21:07and write hit West-End musicals and appear in serious dramas.

1:21:07 > 1:21:09And, you know, she's loathsome.

1:21:09 > 1:21:11It's just really got on my nerves.

1:21:11 > 1:21:14And I'm still quoting her every day of my life probably.

1:21:14 > 1:21:16PIANO INTRO

1:21:16 > 1:21:20I would be deliriously happy just to be able to play the piano

1:21:20 > 1:21:21as well as she does.

1:21:21 > 1:21:23Nobody talks about that.

1:21:23 > 1:21:27This is just accepted, the fact, "Oh, Vic plays the piano and sings."

1:21:27 > 1:21:29# Comedians are tough and hard

1:21:29 > 1:21:31# We've all been hurt We've all been scarred

1:21:31 > 1:21:34# We all do ads for Barclaycard I'm feeling in the mood tonight

1:21:34 > 1:21:38# Before the show we gather round In every theatre, every town

1:21:38 > 1:21:40# Sooty, put that toothpaste down I'm feeling in the mood tonight... #

1:21:40 > 1:21:43I learnt to play piano when I was about seven.

1:21:43 > 1:21:46My father wrote the names of the notes

1:21:46 > 1:21:49on the keys of the piano in pencil

1:21:49 > 1:21:52and then he wrote the names of the notes on a piece of music,

1:21:52 > 1:21:55Polly Wolly Doodle, and then he left the room. And that was it.

1:21:55 > 1:21:57That was him teaching me to play the piano.

1:21:57 > 1:22:00But that was enough for me to work it out for myself.

1:22:00 > 1:22:02And then I was obsessed with playing the piano.

1:22:02 > 1:22:04I played it all the time.

1:22:04 > 1:22:06Then I was given piano lessons when I was about eight

1:22:06 > 1:22:07and I was so nervous.

1:22:07 > 1:22:11I couldn't deal with being in the same room with this man and I used to sweat.

1:22:11 > 1:22:13My hands would slide off the keys. I stopped going.

1:22:13 > 1:22:15So then I would only play in secret.

1:22:15 > 1:22:17I thought, "Well, I'm not having piano lessons,

1:22:17 > 1:22:20"I shouldn't be playing the piano. That would be naughty."

1:22:20 > 1:22:22So I only played the piano when my parents went out of the house.

1:22:22 > 1:22:25Then when the headlights would sweep up the drive,

1:22:25 > 1:22:26I would get off the piano and run away.

1:22:26 > 1:22:29So they didn't know that I played for years.

1:22:32 > 1:22:35I was told, age 20, that a song is two minutes, ten seconds,

1:22:35 > 1:22:38and for years, no matter what I thought I was writing,

1:22:38 > 1:22:40it always came out at two minutes, ten seconds.

1:22:41 > 1:22:44I realised, not very long ago, that they actually could be longer.

1:22:48 > 1:22:51# We're listening for the sleigh bells

1:22:51 > 1:22:53# We're looking for the sleigh

1:22:53 > 1:22:58# We hope this special person comes In time for Christmas Day... #

1:22:58 > 1:23:02# Let's join in the magic of Christmas make-believe

1:23:02 > 1:23:07# Who do we all want to see on Christmas Eve?

1:23:07 > 1:23:08# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:08 > 1:23:10# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:10 > 1:23:12# That's who we want to see We agree... #

1:23:12 > 1:23:14Her songs have a lot of depth.

1:23:14 > 1:23:17You know, they are very funny,

1:23:17 > 1:23:19but they're also very, very clever, musically,

1:23:19 > 1:23:22and there's other stuff to them.

1:23:22 > 1:23:23# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:23 > 1:23:25# Ann Widdecombe

1:23:25 > 1:23:27# I like the suits I wear

1:23:27 > 1:23:28# Unsquashable

1:23:28 > 1:23:30# But washable

1:23:30 > 1:23:33# I can't relax!

1:23:33 > 1:23:35# Can't relax!

1:23:35 > 1:23:36# When in slacks

1:23:36 > 1:23:37# Or panda pants! #

1:23:37 > 1:23:39And it's only really in the last few years,

1:23:39 > 1:23:41as I've worked with other musical people,

1:23:41 > 1:23:46that I've got some more sense of what I do is worth doing.

1:23:46 > 1:23:50That these songs are worth writing and that they OK, the songs are OK.

1:23:50 > 1:23:52PIANO INTRO

1:23:52 > 1:23:54The Ballad of Barry and Freda.

1:23:55 > 1:23:57That's just genius.

1:23:58 > 1:24:01It's absolutely sublime. It's spot on.

1:24:02 > 1:24:06# Freda and Barry sat one night

1:24:06 > 1:24:09# The sky was clear The stars were bright

1:24:09 > 1:24:11# The wind was soft

1:24:11 > 1:24:13# The moon was up

1:24:13 > 1:24:16# Freda drained her cocoa cup

1:24:17 > 1:24:19# She licked her lips

1:24:19 > 1:24:21# She felt sublime

1:24:21 > 1:24:24# She switched off Gardeners' Question Time

1:24:24 > 1:24:28# Barry cringed in fear and dread

1:24:28 > 1:24:33# As Freda grabbed his tie and said,

1:24:33 > 1:24:35# "Let's do it, let's do it

1:24:35 > 1:24:37# "Do it while the mood is right

1:24:37 > 1:24:40# "I'm feelin' appealin'

1:24:40 > 1:24:41# "I've really got an appetite

1:24:41 > 1:24:43# "I'm on fire with desire

1:24:43 > 1:24:46# "I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir

1:24:46 > 1:24:49# "Let's do it. Let's do it tonight!" #

1:24:49 > 1:24:52She could have said, "I could handle all the tenors," but she didn't.

1:24:52 > 1:24:55She just said half of them, which is brilliant.

1:24:55 > 1:24:56# "Go native

1:24:56 > 1:24:59# "Creative living in the living room

1:24:59 > 1:25:01# "This folly is jolly

1:25:01 > 1:25:03# "Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley

1:25:03 > 1:25:05# Let's do it Let's do it tonight! #

1:25:05 > 1:25:08"Bend me over backwards on the hostess trolley."

1:25:08 > 1:25:10Oh, I had visions of that and just roared laughing.

1:25:10 > 1:25:12There is a theme of trolleys in her work.

1:25:12 > 1:25:14# "I'm older, feel colder

1:25:14 > 1:25:17# "It's other things that turn me on

1:25:17 > 1:25:18# "I'm imploring. I'm boring.

1:25:18 > 1:25:21# "Let me read this catalogue of vinyl flooring

1:25:21 > 1:25:24# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight!" #

1:25:24 > 1:25:26Most of us have been there at one point or another.

1:25:26 > 1:25:30"Oh, no. Not now. Not tonight, Josephine."

1:25:30 > 1:25:32# "Don't angle for me to dangle

1:25:32 > 1:25:34# "Me arms have never been that strong

1:25:34 > 1:25:37# "Stop pouting Stop shouting

1:25:37 > 1:25:39# "You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting

1:25:39 > 1:25:42# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight! #

1:25:42 > 1:25:43It goes on...

1:25:43 > 1:25:44And it's a long song.

1:25:44 > 1:25:45And on...

1:25:45 > 1:25:48Constantly - "Let's do it!" and then the key change.

1:25:48 > 1:25:49# Dah dah dah dah! #

1:25:49 > 1:25:52And you have all these different key changes.

1:25:52 > 1:25:54# "Stop nagging I'm flagging

1:25:54 > 1:25:57# You know as well as I do That the pipes need lagging

1:25:57 > 1:26:00# "I can't do it I can't do it tonight!" #

1:26:00 > 1:26:03It's probably 20 years since I wrote it. My voice has got much lower.

1:26:03 > 1:26:05I can only play it in the keys I used to play it in.

1:26:05 > 1:26:08I can't sing it. I look really silly!

1:26:08 > 1:26:10# "You want to grab your man with lust

1:26:10 > 1:26:12"No cautions, just contortions

1:26:12 > 1:26:15# "Smear an avocado on me lower portions... #

1:26:15 > 1:26:19- It's a hard song to perform, but bloody hell, it's good. - It's a work of genius.

1:26:19 > 1:26:23# "Let's do it, let's do it I really want to rant and rave

1:26:23 > 1:26:27# "Let's go, cos I know Just how I want you to behave

1:26:27 > 1:26:30# Not meekly, not bleakly

1:26:30 > 1:26:32# Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly

1:26:32 > 1:26:42# Let's do it Let's do it tonight! #

1:26:42 > 1:26:45APPLAUSE

1:26:49 > 1:26:51Just even talking about it,

1:26:51 > 1:26:55I've been feeling low down, depressed or whatever,

1:26:55 > 1:26:59bung one of her sketches up or even think about it

1:26:59 > 1:27:02and it chuckles you up for the day.

1:27:02 > 1:27:06May she keep on making me laugh. It's wonderful. Thank you, Victoria.

1:27:06 > 1:27:10It's a cliche to say that Victoria's the sort of person

1:27:10 > 1:27:13you'd like to spend an evening in the pub with, but you would.

1:27:14 > 1:27:16And will you continue to handle my potatoes?

1:27:16 > 1:27:18Of course.

1:27:20 > 1:27:23I have learnt, with Vic, to stop wasting my time

1:27:23 > 1:27:28wishing I could emulate her and to just enjoy admiring her.

1:27:28 > 1:27:32Massive talent, basically, is the secret of her longevity.

1:27:32 > 1:27:38I feel very lucky to be able to think of her as a darling friend.

1:27:38 > 1:27:41Thank you very much. Thank you. Ooh!

1:27:41 > 1:27:42Sorry.

1:27:43 > 1:27:48Just the very fact that Victoria Wood knows I exist

1:27:48 > 1:27:50is enough to make me die happy.

1:27:50 > 1:27:54She will loom large in the history of television and stage comedy

1:27:54 > 1:27:56and writing generally.

1:27:56 > 1:28:00I look back, I feel really fortunate that I managed to get from

1:28:00 > 1:28:03dying the death in a folk club to playing the Albert Hall.

1:28:03 > 1:28:06And I'm proud that I can still go on television now,

1:28:06 > 1:28:09you know, that I've managed to keep a career going

1:28:09 > 1:28:11along all those years.

1:28:11 > 1:28:13And I'm really happy about that.

1:28:13 > 1:28:14I wouldn't change any of that.

1:28:28 > 1:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:28:32 > 1:28:37E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk