0:00:02 > 0:00:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:15 > 0:00:20Well, I'd just like to say it's so lovely to be on the television at Christmas.
0:00:20 > 0:00:21It's such a special time of year.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24And I like to think of all those ladies standing in kitchens,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27wearing the paper hats they put on when they were still in a good mood.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30LAUGHTER
0:00:33 > 0:00:36I like to think of all those gentlemen in their front rooms,
0:00:36 > 0:00:42- edging their bottoms casually towards a plug-in air freshener... - LAUGHTER
0:00:47 > 0:00:51..hoping that cinnamon and vanilla will get to grips with sprouts and stuffing.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57It's such a special time of year when we can all gather round the television, exchanging
0:00:57 > 0:01:01that age-old Christmas greeting, "Don't bother, there's nothing on."
0:01:03 > 0:01:06But please spare a thought for middle-aged people because
0:01:06 > 0:01:10they can feel excluded from television at this time of year.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13They're sitting on their sofas somewhere, all those Barrys and Fredas,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17they've had their Christmas dinner, they've exchanged presents.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21He's given her an Alan Titchmarsh beanbag lap tray...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27She's given him a solar-powered biscuit dunker.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Evening stretches drearily ahead.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36But wait, there is something on the television for them.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41It's my present to Barrys and Fredas and middle-aged people everywhere.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It is My Mid Life Christmas.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:58 > 0:02:01When I remember my childhood, it's always in sunlight.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07We were poor, but we were contented.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14And, although we knew grief,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16there were always joyous times.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20A JIG PLAYS
0:02:27 > 0:02:30You won't find us on the map now.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The cottages are long gone.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Where they stood is the loading bay of River Island.
0:02:38 > 0:02:44But I shall never forget that cluster of tumbledown houses next to our field with our old grey donkey
0:02:44 > 0:02:48where, every spring, the larks would rise,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50rise up and hover in the blue sky.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55What was the name of this lark-filled place?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59We just knew it as...
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Donkeyfield.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It will be busy, market day in Cranchesterford.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07No larks in the sky there.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10No, just in pastry.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23That was Ma and Pa's cottage.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28And that's me, Arrowminty, the day my life changed forever.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35No, Mother. Arrowminty is to stay under this roof.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39She's to take no job at Cranchesterford Post and Potato Office.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42And let that be the last pickle in the crock.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43Do you want her to live as we have?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Every stick of furniture sold for boots and not a right foot amongst them.
0:03:46 > 0:03:52Do you want to break her heart as your father broke yours?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Arrr!- You told me how he would not let you work the land,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59how you yearned to thresh the wheat, to tend the corm.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I could have been somebody.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I could have been a corn tender.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Then let her go, Hal Finch.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10For one thing, we could use her nightie.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Cath Finch, are you with child?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Again? How could this happen?
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I told you there was a hole in the bolster.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Call the children down.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27- I don't know their names.- They cannot come down, we sold the stairs.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Arrowminty...
0:04:44 > 0:04:46THEY LAUGH
0:04:49 > 0:04:54I learned so much in those simple, sunlit days. That, when you wipe your nose on a patchwork quilt,
0:04:54 > 0:04:59there will always be one square stiffer than all the others.
0:05:01 > 0:05:07And that love is one thing but, without stairs, you can't really get up to the bedroom.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Cranchesterford was only seven miles away over the fields.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18But so different was it from our simple hamlet,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21it might as well have been more like eight.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27I shall never forget my first sight of Cranchesterford, that day I was
0:05:27 > 0:05:30to start work with Miss Finch at the Post and Potato Office.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- MAN:- Action!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35The hustle and bustle, the crowds.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38So much noise and gaiety and movement.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I could barely catch my breath.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Miss Finch.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- Lord Cranborne.- Have you considered further my proposal?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57It is not practical, Charles.
0:05:57 > 0:06:03I am attracted to you but it takes 20 minutes to take my corsets off and 35 minutes to get them back on.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06I can only close the Post Office for an hour, you do the math.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- And will you continue to handle my potatoes?- Of course.
0:06:24 > 0:06:29Oh, Arnica. Why, Arrowminty's gone and had her hair straightened.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44HE LAUGHS
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Don't even go there.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Always wanted to talk rubbish but never had the confidence to try?
0:06:51 > 0:06:57With "Let's Talk Rubbish", you can learn to talk rubbish easily with no memorising. "Let's Talk Rubbish"
0:06:57 > 0:07:03uses everyday situations. You'll be talking rubbish in no time.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You'll learn to answer, "How are you?"
0:07:06 > 0:07:08With a meaningless, "Yeah."
0:07:10 > 0:07:13As well as banal replies, you'll learn pointless banter.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- 'Don't even go there.' - Don't even go there.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19And you'll master that tricky upward inflection.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23'You meet a friend and want to tell her that you have seen a table.'
0:07:23 > 0:07:26And there was, like, this table.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Soon, you'll be talking rubbish with everyone you meet.
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- Don't even go there.- Nightmare! - Tell me about it. - Fair enough, to be honest with you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Whatever. - That's it, at the end of the day.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38How you doing, guys?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Yeah!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50But he's a well known gambler and...
0:07:50 > 0:07:54It is some years since the closed sign went up on the door
0:07:54 > 0:07:56of Manchesterford's famous antique shop.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I'll make some sherry, Miss Babs.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And, though the faithful cleaner, Mrs Overall, may have hung up
0:08:01 > 0:08:06her rubber gloves, the actress, Bo Beaumont, is a busy working actress.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Oh, yes, I like that. Busy, busy.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Embracing the challenges of a modern media career,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15this film follows a week in Bo's life
0:08:15 > 0:08:18as she moves Beyond The Marigolds.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Was I Mrs Overall, was she me?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27On the face of it, no.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32She was a simple, good-hearted Brummie and I'm a sophisticated,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- modern actress living on the borders of Paddington.- And yet, you've...
0:08:36 > 0:08:39And yet, Colin, I like to think I have her tenacity, her loyalty.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Well, I've just said it, her good-heartedness.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46- May I?- No, sorry. Those are for Saturdays.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- Wendy, you didn't put to the biscuits away, dear.- Oh, sorry.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Of course, I should never have got the part of Mrs Overall.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58I was actually down to the last two for Emma Peel in The Avengers.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02We had... 'Bo seems keen, almost desperate, that I should
0:09:02 > 0:09:05'understand how she came to be cast in what was,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08'let's face it, a rather low-budget and derided soap.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12..goes through one door, I go through...
0:09:12 > 0:09:16'And yet, she genuinely seems to believe that she ended up with the better part.'
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I got Mrs Overall and poor old Diana Rigg
0:09:20 > 0:09:24was stuck with The Avengers, which ran, what, two series?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, it was a nice little show.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Oh, it was a nice enough show. And Diana...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31- Dame Diana.- Yes, for charity work.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34She's had a decent enough career, she's respected...
0:09:34 > 0:09:35But she's not loved.
0:09:35 > 0:09:40- No.- Bo is loved.- Thank you.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Bo lives in London with her friend and companion, Wendy,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and their Yorkshire terrier, Binkie.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Did you, em...?
0:09:50 > 0:09:54It's the start of a very important week for Bo, as she begins rehearsals
0:09:54 > 0:09:57for the very popular BBC One series, Strictly Come Dancing.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01...might be good. Did you get the Ovaltine off the wraparound?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Dance professional, Anton du Beke, has no idea who his celebrity partner is to be.
0:10:06 > 0:10:11But, to be honest, you just want someone fairly young who can move.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Hello.- Hello.- Anton du Beke.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21No, doesn't ring a bell.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Have you ever won?- Er, no.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Oh, luck be a lady.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Shall we dance?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Yes, I'll just get ready.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Roll back the rug.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53MUSIC: My Baby Don't Care For Me by Nina Simone
0:10:53 > 0:10:56OK. Let's warm up a little.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Just try moving to the music.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Oh, OK. Well, let's try a little sequence of steps.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Try this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:15A-one-two-three, a-one-two-three.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Have a go.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Show me again.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23It goes, and a-one-two-three
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and a-one-two-three.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31- Oh, I think that's going to be lovely. Wendy, a winning routine, wouldn't you say?- Snazzy.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Do you want to give it a try?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36Go again.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42A-one-two-three, a-one-two-three.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45It's sinking in. But I think we'll leave it there.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I don't want to overload myself on the first day.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53Lovely meeting you. And I should have remembered your name and I haven't. Typical scatty actress.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Bye.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30As the weeks went by, I became accustomed to the non-stop hurly burly of Cranchesterford,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32to my work in the Post and Potato Office,
0:12:32 > 0:12:36and I began to get to know Miss Finch and the postman a little better.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38HE FARTS 'scuse I. Marrow.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- There was so much to learn. - BELL RINGS
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- Finally. I was in danger of denting my fan.- I'm so sorry.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Can I get you a tuppenny stamp? They're on special offer.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And what is the special offer?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00That was it. Just me offering it.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Muslin, these are useless.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- Run to the corn chandler's and get me another pair.- At once, Mrs Godchild.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Are you Halibut Finch's child?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Yes, ma'am. The flitcher.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- What trade is that?- I dunno.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22I think it's something to do with, like, outdoors.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26When I knew him, he was famed for his dancing.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30His polka was the talk of Cranchesterford.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- It's a dance.- Right.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Big woo.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Oh, my God! It's from Bessie. You know that guy we were talking about before?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- He, like, totally blanked her.- Oh. - Oh.- Hang on.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Don't read it, OK? - He can't read, anyway.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03- He's an urchin.- Oh, yeah, duh!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Poorly paid assistant number three, please.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Miss Finch.- Mrs Godchild.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Miss Muslin. - I saw you in conversation with Lord Cranborne, did I not?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23We were discussing the best protection for his Pentland javelin.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25- Is that a euphemism? - No, it's a potato.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Badly exploited assistant number one, please.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31What are you smirking at?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33If you want to smirk, go outside.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Getting the kiddies off to school?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53I just seen them across the lane.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Them pie wagons come along at such a lick, you're lucky if you've got 20 minutes to get over.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Are you all right, Arnica? It's not getting you down, is it, living in a hovel?
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Oh, Lord bless you, I don't want for nothing.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Clean air, good neighbours, them's my riches.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13But...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15But what?
0:15:15 > 0:15:22- I don't know. Sometimes I fancy a fur coat and a bunk-up.- You're depressed.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24You need a folk dance.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Oh, no Kath!
0:15:25 > 0:15:29I'm on six a day already from the doctor. I'm trying to cut down.
0:15:29 > 0:15:36I better go. I got some pig's bladders to rot down for Lammastide Just nibbles for when folks pop in.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Ain't you givin' birth today?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43I knew there was something else!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Thank you. Take care.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Bye, my dear.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Oh, ta. Got any plans for the weekend?
0:15:57 > 0:16:01I'll just be bitterly musing on my arid existence.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I might stare out of a few windows. I'll see how I go. Yourself?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08A boy from the haberdashers is coming round.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10We're going to send out for broth,
0:16:10 > 0:16:12and I got the new wax cylinder of Gladstone.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Wish I was gay.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15Oh...
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Welcome back to Brentford to the Midlife Olympics 2009,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27and what a cracking start we've just had.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31As you saw earlier, Robin Carmichael and his team bringing home the gold
0:16:31 > 0:16:34for Great Britain in the 4 x 400 hedge trimming.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Now it's very much the turn of the ladies. Carol...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Yes indeed, Steve. Oh, and there's the music.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Teams just coming into the women's arena now.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45And this is, of course, the Midlife Ladies' Pentathlon.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Not too much of a crowd there, Carol?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50No, the supporters will be mainly middle-aged women.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54They may have gone shopping or just forgotten about coming into the stadium altogether.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Kerry Perry, hoping to bounce back
0:16:58 > 0:17:00after the Ladies' Indoor Texting, where she held
0:17:00 > 0:17:02her phone the wrong way round and sent a photo
0:17:02 > 0:17:05of her left breast to everyone on her Christmas card list.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Oh, and we're going over to Andy Cafferty in the Parking Stadium.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Andy, how are things going down there?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Mixed fortunes, Steve.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Britain pipped to the medals in the Ladies' Outdoor Parking.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Cathy Daker struggling as usual with chevrons.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20She was in a Volvo with a dog cage -
0:17:20 > 0:17:22that may have affected her reversing.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25And how did we get on in the Multi-Storey Time Trials?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Not too great, I'm afraid. The American, Laura Sabatini, got gold.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Little bit controversial.
0:17:31 > 0:17:38Failed on her third attempt, burst into tears, and the car was parked for her by a passing male motorist.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40What did you make of that manoeuvre, very quickly?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Well, there's nothing in the rulebook against it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Personally I don't like it, I don't think it helps the cause of women's parking.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Well, there, I've said it, I don't like it. Sorry.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Ciao for now.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It's day two of Strictly Come Dancing, and Bo has
0:17:57 > 0:18:02still not got to grips with the first two steps of the warm-up.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And one, two, three...
0:18:05 > 0:18:09One, two, three and one, two, three.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14I think the problem is, Beckton, it's a lovely routine
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- but I'm not getting it because I'm not feeling it. - But it's not actually the routine...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I know - you're waiting for me to put in my own little flourishes.
0:18:21 > 0:18:28- Look, how about we cook up something a little bit more sassy?- Sassy...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Calypso, rhumba, something with a bit of hip action? Hocha-cocha!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'll get some music.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Good. You changing? Changing the routine?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44You know, you don't have very much time left to learn the routine, Bo.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Well, I've got 16 weeks.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It's tight, but it's manageable.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52No, no. The whole series is 16 weeks.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You do your first show this Saturday.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It goes out live.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Wendy...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Wendy! Come here. Colin! No cameras!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Love the fingers...
0:19:18 > 0:19:24Bo has decided against appearing in Strictly Come Dancing, and is on her way to visit Delia Smith,
0:19:24 > 0:19:31to talk about taking part in Delia's new cookery and travel show, The Gravy Train.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Are you a fan of Delia Smith?
0:19:45 > 0:19:52Oh, yes. I mean, she's taken something we can all do, good plain cooking, and somehow
0:19:52 > 0:19:56managed to wrangle that into quite a respectable career. Hats off to her!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58And she has a football club.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Does she? How lovely!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Garden full of kiddies, muddy kit.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13- These are very good. Did you make them, Del?- Hmm-mm.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Little tip -
0:20:15 > 0:20:19whip them out a couple of minutes earlier.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Can you taste? They've slightly gone over.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29Could you, Karen, explain to Bo what our new project is?
0:20:29 > 0:20:34OK. Well, The Gravy Train is basically Delia going from town to town on a steam train,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38meeting members of the public, asking them what their likes and dislikes...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41'I sensed Bo's enthusiasm for this cookery programme and wonder if
0:20:41 > 0:20:46'this might not be the thing that puts her back in the TV limelight.'
0:20:46 > 0:20:52So, basically you would tell us your signature dish, we'd sort out the ingredients.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55You just have to turn up on the day and teach it to Delia.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59All we need to know from you, Bo, is, what is your signature dish?
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Which shall we reveal, Wendy?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05The mince timbale?
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Fish finger surprise?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12- Crackamole!- Crackamole!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14What it is, Smithy,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17you take an ordinary pack of Tuc crackers...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Can I just, you know, get this straight?
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Tuc crackers?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44A piece of sardine.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47And then a squeeze of lemon - lime...
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Lime juice. That's the kick of the mole.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- And then on a plate?- That's right.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57In a spiral, arranged in a spiral.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01- We used to lay them out in concentric circles. - And then...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I was looking at the crackers one day.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It was just after 9/11.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11I think I just wanted to do something life-affirming. Like any chef, I was in the zone.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I said to Wendy,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Ditch the circles."
0:22:17 > 0:22:19"Put them in a spiral."
0:22:19 > 0:22:20WENDY SNIFFS
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Later that day, Bo got a call from Delia's office to say there had been a double booking.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44And instead of Bo's crackamole, they were going ahead with
0:22:44 > 0:22:47the Archbishop of Canterbury's spam curry.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58ORGAN PLAYS
0:23:07 > 0:23:11How many times have we prayed to God for something?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And he hasn't given it to us.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16What do we do? We blame ourselves.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21"Oh, we weren't good enough. I didn't deserve it." Or we blame God.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24"He has let us down."
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It was my birthday the other day.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29And as you do when you're in a relationship,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I dropped hints with my partner about what I would like for a present.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38In fact, I told him what I wanted, which is what we do with God, isn't it? We tell him what we want.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41So I told my partner, Eric,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45that I would like an espresso machine.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Because I love me espresso.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51And come the great day there was a big parcel waiting for me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55And I thought, that's a very big espresso machine, and I opened it.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And it was two...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00imitation leather...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02outdoor beanbags.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05And I was disappointed.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Because Eric had known what I wanted,
0:24:08 > 0:24:10and he hadn't given it to me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14Very nice beanbags, but I didn't want beanbags. I wanted...
0:24:14 > 0:24:18an espresso machine. And he could see I was disappointed.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And he said to me, "Bobby...",
0:24:21 > 0:24:23which is what he calls me,
0:24:23 > 0:24:29"I didn't give you the espresso machine because you have high blood pressure, you drink too much coffee.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33"I gave you the outdoor beanbags so we could sit in the garden
0:24:33 > 0:24:37"together in the evening, hold hands and chill out.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41"Chillax. Because I love you."
0:24:41 > 0:24:43And that's what God does.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Doesn't give us what we want.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47The espresso machine.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49He gives us what we need.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51The outdoor beanbags.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Because he loves us.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56He loves us and he wants us to chillax.
0:25:14 > 0:25:20It's 8.00am, and Nick and Margaret have both arrived early for their meeting with Sir Alan.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"THE APPRENTICE" THEME FADES
0:25:31 > 0:25:35JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:57 > 0:26:59APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:07I loved ma and pa,
0:27:07 > 0:27:11but now that I had straight hair and an umbrella, it was getting harder
0:27:11 > 0:27:16to tear myself away from the excitements of Cranchesterford to walk home to see them.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Arrowminty, come with us.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21- There's been enough rain for Walt's Big Puddle.- It's my day off.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I'm off to Donkeyfield to see Ma and Pa and the children.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29You're, like, really going to have to choose between Donkeyfield and Cranchesterford.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32You can't have friends in both places. End of.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34THUNDER RUMBLES
0:27:34 > 0:27:36That's a fine cup of tea, postman.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I swill around before I pour.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40It just brings out the flavour.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42We're both bachelors.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44You got that right, girlfriend!
0:27:44 > 0:27:48But lately, I've had a terrible yearning for Postmistress Finch.
0:27:48 > 0:27:53And I need to know if you have any sort of intentions towards her.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Oh! No.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57So I could plight my troth?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00You can plight it and paint it purple, don't mind me.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I wouldn't know where to start with a lady. They're all slither and curves.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Nightmare.- Have you never been courtin', Postman?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Not as such.
0:28:09 > 0:28:14I have a lot of shallow, meaningless encounters with boys though, so I don't feel I'm missing out.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21- I'm just looking out for Arrowminty. - Oh, yes, she's coming home today!
0:28:21 > 0:28:25- Where's the kiddies? - We had to pawn them.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27We'll get them out Saturday, God willing.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29How's your medication?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Down to two dances a day.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34- Feel loads better.- Yeah?- Yes.
0:28:34 > 0:28:39I don't have that endless critical interior monologue.
0:28:39 > 0:28:45Anyway, tell Arrowminty to pop in - the hovel's looking top notch.
0:28:45 > 0:28:48I've got a new dead cat in the doorway.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52Ginger. Picks up the trim in the scatter cushions.
0:28:52 > 0:28:54Oh...
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Enjoy!
0:29:08 > 0:29:10THEY SCREAM
0:29:20 > 0:29:21Oh, my God!
0:29:21 > 0:29:24I'm, like, "Argh!"
0:29:24 > 0:29:25I'm like...
0:29:31 > 0:29:34There you go. Good as new.
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Thank you, Blacksmith. That's better.
0:29:37 > 0:29:43Postmistress Finch, the other night your curtains was open.
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Yes, a badger had got into my pelmet.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48I couldn't help seeing you disrobing.
0:29:48 > 0:29:50How much did you see?
0:29:50 > 0:29:52I stayed for the first 20 minutes.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55Yes, I admit my undergarments are a little labour-intensive.
0:29:55 > 0:29:59- Well, what you need is...- Yes...
0:29:59 > 0:30:02- Some sort of quick-release mechanism. - Oh...!
0:30:02 > 0:30:05- Let me have a think.- OK. Ta.
0:30:09 > 0:30:11No sign of our girl.
0:30:11 > 0:30:16- What could have happened? - Either she's struck with the quinsy at death's door...
0:30:16 > 0:30:18In which case, fair do's.
0:30:18 > 0:30:23Or else she reckons she's too uppity-tuppity to visit her old ma and pa and their...
0:30:25 > 0:30:29- Children.- Well, Halibut Finch will not be disrespected.
0:30:29 > 0:30:33I'm a simple man, but I have my pride.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41Just take a bull's-eye.
0:30:41 > 0:30:43Bit garlicky from lunch.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48My pa wasn't rich.
0:30:48 > 0:30:53Not money-rich. He didn't have a big house or a fine carriage.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55And that was really depressing.
0:30:55 > 0:31:00Still not paid enough assistant number three, please.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02What do you reckon?
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- It's a little youthful.- Meaning?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07That it's gay frivolity may not sit so well on a more mature,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10not to say, miserable and sagging, countenance.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12May I remind you who pays your wages?
0:31:12 > 0:31:13On you, it's fabulous.
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I'll take it.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19Just one tug.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Blacksmith, you have triumphed. What should be your reward?
0:31:22 > 0:31:26What do you care to give me?
0:31:31 > 0:31:34There's a Desiree with no postcode. Go lovely with some coleslaw.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36Cheers.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44Arrowminty!
0:31:44 > 0:31:47'Scuse me, my lady, I'm looking for my daughter.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Lolly Goggins.
0:31:51 > 0:31:52Halibut Finch.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55You still have your half of the pork scratching?
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Oh...
0:32:13 > 0:32:14Wednesday morning.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18Bo has an appointment with the producers of the genealogy programme,
0:32:18 > 0:32:20Who Do You Think You Are?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28The meeting hasn't gone well.
0:32:28 > 0:32:33Bo has walked out having refused to give the researchers her real name or her date of birth.
0:32:33 > 0:32:40But Bo is not deterred by this latest setback and has contacted an old friend at ITV.
0:32:41 > 0:32:45- He was very interested. Very. - What's the programme, Bo?
0:32:45 > 0:32:50- It's called, I Am A Celebrity. - I like the sound of that.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53Yes, to be fair, I did work for the commercial channel years ago.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- Do you remember, Wendy, in the Rediffusion days? - Emergency Ward 10.- That's right.
0:32:57 > 0:33:04- I was a comedy nosebleed.- ...Bleed. - A little scrap of raw talent. Here I am,
0:33:04 > 0:33:07whizzing through the streets of the capital...
0:33:07 > 0:33:11on my way to meet the producers of I Am A Celebrity.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Ah, the whirligig of time.
0:33:24 > 0:33:29The producer of I Am A Celebrity has explained that it is a Japanese-style endurance game.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33You get all the jungle gear, the boots and the shorts and so on.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Sometimes, we fly people in as a surprise.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39I think we did that with Cannon and Ball.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42But, Bo seems still to be interested.
0:33:42 > 0:33:46We have these things called Bush Tucker trials, where the celebrities have to eat...
0:33:46 > 0:33:54rather disgusting things. Like, erm, edible grubs, and locusts and kangaroo anus.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I think Jan Leeming ate wombat penis.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02Well, that's about it.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06- How dare you.- What?
0:34:06 > 0:34:13Do you seriously think I would give an instance consideration to your fetid little programme?
0:34:13 > 0:34:15Why...?
0:34:15 > 0:34:18I am an actress.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20A loved and respected actress.
0:34:20 > 0:34:27I was voted best loved character in a soap 1987, 1989 and 1990.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31And there are three things on television I will never do.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33I will not wear shorts.
0:34:33 > 0:34:37I will not take part in any repellent eating trial.
0:34:37 > 0:34:43And I will not appear on any programme that considers Jan Leeming
0:34:43 > 0:34:46to be a celebrity. Come on, Wendy.
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Some ladies may need to kick start their careers by chomping on the private parts of a marsupial.
0:34:54 > 0:34:59In the unlikely event that I ever need to boost my profile, you will find me on Channel 4.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02In Dictionary Corner On Countdown. Good day.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03Out of they way!
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Sorry.
0:35:18 > 0:35:23Welcome back. Women's pentathlon hotting up as you just heard on the news.
0:35:23 > 0:35:28Pentathlon stalwart, Kerry Perry, has failed her drugs test.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32That's official. She tested positive on an on-the-spot testing for...
0:35:32 > 0:35:33What was it, Carol?
0:35:33 > 0:35:34Viennetta.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38Sad day, but the stuff is out there, unfortunately.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41Being realistic, anyone can get hold of it.
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Coming in today, I was offered a petit four.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49And we're just hearing that the third event in the Ladies' Pentathlon,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52the Supermarket Checkout Relay, has been halted.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Deirdre, this is pretty unheard of. Can you tell us what actually happened?
0:35:57 > 0:36:00The relay was halted when one of the Kenyans chose the "five items
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"or less" aisle but was then found to have six items in her basket.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05So, she's out, then?
0:36:05 > 0:36:08The Kenyans are claiming that two of the items were part of a
0:36:08 > 0:36:13buy-one-get-one-free offer so count, in effect, as one item.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16So, Carol, should she have gone for a different aisle?
0:36:16 > 0:36:19It's a tough call. So much depends on the checkout operative.
0:36:19 > 0:36:23- Younger operatives are not always quicker.- It was a young lad, you may remember, who scotched
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Sweden's chances in the semis when he couldn't recognise a kiwi.
0:36:26 > 0:36:32And we lost out, of course, in the European Shopping Championships two years ago, when our girl took a risk
0:36:32 > 0:36:35with a packet of Maxi-pads and they were beeped through as a white Hovis.
0:36:35 > 0:36:41Let's have a quick look back at the history of this shopping event.
0:36:41 > 0:36:42This is the 1912 Games in Stockholm.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45As you see, the shopping element is quite embryonic.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Minimal choice, none of the trickier to manage items we see today.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50No cat litter, no Toilet Duck.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53And not the easiest of kit to run in.
0:36:53 > 0:36:56No, indeed. Oh, a lady hitting the deck there.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59With her long skirt.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02And this is, of course, Connie Flanders-Bentham,
0:37:02 > 0:37:06who won in front of the home crowd here in London in 1948.
0:37:06 > 0:37:081948, the Austerity Games.
0:37:08 > 0:37:14The medals were cast in cheap metal and many athletes did suffer an allergic reaction.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17In fact, Connie did die later that day.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20That's right. That really is a day of contrasts.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Winning...and then dying.
0:37:28 > 0:37:29Real bad luck, there.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32Back after this.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42'It was just an ordinary day at work
0:37:42 > 0:37:44'and then, bang!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47'I slipped on a chip...'
0:37:47 > 0:37:49Help, I've slipped on a chip!
0:37:49 > 0:37:51'..someone had left on the ground.'
0:37:51 > 0:37:54SHE GROANS
0:37:54 > 0:37:58- 'I phoned slippedonachip.com. They couldn't have been more helpful.' - It's our pleasure.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02'I received £8,000 in compensation.
0:38:02 > 0:38:08'So, when my friend at work tripped over a miniature cuckoo clock someone had glued to the kerb...
0:38:08 > 0:38:09CUCKOO!
0:38:09 > 0:38:12'She got in touch with slippedonachip.com straight away.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16'But they wouldn't take the case cos...
0:38:16 > 0:38:17'it wasn't a chip.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21'slippedonachip.com.'
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Does not apply in the case of French fries, curly fries or mash.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Big changes came to all of us that summer.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Ma and Pa had separated.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39She was working as a private dancer in a gentlemen's club in the red bonnet district.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43And Pa had been reunited with his childhood sweetheart, Lolly Goggins,
0:38:43 > 0:38:47the rich widow, Mrs Godchild.
0:38:47 > 0:38:49What's wrong, my darling?
0:38:49 > 0:38:51I cannot get used to these garments.
0:38:51 > 0:38:56I am at a flitcher. And flitchers don't wear such stuff.
0:38:56 > 0:38:58Our shirts are rough hemp.
0:38:58 > 0:39:03Our trousers moleskin softened by wind and weather, creased at the knee and groin.
0:39:03 > 0:39:08I am loving the sound of that. And maybe a little neckerchief? Chunky belt?
0:39:10 > 0:39:11Arrowminty?
0:39:14 > 0:39:16I had no time for Ma and Pa.
0:39:16 > 0:39:20One of the new spray-whitening booths had opened in Cranchesterford
0:39:20 > 0:39:23and soon my rosy cheeks would be gone for ever.
0:39:27 > 0:39:28Lift your ringlets.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I reckon you could go a shade lighter than that.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Arrowminty Finch, ain't you got no shame?
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Whitening the good brown bosoms the Lord gave you.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43With a pa shacked up with a fine lady.
0:39:43 > 0:39:47And a ma showing her bonnet to anyone with a threepenny bit.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50I reckon I don't have no shame, no.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Fair point, well made.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:39:58 > 0:40:02Ah, Miss Muslin. I fear I cannot serve you.
0:40:02 > 0:40:07Our postman is out on his rounds and I have a most urgent delivery to make to Lord Cranborne.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10- Is he missing some potatoes? - I'm hoping not.- It would seem you have a bee in your bonnet.
0:40:10 > 0:40:13- I admit I have feelings for him. - No, you have a bee in your bonnet.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Oh! Ah!
0:40:15 > 0:40:17God, I hate the country.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21Best call it midsummer madness, Ma. Me shacking up with Mrs Godchild.
0:40:21 > 0:40:25- Me doing the private dancing. - That's no life.
0:40:25 > 0:40:29I never want to want to hear Greensleeves again, I tell you that.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32If we could just set things straight with Arrowminty.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34Take a look yonder.
0:40:38 > 0:40:39It's Arrowminty...
0:40:39 > 0:40:42with the children.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46I sold my flitching tools to get them out of the pawnshop.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48Oh, Pa.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00Wrong children.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Oh, beggar. Never mind. Still got the tickets.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Come on, tiddlers.
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Easy mistake.
0:41:07 > 0:41:08Mmm.
0:41:08 > 0:41:11I love you, Halibut Finch.
0:41:11 > 0:41:14Not as much as I love you, Catheter Finch.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Lord Cranborne, please.
0:41:27 > 0:41:31I have a registered package and an Innovations catalogue.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33KNOCK AT DOOR
0:41:33 > 0:41:34Hang on.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42Ah, Lord Cranborne.
0:41:42 > 0:41:47The matter we discussed previously, regarding ladies netherwear and time taken in removal.
0:41:47 > 0:41:53- I'm not sure I recall... - Corsets. The blacksmith has come up with a gadget...- Really?
0:41:53 > 0:41:57..that will make it much quicker for the dog to see the euphemism.
0:41:57 > 0:42:01I'm afraid my circumstances now are such that I really have no great desire to see your euphemism.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04Might I know what has altered your circumstances?
0:42:06 > 0:42:07We just clicked.
0:42:07 > 0:42:11- I should have said something, but I was waiting to see how it went. - I see.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Do you want to see how the corset works? Just for info?
0:42:15 > 0:42:21No fear! I was saying to Lord C here, I delivered a telegram once and the woman was naked.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23It was like a go-slow in a blancmange factory.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25I was sleeping with the light on for weeks.
0:42:27 > 0:42:29I'll see myself out.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40We weren't to know that sunlit evening, Ma and Pa and me,
0:42:40 > 0:42:44how swiftly life would change in that lark-filled place.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48That Pa would finally admit there was no such trade as flitching.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50And that he'd been spending all day in the reference library.
0:42:50 > 0:42:55That Ma would to an external degree in gender politics at Cranchesterford Technical College
0:42:55 > 0:43:00and that, although she would always love Pa, she would always slightly despise him.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07We could never have realised, as we waltzed on that sunlit meadow,
0:43:07 > 0:43:11that we were actually dancing on a badly maintained septic tank.
0:43:11 > 0:43:16And that many of us would die horribly from sewage-related illnesses.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Or that Ma and Pa's children would have children of their own.
0:43:20 > 0:43:22And some of them would become the Nolan Sisters...
0:43:22 > 0:43:24Nigel Kennedy...
0:43:24 > 0:43:26and Gary Wilmot.
0:43:30 > 0:43:34And as for the girl I was, Arrowminty, she fell in love with the blacksmith
0:43:34 > 0:43:37and they were as happy as larks in the sky.
0:43:42 > 0:43:43For a bit, anyway.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03Half-an-hour later and Bo is still fuming.
0:44:03 > 0:44:06Jan Leeming,
0:44:06 > 0:44:08don't think so.
0:44:10 > 0:44:13Bo, isn't that the Olympic skaters?
0:44:13 > 0:44:17Oh, that's right, it's Pearl and Dean.
0:44:17 > 0:44:21Now that looks like an elegant show to be on.
0:44:21 > 0:44:26I don't suppose they have to chow down on wallaby scrotum.
0:44:26 > 0:44:29Is it worth giving them a ring? While we're here?
0:44:39 > 0:44:42You skated before, Bo?
0:44:42 > 0:44:46- Not for some time. - We used to to go to Richmond.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49That's right, we used to go round the edge, didn't we? Once round the edge.
0:44:49 > 0:44:53- What, just hanging on?- That's right. I'm sure it'll come back to me.
0:44:53 > 0:44:55What do they call it? Muscle...
0:44:55 > 0:44:58- Memory.- That's it. Muscle memory.
0:44:58 > 0:44:59Bo!
0:45:00 > 0:45:05Here they are, those plucky little East Midlanders.
0:45:08 > 0:45:11- Hello.- Hello.
0:45:11 > 0:45:13How are you?
0:45:13 > 0:45:19'While Bo makes friends with Dancing On Ice stars Torvill and Dean, I take a minute to chat to Wendy.'
0:45:19 > 0:45:25Wendy, you do an awful lot for Bo, don't you? There's the shopping, cooking, cleaning and driving.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27I mean, you're almost a dogsbody.
0:45:27 > 0:45:29I'm very privileged.
0:45:29 > 0:45:31You don't see what she does for me.
0:45:31 > 0:45:33Actually, no, I don't.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35What does she do for you? I'm intrigued.
0:45:35 > 0:45:39She's my life!
0:45:39 > 0:45:41She is my life.
0:45:43 > 0:45:45I thought I might get a hot chocolate.
0:45:54 > 0:46:00Only if Bo shows some competence on the ice, will she be allowed to take part in the show.
0:46:02 > 0:46:05Get back!
0:46:11 > 0:46:14Thank you, Christopher, thank you.
0:46:21 > 0:46:22Yes...
0:46:40 > 0:46:42MUSIC: "Bolero" by Ravel
0:46:45 > 0:46:49- It's a lot about poise, isn't it? - Gliding.
0:46:49 > 0:46:52- Is that a move?- I think, yeah...
0:46:54 > 0:46:57She's relaxing a bit more now, I think.
0:47:12 > 0:47:13Wendy!
0:47:21 > 0:47:24- How did you think that went? - Yeah, no, it's fine. Thank you.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27- Yeah, I thought it went... - It was OK.
0:47:27 > 0:47:29OK, yeah.
0:47:29 > 0:47:33Why don't we call your agent and we'll sort things out?
0:47:33 > 0:47:37- Yeah.- Yeah?- Great.- Keep practising.- Will do, thanks.- Lots.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44What did they say?
0:47:44 > 0:47:51They say it would be a very big time commitment if I stayed in right to the final. It's a lot of weekends.
0:47:51 > 0:47:53We wouldn't want to miss Crufts.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55I might have to turn it down, sadly.
0:47:59 > 0:48:02Can you get yourself up off the ice?
0:48:02 > 0:48:03No.
0:48:26 > 0:48:27Saturday evening.
0:48:27 > 0:48:32It's my last chance to talk to Bo and there's one question I feel I must put to her.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38Has it been a humiliating week, Bo?
0:48:38 > 0:48:41Oh, that's a pretty probing question, Colin.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Deserves an honest answer.
0:48:44 > 0:48:46It was a hard week, shall we say,
0:48:46 > 0:48:52and I did have to be forceful at times, but humiliating? No.
0:48:52 > 0:48:57I don't think I humiliated anyone, not my style. Oh, lovely.
0:48:59 > 0:49:03So you weren't out of your comfort zone this week?
0:49:03 > 0:49:05Colin, I'm an actress.
0:49:05 > 0:49:12You can take me to risk, you can take me to danger, but never ask me to visit comfort zone!
0:49:12 > 0:49:18That's one place Bo Beaumont ain't never going to go.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21Ooh, Crackamole.
0:49:23 > 0:49:25What's on the goggle box, Wendy?
0:49:28 > 0:49:31When Celebrity Gastric Bands Wear Out.
0:49:31 > 0:49:32Ah, lovely.
0:49:50 > 0:49:54Well, what a Games it's been, an unforgettable Midlife Olympics.
0:49:54 > 0:50:00Carol and I would like to thank you for spending time with us here in Middlesex.
0:50:00 > 0:50:05Let's take a look at our medal highlights, including that unforgettable closing ceremony,
0:50:05 > 0:50:10but first, we're going to take a look of that magical moment when the Midlife Olympic flame finished its
0:50:10 > 0:50:16long journey from Addis Ababa and arrived in Brentford.
0:50:19 > 0:50:22And what a solemn moment this is.
0:50:22 > 0:50:29Veteran Tony Middleton, holder of the world speed record for setting the table,
0:50:29 > 0:50:36lighting the Olympic flame that will mark the start of the Midlife Games of 2009.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45Lit by wife, Sheila, there.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53Eve Bluston, first attempt on the balance beam.
0:50:53 > 0:50:57Pipped to silver in Nagasaki. Looking to come good today.
0:50:57 > 0:50:59Oh, oh, ah...
0:50:59 > 0:51:01It's not happening.
0:51:01 > 0:51:03Ah, lost momentum. First refusal.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Pain etched on the face of Graham Gardner,
0:51:05 > 0:51:08back on the pedalo only weeks after a botched hip replacement.
0:51:08 > 0:51:10Ghanaians giving their all, but it's not enough.
0:51:10 > 0:51:13Yes, Britain has gold and the Ghanaians are nowhere!
0:51:13 > 0:51:15Come in number three, you've got a gold medal.
0:51:17 > 0:51:18Second attempt from Eve Bluston now.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23That's a lovely run. She used good height.
0:51:23 > 0:51:25No, no, second leg not coming up.
0:51:25 > 0:51:28Coach Alan Lilley there with the official bunk-up.
0:51:28 > 0:51:30No, no, doesn't want it.
0:51:30 > 0:51:32Second refusal.
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Well, I think we can say goodbye to the silver.
0:51:36 > 0:51:38India, very good in all flat-pack events
0:51:38 > 0:51:41but Babs and Nigel Conway are racing ahead with only one shelf to go.
0:51:41 > 0:51:44Is it solid? It's solid!
0:51:44 > 0:51:47Married Couples Self-assembly Flat-pack Olympic gold,
0:51:47 > 0:51:48back where it belongs, in Britain.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53Nice use of the hand to steady herself.
0:51:54 > 0:51:57One leg on, that the new plastic knee she's holding.
0:51:57 > 0:52:01She's up. She needs both hands up to secure the medal. Alan lets go.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03Up go the arms.
0:52:03 > 0:52:04Bluston has silver.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09And what a breathtaking sight that is.
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Ken Fallaway forming the shape of the Olympic rings
0:52:12 > 0:52:16in fire against the night sky of our host city, Brentford in Middlesex.
0:52:18 > 0:52:23And one can only marvel at the months of dedication and sheer slog
0:52:23 > 0:52:25that have resulted in this flawless closing display.
0:52:28 > 0:52:30And there it goes, gold and silver fountain,
0:52:30 > 0:52:32one of the hardest fireworks to light,
0:52:32 > 0:52:36but it lit for the British Olympic hosts in Brentford tonight.
0:52:36 > 0:52:37And on that triumphant note,
0:52:37 > 0:52:41we say a very good night to middle-aged people everywhere.
0:52:41 > 0:52:45CHEERING
0:52:57 > 0:53:00Well, we've come to the end of the show and we're going to finish with a song.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03We wanted to have a big musical number with big orchestration and
0:53:03 > 0:53:07lots of dancers, but you know, we can't afford it.
0:53:07 > 0:53:10So I am going to sing at the piano and if you could
0:53:10 > 0:53:17just sort of imagine a big band and the lovely costumes and some sort of Christmassy background.
0:53:19 > 0:53:22So I'm going to dedicate this song
0:53:22 > 0:53:24to all the middle-aged people watching out there,
0:53:24 > 0:53:28all the Barrys and Fredas, they may have been married
0:53:28 > 0:53:31for a long time, perhaps the spark has gone out of their relationship,
0:53:31 > 0:53:36perhaps they don't have quite as good a sex life as they once had.
0:53:36 > 0:53:37This is for them.
0:53:41 > 0:53:45# Freda and Barry sat one night
0:53:45 > 0:53:48# The sky was clear the stars were bright
0:53:48 > 0:53:50# The wind was soft, the moon was up
0:53:50 > 0:53:54# Freda drained her cocoa cup
0:53:54 > 0:53:57# She licked her lips, she felt sublime
0:53:57 > 0:54:00# She switched off Gardeners' Question Time
0:54:01 > 0:54:04# Barry cringed in fear and dread
0:54:04 > 0:54:09# As Freda grabbed his tie and said
0:54:11 > 0:54:15# "Let's do it, let's do it, do it while the mood is right.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19# "I'm feeling appealing, I've really got an appetite
0:54:19 > 0:54:24# "I'm on fire, with desire, I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27# "Let's do it, let's do it tonight."
0:54:27 > 0:54:29# But he said, "I can't do it, I can't do it,
0:54:29 > 0:54:32# "I'm not exactly Russell Brand.
0:54:32 > 0:54:37# "You're thwarted, I'm sorted, got me evening's telly planned
0:54:37 > 0:54:41# "It's a pity, the nitty-gritty, I've taped 11 episodes of Holby City
0:54:41 > 0:54:45# "Can't do it, can't do it tonight."
0:54:45 > 0:54:49# So she said, "Let's do it, let's do it, do it till our hearts go boom
0:54:49 > 0:54:54# "Go native, creative, living in the living room
0:54:54 > 0:54:59# "This folly, it's jolly, bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley
0:54:59 > 0:55:02# "Let's do it, let's do it tonight."
0:55:02 > 0:55:07# "Can't do it, can't do it, my heavy breathing days are gone
0:55:07 > 0:55:11# "Niagara, Viagra, nothing really turns me on
0:55:11 > 0:55:14# "Stop stewing, boo-hooing, I've had a look down there
0:55:14 > 0:55:20# "and there's nothing doing. Can't do it, can't do it tonight."
0:55:20 > 0:55:24# "Let's do it, let's do it, while I'm really in the mood
0:55:24 > 0:55:28# "Three cheers, it's years since I caught you even semi-nude
0:55:28 > 0:55:33# "Get drastic, gymnastic, wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic.
0:55:33 > 0:55:37# "But let's do it, let's do it tonight."
0:55:37 > 0:55:41# "Can't do it, can't do it, it's really not my cup of tea.
0:55:41 > 0:55:46# "I'm harassed, embarrassed, I wish you hadn't picked on me.
0:55:46 > 0:55:50# "Don't choose me, don't use me, my mother's sent a note to say you must excuse me.
0:55:50 > 0:55:53# "Can't do it, can't do it tonight."
0:55:54 > 0:55:57# "Let's do it, let's do it, we really absolutely must
0:55:57 > 0:56:03# "I won't exempt you, want to tempt you, want to drive you mad with lust.
0:56:03 > 0:56:07# "No cautions, just contortions, spear an avocado on me lower portions
0:56:07 > 0:56:11# "Let's do it, let's do it tonight."
0:56:11 > 0:56:15# "I can't do it, I can't do it, I must refuse to get unzipped.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17# "I'm tearful,
0:56:17 > 0:56:20# "I'm fearful, worried that I'm ill-equipped.
0:56:20 > 0:56:24# "Don't bully, I can't fully guarantee to cope without a rope and pulley
0:56:24 > 0:56:28# "Can't do it, can't do it tonight."
0:56:28 > 0:56:32# "Let's do it, let's do it, I really want to run amok
0:56:32 > 0:56:36# "Let's wiggle, let's jiggle, let's really make the rafters rock
0:56:36 > 0:56:41# "Be mighty, be flighty, come and knock the buttons off me flameproof nightie.
0:56:41 > 0:56:45# "Let's handle some scandal, come and sip Ribena from my peep-toe sandal
0:56:45 > 0:56:47# "Surprise me, chastise me,
0:56:47 > 0:56:49# "Let's be Fern and Phil and you can patronise me.
0:56:49 > 0:56:53# "Let's do it, let's do it tonight."
0:57:39 > 0:57:43# "Get festive, get restive, dunk me in the duvet like a big digestive.
0:57:43 > 0:57:48# "Just humour, a late bloomer, stuff my Christmas stocking with your big satsuma.
0:57:48 > 0:57:52# "Not bleakly, not meekly, beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.
0:57:52 > 0:58:03# "Let's do it, let's do it tonight." #
0:58:03 > 0:58:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:58:24 > 0:58:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:27 > 0:58:30E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk