Eddie Izzard: Stripped

0:00:08 > 0:00:11This programme contains very strong language.

0:00:33 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:00:53 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES

0:01:03 > 0:01:09London! London!

0:01:10 > 0:01:11London, London.

0:01:11 > 0:01:17There's only one London in the world except for all the other ones,

0:01:17 > 0:01:20which is really annoying. Couldn't there just be one? Thank you very much.

0:01:20 > 0:01:26But we were called Londinium by the Romans and we said, "No, we're not going to do that.

0:01:26 > 0:01:30"We're going to change some of the vowels at the end, because we want the 'ondon' sound."

0:01:30 > 0:01:33And I think that's what we're most attached to.

0:01:33 > 0:01:37When I think of London, I think of the ondon, the same O-N-O-N bit at the end.

0:01:37 > 0:01:40And we have no songs. There's no songs.

0:01:40 > 0:01:43Well, there's one song for London, but we should have a song that...

0:01:43 > 0:01:46Cos there's American songs. New York, hey! Chicago...

0:01:46 > 0:01:51And Chicago, hey... San Francisco, eh... And, you know...

0:01:53 > 0:01:59But we should have one that reflects, I think, London vibrancy and London fuck-off-ness.

0:01:59 > 0:02:04# London, London Why don't you all fuck off?

0:02:04 > 0:02:05# But come and spend your money

0:02:05 > 0:02:08# Come around and spend your money

0:02:08 > 0:02:09# Have a good time, then fuck off

0:02:09 > 0:02:11# Then come back on Tuesday

0:02:11 > 0:02:15# At half past three Cos we need some cash just then

0:02:15 > 0:02:16# Then fuck off, come back, fuck off

0:02:16 > 0:02:19# Come back, fuck off, come back... #

0:02:19 > 0:02:21- CHEERING - I think that's...

0:02:26 > 0:02:27Ding, ding, ding, ding...

0:02:27 > 0:02:33Tonight! Tonight I thought I'd talk about everything that's ever happened in the world.

0:02:33 > 0:02:35And the critics... I said this and critics said, "No, you're not."

0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Of course I'm not!" And they said, "All right."

0:02:38 > 0:02:41And I said, "Why the fuck did you say eurgh?"

0:02:41 > 0:02:44And they went, "Cos we're critics."

0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, tonight, tonight we'll talk with the use of Wikipedia,

0:02:47 > 0:02:51which has taught me so many things that I didn't know and neither did you.

0:02:51 > 0:02:57Wikipedia has pages on everything! There's almost nothing... There was one thing I looked up

0:02:57 > 0:03:01and I couldn't find, but I can't remember what it is, so it probably doesn't matter.

0:03:01 > 0:03:04Everything is in Wikipedia, and you used to have arguments!

0:03:04 > 0:03:08How do you make spoons, Jim, Jack, Kenny, Rogers? Two people.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10How do you make them?

0:03:10 > 0:03:13And if no one knew, you'd go, "Ah, fuck it."

0:03:13 > 0:03:15And you wouldn't go, "I'll join a library.

0:03:15 > 0:03:21"I'll join a library and I'll get a library card after six months and then I'll look up spoons."

0:03:21 > 0:03:23No, you wouldn't. You'd just...

0:03:23 > 0:03:24You'd just give up then.

0:03:24 > 0:03:28But now we've got Wikipedia, we look up spoons. And you'd probably get bored within three lines.

0:03:28 > 0:03:32If you notice, it goes, "Spoons were made from..."

0:03:32 > 0:03:35Within three lines, you're going, "Helicopters! Helicopters!

0:03:35 > 0:03:36"They took over the world...

0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Chickens. Chickens drive helicopters.

0:03:38 > 0:03:44"Alligators." You know. And you can just keep going until you get to one and you click

0:03:44 > 0:03:49on it and it says, "There is no page for this person." And you think, "Why did you put them in blue?"

0:03:51 > 0:03:55"Don't put them in blue and have no page. Just don't put them in blue."

0:03:55 > 0:03:57We have been trained. So, Wikipedia.

0:03:57 > 0:04:01Yes. On the very sexy computers like the Macintosh computer.

0:04:01 > 0:04:04I have an Apple Macintosh computer, very sort of touchy, sexy, feely.

0:04:04 > 0:04:07And you open it up and...

0:04:07 > 0:04:10In the old days porn would take forever to download.

0:04:10 > 0:04:11Do you remember that?

0:04:11 > 0:04:14Friends tell me.

0:04:14 > 0:04:16Friends who can spell porn.

0:04:16 > 0:04:20Well, it was... That picture would come up. And you'd go, "What is it? This is cat porn.

0:04:20 > 0:04:21"This is a picture of a cat."

0:04:23 > 0:04:26But nowadays you're just tip-tapping away and a little box comes up.

0:04:26 > 0:04:29"Would you like a software update?" And you go, "Yeah.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32"Yeah, like one of those." It's like a latte thing.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34Yeah, why not?

0:04:34 > 0:04:40And then time becomes a different thing. Time becomes weird as it downloads. Five minutes to download.

0:04:40 > 0:04:42Four minutes to download. Three minutes to download.

0:04:42 > 0:04:43Nine minutes to download.

0:04:43 > 0:04:47Two minutes to download. Seven hours to download.

0:04:47 > 0:04:49Six seconds to download.

0:04:49 > 0:04:51A light-year to download.

0:04:51 > 0:04:57And then it starts asking you questions like will you sign a new agreement with iTunes?

0:04:57 > 0:05:00And I've signed many agreements with iTunes.

0:05:00 > 0:05:03I don't know what they want from me any more.

0:05:03 > 0:05:05Surely they know I agree with them.

0:05:06 > 0:05:09I'm just... I'm there, you know?

0:05:09 > 0:05:12Why do they keep checking like I'm going to go away?

0:05:12 > 0:05:15No, I no longer agree with you.

0:05:15 > 0:05:17We all agree. And they've made us liars.

0:05:17 > 0:05:19You can't say to children, "Don't lie."

0:05:19 > 0:05:22"Well, you said you've read the terms and conditions."

0:05:24 > 0:05:29No one has read the terms and conditions, no one in the world!

0:05:29 > 0:05:32No one. Even the lawyers who wrote it, wrote it like this.

0:05:36 > 0:05:39It could say anything in there.

0:05:39 > 0:05:42"We will take your buttocks and sell them to Chinese." "Yes!"

0:05:42 > 0:05:45"Set fire to your hedges." "Why not?"

0:05:45 > 0:05:48"Put your knee in a sling." "Yeah, gimme."

0:05:48 > 0:05:50Cos you're in go-fever at that point.

0:05:50 > 0:05:51"Come on, give me the update."

0:05:51 > 0:05:56Cos it could be that one update, that one update that will make your life complete.

0:05:56 > 0:06:00You know, like the Willy Wonka golden chocolate thingy with the errgh.

0:06:00 > 0:06:06Update, yes. And then sex with everyone and free chickens for life.

0:06:06 > 0:06:08Whether they want to come or not.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12But then it downloads and you have to do a reboot thing, which is

0:06:12 > 0:06:15basically getting ready to go to the seaside with a bucket and spade,

0:06:15 > 0:06:19the engine on, and your dad says, "Come on, everyone out the car." "What?

0:06:19 > 0:06:21"Where we going? Where we going? Where we going?"

0:06:21 > 0:06:24Everyone back in the car. "Back in the car? We just got out."

0:06:24 > 0:06:28- HE IMITATES A CAR REVVING - "What the fuck was that?"

0:06:31 > 0:06:38So, yes, and then you update the whole thing and nothing has changed, which is a bit weird and annoying.

0:06:38 > 0:06:40If you have a PC computer, I think it's a similar thing.

0:06:40 > 0:06:45You press the on button and then there's a crank. You have to crank it.

0:06:45 > 0:06:50And then they get contact and they spin the propeller and you get in.

0:06:50 > 0:06:53"Come on, the PC's going." Doog, doog, doog, doog, doog.

0:06:53 > 0:06:55And then you put on a 78 record.

0:06:58 > 0:07:03Move the horn around. # Wurr, wurr, weeerr... #

0:07:03 > 0:07:10- Caruso sings the update. - HE IMITATES CARUSO

0:07:11 > 0:07:15So, I've learnt that the world is 4,500 million years old.

0:07:15 > 0:07:18If you're very religious, then it's not 4,500 million years old.

0:07:18 > 0:07:20It's 6,000 years old.

0:07:20 > 0:07:23One of these is not correct.

0:07:23 > 0:07:26Using simple logic here.

0:07:26 > 0:07:31Now the science boys, they got anoraks, they got glasses, they got Bunsen burners and Petri dishes.

0:07:31 > 0:07:34I've got to go with them because they can bend glass,

0:07:34 > 0:07:36and if they heat it up, you know...

0:07:36 > 0:07:41And sodium chloride and potassium permanganate makes potassium pomongadonkey.

0:07:43 > 0:07:48What was the one that was boom, and all and that and...? And all that stuff that we did.

0:07:48 > 0:07:51And then if you're religious, the religious boys, they've got a book.

0:07:55 > 0:07:56And...

0:07:56 > 0:07:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:07:58 > 0:08:01Some really interesting stuff in there, good stories in the book.

0:08:01 > 0:08:04I mean, I think a lot of the people in there are true. I think it's oral histories.

0:08:04 > 0:08:08Stuff in there's true and there's slavery in there. Hmmmm.

0:08:08 > 0:08:13Maybe crime against humanity there in the good, moral book.

0:08:13 > 0:08:15Maybe it shouldn't be in? Maybe the editor

0:08:15 > 0:08:20should have put a line through how to sell your daughter? Mmm.

0:08:20 > 0:08:23Don't you think one of the Popes would have thought, "We could...

0:08:23 > 0:08:26"Could we? You know, we're dumping a lot of these books.

0:08:26 > 0:08:33"Couldn't we just cross out the slavery bit and pretend it never happened?" They left it in till now.

0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's still there!

0:08:36 > 0:08:41It makes me think there isn't a God, you know. Cos I used to be an agnostic and now I'm an atheist.

0:08:41 > 0:08:46I'm all for spirituality and I think there's a lot of religious people who've got a certain something.

0:08:46 > 0:08:49And I believe in us. I don't believe in God, I believe in us human beings.

0:08:49 > 0:08:52But if God was there... Thank you, one person.

0:08:53 > 0:08:58If God was there, I think the first line of the Bible should be, "It's round."

0:08:59 > 0:09:01"Looks flat, but it's round.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04"Yeah, it spins. It's like a big football."

0:09:04 > 0:09:06"Oh, it's very complicated.

0:09:06 > 0:09:10"Imagine you're an ant on a football and you're spinning, but you can't feel it.

0:09:10 > 0:09:12"Shit, shit, shit.

0:09:12 > 0:09:15"Sorry about the slavery.

0:09:15 > 0:09:17"Couldn't get the staff.

0:09:17 > 0:09:20"They seemed to like it.

0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Shit. All right, forget this bit. Right.

0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Ooh, in the beginning was the Word."

0:09:26 > 0:09:31Don't you think? If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

0:09:33 > 0:09:37Don't you think? You know.

0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Oh, I'm not allowed to do anything." Well, fuck off then.

0:09:40 > 0:09:43If you're not allowed to do anything then what's the use?

0:09:43 > 0:09:48Just piss off and stop asking us to mumble things on Sundays.

0:09:50 > 0:09:53"Please, could you possibly mumble positive things towards me

0:09:53 > 0:09:56"on a Sunday in the coldest buildings you can find?"

0:09:58 > 0:10:02"Please, get some of your senior citizens to wear cakes on their heads.

0:10:02 > 0:10:07"And to mumble ridiculously positive things about me."

0:10:07 > 0:10:11So, yes, 4,500 million years ago I do believe

0:10:11 > 0:10:14our Earth started with a 'place your bets' type of spinning thing.

0:10:14 > 0:10:18And then we turn up, human beings, five million years ago.

0:10:18 > 0:10:22Why the big pause? Cos it is a big one. Have you noticed?

0:10:22 > 0:10:264,500 million years minus five million years

0:10:26 > 0:10:31is 4,495 million years of nothing! Well, there was stuff.

0:10:31 > 0:10:33There was bleh and bloo...eurgh.

0:10:33 > 0:10:36I thought dinosaurs ruled the world all that period, but no.

0:10:36 > 0:10:38They were around for 200 million years.

0:10:38 > 0:10:42So, we've been five, they've been 200, and they weren't even ruling.

0:10:42 > 0:10:47Because if they were ruling, on the Steven Spielberg movies, we'd see that dinosaurs were going, "Rargh!

0:10:47 > 0:10:51"Rargh, rargh, rargh, you can go away.

0:10:51 > 0:10:54- "You can stay. And you, I like you. - HE GROWLS

0:10:54 > 0:10:57- HE GROWLS - "And you, I can smell.

0:10:57 > 0:10:59- "You smell of sandwiches. - HE GROWLS

0:10:59 > 0:11:03- HE GROWLS - "You can come, cos I... Rumpy-pumpy.

0:11:03 > 0:11:06"And let's eat him."

0:11:06 > 0:11:09That would be dinosaurs ruling the Earth, but I noticed in the films

0:11:09 > 0:11:12that they seem to just get up in the morning and go, "Rargh!"

0:11:12 > 0:11:18With a look of not bright as a button, you know.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

0:11:22 > 0:11:28And they just go around eating and pooing each other all day for 200 million years!

0:11:28 > 0:11:31Come on, that's not a god making that.

0:11:31 > 0:11:33If God did that, his children would be crazy.

0:11:33 > 0:11:36And I think if he did exist, he had many children.

0:11:36 > 0:11:40I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God.

0:11:40 > 0:11:44A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus.

0:11:44 > 0:11:46- That's just logic. - APPLAUSE

0:11:46 > 0:11:49That's just mathematical.

0:11:49 > 0:11:52And T-sus would always be fucking about.

0:11:52 > 0:11:55P-sus does deliveries.

0:11:55 > 0:12:01C-sus started the Roman Empire, C-sus. F-sus, city in Turkey.

0:12:01 > 0:12:04B-sus was covered in something.

0:12:08 > 0:12:10Some people applauding there, other people going, "What?"

0:12:12 > 0:12:15B-sus was covered in bees.

0:12:16 > 0:12:20But, yeah. Dinosaurs, dinosaurs, just wandering around. No dinosaur poetry. Not clever.

0:12:20 > 0:12:25They weren't going, "I wandered lonely as a cloud over hill

0:12:25 > 0:12:27"blah blah. And I saw a small...

0:12:27 > 0:12:30"And ate him.

0:12:30 > 0:12:34"And then I ate... And then I pooed him out.

0:12:34 > 0:12:37"And that was nice. What a day."

0:12:37 > 0:12:40They didn't go to church. No dinosaur churches.

0:12:40 > 0:12:43Very few dinosaur vicars going, "Welcome, eurgh eurgh.

0:12:43 > 0:12:44"Thank you very much."

0:12:47 > 0:12:49"Hello. Hey."

0:12:50 > 0:12:52"Excuse me."

0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Welcome to today's service.

0:12:55 > 0:13:00"We will now sing hymn 409, All Things Bright And Beautiful."

0:13:00 > 0:13:06# All things bright and beautiful

0:13:06 > 0:13:14# All creatures great and small Rargh!

0:13:14 > 0:13:19# All things wise and wonderful

0:13:19 > 0:13:24# They don't live on the planet at the moment. #

0:13:26 > 0:13:28That scene did not happen.

0:13:30 > 0:13:32Yeah, so,

0:13:32 > 0:13:37not clever. I think most of the dinosaurs were not clever from what I can tell.

0:13:37 > 0:13:39The raptors do seem quite clever.

0:13:39 > 0:13:43Smaller, about our size. They seem to be able to break into rooms.

0:13:43 > 0:13:51Work locks, do computer stuff, download raptor porn. Ah!

0:13:51 > 0:13:54And then run away and not pay. Wooh!

0:13:54 > 0:13:56They could almost pass for us. You put a little porkpie hat

0:13:56 > 0:14:00on a raptor, and it almost looks like a human being.

0:14:00 > 0:14:02"Is this your car, sir?" "No."

0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Do you realise how fast you were going?"

0:14:06 > 0:14:11"Ha ha. I was very busy." "You were going a million miles an hour."

0:14:11 > 0:14:16"Oh, really? Is that over the...over the thing?"

0:14:16 > 0:14:22"Yes. The limit is 30 miles an hour." "Oh? That's... I was very busy."

0:14:24 > 0:14:26"Well, can you show me your documents?"

0:14:26 > 0:14:31"Erm... Argh, huhuh! Good afternoon. I can't... Argh!"

0:14:31 > 0:14:34"It's a raptor! Get me a dustbin lid." Boom!

0:14:34 > 0:14:37"It fucking raptor. Run!

0:14:37 > 0:14:44"Run! No, stay. Chase him. Something." "Eurgh."

0:14:44 > 0:14:46The raptors.

0:14:46 > 0:14:48And then we turn up. The human beings of this world,

0:14:48 > 0:14:54we turn up 5 million years ago and that, I think, is the point where we started to walk erect.

0:14:54 > 0:14:56And I think it must have been a gradual period.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58I don't think we could have just gone whoosh.

0:14:58 > 0:15:01"Oh, this is better.

0:15:01 > 0:15:05"I don't know why we didn't do this a long time ago.

0:15:05 > 0:15:08"Steve, Jeffrey. Come on, try this."

0:15:10 > 0:15:12"I can see clearly now.

0:15:12 > 0:15:14"The rain has gone.

0:15:14 > 0:15:18"I can see all lobsters in my way."

0:15:18 > 0:15:21It really gets interesting around tool time.

0:15:21 > 0:15:25Tool time is the Stone Age. That's when it kicks off. The Stone Age.

0:15:25 > 0:15:29Before the Stone Age, no stones, no tools. Hunting was bizarre.

0:15:29 > 0:15:31"Come on, there's a bison!"

0:15:31 > 0:15:32"Come on, lads!"

0:15:37 > 0:15:38"Will you die, sir?"

0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Die, I tell you. You're in our territory.

0:15:44 > 0:15:46"I peed and pooed all round here.

0:15:46 > 0:15:48"I marked my territory quite clearly."

0:15:50 > 0:15:54"Will... Ow! Will you die, sir? Could you possibly?

0:15:54 > 0:15:57"You could feed a family for nine years."

0:15:57 > 0:16:02"Don't you look at me with those big eyes. Those big cow eyes."

0:16:02 > 0:16:04"This could take hours."

0:16:04 > 0:16:06"Buggering hell.

0:16:06 > 0:16:10"Come on, where are you? How can you be late?

0:16:10 > 0:16:14"It's the Stone Age. There's nothing to be late in the Stone Age for.

0:16:14 > 0:16:18"Bastards." Boom! Thud.

0:16:18 > 0:16:21"Oh. That is much better!"

0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Did you see that? Did you see that?"

0:16:26 > 0:16:28The others come running up.

0:16:28 > 0:16:30"I picked up a stone. I hit the bison.

0:16:30 > 0:16:32"He's just... He's gone. He's dead."

0:16:32 > 0:16:35"This is brilliant, Jeff.

0:16:35 > 0:16:38"This could be the beginning of an age."

0:16:38 > 0:16:41"Well, that's what I was thinking.

0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Provisionally I entitled it The Age Of Big Things Falling Over

0:16:44 > 0:16:47"Cos They're Hit By Small Things Of A Much Denser Material."

0:16:50 > 0:16:52"No, just Stone Age." "Stone Age, yes!

0:16:52 > 0:16:56"You were always better than me at that, weren't you?

0:16:56 > 0:16:57"Weren't you, Siegfried?"

0:17:00 > 0:17:03We're not sure of the names.

0:17:03 > 0:17:07Language was developed 100,000 years ago. Before that, no language.

0:17:07 > 0:17:09Before that also, no religion.

0:17:09 > 0:17:11You can't have religion by grunting.

0:17:11 > 0:17:14It just... You can't get moral ideas out by going, "Eurgh.

0:17:14 > 0:17:19"Weh. Argh." "Ha ha! I suppose so."

0:17:19 > 0:17:23"Eurgh, aboo, waa, ooh."

0:17:23 > 0:17:25"Ha ha, I don't know what you're..."

0:17:25 > 0:17:28While we're here, we may as well do civilisation.

0:17:28 > 0:17:30Just be civil to one another.

0:17:30 > 0:17:35Cos we got the killer thing in. And assassins, they took drugs.

0:17:35 > 0:17:39Maybe as a reward or maybe to make them just jump over the idea of going out and killing people.

0:17:39 > 0:17:41And it was hashish. That's where the word comes from.

0:17:41 > 0:17:43They were hash-assins.

0:17:45 > 0:17:46No, it's true.

0:17:46 > 0:17:49It sounds silly. They were hash-assins.

0:17:49 > 0:17:50Read it, it's on Wikipedia.

0:17:50 > 0:17:53You can look it up on your iPhones while I'm talking to you.

0:17:53 > 0:18:01It's true, I've done it. It's there and they would give them hashish and say, "You are hash-assins now.

0:18:01 > 0:18:06"Help yourself to hashish and then we'll go do hash-assinations."

0:18:06 > 0:18:09"He's off his rocker, isn't he?"

0:18:09 > 0:18:12Cos I do think that hashish is one of the worst...

0:18:12 > 0:18:15It's the wrong drug to give to people who are going to go out and do something.

0:18:15 > 0:18:18Unless you say, "We're going to take over a Mars bar factory,"

0:18:18 > 0:18:22then... "Yeah! Come on."

0:18:22 > 0:18:24There was an empowerment there.

0:18:27 > 0:18:30"We're all going to go and dive into bags of sugar."

0:18:30 > 0:18:33"Yes! Yes, of course!"

0:18:33 > 0:18:37But apart from that, organised hash-assinations is just crazy.

0:18:37 > 0:18:39You get there. "What? What?

0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Hold this, hold this. Get behind the hedge.

0:18:41 > 0:18:47"Get behind the..." Bing-bong.

0:18:50 > 0:18:52"He's not... Oh, he is here."

0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Er, I'm sorry about this.

0:18:57 > 0:19:01We just... We're hash-assins.

0:19:01 > 0:19:03No, we're hash-assins.

0:19:03 > 0:19:05Er...

0:19:05 > 0:19:08We've got to kill you. We're supposed to kill you.

0:19:08 > 0:19:11Do you have a KitKat?"

0:19:11 > 0:19:15"If you've got a KitKat, that's like a get out of jail free card."

0:19:15 > 0:19:17"You have? He's got...

0:19:17 > 0:19:19"Have you got three?

0:19:19 > 0:19:21"Oh, you've got four? He's got a four-bar one.

0:19:21 > 0:19:23"Come on, all right.

0:19:23 > 0:19:27"Shh! Schtumm. Close the door. Fuck off."

0:19:27 > 0:19:29"We should do this everywhere.

0:19:29 > 0:19:31"Get KitKats." Ding-dong.

0:19:31 > 0:19:32"Got KitKats?

0:19:32 > 0:19:35"Or just a KatKit?

0:19:35 > 0:19:39"Like a Meccano cat..." Ah, forget it. Then the guy gets on the roof with a briefcase.

0:19:39 > 0:19:42"I am in position..." "Shush!"

0:19:42 > 0:19:46"Sorry. I am in position on the roof with a briefcase.

0:19:46 > 0:19:47"All right, all right. Yeah.

0:19:47 > 0:19:50"I will assemble it."

0:19:50 > 0:19:52HE CLICKS AND WHOOSHES

0:20:01 > 0:20:03"What the fuck is that?"

0:20:05 > 0:20:10"Attach part A to part B then to part C..."

0:20:10 > 0:20:15"Apply transfers to model aircraft."

0:20:15 > 0:20:18These are the wrong instructions.

0:20:18 > 0:20:20HE WHOOSHES AND CLICKS

0:20:20 > 0:20:22HE IMITATES A MOTOR

0:20:22 > 0:20:24MOTOR SLOWS AND STOPS

0:20:24 > 0:20:28What? Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

0:20:28 > 0:20:31I haven't... I haven't got a gun.

0:20:32 > 0:20:34I have got a vacuum cleaner.

0:20:37 > 0:20:43Yeah. Well, it's in a similar briefcase.

0:20:43 > 0:20:46It just looks... I know, I know.

0:20:46 > 0:20:48I know what you said. I know.

0:20:48 > 0:20:51Don't bring the vacuum cleaner.

0:20:51 > 0:20:55But it's a Dyson Slimline.

0:20:55 > 0:20:57It's really lightweight.

0:20:57 > 0:20:59It's orange.

0:20:59 > 0:21:01The ball type.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03Goes around corners really well.

0:21:05 > 0:21:06All right, all right, I'll pack up here.

0:21:06 > 0:21:09Shall I Hoover up before I go?

0:21:11 > 0:21:13All right. All right. I know, I know.

0:21:13 > 0:21:15Look, I'll throw it at him.

0:21:15 > 0:21:17How's about I throw it at him?

0:21:17 > 0:21:22No, it's not very accurate, but it has a fantastic element of surprise.

0:21:25 > 0:21:31And we now, I think, in modern days, maybe we have more of a sense, more of an empathy with people.

0:21:31 > 0:21:35We can see horrors going on. We saw the tsunami. We saw the thing in Mumbai.

0:21:35 > 0:21:39We've seen films. Maybe it's not visceral, but you can...

0:21:39 > 0:21:44You get a very good visual sense of what has gone on in the past.

0:21:44 > 0:21:48Back in the Battle of Hastings time, you didn't have a clue what happened in the battle.

0:21:48 > 0:21:51You were either in that battle, or you just fucking forget it.

0:21:51 > 0:21:54Or you watch a tapestry.

0:21:54 > 0:21:59The Bayeux Tapestry tells you in panels what's going on, but...

0:21:59 > 0:22:02It's weavers, weavers were the war correspondents.

0:22:02 > 0:22:05Weavers were the photo-journalists of the day, going, "Come on! Come on!"

0:22:08 > 0:22:12"Oh, my God. Look at that. Get that down, Kelly. Put that here.

0:22:12 > 0:22:13"What are they doing?

0:22:13 > 0:22:16"Oh, God. Keep moving. Keep moving.

0:22:16 > 0:22:20"Don't look at the weavers. Just move on."

0:22:20 > 0:22:23"Do some weird haircuts for the boys, all right?

0:22:23 > 0:22:26"Give 'em a bit of a laugh, eh?"

0:22:26 > 0:22:28"Willie! Big Willie! Give him a wave.

0:22:28 > 0:22:32"Hey, Big Willie. Good luck." "That's the Duke of Normandy, the bastard."

0:22:32 > 0:22:34"Come on, win, you bastards. Shoot someone in the eye.

0:22:34 > 0:22:36"We've already done that panel."

0:22:38 > 0:22:40"I've sewn this to my leg. Is that a problem?"

0:22:43 > 0:22:45So we were hunter-gatherers. We hunted and gathered.

0:22:45 > 0:22:48I would have elected to be, I would have chosen to be a hunter.

0:22:48 > 0:22:51It seems more fun. It seems more dangerous and more eurgh!

0:22:51 > 0:22:53You put face paint on your thing. It's make-up.

0:22:53 > 0:22:57It's almost me, Action Transvestite. That's what hunter-gatherers were. We see it with the Native Americans.

0:22:57 > 0:23:00We're there.

0:23:00 > 0:23:04We all looked pretty good. That was the one upside of the Stone Age period.

0:23:04 > 0:23:09We looked fucking fantastic, man. "Come on, let's go hunting just in underwear. Come on!

0:23:09 > 0:23:13"Janine, Stavros, Kenny, Rogers!" Two people. "Come on."

0:23:13 > 0:23:16"We look brilliant. In fact, hold me over a pond, will you?

0:23:16 > 0:23:18"I want to see what I look like."

0:23:18 > 0:23:21The only way you could look at yourself in the old days.

0:23:21 > 0:23:24Everyone looked a little bit hangy-downy.

0:23:24 > 0:23:27"I look a bit hangy-downy."

0:23:27 > 0:23:30So that was it. 10,000 years ago, the ice went away going,

0:23:30 > 0:23:35"Bye! Bye! Good luck with civilisation. Invent fridges."

0:23:38 > 0:23:44And off they went. And that is when the hunter-gatherer period moved into the agrarian period. Farming.

0:23:44 > 0:23:46Farming is a step up in civilisation. More cultivated.

0:23:46 > 0:23:50Groups and communities can grow. But it's a step down in sexiness.

0:23:50 > 0:23:52There are no farming films.

0:23:52 > 0:23:57No "Farming. Bruce Willis in Farming. Farming III."

0:23:57 > 0:23:59"He was just a farmer.

0:23:59 > 0:24:04"Someone stole his beans." "You fucking stole my beans, MacGruder.

0:24:04 > 0:24:07"I'll chase you on my yak." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:08 > 0:24:12"You'll never catch me. I have a yak, too." Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:12 > 0:24:14It's on Top Yak. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:14 > 0:24:18One of the best yaks in the world. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

0:24:18 > 0:24:20Not exciting films.

0:24:20 > 0:24:23"Look, the grass is growing." Dun, dun, dun.

0:24:23 > 0:24:29And that's why farmers keep animals, to make it more rock 'n' roll. More exciting.

0:24:29 > 0:24:32Most of the animals they keep by choice are noisy animals.

0:24:32 > 0:24:38Cows go moo and sheep go baa and dogs go woof and cats go woof and pigs go woof and...horses go hrrr.

0:24:38 > 0:24:40And donkeys go eeyore.

0:24:40 > 0:24:44And pigs go onk. No. Woof or crack.

0:24:44 > 0:24:47No, they don't go crack. Maybe they take crack. I'm not sure.

0:24:47 > 0:24:50Jury's still out on that one.

0:24:50 > 0:24:52Eurgh! Ducks, geese, all noisy bastards.

0:24:52 > 0:24:54They keep no snails.

0:24:56 > 0:25:00No badgers, no stoats, no weasels, no, er, rabbits.

0:25:00 > 0:25:06All very quiet. Gazelles make no noise, except for this noise. Phwaong!

0:25:06 > 0:25:09Because they leap. You couldn't farm gazelles, could you?

0:25:09 > 0:25:12You'd have to keep them in a bag.

0:25:12 > 0:25:14"You want a gazelle, mate?"

0:25:14 > 0:25:15"Yeah, all right."

0:25:18 > 0:25:21That's not a gazelle. That's an eel.

0:25:21 > 0:25:22Shit. Got the wrong bag.

0:25:25 > 0:25:29"Here you go." Phwaong! "Oh, it's gone."

0:25:29 > 0:25:32They have wings, you see. In the early days.

0:25:32 > 0:25:34You can tell by...

0:25:34 > 0:25:37Giraffes! Giraffes have no safety noise. They don't have one.

0:25:37 > 0:25:40Like, chickens have a safety noise, which is cock-a-doodle-doo.

0:25:40 > 0:25:42Unless you wedge a trumpet on their face.

0:25:42 > 0:25:44And then it's driddlet, driddlet, duh!

0:25:46 > 0:25:51And you can train a chicken to do jazz, which I would encourage all farmers to do.

0:25:51 > 0:25:56Then the farmer's wife would say, "What the hell is that?" "That's my jazz chicken."

0:25:56 > 0:26:00IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:26:00 > 0:26:03"But how does he make an embouchure? He has a beak."

0:26:03 > 0:26:06"I wedged a mango in there."

0:26:07 > 0:26:09"Oh, you box clever there."

0:26:09 > 0:26:14And he wouldn't actually wake you up, would he? It'd be like a permanent snooze button.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16"And now it's 6am and jazz chicken."

0:26:16 > 0:26:19IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:26:23 > 0:26:2712 noon and people are going, "Milk me, motherfucker, milk me!

0:26:27 > 0:26:29"Get this milk out of me!

0:26:29 > 0:26:31"Someone plug in, for God's sake.

0:26:31 > 0:26:34"I've got to rub myself against a tree."

0:26:34 > 0:26:36We don't know how.

0:26:36 > 0:26:40How did feral cows milk themselves in the old days before farming?

0:26:40 > 0:26:43There must have been wild cows in the old days.

0:26:43 > 0:26:44Cows who were crazy. Wild!

0:26:47 > 0:26:49"Fuck you, buddy."

0:26:50 > 0:26:53Cows who would drive through the streets in cars.

0:26:53 > 0:26:55"Is this your car, sir?" "Moo."

0:27:00 > 0:27:03"Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo."

0:27:04 > 0:27:07"Yah!"

0:27:07 > 0:27:09"Is this your friend?" "Ha ha, yeah."

0:27:11 > 0:27:12"Moo."

0:27:15 > 0:27:20- IMITATES POLICE RADIO - "Er, Sarge, I think there's a raptor and a cow in a car."

0:27:22 > 0:27:25"Get everything here."

0:27:25 > 0:27:27"What do you mean everything?"

0:27:27 > 0:27:30"I mean everything!"

0:27:30 > 0:27:31As Gary would say.

0:27:33 > 0:27:38"Moo." "Do you realise how fast you were going?" "Moo."

0:27:38 > 0:27:41"You were doing three miles an hour."

0:27:41 > 0:27:42"Moo?"

0:27:42 > 0:27:47- ENGINE SPEEDS UP - He's going faster now.

0:27:49 > 0:27:54But giraffes have no emergency sound.

0:27:54 > 0:27:58If a giraffe sees a tiger in Africa, it would have alarm and surprise as two of its main emotions.

0:27:58 > 0:28:01Two of the emotions of the Spanish Inquisition.

0:28:03 > 0:28:05Fear. Well, fear and surprise. Fear because, "Oh. it tiger."

0:28:05 > 0:28:10And surprise because it's a tiger and there aren't any in Africa.

0:28:10 > 0:28:12So what's it doing there?

0:28:12 > 0:28:14Is it on holiday?

0:28:17 > 0:28:20Have they come over with pirates?

0:28:20 > 0:28:22Through the Gulf of Aden? My hometown.

0:28:22 > 0:28:26So, yeah. And it would turn to its friends and say nothing.

0:28:26 > 0:28:30It has no brr-brr, cacaw cacaw, fung, dyka.

0:28:30 > 0:28:35Nothing. It should hire a jazz chicken to sit on its back and go...

0:28:35 > 0:28:37IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING A TRUMPET

0:28:39 > 0:28:41Or the jazz chicken could go...

0:28:41 > 0:28:45IMITATES A CHICKEN PLAYING BEE SOUNDS ON A TRUMPET

0:28:45 > 0:28:47He could do that.

0:28:49 > 0:28:52And then it'll go, "There are bees coming!" "Not bees."

0:28:54 > 0:28:57It has no way of saying tiger, so...

0:28:57 > 0:29:00But it can cough. If you look on Wikipedia, they can cough

0:29:00 > 0:29:05and so that's what they must use, the very British method of pointing out alarming things.

0:29:07 > 0:29:09HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:29:15 > 0:29:17HE COUGHS

0:29:17 > 0:29:20"There's a tiger over there."

0:29:23 > 0:29:28"Ahem... Tiger. Ahem... Tiger over there.

0:29:28 > 0:29:30"There's a fucking great big tiger.

0:29:30 > 0:29:31- HE COUGHS - "Tiger at 4 o'clock."

0:29:36 > 0:29:37"Film."

0:29:39 > 0:29:41"Two syllables. First syllable.

0:29:41 > 0:29:43"Sounds like."

0:29:45 > 0:29:47- HE MUMBLES - "No, first syllable."

0:29:47 > 0:29:49"First syllable."

0:29:59 > 0:30:01Tie? Tie?

0:30:04 > 0:30:09Second syllable, sounds like... Grr.

0:30:13 > 0:30:14Tie... Grr?

0:30:14 > 0:30:17Grr?

0:30:17 > 0:30:19Tie-grr?

0:30:22 > 0:30:24Ti-ger?

0:30:24 > 0:30:25Ti-ger.

0:30:40 > 0:30:44And then they do go. You see them go. Like, "Get the fuck outta here."

0:30:44 > 0:30:46And where do they go to?

0:30:46 > 0:30:51Where do they go to?

0:30:52 > 0:30:54The giraffes who run.

0:30:54 > 0:30:57Well, they're taller than Africa, that savannah bit.

0:30:57 > 0:31:00They're so tall, they must hide behind giraffes, that's what I've worked out.

0:31:00 > 0:31:03One giraffe is here and then the other giraffes just line out.

0:31:03 > 0:31:08Just saying, "Stay in line. Back a bit, back a bit." Forward, forward a bit. Back a bit.

0:31:08 > 0:31:12And the giraffe pretends, at this point, he pretends to be the Eiffel Tower.

0:31:12 > 0:31:15C'est fantastique. C'est tres belle.

0:31:15 > 0:31:19Oh, Paris bon nuit. C'est si belle.

0:31:19 > 0:31:22# Boom, fish and chicken...

0:31:22 > 0:31:25# Sur la plage, quell dommage

0:31:25 > 0:31:26# Qu'elle sausage. #

0:31:26 > 0:31:28Tu m'appelles, oui ma mere.

0:31:28 > 0:31:31The tiger's walking around going, "Where are we?"

0:31:31 > 0:31:36We were in Asia, then Africa, now we're in France.

0:31:36 > 0:31:38I can't stand this. Give me the iPhone.

0:31:44 > 0:31:46Noah, he knew about animals. Oh, yes, he did.

0:31:46 > 0:31:52And he's mentioned in the Bible, which I think are oral histories. I think it did happen.

0:31:52 > 0:31:55There was a flood, there's flood stories mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible.

0:31:55 > 0:31:57We saw the tsunami, we know they happen.

0:31:57 > 0:32:03Now, the big point is, did God tell him to make a boat or did Noah just use his Captain Common Sense?

0:32:03 > 0:32:05Cos a number of us, if we were somewhere where it was raining

0:32:05 > 0:32:10and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining and raining, and we had a big pile of wood,

0:32:10 > 0:32:15some of us might put two and two together and go, "I'm going to make a bloody boat."

0:32:15 > 0:32:17Others might go, "I'm going to make a hairdresser's.

0:32:17 > 0:32:19"I'm going to build a monkey emporium."

0:32:19 > 0:32:23"I'm going to build a big set of wooden shoes

0:32:23 > 0:32:25"that would fit a giant."

0:32:25 > 0:32:27But he made a boat.

0:32:27 > 0:32:29He was quite sensible.

0:32:29 > 0:32:31And what did he put on the boat? His family. What else? Animals.

0:32:31 > 0:32:33Which animals? Any he could find.

0:32:33 > 0:32:36Did he put two of every animal in the world on the boat? No!

0:32:36 > 0:32:38How can I be so sure?

0:32:38 > 0:32:40Try it.

0:32:40 > 0:32:46Just try it. It's impossible. And there is such a word as impossible.

0:32:46 > 0:32:49It is impossible to eat the Himalayas.

0:32:49 > 0:32:53"There's no such word as can't." Well, try eating the bloody Himalayas.

0:32:53 > 0:32:56"Oh, I got full after about two mountains."

0:32:56 > 0:32:57You're not going to get through that.

0:32:57 > 0:33:01So, he was there and he built this boat.

0:33:01 > 0:33:03And just trying to get everything on there would be a nightmare.

0:33:03 > 0:33:07And it had to be everything, from two dung beetles up to two giant squid. All of them.

0:33:07 > 0:33:12All the fish had to be there because we know they were bad, some of them. Sharks are bad, you know?

0:33:12 > 0:33:16Very few good sharks. Very few sharks say, "We've found a child.

0:33:17 > 0:33:22He was swimming about, having a bad time

0:33:22 > 0:33:26We were going to eat him, but we thought it is not our way any more.

0:33:26 > 0:33:32Since the Geneva Convention on sharks, the agreement that sharks made with humans.

0:33:32 > 0:33:36We took his leg but that is our trade.

0:33:36 > 0:33:39We call him Stumpy.

0:33:39 > 0:33:42Or Thumper. I think his name is Kenneth.

0:33:42 > 0:33:46So, Noah would be there, saying, "All right, Margaret.

0:33:46 > 0:33:48Margaret, just stuff them all over the boat.

0:33:48 > 0:33:51Lash one giant squid to the roof.

0:33:51 > 0:33:53Just do it. It's raining, Margaret, it doesn't matter.

0:33:53 > 0:33:56Just put them anywhere. Shove them in cupboards.

0:33:56 > 0:33:59A giant squid sticking out of the cupboards going, "There's no towels.

0:33:59 > 0:34:02"Is she there? No towels."

0:34:02 > 0:34:04Giant squid diary, day one.

0:34:04 > 0:34:08Got to the boat. Everything rather damp. Must inform Trip Advisor.

0:34:08 > 0:34:12Seem to be running out of ink.

0:34:16 > 0:34:20Met a number of animals, interesting ones. Cat, dog, squirrel, a mouse.

0:34:20 > 0:34:22I will eat them later.

0:34:22 > 0:34:26I can't find Horace. Think he's latched to the roof.

0:34:26 > 0:34:29And the whole two by two thing doesn't work. Two by two animals?

0:34:29 > 0:34:31All right, here we go. Kids, we're going to get them up two by two.

0:34:31 > 0:34:35Two tigers, two cats, two dogs, two fish.

0:34:35 > 0:34:41Two rabbits, two squirrels, two llamas, two blue things, two zebras.

0:34:41 > 0:34:43"How many is that?" "That?

0:34:43 > 0:34:45"So far? Two tigers, Dad."

0:34:49 > 0:34:52"What do you mean?"

0:34:52 > 0:34:55"Oh, no. What happened?" "It just seemed to...

0:34:55 > 0:34:58"It became a Wendy's all-you-can-eat kind of..."

0:34:58 > 0:35:01Do we have a psychotherapist on board? Because I think

0:35:01 > 0:35:03I need to readjust after that.

0:35:03 > 0:35:06It wouldn't work. Lions and tigers eat everything.

0:35:06 > 0:35:11It's like putting students on a boat with a load of cake mix, isn't it?

0:35:11 > 0:35:14It would just be a munching fest.

0:35:14 > 0:35:19I've been up close to a lion and they just do that. And after 40 days and 40 nights of rain...

0:35:19 > 0:35:20Which is 40 days of rain, isn't it?

0:35:20 > 0:35:23The nights are implicit, for God's sake.

0:35:23 > 0:35:25It's a month and a bit of rain. Don't drag it out.

0:35:25 > 0:35:30"40 lunchtimes and 40 afternoon teas."

0:35:30 > 0:35:31Just padding out the Bible.

0:35:31 > 0:35:36After that period of time, they'd be there, from the Bible, on the bit of land, saying, "We're here.

0:35:36 > 0:35:39"As the ark makes landfall, what a historic day.

0:35:39 > 0:35:43"God's plan has worked. The ark has made it with two of everything."

0:35:43 > 0:35:47"And here they come, this is Noah and his family first. Trying to get a word in.

0:35:47 > 0:35:51They're rushing away, they're probably meeting some friends, late for a dinner appointment.

0:35:51 > 0:35:53And lions and tigers, there they go.

0:35:53 > 0:35:56Well, they're chasing... Made friends already, I suppose.

0:35:56 > 0:36:00No one else at the moment, must be packing.

0:36:00 > 0:36:03Just getting their things together. What a wonderful, glorious day.

0:36:03 > 0:36:05Here comes a squirrel, just running out, there.

0:36:05 > 0:36:09"Mr Squirrel, how did it go?" "It was a nightmare, man.

0:36:09 > 0:36:11"Don't go there. It was crazy.

0:36:11 > 0:36:13"They killed everything. Those stripy bastards,

0:36:13 > 0:36:15"they killed everything, man. There's nothing there, man.

0:36:15 > 0:36:19"It's all dead, all dead, it's like a ghost ship.

0:36:19 > 0:36:21"I escaped, I hid in a colander."

0:36:26 > 0:36:30"Oh, shit. You gotta write that down in the Bible. It was a bad plan, man, bad plan."

0:36:30 > 0:36:32"What happened to your wife? She got away.

0:36:32 > 0:36:35"Got away in a boat with an owl and a cat."

0:36:38 > 0:36:41"Did they take anything with them?"

0:36:41 > 0:36:42"Yeah, they took spoons and a helicopter.

0:36:42 > 0:36:47"A little toy one and a Gatling gun."

0:36:47 > 0:36:50"An owl and a pussy-cat went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat.

0:36:50 > 0:36:53"They took some spoons, a helicopter and a Gatling gun?"

0:36:53 > 0:36:58"Yeah. It's not poetry."

0:37:00 > 0:37:02So, civilisation.

0:37:02 > 0:37:07That's what we're about. And, while we're here, cos I don't think there's actually a reason

0:37:07 > 0:37:09why we're here, but while we're here we may as well try and be civilised.

0:37:09 > 0:37:11It's just a little bit British.

0:37:11 > 0:37:16Just a little bit getting up in the morning and saying, "Hello, how are you?" Walking on.

0:37:19 > 0:37:21"Can't stand the man, myself."

0:37:27 > 0:37:29It's a little bit like that.

0:37:29 > 0:37:33And the Egyptians and the Sumerians, they started it off.

0:37:33 > 0:37:36They started the ball rolling about 5,000 years ago.

0:37:36 > 0:37:38They said, "Come on, irrigation. That's a good thing."

0:37:38 > 0:37:42And the pharaohs were going, "I'm 12 years old, I could die sometime."

0:37:42 > 0:37:47"But you're very young, sir." "Yeah, I could die, so I want to die in a pointy thing."

0:37:47 > 0:37:51"All right, we'll make one. About head height?" "A mile high."

0:37:51 > 0:37:53Bloody 12-year-olds.

0:37:53 > 0:37:57"Come on, lads. Cut some rock."

0:37:57 > 0:38:01And it was all kind of sandy, and they worshipped Ra. The Sun god, Ra.

0:38:01 > 0:38:04They had a song. # Ra, hurrah for Ra

0:38:04 > 0:38:06# He's up there near the stars.

0:38:06 > 0:38:07# But they're not there, they've gone somewhere else

0:38:07 > 0:38:09# And he is there, it's up there

0:38:09 > 0:38:10# It's quite hot, it's hot

0:38:10 > 0:38:11# It makes all our ground crappy

0:38:11 > 0:38:13# And that's why we have irrigation

0:38:13 > 0:38:14# La, la, la, la

0:38:14 > 0:38:15# Ra, Ra. #

0:38:15 > 0:38:18I'm not sure what the song was.

0:38:18 > 0:38:20But it was something in that area.

0:38:20 > 0:38:24And the worshipping of the Sun god, that is the circle behind

0:38:24 > 0:38:27Mary's head. Mary and Baby G, you know they've got the circle?

0:38:27 > 0:38:31And you grew up thinking that meant they were very, very good? Very, very good.

0:38:31 > 0:38:34Or the Colgate ring of confidence, remember that one?

0:38:34 > 0:38:37Actually, it means sun worshipping.

0:38:37 > 0:38:39It was slid in behind Christianity.

0:38:39 > 0:38:43Christianity, hello. Cos Christians worship Chris, of course.

0:38:46 > 0:38:50That's what it should be about. Christmas is when we remember Chris.

0:38:51 > 0:38:58And how he so brilliantly landed on that pagan ritual of being born on the 25th of December.

0:39:00 > 0:39:04What is it with Christianity? There was all these pagan religions, and then Christianity went... Boof!

0:39:05 > 0:39:07That seems to fit.

0:39:09 > 0:39:13Well, it was. And all those people...

0:39:13 > 0:39:17A lot of churches are built on pagan sites. So, people turn up for their pagan rituals.

0:39:17 > 0:39:22"Let's go and worship on the Feast of Bingo. Woah.

0:39:22 > 0:39:24"Where the fuck did this come from?

0:39:24 > 0:39:26"Ooh! It's not Bingo any more.

0:39:26 > 0:39:30"It's Mr Chris."

0:39:30 > 0:39:34"Oh, let's worship him then, shall we? Whoever's here, we'll worship."

0:39:37 > 0:39:40So, the Egyptians did a number of groovy things.

0:39:40 > 0:39:425,000 years they were there.

0:39:42 > 0:39:46And they invented a language, a language, written up on there.

0:39:46 > 0:39:49And it was a nightmare for newsreaders.

0:39:51 > 0:39:53Here is the news in Egypt.

0:39:53 > 0:39:54Man with a hat, man with a hat, dog.

0:39:54 > 0:39:58Dog with a gun, walking, pig, pig, pig coming, man.

0:39:58 > 0:40:01Duck with a gun, thing, man.

0:40:01 > 0:40:04There's an eyeball walking along.

0:40:04 > 0:40:07Chicken with a banjo. Dog, really powerful dog comes along.

0:40:07 > 0:40:11And the cat got him in an arm lock.

0:40:11 > 0:40:14Three things, big eye, big eye, fish, cat.

0:40:14 > 0:40:19It seems the orgy in the zoo continues into its seventh year.

0:40:20 > 0:40:22That's what I'm guessing.

0:40:22 > 0:40:25Anyway, here's the weather with Janine.

0:40:25 > 0:40:27Thank you. It'll be sunny forever.

0:40:30 > 0:40:33And now, the Greeks.

0:40:33 > 0:40:38So, the Greeks came in, cos the Egyptians all died in a car crash.

0:40:38 > 0:40:42And the Greeks, they had democracy.

0:40:42 > 0:40:45Two Greek words. Demos means people.

0:40:45 > 0:40:48Ocracy is a kind of inflatable cat,

0:40:48 > 0:40:53full of helium. Going, "Vote now, vote now."

0:40:53 > 0:40:57Kind of like Blade Runner, in my mind.

0:40:57 > 0:41:01So, they had democracy, which is great. And it took off, there.

0:41:01 > 0:41:04It flowered through the Roman period. 500 years of democracy.

0:41:04 > 0:41:06- And then it went... - BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:41:06 > 0:41:08Somewhere around Caesar, the third son of God.

0:41:13 > 0:41:16And they also, not only had that, they had the Spartans.

0:41:16 > 0:41:20The Spartans were... The elite fighters of today are based on the Spartans.

0:41:20 > 0:41:23And the Spartans were just crazy. Get up in the morning.

0:41:23 > 0:41:25HE YAWNS

0:41:26 > 0:41:29Kids! Dad!

0:41:29 > 0:41:31Spears! Aargh!

0:41:32 > 0:41:35Breakfast.

0:41:35 > 0:41:37How many did you get? Got eight?

0:41:37 > 0:41:39I got seven.

0:41:39 > 0:41:41Just mayhem.

0:41:41 > 0:41:44Death by numbers.

0:41:44 > 0:41:47Yeah, the Spartans. The men, of course, were HUH. But the women were also HUH!

0:41:47 > 0:41:51The children were HUH! And the dogs were woof, and the cats were woof.

0:41:51 > 0:41:54The slugs were hehhh.

0:41:54 > 0:41:57And the sheep, shh, silent.

0:41:57 > 0:41:59The most deadly sheep in the world.

0:41:59 > 0:42:02They were the only predator sheep the world has ever known.

0:42:02 > 0:42:05They would wear bandanas, like the kamikaze pilots.

0:42:05 > 0:42:09With ancient sheep runes on them.

0:42:09 > 0:42:11They had not a clue what they meant.

0:42:11 > 0:42:13And they would sneak up on wolves.

0:42:13 > 0:42:15They would creep up in the dead of night.

0:42:15 > 0:42:18Shh. They would never make a bleat.

0:42:18 > 0:42:22The wolves would wake and go, "Sheep!"

0:42:22 > 0:42:25"What? I'm the wolf who cried sheep!"

0:42:28 > 0:42:31And the irony was writ large upon them.

0:42:32 > 0:42:34And the sheep would be in a stand-off with the wolves.

0:42:34 > 0:42:37Cos they knew they were more powerful, but the sheep were brave.

0:42:37 > 0:42:41And the sheep would take a rusty blade and they would say, "Look at this!"

0:42:41 > 0:42:43And they would shear themselves.

0:42:46 > 0:42:47"Come on!"

0:42:49 > 0:42:52"I've got my jacket off now.

0:42:52 > 0:42:54"You want to come outside?"

0:42:54 > 0:42:58And the wolves would go, "We are outside."

0:42:58 > 0:42:59"Let's fight, motherfucker."

0:43:03 > 0:43:07And the wolves would go, "This is not in the book."

0:43:07 > 0:43:09"Grab their clothes and run."

0:43:16 > 0:43:20As the audience realised where the joke was,

0:43:20 > 0:43:24the wolves in sheep's clothing would run down the hill.

0:43:24 > 0:43:28Run into a local market, buy Slurpees, run off and never pay.

0:43:28 > 0:43:32"Hey, I thought they were sheep." "They were wolves in sheep's clothing."

0:43:32 > 0:43:36"I didn't know. New thing to me."

0:43:36 > 0:43:40And it started a whole spate of that, wolves in sheep's clothing, dogs in cats' clothing.

0:43:40 > 0:43:42Pigs in giraffes' clothing.

0:43:42 > 0:43:45Which looked odd.

0:43:45 > 0:43:47And ants in elephants' clothing.

0:43:47 > 0:43:49Which was the biggest bluff of all.

0:43:49 > 0:43:52"Move or we will trample you."

0:43:52 > 0:43:56"You're the flattest elephants I've ever seen."

0:43:56 > 0:43:58"We are covert elephants.

0:43:58 > 0:44:02"Worked for the national secret people.

0:44:02 > 0:44:05"We're taking leaves back to our nests."

0:44:05 > 0:44:08"Elephants don't have nests."

0:44:09 > 0:44:10"Shit.

0:44:10 > 0:44:14"We will trample you

0:44:14 > 0:44:17"with our noses."

0:44:17 > 0:44:20Deezz, said the man.

0:44:23 > 0:44:25Forget that scene.

0:44:25 > 0:44:30I like the scene up to there, but I don't know where it goes after that. Suddenly a cow turned up.

0:44:30 > 0:44:34"Moo." "You again?"

0:44:34 > 0:44:35"Moo."

0:44:35 > 0:44:38"Can you give me lift to the shops?" "Moo."

0:44:38 > 0:44:40"Is that a yes or a no?"

0:44:45 > 0:44:48"Moo." "All right, I'm coming with you."

0:45:00 > 0:45:02"Stop writing on the windows."

0:45:02 > 0:45:04"I thought you just said moo?"

0:45:05 > 0:45:07"Moo."

0:45:17 > 0:45:18Just moving that mime away.

0:45:21 > 0:45:26So, Spartans! They fought the battle of Thermopylae.

0:45:26 > 0:45:31The Battle of Thermopylae, made into a film called On The Good Ship Lollipop.

0:45:31 > 0:45:36That was the first film about it. It's an anagram - On the Good Ship Lollipop, Battle of Thermopylae.

0:45:36 > 0:45:38It's exactly the same letters.

0:45:38 > 0:45:42It's ALMOST exactly the same letters.

0:45:43 > 0:45:48It was a Shirley Temple film. She was in her Jodie Foster Taxi Driver period.

0:45:48 > 0:45:50She was trying to do more edgy children's films.

0:45:50 > 0:45:54But anyway, she wanted... "I want to make film, one about the Spartans.

0:45:54 > 0:45:56"About the Spartans at Thermopylae." They said, all right.

0:45:56 > 0:45:58And it was On the Good Ship Lollipop, and they did that.

0:45:58 > 0:46:02# On the good ship... # Argh!

0:46:05 > 0:46:08Shirley! Spartan!

0:46:09 > 0:46:11# Lollipop... #

0:46:14 > 0:46:19But they tested it on children in America and the children actually exploded.

0:46:21 > 0:46:23Shit, they're going!

0:46:23 > 0:46:26So, they decided to edit all the violence out of the film, and you can't tell.

0:46:26 > 0:46:30If you watch the film, you can't tell, except if you look at Shirley, when

0:46:30 > 0:46:35she turns in a certain light, you can just see a little bit of blood coming out of here, down her chin.

0:46:37 > 0:46:41But the Spartans were crazy. They would oil themselves before battle, so no one could take them alive.

0:46:41 > 0:46:44I got him! Hang on.

0:46:47 > 0:46:49These guys, it's like fighting fish over here, Xerxes.

0:46:49 > 0:46:52Xerxes, put the Scrabble board down, mate.

0:46:53 > 0:46:55Who invented travel Scrabble?

0:46:59 > 0:47:02Come on, we're trying to do something here. These blokes...

0:47:02 > 0:47:07And they were tactically very clever because 300 Spartans against 50,000, 100,000 Persians?

0:47:07 > 0:47:09No one knows how many Persians.

0:47:09 > 0:47:12They now think it could have been all the Persians.

0:47:12 > 0:47:14Persia was empty that day, they believe.

0:47:14 > 0:47:18If you'd walked into Persia, just empty, except for cats and carpets.

0:47:22 > 0:47:24People just helping themselves.

0:47:24 > 0:47:29We're here on the border of Persia and there's just people with carpets...

0:47:30 > 0:47:32and cats trying to protect them.

0:47:32 > 0:47:35Give us a carpet. Get away with a carpet.

0:47:35 > 0:47:38Vote now.

0:47:38 > 0:47:40The Spartans were clever as well, tactically clever.

0:47:40 > 0:47:42They got the Persians to attack them in a very narrow place,

0:47:42 > 0:47:45which was the corridor of a student union party.

0:47:47 > 0:47:49Get our cake mix out the window!

0:47:49 > 0:47:50Take the booze, run!

0:47:50 > 0:47:52Take the Watney's Red Barrel!

0:47:55 > 0:47:58I didn't have that, no. It was more Tennent's.

0:47:58 > 0:48:00Cans of lager.

0:48:00 > 0:48:04Anyway... So, yes, so that was the Spartans.

0:48:04 > 0:48:08Greeks fought in the phalanx. They would have a whole group of people with 20 foot spears.

0:48:08 > 0:48:10You couldn't get at them, they had 20 foot spears.

0:48:10 > 0:48:15Unless one of your group was crazy enough to say, don't worry, I'll lead the way! A-ha!

0:48:17 > 0:48:19Sacrifice himself on the spear.

0:48:19 > 0:48:21Ha ha ha ha!

0:48:25 > 0:48:26Ha ha!

0:48:26 > 0:48:28Argh!

0:48:30 > 0:48:32Oh, God...

0:48:37 > 0:48:40Ha ha ha!

0:48:40 > 0:48:42Whoa hoo!

0:48:42 > 0:48:44Ha! Oh, I can't do that.

0:48:44 > 0:48:48Thunk! Thunk! Thunk! Thunk!

0:48:49 > 0:48:51Shit.

0:48:52 > 0:48:54Ha ha ha ha!

0:48:54 > 0:48:57Ha ha! Argh!

0:48:57 > 0:48:59Ha ha ha.

0:48:59 > 0:49:00Eurgh.

0:49:06 > 0:49:09Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha!

0:49:09 > 0:49:11Told you.

0:49:11 > 0:49:13Extra two foot on my spear.

0:49:15 > 0:49:18God, he's heavy. I'm going to wiggle him off the end.

0:49:22 > 0:49:24Thunk! Thunk! Oh, crap!

0:49:31 > 0:49:34They'll think you're signalling! I'm not, I'm just trying to get

0:49:34 > 0:49:37a dead guy off the end of my spear.

0:49:39 > 0:49:41They'll probably think he's a pole vaulter having a really weird...

0:49:41 > 0:49:43Having a real tough day at the office.

0:49:53 > 0:49:56These gigs are just for me, you realise.

0:50:02 > 0:50:07Come off my spear! Bastard!

0:50:09 > 0:50:11Hang on. OK.

0:50:11 > 0:50:16OK, I can't see anything. I can't see anything.

0:50:18 > 0:50:21Hang on, hang on... OK.

0:50:21 > 0:50:22I'm good.

0:50:26 > 0:50:29Then the Romans came in with a short, pointy sword, turned it sideways and went... Ha ha!

0:50:31 > 0:50:33Hang on, hang on, hang on!

0:50:39 > 0:50:45Welcome to the second line of defence.

0:50:45 > 0:50:47I'm just going to get a sherbet or something.

0:50:48 > 0:50:51The Romans took over everything, they built aqueducts, viaducts.

0:50:51 > 0:50:53They could move ducks around faster than anyone ever had.

0:50:55 > 0:50:58Everyone was confused by this brilliant move

0:50:58 > 0:51:02that meant that ducks were always in difficult places to get at.

0:51:02 > 0:51:05You never knew... Where were these ducks coming from?

0:51:05 > 0:51:07Even the ducks were going, we don't know why we're here.

0:51:07 > 0:51:11And the Roman's going, I think they're supposed to be on water, really.

0:51:11 > 0:51:13And the men seemed to rule the empires.

0:51:13 > 0:51:16In fact, the women ruled the empires with the use of poison.

0:51:16 > 0:51:22And the men would say, I, Lucius, I will kill Gaius Cassius and I will be Emperor of Rome.

0:51:22 > 0:51:25And the women would say, good luck, Lucius, have a peach before you go.

0:51:25 > 0:51:27Thank you, Calpurnia.

0:51:27 > 0:51:28People of Rome...

0:51:31 > 0:51:35Now my young, three-year-old idiot duck son will become...

0:51:37 > 0:51:40Quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack!

0:51:43 > 0:51:46The Romans did a hell of a lot, man.

0:51:46 > 0:51:49They did a hell of a lot, very industrious, very good at killing, death by death.

0:51:51 > 0:51:54Death by killing with big, pointy things.

0:51:54 > 0:51:58They were good at that, but they did this with a language which we know from school is silly.

0:51:58 > 0:52:01It's too bloody complicated.

0:52:01 > 0:52:04It's just got nouns that are masculine, feminine, neuter,

0:52:04 > 0:52:07bisexual, hermaphrodite and straight transvestite.

0:52:07 > 0:52:13They have an accusative, a nominative, a vocative, a locative, an ablative, a dative and genitive.

0:52:13 > 0:52:16Couldn't they have had 19 more?

0:52:16 > 0:52:18I mean why stop at 27?

0:52:18 > 0:52:21I mean, it goes on. If somebody says, do you want a beer?

0:52:21 > 0:52:25You are stuck in the idea of I'm the object, I.

0:52:25 > 0:52:27The beer's the object. No, I want a beer.

0:52:27 > 0:52:29Yes, I do. Yes is affirmative.

0:52:29 > 0:52:32I want affirmative action, but the beer is... You are the object.

0:52:32 > 0:52:35No, the beer is the object. The beer is coming towards me, that's

0:52:35 > 0:52:38a motion towards, so dative has got to be in there somewhere.

0:52:38 > 0:52:42Just mime me an answer. Thumb?

0:52:42 > 0:52:44Yeah, all right, mate.

0:52:44 > 0:52:46How did they get the messages out? When Hannibal attacked through

0:52:46 > 0:52:50Spain, up and over the Alps, how did they get the message out?

0:52:50 > 0:52:53I mean, because Hannibal actually won a whole bunch of battles and maybe that was because they

0:52:53 > 0:52:55just couldn't speak to each other quick enough.

0:52:55 > 0:52:59Messengers running from one battle to another going, Centurion, Centurion!

0:52:59 > 0:53:03Alarum, alarum miserarum.

0:53:03 > 0:53:05Minerarium, miserarium.

0:53:05 > 0:53:07Alarum miserarium.

0:53:07 > 0:53:11Touten de soldatens, errr...

0:53:11 > 0:53:15Mourati on the party.

0:53:15 > 0:53:18Quod the fuck is the...

0:53:18 > 0:53:20Quod erat demonstrandum?

0:53:22 > 0:53:24Ich bin messengare.

0:53:24 > 0:53:25Si, naturellement.

0:53:28 > 0:53:32Und ich couriere nach here from a long way away

0:53:32 > 0:53:38mit newsum tres mauvaises de le battle arium, the battalium,

0:53:38 > 0:53:44the pugnacco of the peoples and the tuti of the mutis

0:53:44 > 0:53:47on the booties.

0:53:47 > 0:53:49Quod the fuck are you talking about here?

0:53:51 > 0:53:53It's difficlarium.

0:53:53 > 0:53:56Hannibal! Hannibal?

0:53:56 > 0:53:58Hannibal? Si, Hannibal!

0:53:58 > 0:54:01Oh, didus knock mentanatem Hannibal?

0:54:01 > 0:54:03Si, si, Generalissimo Hannibal.

0:54:03 > 0:54:05Hannibal? C'est tres dangereux! Si.

0:54:05 > 0:54:07Er kommt, mein Herr.

0:54:10 > 0:54:12Arriverarm, arrivederci?

0:54:12 > 0:54:14No. Arriveramus?

0:54:16 > 0:54:20Is... Veni, vidi, vici! Veni, vidi, vici?

0:54:20 > 0:54:22Si, veni, vidi, vici. Hannibal.

0:54:22 > 0:54:23Mit soldates?

0:54:23 > 0:54:25Si, mit soldates.

0:54:25 > 0:54:30No, tout seul, bucket and spade on holiday, I think.

0:54:30 > 0:54:33Naturellement mit soldates, mit total soldates.

0:54:33 > 0:54:36Multo soldates, infinitata soldates.

0:54:36 > 0:54:40Infinidate soldates is mathemelaticus totally impossibiliatus.

0:54:44 > 0:54:49No, ask Pythagoratus.

0:54:49 > 0:54:51Yes, ist te truthum.

0:54:51 > 0:54:55Is the veritum.

0:54:55 > 0:54:57Pi?

0:54:57 > 0:54:59Danke schoen.

0:55:05 > 0:55:07Have you tried just not cooking this?

0:55:11 > 0:55:13C'est pas mal, c'est pas mal, mate.

0:55:13 > 0:55:15Rhetorical...

0:55:15 > 0:55:17Gas markum quoi?

0:55:19 > 0:55:22Gas markum 3.141.

0:55:22 > 0:55:25Aah!

0:55:25 > 0:55:27It's a jokum, it's a jokum.

0:55:27 > 0:55:30He's a funny lad. Ha ha ha!

0:55:30 > 0:55:33High fives, Pythagoratus.

0:55:33 > 0:55:36Square of the hypotenuse.

0:55:36 > 0:55:40Have you finished? No!

0:55:40 > 0:55:42Because cette fois

0:55:44 > 0:55:47Hannibal is coming round the mountain when he comes.

0:55:49 > 0:55:51Is coming round the mountains when he comes.

0:55:51 > 0:55:53Coming round the mountains? Coming round the mountains?

0:55:53 > 0:55:57Coming round the mountains when he comes.

0:55:57 > 0:55:59Singing...

0:55:59 > 0:56:06An tik tika tika bong, tika pok tika ding, tika ding dang doh, ee tika tika tika taki di bong.

0:56:07 > 0:56:10Mit pink pyjamas?

0:56:10 > 0:56:12Kein pink pyjamas.

0:56:12 > 0:56:15Cette fois er kommt mit elephantein.

0:56:16 > 0:56:18Elephantein?

0:56:18 > 0:56:20What the fuck elephantein erat?

0:56:20 > 0:56:22Elephantein tres dangereux.

0:56:22 > 0:56:24Elephantein tres mysteriosum.

0:56:24 > 0:56:28Front part is elephantain and is similaris con ein squirrel.

0:56:30 > 0:56:34Hey, man, don't take the piss out of me.

0:56:34 > 0:56:36I'm just here, you know,

0:56:36 > 0:56:39looking for my wife.

0:56:39 > 0:56:42Have you seen a boat?

0:56:43 > 0:56:47Imaginatus maximum squirrel upside downus, back to frontus.

0:56:47 > 0:56:49Tailum ist nosum.

0:56:49 > 0:56:51Tailum ist nosum.

0:56:54 > 0:57:00Back part is elephantein is smilarus con a magnus pigus. Bigus pigus.

0:57:00 > 0:57:02Bike pump.

0:57:02 > 0:57:04Attachum mit duct tape.

0:57:04 > 0:57:05That is elephantein.

0:57:05 > 0:57:07Das ist elephantein?

0:57:07 > 0:57:08Run, motherfucker!

0:57:13 > 0:57:15It's too big, too long.

0:57:17 > 0:57:23All that takes far too long and Hannibal would overrun them and kill them all and set up a charity.

0:57:23 > 0:57:28English is good. It's taken off because it's such a simple language at its base level.

0:57:28 > 0:57:32Hannibal's coming! Hannibal? What with? Soldiers. How many? Tons.

0:57:32 > 0:57:34What else? Elephants. What are they? Pigs and squirrels. Run!

0:57:36 > 0:57:40The English have gone, the English have gone.

0:57:40 > 0:57:43Oh, God, they had such a quick language.

0:57:43 > 0:57:45You have to have a tea party to work out the Latin stuff.

0:57:45 > 0:57:49Yes, we got rid of one of our yous. We had two yous, we got rid of one.

0:57:49 > 0:57:52The whole familiar you. Aren't you my father?

0:57:52 > 0:57:55And the unfamiliar you. Who the fuck are you guys?

0:57:58 > 0:58:02So, we got rid of the first one. That was all the thee and the thou one that the Pilgrims used.

0:58:02 > 0:58:06Wouldst thee, wouldst thou, would thee, thy, thum...

0:58:06 > 0:58:08Wouldst thou? Thou wilt disagree.

0:58:08 > 0:58:12Thou wilt have a bad time over the fact that thou didst send us away.

0:58:12 > 0:58:15Why don't you all just go?

0:58:15 > 0:58:18Go and hang in the middle of the country.

0:58:18 > 0:58:22So, yeah. The Romans all died

0:58:22 > 0:58:25in a chariot crash and then

0:58:26 > 0:58:30Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18...scritty swam swums.

0:58:32 > 0:58:35And that book was an interesting book because it was called, Monkey,

0:58:35 > 0:58:38Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, Monkey, You!

0:58:41 > 0:58:47And, you know, it just took off

0:58:47 > 0:58:52like wildfire and it caused an outrage in the monkey kingdom.

0:58:52 > 0:58:54Monkeys were furious about it.

0:58:54 > 0:59:00Oh, God, they were flinging poo at electrical fans that had been specially set up for the occasion.

0:59:00 > 0:59:04Because the shit hits the fan is a saying that is post electricity.

0:59:04 > 0:59:06Pre electricity it's just...

0:59:09 > 0:59:11Did you just throw a poo at my fan?

0:59:13 > 0:59:15What's the point of that?

0:59:15 > 0:59:18You want me to switch the electricity on?

0:59:18 > 0:59:20Well, we've only just had it wired up.

0:59:20 > 0:59:23I don't see what a...

0:59:23 > 0:59:26Oh, I see, yes, yes.

0:59:26 > 0:59:29Yes, the shit has certainly hit the fan now.

0:59:32 > 0:59:38Before electricity all they had was, then the shit will really hit the Archimedes screw.

0:59:39 > 0:59:41Much slower.

0:59:41 > 0:59:47So, yes... So, that was it, evolution, evolution.

0:59:47 > 0:59:50And we have evolution all the way from the beginning up to now,

0:59:50 > 0:59:56including all of us, the genetics that go through us, the inbreeding, non inbreeding, the Royal family.

0:59:56 > 1:00:00Well, it's good that the Royal Family...

1:00:00 > 1:00:02They shouldn't have sex with people. The idea of being commoners...

1:00:02 > 1:00:04We have an idea of commoners. Commoners is a horrible word.

1:00:04 > 1:00:07I think it should be real people.

1:00:07 > 1:00:10That's what the House of Commons should be, the House of Real People.

1:00:10 > 1:00:13And the commoners, they're the real people, you see?

1:00:13 > 1:00:15So, the Queen Mother, she was always crazy.

1:00:15 > 1:00:19She was shot out of a cannon for her funeral, as you know.

1:00:19 > 1:00:22That was her dying wish, shoot me out of a cannon.

1:00:24 > 1:00:27It was kind of a Robin Hood thing going on there.

1:00:27 > 1:00:29Because she was a Scottish lady, oh, yes.

1:00:29 > 1:00:31She was. You never heard her speak.

1:00:31 > 1:00:34Do you remember? The last 40 years, you never heard a word,

1:00:34 > 1:00:37but she was there going, "Will you shoot me out of a cannon? Come on.

1:00:37 > 1:00:42"I'd like to see the Solent one more time before I land on the Isle of Wight.

1:00:42 > 1:00:44"Come on, you fucker,

1:00:44 > 1:00:46"give us a break."

1:00:46 > 1:00:48Something like that.

1:00:48 > 1:00:51But the Queen, I just have a problem with monarchy, because

1:00:51 > 1:00:55obviously in the third millennium hereditary privilege is insane.

1:00:55 > 1:00:56Yes, I hear your silent yes.

1:00:56 > 1:01:00Hereditary privilege? How do you explain that to children?

1:01:00 > 1:01:06Why do some people live in fantastic houses and we give them cash out of our taxes?

1:01:07 > 1:01:10Because, errr...

1:01:10 > 1:01:15I don't know, that's a good question, small child. Yes.

1:01:18 > 1:01:21Well, it is an interesting question. You know, it's got to change.

1:01:21 > 1:01:26I think Charlie's doing something, you know, he's doing organic farming, he's doing stuff.

1:01:26 > 1:01:28The charity he does is good.

1:01:28 > 1:01:31Some of the kids are doing stuff, but Liz and Phil, Liz and Phil haven't done anything.

1:01:31 > 1:01:34Liz and Phil just sat there. Because they got in at '52 and then

1:01:34 > 1:01:36immediately the Queen introduced the new...

1:01:39 > 1:01:43Then in the '60s, the Queen decided to change the way that...

1:01:43 > 1:01:45And she encouraged people to...

1:01:45 > 1:01:49And in the '70s, she completely redistributed...

1:01:49 > 1:01:52And realised she had too much wealth, so she decided to...

1:01:54 > 1:01:58Then in the '80s they set up a charity to do...

1:01:58 > 1:02:01And then they encouraged other people to...

1:02:01 > 1:02:05And in the '90s, they just totally relaxed, and they said, everyone, why don't you...

1:02:06 > 1:02:09And then in the 2000s they've set a great example by...

1:02:17 > 1:02:19Stop me at any point.

1:02:21 > 1:02:26I think she's got 20 years left. She's in there, but she essentially does what she does on the stamps.

1:02:30 > 1:02:33Do something! Just do something!

1:02:33 > 1:02:36Open your house up! Give all your houses away! Change something!

1:02:36 > 1:02:40Do something! Change your hair. Smoke a cigarette. Drive a car.

1:02:40 > 1:02:44Wave a bit. Fucking wave. Where's the fucking wave?

1:02:44 > 1:02:46We pay good money, we want some fucking waving.

1:02:52 > 1:02:56Got cash, got cash, do waves.

1:02:56 > 1:02:57Don't you think?

1:03:00 > 1:03:02Anyway, so, evolution.

1:03:02 > 1:03:08We can see evolution with fish. Fish swim in the sea, they're very thin, they breathe through their necks

1:03:08 > 1:03:11and they just seem to be...

1:03:11 > 1:03:15They have very short memories, I believe, fish, and so they seem

1:03:15 > 1:03:17to just be going, oh, oh, oh, oh...

1:03:17 > 1:03:21As if someone's just told them, you realise you're fish and you have very short memories.

1:03:21 > 1:03:24Oh. Oh.

1:03:24 > 1:03:26Oh.

1:03:26 > 1:03:28Oh, I didn't realise.

1:03:28 > 1:03:30Oh, no.

1:03:30 > 1:03:34And then the mudskipper is a fish that walks along on its legs.

1:03:34 > 1:03:36You can see the evolution with the mudskipper going along.

1:03:36 > 1:03:40And if you look right deep into his eyes you can see him going, I'm almost there, I'm almost there.

1:03:40 > 1:03:43One day I'll have a house and a Ferrari.

1:03:45 > 1:03:49I'll work on the Stock Exchange and lose loads of money down a toilet.

1:03:52 > 1:03:54And then fish fly!

1:03:54 > 1:03:58Fish fly in the sky. They must be up there going, oh! Oh, wow!

1:03:58 > 1:04:01And then they must stop in trees occasionally and go, oh.

1:04:01 > 1:04:05And then birds are in trees, they're going, who the fuck are you guys?

1:04:05 > 1:04:07Oh, no.

1:04:07 > 1:04:09Oh, oh.

1:04:09 > 1:04:13We're birds, we eat fish. Oh, crap.

1:04:13 > 1:04:15Oh.

1:04:15 > 1:04:17Fly, Freddie, fly!

1:04:20 > 1:04:22Have you ever seen birds chasing fish in the air?

1:04:22 > 1:04:25It just looks so... You go, I got to have a drink, that's weird.

1:04:27 > 1:04:30So, that's the fish side, that's evolution.

1:04:30 > 1:04:34Then on the creation side, God got the world and he went, boom!

1:04:34 > 1:04:37There it is, it's blue, don't fuck it up.

1:04:40 > 1:04:42Can't stand the man.

1:04:44 > 1:04:50We don't know what that means. It's just funny, but we don't know why.

1:04:50 > 1:04:51But, no, he didn't do it in one go.

1:04:51 > 1:04:54Which, I think, why take six days over it?

1:04:54 > 1:04:56Why not just go, boom! He did it six days with one day for prayer.

1:04:56 > 1:04:59Why not do two seconds, boomba!

1:04:59 > 1:05:02Fazoom! And then you've got seven days for prayer.

1:05:02 > 1:05:07And they could just be up there going, God, you're really great, you're really fantastic.

1:05:07 > 1:05:09Dear God, we thank you, especially for what you did on Tuesday.

1:05:09 > 1:05:11That was really... Was it Tuesday?

1:05:11 > 1:05:13No, never. That's right.

1:05:13 > 1:05:18You never wake up and you hear, God's given everyone an extra banana. What a wonderful day it is!

1:05:18 > 1:05:20Extra banana for everyone.

1:05:20 > 1:05:22Never.

1:05:22 > 1:05:27Anyway, six days of making the Earth, like he's making a train set for his kids.

1:05:29 > 1:05:33After a while, small animals will be following going, who are you?

1:05:33 > 1:05:37I'm God. Why are you taking so long?

1:05:37 > 1:05:39We've got no food.

1:05:39 > 1:05:41All right, I'll make you food.

1:05:41 > 1:05:44Sorry about that. What are you, badgers? Squirrels?

1:05:44 > 1:05:46Chicken?

1:05:48 > 1:05:50We eat nuts, man.

1:05:50 > 1:05:52Have you seen a boat?

1:05:52 > 1:05:54Haven't made them yet.

1:05:54 > 1:05:56Well, what am I doing here?

1:05:56 > 1:05:59Right, badgers. Badgers eat bok choy.

1:06:01 > 1:06:03No, we don't.

1:06:05 > 1:06:07Not eating that. It's supposed to be pak choi, anyway.

1:06:07 > 1:06:10It's called bok choy. Pak choi. Mandarin. Cantonese.

1:06:14 > 1:06:18Not eating it. All right, sprouting broccoli.

1:06:18 > 1:06:20Ugh!

1:06:22 > 1:06:25Holy crap,

1:06:25 > 1:06:27I see badgers can be choosers.

1:06:31 > 1:06:33What?

1:06:33 > 1:06:37What, you've heard too many bok choy, pak choi, sprouting broccoli,

1:06:37 > 1:06:40badger creationist jokes this week?

1:06:40 > 1:06:43Oh, yeah, up to here, every other person saying them.

1:06:43 > 1:06:47Can't... Just wading through them this Christmas.

1:06:47 > 1:06:50That old chestnut.

1:06:50 > 1:06:52Didn't the Greeks use that one?

1:06:52 > 1:06:54Fuck off.

1:06:57 > 1:06:59All right, Mr Badger,

1:06:59 > 1:07:01creme brulee you shall eat.

1:07:01 > 1:07:04Creme brulee? That's hardly brulee, that's singed.

1:07:07 > 1:07:09All right, that's creme flambee now.

1:07:09 > 1:07:12Creme brulee, creme flambee, where did you learn French?

1:07:12 > 1:07:15While you were pissing about making the Earth.

1:07:15 > 1:07:17I was on Rosetta Stone.

1:07:19 > 1:07:21We were all sitting around there going,

1:07:21 > 1:07:25La chaise est sur l'elephant.

1:07:25 > 1:07:28I don't know what he's talking about.

1:07:30 > 1:07:32Day one

1:07:32 > 1:07:34in the giant squid diaries.

1:07:36 > 1:07:39Nothing, it's a void. Day three, isn't it?

1:07:39 > 1:07:41Shit, running out of ink.

1:07:41 > 1:07:44Why, why, why? There's no water yet.

1:07:44 > 1:07:46Bugger, bugger. All right.

1:07:46 > 1:07:48Give me another Letts diary, will you?

1:07:49 > 1:07:52Do you remember those?

1:07:52 > 1:07:54Every Christmas you get your Letts diary.

1:07:54 > 1:07:58You fill in just the first six days and then blank.

1:07:59 > 1:08:03Did everyone do that? Then about June you'd rediscover it and start filling it in again.

1:08:03 > 1:08:06Then you'd backfill it with lessons.

1:08:07 > 1:08:09OK, I saw one kid doing that.

1:08:12 > 1:08:17Anyway, creationism has turned, through the mind of a Sarah Palin, into intelligent design.

1:08:17 > 1:08:19And I have two problems with intelligent design.

1:08:19 > 1:08:23One is the intelligence part of it, and the other is the design part of it.

1:08:23 > 1:08:26Because, you know, there's some things which are wonderful

1:08:26 > 1:08:29and some things that are horrible, disgusting.

1:08:29 > 1:08:32Cancer. Intelligent design, or just weird fucking stuff going on?

1:08:32 > 1:08:35Cholera, all those things.

1:08:35 > 1:08:38If we were God for half an hour, we would ban poo and pee.

1:08:38 > 1:08:43Why do we have poo and pee? You say, oh, waste products. Why not just eat food and do stuff?

1:08:43 > 1:08:45There's no logic to waste products.

1:08:45 > 1:08:47Just efficient use of energy.

1:08:47 > 1:08:52Eat it and boom, go do stuff. Poo and pee causes all those... Coughs and sneezes spread diseases.

1:08:52 > 1:08:54All the poo and peeing diseases, cholera, all that...

1:08:54 > 1:08:57Out the window, if we were God.

1:08:57 > 1:09:00And then you'd say, you might need the poo for crops. Well, no, the crops grow because of sunlight.

1:09:00 > 1:09:03Or because they want to.

1:09:03 > 1:09:05Remember, you're God.

1:09:06 > 1:09:10So the appendix, it sits next to your oesophagus your entire life going, any grass?

1:09:10 > 1:09:12ls that grass, mate? ls that grass?

1:09:12 > 1:09:14What's that, bok choi? No?

1:09:14 > 1:09:19Arsehole. What's that, spinach?

1:09:19 > 1:09:22Well, do you want... Forget it.

1:09:22 > 1:09:24No, it's horrible. I don't want to touch it.

1:09:24 > 1:09:26We've got an appendix here, but forget it.

1:09:26 > 1:09:28Asparagus! That's like grass, isn't it?

1:09:28 > 1:09:32Big grass? Big grass, mate? Do you want to run it through me and Jimbo?

1:09:32 > 1:09:34Machine? One careful owner.

1:09:34 > 1:09:39This is insane. I'm calling Intelligent Design.

1:09:42 > 1:09:47Intelligent Design? Yeah, it's the appendix. Yes, the appendix.

1:09:47 > 1:09:50Any news?

1:09:50 > 1:09:53Well, what the fuck are we doing?

1:09:53 > 1:09:55Did you put us here on duty to deal with the grass?

1:09:55 > 1:09:57I mean, it doesn't eat grass.

1:09:57 > 1:09:59Haven't you noticed?

1:09:59 > 1:10:01it might be evolution.

1:10:03 > 1:10:07Yeah, well, it might be, motherfucker.

1:10:07 > 1:10:09We don't want to be here. We're just sitting here, doing nothing.

1:10:09 > 1:10:12We want to be somewhere else. Where?

1:10:14 > 1:10:17Er... We want to be in the back of books.

1:10:22 > 1:10:24You put an appendix in the back of books.

1:10:24 > 1:10:29Go on, put it there, and then, we don't want page numbers, we want Roman numerals.

1:10:29 > 1:10:32Real teeny, tiny ones.

1:10:32 > 1:10:35And then we want endless lists of rubbish that no-one ever reads.

1:10:35 > 1:10:38Or, they'd read two or three of them and then go, oh, this is crap.

1:10:38 > 1:10:40And then they go back. You do that.

1:10:40 > 1:10:43Otherwise... Otherwise we will explode.

1:10:48 > 1:10:51Your appendix explodes, just like John Hurt in the film Alien when that thing comes out.

1:10:51 > 1:10:54And that looks like an appendix with teeth.

1:10:54 > 1:11:00Your appendix very rarely gets huge and eats the rest of your crew. That's true.

1:11:00 > 1:11:01But that's it. Cows have four stomachs.

1:11:01 > 1:11:04Why do they have four stomachs? Why not one stomach?

1:11:04 > 1:11:07Why don't they do it like us, just eat stuff and then poo or pee?

1:11:07 > 1:11:11They have four crappy stomachs, or useless stomachs.

1:11:11 > 1:11:14They eat food, it comes back up, they chew it again, it goes back down. It comes back up.

1:11:14 > 1:11:16It keeps going up and down.

1:11:16 > 1:11:19By the fourth stomach, surely it's coming up and they're going...

1:11:24 > 1:11:26This did not need to come back up.

1:11:28 > 1:11:30This should have gone the other way.

1:11:34 > 1:11:37I now understand "shit-eating grin". I know what it is.

1:11:37 > 1:11:40Should be shit-eating grimace.

1:11:42 > 1:11:46Cows should be in corners of fields going...

1:11:52 > 1:11:54Never see that. Or they should be in cars going, moo.

1:11:58 > 1:12:00We like him.

1:12:01 > 1:12:03Moo.

1:12:03 > 1:12:06Cow and raptor.

1:12:06 > 1:12:08Cow, raptor.

1:12:08 > 1:12:11Moo.

1:12:11 > 1:12:13Go, cow, go. Moo.

1:12:13 > 1:12:16Put all the moo in the bag.

1:12:16 > 1:12:18Got lots of moo.

1:12:20 > 1:12:22What the fuck is moo?

1:12:22 > 1:12:24I think it's air.

1:12:27 > 1:12:30Work on the first draft of this script.

1:12:30 > 1:12:34So, I think we look for rules to live our lives.

1:12:34 > 1:12:37And I decided to take all the religions in the world and all the philosophies,

1:12:37 > 1:12:42because I think religions are philosophies with an extra top coat of mystical things, you know.

1:12:42 > 1:12:45Stuff for people living in trees. Or clouds.

1:12:45 > 1:12:46Or trees.

1:12:46 > 1:12:48If a god lived in a tree that wouldn't work, would it?

1:12:48 > 1:12:52I am a god. You're living in a tree.

1:12:52 > 1:12:54You're like a bird, aren't you?

1:12:54 > 1:12:56Yeah.

1:12:56 > 1:12:59But... Oh, bugger.

1:12:59 > 1:13:04What I chose from all the religions and faiths in the world, and I decided to try and live...

1:13:04 > 1:13:07You know, you want some rule, direction to live your life by.

1:13:07 > 1:13:09And "do unto others as you would have others do unto you"

1:13:09 > 1:13:13seems to be one thing you can just grab hold of and is really good.

1:13:13 > 1:13:15And it's not perfect, and you're going to be grumpy at people, or

1:13:15 > 1:13:18shouting or whatever, but if you try that one, I think it's really good.

1:13:18 > 1:13:20And you don't need anything else.

1:13:20 > 1:13:23And then there's the Ten Commandments. Now, that's a lot of commandments.

1:13:23 > 1:13:25I think humans, we like simplistic.

1:13:25 > 1:13:28But anyway, Moses, charismatic individual, mentioned in the Bible, mentioned outside the Bible.

1:13:28 > 1:13:34Grew up as an ancient Egyptian, which means he was an Egyptian who was really old at the age of three.

1:13:34 > 1:13:36Oh, yes.

1:13:36 > 1:13:38Come over here, young man.

1:13:38 > 1:13:39Excited, are we?

1:13:41 > 1:13:47He would say. And, so, he was actually a Hebrew person who was smuggled in and adopted.

1:13:47 > 1:13:51And all the Hebrew people were enslaved in Egypt at that time

1:13:51 > 1:13:55because they were there on holiday and it all went pear-shaped.

1:13:55 > 1:13:58And Moses grew up and he killed a slave owner

1:13:58 > 1:14:02and he rushed off and hid and became a shepherd to get out of...

1:14:02 > 1:14:05being sent... Put on trial, whatever it was.

1:14:05 > 1:14:09And while he was up on the mountain with his sheep, a bush caught fire.

1:14:09 > 1:14:13And he said, right, come on, sheep, get out of here. It's looking kind of biblical around here.

1:14:13 > 1:14:17And the bush said, Moses, Moses, come back here.

1:14:17 > 1:14:20And he said, hang on, sheep, just wait. What is it?

1:14:20 > 1:14:22Moses, you must leave this place.

1:14:22 > 1:14:26I was leaving when you called me back.

1:14:26 > 1:14:29What the bloody hell do... No, I mean you must leave this place

1:14:29 > 1:14:34in the short to mid-term future, on a geopolitical basis.

1:14:34 > 1:14:37For fuck's sake, you're a very complicated bush.

1:14:37 > 1:14:39We're not used to that round here.

1:14:39 > 1:14:42So, yes. He ran over to the sheep.

1:14:45 > 1:14:47It's a slow burn, he said to the sheep.

1:14:47 > 1:14:50Look, sheep. I got to go. Get out of Dodge City.

1:14:50 > 1:14:53You lads, you get out of here. Run, you run from here.

1:14:53 > 1:14:56I have to go and do things. So you run and you find the Spartan sheep.

1:14:56 > 1:14:57They will train you to be ninjas.

1:14:57 > 1:15:01They will train you to be kamikaze. That's not really useful.

1:15:03 > 1:15:06That's a kind of...thing.

1:15:06 > 1:15:08All right, forget it, it's too complicated. What?

1:15:08 > 1:15:10Moo.

1:15:10 > 1:15:13You're mooing, sheep. You must find the Spartan sheep.

1:15:13 > 1:15:16They will train you to become leaders of sheep.

1:15:16 > 1:15:19And I'll meet you in the final scene.

1:15:19 > 1:15:21OK.

1:15:21 > 1:15:24So he runs off. He goes down to his friends and says, come on, lads,

1:15:24 > 1:15:27we'll get all the Hebrew people and leave this desert.

1:15:27 > 1:15:30Let's go to a desert.

1:15:30 > 1:15:33Yeah, change is as good as a rest.

1:15:33 > 1:15:36I want to go to Surrey. No, it's a bit rainy there.

1:15:38 > 1:15:40Let's go to the desert.

1:15:40 > 1:15:42He says, let's go tonight, under the cover of frogs.

1:15:42 > 1:15:46So... Cos there were ten plagues that landed on Egypt.

1:15:46 > 1:15:49And, you know, there's a plague of flies.

1:15:49 > 1:15:50Plague of locusts.

1:15:50 > 1:15:55And a plague of frogs was one of the weirdest plagues I've ever heard of.

1:15:55 > 1:15:58If that came from God, he had lost his marbles.

1:15:58 > 1:16:00Because a plague of frogs is not a plague, is it?

1:16:00 > 1:16:02It's just a lot of frogs.

1:16:02 > 1:16:05It's more frogs than usual.

1:16:05 > 1:16:09To be a plague, you have to be able to go, the flies, the flies!

1:16:09 > 1:16:11The locusts, the locusts!

1:16:11 > 1:16:16And you're never going, the frogs, the frogs! I'm drowning in frogs!

1:16:16 > 1:16:19Help me, Mama, help me! Pull Jimby out of the fil...

1:16:19 > 1:16:21Out of the frog pit.

1:16:21 > 1:16:23The pit of frogs.

1:16:23 > 1:16:25The frogs have got him. Don't lick their backs.

1:16:26 > 1:16:31Who came up with a hallucinogenic back of a toad? Was that God on crack cocaine?

1:16:31 > 1:16:33Look. Beezus, just look at this.

1:16:33 > 1:16:35Beezus, lick the back of that.

1:16:35 > 1:16:37Lick that. Lick the back of that toad.

1:16:37 > 1:16:39Lick the back of that toad.

1:16:39 > 1:16:42Dad, you've said that for half an hour now.

1:16:42 > 1:16:46Beezus, you're covered in something. What, Dad?

1:16:47 > 1:16:50Wow, this is really good toad.

1:16:50 > 1:16:53This is a good year. What year is this? Nothing 27.

1:16:53 > 1:16:55Wow, excellent toad year.

1:16:56 > 1:17:00Toads came up with the line, you lick my back, and I'll lick yours.

1:17:00 > 1:17:05If he created a frog plague, then he must have been going, all right,

1:17:05 > 1:17:09Tesus, Beezus, Desus, Elsus, I want another plague. You've had ten, Dad.

1:17:09 > 1:17:12Well, you've had nine. This'll be the tenth.

1:17:12 > 1:17:15You had a plague of toads, and a plague of helicopters, a plague of

1:17:15 > 1:17:19people with weird haircuts, plague of dripping.

1:17:19 > 1:17:23The dripping, the dripping.

1:17:23 > 1:17:26But there's no bread.

1:17:27 > 1:17:29I want another plague.

1:17:29 > 1:17:31Who are those green lads over there?

1:17:31 > 1:17:34They're frogs, they're playing canasta, world championship.

1:17:34 > 1:17:36Who's winning?

1:17:36 > 1:17:37Frogs are, 2-1.

1:17:37 > 1:17:41Who are they playing? Other frogs.

1:17:41 > 1:17:44Put them in a DC-9, I want them down.

1:17:44 > 1:17:47Great Pharaoh, huge, green monsters are falling from the...

1:17:47 > 1:17:50Small green monsters, quite small.

1:17:50 > 1:17:52Just frogs.

1:17:52 > 1:17:54Ribbet!

1:17:54 > 1:17:56So they strapped them to their heads and they ran and ran.

1:17:56 > 1:17:58There's frogs escaping. It's OK.

1:17:58 > 1:18:01And they go up through... And they went through the Red Sea, cos a giant squid held the water back.

1:18:01 > 1:18:03Go on, good luck, good luck.

1:18:03 > 1:18:07Giant squid's diary, day 3,009, helped the frogs.

1:18:09 > 1:18:12No. Helped the Hebrew people get out

1:18:12 > 1:18:14of Egypt.

1:18:14 > 1:18:17Running out of bloody ink again.

1:18:17 > 1:18:18Got a biro.

1:18:20 > 1:18:23Helped the Hebrew people to escape under the cover of frogs.

1:18:23 > 1:18:27Was glad to help. Links with Noah.

1:18:27 > 1:18:31Saw Mr Squirrel again. It was hell in there, man.

1:18:31 > 1:18:35We were enslaved. Squirrels were enslaved. For what? I don't know.

1:18:40 > 1:18:42I'm going to marry a chicken.

1:18:43 > 1:18:46So then they wandered in the desert for 40 years.

1:18:46 > 1:18:49And if I was with that group, after 23 years,

1:18:49 > 1:18:53I would have turned to them and said, what the fuck is going on?

1:18:53 > 1:18:5623 years just wandering in the desert.

1:18:56 > 1:18:59I'll give you 17 more years and that's it.

1:19:00 > 1:19:05And after 17 years, 30 years, 40 years, and after 40 years,

1:19:05 > 1:19:08there are obviously people going mad, going crazy.

1:19:08 > 1:19:14They're going, I'm going to have sex with my foot. I'm going to eat balloons till I explode.

1:19:14 > 1:19:16I'm going to set fire to my buttocks.

1:19:16 > 1:19:19I'm going to staple my toes to a tractor.

1:19:19 > 1:19:23I'm going to fill myself with sand and sell myself to a taxidermist.

1:19:25 > 1:19:28And Moses said, look, you can't do this. This is insane.

1:19:28 > 1:19:30You can't. There are rules.

1:19:30 > 1:19:32There are no rules!

1:19:32 > 1:19:34All right, I'll get 10.

1:19:34 > 1:19:37So he runs off and comes back.

1:19:37 > 1:19:40All right, here they are. Rule one, never piss in a toaster.

1:19:40 > 1:19:42Never eat barbed wire.

1:19:42 > 1:19:45Don't call yourself Mr Jimjams.

1:19:47 > 1:19:51Never scrape your brain with the back of a comb.

1:19:51 > 1:19:53Don't put your toes in a fire.

1:19:53 > 1:19:57Never Sellotape your eyelids to your mother's.

1:19:58 > 1:20:03What? These aren't rules. You just made these up on the way back from the hill.

1:20:03 > 1:20:05I couldn't find any ones with...

1:20:05 > 1:20:07Oh, I'll get better ones.

1:20:07 > 1:20:10Two hours later, he comes back.

1:20:10 > 1:20:13All right, here we are. Always keep quiet. Run up a tree if you see anyone.

1:20:13 > 1:20:18Keep your tail clean. Keep your nuts and your make-up in a hole in the tree.

1:20:18 > 1:20:20This is...

1:20:23 > 1:20:25These are squirrel rules.

1:20:26 > 1:20:28"Hey, man.

1:20:28 > 1:20:31"Don't have a go at us. We've got good rules.

1:20:31 > 1:20:33"We know what we're doing, man.

1:20:33 > 1:20:34"This is my chicken."

1:20:35 > 1:20:38TRUMPET NOISES

1:20:48 > 1:20:52"Who are these people? They're not Hebrew squirrels and chickens."

1:20:52 > 1:20:54"They're with the band."

1:20:57 > 1:21:01So, yes... So then

1:21:01 > 1:21:05they said to him, "Look, Moses, we want real rules, rules you can write on rock.

1:21:05 > 1:21:07"The three Rs."

1:21:07 > 1:21:09So, he said, "All right, I'll go get them."

1:21:09 > 1:21:13As the audience work that joke out, he ran away.

1:21:13 > 1:21:17And he was away for months, two months, long time,

1:21:17 > 1:21:22must have been, because by the time he returned, they had smelted metal.

1:21:22 > 1:21:25That's a Discovery Channel programme thing.

1:21:25 > 1:21:27Smelting metal?

1:21:27 > 1:21:30"Oh, he's not coming back. He was probably eaten by bears.

1:21:30 > 1:21:33"Let's smelt metal.

1:21:33 > 1:21:37"Let's make a cast-iron version of a God."

1:21:37 > 1:21:40And it never works. It's very difficult to make a proper mould and get it all working out.

1:21:40 > 1:21:42Especially in the desert after 40 years.

1:21:42 > 1:21:45Pour it out and go, "There, a golden calf."

1:21:45 > 1:21:48"Looks like a badger whose head's exploded."

1:21:48 > 1:21:51"That's a stoat covered in sick."

1:21:51 > 1:21:54"That's a man who's eaten too many balloons."

1:21:54 > 1:21:58"Whatever it is, he's called Jimbo, and we're worshipping him.

1:21:58 > 1:22:03"We worship thee, oh, Jimbo. Please bring us kazoos on the hour, every hour."

1:22:03 > 1:22:05And then Moses returned.

1:22:05 > 1:22:10He was furious and he smashed the tablets of stone on the ground and said, "What are you doing?"

1:22:10 > 1:22:16And they all went, "Doo-doo-doo-doo."

1:22:16 > 1:22:19He said, "You call those kazoos?

1:22:20 > 1:22:22"Cos no-one recognised the sound."

1:22:26 > 1:22:32"They never do, great Moses. For some reason, that joke always screws up at that point.

1:22:32 > 1:22:34"We can't do kazoo sounds."

1:22:37 > 1:22:40"Don't practise now, they're filming."

1:22:48 > 1:22:50"The force is with them."

1:22:50 > 1:22:52"With them?" "Yeah."

1:22:53 > 1:22:55"Look, I've got rules.

1:22:55 > 1:22:58"Rock rules. Rules written on rock."

1:22:58 > 1:23:01And he had the Ten Commandments, but you don't need them, because the one - "Do unto others"

1:23:01 > 1:23:03- is a self-policing rule.

1:23:03 > 1:23:06Thou shalt not kill. Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you.

1:23:06 > 1:23:10Would you like others to kill you? Probably not.

1:23:10 > 1:23:13So, don't kill other people. Would you like your stuff being stolen?

1:23:13 > 1:23:15Probably not. So don't steal other people's.

1:23:15 > 1:23:16It's self-policing.

1:23:16 > 1:23:20So, those are the two main ones, and then there's other ones like,

1:23:20 > 1:23:24Don't put your knitting on the stage, Mrs Worthington. Or something.

1:23:24 > 1:23:27Never Sellotape your hair to a tractor. These things.

1:23:27 > 1:23:30And there's one in there that's just completely bonkers.

1:23:30 > 1:23:34Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox.

1:23:34 > 1:23:37What?

1:23:37 > 1:23:40Was that all the rage?

1:23:41 > 1:23:44Were people going, "Oh, my God. Have you seen Steve's ox?

1:23:46 > 1:23:48Oh." "What? Where?" "Don't look now.

1:23:48 > 1:23:52It's a genius ox. It's the most amazing ox I've ever seen.

1:23:52 > 1:23:54Oh, it's brilliant.

1:23:54 > 1:24:00It was on Top Ox. You know Top Gear? Top Ox."

1:24:00 > 1:24:03"This ox can go 0-50 in under a year.

1:24:03 > 1:24:09"It is the most amazingly sleek, built by the Germans, you can hang your washing between his ears,

1:24:09 > 1:24:12"he really has the biggest face this side of Christendom.

1:24:12 > 1:24:16"This is one motherfucker of an ox."

1:24:16 > 1:24:19Why were people coveting oxes?

1:24:19 > 1:24:23It isn't thou shalt not steal the ox or eat the ox or set fire to the ox or have sex with the ox.

1:24:23 > 1:24:25It's just covet the ox. It's just wanting the ox.

1:24:25 > 1:24:29How do you have an ox market? How do you sell oxes if no-one wants them?

1:24:29 > 1:24:33Any trade will not work if no-one can covet anything.

1:24:33 > 1:24:37It must have been weird, people saying, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox."

1:24:37 > 1:24:40"He's not my neighbour, he lives across the road at number 23.

1:24:40 > 1:24:42"I'm off on a technicality."

1:24:42 > 1:24:46I used to say it's, Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox.

1:24:46 > 1:24:51And that makes more sense, because you can't find your bloody ox.

1:24:51 > 1:24:53"Where's my ox?

1:24:53 > 1:24:55"I can't bloody find the ox now.

1:24:55 > 1:24:57"I was in it. Jim, have you seen my ox?

1:24:57 > 1:24:59"I can't bloody see him anywhere.

1:24:59 > 1:25:02"Someone's just run off with my ox.

1:25:02 > 1:25:04"Where's your duvet?

1:25:05 > 1:25:07"You've lost a duvet, I've lost an ox.

1:25:07 > 1:25:11"There's an ox and duvet stealer going around. I'm going to tell the local...

1:25:11 > 1:25:14"Hang on. Look, here's your duvet.

1:25:14 > 1:25:16"It's moving.

1:25:16 > 1:25:19"Jimbo?

1:25:19 > 1:25:22"You covered up my ox!

1:25:22 > 1:25:27"You covered my ox. Thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's ox, and I'm your bloody neighbour!

1:25:27 > 1:25:30"You're going to go to hell for this."

1:25:30 > 1:25:36Finally tonight, in 1969, the Americans landed on the moon, and I can prove it.

1:25:36 > 1:25:37Because the Russians were also trying to get to the moon.

1:25:37 > 1:25:39Russians had the first satellite in space, the first man in space,

1:25:39 > 1:25:42the first woman in space, the first orbit in space, first space-walk.

1:25:42 > 1:25:45A load of firsts in there, very good, well done to them.

1:25:45 > 1:25:50And they didn't get to the moon first. I'm not sure if it was money or what

1:25:50 > 1:25:51the reason was, but they were sending an

1:25:51 > 1:25:55unmanned probe there, so they would have taken photographs.

1:25:55 > 1:25:56And if the Americans had not gone, they would have

1:25:56 > 1:26:01said, "You did not go, we have photographs, we have videotape, it's a book, two syllables.

1:26:01 > 1:26:05"Come, scientists of the world, we will show you proof."

1:26:05 > 1:26:07Six times they could have proved it.

1:26:07 > 1:26:10It was the Russians, they weren't getting on with the Americans at the time.

1:26:10 > 1:26:16So... A bit like now. So, yes, they did go to the moon, and

1:26:16 > 1:26:18I had a lot invested in that as a child in Bishop's Stortford, watching.

1:26:18 > 1:26:23I didn't live there, but I just thought, "I'll go to Bishop's Stortford.

1:26:23 > 1:26:25Cos it's such a crazy name."

1:26:25 > 1:26:30Because obviously a bishop did have a stortford...whatever it was.

1:26:30 > 1:26:33So... Yeah. And when they landed on the moon,

1:26:33 > 1:26:36that was the time, if there is a God in the universe, he should have come

1:26:36 > 1:26:41down and said, "You are the first ones to make it from the blue one to the grey one, well done.

1:26:41 > 1:26:47"You win Smarties forever and congratulations. Neil, well done.

1:26:47 > 1:26:50"And Buzz... Are you Buzz Lightyear?

1:26:50 > 1:26:51"Ah, you boxed clever there.

1:26:51 > 1:26:56"Well done. Take off your helmets, relax, welcome.

1:26:56 > 1:26:58"Don't take your helmets off, that's a joke.

1:26:58 > 1:27:02"Sorry, my humour's a bit dry.

1:27:02 > 1:27:04"Been hanging out with the British for a while.

1:27:04 > 1:27:07"So, this is the grey one.

1:27:07 > 1:27:11"And it's just a top coat. We're going to paint it at some point. I'm thinking pink.

1:27:11 > 1:27:14"I'm trying to do a snooker thing?

1:27:14 > 1:27:18"Blue one, red one, pink one. Yes, yes. I'm God and I live on the dark side of the moon.

1:27:18 > 1:27:21"Along with Darth Vader.

1:27:22 > 1:27:24BREATHES HEAVILY

1:27:26 > 1:27:28"Hello.

1:27:28 > 1:27:30"And Pink Floyd.

1:27:32 > 1:27:34BREATHES HEAVILY

1:27:34 > 1:27:35"Hello.

1:27:35 > 1:27:39"Who do an excellent group impression of Darth Vader.

1:27:39 > 1:27:46"And here we have a young friend, the Raptor. "Hi." "And the cow." "Moo."

1:27:46 > 1:27:49They just drove here, being chased by these sheep.

1:27:51 > 1:27:54These are mad sheep, who have been trained by Spartan sheep.

1:27:54 > 1:27:56We have the squirrel here. "Hey, man. Don't come here.

1:27:56 > 1:27:59"There's crazy fuckers here. That Raptor's insane, man.

1:27:59 > 1:28:01"He's going to kill everyone."

1:28:01 > 1:28:04- "Then, there's Chicken." - TRUMPET

1:28:04 > 1:28:09"And Mr Gerald, the giant squid." "Giant squid's diary, Day 3009.

1:28:09 > 1:28:13"We're here on the moon with the human beings, they've made it to the moon.

1:28:13 > 1:28:15"They've probably got 100 more years before they blow themselves up.

1:28:15 > 1:28:18"Can they do it? Can they be civilised enough?

1:28:18 > 1:28:21"It's up to them. They have to think out of the box.

1:28:23 > 1:28:24"Good night."

1:28:24 > 1:28:26Good night.

1:29:29 > 1:29:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:29:32 > 1:29:35E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk