0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Wembley, please welcome Michael McIntyre.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Good evening.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Whoo!
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Hello, Wembley!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Ah, good.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54How are you? Good evening. Welcome. Welcome to my show.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56It's Saturday night!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Now, obviously, there would've been various different reactions to your seats tonight.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07People at the back, thank you so much for being here tonight.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09They're miles away!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13To a man, most of those people have sat down and gone,
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"These are shit seats. They're shit seats.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20"We probably should've just bought the DVD.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22"It would be better just watching TV.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25"Is that even him? I mean, it might not even be him."
0:01:25 > 0:01:29"They could've just got any camp, Chinese man to run around.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34"For all I know, that's Gok Wan."
0:01:37 > 0:01:40The best thing about being here at Wembley, it's my local gig.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43I can go home at night and see my family.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45See my boys, Lucas and Oscar.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Quite middle class, let's not lie about that.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50When I go to the park and I call Lucas... "Lucas!"
0:01:50 > 0:01:53About three boys will normally go, "Yes, Daddy?"
0:01:53 > 0:01:54"Papa?" "Father, you called?"
0:01:54 > 0:01:58The other day I said, "Oscar", and three dogs ran over.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01How awkward is that?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"You named your child what I named my dog?"
0:02:04 > 0:02:06He's got no manners, the four-year-old.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10It's cos I have to teach him manners, but you know what kids are like.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12He doesn't know how to speak properly.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16He finishes off his lunch and he goes, "Ice cream!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"I want ice cream now!"
0:02:18 > 0:02:21"What do you say?" "Ice cream!"
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"What do you say?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"Give me ice cream!"
0:02:26 > 0:02:30"What do you say?" "Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream!"
0:02:30 > 0:02:34This goes on for about 15 minutes before he goes, "Please!"
0:02:34 > 0:02:36You have to give him ice cream because he said please.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I think he thinks you have to shout about something for 15 minutes
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and then say please, and then you get it.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43I need to nip that in the bud.
0:02:43 > 0:02:48Otherwise he's going to go on his first date at 18, finishing up dinner, going, "Sex!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"I want sex now!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56"Give me sex!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"Please!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:02My other boy, he's one.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05I had a little bit of an incident with him the other day
0:03:05 > 0:03:08when I was playing the Nintendo Wii, which I'm particularly good at.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I would challenge any of you to Grand Slam Tennis.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I'm amazing at it, phenomenal. I got it for the calorie-burning.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16People said it's quite good for losing weight.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19The first few times I played it, I had the headband on,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21my shorts on, I'm running around the living room.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25And you do burn calories, cos you're playing tennis, in your living room.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28But after a while you realise you're just as good,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30if not better, lying on the sofa, eating a hamburger.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40If there's an area of my body that doesn't require a workout,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43it's going to be the wrist area, if I'm brutally honest with you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48This is a muscle I've been training quite religiously now for some years.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It's amazing how many sports do just use the wrists.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Darts, and badminton, snooker, although I can't play snooker any more.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Ever since somebody told me it's like tossing off a man behind you, sort of...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Sort of put me off that particular sport.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17So I'm playing on the Wii, right. I'm playing Roger Federer.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21It's the French Open, we're on clay. Semi-final.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23We're involved in this massive baseline rally.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It is me, cos you can create your own face on the Wii,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29which is quite depressing cos you realise how unattractive you are
0:04:29 > 0:04:31when you go through the options.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Face - wider, wider, paler, more pale.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Download more pale.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Eyes - more slanty.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"Why are you married to me?" "I've no idea. You're THAT ugly."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"Am I really?"
0:04:43 > 0:04:47So, it's Roger Federer against some kind of obese Michael Chang at the French Open.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48HE GRUNTS
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I'm literally grunting through my shots. I do tend to grunt.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56In most sports, I'm that unfit - even chess.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00HE GRUNTS
0:05:00 > 0:05:04So this rally's going on, I'm sweating, I'm off the sofa now.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I'm really getting into it. Federer plays this sublime drop-shot.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I charge across the living room and smack it down the line for a winner
0:05:12 > 0:05:14and then celebrate my break of serve.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Come on!"
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Unfortunately, my one-year-old, Oscar, had walked into the room at this very moment
0:05:21 > 0:05:26with love and adoration in his eyes, as only a boy has for his father.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28And up till this point, I've been very good to him.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31He ran into the room, "Hello, Dada."
0:05:31 > 0:05:35I then hurtled towards him with venom in my eyes,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39and smacked him in the face.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43The poor boy knows nothing of the Nintendo Wii.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45He thinks I've just completely turned on him.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50I've picked up some kind of white brick, rolled towards him,
0:05:50 > 0:05:53smacked him in the face and then celebrated.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Come on!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"Shit! Something's happened to Oscar."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00My other son saw it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"You just hit Ozzy in the face!" "Do not tell your mother."
0:06:03 > 0:06:07"I'm telling Mummy." "Do not tell your mother!"
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"I'm telling Mummy."
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"Do not tell your mother!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"I'm telling Mummy."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Please!"
0:06:15 > 0:06:17"OK, I won't tell Mummy.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21"I want ice cream." "Whatever you want!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:25The poor kid, now every time I pick up the Wii, he shits himself.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I've had to put it in the cupboard. My wife got it out the other day.
0:06:28 > 0:06:33"Shall we play on this?" "No, Dada, no!"
0:06:33 > 0:06:35We're having trouble potty-training him.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"Do you need a Wii?" "No!"
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I'm into all technology. I'm particularly enjoying Sky Plus at the moment.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47You can pause live TV. Pause it.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And it's a good pause, as well, the perfect...
0:06:49 > 0:06:55Everything you want from pause. Not like the old 1980s VHS pause, that was a very different story.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04People who weren't even moving would start moving.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"I wasn't even moving in this scene." People in paintings.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Then you can watch it back at any speed.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Times two, times six, times 12, times 30.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I watch the football in times six. It whizzes along.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Deal or No Deal in times 30 is much more entertaining.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26I watch all TV, even just to slag it off. Dragons' Den.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28How arrogant are those men?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30And woman.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34We know you're rich, you don't need to bring cash with you.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"Look how loaded I am. I brought all this cash.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44"All my bank accounts are full, so I've had to bring additional cash with me."
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"Have you got cash, Theo Paphitis?" "Oh, yes. I'm as rich as you are.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"That's why my table is filled with cash, just like you."
0:07:51 > 0:07:55"What about you, other two Dragons?" "We've got lots of cash.
0:07:55 > 0:08:01"Tables full of cash. We're totally loaded." "All right, bring in the first poor person."
0:08:03 > 0:08:05They come in, trembling.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Hello... Hello, Dragons.
0:08:09 > 0:08:15"Please, please can I have some cash for the ideas in my brain?"
0:08:17 > 0:08:22"I feel sick just looking at the poor person's face.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27"You disgust me. Everything about your being, and your clothes are hideous.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30"For that reason, I'm out."
0:08:32 > 0:08:33"Are you out, Theo Paphitis?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:37"I will be out, but first I'm going to humiliate the poor person for 15 minutes,
0:08:37 > 0:08:42"and confuse her with mathematics, before declaring that I am out too".
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I'd like to go on Dragons' Den with a shotgun.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I'd just like to go there, point it at each of them individually,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50until one of them goes, "So, what's your idea?"
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"Quite simple. Put that cash in this bag. OK?
0:08:52 > 0:08:56"You get no equity." That's my idea.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I like some TV.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05I liked watching people getting their exam results live a few weeks ago on GMTV. How exciting was that!
0:09:05 > 0:09:11"We're going to go live now to a school where someone's opening their results live on TV."
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"Darling, it's going to be live on TV."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16They come out of school with an envelope, trembling.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20We all edge closer to the TV, thinking exactly the same thing.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Fail.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I'll watch TV till the bitter end.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Literally to the early hours of the morning, till the signing zone, the deaf zone.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33That's when you feel it's probably time for bed.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37When there's somebody in the corner, signing,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39you tend to think, "This isn't really for me, maybe."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42They almost look at you like, "You shouldn't be...
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"This isn't for you, is it?
0:09:44 > 0:09:48"Should have watched this in the day, when it was on the first time.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50"Why don't you go and dream in sound?
0:09:50 > 0:09:55"You can do that, others can't. Have some respect for the signing zone."
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I like it when there's no dialogue in the programme and they watch TV with you.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13How can they even see it? Is that how they watch TV at home?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Tough day at work? Stand directly next to the TV.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I don't know, by the way, if I am signing.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I don't speak sign language.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24This is more how I dance.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43I watched The Blue Planet, the other day on the signing zone.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47This is the show where David Attenborough discovered creatures from the deep
0:10:47 > 0:10:52for the very first time on the show, and named them, cos they'd never been discovered before.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56So he was like, "Here we have the newly-discovered dypalotodicus."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58And the signing guy was like...
0:11:03 > 0:11:07He resorted to impersonating the fish. It was hilarious.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11There was a fish swimming on the TV and he was just underneath, going...
0:11:18 > 0:11:20I saw Prime Minister's Questions on it once
0:11:20 > 0:11:24and it seemed like the signing guy had his own political agenda.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Gordon Brown was going, "We must fight the credit crisis head on."
0:11:27 > 0:11:29The guy in the corner was...
0:11:35 > 0:11:37So I've been here all week.
0:11:37 > 0:11:43The thing that really annoys me, having these massive screens, is that I can't see what you see.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I can't... I have no idea what I actually look like...
0:11:48 > 0:11:50..in the screen.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03It's extremely frustrating. That's the back of my head, incidentally.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06That's what I look like from the back.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It's very rare that you ever see what you look like from the back.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12You only ever see the back of your head at the end of a haircut.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15That's the only time most people see the back of their head.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And let's be honest, we genuinely don't give a shit.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23People care greatly what they look like from the front, from the back, not interested. Especially men.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26It's a very awkward moment for a man at the end of a haircut,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29when we're presented with the back of our head.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And they look at you for approval.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34"Do you like the work I've done back here?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:39In the history of hairdressing, no man has ever reacted in this moment in any other way other than...
0:12:39 > 0:12:40"Yeah."
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Do people go, "I love it, I'm leaving backwards!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46"I'm spending the rest of my life in reverse."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53We don't care. Men are just grateful to still have hair.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55We don't care what the haircut...
0:12:55 > 0:12:58When you go for a haircut, they ask you questions before even the hairwash.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01"So what are we doing today?" Some kind of consultation.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05We have nothing to say at this moment. "Haircut, that's what I want.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09"I want to leave here with less hair than when I entered in the building."
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I like people who go bald,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16but a little bit stays in the middle.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Like a little island of hair that breaks away from the mainland.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23And they keep the island. They must think, "Shall I keep the island?
0:13:23 > 0:13:27"I'll keep the island. Maybe I can build a little walkway to the mainland."
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I saw one bloke with this and it was in the shape of an arrow.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33He had a pretty decent arrow on the top of his head.
0:13:33 > 0:13:39And I wondered, when people ask him directions, does he tell them or just go...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Of course, it's a very different story for women.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Hairdressing, layers, and colours and tints.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48My wife has all these lotions and potions.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49The amount of creaming she does.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Hours! She comes out of the shower.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55We're still two or three hours from getting into the bed.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Creaming, different creams...
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"Just creaming myself, Michael. Be with you in about 45 minutes.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07"Just creaming my entire body, sliding across..."
0:14:11 > 0:14:13She said to me the other day, "Can you get me this cream?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"It's a miracle, must-have cream, really expensive."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I said, "What's it for? You've got all the creams in the world."
0:14:19 > 0:14:22She said, "It's for wrinkles." "You don't have any wrinkles".
0:14:22 > 0:14:27"I know. If I use this cream every single day for the rest of my life, I'll never have wrinkles.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That's why it's a miracle, must-have cream."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I'm like, "When are you even due to have wrinkles?"
0:14:31 > 0:14:33"I don't know, Michael. 20 years."
0:14:33 > 0:14:38"20 years?! You want me to buy you something 20 years in advance of you maybe getting it?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42"This sounds like a rip-off to me. All right? And I will take it back.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"I don't like to be ripped off.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"I'm more than happy to walk in there in 2029 and go,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50"'I purchased this cream 20 years ago, I've got the receipt,
0:14:50 > 0:14:55"'which you'll notice is in a better condition than the face of my wife. I want a full refund.'"
0:14:59 > 0:15:02These cosmetics departments are the weirdest places I've ever seen.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Big, bright lights everywhere, and people working there,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08they seem to have every product they sell on their face.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10They can't even move their own faces.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"Can I interest you with anything from the Clarins range?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"It's all over my face.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"Just pick what you want from the face."
0:15:21 > 0:15:23They even asked me a question as I was walking through.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25"Excuse me, sir." "What is it?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"Quick question about your face."
0:15:28 > 0:15:30"Sorry? You have a question about my face?"
0:15:30 > 0:15:32"Yes, it's looking very dry."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"I should have a wet face, should I?
0:15:34 > 0:15:38"You don't have a wet face. Don't see anybody else with a wet face."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41She asked one of the most difficult questions I've ever been asked.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"What is your daily skin routine?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:51"Every day, I have skin. What exactly are you getting at?"
0:15:51 > 0:15:55But I don't want you to think that I'm not a generous man.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I did recently buy her a very beautiful dress.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01We went out shopping especially for a dress.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Shopping for clothing can be quite tense with her... with any woman, I think.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Because she's the same size, but in different shops,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12she's different sizes, depending on how they interpret a different size.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I really don't know why this is.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18But she can range from a size 8, and then next door ,she'll be a size 12.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21And if she's an 8, we have a really lovely day together.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26If she's a 12, we have to go home immediately.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32It gets to the point, she's more interested in the size than what she's trying on.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35She'll be like. "Michael, it's an eight.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"It's an eight and it fits me really, really well.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43"It's an eight. It just sort of slides on, and it's an eight.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47"You don't know what this means. I've been waiting for this moment." "It's an eight."
0:16:47 > 0:16:50"Darling, it's a shoe. Why are you so excited?"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55We're looking around for this dress.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58A personal shopper, I've never met one of these before.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03The campiest man I've ever met in my entire life who literally jumped into our life.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I've never seen anyone so camp they jumped into our life.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10We were looking around, browsing, he came running up, "Excuse me! Hello!
0:17:12 > 0:17:17"Are you shopping here today?" I have a bit of an issue with very camp, gay men,
0:17:17 > 0:17:21and my issue is that I realise I'm quite camp myself.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And I feel that if I behave normally, as a heterosexual,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I'm treading on their territory a bit.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31So I tend to go in the opposite direction. "Are you shopping here today?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- DEEP VOICE:- "What does it look like, mate? Waiting for a train?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Naturally I would've gone, "Yes, and you can help. Yay!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:47So he takes us into this room and starts showing us all these dresses.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51And my wife's loving them. It's very exciting. All these designer dresses.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I knew it was too expensive. I knew there was problems here, when he gave me champagne as well.
0:17:56 > 0:18:01"You have a glass of champagne and just sit there, and let us girls sort this out, OK?"
0:18:01 > 0:18:05So finally she finds this one, she loves it. The guy's practically in tears.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08"So beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."
0:18:08 > 0:18:11My wife's like, "Can we afford it, Michael?"
0:18:11 > 0:18:15"No, we can't afford it." I knew this was going to happen.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Nobody can afford this dress, it's a joke.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21People shouldn't spend this kind of money on something you can't drive. OK? It's not natural.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27But I could see how happy she was with it and I could see the disappointment in her eyes,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29and quite frankly, I sensed an opportunity.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34So I said, "Look, I can see how beautiful you look in this,
0:18:34 > 0:18:39"and I know that we've come here for a reason, and I want to make you happy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"I love you. It's a special occasion".
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I was thinking mainly about the blow job. "I think that you deserve it."
0:18:45 > 0:18:51You know what it's like, after 10 years in a relationship, blow jobs work on a sort of reward structure.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54There's no spontaneity left in a relationship.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58If I do a series of good things, she will make an announcement.
0:18:58 > 0:19:03Somebody might be getting a blow job later. "Me? Is it me? Is it me?"
0:19:03 > 0:19:07I've even noticed over the years, I seem to be getting blow jobs on my birthday,
0:19:07 > 0:19:11which led to me on my last birthday actually saying the words,
0:19:11 > 0:19:15"Darling, will I be getting a birthday blow job today?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Then you enter into serious negotiating.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21"Yes, Michael, you will. Would you like a quick one now or a long one later?"
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"I've got a lot to do in the kitchen."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"Ah, how romantic. Let me consider those options.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32A quick one now in case one of us dies at lunch. How about that? "
0:19:32 > 0:19:38So I said to her, "Come on, let's just get this dress before I change my mind. Let's get it and go."
0:19:38 > 0:19:43And she says, "I need a clutch." "You need a what?" "I need a clutch!"
0:19:43 > 0:19:45"Sorry, there's something wrong with the car?
0:19:47 > 0:19:52"You tell me now?" "No, it's called a clutch bag. It goes with the dress, like an outfit.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Do you not know anything about fashion?"
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I said, "No, what is it?" "It's a bag for your essentials.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03"Lipstick, keys, phone, that kind of thing." You clutch it like that, and it matches the dress."
0:20:03 > 0:20:09"All right. How much is that?" £500! £500? For a bag for your lipstick, and your keys and your phone?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14I said, "For £500, I could hire a human being to walk alongside you
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"holding your lipstick and your keys and your phone".
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It's fun watching anybody trying things on.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30People behave very oddly when they try things on, don't they?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33When they put dresses on, and trousers.
0:20:33 > 0:20:38You walk in a way you'll never actually walk once you purchase the trousers.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43She walks into the changing room like a normal human being holding the trousers.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Then she comes out, doing this "What do you think? What do you think of these trousers?
0:20:47 > 0:20:53I think they're quite nice. "Mmm." "What are you doing?" "I'm seeing if they fit."
0:20:53 > 0:20:55"You don't need to be doing that in trousers."
0:20:55 > 0:21:01Men do the same thing, when I put a suit on. There's this whole suit thing, that you do.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05What do you think of this suit? I think it's pretty good.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08No-one's ever done this when they own the suit.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10But when they're trying it on,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14there's a huge preparation for acting like a complete freak in a suit.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19You wouldn't go to a business meeting going, "Hello, my name's Ian.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"Just got a new suit and trousers."
0:21:23 > 0:21:26The main one is with shoes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30When you try shoes on, you will go for a walk in the shoe shop,
0:21:30 > 0:21:37but it's not a walk you'll ever do anywhere else outside of the shoe shop.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40It's a shoe-shop walk. You walk around in this sort of...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I quite like these shoes. I don't think they'll rub.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46I'm going to bang it for a bit.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49I think they're quite comfortable.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It'll be perfect for my Elvis impersonation.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Let me just push them with my thumb for no reason at all.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05The toe is in the toe section.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06That's ideal.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09All the other toes are there.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13If the toe was at the back, I wouldn't buy them.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14That'd be bizarre.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17The sides are filled with the sides of my feet.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22Perfect. Everything I wanted happened when I went down there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I think I might definitely get these. They even have mirrors
0:22:25 > 0:22:28where you can look at the shoe from a different angle.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32Ah, look, there's the shoe from that angle. Hmm!
0:22:32 > 0:22:33The cat will love them.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37That's probably what the cat will see.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39They even give you one shoe.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43These lazy people who work in shoe shops, they bring out the shoes,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45they lace up one and hand you the one.
0:22:45 > 0:22:50And do we say, "Excuse me, people in life wear two shoes"?
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"You're wearing two shoes now!" Oh, no, we don't.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57We take the one shoe, we go for a walk in that.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03This is good, I love this shoe.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Give me two of these!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Why would you walk around the shoe shop in one shoe?
0:23:11 > 0:23:13There's no moment in your life
0:23:13 > 0:23:16that we would ever be recreating this moment.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"Wallet, keys, phone, I'm late. One shoe, I've got to go to a meeting."
0:23:23 > 0:23:25It's not just clothes that you try. Everything.
0:23:25 > 0:23:31You buy a sofa, you start bouncing on it and rubbing the fabric.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Nobody sits like this at home. People don't come round to your house. "Do take a seat."
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I tried a bed and you lie on the bed.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Not how you'd normally sleep, like this. Next to my wife, as well. "I like this bed.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"Do you like the bed?" It's a really good bed."
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"Will we be using it as a coffin?" "Evidently we will, darling."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58I bought a Hoover from Comet.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02They love electricals. Everything they sell is electric.
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Which means you have to plug it in. But nothing in the shop is plugged in.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11And the whole shop is filled with people trying things out, but not for their primary function.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15They're just looking at fridges by opening them and closing them.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18No-one asks whether it actually makes food colder?
0:24:18 > 0:24:23"Look at this one, it opens like that and closes. I like it, and it's silver."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Look at this oven, it opens, it's got trays and dials!
0:24:27 > 0:24:34I love trays and dials! "Does it heat food?" "I don't give a shit. It's got dials and trays."
0:24:34 > 0:24:39I was trying a Hoover and I felt the need to hoover around the shop a bit.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43Just to feel the weight of the Hoover. It wasn't plugged in.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I just took it for a little spin.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50As I was hoovering down the aisle, somebody else was trying their Hoover and hoovered past me.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54"Hello. Good Hoover. I used to have that model."
0:24:54 > 0:24:58There's two distinctive styles of hoovering. Either you walk with your Hoover, like this.
0:24:58 > 0:25:03Then you get to the end and you hoover around and you follow in behind.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Or you stand your ground and hoover out.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Then you just pick another spot at random. Hoover out again.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24If you can't get into a nook, the hose will come out.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It's exciting when you think, "We'll utilise the hose now."
0:25:27 > 0:25:30You stand up and take the hose out.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Before you hoover with the hose, for some reason you feel the excitement building.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You have to hoover yourself. I don't really know why.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39You know what it'll feel like.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41You know that it's a suction device.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44You just feel the need to confirm it.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46MIMICS HOOVER WHIRRING
0:25:57 > 0:26:03It's just one of those signs that life is quite boring when you decide to hoover yourself.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06"Looking for a job today?" "Hoovering my own face earlier."
0:26:06 > 0:26:12I've been eating too much, let's be honest, cos I've been on the road. I'm trying to lose weight. Exercise.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17People say you can eat as much as you like as long as you exercise. I've tried.
0:26:17 > 0:26:22The gym's a horror story. The changing rooms, I just can't cope with it.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I don't understand men's philosophies towards nakedness. OK?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Men in this very room behave like this and I don't understand you.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33If I have to be naked in public, I'll be naked for a short amount of time as is possible.
0:26:33 > 0:26:38I will get my fresh, new pants, line them up. Get the perfect distance away.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Take off old pants, put new pants on!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I'm back in pants.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Sometimes I go too quickly. I'm in two pants. I don't give a shit.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53I'd rather have two pants than no pants.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56Other men have completely the opposite philosophy of this.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59They'll come out of the shower, sort of air-drying.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Towel-drying their arses!
0:27:01 > 0:27:05I have never towel-dried my arse in my entire life. I don't need to.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09I don't leak water from my arse.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12But other men, they spend hours working away at the arse area.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Going through dozens of fresh towels.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19But they don't do it in the corner against the wall.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24They're right out there in the open, looking at you, "Yes, I'm towel-drying my arse now."
0:27:24 > 0:27:28And I see men put their pants on last. Literally last.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32They come out of the shower, you know, they put the... Shirt goes on
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and everything's flapping around down there.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Tie goes on, look who's still in town.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Jacket.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Coat.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Scarf.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Top hat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Yeah, baby.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52Shoes and socks. How's that even possible? What are you going to do? Sew your trousers on now?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55People dropping keys.
0:27:55 > 0:28:00I saw one guy blow-drying his pubic hair in the hand dryer. That should be illegal.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Standing there talking about house prices. "Do you think we've reached the bottom?"
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I see people running to each other.
0:28:09 > 0:28:15If I saw somebody I knew in the gym changing room, I'd hide in the locker.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17This guy was, like, "Mark?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"Richard! Is that you?
0:28:21 > 0:28:25"I didn't know you were a member of this gym."
0:28:25 > 0:28:29"Yeah, I just moved into the area recently. What's it like here?"
0:28:30 > 0:28:32You literally don't know where to look.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I sat down once to do my shoelaces.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43I will never go to this height in that environment again.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47There were lockers above me. Somebody's looking for their locker. They're edging over.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50I'm sitting here doing my laces up.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Ahh!
0:28:56 > 0:29:01The final straw was a bloke who came over to me, "Excuse me, have you got the time?"
0:29:01 > 0:29:03"Time to put your pants on, OK?"
0:29:10 > 0:29:15I actually started this whole process in Taunton in the West Country...
0:29:15 > 0:29:19- SMALL CHEER - ..where two people have joined us tonight.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22In the West Country, they speak like this. They go...
0:29:22 > 0:29:27- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- "All right. You all right? Welcome to Somerset. You all right?"
0:29:27 > 0:29:32- Bizarrely, in East Anglia, which is the opposite side of the country... - BIGGER CHEER
0:29:32 > 0:29:36..where several people have joined us tonight, they speak like this.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39- EAST ANGLIAN ACCENT:- "Hello! You all right? Welcome to Norwich."
0:29:39 > 0:29:41How on earth did this happen?
0:29:41 > 0:29:43Opposite sides of the country.
0:29:43 > 0:29:48The country is divided into, "All right!" "Hello!" "All right!" How did it happen?
0:29:51 > 0:29:56Did a whole lot of farmers just arrive and go, "Right, let's split up.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00You guys go that way, we'll wait here." "All right." "Hello."
0:30:00 > 0:30:03"Keep walking."
0:30:03 > 0:30:04"All right."
0:30:06 > 0:30:11In the interval in my gig there, this woman came in and said, "Hello, Michael, my name is Margaret.
0:30:11 > 0:30:17"I'm the duty manager here. This is my assistant, Jenny. Say hello, Jenny." "Hello. My name's Jenny."
0:30:17 > 0:30:20Jenny was quite something to behold. She had eyes pointing in different directions.
0:30:20 > 0:30:25It's awkward, you don't know whether to ignore it or pick one and get in front of it.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31Margaret said, "Michael, did you get your sandwich?
0:30:31 > 0:30:34"I made you your sandwich myself with my assistant, Jenny,
0:30:34 > 0:30:37"and I was wondering whether you enjoyed your sandwich."
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Now, it was a terrible sandwich.
0:30:38 > 0:30:41Out of politeness I said, "Thank you, Margaret, for my sandwich."
0:30:41 > 0:30:44But this sandwich was an abomination.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47This sandwich consisted of tomato and lettuce and no further ingredients.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49There was nothing else in this sandwich.
0:30:49 > 0:30:52I couldn't even believe it was a sandwich.
0:30:52 > 0:30:55A sandwich needs a focal ingredient, a meat or a cheese, then you accessorise around it.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57This was an accessory sandwich.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59A humiliation of a sandwich.
0:30:59 > 0:31:00And I've been thinking, subsequently, who in their right mind
0:31:00 > 0:31:03would present this and even call it a sandwich?
0:31:03 > 0:31:07And the only conclusion I came to is that she was trying to make me a BLT, but got confused cos of
0:31:07 > 0:31:09the B in bread. It's the only real thought I've had.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11LAUGHTER
0:31:11 > 0:31:16She was in the kitchen with Jenny, going, "Right, we're going to go for a classic here today, the BLT.
0:31:16 > 0:31:20"We're gonna need B for bread, pass that.
0:31:20 > 0:31:24L, that'll be the lettuce, "and T will have to be the tomato. That's that done."
0:31:24 > 0:31:28"Margaret!" "What is it, Jenny? You shouldn't be interrupting me, you should be listening and learning."
0:31:28 > 0:31:30"Isn't there supposed to be bacon in a BLT?"
0:31:30 > 0:31:32"I have heard the rumours.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36"However, that would create the BBLT.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39"I've already had to lose the butter to get to this point as it is, Jenny."
0:31:41 > 0:31:45"Next up, G and T, this one's easy. Glass and tonic. That's that done.
0:31:45 > 0:31:46"You're getting these there in one day."
0:31:48 > 0:31:50My wife has a gin and tonic of an evening.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53I'll just take some wine. We have a drinks cabinet.
0:31:53 > 0:31:56Many people will have drinks cabinets in their home.
0:31:56 > 0:31:58You like to show people, "This is all our drinks."
0:31:58 > 0:31:59You look at it on your own and you're like, "I hope people come
0:31:59 > 0:32:03"round and see all the drinks I've collected through my life."
0:32:03 > 0:32:06And there are drinks in there that you know you will never ever drink until you die.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09But you just like to have them there, cos it looks a bit like a bar.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13Let's be honest. From this moment till the day I die, I will
0:32:13 > 0:32:16never utter the words, "I think I'll have a glass of Cinzano."
0:32:16 > 0:32:19But I have it. It's there if I need it.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27Wine's a weird one because everyone pretends to be experts in wine.
0:32:27 > 0:32:34We've all got this sort of... We all just take part in this weird lie, that we're all connoisseurs in wine.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36A lot of people drink and like wine, but let's be honest,
0:32:36 > 0:32:40at least 90% of us are not experts in the field of wine.
0:32:40 > 0:32:46When we go out to restaurants, we all play this sort of bullshit production that we know about wine.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Nobody at the table knows anything about wine.
0:32:48 > 0:32:51The waiter himself, he knows nothing about wine.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54We know red colour and white colour. That's all you know.
0:32:54 > 0:32:59But you all pretend you know a great deal more. "Would you like to see the wine list?"
0:32:59 > 0:33:01He might as well be saying, "Would you like the book of gibberish?"
0:33:01 > 0:33:03"Yes, I would."
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Let me pretend I'm looking at that.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Ignore all the words and focus entirely on the prices. Let's see that.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13It's all part of the bullshit production.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Then they come and show you the bottle.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18You have to stop your conversation to stare at a bottle of wine.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23But you go along with it because it's all part of it.
0:33:23 > 0:33:28It's the only part of the meal you need to witness that it's coming from the right source.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33It's not like you order a hamburger and they come up with a photo of a cow. "This is a cow.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35"This is the kind of thing. Are you happy with this?" "Yes, that's exactly the kind of thing
0:33:35 > 0:33:37"I meant when I ordered a hamburger."
0:33:38 > 0:33:44Then they open it in front of you. You have to witness the opening of the wine. Complete nonsense.
0:33:44 > 0:33:47It's not like you have the steak and they come out and go,
0:33:47 > 0:33:49"I'm just flipping those over now, all right, just that part of it.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52"So you can see what's going on."
0:33:52 > 0:33:54Then comes the big, the key part.
0:33:54 > 0:33:56The pouring of the wine. Who will try the wine?
0:33:56 > 0:34:01Who will take the lead role in this bullshit production?
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Nobody wants to do it. "You do it. I don't want to do it."
0:34:04 > 0:34:09Normally someone will give you up. "You do it." "OK, OK. I will try the wine."
0:34:09 > 0:34:11It's almost as if time stands still.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14Pour a little bit, everyone's staring at you.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16The waiter is waiting for your verdict.
0:34:22 > 0:34:25"Yes.
0:34:26 > 0:34:27"That's wine.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"That is wine. I've had wine before.
0:34:30 > 0:34:31"This is exactly what it tastes like.
0:34:31 > 0:34:36"It looks like Ribena, but I confirm it isn't Ribena, it's wine. Everyone should have some of this."
0:34:36 > 0:34:39I always thought you were tasting it to see if you liked it. I thought it was like a taste test.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Apparently you're tasting it to see if it's corked, which means it's off.
0:34:42 > 0:34:47They're asking you to determine whether it's off, and if it's off, they'll bring you another bottle.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50I'm paying for it, why don't you ascertain in your own time
0:34:50 > 0:34:53whether it's off or not, and if it is, don't serve it to me.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56It's not like you ordered a coffee and they come up with the milk, going, "It smells funny.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59"Will you try it for me?"
0:35:02 > 0:35:03Cheesy!
0:35:06 > 0:35:09But you go along with it, cos it's restaurant.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12You just go along with things in restaurants,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14cos you think it's the way you have to behave in restaurants. You sit in this most expensive restaurant...
0:35:14 > 0:35:17"Would you like some bread for the table? Some water for the table?"
0:35:17 > 0:35:19The table's having a better night than I am at this rate.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22And who actually wants bread and water before your meal?
0:35:22 > 0:35:25I could get this in an orphanage. I'm paying a lot of money to be here.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29But you go along with it, cos you're in a restaurant.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31You order your main course. "Would you like some side orders?"
0:35:31 > 0:35:34No, just give me food on a plate!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37I don't need satellites of food surrounding my food.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Is it to make you feel like you're eating less?
0:35:39 > 0:35:43"Yes, I would like some side orders. "In fact, I'd like some potato dauphinoise behind me.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44"Put them behind me.
0:35:46 > 0:35:48"I want carrots in a drawer under the table.
0:35:48 > 0:35:53"Cream of spinach behind the cistern in the loo. No-one will ever know."
0:35:53 > 0:35:57But you go along with it cos you're in a restaurant. Coffee as well. At the end of a meal, even at dinner.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59at night, you're about to go to bed.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Can I get anyone a coffee?
0:36:01 > 0:36:04If my wife said to me at home, at 11.30 at night, after dinner, "Do you want a coffee?"
0:36:04 > 0:36:08I'd go, "Have you lost your mind? Why would I want a coffee?
0:36:08 > 0:36:11"You're talking about the drink that we get ourselves out of bed in the morning with?
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"The high-caffeine drink to get you going in the day?
0:36:14 > 0:36:18"You want to have that now before bed? Is this some kind of an experiment, you nutter?"
0:36:18 > 0:36:22In a restaurant, "Yes, I think I'll have a latte. "What would you like?"
0:36:22 > 0:36:26"An espresso for me. Just an espresso.
0:36:26 > 0:36:27"Two o'clock in the morning.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30"Why did I order that?
0:36:30 > 0:36:36"I can't sleep. Can you sleep?" "Of course I can't sleep. I had an espresso...and coffee cake."
0:36:36 > 0:36:39"I might just go to work now and wait there."
0:36:39 > 0:36:42"But it's Friday!" "I don't care!"
0:36:45 > 0:36:47You go along with it cos you're in a restaurant.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50But it doesn't matter what you order, ladies and gentlemen,
0:36:50 > 0:36:53the mainstay of any meal will be salt and pepper.
0:36:53 > 0:37:00Salt and pepper are so phenomenally successful in the herb and spice arena.
0:37:00 > 0:37:02They arrogantly sit on the table,
0:37:02 > 0:37:07knowing that whatever you want to prepare you will require one of us.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Either myself, or my dear friend Pep. "Isn't that right?" "Right you are, Salty."
0:37:10 > 0:37:15"You've been keeping busy?" "Ah, breakfast this morning, I was all over that."
0:37:15 > 0:37:20But there are other herbs and spices. Oregano, thyme, rosemary, cumin, paprika.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22They're all lined up in the cupboard, waiting.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27Sometimes the cupboard door opens, they see salt and pepper on the table.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30"Look at them, the bastards.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35"What've they got? What've they got that we don't have?
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"I just don't get it." "I don't get it either." "Neither do I."
0:37:37 > 0:37:39"I can't even see them from here.
0:37:39 > 0:37:41"What do they look like?"
0:37:44 > 0:37:45"You ever been out of the cupboard, Cumin?"
0:37:45 > 0:37:48"Once, I think, for Bolognese.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50"They said it was an experiment.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52"That was in 1992. I don't think it worked.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53"But I remain hopeful."
0:37:57 > 0:37:59"What about you, Sage? You ever been out of the cupboard?"
0:37:59 > 0:38:01"I actually used to live with them at their old house.
0:38:01 > 0:38:06"And then they moved me here and put me back in this cupboard. No."
0:38:09 > 0:38:12"What about you, Paprika?"
0:38:12 > 0:38:14"I fell out once.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22They just put me back in the wrong way round.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28"Seven years I was like this.
0:38:29 > 0:38:33"Every day I pray. I pray for it to be goulash day.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"But it is never goulash day.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39"I still got the plastic on my head. Why did they buy me?
0:38:39 > 0:38:41"I don't understand it."
0:38:43 > 0:38:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:47 > 0:38:51"What about you? Who are you on the end?"
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"My name is Five-spice."
0:38:57 > 0:39:00"Have you ever been out of the cupboard, Five-spice?"
0:39:00 > 0:39:06"I am not one spice. I am five-spice.
0:39:07 > 0:39:11"I am five times as good as all of you!"
0:39:11 > 0:39:19"Yes, but have you ever been out of the cupboard?" "I have been used in recipes for thousands of years."
0:39:19 > 0:39:22"But have you ever been out of this cupboard?" "No."
0:39:25 > 0:39:28"Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt all this nonsense.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32"Tired of listening to all your whining, cos the fact is I have been
0:39:32 > 0:39:38"in this cupboard for longer than all of you put together."
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"Sorry, who are you?" "John West Tuna. Nice to meet you."
0:39:44 > 0:39:47"This is my wife, Tinned Salmon."
0:39:54 > 0:39:57I'll tell you my big news. My big news is that I've moved. I've moved.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I've moved very locally to here. It's always exciting moving.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03I got a mortgage for the first time. I filled it out.
0:40:03 > 0:40:08They said, "Make sure you don't leave anything blank in the application cos it could delay it."
0:40:08 > 0:40:09And it said, "Occupation", so I put "Comedian".
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Then it said, "Position".
0:40:13 > 0:40:16I went for "Stand-up". I thought that was the closest.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22It's exciting moving in all your stuff.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25And where to move? Always London for me.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27And it is safe for me to say this now, cos we're in London.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30I belong to London. Everyone lives here cos, you know, it's a good place to live.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32A lot of people keep going flirting with the country.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"Oh, I love it in the country. "Oh, I can't wait to get out of London.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37"You know, it's just amazing.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40"You know, you can just see for miles. Just for miles and miles.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43"You can see for miles and it's so quiet, you can't hear anything."
0:40:43 > 0:40:45That's cos nobody wants to live there.
0:40:45 > 0:40:50I live in a place filled with people. I can't hear a thing.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54"I can see for miles and everyone says hello to you."
0:40:54 > 0:40:57"That's cos there's three people living in your village.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59"In London everyone's so rude. No-one says hello to you."
0:40:59 > 0:41:02"That's cos it's physically impossible."
0:41:02 > 0:41:06You can't get on the tube and go, "Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello."
0:41:08 > 0:41:14A clue as to how shit it is in the country is how quickly people tell you they can get back to London.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16"I'm just so happy here. I can be in London in 42 minutes.
0:41:16 > 0:41:22"42 minutes I can be in London. The other day I did it in 39 minutes!"
0:41:22 > 0:41:26I wake up in the morning, "I'm in London! Zero minutes."
0:41:29 > 0:41:32The most important thing when I was moving was to get internet and TV.
0:41:32 > 0:41:34That's right. These are the most important things in my life.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36Furniture, I can wait.
0:41:36 > 0:41:41I can't not have the internet and proper TV on day one of the move.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43Google is the starting point to everything. Google.
0:41:43 > 0:41:46Although I do find Google quite patronising when it goes, "Did you mean... "
0:41:46 > 0:41:49"I know what I meant, Google."
0:41:50 > 0:41:52My computer broke, actually, quite recently.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55I took it to the computer-fixing shop. There was a queue of people.
0:41:55 > 0:41:57There was a person in front of me, a person behind me.
0:41:57 > 0:41:59You've probably seen queues,
0:41:59 > 0:42:01they're much like this. The person in front of me says,
0:42:01 > 0:42:04"Excuse me, mate, I'm looking for a lead that goes from my laptop to the TV.
0:42:04 > 0:42:08"I think it's a male to male lead?"
0:42:08 > 0:42:10And the bloke behind me just went, "Gay."
0:42:12 > 0:42:14He heard the words "male to male"
0:42:14 > 0:42:18and his brain just went, "That's gay. That lead is gay."
0:42:18 > 0:42:21Laptop to TV? That's not natural.
0:42:21 > 0:42:23It's in the Bible.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28Sky TV, essential. Phoned them up, "I need it on day one.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"What time you coming around?" "We can't specify a time, sir.
0:42:30 > 0:42:36We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."
0:42:36 > 0:42:39"I can't wait all day for you. I've got a lot going on, I'm moving.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42"Can you be more specific?" "I'm sorry, sir, we can't specify a time.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."
0:42:46 > 0:42:49I said, "Surely you can call me on your way here, then I can make sure I'm in."
0:42:49 > 0:42:52"I'm sorry, sir, we simply cannot specify a time.
0:42:52 > 0:42:56"We can only specify between 8 and 12 in the morning and 12 and 5 in the afternoon."
0:42:56 > 0:43:00"OK, I'll go for 8 and 12 in the morning." "OK. Can I take your credit-card details?"
0:43:00 > 0:43:02"Yes. The first digit is between one and seven. How about that?"
0:43:04 > 0:43:05"Can I do that?"
0:43:05 > 0:43:08APPLAUSE
0:43:08 > 0:43:09"I can't specify a number."
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Three o'clock in the afternoon, no Sky.
0:43:13 > 0:43:15Couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe it.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17"What time is it, darling? What time is it?" "It's three o'clock."
0:43:17 > 0:43:19Is that between 8 and 12 in the morning? It isn't.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21I'm phoning them.
0:43:21 > 0:43:25"Where are you?" Then the doorbell went. Always typical, isn't it?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28Soon as you start phoning, the doorbell goes. And I was angry, OK.
0:43:28 > 0:43:31That's my excuse. I was angry because they were late and that's why I was rude to this man.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35I opened the door and I said, "I've been waiting for you.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39"I want it in the living room and I want it in the bedroom. Get started."
0:43:42 > 0:43:44As I turned, the doorbell went again.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46I was like, "Sorry, who are you?"
0:43:46 > 0:43:47"I'm from Sky."
0:43:47 > 0:43:50"Then who are you?"
0:43:50 > 0:43:51This poor man was standing there, trembling.
0:43:51 > 0:43:55"I'm from number 40, I came to introduce myself."
0:43:58 > 0:44:04Not the best start to the neighbourhood. The only things I've said to this man are,
0:44:04 > 0:44:11"I've been waiting for you. I want it in the living room, and I want it in the bedroom."
0:44:11 > 0:44:15What confused me and will confuse me till the day I die, is why he then walked into my house.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21I don't know who's more scared of who now.
0:44:27 > 0:44:29It's good to be going home, obviously, cos I'm going home tonight,
0:44:29 > 0:44:32cos I can't sleep on the road. Find it very difficult in hotels.
0:44:32 > 0:44:35I need my wife there, yeah. I need her in bed. You need to be...
0:44:35 > 0:44:36You know, that's where I'm most relaxed.
0:44:36 > 0:44:38She'll go to sleep before me.
0:44:38 > 0:44:41I will cuddle in. Arm goes over.
0:44:41 > 0:44:45Her legs will be like that. I'll slot mine in nicely behind.
0:44:45 > 0:44:48And I would sleep like this if it wasn't for this arm here.
0:44:55 > 0:45:00After a while you just give up and roll away to sleep.
0:45:00 > 0:45:03And then you're apart. You're apart for the night.
0:45:03 > 0:45:08You wake up in the morning. First words of the day, you have to review the night's sleep, very important.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10To catch up on what you've missed.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13"Morning, darling. How did you sleep?"
0:45:14 > 0:45:20This leads to what is undoubtedly the most boring conversation of the entire day.
0:45:20 > 0:45:23It baffles me we can even find stuff to put in it.
0:45:23 > 0:45:30But it can sometimes be a lengthy conversation of extraordinary dullness.
0:45:30 > 0:45:33"Morning, darling, how did you sleep?" "I was very thirsty in the night.
0:45:33 > 0:45:35"I was very thirsty."
0:45:35 > 0:45:37"I was thirsty, too. God, I was thirsty."
0:45:37 > 0:45:39"I think it was the pizza." "You're right.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41"It was a very salty pizza.
0:45:41 > 0:45:43"A tremendously salty pizza."
0:45:43 > 0:45:45"I had to get up. I had to get up for water."
0:45:45 > 0:45:47"I was too lazy to get up. I wanted to.
0:45:47 > 0:45:50"If I'd have known that you got up I would have had some of your water.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52"But I didn't know that you got up. And I was so hot as well."
0:45:52 > 0:45:55"You were hot? I was quite chilly. I was actually quite chilly."
0:45:55 > 0:45:57"Oh, I was really hot.
0:45:57 > 0:46:01"I was so hot I had to sleep with one leg out of the covers like that."
0:46:01 > 0:46:04"I saw you when I went to get water. I saw you with one leg out of the covers
0:46:04 > 0:46:06"and I remember thinking, 'He can't be hot.'
0:46:06 > 0:46:08"Can you really be hot?" "Yes.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11"I was very hot and I couldn't get to sleep for hours." "You shouldn't have had
0:46:11 > 0:46:15"that coffee. I told you not to when we were in the restaurant. That's stupid."
0:46:15 > 0:46:17"I thought it was the right thing to do."
0:46:19 > 0:46:21There'll be dreams to update as well.
0:46:21 > 0:46:24She'll say, "I had this really weird dream."
0:46:24 > 0:46:28And then she goes on to tell me about it. I can't help you with that. "I had this really weird dream.
0:46:28 > 0:46:31"We were in this house, yeah? In this house, yeah?
0:46:31 > 0:46:33"Yeah? In this house, yeah?
0:46:33 > 0:46:36"It was our house. It was our house!
0:46:36 > 0:46:38"But it wasn't OUR house.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40"You were there.
0:46:40 > 0:46:43"YOU were actually there. YOU were there.
0:46:43 > 0:46:45"But it wasn't you. It wasn't you."
0:46:49 > 0:46:53Nightmares happen on occasion. I think for all people in relationships,
0:46:53 > 0:46:56once in a while you have this dream - that your partner cheated on you.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58They have betrayed you in your sleep.
0:46:58 > 0:47:04It's a horrible nightmare of deceit. And you are filled with hate.
0:47:04 > 0:47:06And you wake up in the morning and you're so relieved.
0:47:06 > 0:47:08"It was just a dream. That didn't really happen."
0:47:08 > 0:47:10But the hate is still strong within you.
0:47:12 > 0:47:18I look over at her and I can see she's just sleeping there soundly, she did nothing.
0:47:18 > 0:47:22Done nothing to hurt me, just been sleeping sweetly. Nothing to hurt me. But I'm staring at her.
0:47:23 > 0:47:25GRUNTS AND GROWLS
0:47:25 > 0:47:29INHALES DEEPLY AND GROANS
0:47:29 > 0:47:30"Slut."
0:47:32 > 0:47:33"What?
0:47:34 > 0:47:38"Sorry, Michael? Morning. What did you say?"
0:47:38 > 0:47:42"I said that you're a slut and a whore. How could you do it?
0:47:42 > 0:47:45"With my geography teacher from school?!"
0:47:48 > 0:47:53Sometimes it's you. Sometimes you've had a dream where you've had an affair with somebody really weird.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55Somebody from work or something.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57And you feel quite guilty.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59"Oh, shit."
0:48:02 > 0:48:04"Morning, Michael. How did you sleep?"
0:48:04 > 0:48:05"Nothing. Nothing."
0:48:11 > 0:48:14Breath is an issue in the morning as well. Breath.
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Morning breath. What is that about? I don't understand it.
0:48:17 > 0:48:19I would understand it if maybe before I went to bed
0:48:19 > 0:48:24I had, like, some garlic, some onions, some Red Bull and swirled it around in my face.
0:48:24 > 0:48:25Some kind of cocktail.
0:48:25 > 0:48:26That's not what happens.
0:48:26 > 0:48:31I brush my teeth, flossing, maybe mouthwash...
0:48:31 > 0:48:33I go to sleep minty fresh, like most of you.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36Seven, eight hours later, she's like, "Morning, Michael."
0:48:36 > 0:48:38EXHALES
0:48:38 > 0:48:40"Morning, darling."
0:48:43 > 0:48:45"Holy shit!"
0:48:45 > 0:48:47"Are you all right, Michael?"
0:48:48 > 0:48:51"Yes, I'm fine.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54"I actually slept really well."
0:48:54 > 0:48:56"Did you go out in the night?"
0:48:58 > 0:49:01"Why would I go out in the night? I was sleeping here next to you.
0:49:01 > 0:49:03"What are you talking about?"
0:49:03 > 0:49:06"I actually want you to think about this quite seriously.
0:49:06 > 0:49:10"At any stage during the night, do you recall...
0:49:10 > 0:49:11"eating shit? Did it happen?"
0:49:15 > 0:49:18"Why would I eat shit? What are you talking about?
0:49:18 > 0:49:19"That's insane."
0:49:19 > 0:49:23"Are you certain? Maybe you... Did you get thirsty and drink from the toilet or...?"
0:49:25 > 0:49:27"No." "Perhaps you pissed on your own face.
0:49:27 > 0:49:30"Accidents happen."
0:49:31 > 0:49:34Sometimes, despite this, you will still have morning sex.
0:49:34 > 0:49:37Now, morning sex will ALWAYS involve morning breath.
0:49:37 > 0:49:42You just adapt it to keep your heads as far away as possible.
0:49:42 > 0:49:45Sometimes you get lost in the moment. "Oh, I really... Argh!"
0:49:47 > 0:49:51And she'll tell me. I hate that about a long-term relationship. I could do without the honesty.
0:49:51 > 0:49:56She will literally go, "Sorry, I didn't kiss you, Michael, but you stink from your face."
0:49:56 > 0:49:59"OK, sorry. I'll brush my teeth, then."
0:49:59 > 0:50:02Could do with a little bit less honesty.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05Sometimes I'll try and seduce her. "Darling,
0:50:05 > 0:50:06"maybe later you'd like to...?"
0:50:06 > 0:50:09"You have some bogey just..." "Oh, sorry."
0:50:09 > 0:50:13"What was it you wanted, Michael?" "I'm fine, actually. To be honest, I'm fine.
0:50:13 > 0:50:18"Let's just leave it, let's forget about it. I'll just sit here."
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"Your ball is hanging out a little bit."
0:50:20 > 0:50:22"Oh, for God's sake, leave me alone!"
0:50:26 > 0:50:30Deep sleep - every once in a while, you have a sleep so deep you'll sleep on your arm.
0:50:30 > 0:50:33It's quite fun - you wake up with a dead arm.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41It's quite heavy as well - a heavy dead arm.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44Darling, my arm is dead. I've a dead arm.
0:50:44 > 0:50:46Hellooo!
0:50:46 > 0:50:52I don't even know how I did it, but recently I contrived to sleep on both of my arms.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54And they were BOTH dead.
0:50:54 > 0:50:58I got woken up by the phone ringing. Prrp! Prrp! "I'll get it...
0:51:00 > 0:51:05"My arms are completely dead. I can't get the phone!
0:51:07 > 0:51:11"Jeez! Can you just get the phone for me, darling, and hold it to my face?"
0:51:11 > 0:51:16"How lazy are you?" "My arms are dead, I can't do anything!"
0:51:18 > 0:51:22Because I'm away a lot, she says, "I hate it when you're not here, Michael.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25"Because I feel safe when you're here."
0:51:25 > 0:51:27I'm like, "I don't.
0:51:28 > 0:51:32"I might look like Mr Miyagi - I don't have the moves, darling!"
0:51:32 > 0:51:33That is a man's biggest fear.
0:51:33 > 0:51:37That you'll be sleeping soundly at night and she'll be like, "Michael! Michael!"
0:51:37 > 0:51:39"Mah... Wah... Mah..."
0:51:39 > 0:51:41"Michael, wake up!"
0:51:41 > 0:51:47- EXHALES - "What? What do you want? I was asleep here."
0:51:47 > 0:51:50"Jesus!
0:51:50 > 0:51:55"Michael, I think there's somebody in the house. I think somebody's broken into our house.
0:51:55 > 0:51:56"I can hear them in the kitchen!"
0:51:56 > 0:52:00That is without a shadow of a doubt my biggest fear. In fact, that isn't my biggest fear -
0:52:00 > 0:52:04my biggest fear is that that happens and I've slept on both arms. That's my biggest fear.
0:52:06 > 0:52:09"Shit. Damn! Darling,
0:52:09 > 0:52:12"what do you want me to do?" "I want you to go and find out."
0:52:12 > 0:52:15"Find out? Find out what?" "Find out if there's someone downstairs!"
0:52:15 > 0:52:18"Darling, remember the other day when the phone was ringing?
0:52:18 > 0:52:21"I've got no arms, I've slept on both of my arms."
0:52:21 > 0:52:23"Don't lie to me. Go and protect this household."
0:52:23 > 0:52:26"You'll have to go. You're in a much better position than I am."
0:52:26 > 0:52:29"How could you do this?! What about the children?"
0:52:29 > 0:52:31"Good idea. Send one of them.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34"Give the little one the Wii and tell the other one there's ice cream."
0:52:34 > 0:52:36"You must go and save us." "All right, I'll go!
0:52:39 > 0:52:40"Shit!
0:52:42 > 0:52:45"Hey, you! You, in the kitchen - get out of my house!
0:52:45 > 0:52:47"Don't make me come over there!
0:52:47 > 0:52:50"Darling, I've got no arms - what do you want me to do?"
0:52:50 > 0:52:52"se the breath!"
0:52:52 > 0:52:57- EXHALES - Thank you very much for listening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59- Good night. Thank you! - CHEERING
0:52:59 > 0:53:02- Thank you, Wembley! - CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:53:02 > 0:53:04Thanks very much.
0:53:09 > 0:53:12Thank you! Good night!
0:53:12 > 0:53:16CHEERING CONTINUES
0:53:35 > 0:53:37That is very rude.
0:53:37 > 0:53:40That's very rude. Now, you know...
0:53:40 > 0:53:43No, no, I'm sorry. You know...
0:53:43 > 0:53:47No, I do this for a living, and this is the end of my work day.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50No, it's not fair. When you're at work and you pop your coat on and go,
0:53:50 > 0:53:54"Look, I'll see you guys tomorrow," the office doesn't go, "More!
0:53:55 > 0:53:56"Go out!
0:53:56 > 0:54:00"Then come back, do one photocopy, then go home." Yeah...(!)
0:54:02 > 0:54:04I've been a bit, er...
0:54:04 > 0:54:09I'm not going to lie to you, been a bit stressed, this is quite a big gig, and, er,
0:54:09 > 0:54:12I've been building up to it for a few weeks and I was a bit stressed.
0:54:12 > 0:54:14A few weeks ago, I was in this hotel. I said to my wife,
0:54:14 > 0:54:16"I'm a bit stressed." "What are you stressed about?"
0:54:16 > 0:54:21"A lot of people are coming to see me. They might not like me and it'll be really scary.
0:54:21 > 0:54:23"And they will kill me, I'm outnumbered hugely."
0:54:26 > 0:54:32She said, "Well, why don't you go down and have a massage in the hotel?" Never even occurred to me!
0:54:32 > 0:54:35She said, "It's very relaxing, very beneficial." I phoned the spa.
0:54:35 > 0:54:39"My wife says maybe I need some kind of massage, because I'm quite stressed."
0:54:39 > 0:54:43"Oh, yes, you called the right place. Just pop on your dressing gown and your slippers,
0:54:43 > 0:54:47"and make your way down to the spa in the basement." Now, if I was stressed beforehand,
0:54:47 > 0:54:53I was certainly stressed after I had got lost and wandered into a conference in my dressing gown.
0:54:55 > 0:54:58"A bloke sleepwalking! What a dickhead!"
0:54:59 > 0:55:02I finally made it down to the spa, where they're very relaxed.
0:55:02 > 0:55:05You know, there's always aromatherapy oils...
0:55:05 > 0:55:10They can barely speak, they're so relaxed. "Hello, sir, can I help you?"
0:55:10 > 0:55:14"Yes, I just spoke to you earlier." Because I get even more posh when I'm stressed.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17"I spoke to you earlier. M-m-my wife suggested a massage. What do you recommend...?
0:55:17 > 0:55:22"I think the best thing to do if you're really feeling stressed is a full-body massage."
0:55:22 > 0:55:28So they take me to this little room where they have candles the sounds of waves crashing against the shore.
0:55:28 > 0:55:31Aromatherapy scents filling the air.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34You put your head in this sort of thing... That's not the relaxing bit.
0:55:34 > 0:55:39No-one's ever had a tough day at work and come home and got a tennis racquet and gone...
0:55:39 > 0:55:41"That's a lot better, I feel REALLY relaxed now."
0:55:41 > 0:55:44So you're lying there, head in this thing, dribbling a bit...
0:55:47 > 0:55:53And then what happens is a strange woman rubs oil into your body for an hour.
0:55:53 > 0:55:57Now, due to evolution, there are various natural reactions to this.
0:55:59 > 0:56:04And fighting those natural urges for an hour is without a shadow of a doubt
0:56:04 > 0:56:06the least relaxing moments of my entire life.
0:56:06 > 0:56:10Bear in mind, I went there to de-stress. It starts off OK.
0:56:10 > 0:56:14She massages your sort of back and your shoulders, then she goes down
0:56:14 > 0:56:16your arm and does your hands and it's sort of OK.
0:56:16 > 0:56:17Then she goes to your leg,
0:56:17 > 0:56:21glides her hands up your leg and DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to your balls, and then back.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27If this is one's ball, this is the kind of distance we're talking about.
0:56:30 > 0:56:33Almost like she's filed her fingernails beforehand.
0:56:33 > 0:56:36And you're lying there going, "Ah...
0:56:36 > 0:56:37"Agh!
0:56:39 > 0:56:42"Agh!" "If you'd like to turn over for me, Mr McIntyre...?"
0:56:42 > 0:56:46"You'll need to give me a couple of minutes at least, OK?"
0:56:49 > 0:56:55They basically massage every part of your body except for the key area.
0:56:55 > 0:56:59I've never been MORE stressed in my life! I could barely walk at the end of it.
0:56:59 > 0:57:01HE MUTTERS
0:57:04 > 0:57:06"Hi, darling, how was that?"
0:57:06 > 0:57:07"Toss me off!"
0:57:15 > 0:57:18"Don't believe it's your birthday until next month - how very rude!"
0:57:18 > 0:57:23So she takes the piss out of me, she says, "Oh, you obviously can't handle it.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26"You can't handle it to get the benefits of massage."
0:57:26 > 0:57:30I said, "I can, but they're really close to your balls and it's really difficult."
0:57:30 > 0:57:34She said, "Well, why don't you have a head, neck and shoulder massage?" I thought, "OK."
0:57:34 > 0:57:38So I tried that, right? I thought I'd be all right, you know? That deals with this sort of area.
0:57:38 > 0:57:43No-one's come up to me and gone, "Hi, Michael," and I've gone, "Mmm..." I'm OK.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46Same sort of setup, you know, candles are burning,
0:57:46 > 0:57:50my head's in the thing, aromatherapy oils filling the atmosphere,
0:57:50 > 0:57:55the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. She massages my neck and my shoulders.
0:57:55 > 0:57:59I'm feeling the benefits of massage. Then she goes down my arm and starts doing my hands.
0:57:59 > 0:58:04I'm like, "No, she's made a mistake. She thinks this is a full-body massage.
0:58:04 > 0:58:08"She's going to go to my legs in a minute. I can't cope with that.
0:58:08 > 0:58:10"I can't cope with that, I know I can't cope with that!"
0:58:10 > 0:58:16So I just innocently enquired, "I'm sorry, I thought you did head..." I didn't realise how that would sound.
0:58:17 > 0:58:20Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
0:58:20 > 0:58:24- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:58:25 > 0:58:27Thank you very much, Wembley! Thank you!
0:58:31 > 0:58:35Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you, Wembley!
0:58:35 > 0:58:37Whoo-hoo!
0:58:37 > 0:58:39Thank you!
0:58:46 > 0:58:49Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Go home.
0:58:49 > 0:58:54- Safe journey! Thank you, Wembley! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:59:15 > 0:59:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.
0:59:18 > 0:59:21E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk