0:00:27 > 0:00:30Stand by VT.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Thank you.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Are we nice and loud?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35This jacket is!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- Nice new desk.- A new desk, is it? Yes. Very nice.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41- Very nice.- Thank you, sir.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- This is lovely.- Nice new desk.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47They can't see that my feet don't touch the ground!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Can't see that my stomach does, for that matter!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Tell me when you're ready on the floor, please.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00We're very happy with everything, yes.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01Especially the money!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- LAUGHTER - That was the wife laughing!
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Four...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08three...
0:01:08 > 0:01:09two...
0:01:09 > 0:01:10- one.- Run VT.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14ORIGINAL TWO RONNIES THEME PLAYS
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Now we do the end, ladies and gentlemen. All the end jokes.
0:01:35 > 0:01:41Having done the beginning jokes. You have to pretend you've seen the show and this is the end.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Then we throw you all out and get another lot in!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47She insisted. I forgot. I forgot about this moustache.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Stand by, folks! Here we go.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54OK?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Good morning.- Good morning.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- My name is Starling.- Mr Starling.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- Of Starling Styling. - Mr Starling of Starling Styling.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- Or of Stirling.- Oh, Mr Starling of Starling Styling of Stirling.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Wanting?- Mr Ponting.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- Mr Ponting?- Of Ponting Punting. - Oh, Mr Ponting of Ponting Punting.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20- Is there something wrong? - I was just hunting for Mr Ponting of Ponting Punting.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27We've got a Newing Brewing. Or we've got a Gilling and Goring of Drilling and Boring.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29We've got a D.Lessing, Delousing.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34- And we've got a Manning Minning. - Minning?- Meaning mining. Morning!- Morning!
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No sign of Ponting Punting.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- This is the Belding Building? - Yes, this is the Belding Building,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44- formerly the Fielding Wilding Belding Building. - Fielding and Wilding?
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Yes, Fielding Moulding and Wilding Welding.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51But with Fielding folding and Wilding melding with Belding, it's become a Belding Holding.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56- And no Ponting Punting?- No. We've got a Keeling and Greeling wheeling and dealing.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I've a feeling there's a failing in your filing.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02This is not the only Belding building.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06We've branches in Barking, Dorking, Woking, Epping, Wapping and Tooting.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10I know! I've been hunting Ponting Punting in every blinking Belding building!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Astounding.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Hopping and skipping from Chipping to Epping, upping at Epping and whipping through Wapping,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18shooting through Tooting, stealing through Ealing, back into Barking - the parking in Barking is shocking.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20No smoking.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23APPLAUSE
0:03:26 > 0:03:30You're better off parking and biking to Peking than banking on parking in Barking!
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- Yes?- Then making for Dorking, walking to Woking and riding in Reading.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Why not call on Mr Carling of Carling Curling?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39What has Carling of Carling Curling got to do with Starling Styling of Stirling?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Or Mr Nutting of Nottingham Knitting and Netting. They're knighting him.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I don't care if they're knotting Mr Nutting in his own netting. He has nothing I'm wanting.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting!- You may be panting for Ponting of Ponting Punting
0:03:50 > 0:03:53but by keeping carping and blaming your flaming flim-flamming on our failing filing,
0:03:53 > 0:03:57you're asking for a hiding darling old Starling - oh!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Can you just come tight and pick it up here?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Single.- We can do.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09A single of that last bit.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Give him the line in, Ronnie, "I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting."
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Yes.- Starting with Nutting, OK?
0:04:15 > 0:04:16Oh, yes, right.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20So, after you, Ronnie C. Just to give you the line in.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Right.- Yes.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25I don't care if they're knotting Nutting in his own knitting and netting!
0:04:25 > 0:04:28It's not Nutting I'm wanting. I'm wanting Ponting of Ponting Punting!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I don't care if you're panting for Ponting of Ponting Punting.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34By keeping carping and blaming your flim-flamming on our failing filing,
0:04:34 > 0:04:36you're heading for a hiding, Starling, old darling.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39I could give you a stuffing, a roughing, a duffing-up and a cuffing
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- as easy as winking. What are you thinking?- I'm thinking you've been drinking!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44This is my last warning!
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Morning!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49APPLAUSE
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I'll do that one again, then.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11- Yes, all right. I'll do that again. - We'll give you the dialogue from 21,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Back into Barking", but we're going from Peking, OK?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Starting in Barking and going to Peking.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Right.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I thought it was Ronnie Corbett coming in!
0:05:26 > 0:05:27He comes in just like that.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30WHISPERS
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, yes.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- 'All agreed then?'- Yes, we are.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37'Here we go.'
0:05:38 > 0:05:40What have we got?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Excuse me. Just a minute.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Is that shining?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57OK.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59SOUNDTRACK OF TROPICAL NOISES
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, now...
0:06:07 > 0:06:09'Sorry, Ronnie.'
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Hold it - I'm sorry.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12It's a hold-up! It's a hold-up!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19There's a picture. Look at that. "Sweets", it says!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- It's the sweet shop sketch! - Stand by, Ronnie.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Sweet shop. It's about a sweet shop, isn't it?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- NORTHERN ACCENT:- How many do you want? Three-quarters of a pound, or what?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I really wanted two ounces.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Can I start again? I'm using the wrong accent!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:07:00- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- Sorry! I was supposed to be country like that and I went all north country.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05All right, kid? I'll just get my legs wider apart. That'll give me the character.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Right, here we go. Here we go.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11APPLAUSE
0:07:17 > 0:07:21How many do you want? Half a pound, three-quarters? What?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Well, I really wanted two ounces,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26if it's not too much trouble.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Too much trouble, madam? Nothing's too much trouble in this shop, no.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34There we go, sir. Quarter pound. What else would you like? Anything else?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Yes, I'd like a gobstopper.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Gobstopper, sir. Big gob or little gob, sir?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Little gob, please.- Little gob.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Little gobstoppers. 2p each, they are.
0:07:45 > 0:07:492p. Could I have the kind that go pink after you've sucked them, please?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I don't know what colour they go. They start off green.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Well, they all start off green. We know that.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- But they don't all go pink afterwards.- Oh.- Oh, no.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Some of them do the dirty on you and go brown!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Oh, well.- Could I try one? - Certainly, sir.- You don't mind, do you?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Nothing's too much trouble. I'll try one myself, sir.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Anything else you want while we're having a suck, sir?
0:08:11 > 0:08:12Um...
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Have you got any of those mints with a hole in?
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- Mints with a hole in? Yes, sir. - How big is the hole?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26- Eh?- Well, I don't want it to be too big, you see.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You got something to measure with it, sir?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'll say that again!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You got something to measure it with, sir?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Well, not on me, no.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- I've forgotten the very thing I came in for.- What?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- Some hundreds and thousands. - Very good, sir, yes.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Hundreds and thousands. We've got hundreds and thousands of them.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Could you count them out for me, please?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Pardon?- I'm not being any trouble, I hope now?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08No, no trouble. How many do you want, sir?
0:09:08 > 0:09:13The wife's making a cake. If you could count them out. 1,100.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15- 1,100, sir. Certainly.- 1,100.
0:09:15 > 0:09:181,100. There we go.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Now, that's about 15 short. Don't worry, I've got more here.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31There you are, sir. Hundreds and thousands.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Now, what do you want, you old bag?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I want some toffee.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- Toffee.- Can you cut it up? Absolutely smash it all up.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44In little bits because of my false teeth.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46I'll smash it up into little bits.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Nothing's too much trouble! I'll smash it all up.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I'll smash your teeth up as well, if you like!
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Nothing's too much trouble in here.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- Was there anything else?- No. - Then get out!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Two volunteers to sweep up, please!
0:10:34 > 0:10:37He wants a re-take now. We're going to tidy up!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39It's the reaction shot, Ronnie.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Reaction shot.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42"How big are the holes?"
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- You don't need me, do you? - Go and chat to the audience.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- I'm going to wash my hands. - OK.- Have a jelly baby.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Do you need RCR for this?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54God, what a mess!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Do you want me to...
0:10:56 > 0:10:57I'm trying to...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59..trying to think...
0:11:01 > 0:11:03..how far I'd got...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05with my little...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I'd got to the end of the piano in the pub. Told you that.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Actually I've just not long come back from...
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Ready when you are.- So you're not at all ready. Sabino's not ready.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Sabino's now ready.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I, er... Shall I have a little chat, then?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- Yes, if you're... Yes.- You know, this is the second show we've done.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I've just come back from a holiday in Spain with my wife, Anne.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I say Spain to give the story a bit of atmosphere.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Actually, we were on holiday in Arbroath.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39You must have heard so many stories about Arbroath, I thought I'd make it Spain.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Since the story is about bullfighting, it makes more sense if I say Spain
0:11:44 > 0:11:46rather than Arbroath.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51If I told you about a wonderful bullfight I saw in Arbroath, you wouldn't believe me!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54But this story, I'll tell you about it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56It was funny. I'll tell you about it later on.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00You think that's whisky in there, don't you?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03It's gin.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Are we going to go right ahead? - Yes, if you're happy to.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I'm happy. If I put this in the drawer.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13I always keep these in my drawers. No, no room.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Could you take that, Big Ed?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17As Ed is big, I call him Big Ed.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Stand by. Are you ready? - I'm standing. Well, I'm sitting.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- OK?- Yes, sir. I don't know where my hands were. About there?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'll move them about just at the beginning of the shot.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Then they can cut anywhere, see? It's called continuity.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Now, in this secret organisation I work for,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47all identities, for security purses... Purs-ah-pah!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:55That's the trouble. It has a slight echo.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Right!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It was all touch and go whether I'd be here this morning.
0:13:01 > 0:13:06I was decorating. I fell off a ladder while painting the skirting board. Embarrassing!
0:13:06 > 0:13:11We had this holiday in Spain. ..Do you want me to get chatting?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Anne and I, as I say, in Spain.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18The first day, I was walking through the square, like you do, seeing all the shops.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22There was a wine bar on the corner so I popped in for a drink of wine.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26I was sitting there sipping - standing - sitting sipping, standing.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Couldn't make up my mind to sit or stand, but I was standing.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35I was sipping wine and I noticed all round the walls of this bar
0:13:35 > 0:13:37were bulls' heads mounted on the walls.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42They'd been stuffed. You could tell by the surprised look on their faces!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Tears running down their cheeks! And above...
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I said to the barman... SPANISH ACCENT: "Why all the bulls' heads?"
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I... Uh...
0:13:53 > 0:13:56What am I talking like that for?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I said, "Why all the bulls' heads?"
0:13:59 > 0:14:02He says... SPANISH ACCENT: "These bulls...."
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I knew somebody spoke like that! Couldn't decide who!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Don't know why I'm looking at you, Tony! You weren't there!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12He said, "These bulls", he said, "I killed with my own hands.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16"When I'm a young man." Actually, I think he was from Arbroath as well!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19"When I'm a young man", he said, "I killed these bulls" -
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I sound like a waiter at The Golden Egg!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25He said, "I killed these bulls. That one I killed in Barcelona,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28"that one I killed in Madrid and that one in Malaga."
0:14:28 > 0:14:33I said, "What about that big black one?" He said, "We no speak of that bull. He kill my brother."
0:14:33 > 0:14:37I said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realise. Was your brother a bullfighter as well?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:43He said, "No. He's sitting in the corner having a drink and the bloody thing fell and hit him on the head!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Are we all right?
0:14:50 > 0:14:54NEWS BULLETIN THEME
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Good evening. Due to a technical fault, Angela Rippon tells me
0:14:59 > 0:15:03that some television areas are not receiving sound, only pictures.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07In which case, some of you may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I sometimes wonder as well!
0:15:09 > 0:15:13Anyway, the BBC's desire to bring you news and to cheat ITV out of the ratings
0:15:13 > 0:15:17here is the news in words and sign language
0:15:17 > 0:15:19especially for those areas.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Good evening.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Here is the news.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Today...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35..Mrs Margaret Thatcher...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40announced her new shadow cabinet.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47She said that inflation...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52..was growing all the time.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55But that it could be stopped.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Mr Michael Foot...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08..was not in a position to stand up for himself.
0:16:08 > 0:16:09He said...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12FARTING SOUND
0:16:12 > 0:16:14..Well, something like that, anyway.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And Mrs Thatcher flew off the handle.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18The party's left wing...
0:16:20 > 0:16:23..said that they had the wherewithal to provide support.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31A group of dignitaries from the Scilly Isles...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34..visited Chequers today...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38..where they saw...
0:16:39 > 0:16:41..and spoke...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44..with the Prime Minister.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49One armed bandit...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53..broke into a bank today...
0:17:00 > 0:17:01..and made off with 2p.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05The Cod War still continues.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Mr Wedgwood Benn...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21..speaking to the TUC...
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Have a cup of tea!
0:17:27 > 0:17:32..said that the only solution to this country's salvation...
0:17:34 > 0:17:35..was to soak the rich.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Now, some late racing.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43The 2,000 Guineas...
0:17:45 > 0:17:47..was won by Gay Paris.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53That is the end of the news.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56And now back to Angela Rippon.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01I'm awfully sorry. That's the other way round.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Now back to the news, and that is the end of Angela Rippon.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17The VT is running out.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's running out? You do that, I'll catch up.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Snivelling, snivelling. I think that was all right.- Yes, we have it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Everybody happy with that?- Yes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36- I'm happy.- All right? Happy.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Make the changes, then, Brian.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# Tiddly-it-doo! #
0:18:46 > 0:18:49That's Jimmy Edwards, isn't it? Jimmy Edwards.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- You all right?- OK?
0:18:53 > 0:18:58Cos it's all gone... I'll have a little chat anyway, actually.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Yes, just to get us started again.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Yes, indeed.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Otherwise, you feel like you're sitting in church!
0:19:08 > 0:19:12We got to the... What can I tell you before...
0:19:12 > 0:19:16No, I won't. Cos if I start something, it goes on and on forever!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21WHISPERING
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Yes, right.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Shall I carry on, having a wee chat?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- I tell you, it's... I'll keep chatting?- Yes.
0:19:32 > 0:19:37We'll now take shots from this camera of you all thoroughly enjoying yourselves!
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Actually, as Paul told you, this is the last week of the series.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's been a busy week - well, they all are.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Cos I've had so many nights out this week.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I was invited to a party on Monday night,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53given by the cast of the show Oh, Calcutta!
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Anybody seen the show?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59What a show that is! Like Smithfield's with songs!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06They invited me because, to be honest, I was nearly in the show.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Only missed it by that much!
0:20:11 > 0:20:16I didn't go because I'd had a nasty experience at a party the week before.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18This friend of mine gives a party once a year
0:20:18 > 0:20:21to celebrate the grand opening of his wallet!
0:20:22 > 0:20:27This party that he gave was the worst party. This party was so quiet
0:20:27 > 0:20:30the telephone rang and a fellow with a weak heart had to be taken home!
0:20:30 > 0:20:36I don't think he really had a weak heart. He'd been there since seven and lost the will to live!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41It was so quiet, the party, it was so boring,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45that an electric light bulb blew and we laughed about it for two hours!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49The host, this host, is so mean,
0:20:49 > 0:20:54he's so mean that he'll go into Sainsbury's, order a sheep's head and ask them to leave the legs on!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And lazy? He's so lazy, he puts bread down the lavatory to feed birds at the seaside!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Are you ready, Paul? Thank you.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Nine,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13eight, seven, six, five,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16four, three, two, one,
0:21:16 > 0:21:17zero.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20# Say what you will, the Queen is on the pill. #
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Bang goes the OBE!
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Not his!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36It wasn't his fault, Your Majesty!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39# It was Colonel Kettering wearing spurs
0:21:39 > 0:21:41# Marked distinctly his and hers
0:21:41 > 0:21:44# Lady Felicity earning applause
0:21:44 > 0:21:46# Winning a raffle and losing her drawers
0:21:46 > 0:21:48# And a terribly, terribly tight young man
0:21:48 > 0:21:50# Sat on a fork and dropped a spoon
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# Into the large decolletage of the Brigadier's wife and dropped a soon
0:21:54 > 0:21:59# They were having a great big slap bang huge success
0:21:59 > 0:22:02# The officers there, they'd got one hell of a mess
0:22:02 > 0:22:07# And the colonel left the party in a small black dress
0:22:07 > 0:22:11# What a terribly, terribly, terribly, terribly gay success! #
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:25That's the end of the first half, folks.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Just waiting for a magnificent change here.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31As you'll agree is worth it, when you see it.
0:22:31 > 0:22:37I would like, in the meantime, to introduce, ladies and gentlemen, the Fred Tomlinson Singers.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:41 > 0:22:45Wonderful to have eight singers all called Fred Tomlinson.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Very difficult to find.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Right.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Ha-ha! Look at them laughing!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54They don't know what they're laughing at!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57They've been in the pub since lunch time!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Haven't you, boys?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Yes.- Ooh! Ha-ha!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Hands up anyone who can't hear me?
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Nobody put their hands up! So they couldn't hear me!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Couldn't hear me say that!
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Yes.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Hello?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Get off the line - there's a train coming!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25OK. Yes, it's all right, dear.
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- This is the Automobile Association, isn't it?- No, this is Alcoholics Unanimous!
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Elsie, my wife, she's given me the wrong address.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39She's outside. Elsie, you've given me the wrong address.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44- Oh, dear!- Oh, dear!- It's the wrong address. Where did you get the address?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Tony Vicars gave it me outside the saloon bar of the Eight Feathers.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Oh, dear!- Sit down.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53You have a chat to her. If you can't get anywhere,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55I'll get on to the RAC and have her towed away.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Towed away?
0:23:57 > 0:24:00APPLAUSE
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Have you met the wife, ladies and gentlemen?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17It's not Ronnie's wife at all, you know that. It's mine!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21All right? Any noddies?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23No, Ronnie, just your entrance.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Does Celestine know about the end?
0:24:26 > 0:24:27It's Ronnie C's entrance.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Just as Celestine looks at you...
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Ladies and gentlemen, Celestine Byrne. Give her a round of applause.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:43Excellent.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Which one were you applauding?
0:24:48 > 0:24:51STAGE DIRECTIONS DROWNED OUT
0:25:00 > 0:25:02We didn't hear a word.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Just come in here.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11# Colonel says we've gotta roast one chicken more
0:25:11 > 0:25:15# I'll go and tell the brigadier to starve it
0:25:15 > 0:25:20# Go and tell the brigadier to starve it
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# In the gory piece of war it's work galore
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# You'll never get a crafty carver
0:25:27 > 0:25:32# I've really got to bake a cake before lights out
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# I think I'll try a tart when I've had supper! #
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Thank you, boys.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Let's pick it up from there.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Chapter two, take two.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Try not to applaud when they turn the things.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Because that's having got it wrong last time
0:26:01 > 0:26:03but the audience didn't see that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07- They might have been applauding dexterity.- They might have.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09And click right to the next joke!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Let's do it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# We've got - what have we got?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- # What have we got?- Rissoles.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# Soldiers. What have we got? What have we got?
0:26:24 > 0:26:29# Rissoles. Big and fat and round, each one half a pound
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# Army rissoles are renowned
0:26:32 > 0:26:37# So when they boo our Irish stew we'll say you, too
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# We made a hash of bangers and mash, it's true
0:26:40 > 0:26:45# And so that's the reason when you ask that what's upon the menu
0:26:45 > 0:26:49# We say rissoles and the best of luck to you! #
0:26:52 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27That's all we have time for in this series.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31But before we leave you, a few items of late news.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Sorry - I was doing that off the wrong camera! I started.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I'm just not very good tonight!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Nonsense!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44You're my bread and butter, you are! My bread and butter.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Right.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Well...
0:27:53 > 0:27:56That's all we have time for in this series.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59But before we leave you, a few items of late news.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Miss Raquel Welch, in an American TV interview
0:28:02 > 0:28:05talked about the advantages she..sh...sh...shsheveh...
0:28:13 > 0:28:1615-all. New balls, please.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Right!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Here we go again!
0:28:23 > 0:28:28- Until then, it's good night from me. - And it's good night from him! - Good night!
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd