0:00:01 > 0:00:04Don't even go there.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07'Always wanted to talk rubbish, but never had the confidence to try?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09'With Let's Talk Rubbish,
0:00:09 > 0:00:13'you can learn to talk rubbish, easily, with no memorising.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16'Let's Talk Rubbish uses everyday situations.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20'You'll be talking rubbish in no time.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23'You'll learn how to answer, "How are you?"
0:00:23 > 0:00:25'with a meaningless, "Yeah."
0:00:27 > 0:00:30'As well as banal replies, you'll learn pointless banter.'
0:00:30 > 0:00:32COMPUTER: Don't even go there.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Don't even go there.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38'And you'll master that tricky upward inflection.'
0:00:38 > 0:00:40You meet a friend and want to tell her that you've seen a table.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And there was, like, this table.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46'Soon you'll be talking rubbish with everyone you meet.'
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Don't even go there!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51- Nightmare!- Tell me about it. - Fair enough. To be honest with you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Whatever.- That's it, at the end of the day.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55How are you doing, guys?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57ALL: Yeah!
0:01:12 > 0:01:18When I remember my childhood, it's always in sunlight.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22We were poor, but we were contented.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31And although we knew grief, there were always joyous times.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45You won't find us on the map now.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48The cottages are long gone,
0:01:48 > 0:01:52and where they stood is the loading bay of River Island.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56But I shall never forget that cluster of tumbledown houses
0:01:56 > 0:01:59next to our field with our old grey donkey.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Where every spring, the larks would rise, rise up,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07and hover in the blue sky.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10What was the name of this lark filled place?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15We just knew it as Donkeyfield.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It'll be busy -
0:02:19 > 0:02:20market day in Cranchesterford.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22No larks in the sky there.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25No. Just in pastry.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39That was Ma and Pa's cottage, and that's me,
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Araminty, the day my life changed for ever.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50No, Mother! Araminty's to stay under this roof.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52She's to take no job
0:02:52 > 0:02:54at Cranchesterford post and potato office
0:02:54 > 0:02:57and let that be the last pickle in the crock!
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Do you want her to live as we have?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Every stick of furniture sold for boots
0:03:00 > 0:03:03and not a right foot amongst them.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Do you want to break her heart as your father broke yours?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10You told me how it he would not let you work the land.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14How you yearned to thresh the wheat, to tend the corn.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I could have been somebody.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I could have been a corn tender.
0:03:19 > 0:03:25Then let her go, Hal Finch, for one thing, we could use her nightie.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Cath Finch, are you with child?
0:03:28 > 0:03:32Again?! How could this happen?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35I told you, there was a hole in the bolster.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Call the children down.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39I don't know their names.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42They cannot come down. We sold the stairs.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Araminty!
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I learned so much in those simple sunlit days,
0:04:06 > 0:04:11that when you wipe your nose on a patchwork quilt,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14there will always be one square stiffer than all the others.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20And that love is one thing, but without stairs,
0:04:20 > 0:04:24you can't really get up to the bedroom.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31Cranchesterford was only seven miles away over the fields,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34but so different was it from our simple hamlet
0:04:34 > 0:04:36it might as well have been more like eight.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I shall never forget my first sight of Cranchesterford,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44that day I was to start work with Miss Finch
0:04:44 > 0:04:45at the post and potato office.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48'Action!'
0:04:48 > 0:04:50The hustle and bustle,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53the crowds, so much noise and gaiety
0:04:53 > 0:04:55and movement.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I could barely catch my breath.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Miss Finch.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Lord Cranborne.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Have you considered further my proposal?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It is not practical, Charles.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14I am attracted to you,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16but it takes 20 minutes to take my corsets off
0:05:16 > 0:05:18and 35 minutes to get them back on.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I can only close the Post Office for an hour. You do the math.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And will you continue to handle my potatoes?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Of course.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Oh, Arnica, my Araminty has gone
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and had her hair straightened.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04But he's a well-known gambler...
0:06:04 > 0:06:08It is some years since the closed sign went up
0:06:08 > 0:06:10on the door of Manchesterford's famous antique shop.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I'll make some sherry, Miss Babs.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14And though the faithful cleaner Mrs Overall
0:06:14 > 0:06:17may have hung up her rubber gloves,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19the actress Bo Beaumont is a busy working actress.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Oh, yes, I like that, busy, busy.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Embracing the challenges of a modern media career,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29this film follows a week in Bo's life as she moves
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Beyond The Marigolds.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- What can I do for you?- Hello.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Was I Mrs overall? Was she me?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40On the face of it, no.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44She was a simple good-hearted Brummie
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and I'm a sophisticated, modern actress
0:06:46 > 0:06:48living on the borders of Paddington.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And yet...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53And yet, Colin, I like to think I have her tenacity,
0:06:53 > 0:06:54her loyalty.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- I've just said it, her good-heartedness.- May I?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59No, sorry, those are for Saturdays.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Wendy, you didn't put the biscuits away, dear!- Oh, sorry.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Of course, I should never have got the part of Mrs Overall.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12I was actually down to the last two for Emma Peel in the Avengers.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17'Bo seems keen, almost desperate, that I should understand how she came
0:07:17 > 0:07:19'to be cast in what was, let's face it,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21'a rather low budget and derided soap.'
0:07:21 > 0:07:24..goes through one door.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I go through....
0:07:26 > 0:07:29'And yet, she generally seems to believe that she ended up
0:07:29 > 0:07:30'with the better part.'
0:07:30 > 0:07:31..I got Mrs Overall
0:07:31 > 0:07:36and poor old Diana Rigg was stuck with the Avengers,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38which ran, what? Two series?
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Oh, it was a nice little show.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- Oh, it was a nice enough show and Diana...- Dame Diana.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Yes, for charity work.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- She was respected. - But she's not loved.- No.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Bo is loved.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59'Bo lives in London with her friend and companion Wendy
0:07:59 > 0:08:02'and their Yorkshire terrier, Binky.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07'It's the start of a very important week for Bo as she begins rehearsals
0:08:07 > 0:08:11'for the very popular BBC One series Strictly Come Dancing.'
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Did you get the Ovaltine off the wraparound?
0:08:15 > 0:08:20'Dance professional Anton du Beke has no idea who his celebrity partner
0:08:20 > 0:08:21'is to be.'
0:08:21 > 0:08:25To be honest with you, I just want somebody fairly young who can move.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35- Hello.- Hello.- Anton du Beke. - No, doesn't ring a bell.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38- Have you ever won?- No.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Well, Luck Be a Lady.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Shall we dance?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Yes. I'll just get ready.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Roll back the rug.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09OK, let's warm up a little.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Just try moving to the music.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# My baby don't care for shows
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# My baby don't care for clothes... #
0:09:20 > 0:09:24OK, well, let's try a little sequence of steps. Try this.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26A-one, two, three.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27A-one, two, three...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Have a go.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Show me again.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37It goes, and a-one, two, three.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And a-one, two, three.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Oh, I think that's going to be lovely. Wendy?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- A winning routine, wouldn't you say? - Snazzy.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Do you want to give it a try?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Go again.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53A-one, two, three.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56A-one, two, three.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's sinking in, but I think we'll leave it there.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I don't want to overload myself on the first day.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Lovely meeting you and I should have remembered your name, and I haven't.
0:10:06 > 0:10:07A typical scatty actress.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Bye.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Welcome back to Brentford
0:10:29 > 0:10:32to the Midlife Olympics, 2009
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and what a cracking start we've just had.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37As you saw earlier, Robin Carmichael and his team
0:10:37 > 0:10:39bringing home the gold for Great Britain
0:10:39 > 0:10:41in the 4x4 100 hedge trimming.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Now it's very much the turn of the ladies.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Carol.- Yes, indeed, Steve.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49There's the music. The team is just coming into the women's arena now.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51This is, of course,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53the Midlife Ladies Pentathlon.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Not too much of a crowd there, Carol.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57No, the supporters will be mainly middle-aged
0:10:57 > 0:10:59women themselves, they may have gone shopping
0:10:59 > 0:11:02or forgotten about coming into the stadium.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06There's Kerry Perry, hoping to bounce back after
0:11:06 > 0:11:07the Ladies Indoor texting,
0:11:07 > 0:11:08where she held her phone
0:11:08 > 0:11:09the wrong way round
0:11:09 > 0:11:10and sent a photo of her left breast
0:11:10 > 0:11:13to everyone on her Christmas card list.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16We're going over to Andy Cafferty in the parking Stadium.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- Andy, how are things going down there?- Mixed fortunes, Steve.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Britain pipped to the medals
0:11:22 > 0:11:23in the Ladies outdoor parking.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Kathy Daker struggling,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26as usual, with Chevrons.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27She was in a Volvo with a dog cage.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28That may have affected
0:11:28 > 0:11:29her reversing.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And how did you get on in the multi-storey time-trials?
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Not too great, I'm afraid.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The American Laura Sabatini got gold.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38A little bit controversial.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Failed on her third attempt, burst into tears,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45and the car was parked for her by a passing male motorist.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48What did you make of that manoeuvre? Very quickly.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Well, there's nothing in the rulebook against it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Personally, I don't like it.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I don't think it helps the cause of women's parking.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Well, there, I've said it. I don't like it. I'm sorry.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Ciao, for now.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05As the weeks went by,
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I became accustomed to the non-stop hurly-burly of Cranchesterford,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11to my work in the post and potato office,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15and I began to get to know Miss Finch and the postman
0:12:15 > 0:12:16a little better.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Excuse I, marrow!
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Getting the kiddies off to school?
0:12:25 > 0:12:27No, I've just seen them across the lane.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Them pie wagons come along at such a lick,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31you're lucky if you've got 20 minutes to get over.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Are you all right, Arnica?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39It's not getting you down, is it, living in a hovel?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Lord bless you, I don't want for nothing.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Clean air, good neighbours,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47them's my riches. But...
0:12:47 > 0:12:48But what?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I don't know.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Sometimes, I fancy a fur coat and a bunk up.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57You're depressed. You need a folk dance.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, no, Cath, I'm on six a day already from my doctor.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02I'm trying to cut down.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04I'd better go.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07I've got some pigs bladders to rot down for Lammas tide.
0:13:07 > 0:13:12- Just nibbles for when folks pop in. - And ain't you giving birth today?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I knew there was something else! Thank you.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- Take care.- Bye, my dear.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Poorly-paid assistant number three, please.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32- Miss Finch.- Mrs Goddard. Miss Muslin.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I saw you in conversation with Lord Cranborne, did I not?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39We were discussing the best protection for his Pentland Javelin.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Is that a euphemism? - No, it's a potato.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Badly-exploited assistant number one, please.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47What are you smirking at?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50If you want to smirk, go outside.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09I love Ma and Pa, but now that I had straight hair and an umbrella,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11it was getting harder to tear myself away from the excitements
0:14:11 > 0:14:14of Cranchesterford to walk home to see them.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Araminty, come with us.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19There has been enough rain for Walt's Big Puddle.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20It's my day off.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I'm off to Donkeyfield to see Ma and Pa and the children.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Araminty, you're like really going to have to choose
0:14:26 > 0:14:27between Donkeyfield and Cranchesterford,
0:14:27 > 0:14:31cos you can't have friends in both places. End of.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's a fine cup of tea, postman.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I swirl it around before I pour.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38It just brings out the flavour.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40We're both bachelors.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42You got that right, girlfriend.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47But lately, I've had a terrible yearning for postmistress Finch.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52I need to know if you have any sort of intentions towards her.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Ooh, no.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56So, I could plight my trough.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You can plight it and paint it purple, don't mind me.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01I wouldn't know where to start with a lady.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03They're all slither and curves.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- A nightmare.- Have you never been courting, postman?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Not as such.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I have a lot of shallow meaningless encounters with boys, though,
0:15:11 > 0:15:12so, I don't feel I'm missing out.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Still-not-paid-enough assistant number three, please.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What do you reckon?
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- It's a little youthful.- Meaning?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27That its gay frivolity may not sit so well on the more mature -
0:15:27 > 0:15:29not to say miserable and sagging - countenance.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31May I remind you who pays your wages?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- On you, it's fabulous.- I'll take it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Enjoy.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Oh, my God!
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'm like eeeer!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I'm like mmmmmm!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, ta!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Got any plans for the weekend?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I'll just be bitterly musing on my arid existence.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I might stare out of a few windows.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I'll see how I go. Yourself?
0:16:24 > 0:16:26A boy from the Haberdashers
0:16:26 > 0:16:28is coming round.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30We're going to send out for Broth
0:16:30 > 0:16:32and I've got the new wax cylinder of Gladstone.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I wish I was gay.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42It's day two of Strictly Come Dancing
0:16:42 > 0:16:44and Bo has still not got to grips
0:16:44 > 0:16:47with the first two steps of the warm-up.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49One, two, three,
0:16:49 > 0:16:50and one, two, three.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52One, two, three,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55and one, two, three.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59I think the problem is, Bekton, it's a lovely routine,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02but I'm not getting it because I'm not feeling it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04But it's not actually the routine...
0:17:04 > 0:17:07No, I know. You're waiting for me to put in my own little flourishes.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Look, how about we cook up something a little bit more sassy.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16- Sassy.- Calypso, rumba, something with a bit of a hip action.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Hocha-cocha!
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I'll get some music.
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Good. You're changing?
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Changing the routine? - I think so. It's a little dull.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30You know, you don't have very much time left to learn the routine, Bo.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33We've got 16 weeks. It's tight, but it's manageable.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36No, the whole series is 16 weeks.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39You do your first show this Saturday.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42It goes out live.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45# Like a flower bending in the breeze... #
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Wendy!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47WENDY!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Colin, no cameras.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Sorry about all this.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Bo has decided against appearing on Strictly Come Dancing
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and is on her way to visit Delia Smith
0:18:10 > 0:18:13to talk about taking part in Delia's new cookery
0:18:13 > 0:18:16and travel show, The Gravy Train.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- These are very good. Did you make them, dear?- Mm-hm.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41A little tip, whip them out a couple of minutes earlier.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Can you taste, they've slightly gone over.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Can you, Karen, explain to Bo what our new project is?
0:18:51 > 0:18:52OK.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Well, The Gravy Train is basically Delia
0:18:54 > 0:18:56going from town to town on a steam train,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59meeting members of the public...
0:18:59 > 0:19:03'I sense Bo's enthusiasm for this cookery programme
0:19:03 > 0:19:06'and wonder if this might not be the thing that puts her back
0:19:06 > 0:19:08'in the TV limelight.'
0:19:09 > 0:19:12..so, basically, you would tell us your signature dish.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14We'd sort out all the ingredients, and everything,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16you just have to turn up on the day and teach it to Delia.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21All we need to know from you, Bo, is, what is your signature dish?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Which shall we reveal, Wendy?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26The mince timbale?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Fish finger surprise?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Cracker-mole.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Cracker-mole!
0:19:34 > 0:19:39What it is, Smithy, you take an ordinary pack of Tuc crackers...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Can I just, you know, get this straight?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Tuc Crackers...
0:20:05 > 0:20:06..a piece of sardine
0:20:06 > 0:20:08and then a squeeze of lemon...lime.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Lime juice.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12That's the kick of the mole.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16- And then on a plate.- That's right.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19In a spiral. Arranged in a spiral.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22We used to lay them out in concentric circles.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And then I was looking at the crackers one day.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27It was just after 9/11.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31I suppose I just wanted to do something life-affirming.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Like any chef, I was in the zone.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39I said to Wendy, ditch the circles.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Put them in a spiral.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Later that day, Bo got a call from Delia's office
0:21:01 > 0:21:03to say there had been a double-booking
0:21:03 > 0:21:06and instead of Bo's cracker-mole,
0:21:06 > 0:21:07they were going ahead
0:21:07 > 0:21:10with the Archbishop of Canterbury's Spam curry.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21It was just an ordinary day at work and then, bang!
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I slipped on a chip...
0:21:27 > 0:21:29..someone had left on the ground.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I phoned slippedonachip.com.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37They couldn't have been more helpful.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I received £8,000 in compensation.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42So, when my friend at work
0:21:42 > 0:21:45tripped over a miniature cuckoo clock
0:21:45 > 0:21:47someone had glued to the curb,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51she got in touch with slippedonachip.com straightaway.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56But they wouldn't take the case cos it wasn't a chip.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Slippedonachip.com
0:21:58 > 0:22:03Does not apply in the case of French fries, curly fries or mash.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07Welcome back.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Women's pentathlon hotting up.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12As we just heard on the news, pentathlon stalwart
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Kerry Perry has failed her drugs test.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16That's official.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20She tested positive in an on-the-spot testing for, what was it, Carol?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Vienetta.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27A sad day, but the stuff is out there, unfortunately.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29And being realistic, anyone can get hold of it.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Coming in today, I was offered a petit four.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Oh, and we're just hearing that
0:22:34 > 0:22:36the third event in the Ladies Pentathlon -
0:22:36 > 0:22:40the Supermarket Checkout Relay, has been halted.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Deirdre, this is pretty unheard of.
0:22:43 > 0:22:44Can you tell us what happened?
0:22:44 > 0:22:45The relay was halted
0:22:45 > 0:22:46when one of the Kenyans
0:22:46 > 0:22:48chose the five-items-or-less aisle
0:22:48 > 0:22:51but was found to have six items in her basket.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53So, she's out then?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54The Kenyans are claiming that
0:22:54 > 0:22:56two of the items were part of
0:22:56 > 0:22:58a buy-one-get-one-free offer,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01so count, in effect, as one item.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04So, Carol, should she have gone for a different aisle?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It's a tough call, so much depends on the checkout operative.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Younger operatives are not always quicker.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It was a young lad, you may remember,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13who scotched Sweden's chances in the semis,
0:23:13 > 0:23:14when he couldn't recognise a kiwi.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17We lost out, of course, in the European Shopping Championships
0:23:17 > 0:23:19two years ago when our girl took a risk
0:23:19 > 0:23:20with a packet of maxi pads
0:23:20 > 0:23:24and they were beeped through as a white Hovis.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Let us look back at the history of this shopping event.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30This is the 1912 Games in Stockholm.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33As you see, the shopping element is quite embryonic.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Minimal choice, none of the trickier-to-manage items
0:23:35 > 0:23:38we see today - no cat litter, no Toilet Duck...
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And not the easiest of kit to run in.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45No, indeed, a lady hitting the deck, there, with her long skirt.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And this is, of course, Connie Flanders Bentham,
0:23:49 > 0:23:53who won in front of the home crowd here in London in 1948.
0:23:53 > 0:23:571948, the austerity Games,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59the medals were cast in a cheap metal
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and many athletes did suffer an allergic reaction.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- In fact, Connie did die later that day.- That's right.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08That really is a day of contrasts.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Winning and then dying.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Real bad luck there.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Back after this.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27It's 8am
0:24:27 > 0:24:29and Nick and Margaret have both arrived early
0:24:29 > 0:24:31for their meeting with Sir Alan.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41SWING RHYTHM
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Big changes came to all of us that summer.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Ma and Pa had separated.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18She was working as a private dancer in a gentleman's club
0:26:18 > 0:26:20in the red bonnet district,
0:26:20 > 0:26:25and Pa had been reunited with his childhood sweetheart, Lolly Coggins,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28the rich widow, Mrs Godchild.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32- What's wrong, my darling? - I cannot get used to these garments.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I am a flitcher.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37And flitchers don't wear such stuff.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Our shirts are rough hemp,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41our trousers moleskin,
0:26:41 > 0:26:43softened by wind and weather,
0:26:43 > 0:26:45creased at the knee and groin.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I am loving the sound of that. Maybe a neckerchief,
0:26:48 > 0:26:49chunky belt.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Araminty!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I had no time for Ma and Pa.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59One of the new spray-whitening booths
0:26:59 > 0:27:01had opened in Cranchesterford,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and soon, my rosy cheeks would be gone for ever.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Turn around, please.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12And, er, lift your ringlets.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I reckon you could go a shade lighter than that.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Araminty! Ain't you got no shame?!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Whitening the good brown bosoms the Lord gave you.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24My Pa shacked up with a fine lady
0:27:24 > 0:27:28an Ma showing her bonnet to anyone with a threepenny bit!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I reckon I don't have no shame. No.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Fair point. Well made.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Ah! Miss Muslin, I fear I cannot serve you.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Our postman is out on his rounds
0:27:45 > 0:27:48and I've a most urgent delivery to make to Lord Cranborne.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- Is he missing some potatoes? - I'm hoping not.- It would seem you have a bee in your bonnet.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- I admit I have feelings for him. - No, you have a bee in your bonnet.
0:27:54 > 0:27:59Oh! Doh, woah! Ah! God, I hate the country.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Best call it midsummer madness, Ma.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Me shacking up with Mrs Godchild.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- Me doing the private dancing. - That's no life.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10I never want to hear Greensleeves again, I can tell you that.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14If we could just set things straight with Araminty.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Take a look yonder.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24It's Araminty with the children!
0:28:24 > 0:28:30- I sold my flitching tools to get them out of the pawnshop.- Oh, Pa!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Wrong children. Little beggar.
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Never mind. Still got the tickets. Come on, tiddlers.
0:28:46 > 0:28:48Easy mistake.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52I love you, Albert Finch.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Not as much as I love you, Catheter Finch.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Lord Cranborne, please.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13I have a registered package and an Innovations catalogue.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17KNOCK Hang on.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Ah, Lord Cranborne, the matter we discussed previously,
0:29:24 > 0:29:28regarding ladies' netherwear and the time taken in removal...
0:29:28 > 0:29:32- I'm not sure I recall.- Corsets.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34The blacksmith has come up with a gadget
0:29:34 > 0:29:39that will make it much quicker for the dog to see the euphemism.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41I'm afraid my circumstances now are such that I have no desire
0:29:41 > 0:29:43to see your euphemism.
0:29:43 > 0:29:47Might I know what has altered your circumstances?
0:29:47 > 0:29:48We just clicked.
0:29:48 > 0:29:51I should have said something, but I was waiting to see how it went.
0:29:51 > 0:29:53I see.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58- Do you want to see how the corset works, just for info?- No fear.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01I was saying to Lord C, here, I delivered a telegram, once,
0:30:01 > 0:30:02and a woman was naked.
0:30:02 > 0:30:04It was like a go-slow in a blancmange factory.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I was sleeping with the light on for weeks.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10I'll see myself out.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21We weren't to know that sunlit evening, Ma and Pa and me,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24how swiftly life would change in that lark-filled place.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29That Pa would finally admit there was no such trade as flitching,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31and that he'd been spending all day in the reference library.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34That Ma would do an external degree in Gender Politics
0:30:34 > 0:30:36at Cranchesterford Technical College,
0:30:36 > 0:30:39and that although she would always love Pa,
0:30:39 > 0:30:42she would always slightly despise him.
0:30:44 > 0:30:48We could never have realised, as we waltzed on that sunlit meadow,
0:30:48 > 0:30:52that we were actually dancing on a badly maintained septic tank,
0:30:52 > 0:30:54and that many of us would die horribly
0:30:54 > 0:30:56from sewage-related illnesses.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01Or that Ma and Pa's children would have children of their own,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04and some of them would become the Nolan Sisters,
0:31:04 > 0:31:05Nigel Kennedy
0:31:05 > 0:31:08and Gary Wilmot.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14And as for the girl I was, Araminty,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16she fell in love with the blacksmith
0:31:16 > 0:31:18and they were as happy as larks in the sky.
0:31:23 > 0:31:25For a bit, anyway.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40Wednesday morning, and Bo has an appointment with the producers
0:31:40 > 0:31:42of the genealogy programme
0:31:42 > 0:31:45Who Do You Think You Are?
0:31:49 > 0:31:52The meeting hasn't gone well.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54Bo has walked out, having refused to give the researchers
0:31:54 > 0:31:58her real name or her date of birth.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01But Bo is not deterred by this latest setback
0:32:01 > 0:32:04and has contacted an old friend at ITV.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08He was very interested. Very.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10What's the programme, Bo?
0:32:10 > 0:32:13It's called I Am A Celebrity.
0:32:13 > 0:32:14Ooh, I like the sound of that.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Yes, and to be fair, I did work for the commercial channel years ago.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Do you remember, Wendy?
0:32:19 > 0:32:23- Emergency-Ward 10.- That's right. I was a comedy nosebleed.
0:32:23 > 0:32:27A little scrap of raw talent.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Here I am, whizzing through the streets of the capital,
0:32:31 > 0:32:35on my way to meet the producers of I Am A Celebrity.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40Ah, the whirligig of time.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50The producer of I'm A Celebrity
0:32:50 > 0:32:53has explained that it is a Japanese-style endurance game.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57You get all the jungle gear, the boots and the shorts, and so on.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Sometimes we fly people in as a surprise.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02I think we did that with Cannon and Ball.
0:33:02 > 0:33:06But Bo seems still to be interested.
0:33:06 > 0:33:09We have these things called Bushtucker Trials,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12where the celebrities have to eat rather disgusting things,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15like edible grubs and locusts
0:33:15 > 0:33:18and kangaroo anus.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20I think Jan Leeming ate wombat penis.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26Well, that's about it.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29How dare you!
0:33:30 > 0:33:31What?
0:33:31 > 0:33:35Do you seriously think I would give an instant's consideration
0:33:35 > 0:33:37to your fetid little programme?
0:33:37 > 0:33:41- Why? What?- I am an actress.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44A loved and respected actress.
0:33:44 > 0:33:52I was voted Best Loved Character in a Soap 1987, 1989 and 1990,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55and there are three things on television I will never do.
0:33:55 > 0:33:57I will not wear shorts.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01I will not take part in any repellent eating trial.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05And I will not appear on any programme
0:34:05 > 0:34:10that considers Jan Leeming to be a celebrity. Come on, Wendy.
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Some ladies may need to kick-start their careers
0:34:16 > 0:34:18by chomping on the private parts of a marsupial.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21In the unlikely event that I ever have to boost my profile,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23you'll find me on Channel 4.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26In Dictionary Corner on Countdown. Good day.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Out of my way.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Sorry.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Oh, Bo, isn't that the Olympic skaters?
0:34:42 > 0:34:44That's right.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46It's Pearl and Dean.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Now that looks like an elegant show to be on.
0:34:49 > 0:34:55I don't suppose they have to chow down on wallaby scrotum.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58Is it worth giving them a ring? While we're here?
0:35:00 > 0:35:02MUSIC: Ravel's Bolero
0:35:08 > 0:35:13- Have you skated before, Bo? - Not for some time.
0:35:13 > 0:35:14- We used to go to Richmond. - That's right.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17We used to go round the edge, didn't we? Once round the edge.
0:35:17 > 0:35:22- What, just hanging on?- That's right. I'm sure it'll come back to me.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24What do they call it? Muscle...
0:35:24 > 0:35:27- Memory.- That's it. Muscle-memory.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29Bo.
0:35:29 > 0:35:35Here they are, the plucky little East Midlanders.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38- Ooh! Hello. Hello.- Hello.
0:35:38 > 0:35:39Hello.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41'While Bo makes friends
0:35:41 > 0:35:45'with Dancing On Ice Stars Torvill and Dean,
0:35:45 > 0:35:47'I take a minute to chat to Wendy.'
0:35:47 > 0:35:51Wendy, you do an awful lot for Bo, don't you?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54There's the shopping, cooking, cleaning and driving.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56I mean, you're almost a dogsbody.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58I'm very privileged.
0:35:58 > 0:35:59You don't see what she does for me.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Actually, no, I don't.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04What does she do for you? I'm intrigued.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05She's my life!
0:36:08 > 0:36:09She is my life.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14I thought I might get a hot chocolate.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26Only if Bo shows some competence on the ice
0:36:26 > 0:36:29will she be allowed to take part in the show.
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Get back.
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Thank you. Thank you, Christopher.
0:36:43 > 0:36:44All right, Bo?
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Yes.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17- It's a lot about poise, isn't it? - Gliding.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19Is that a moment?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21I think, yes.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26She's relaxing a bit more now, I think.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42Oh, my god! Wendy!
0:37:47 > 0:37:49- Thank you.- Keep practising.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56What did they say?
0:37:56 > 0:38:00They say it would be a very big time commitment
0:38:00 > 0:38:02if I stayed in right to the final.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04We wouldn't want to miss Crufts.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07I might have to turn it down, sadly.
0:38:09 > 0:38:14- Can you get yourself up off the ice? - No.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35Come on, insy-pooh!
0:38:35 > 0:38:37'Saturday evening.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41'It's my last chance to talk to Bo and there's one question
0:38:41 > 0:38:43'I feel I must put to her.'
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Has it been a humiliating week, Bo?
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Oh, that's a pretty probing question, Colin.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54Deserves an honest answer.
0:38:54 > 0:38:57It was a hard week, shall we say.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00And I did have to be forceful at times.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05But humiliating, no. I don't think I humiliated anyone.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Not my style.
0:39:07 > 0:39:12- Ooh, lovely.- So, you weren't out of your comfort zone this week?
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Colin, I'm an actress.
0:39:15 > 0:39:19You can take me to risk, you can take me to danger,
0:39:19 > 0:39:23but never ask me to visit comfort zone.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28That's one place Bo Beaumont ain't never going to go.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32Oh, cracker-mole.
0:39:34 > 0:39:36What's on the gogglebox, Wendy?
0:39:38 > 0:39:42When Celebrity Gastric Bands Wear Out.
0:39:42 > 0:39:43Lovely.
0:39:45 > 0:39:46Mmm.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Mmm.
0:40:01 > 0:40:02Well, what a Games it's been.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05An unforgettable Midlife Olympics.
0:40:05 > 0:40:08Carol and I would like to thank you for spending time with us
0:40:08 > 0:40:11here in Middlesex.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13Let's take a look at our medal highlights,
0:40:13 > 0:40:16including that unforgettable closing ceremony.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19But first, we're going to take a look at that magical moment
0:40:19 > 0:40:23when the Midlife Olympic flame finished its long journey
0:40:23 > 0:40:27from Addis Ababa and arrived in Brentford.
0:40:30 > 0:40:33And what a solemn moment this is.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Veteran Tony Middleton,
0:40:35 > 0:40:40holder of the world speed record for Setting The Table,
0:40:40 > 0:40:43lighting the Olympic flame that will mark the start
0:40:43 > 0:40:47of the Midlife Games of 2009.
0:40:53 > 0:40:56Lit by wife Sheila, there.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Eve Bluston, first attempt
0:41:03 > 0:41:05on the balance beam,
0:41:05 > 0:41:06pipped to silver in Nagasaki,
0:41:06 > 0:41:08looking to conquer today.
0:41:08 > 0:41:09And, oh...
0:41:09 > 0:41:14No. It's not happening. Lost momentum. First refusal.
0:41:14 > 0:41:15Pain etched on the face
0:41:15 > 0:41:16of Graham Gardner,
0:41:16 > 0:41:17back on the pedalo only weeks
0:41:17 > 0:41:19after a botched hip-replacement.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Ghanaians giving their all, but it's not enough.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Yes! Britain has gold
0:41:23 > 0:41:24and the Ghanaians are nowhere.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Come in, number three, you've got a gold medal.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30Second attempt from Eve Bluston, now.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33That's a lovely run.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Achieves good height. No, no. Second leg not coming up.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39And coach Alan Lily there, with the official bunk-up.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42No, no, doesn't want it. Second refusal.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45Well, I think we can say goodbye to the silver.
0:41:45 > 0:41:46India,
0:41:46 > 0:41:48very good in all flat-pack events,
0:41:48 > 0:41:50but Babs and Nigel Conway
0:41:50 > 0:41:52are racing ahead with only one shelf to go.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54Is it solid? It's solid!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57Married Couples Self-assembly
0:41:57 > 0:41:58Flat-pack Olympic gold
0:41:58 > 0:42:01back where it belongs - in Britain.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Nice use of the hand
0:42:03 > 0:42:05to steady herself.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08One leg on. That's a new plastic knee she's holding. She's up.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11She needs both hands up to secure the medal.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Alan lets go. Up go the arms.
0:42:13 > 0:42:14Bluston has silver.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18And what a breathtaking sight
0:42:18 > 0:42:19that is.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21Ken Falloway forming the shape
0:42:21 > 0:42:24of the Olympic Rings in fire against the night sky
0:42:24 > 0:42:27of our host city, Brentford in Middlesex.
0:42:29 > 0:42:32And one can only marvel at the months of dedication
0:42:32 > 0:42:34and sheer slog that have resulted
0:42:34 > 0:42:36in this flawless closing display.
0:42:39 > 0:42:40And there it goes.
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Gold and silver fountain, one of the hardest fireworks to light,
0:42:43 > 0:42:46but it lit for the British Olympic hosts in Brentford tonight.
0:42:46 > 0:42:49And on that triumphant note,
0:42:49 > 0:42:52we say a very good night to middle-aged people everywhere.
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Well, we've come to the end of the show
0:43:05 > 0:43:07and we're going to finish with a song.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10We wanted to have a big musical number with big orchestration
0:43:10 > 0:43:13and lots of dancers but, you know, we can't afford it, so...
0:43:16 > 0:43:17Anyway. Never mind.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19We've got a piano, which is more than we had this morning
0:43:19 > 0:43:21when I came in and it was a Bontempi.
0:43:24 > 0:43:29So I'm going to dedicate this song to all the middle-aged people
0:43:29 > 0:43:31watching out there.
0:43:31 > 0:43:32All the Barrys and Fridas.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35They may have been married for a long time.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37Perhaps the spark has gone out of their relationship.
0:43:37 > 0:43:41Perhaps they don't have quite as good a sex life as they once had.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44This is for them.
0:43:48 > 0:43:50# Frida and Barry sat one night
0:43:50 > 0:43:54# The sky was clear, the stars were bright
0:43:54 > 0:43:57# The wind was soft, the moon was up
0:43:57 > 0:44:00# Frida drained her cocoa cup
0:44:00 > 0:44:04# She licked her lips, she felt sublime
0:44:04 > 0:44:07# She switched off Gardener's Question Time
0:44:07 > 0:44:10# Barry cringed in fear and dread
0:44:10 > 0:44:17# As Frida grabbed his tie and said
0:44:17 > 0:44:18# Let's do it, let's do it
0:44:18 > 0:44:21# Do it while the mood is right
0:44:21 > 0:44:23# I'm feeling appealing
0:44:23 > 0:44:24# I really got an appetite
0:44:24 > 0:44:27# I'm on fire with desire
0:44:27 > 0:44:29# I could handle half the tenors in the male-voice choir
0:44:29 > 0:44:33# Let's do it, let's do it tonight
0:44:33 > 0:44:36# But he said, I can't do it, I can't do it
0:44:36 > 0:44:38# I'm not exactly Russell Brand
0:44:38 > 0:44:40# Your thwarted, I'm sorted
0:44:40 > 0:44:43# Got me evening's telly planned
0:44:43 > 0:44:45# It's a pity, the nitty-gritty
0:44:45 > 0:44:47# I've taped 11 episodes of Holby City
0:44:47 > 0:44:51# Can't do it, can't do it tonight
0:44:51 > 0:44:53# So she said, let's do it, let's do it
0:44:53 > 0:44:56# Do it till our hearts go boom
0:44:56 > 0:44:57# Go native, creative
0:44:57 > 0:45:00# Living in the living room
0:45:00 > 0:45:02# This folly is jolly
0:45:02 > 0:45:04# Bend me over backwards on my hostess trolley
0:45:04 > 0:45:08# Let's do it, let's do it tonight
0:45:08 > 0:45:11# Can't do it, can't do it
0:45:11 > 0:45:13# Me heavy breathing days have gone
0:45:13 > 0:45:15# Niagara, Viagra
0:45:15 > 0:45:17# Nothing really turns me on
0:45:17 > 0:45:19# Stops stewing, boo-hooing
0:45:19 > 0:45:22# I've had a good look down there and there's nothing doing
0:45:22 > 0:45:26# Can't do it, can't do it tonight
0:45:26 > 0:45:28# Let's do it, let's do it
0:45:28 > 0:45:30# While I'm really in the mood
0:45:30 > 0:45:32# Three cheers, it's years
0:45:32 > 0:45:34# Since I caught you even semi-nude
0:45:34 > 0:45:37# Get drastic, gymnastic
0:45:37 > 0:45:39# Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic
0:45:39 > 0:45:43# But let's do it, let's do it tonight
0:45:43 > 0:45:45# Can't do it, can't do it
0:45:45 > 0:45:47# It's really not my cup of tea
0:45:47 > 0:45:49# I'm harassed, embarrassed
0:45:49 > 0:45:52# Wish you hadn't picked on me
0:45:52 > 0:45:53# Don't choose me, don't use me
0:45:53 > 0:45:56# My mother's sent a note to say you must excuse me
0:45:56 > 0:46:00# Can't do it, can't do it tonight
0:46:00 > 0:46:02# Let's do it, let's do it
0:46:02 > 0:46:05# I feel absolutely must
0:46:05 > 0:46:07# I won't exempt you, what to tempt you
0:46:07 > 0:46:09# Want to drive you mad with lust
0:46:09 > 0:46:11# No cautions, just contortions
0:46:11 > 0:46:13# Skewer an avocado on my lower portions
0:46:13 > 0:46:15# Let's do it
0:46:15 > 0:46:17# Let's do it tonight
0:46:17 > 0:46:19# I can't do it, can't do it,
0:46:19 > 0:46:22# I must refuse to get unzipped
0:46:22 > 0:46:23# I'm tearful, I'm fearful
0:46:23 > 0:46:26# Worried that I'm ill-equipped
0:46:26 > 0:46:28# Don't bully, I can't fully
0:46:28 > 0:46:30# Guarantee to cope without a rope and pulley
0:46:30 > 0:46:34# Can't do it, can't do it tonight
0:46:34 > 0:46:36# Let's do it, let's do it
0:46:36 > 0:46:38# I really want to run amok
0:46:38 > 0:46:40# Let's wiggle, let's jiggle
0:46:40 > 0:46:42# Let's really make the rafters rock
0:46:42 > 0:46:44# Be mighty, be flighty
0:46:44 > 0:46:47# Come and light the buttons on my flameproof nightie
0:46:47 > 0:46:48# Let's handle some scandal
0:46:48 > 0:46:51# Come and suck Ribena from my peep-toe sandal
0:46:51 > 0:46:53# Surprise me, chastise me
0:46:53 > 0:46:56# Let's be Fern and Phil and you can patronise me
0:46:56 > 0:46:58# Let's do it, let's do it tonight.
0:47:45 > 0:47:47# Get festive, get restive
0:47:47 > 0:47:49# Dunk me in the duvet like a big Digestive
0:47:49 > 0:47:51# Just humour a late bloomer
0:47:51 > 0:47:53# Stuff my Christmas stocking with your big satsuma
0:47:53 > 0:47:55# Not bleakly, not meekly
0:47:55 > 0:47:58# Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly
0:47:58 > 0:48:00# Let's do it
0:48:00 > 0:48:10# Let's do it toni-i-ght.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12APPLAUSE
0:48:49 > 0:48:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd