0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:06'It's easy to make a short person the butt of the joke.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09'But can you include them in comedy without taking the piss?
0:00:09 > 0:00:13'And should only short people do short-people jokes?'
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I can't wear tampons because I trip over the string.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20'I don't think so, and I'm going to try and prove it.'
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I have an artificial right foot. I'll show you so you know
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I'm not making it up. It goes from the knee down.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34I was just born, came out, didn't have a right foot.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Now, whenever I leave the house,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38I have a nagging feeling I've left something behind.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40'I'm Adam Hills, and in five days' time,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44'I'll stand in front of a Northern Ireland audience and talk about
0:00:44 > 0:00:48'what's funny about being short, while trying not to offend.'
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I'm hoping I can kind of almost be the conduit
0:00:52 > 0:00:55to go between people with disabilities and people without
0:00:55 > 0:00:57and kind of open the door and go, "There you go.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01"I'm a member of the club, I'll sneak you in!"
0:01:01 > 0:01:05'Phil Searle came to Belfast for a six-week run of the Christmas panto.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07'Ten years on, he's still here.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10'I'm going to spend a few days stalking him
0:01:10 > 0:01:12'to see what's funny about his life.'
0:01:14 > 0:01:18I think that Adam might get a shock,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21because I don't think he knows what he's letting himself into!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26'Before I spend time with Phil, I'm going to see a pro in action.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29'She calls herself the Ferrari of comedy -
0:01:29 > 0:01:33'low to the ground and kind of racy. It's Tanyalee Davis.'
0:01:33 > 0:01:39Look at me! That's right, check out the tits on the five year-old!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I understand that most people assume I'm a midget.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45But you also assume I've got to have midget friends!
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Like there's packs of us hanging around together!
0:01:51 > 0:01:57Little scooter gangs of midgets! "Whoa! Power to the pygmies!"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Do people get offended?
0:02:01 > 0:02:06I've had people come up to me and say, "Yeah, you were funny,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"but you shouldn't talk about your condition."
0:02:08 > 0:02:11And I'm like, "Oh, really? My condition?"
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Holy shit, I've got arms like a T rex!
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Because I make you feel uncomfortable,
0:02:17 > 0:02:21I shouldn't talk about it, because you're uncomfortable?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22That's not my issue.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- You used the word midget before.- Yes.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Is that OK to use that word?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28The actual definition isn't considered offensive -
0:02:28 > 0:02:31it's the power and meaning behind the word.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And growing up, you're only identified as a midget.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"Hey, look at the midget! Oh, my God, there's a midget!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39"Don't look now, there's a midget!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42You don't have a name, you're just the midget,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46and it takes on a very bad connotation. So I get that.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49But "midget" is a very funny comedy word.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51There are just some words that are a lot funnier in comedy,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55and "midget" is a lot funnier than saying "little person" or "dwarf".
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Midgets doing YMCA in lowercase!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Every time we do the M we look like we're doing the butterfly stroke!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09I am who I am. And I have been criticised from little people,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11saying, "You're not representing us very well."
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Who made me the representative? I didn't get any memos.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17No, I'm sorry, I'm doing my shit.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19My husband and I were on the city bus,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21side-by-side, and my husband wants to
0:03:21 > 0:03:24give me some hugs and some kisses and lovings.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26He was leaning over to give me hugs and kisses,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I was like, "Daddy, stop it!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:32When you're on stage and start talking about topics like sex,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34how do people react to that?
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Somebody with a disability, "Oh, my God, they don't have sex!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And I'm like, "Oh, really? I got a lot of horny in this body! Pow!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:45By the way, where can we get one of you?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47You might want to get this cleaned.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49How did you get involved in this?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Why did you get picked? Just because you've got a stump?!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Look at me! Nobody fucking notices when you're on stage.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You're too good-looking to be disabled!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02You're stealing good jobs from somebody in a wheelchair!
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Last words of advice before
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I embark on this week and then do a gig about it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Don't fuck it up!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Have fun, what's the worst that could happen?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13There's not enough of us to riot!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16'I had a mixed reaction to Tanyalee.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19'I was laughing at what she was saying, but I could see Phil,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21'I could hear him laughing,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26'and clearly he was really, really enjoying it, and I was doing that comedian's thing of going,'
0:04:26 > 0:04:31I can't have the shared experience those two have got.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35I can't have a the life that she...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I feel like she's cheating!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39I went ass first the entire way!
0:04:39 > 0:04:44I'm sure this is just the usual comedian's insecurity.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48But having seen another comedian do something really well
0:04:48 > 0:04:53that I'm about to try, and I'm quite ill prepared for,
0:04:53 > 0:04:59yeah, I'm concerned! I'm very concerned!
0:05:00 > 0:05:05'With only four days till my gig, there's no time for freaking out.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09'Next morning, I call to Phil's to get the low-down on being short.'
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Hiya.- Are you all right?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- Come in.- Thanks very much.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- How long have you been in Belfast for?- Just over ten years.
0:05:17 > 0:05:23I came to do a six-week panto, and I've been here ever since.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28So, from a six-week panto, I've got a wife, two children, a cat,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30a dog, a fish tank and a bloody mortgage!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Bloody long panto, isn't it?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- Come on in here.- Thanks a million.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36- Take a pew.- Thank you, sir.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Are you sitting on the floor? Is that more comfortable?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46It's more comfortable, one because I can keep my legs straight,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48and two, you can't fall off the floor.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I'm already on it, so there's nowhere else to go!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56My condition is called achondroplasia,
0:05:56 > 0:05:58which is a bit of a mouthful.
0:05:58 > 0:06:04It's like Heinz, 57 varieties. I'm like the common-or-garden dwarf.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Achondroplasia, that's all you hear.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- So, you've got brothers and sisters?- Yes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- You're the only one with achondroplasia?- Yes.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Was there history in the family?- No.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Was it just completely random?
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- Just randomly happened.- What is the politically-correct term?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Is there a politically-correct term? Is "dwarf" appropriate?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Just say "dwarf".- Right.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35People assume that if you say that, I'm going to be really offended
0:06:35 > 0:06:40- that you've called me a dwarf, but I am.- Right, OK.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45- Here, Jake. That's Adam, say hello. - Hi, Jake, nice to meet you.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Erin. Hiya, darling.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52What are the physical things that you have to go through?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I had to have this leg straightened.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58That had to be broken in seven places.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01So I've got one straight leg, one bowed leg,
0:07:01 > 0:07:04which is what most dwarves end up having.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07We also have spinal problems.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11I've had my spine operated on four times.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Really?- Jake, show Adam the X-ray of my neck.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Hang on, which way is it? Oh, that way's up.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That way.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Whoa!
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Can you believe that's all in your dad's neck?
0:07:26 > 0:07:31What they're trying to get to is to stop the nerves from being squashed
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- and release them so I can feel things and I don't fall down.- Right.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41- It didn't work, and I've ended up with a load of bloody metal that sets alarms off in my neck.- Yeah.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I've still got what I started with. Weird, isn't it?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Slow down, Jake. - How did you meet Katy?
0:07:47 > 0:07:51She was working in the theatre in Belfast,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54so I got to see her every single show, and we just got chatting
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and chatting and chatting, and one day,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I asked her if I could take out for a meal, and she said yes.
0:08:00 > 0:08:05I says, could we possibly go as boyfriend and girlfriend?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07And she said, "Yeah."
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- "All right!" And that's it.- Great!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Just started from that.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- What was it that attracted you to Phil?- His sense of humour.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yeah.- He's a nice man, and he's got nice eyes.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Did his height affect you in any way?- Not really.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I don't notice him being small particularly anymore.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27- Is that right?- Yeah.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Not really, just if he wants me to reach stuff down,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33but that's the only time it would really...
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- I'd think, "Oh yeah, you can't reach that."- Yeah, yeah, right.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39'Phil brought me out with Jake and Erin to see how even
0:08:39 > 0:08:43'the simplest of tasks can be a struggle when you're small.'
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Sit on me shoulder.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02You puddin'!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04God, it's cold in there.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06ERIN SHOUTS Oh!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Ten-minute hassle to get a box of bloody biscuits.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Agh! Jesus!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23There's everything trashed.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Let's see if we can get away without being noticed!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35'Even at home, things aren't exactly straightforward.'
0:09:35 > 0:09:38So if you need something from the top shelf, what do you use?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40This stool here.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I've got loads of them, scattered all over the house.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45The potty's not mine!
0:09:45 > 0:09:49As you can see, that is not my mirror.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52That's my little step for getting onto bed,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56but if that's not there, I have to run and dive.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's time to put the duvet cover on.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03For most people, this would take about three minutes?
0:10:03 > 0:10:04How long does it take in ours?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07About an hour and a half when we finish.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08I've lost it.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Ah, hell.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16Stupid duvets. Should've stuck with blankets.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Now I've got to get in and put the put the bloody corners in, haven't I?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22See, all for changing a flaming duvet!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Where are you?!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30If you had asked me at the beginning of today,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"What's one of Phil's biggest challenges?...
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- You'd never have thought of that one! - No!- Katy can do the rest!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I'm knackered!
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I'll pull the line down, and we'll get Adam to hang it up.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48See, I always told you average-height people would come in useful.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Are there other things like that,
0:10:51 > 0:10:54everyday things that people just wouldn't think...?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58All the time. You'll go to some telephone boxes...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Right.- ..and the phone's always...
0:11:02 > 0:11:03- Stools?- Stools!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06It seems to be all we really need is stools!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Yeah, that's it!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12'After a long day of manly chores, we slipped off for a pint,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14'and even that was an eye-opener.'
0:11:14 > 0:11:19- Cheers.- Yours'll be ready any second. - Sweet, thank you.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I'm getting closer.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26(A stool! A stool!)
0:11:27 > 0:11:29That's it, there we go, now we've got a cue.
0:11:29 > 0:11:35The thing I realised most today is what kind of physical pain
0:11:35 > 0:11:38'and obstacles Phil goes through'
0:11:38 > 0:11:42that have nothing to do with his height, but have to do with his condition. I mean,
0:11:42 > 0:11:46he's smiling his way through it all and making the best of it,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48but the man takes 15 tablets every morning,
0:11:48 > 0:11:5115 pills just to get through the pain.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53And he does that before his wife and kids wake up
0:11:53 > 0:11:56so that they don't see what he goes through.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I can't imagine what that must be like, and that's his life.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04'And I have to turn that into a stand-up routine.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06'This may be even harder than I thought.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14'Next day, and Phil shows me that buying clothes
0:12:14 > 0:12:17'isn't as simple as shopping in the kids' section.'
0:12:18 > 0:12:21If we start talking about trousers, they've got a child's waist.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I haven't got that - I wish I had, but I haven't.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I have got an adult's waist.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29'The adult section isn't much better.'
0:12:29 > 0:12:31As you can see...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And these ones are extra-small.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42'As we left, I couldn't help noticing
0:12:42 > 0:12:44'how much people looked at Phil.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49'Pity he wasn't looking out for himself.'
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- You all right?- Yeah, fine.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Did you knock your head then? - I forgot about that bit!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Oh, gawd!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02'Buying clothes isn't cheap when you're a dwarf.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04'Everything needs to be altered.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08'But we didn't expect the alteration we were about to be offered.'
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- So, we will shorten you by three inches, then.- Right.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Now, what name...?
0:13:13 > 0:13:16'Because of Phil's back pain,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19'he gets regular massages, so naturally, I joined him.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23'For research purposes, of course!'
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I'll just have a moment. That side's really good.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36- Will you be just a little bit gentler on my left shoulder?- I will do.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Because I just cracked it a few weeks ago. I was going down on the road,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43and a car came flying round the corner like a...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- a very fast thing.- Yep.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And it just panicked me, so I just put my hand on the accelerator
0:13:49 > 0:13:53and stormed across the road, straight into the kerb,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55crashed, smashed the front of the scooter
0:13:55 > 0:13:59and went straight over the handlebars and landed right on my back.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- And saw the clouds up above. - Good Lord.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Yeah, that's what I said, or something similar to that.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10So I ended up with a great big crack in the shoulder blade.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13And did the driver stop and help?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15No. He was off like a rocket.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16- Really?- Yeah.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19What kind of person doesn't stop their car
0:14:19 > 0:14:21after they knock a dwarf off a scooter?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Probably the type of person that'll think to themselves,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27"No, no, I've had too many beers, that can't be right!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"I did not see what I've just seen!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- We probably don't need to film this bit, do we?- Nah.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Can you turn the lights off on your way out, please?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Should we have not had the girls here?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48- Yeah.- Bugger!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Every Christmas, you do panto? - Every Christmas.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Is it always Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs that you do?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yeah, doesn't really work in Jack and the Beanstalk, does it?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02What about people who say those roles are inappropriate?
0:15:02 > 0:15:06There's a lot of average-height people protest against it.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Why I don't know, because it has nothing to do with them.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- Wow.- At least you can understand it if it was another dwarf.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Yeah, yeah.- Fair enough, they're allowed their opinion as well.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19If you've got Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- you couldn't really do a part of one of the dwarfs.- No.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- It wouldn't work. - There'd be complaints.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Yes. I can. Because believe it or not, I am actually a dwarf!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32- I've heard tell! - Yeah, see? It's perfect!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38'As I sat down to my final meal with the family,
0:15:38 > 0:15:39'I asked Katy for her thoughts.'
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Your first experience of a dwarf is
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs.- Yeah.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And Phil clearly doesn't go digging for diamonds
0:15:47 > 0:15:49and he doesn't march along singing Heigh-Ho with a funny hat.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- I do in panto. - Yeah, but that's in your job.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55What did you think when you read Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Did you relate to the characters in it?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I knew I was small, I didn't know I was a dwarf. Somebody else said it,
0:16:00 > 0:16:05and I thought, "Wow, is that what I am? I've actually got a title?"
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Wow, that's like the dwarf equivalent of coming out.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- Yeah.- Except you needn't break it to your parents!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"Look, Mam, I'm sorry to tell you -
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- "I'm a dwarf."- "Oh, my God, no!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"No, I always thought it was other people's children!
0:16:20 > 0:16:25"Say that you're experimenting! Have you tried being normal height?!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"Have you at least given it a go?!"
0:16:28 > 0:16:32"I'm giving it a go, but nothing seems to move!"
0:16:32 > 0:16:36'My time with Phil and his family was coming to an end.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40'But I still wasn't convinced I was anywhere near ready.'
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I'm now performing this weekend.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And I'll be in front of a room full of people who are average height,
0:16:47 > 0:16:52who are short-statured, who have various disabilities.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57It kind of raises the question of what is going to offend.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- You don't know until you give the punchline.- Yeah.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03And then you wait. And you get ready to run.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I'll protect you, look after you!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I'll make sure they don't fill you in!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- Thanks so much!- No problem. Nice to meet you.- See ya!
0:17:10 > 0:17:14'As I left Phil's, I realised there was something still bugging me.'
0:17:14 > 0:17:15Wave bye-bye, Erin.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18'There have been two or three moments
0:17:18 > 0:17:21'where a joke has popped into my head,'
0:17:21 > 0:17:24where the word "little" is used in an instance,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27where the word "short" is used, and you go, "Oh, don't say 'short'.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31"I'll have a short black..." "Don't say 'short', Jesus!"
0:17:31 > 0:17:35That's really weird, I've only just realised that's the one thing
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I was still too scared to talk to him about, because it was...
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I was afraid it would show my ignorance...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46..that I was thinking of those things.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49And I didn't want to admit that I was thinking those jokes.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55The typical short jokes were exactly what I wanted to avoid.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59With only a day till my gig, I know I can't be thinking like this.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Phil's great, but it takes a lot to offend a freaky actor type.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I need to meet some normal dwarves.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Niall and Luke, members of the Dwarf Sports Association,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10agreed to help me out.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Lads, any chance I can join in?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18What?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20This is a quick "how to" guide for people at home.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22I'm just going to throw words at you.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Tell me...OK with it or not OK with it? OK, "dwarf".
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- Yeah.- Yeah.- Fine.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30"Short statured"?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- "Little people"? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38- "Person of restricted growth"? - Yeah.- Well...yeah.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Er, "midgets"?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42It's an insect, like.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44It's not a person.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46"Vertically challenged"?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- No, I probably wouldn't.- Really?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Just because it sounds ridiculous? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57It was the lights!
0:18:57 > 0:19:03You're watching a comedy show... and you see a short person come on screen.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Yeah. - What are your first thoughts of, "OK, where is this going to end up?"
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I'd always think of it in a bad way. My first version would be,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12"Oh, they're going to take the mick."
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Do you think it helps if people can laugh at something like this?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19If it comes from the right place?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Oh, if it comes from the right place, yeah.- Yeah.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Yeah, that's completely the thing, isn't it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Ah, Jesus!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32'Even though my head was a little clearer,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35'I still needed to figure out how to turn all this into something funny.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40'I decided to ask Tanyalee to help me throw some ideas around.'
0:19:40 > 0:19:43The big thing that I noticed, for you and for Phil and for the guys,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45reactions of people.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Hello, little princess!" "Hello! I'm acknowledging you!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:52"I want to hug you!" I get that, too. "Oh, oh! Can I pick you up?"
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Oh, my God, really?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56That's great. I can handle that for about two minutes.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- OK, I'm writing this down. - Yeah, yeah. You can't...
0:19:59 > 0:20:03As my conduit, tell people on the outside world,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"Don't pick us up! We don't like it."
0:20:06 > 0:20:11- It's not about writing jokes now, it's what do you want me to tell them?- Tell the outside world.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14My liege, I haven't a portal to the outside world.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You're like the Avatar!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20OK. I was thinking,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24well, maybe Snow White And The Seven Dwarves is a little bit out of date, but maybe
0:20:24 > 0:20:27it's just the names that are outdated,
0:20:27 > 0:20:28like Grumpy and Happy...
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Yeah, now we need Slutty and Druggy and...
0:20:33 > 0:20:37You can rename the dwarves based on your experiences.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Everybody should do it! Hang out with a dwarf for a week. It'll be great.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50'The research was done. I'd had all the help I could get.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53'Now it was all down to me.'
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Oh, I've got material.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I've got plenty of material.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Just not entirely sure if it's funny material.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I've got... I've even got, er...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12some jokes, that are going to go down very well.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Or I've got some slightly amusing sentences.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22'All too soon, the day of the gig arrived.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28'With my routine just hours away,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30'I was desperately trying to finish my set.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34'Perfect time for the guys to drop by, then.'
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Heya.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- You're a tall fucking dwarf! - I know. Everybody says that.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Yay! I'd like to thank the Academy.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Are you going to whip this shit out, show them the dwarf foot?
0:21:56 > 0:22:00So let me get this straight, your last advice to me before I go on stage is, "Whip the stump out"?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Yeah! That one!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12I'm now at that point, that actual pre-gig point,
0:22:12 > 0:22:17of shitting myself to the point of being quite excited.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23I guess this is why you do comedy - the knowledge that it could go either way,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26the knowledge that I'm about to say stuff that I don't know...
0:22:26 > 0:22:30is funny or isn't funny, or is going to offend or is going to upset.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I'm now at that point of no return.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36MC MAKES INTRODUCTION
0:22:36 > 0:22:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Hello, Belfast.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47CHEERING
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Or, I believe, as you say, "What about yew?"
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- SOME PEOPLE: What about YOU? - There it is.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56I feel I've learnt stuff and so, for the average height people here...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59I know, yeah - they call us "average height".
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Not "tall", just "average".
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Secretly, I think they should call us "vertically obese".
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Basically, a general rule to stay on the safe side is...
0:23:10 > 0:23:11"dwarf" is OK.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"Midget" is not. Just remember that. It's all you need.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20"Dwarf" is OK. "Midget" is not. If ever you're in doubt, just go, "Hang on...
0:23:20 > 0:23:21"Don't say the M-word."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Even if THEY're saying it.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26If you're around a group of short people going,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Hey! Word up, my midget," shut up - don't use it.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33What's funny is people trying not to say the wrong thing.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I was with Phil. He took his trousers to be altered and the woman said,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"All right, so we're going to shorten you by three inches."
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Five times. "Just checking - we're going to shorten you by three inches..."
0:23:44 > 0:23:46"Shut up, lady. Please shut up!"
0:23:46 > 0:23:50The mortal enemy of the dwarf...
0:23:50 > 0:23:52is the drunk person.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56So I'm going to give you right now three rules
0:23:56 > 0:23:59for dealing with a dwarf when you're drunk,
0:23:59 > 0:24:00and I am going to make them basic.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02There are three rules.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Don't pat 'em on the head, don't pick 'em up
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and don't give 'em vodka after midnight.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12The first two are offensive. The third is just for safety.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Phil told me he has fallen into the supermarket freezer three times.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Just a tip - if you see a dwarf in a supermarket freezer, help him out!
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Do not put him in your trolley, take him up to the counter and go, "This one thawed out."
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Here's another tip.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34If you're a waiter serving a short person, put the drinks in reach.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'm not making this up. Stand up, please, sir.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Come to the front of the stage and bring your drink. Because I want to try something.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46OK, reach out. Put your drink out as far as you can possibly reach.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Excellent. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be
0:24:49 > 0:24:53for someone to come up with your drink and go, "There you go."
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Pretty fucking annoying!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Reach, without climbing up. Just reach.
0:25:00 > 0:25:06OK, what if I was to tell you that for £2 I could possibly solve this problem?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08£2.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09You ready?
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Stand on that.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:25You may be seated.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:33 > 0:25:37Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dream!
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I have a dream in which every public space in the world
0:25:41 > 0:25:43is a slightly bit more accessible.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Take it home! Make your workplace and house
0:25:46 > 0:25:49just that little bit... Jesus!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Right down the back. That's right.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56This may be one small step up for a man...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00..but this could be a giant leap forward
0:26:00 > 0:26:02for anyone under 5ft high.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Ladies and gentlemen, Tanyalee Davis with Phil Searle.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:10 > 0:26:14A weird thing happened backstage. Tanyalee came over to me backstage and said,
0:26:14 > 0:26:19"I've known you for a wee while but I've never seen your artificial foot. Can I have a look?"
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I went, "OK, I'll take it off." I'll show you what I showed her.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I took my foot off and went, "OK, there you go."
0:26:27 > 0:26:29The whole thing came off.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I never really show this on stage.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34That's what my artificial foot looks like,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36and Tanyalee's response was...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Oh, my God - it's so cute!
0:26:39 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:44 > 0:26:46And it's so squishy!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48But that's when we had a moment. Tanyalee said,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"It's like a little dwarf foot."
0:26:51 > 0:26:52And I went, "My God - it is!"
0:26:52 > 0:26:54And Tanyalee and Phil both went,
0:26:54 > 0:26:56"You're one of us."
0:26:56 > 0:26:59CHEERING
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Right feet up.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06CHEERING
0:27:15 > 0:27:20At the start I wasn't too sure, but as he went through it more, I thought it was good, so I did.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21Really good, funny.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26I think he just made us aware of how sensitive people can be, or insensitive.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28And he got his point across very well.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31People who do have a disability, you sometimes feel awkward,
0:27:31 > 0:27:36you don't really know what to say, so it's good the way he made it acceptable to laugh about it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40There were certainly parts where even I felt a bit uptight
0:27:40 > 0:27:42but it's a good thing. That is a good thing -
0:27:42 > 0:27:47realising that it's something silly and it should be just laughed at. It's a good thing.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52Really good night. Thoroughly enjoyed it, myself and my friends. It's been great.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53And I got a stool!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57- So how did I go? - Well, you didn't fuck it up.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Bloody brilliant.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01He's one of us now.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Woo! Oh, yes!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20- Yes!- Oh!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Woo-hoo!
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- I need to buy some cigarettes now.- Yeah!