0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Hup!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Ya!
0:00:13 > 0:00:16A WOLF HOWLS
0:00:23 > 0:00:25THUNDER STRIKES
0:00:25 > 0:00:27HORSE WHINNIES
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Ya!
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Ya!
0:00:32 > 0:00:37On December 16th 1961, the world turned upside down
0:00:37 > 0:00:41and inside out and I was born, screaming in America.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46It was the tail end of the American dream,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50just before we lost our innocence irrevocably, when the TV eye
0:00:50 > 0:00:54brought the horror of our lives into our homes for all to see.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted, a fireman,
0:01:02 > 0:01:06a policeman, a doctor, even president it seemed.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And for the first time in the history of mankind,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11something new called an astronaut.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16But like many kids growing up on a steady diet of Westerns,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I always wanted to be the cowboy hero, that lone voice
0:01:20 > 0:01:23in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil
0:01:23 > 0:01:26wherever I found it and standing for freedom, truth and justice.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream
0:01:32 > 0:01:36wherever I go in my never-ending ride into the setting sun.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:30You're in the right place.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33It's Bill.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Living out in Los Angeles now
0:02:38 > 0:02:40so I like coming over here, you know, for the weather.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46You guys have weather, cool.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Los Angeles, every day, hot and sunny.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Today, hot and sunny. Tomorrow, hot and sunny.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Every single day, hot and sunny...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56And they love it.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Isn't it great? Every day, hot and sunny.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02What are you, a fucking lizard?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Only reptiles feel that way about this kind of weather.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I'm a mammal, I can afford coats, scarves,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14cappuccino and rosy-cheeked women.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18LA is the home of the pedestrian right-of-way law.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19What this law is,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23is if a pedestrian decides to cross the road anywhere or any time,
0:03:23 > 0:03:28on the road, every car has to stop and let this person cross the road.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Yes, because only in LA does common courtesy have to be legislated.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Every car has to stop,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42pretty ludicrous in light of the city we're in now.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44If someone steps in front of your car here,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47you speed up and turn your wipers on.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Dng-tch, dng-tch.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Bad call, brother.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Rrrrr!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Was that a bad day? I don't know.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Stupid law.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03How many of you all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06when people were being pulled out of their trucks
0:04:06 > 0:04:09and beaten half to death, how many of you all wondered like I did...
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Step on the fucking gas, man!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:24They're on foot, you're in a truck.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I think I see a way out of this.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34That pedestrian right-of-way law.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42People are driving home, gang of youths stepped in front
0:04:42 > 0:04:44of the truck, Molotov cocktails,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46clubs in hand, every one of these idiots...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48# Oooh! #
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I guarantee you that Reginald Denny, that truck driver,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02never going to stop again as long as he lives.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Could be an old woman with a baby carriage crossing the road, he's...
0:05:08 > 0:05:10IMITATES TRUCK HORN
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Not today, baby.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Not a time to quit smoking, kids.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26But I fucking did it.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And yes, I miss them.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33It is hard to quit smoking.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Every one of them looks real good to me right now.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus
0:05:41 > 0:05:47and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Golly, that looks tasty.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Every time I'm here something weird happens.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18This time, Bush lost. Cool.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25People ask me where I stood politically, you know?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy
0:06:27 > 0:06:30or his foreign policy, it's that I believed
0:06:30 > 0:06:32he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet Earth.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Yeah, I'm a little to the left there, I was.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I was leaning that way, I think.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Yeah, you know who else has gone, little Quayle-boy.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Little Damien.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Is that guy Damian?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Tell me those blank, empty eyes
0:06:54 > 0:06:57aren't going to glow red in the very near future.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Stop making jokes about me.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09"I'll spell potato any fucking way I want.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Rioters in LA, let's nuke them.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20"Bush was a pussy.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24"He held me back."
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Frightening people.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Bush trying to buy votes towards the end of the election
0:07:38 > 0:07:42and goes around selling weapons to everyone, getting that military
0:07:42 > 0:07:47industrial complex vote happening for him, sold 160 fighter jets
0:07:47 > 0:07:50to Korea, and then 240 tanks to Kuwait
0:07:50 > 0:07:52and then goes round making speeches why he should be
0:07:52 > 0:07:58Commander In Chief, because... "We still live in a dangerous world."
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Thanks to you, you fucker.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05What are you doing?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Last week Kuwaitis had nothing but rocks.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Quit arming the fucking world, man.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19You know he armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25"Iraq, incredible weapons, incredible weapons."
0:08:25 > 0:08:27"How do you know that?"
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Well..."
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"We looked at the receipt.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"But as soon as that cheque clears, we're going in.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47"What time does the bank open? Eight?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"We're going in at nine."
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over
0:08:56 > 0:08:58to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01We keep arming these little countries and then we go
0:09:01 > 0:09:03and blow the shit out of them.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06We're like the bullies of the world, you know?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14"Pick it up."
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"I don't want to pick it up, mister, you'll shoot me."
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"Pick up the gun."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"some gingham for my wife.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45"I don't even know what gingham is but she goes...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50"I ain't looking for no trouble, mister."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55"Pick up the gun."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13GUN SHOTS
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"You all saw him, he had a gun."
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Kennedy.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I love talking about the Kennedy assassination because, to me,
0:10:28 > 0:10:32it's a great example of a totalitarian government's ability
0:10:32 > 0:10:38to manage information and thus keep us in the dark any way they deem...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Oh, sorry, wrong meeting.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Shit.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46That's the meeting we're having tomorrow at the docks.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I love talking about Kennedy. I was just down in Dallas, Texas.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You know, you can go down there to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy
0:10:57 > 0:11:00was assassinated and you can actually go to the sixth floor
0:11:00 > 0:11:03of the school book depository.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's a museum called...
0:11:05 > 0:11:08the Assassination Museum.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I think they named that after the assassination,
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I can't be too sure of the chronology here, but...
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Anyway, they have the window set up to look exactly like it did
0:11:20 > 0:11:22on that day and it's really accurate, you know?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Cos Oswald's not in it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Yeah, yeah, so...
0:11:28 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Painstaking accuracy, you know?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's true, it's called the sniper's nest.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It's glassed in. It's got the boxes sitting there.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You can't actually get to the window itself.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48The reason they did that, of course, they didn't want
0:11:48 > 0:11:52thousands of American tourists getting there each year going...
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"No fucking way!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03"I can't even see the road. Shit, they're lying to us!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"Fuck!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"Where are they?!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"There's no fucking way!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"Not unless Oswald was hanging by his toes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20"Upside down from the ledge.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"Either that or some pigeons grabbed onto him,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"flew him over the motorcade..."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Surely someone would have seen that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35You know, there were rumours of anti-Castro pigeons
0:12:35 > 0:12:38seen drinking in bars. Someone overheard him saying, "Coo, coo."
0:12:40 > 0:12:42"Coo."
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Unbelievable and you know as well, it's people's attitudes
0:12:49 > 0:12:51in the States about it, talking about Kennedy.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55People come up to me saying, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy, man.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56"Let it go.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00"It's a long time ago, just forget about it."
0:13:01 > 0:13:05I'm like, "All right, then don't bring up Jesus to me."
0:13:05 > 0:13:07APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14As long as we're talking shelf-life here.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19"Bill, you know Jesus died for you."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Yeah, it's a long time ago. Forget about it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24"How about this?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"Get Pilate to release the fucking files."
0:13:28 > 0:13:32"Quit washing your hands, Pilate, and release the goddamn files.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35"Who else was on that grassy Golgotha that day?"
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"Bill, it was just, you know...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"..taking over of democracy by totalitarian government.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49"Let it go."
0:13:51 > 0:13:54OK. Sorry.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59That's another thing about Bush being gone, man,
0:13:59 > 0:14:02cos the last 12 years with Reagan and Bush
0:14:02 > 0:14:04we've had fundamentalist Christians in the White House.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Fundamentalist Christians who believe that the Bible
0:14:07 > 0:14:09is exact word of God,
0:14:09 > 0:14:14including that wacky fire and brimstone Revelations ending,
0:14:14 > 0:14:19have had their finger on the fucking button for 12 years.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21"Tell me when, Lord, tell me when!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"Let me be your servant, Lord!"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Fundamentalist Christianity, fascinating.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36These people actually believe the world is 12,000 years old.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I swear to God! "Based on what?" I asked them.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"Well, we look at all the people in the Bible and we added them up,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48"all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages - 12,000 years."
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Well, how fucking scientific, OK!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there, that's good!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You believe the world's 12,000 years old? "That's right."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07OK, I got one word to ask you, one-word question.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Ready? "Uh-huh."
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Dinosaur.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16You know, if the world's 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20and they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned
0:15:20 > 0:15:22in the fucking Bible at some point.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"And Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"but the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus...
0:15:30 > 0:15:33"..with a splinter in his paw.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"And oh, the disciples did run, a-shreiking,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38" 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!'
0:15:43 > 0:15:47"But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter
0:15:47 > 0:15:51"from the brontosaurus' paw, and the big lizard became his friend.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55"And Jesus sent him to Scotland, where he lived in a loch
0:15:55 > 0:16:00"for oh, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists
0:16:00 > 0:16:04"to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"and, oh, Scotland did praise the Lord.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"Thank you, Lord.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13"Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord."
0:16:17 > 0:16:18But get this.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I actually asked one of these guys - OK, dinosaur fossils,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24how does that fit into your scheme of life?
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Let me sit down and strap in.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He said, "Dinosaur fossils?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38"God put those here to test our faith."
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Thank God I'm strapped in here now, man!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I think God put you here to test my faith, dude!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54You believe that? "Uh-huh."
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Does that trouble anyone here,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02the idea that God might be fucking with our heads?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Some prankster God running around, "Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"We will see who believes in me now!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"I am God, I am a prankster!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"I am killing me, ha, ha, ha!"
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You die and go to St Peter, "Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:31"Yeah, there were fossils everywhere... Agh!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"You fucking idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"God was fucking with you!"
0:17:38 > 0:17:42"It seemed so plausible! Agh!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
0:17:50 > 0:17:52They believe this.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You ever notice how people who believe in creationism
0:17:55 > 0:17:57look really un-evolved?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Did you ever notice that?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08"I believe God created me in one day."
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Looks like he rushed it!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26They believe the Bible is the exact word of God.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Then they change the Bible.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Pretty presumptuous, huh?!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35"I think what God meant to say..."
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I've never been that confident.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47They actually have a Bible out called the New Living Bible.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50It's the in Bible updated in modern English.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I guess to make it more palatable for people to read,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55but it's really weird when you listen to it.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56"And Jesus walked on water.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"And Peter said, 'Awesome!' "
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Suddenly we've got Jesus hanging ten across the Sea of Galilee.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Christ's Bogus Adventure.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Deuteronomy, 90210.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26It's such a weird belief.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28A lot of Christians wear crosses round their necks?
0:19:28 > 0:19:32You think when Jesus comes back he's going to want to see a fucking cross?
0:19:33 > 0:19:36"Ow!"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38That may be why he hasn't shown up yet!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not going, Dad!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45"No, they totally missed the point!
0:19:45 > 0:19:49"When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52"Let me bury fossil heads with you, Dad.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53"Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"They're fucking with me now, let's go.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58"Give me that brontosaurus head, Dad."
0:20:01 > 0:20:04You know? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis
0:20:04 > 0:20:05with a rifle pendant on.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08"Just thinking of John, Jackie - we love him.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14"Trying to keep that memory alive, baby."
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Back and to the left.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Back and to the left.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Back and to the left.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Back and to the left.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Which, by the way, that action you see Kennedy's head do
0:20:39 > 0:20:41on the Zapruder film...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44..caused by a bullet...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48..coming from up there. Yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I know it looks to the layman
0:20:50 > 0:20:52or someone who might dabble in physics...
0:20:55 > 0:20:59..this action here would have been caused by a bullet coming from...
0:21:01 > 0:21:02..well...
0:21:11 > 0:21:13..up here. Did you see that?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Did everyone see that?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Yeah. But no, what happened was, Oswald's gun went off,
0:21:20 > 0:21:25causing an echo to echo through the buildings of Dealey Plaza,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28and the echo went by the limo on the left,
0:21:28 > 0:21:33up into the grassy knoll, hitting some leaves,
0:21:33 > 0:21:34causing dust to fly out,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36which 56 witnesses testified was a gunshot,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39cos immediately, Kennedy's head went over.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42But the reason his head went over is
0:21:42 > 0:21:44cos the echo went by the motorcade on the left,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46and he went, "What was that?"
0:21:48 > 0:21:49So there.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52We've figured it out. Go back to bed, America.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Your government has figured out how it all transpired.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Go back to bed, America - your government is in control again.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this. Shut up.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Go back to bed, America.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Here's American Gladiators.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Here's 56 channels of it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Here you go, America. You are free to do as we tell you.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23You are free to do as we tell you.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26"Oh, good. Honey, I heard on the news
0:22:26 > 0:22:28"that they figured out that the gun,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31"what happened is that there was an echo
0:22:31 > 0:22:34"and Kennedy was asking Jackie what it was,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"and that's why his head flew...
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"Honey, what time's Gladiators on?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42"Are we missing it? Woo, I'm so glad we're free, honey."
0:22:47 > 0:22:51By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53kill yourself.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57- APPLAUSE - Thank you, thanks.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Maybe one day they'll take root, I don't know.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05You try. You do what you can.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Kill yourselves.
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Seriously, though, if you are, do.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15No, really.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17There's no rationalisation for what you do,
0:23:17 > 0:23:21and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourself.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25No, this is not a joke.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27You're going, "There's going to be a joke coming" -
0:23:27 > 0:23:29there's no fucking joke coming.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32You are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34You are fucked and you are fucking us.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Kill yourself - it's the only way to save your fucking soul.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38Kill yourself.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Planting seeds.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I know all the marketing people are going, "He's doing a joke" -
0:23:47 > 0:23:49there's no joke here whatsoever.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Suck a tailpipe, fucking hang yourself,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54borrow a gun from a Yank friend - I don't care how you do it.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Rid the world of your evil fucking machinations.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Mach... Whatever, you know what I mean.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09"You know what Bill's doing? He's going for that anti-marketing dollar.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"That's a good market. He's smart."
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Oh, man, I am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"You know what Bill's doing now -
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"he's going for the righteous-indignation dollar.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"That's a big dollar.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Lot of people are feeling that, We've done research.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"Huge market. He's doing a good thing."
0:24:31 > 0:24:34God damn it, I'm not doing that, you scumbags.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on everything on this planet!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"Ooh, the anger dollar - huge!
0:24:42 > 0:24:44"Huge in times of recession. Giant market.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"Bill's very bright to do that."
0:24:48 > 0:24:51God, I'm just caught in a fucking web!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54"The trapped dollar - big dollar, huge dollar. Good market.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"Look at our research. We see that many people feel trapped.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00"If we play to them and separate them into the trapped dollar..."
0:25:01 > 0:25:02How do you live like that?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I bet you sleep like fucking babies at night, don't you?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07"What did you do tonight, honey?"
0:25:07 > 0:25:11"Oh, we made arsenic a childhood food now. Good night."
0:25:11 > 0:25:15HE SNORES
0:25:15 > 0:25:20"Yeah, we just said, 'Is your baby really too loud?'
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"Yeah, the mums'll love it, yeah."
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Sleep like fucking children, don't you? This is your world, isn't it?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31But I saw this movie this year, last year, called Basic...
0:25:32 > 0:25:36..Instinct. OK, now, Bill's quick capsule review -
0:25:36 > 0:25:38piece of shit. OK, now...
0:25:38 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Yeah. End of story, by the way.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Don't get caught up in that fevered, hyped, phoney fucking debate
0:25:48 > 0:25:50about that piece-of-shit movie.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"Is it too sexist? And what about the movies,
0:25:52 > 0:25:53"are they becoming too...?"
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You're just confused.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59You've forgotten how to judge correctly. Take a deep breath.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Look at it again. "God, it's a piece of shit!"
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Exactly. That's all it is.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Satan squatted, let out a load, they put a fucking title on it,
0:26:09 > 0:26:14put it in a marquee, Satan's shit, piece of shit - walk away.
0:26:14 > 0:26:15"But is it too...?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"And what about the lesbian...?"
0:26:17 > 0:26:20You're getting really baffled here!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Piece of shit.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Now walk away.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26That's all it is, it's nothing more!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Free yourself, folks. If you see...
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Piece of shit - say it and walk away.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33You're right.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36You're right. Not those fuckers who want to tell you how to think.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38You're fucking right!
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Sorry - wrong meeting, again!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I keep getting my days mixed up!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Tomorrow, it's the meeting at the docks.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Tonight, it's comedy entertainment with young Bill!
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Horrible film.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And then I come to find out after that film
0:27:05 > 0:27:07that all the lesbian sex scenes...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Let me repeat that.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10All...
0:27:16 > 0:27:20All the lesbian sex scenes were cut out of that film
0:27:20 > 0:27:26because the test audience was turned off by them.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Boy, is my thumb not on the pulse of America!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44I don't want to seem like Randy Pan The Goat Boy, but...
0:27:46 > 0:27:49..that was the only reason I went to that piece of shit.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58If I'd been in that test audience, the only one out front protesting
0:27:58 > 0:28:02that film would have been Michael Douglas, demanding his part be put back in.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"I swear I was in that movie, I swear I was."
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Gee, Mike the movie you starred in, Sharon Stone was eating
0:28:14 > 0:28:16another woman for an hour and a half...
0:28:19 > 0:28:21..then the credits rolled.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I don't remember seeing your scrawny arse, Mike.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31"Was Bill Hicks in that test audience?"
0:28:32 > 0:28:35DEEP LAUGH
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Bill Boy called it like he saw it, Mikey.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42You made your 14 mil, now hit the fucking road.
0:28:42 > 0:28:47Bill Boy is inviting some people over to see the video premier
0:28:47 > 0:28:49of The Goat Boy, edited version.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Only I'm Goat Boy.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58What do you want, Goat Boy,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01you big, ol' smelly, shaggy thing?
0:29:01 > 0:29:04DEEP LAUGH
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Goat Boy is here to please you.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12How?
0:29:12 > 0:29:16DEEP LAUGH
0:29:16 > 0:29:17Tie me to your headboard.
0:29:18 > 0:29:23Throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feedbag.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29HE SLURPS
0:29:38 > 0:29:40A-a-a-a-rgh!
0:29:40 > 0:29:43Hold on to my horns.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I am available for children's parties, by the way.
0:29:53 > 0:29:56"Mommy, I want Goat Boy to come play at our house."
0:29:56 > 0:29:58DEEP LAUGH
0:30:02 > 0:30:04But, you know...
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Pot, right. Um...
0:30:12 > 0:30:14They lie about marijuana,
0:30:14 > 0:30:18tell you pot smoking makes you unmotivated - lie!
0:30:18 > 0:30:21When you're high, you can do everything you normally do
0:30:21 > 0:30:22just as well.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26You just realise it's not worth the fucking effort.
0:30:26 > 0:30:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:32There is a difference.
0:30:35 > 0:30:36Sure, I can get up at dawn...
0:30:38 > 0:30:43..go to a job I hate that doesn't inspire me creatively, whatsoever...
0:30:44 > 0:30:46..for the rest of my fucking life.
0:30:49 > 0:30:50Or I can wake up at noon...
0:30:53 > 0:30:55..and learn how to play the sitar.
0:30:57 > 0:31:00HE MAKES TWANGING NOISES
0:31:07 > 0:31:11Pretty simple when it's spelled out in black and white, isn't it?
0:31:14 > 0:31:15You know?
0:31:16 > 0:31:20The only thing I've ever heard about pot is that it might lower sperm count.
0:31:21 > 0:31:22Good!
0:31:24 > 0:31:26There's too many fucking people in the world.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Someone needs to say that, by the way.
0:31:30 > 0:31:35Tired of this, "Aren't we the coolest? Humans are so neat."
0:31:35 > 0:31:36Too many of you.
0:31:37 > 0:31:41Quit rutting, just for a fucking day.
0:31:41 > 0:31:46Let's work out this food-air deal.
0:31:46 > 0:31:47Then go back to your rutting.
0:31:50 > 0:31:51But I tell you this,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55where this idea that childbirth is a miracle came from...
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I missed that fucking meeting, OK?
0:31:59 > 0:32:02"It's a miracle, childbirth is a miracle."
0:32:02 > 0:32:03No, it's not.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass,
0:32:07 > 0:32:08all right?
0:32:08 > 0:32:12It's a chemical reaction, that's all it fucking is.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14You want to know what a miracle is?
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Raising a kid that doesn't talk in a movie theatre, OK?
0:32:17 > 0:32:19There's a goddamn miracle.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22It's not a miracle if every nine months, every yin-yang
0:32:22 > 0:32:26in the world can drop a litter of these mewling cabbages on our planet.
0:32:26 > 0:32:30And just in case you haven't seen the single moms statistics,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32the miracle is spreading like wildfire.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36# Hallelujah!
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Trailer parks and council flats all over the world just filling up with little miracles.
0:32:40 > 0:32:45Thunk, thunk, thunk - like frogs laying eggs.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Thunk. "Look at all my little miracles." Thunk.
0:32:49 > 0:32:53"Filling up my trailer like a sardine can." Thunk.
0:32:53 > 0:32:59"You know what would be a real miracle? If I could remember your daddy's name." Thunk.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Guess I'll have to call you "Lorry Driver Junior".
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Thunk.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06"All I remember about your daddy was his fuzzy pot belly,
0:33:06 > 0:33:11"riding on top of me, shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly,
0:33:11 > 0:33:15"to produce my little water head miracle baby." Thunk.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17"There's your brother - Pizza Boy Delivery Junior."
0:33:18 > 0:33:20# Hallelujah!
0:33:25 > 0:33:30Just hold on for a minute and let's figure out this food-air deal, OK?
0:33:30 > 0:33:31OK.
0:33:31 > 0:33:36I'm just weird. How about have a neat world for kids to come to?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38OK, it's me, fuck it.
0:33:38 > 0:33:43Drop them like fucking flies, just fill up the world with them.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45I just don't get it.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48I'm sorry, kids are fine, just keep them away from me.
0:33:48 > 0:33:52I've been travelling all over the country on British Air, no smoking on British Air.
0:33:53 > 0:33:57Let me get this straight, no smoking, but they allow children.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01A little fairness, huh?
0:34:01 > 0:34:03"Smoking bothers me."
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Well, guess what?
0:34:11 > 0:34:15I was on this one flight, I'm sleeping on the plane and I'm fucking "knackered".
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Very tired, and I feel this tapping on my head.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26I look up and there's this little kid.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Loose...on the fucking plane.
0:34:31 > 0:34:32He's just loose.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37It's his playground in the sky.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41And he's decided that his job
0:34:41 > 0:34:43is to repetitively tap me on the top of the head.
0:34:54 > 0:34:57I look across the aisle at his mom, she's just smiling.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02This guy next to the mum goes,
0:35:02 > 0:35:05"They're so cute when they're that small."
0:35:05 > 0:35:08That's amazing, letting your kid run loose on a fucking plane.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10The kid runs over to the emergency exit
0:35:10 > 0:35:13and starts flipping the handle on the door.
0:35:15 > 0:35:17And the guy next to the mum starts to get up.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20And I go, "Wait a minute...
0:35:25 > 0:35:29"What about him learning an important lesson, right here?"
0:35:33 > 0:35:35"You're right, the smaller he gets, the cuter he is."
0:35:35 > 0:35:40APPLAUSE
0:35:43 > 0:35:46"I wish I had a camera right now...
0:35:46 > 0:35:47"with a telescopic lens.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50"Love to get a picture of his face,
0:35:50 > 0:35:54"when his pudgey little legs hit that farmhouse down there.
0:35:55 > 0:36:00"Ah, kids... Ha-ha-ha!
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"Stewardess, since we've got a breeze in here, can we smoke now?
0:36:05 > 0:36:07Fairly well circulated at this point.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14But, you know..?
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet.
0:36:22 > 0:36:26Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law
0:36:26 > 0:36:28seem to you a bit paranoid?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31You know what I mean, it's nature.
0:36:31 > 0:36:33How do you make nature against the fucking law?
0:36:33 > 0:36:37It grows everywhere, serves a 1,000 different functions,
0:36:37 > 0:36:38all of them positive.
0:36:40 > 0:36:43To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48It's like God looked down on the seventh day,
0:36:48 > 0:36:51"There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all ways,
0:36:51 > 0:36:52"now I can rest.
0:37:03 > 0:37:04"Oh, my me!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11"I left fucking pot everywhere!
0:37:15 > 0:37:17"I should never have smoked that joint on the third day.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24"That was the day I created possums.
0:37:24 > 0:37:25"Ha-ha-ha!
0:37:25 > 0:37:28"Ohh... Still gives me a chuckle.
0:37:31 > 0:37:37"If I leave pot everywhere, that's going to give humans the impression they're supposed to...use it!
0:37:40 > 0:37:42"Now I have to create Republicans."
0:37:45 > 0:37:48'And God wept',
0:37:48 > 0:37:50I believe is the next verse.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56You know what I mean? I believe that God left certain drugs
0:37:56 > 0:37:59growing naturally upon our planet
0:37:59 > 0:38:01to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed.
0:38:06 > 0:38:07Either that or you're real high
0:38:07 > 0:38:10and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now.
0:38:15 > 0:38:16I forgot the code.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18Is it two blinks, yes, one blink, no?
0:38:21 > 0:38:25Do you think magic mushrooms growing atop cow shit was an accident?
0:38:25 > 0:38:30Where do you think the phrase "That's good shit" came from?
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Why do you think Hindus think cows are holy?
0:38:36 > 0:38:37Holy shit!
0:38:39 > 0:38:43Why do I think McDonald's is the Antichrist?
0:38:45 > 0:38:49That's God's little accelerator pad for our evolution.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53Think about this, man. For billions of years - sorry, fundamentalists -
0:38:53 > 0:38:56we were nothing but apes.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01HE GRUNTS LIKE AN APE
0:39:05 > 0:39:08Probably too stupid to catch a cow, you know.
0:39:08 > 0:39:10HE GRUNTS URGENTLY
0:39:10 > 0:39:12HE GRUNTS DEJECTEDLY
0:39:12 > 0:39:14HE SOBS LIKE AN APE
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Ooooh!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23HE GRUNTS QUESTIONINGLY
0:39:26 > 0:39:29HE GRUNTS IN ANNOYANCE
0:39:35 > 0:39:37HE SNIFFS AND CHEWS
0:39:37 > 0:39:40HE GRUNTS
0:39:47 > 0:39:49HE GIGGLES
0:39:50 > 0:39:53HE GRUNTS FRANTICALLY, GIGGLES
0:39:56 > 0:39:58HE GIGGLES
0:40:01 > 0:40:04HE LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY
0:40:14 > 0:40:18HE EMITS A LOW, CONTINUOUS GROAN
0:40:22 > 0:40:24I think we can go to the moon!
0:40:28 > 0:40:30HE HUMS "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA"
0:40:48 > 0:40:51That is exactly how it fucking happened.
0:40:54 > 0:40:57Except for the marketing people, whose belief is,
0:40:57 > 0:41:01"No, it was proven that, uh...it might be a good market on the moon.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03"And, uh...a lot of people went up there,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05"good numbers, good space numbers."
0:41:05 > 0:41:07Eww!
0:41:07 > 0:41:09Save your story of creation, please.
0:41:14 > 0:41:17Not all drugs are good, now.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19OK? Some of them are great.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25Just try to know your way around them, is all.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29You know. I've had good times on drugs.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31I've had bad times on drugs, too.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33I mean, shit, look at this haircut.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38There are dangers.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Think some of y'all have tripped here before.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47I used to love tripping, man.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49There was always one guy when you were tripping,
0:41:49 > 0:41:52wants you to do something to enhance the trip.
0:41:52 > 0:41:54You know what I'm talking about?
0:41:54 > 0:41:57"You're tripping? Oh, dude!
0:41:57 > 0:41:59"You've got to play miniature golf."
0:42:04 > 0:42:07HE GIGGLES WEAKLY
0:42:07 > 0:42:11Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, man.
0:42:14 > 0:42:16HE PANTS HEAVILY
0:42:18 > 0:42:23I'm sitting watching the pyramids be built by UFOs right now, but...
0:42:24 > 0:42:26..get me to that fucking golf course!
0:42:29 > 0:42:33I'm watching Jesus fly around on a unicorn, but...
0:42:33 > 0:42:35I bet that little miniature golf
0:42:35 > 0:42:38will be just the thing to make this trip peak.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47So you guys can use your legs, huh?
0:42:51 > 0:42:55No, it's just that I'm turning into a fish right now, and...
0:42:55 > 0:42:58how about I meet you there later?
0:43:02 > 0:43:05Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty fucking high right now.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Thank you.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12You know. You just got to be careful.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14I don't know what you've got to be, fuck it.
0:43:14 > 0:43:19We got pulled over tripping on acid one night, pulled over by the cops.
0:43:19 > 0:43:20Don't recommend it.
0:43:22 > 0:43:26Cops don't appreciate fish driving around.
0:43:28 > 0:43:30They frown on that.
0:43:33 > 0:43:37Long night, man. Cops were tapping on this window.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40We're staring at 'em in this mirror.
0:43:49 > 0:43:50How tall are you?
0:43:54 > 0:43:56He's a little cop, look at him!
0:43:58 > 0:44:00How does he drive that big fucking car?
0:44:03 > 0:44:06Man, there could be thousands of them, shit.
0:44:08 > 0:44:09What are we going to do?
0:44:10 > 0:44:11Let's put him in a jar!
0:44:17 > 0:44:19It made perfect sense at that moment.
0:44:20 > 0:44:24Put him in a jar, poke some holes in the lid, leave him by the road.
0:44:24 > 0:44:27You'll never get us, coppers!
0:44:29 > 0:44:32We'll send some real firemen to let you out.
0:44:39 > 0:44:42Hey, I bet they know where the miniature golf course is.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Boo!
0:44:47 > 0:44:49Fuck it, they scared US.
0:44:54 > 0:44:56Son, you want to stand up, please?
0:45:03 > 0:45:06I just found the driver.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09"We don't need a driver, we're playing miniature golf."
0:45:14 > 0:45:15True story.
0:45:15 > 0:45:17Now...
0:45:17 > 0:45:19Later, when I was released...
0:45:20 > 0:45:23I mean, spiritually. I feel...
0:45:25 > 0:45:28"I need to see some ID."
0:45:28 > 0:45:30" I'm me, he's him, you're you!"
0:45:32 > 0:45:34"Put your hands against the car, please."
0:45:36 > 0:45:38" Which one?"
0:45:38 > 0:45:41" The UFO, the unicorn or your cruiser?"
0:45:46 > 0:45:48Drugs have done good things for us.
0:45:48 > 0:45:52If you don't believe they have, take all your albums, tapes, CDs and burn them.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56Cos the musicians who made that great music
0:45:56 > 0:46:00that has enhanced your lives throughout the years? All real fucking high.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-OK!
0:46:05 > 0:46:08And these other musicians today who don't do drugs
0:46:08 > 0:46:11and in fact, speak out against them?
0:46:11 > 0:46:13Boy, do they suck!
0:46:13 > 0:46:14What a coincidence!
0:46:16 > 0:46:20Ball-less, soulless, spiritless, corporate little bitches,
0:46:20 > 0:46:23suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them.
0:46:23 > 0:46:26HE SNORTS
0:46:32 > 0:46:36"We're rock stars against drugs, that's what the President wants!"
0:46:36 > 0:46:40Oh, suck Satan's cock!
0:46:40 > 0:46:42That's what we want, isn't it?
0:46:42 > 0:46:45Government-approved rock and roll. Whoo! We're partying now!
0:46:47 > 0:46:50"We're rock stars who do Pepsi Cola commercials!"
0:46:50 > 0:46:53HE SNORTS
0:46:53 > 0:46:55Suck Satan's cock!
0:46:55 > 0:46:58Put that big, scaly pecker down your gullet!
0:47:00 > 0:47:04Drink that black worm jism. Drink it!
0:47:04 > 0:47:07Fill your little bellies.
0:47:07 > 0:47:10HE GROANS
0:47:13 > 0:47:15" Send in Vanilla Ice.
0:47:21 > 0:47:23" Hello, Vanilla!
0:47:30 > 0:47:37" It says here on your application, you have no talent.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41" And yet you want to be a star.
0:47:44 > 0:47:48"I think something could be arranged.
0:47:51 > 0:47:54Suck Satan's cock!
0:47:54 > 0:47:58HE GROANS
0:47:59 > 0:48:03I will lower the standards of the Earth.
0:48:03 > 0:48:07I will put 56 channels of American Gladiators in every TV.
0:48:07 > 0:48:11I will put all of the money in the hands of 14-year-old girls.
0:48:11 > 0:48:15They'll think you're charismatic, deep and edgy.
0:48:15 > 0:48:19HE MOANS AND GROANS
0:48:28 > 0:48:32" Send in MC Hammer on your way out."
0:48:38 > 0:48:44" Hello, Hammer. Back again, huh?"
0:48:49 > 0:48:54Well, that Hammer, that was another boat that left me on the island.
0:48:56 > 0:48:58Billy, can you get on the hammer boat with us?!
0:48:58 > 0:49:01No, I'd rather stay here and eat my own flesh!
0:49:01 > 0:49:05HE IMITATES BOAT HORN
0:49:08 > 0:49:10Totally mystified.
0:49:10 > 0:49:14You know, you could sit and explain it to me from now until, well,
0:49:14 > 0:49:17the end of time, and I'll go, "Fucking don't get it, man."
0:49:19 > 0:49:21It's, genital...it's congenital.
0:49:21 > 0:49:23It's genetic!
0:49:24 > 0:49:27Maybe it is genital. Hey, wait a minute.
0:49:27 > 0:49:29Freud, come here!
0:49:33 > 0:49:36Hammer's a great dancer.
0:49:36 > 0:49:40What?! The guy's got a sand crab in his knickers.
0:49:45 > 0:49:47That's not dancing. He's having a fit!
0:49:47 > 0:49:52That's Satan's sperm eating its way through the lining of his stomach.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57HE GROANS
0:49:59 > 0:50:01" 15 minutes. Almost up, Hammer!"
0:50:01 > 0:50:03Urgh. Aarrrgh!
0:50:06 > 0:50:10" Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:50:10 > 0:50:12" Send in Marky Mark."
0:50:16 > 0:50:19And the beat goes... Yeah.
0:50:23 > 0:50:26I don't know. It's good for the voice.
0:50:26 > 0:50:29HE PANTS
0:50:31 > 0:50:33AUDIENCE MEMBER: Call me!
0:50:36 > 0:50:39Hey, don't fuck with me, man!
0:50:42 > 0:50:43You know what I mean, though,
0:50:43 > 0:50:46am I the only one that's fucking lost here?
0:50:48 > 0:50:52You never see positive drugs stories on the news, do you?
0:50:52 > 0:50:56Isn't that weird, since most of the experiences I've had on drugs were real fucking positive!
0:50:56 > 0:51:00Who are these morons they're finding, that's what I want to know?
0:51:00 > 0:51:03I used to want to call the news. Come over to our house!
0:51:06 > 0:51:09Watch Tommy! He's a pig! Film him!
0:51:09 > 0:51:13- HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG - He's been doing that for hours!
0:51:15 > 0:51:18He's killing us! You getting all that?!
0:51:22 > 0:51:23You know what I mean?
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Always that same LSD story, you've all seen it.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29"Young man on acid, thought he could fly, jumped out of a building".
0:51:29 > 0:51:32"What a tragedy!" What a dick. Fuck him!
0:51:32 > 0:51:35He's an idiot! If he thought he could fly,
0:51:35 > 0:51:38why didn't he take off from the ground first?!
0:51:38 > 0:51:40Check it out!
0:51:40 > 0:51:44You don't see ducks line-up to catch elevators to fly south.
0:51:44 > 0:51:48They fly from the ground, you moron, quit ruining it for everybody.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50He's a moron. He's dead. Good.
0:51:50 > 0:51:53We lost a moron. Fucking celebrate!
0:51:53 > 0:51:55Well, I just felt the world get lighter.
0:51:55 > 0:51:58We lost a moron!
0:51:58 > 0:52:01Put on the Hammer album. I'm ready to dance!
0:52:01 > 0:52:04# We lost a moron!
0:52:04 > 0:52:07I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious, but I am,
0:52:07 > 0:52:09so that's the way it comes out.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13Professional help is being sought.
0:52:16 > 0:52:17How about a positive LSD story?
0:52:17 > 0:52:20Wouldn't that be newsworthy, for just once, to base
0:52:20 > 0:52:25your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition?
0:52:25 > 0:52:26And lies.
0:52:26 > 0:52:28Just once.
0:52:29 > 0:52:31I think it would be newsworthy.
0:52:31 > 0:52:34"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is merely
0:52:34 > 0:52:38"energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we
0:52:38 > 0:52:43"are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively".
0:52:43 > 0:52:46"There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream
0:52:46 > 0:52:49"and we are the imagination of ourselves.
0:52:49 > 0:52:52"Here's Tom with the weather".
0:52:59 > 0:53:02You've been fantastic and I hope you enjoyed it.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05There's a point, is there a point to all this?
0:53:05 > 0:53:07Let's find a point.
0:53:10 > 0:53:12Is there a point to my act? I would say there is.
0:53:14 > 0:53:15I have to.
0:53:18 > 0:53:20The world is like a ride at an amusement park
0:53:20 > 0:53:22and when you choose to go on it, you think it's real,
0:53:22 > 0:53:25because that's how powerful our minds are,
0:53:25 > 0:53:28and the ride goes up and down and around and around. It has thrills
0:53:28 > 0:53:30and chills, it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud.
0:53:30 > 0:53:33And it's fun, for a while, some people have been on
0:53:33 > 0:53:36the ride for a long time and begin to question - is this real
0:53:36 > 0:53:38or is this just a ride?
0:53:38 > 0:53:40And other people have remembered, and come back to us,
0:53:40 > 0:53:44and they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever,
0:53:44 > 0:53:46" because this is just a ride."
0:53:46 > 0:53:49And we kill those people.
0:53:50 > 0:53:52" Shut him up."
0:53:53 > 0:53:55" We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up!"
0:53:55 > 0:53:58Look at my furrows of worry.
0:53:58 > 0:54:01Look at my big bank account and my family.
0:54:01 > 0:54:02This has to be real.
0:54:03 > 0:54:05It's just a ride.
0:54:05 > 0:54:08But we always kill those good guys that try and tell us that.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11You ever notice that? And let the demons run amok.
0:54:11 > 0:54:16But it doesn't matter, because, it's just a ride.
0:54:16 > 0:54:18And we can change it any time we want.
0:54:18 > 0:54:20It's only a choice.
0:54:20 > 0:54:23No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money, a choice,
0:54:23 > 0:54:27right now, between fear and love.
0:54:27 > 0:54:30The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door,
0:54:30 > 0:54:32buy guns, close yourself off,
0:54:32 > 0:54:35the eyes of love, instead see all of us as one.
0:54:35 > 0:54:38Here's what we can do to change the world right now,
0:54:38 > 0:54:41to a better ride, take all that money we spent on weapons
0:54:41 > 0:54:44and defence each year and instead spend it feeding, clothing,
0:54:44 > 0:54:47educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over,
0:54:47 > 0:54:51not one human being excluded and we can explore space.
0:54:51 > 0:54:55Together. Both inner and outer.
0:54:55 > 0:54:59Forever. In peace. Thank you very much.
0:54:59 > 0:55:00You've been great. I hope you enjoyed it.
0:55:00 > 0:55:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:01 > 0:55:06London! You were fantastic! Thank you! Thank you very much!
0:55:06 > 0:55:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:39 > 0:55:40GUNSHOT
0:56:01 > 0:56:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:56:04 > 0:56:07E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk