0:00:00 > 0:00:03This programme contains some strong language
0:00:03 > 0:00:06and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching 2011 Wipe
0:00:25 > 0:00:28about the least eventful year in human history
0:00:28 > 0:00:33in which so little happened, it's embarrassing trying to drum up interest.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37This year, Kim Jong-il died, too late to be featured in this show,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41Jeremy Clarkson made a serious call for cold-blooded murder.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Frankly, I'd have them all shot.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46That wasn't the only TV controversy.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The winner is The Only Way Is Essex.
0:00:49 > 0:00:55The glamorous BAFTAs tail-spun into absurdity when The Only Way Is Essex won an Audience Award,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00defining the moment humankind lost any right to claim it was more sophisticated than lichen.
0:01:00 > 0:01:06TOWIE, as people insist on calling it, is a reality soap about a town full of vinyl sex dolls
0:01:06 > 0:01:13and is the first BAFTA-winning show to feature a sequence in which its cast try to light their own farts.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18It's been such a hit, it's been joined by similar fodder like E4's terrifying Made In Chelsea,
0:01:18 > 0:01:23which is more a glossy commercial for depersonalisation disorder.
0:01:23 > 0:01:28I watched it online and it was interrupted by a bizarre advert with the Dolmio puppets.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I realised that the Dolmio puppets' world was more realistic
0:01:31 > 0:01:33than Made In Chelsea.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39The year started well for Britain with the triumph of nostalgic tongue-twister, The King's Speech,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42which starred Colin Firth as Mr George King
0:01:42 > 0:01:45whose mouth wouldn't do what it was told
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and Helena Bonham Carter as the Empire's first quilf.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51The bulk of the film is a sort of Rocky for stammerers
0:01:51 > 0:01:57as George King overcomes several hurdles and learns to smile and speak like a human being,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00instead of an excruciatingly buffering podcast.
0:02:00 > 0:02:05It all builds to a finale in which Timothy Spall playing Baron Greenback, the royals
0:02:05 > 0:02:09and a shitload of plebs gather to hear Mr George King deliver a speech
0:02:09 > 0:02:14during which he can't drop below 60 words per minute or the bomb on the bus will explode.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I nodded off in the middle section.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21Since it was the speech he gave announcing the advent of World War Two,
0:02:21 > 0:02:27it's like a feel-good movie about a doctor who overcomes his fear of X-rays to diagnose your death.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32Come on, King, tell them about the advent of World War Two. Announce their doom. Come on!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35With God's help...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38..we shall...
0:02:39 > 0:02:40..prevail.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Yes, he did it! He announced the advent of World War Two during which 450,000 Britons died
0:02:45 > 0:02:50and millions were butchered worldwide. Hooray for George King! Yeah!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53In summary, a good film. You know, a bit t-talky.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Meanwhile, in foreign lands, Tunisia was getting a bit fighty.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Way back in 2010, the average Briton only knew two things about Tunisia.
0:03:01 > 0:03:07One, it was where they filmed Star Wars and two, that was all we knew about Tunisia.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13As you could see from the footage, Tunisia seemed like a great holiday destination. Look at it.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17It's got a lovely beach, idyllic sunset, a massive bloody fire.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Tunisia's sun spot status quickly changed when thousands took to the streets
0:03:22 > 0:03:26after a desperate young vegetable seller set himself on fire,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30an act of "to-martyrdom" that sent shock waves across the Arab world.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, which sounds like a can of springs bouncing down stairs, was toppled,
0:03:36 > 0:03:41the first in a cut-out-and-keep series of badly dyed despots who got the heave-ho.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44The Arab Spring posed a quandary.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49For years, the news had shown us footage of furious Arabs chanting "Death to the West".
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Now the furious Arabs were the good guys.
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Prior to this year, there was little reporting of who the Arab leaders were.
0:03:56 > 0:04:02Suddenly, they were everywhere, being hit in the face with shoes, sometimes a whole shoe factory,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05as in this alarming Sky News moment.
0:04:05 > 0:04:11Soon, the despot-toppling craze was sweeping through the Arab world like the norovirus on a cruise ship
0:04:11 > 0:04:16and next up was Egypt, run by Hosni Mubarak, played here by the Count from Sesame Street.
0:04:16 > 0:04:22Mubarak was a bit of a tyrant whose zany resistance-crushing affectations were tolerated
0:04:22 > 0:04:29because he brought "stability" to the region. As February arrived, we could see how stable he made things.
0:04:29 > 0:04:34In a normal year, a revolution in Egypt would be the biggest story, but 2011 wasn't normal,
0:04:34 > 0:04:38more like an end-of-season finale for all of mankind.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42As Mubarak left the stage, Colonel Gaddafi began feeling the heat.
0:04:42 > 0:04:48To millions, Gaddafi was a cartoon character from the '80s, like Garfield, slightly less plausible.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52The West regarded him as a bad guy due to his links to very bad events.
0:04:52 > 0:04:57Like many '80s icons, a few decades later, Gaddafi reinvented himself for a new audience
0:04:57 > 0:05:02with an ironic nice guy act which earned him this roadside snog from Tony Blair,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05but millions of Libyans didn't find him so sexy.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Emboldened by what had happened in Tunisia and Egypt, they rose up...
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Cue a brutal crackdown which led to these tragic scenes.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16When rumours spread that Gaddafi had fled to Venezuela,
0:05:16 > 0:05:21he appeared on TV to deny it in a Vic and Bob style sketch, captured for posterity
0:05:21 > 0:05:23by Sky News.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Rest assured... Oh, it's raining.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I was going to talk with the youth in Green Square tonight,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31but it's raining and that's a good omen,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35so I just want to show them I am in Tripoli and not in Venezuela.
0:05:35 > 0:05:40Don't believe the broadcasts of those stray dogs. Bye!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41Yeah, bye, you mad prick!
0:05:41 > 0:05:48Gaddafi's charm offensive continued with a dinner date with journalists including the BBC's Jeremy Bowen.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53If I had to interview a possibly insane, murderous despot, I'd be nervous,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55but Jeremy is such a pro,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57he can launch into small talk.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59This is a very nice spot. Excellent.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03This date's going well. I wonder if they'll get to third base?
0:06:03 > 0:06:09Bowen opened with a hard question which Gaddafi answered expertly and cogently.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Mr Gaddafi, thanks for seeing us.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15It's nearly seven o'clock in the evening here in Tripoli
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and you're in your capital city,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21but there are large areas of this country which you no longer control.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24There are even people in towns quite near here
0:06:24 > 0:06:27who are part of this rising, this rebellion.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30What will you do about all of that?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32HE CHUCKLES
0:06:35 > 0:06:38What is the question?
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Another megalomaniac who was making waves was Charlie Sheen
0:06:42 > 0:06:46who in the war on drugs was the official spokesman for drugs.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Having gone through a public drug-fuelled meltdown, Sheen confounded the US media
0:06:51 > 0:06:55by refusing to respond in an apologetic manner
0:06:55 > 0:06:58when interviewed by a reporter with a stick up her arse.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02If you look at when you used drugs, are you disgusted with yourself?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05No, I'm proud of what I created. It was radical.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07You're proud of that party moment?
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- Why wouldn't I be?- Why would you be?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Hit him till he says he hates drugs!
0:07:12 > 0:07:18All these radio rants have people thinking, "Charlie Sheen has got to be on drugs."
0:07:18 > 0:07:23Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Charlie Sheen describing a drug called Charlie Sheen.
0:07:26 > 0:07:32I don't know how you'd take Charlie Sheen, although I suspect vaginally or anally or orally. In that order.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37March is rarely a pretty month and this one was uglier than usual.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41In Japan, cameras caught footage of a natural disaster so ghastly,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44it was hard for us to comprehend.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47This was followed by a crisis at the Fukushima nuclear plant.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53This was terrifying because the news had to try and explain how a nuclear reactor worked,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57so hysterical Fox News Pollyanna Glenn Beck proved his expertise
0:07:57 > 0:08:01by simulating nuclear fusion with tubes of M&M's and some saucepans.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05The core is in this facility, containment facility.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09I'm going to have to take these M&M's out. Darn it!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Well done, butter fingers! You've killed millions!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was great.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18It was like an Attenborough thing with gypsies instead of polar bears.
0:08:18 > 0:08:24- Come to me, woman!- It let you look at a group of people you never get to see and judge 'em,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28but also laugh at 'em, so we had two things - judging and laughing.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It looked like Star Trek, but with sort of Irish people.
0:08:32 > 0:08:38Like Irish Star Trek. It gave you a deep cultural insight into what thighs and arses look like
0:08:38 > 0:08:41but ones from a forbidden world.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44It had all these garish outfits you could look down on
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and these dodgy cultural practices.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50It's not long before the grabbing begins.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54People said it was racist. It wasn't because none of 'em were black.
0:08:54 > 0:09:00Even if they had been, it wouldn't b racist. You weren't laughing at thei skin, but everything else about them
0:09:00 > 0:09:06In London, a demonstration opposing government cuts began with a speech from Ed Miliband.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10This government will say this is a march of the minority.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13They are so wrong.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17But barnstorming Ed was overshadowed at least in terms of news coverage
0:09:17 > 0:09:19when trouble reared its head.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22The "black bloc" of anarchists dressed head to toe
0:09:22 > 0:09:26in a face-obscuring leisurewear burka attacked anything shop-shaped.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29They kicked a bank in the bollocks.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32A Sky News cameraman got carried away and seemed to join in
0:09:32 > 0:09:36to be rewarded with footage of an anarchist fearlessly breaking in
0:09:36 > 0:09:39and attacking some leaflets.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43UK Uncut carried out a genteel protest in Fortnum & Mason's,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45only to find themselves kettled in
0:09:45 > 0:09:48by cops in scenes which resembled the game Tetris.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53There was anger around the cuts, reflected in the House of Commons.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58There were tense exchanges between Lord David Camera Bum and Edwardian Miliband that we can't show.
0:09:58 > 0:10:04We're not allowed to use footage from the House of Commons or the Select Committee or Leveson Inquiry.
0:10:04 > 0:10:11We can't show you Prime Minister's Questions or Murdoch getting hit with a pie or Hugh Grant.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13We're seen as an entertainment show,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16unlike This Week which can use the footage
0:10:16 > 0:10:20as it's a proper current affairs show. Look, proper current affairs!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22MUSIC: "Born Slippy" - Underworld
0:10:22 > 0:10:28Fortunately, however, we can bring you a theatrical reconstruction, so we have.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32For the purposes of this show, several stars from Made In Chelsea
0:10:32 > 0:10:37have staged a performance of parliamentary proceedings in the Hen & Chickens Theatre, Islington.
0:10:37 > 0:10:43Here, Chelsea's Ollie Locke relives the controversial moment David Cameron said, "Calm down, dear."
0:10:43 > 0:10:47He's no longer an MP because he lost the election.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50I'm afraid he is now a GP. MUTTERING
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Calm down, dear. Listen to the doctor.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55See, brilliant! Take that, the law!
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Wildlife and viewers of Britain's premier controversy hothouse,
0:10:59 > 0:11:04The One Show, tuned in to see a peculiar creature staring at an owl.
0:11:04 > 0:11:10I think he'll eat it. Prime Minibot David Replicant sat there as a man tried to sell him a bird of prey.
0:11:10 > 0:11:16This is the complete predator. If you look at the feathers, they're totally soft along the edge,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20so she flies completely silently. The prey never hears her coming.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24I've heard an owl coming. It went, "Twit-twoo-oo-oo!"
0:11:24 > 0:11:29- Four mice a day. This could be competition. - How many mice do you eat? Five?
0:11:29 > 0:11:36Having failed to buy or eat the owl and having seen footage of it eating a mouse without licking his lips,
0:11:36 > 0:11:42the PM-a-tron was now free to leave, but not before Matt Baker kerplunked him with an awkward question.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45How on earth do you sleep at night?
0:11:45 > 0:11:51- Um...- Cameron must have thought, "Who the hell does this Countryfile presenter think he is?"
0:11:51 > 0:11:56April and what could be better to take the nation's mind off the background stench of doom
0:11:56 > 0:11:58than a feel-good royal wedding?
0:11:58 > 0:12:03The BBC showed an advert proving it would be watched by stars and plebs.
0:12:03 > 0:12:10They milked the build-up, conducting a series of hard-hitting interviews with royal experts like this.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- Young Matilda here... Hello, are you excited about this?- Yes, I am.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Yes?- Yes.- And do you think Kate will be a nice princess?- Yes.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Yes?- Yes.- She's very pretty, isn't she?- Yes, she is.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Well done, you. Have a lovely day.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30Come the day, there was wall-to-wall coverage as Kate got into a car which drove down a road and stopped,
0:12:30 > 0:12:35then she got out, revealing her dress, which made some crowd members almost spew with joy!
0:12:35 > 0:12:41I was glued to my screen because I was playing Portal 2, one of the best video games ever.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Why waste my afternoon watching Ben Fogle get married when I could clamber through teleportation holes?
0:12:46 > 0:12:51Everyone else seemed to be watching a global Rear of the Year contest
0:12:51 > 0:12:55as Kate's sister Pippa stole the show by owning buttocks.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You'd have thought she stuck her bum in the font!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02The US networks were even more butt-happy with report after report.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05There were sinister features in which viewers were told
0:13:05 > 0:13:08how to get a booty like Pippa's using surgery.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13If you asked women, "Would you like a sexier, curvaceous buttock,"
0:13:13 > 0:13:16there would almost be an overwhelming "yes".
0:13:16 > 0:13:22One American who wasn't massively impressed with the royal wedding was comedian Doug Stanhope
0:13:22 > 0:13:26who joins us now for some whining in an accent.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28MUSIC: "Hail To The Chief"
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37There was a big royal wedding that happened over here.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43I didn't hear about it because I was in the Antarctic somewhere with my head in a bucket of tar,
0:13:43 > 0:13:48like a David Blaine trick, for six months, so I didn't have to hear about it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53It irks me that I spent eight years coming over here under the George Bush regime
0:13:53 > 0:13:58with my head hung in shame saying, "It's not my fault, it's not my fault,"
0:13:58 > 0:14:03the whole time not realising you guys still have royalty. How embarrassing is that?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07You have queens and dukes and princesses.
0:14:07 > 0:14:11Do you have wizards and fairies and dragons?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15For God's sake, is this a country or a Renaissance festival?
0:14:15 > 0:14:20What kind of Dungeons and Dragons bullshit is that? I'm apologising for George...?
0:14:20 > 0:14:24How dare you ever make fun of any democratically elected official
0:14:24 > 0:14:28when you still have this Dark Ages nonsense going on?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31There was this thing called super-injunctions
0:14:31 > 0:14:36which meant you weren't allowed to say things which everybody knew about Ryan Giggs,
0:14:36 > 0:14:40except you were allowed to type about them on the internet.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44The police can't find you because the internet doesn't have a postcode
0:14:44 > 0:14:50Andrew Marr had a super-injunction. I felt sorry for him because every week at the start of his show,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53he had to drive to work in that toy car to make him look stupid
0:14:53 > 0:15:00get the papers himself and go into the office knowing all the staff wer talking about his super-injunction
0:15:00 > 0:15:06and stand in the lift with his ears burning. That's the price you pay for going on telly.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11Once someone's on telly, you have the right to know who they're sleeping with
0:15:11 > 0:15:16or what's on their phone or what their secret fears are or what hand they wipe their arse with
0:15:16 > 0:15:22or what it would look like if you pulled their pants down and stared right up their arsehole
0:15:22 > 0:15:24because it's in the public interest.
0:15:24 > 0:15:30If you're wondering what an anonymous tabloid hack might make of the super-injunction saga,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34here's anonymous tabloid hack Fleet Street Fox with her personal view.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37It was very frustrating as a journalist
0:15:37 > 0:15:41to know that everyone on Twitter was talking about the things
0:15:41 > 0:15:43that we weren't allowed to report.
0:15:43 > 0:15:49Quite a few of them were in the public interest, but if I mentioned it, I could lose my job or my home,
0:15:49 > 0:15:54whereas the average man in the stree can repeat the gossip he's heard in the pub.
0:15:54 > 0:16:0175,000-odd people broke the Giggs injunction on Twitter and not one ha any court action taken against them.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04The media couldn't cover it. That was why it was a farce.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10We couldn't even report the fact that people were breaching an injunction. It was ridiculous.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14The injunctions were brought under Article 8 of the Human Rights Act
0:16:14 > 0:16:18which says everybody has a right to respect for privacy in family life.
0:16:18 > 0:16:24It doesn't say you have a right to a secret life and the two are very, very different.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Marriage is a public thing and a public record.
0:16:27 > 0:16:32If you're making money out of your marriage or out of being in a happy relationship
0:16:32 > 0:16:38or misleading the public in some way, perhaps you ought to be honest about the fact that it's not working
0:16:38 > 0:16:43If you don't respect your privacy and your family life by sleeping with hookers,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45I'm not going to respect you either.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Hooray, it's May and after battling to victory
0:16:48 > 0:16:52in a thrilling edition of WWE Extreme Rules Wrestling,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55beefy John Cena makes a shock announcement.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00We have caught and compromised to a permanent end
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Osama Bin Laden.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Once the crowd had slowly unlocked the meaning of those words,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12an inspiring scene transpired as John prowled the cheering arena,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15everyone bathed in the reflected glory of a criminal
0:17:15 > 0:17:19thousands of miles away being shot by soldiers they didn't know
0:17:19 > 0:17:23in a manner that is in no way disturbing or homo-erotic.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Let's not judge. That may look like an outpouring of joy, but it's actually just relief.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Fox News anchor Geraldo Rivera was so relieved when he heard the news,
0:17:35 > 0:17:39he livened up his broadcast by spontaneously spouting lyrics.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Bin Laden is dead, Bin Laden is dead
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Shot in the chest, then in the head.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49Multiple sources, Osama Bin Laden is dead. Happy days!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Yay!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55This is the greatest night of my career. The bum is dead!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59They shot four other people too. One of them was a woman. Hooray!
0:17:59 > 0:18:05I'm so blessed, I'm so privileged to be at this desk at this moment.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Yay! Have a pint of blood on me. Cheers!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11It's just relief he's expressing, not joy.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Jubilant scenes spread across all the news networks as crowds gathered
0:18:15 > 0:18:20in not a ghoulish way to celebrate the death of the bearded murderer. More relief, not joy.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Within months, Osama's take-down had been turned into a docu-drama
0:18:24 > 0:18:28full of interviews with the people responsible. It's nice to know
0:18:28 > 0:18:34that in battling a monster, the Americans didn't become monsters themselves which is often the case.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39A monster revels in death, but they were expressing relief, not joy.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42One image that comes out of this is the fact
0:18:42 > 0:18:45that Bin Laden's final sight on this Earth
0:18:45 > 0:18:48was the muzzle of a US Navy SEAL.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52For those of us who have been lookin for Bin Laden for a long time,
0:18:52 > 0:18:58to know that that was the last thing that he saw is actually a moment of joy.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Ed Miliband is brilliant, right?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03He's like a boy who's won a competition to lead a party,
0:19:03 > 0:19:08but he always looks worried like someone is going to throw his satchel on the roof.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Then in June, Ed Miliband broke.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13He was being interviewed on the news about strikes.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18They asked him what he thinks about the strikes and he says...
0:19:18 > 0:19:22These strikes are wrong when negotiations are still going on.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Then they ask him another question.
0:19:24 > 0:19:29When negotiations are still going on, these strikes are wrong.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- Then he says it again, right? - The strikes are wrong when negotiations are still going on.
0:19:34 > 0:19:40- He keeps saying it.- These strikes are wrong because negotiations are still going on.- I'm going mental.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Stop him saying it. It's like you're stuck in a box with him saying...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48It's wrong at a time when negotiations are still going on.
0:19:48 > 0:19:54After a while, they give up. Someone must have reset his Wi-Fi as he was all right the next day.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59Then he was back to walking around looking sexy because he is really sexy, he's a powerhouse.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I bet he goes at it like a jackhammer. Cor!
0:20:03 > 0:20:09We were entertained by thousands of brilliant TV commercials, none of which we'll look at now.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12We start with a terrifying horror film set in a world
0:20:12 > 0:20:15in which the human brain no longer exists.
0:20:22 > 0:20:28Isn't this the sort of thing the losing team make in The Apprentice during Advert Week?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36The one crumb of comfort you can draw from this commercial
0:20:36 > 0:20:42is the knowledge that everyone involved in making it or merely watching it will one day die.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51Teeth. In a sinister development for dental care, a bastard bothers shoppers with a probe.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Is your toothpaste working? - Of course.- Time for a quick check.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Bacteria? But I brushed this morning
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Don't lie, you bitch! The probe knows everything.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04- The next day, she obeyed the regime's orders.- See?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Wow! Where's all that bacteria? I'm impressed.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Now pull your pants down for stage two of the inspection.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Coffee! These absurd ads try to seduce women by shoving fantasy men
0:21:15 > 0:21:17before them like man carrots.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19How do you like your coffee?
0:21:19 > 0:21:25- How about smooth, sensual and with these?- Not really. Mauve doesn't do anything for my legs.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I'm going to move my stuff out of the bedroom,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31so there's more room for your enormous handbags.
0:21:31 > 0:21:36- Don't talk about my testicles like that!- How do you like your coffee?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Er... Black?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42How about smooth, aromatic
0:21:42 > 0:21:44and with a long conversation?
0:21:44 > 0:21:48- No, just black. - How do you like YOUR coffee?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Tossed in your- BLEEP- face? - How about smooth, aromatic...
0:21:52 > 0:21:56- and in Paris? - No, I prefer it in mugs.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01As July arrived, the phone-hacking saga suddenly became a horror story.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06The story had gained momentum, but no-one cared if the tabloids were hacking celebrities' phones.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10They're not real, probably a form of animated pate!
0:22:10 > 0:22:16- If they got stories by waterboarding soap stars, no-one would mind.- Are you pregnant? Are you up the duff?
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- Got a bun in the oven? - But on July 4th, the story broke which changed everything.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25More revelations in the News Of The World hacking scandal.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28It's accused of intercepting Milly Dowler's phone.
0:22:28 > 0:22:33Never again could the paper be seen as a bit of crinkly bog roll that was cruel to celebs.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Now it was cruel to real people.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39The story got worse. The shocking, grim headlines kept coming.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44It was as if the paper was in a game of onedownmanship with itself.
0:22:44 > 0:22:50With so many victims of tragedy, I'm surprised the cast of The Poseidon Adventure weren't on the list.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Later, The Guardian admitted
0:22:52 > 0:22:55The Screws probably hadn't deleted Milly's voicemails,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59but they had accessed them and people weren't impressed.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Being a tabloid reporter is not the most noble profession,
0:23:03 > 0:23:07but now it was on a par with necrophiliac porn wrangler
0:23:07 > 0:23:10and it didn't help that the only person defending the red tops
0:23:10 > 0:23:14was former Screws hack and ethical vacuum, Paul McMullan.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18I've always said I've just tried to write articles in a truthful way
0:23:18 > 0:23:21and what better source of getting the truth
0:23:21 > 0:23:23is to listen to someone's messages?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- That might sound frivolous, but... - It's also immoral?
0:23:27 > 0:23:32You're a walking PR disaster for the tabloids as you don't come across in a sympathetic way.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35You come across as a risible individual.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37That is amazing of Steve Coogan -
0:23:37 > 0:23:42to be able to play Alan Partridge and Paul McMullan in the same room at the same time!
0:23:42 > 0:23:48We'll no longer be able to expose celebrities for taking coke and cheating on their wives
0:23:48 > 0:23:52which, to be honest, I always found a bit of fun.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Everyone had a go - Liverpudlians...
0:23:54 > 0:23:59You had to ask me who I was. You didn't even know what I'd done.
0:23:59 > 0:24:05- Former colleagues...- People have been thrown out of work because of things people like you have done
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and besmirched the name of a good paper.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Hugh Grant. - Your only motive was profit.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14You have no interest in journalism. It's money, money, money.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18You should try real journalism. You could probably do it.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22He had to eat more shit than David Walliams swimming up the Thames.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27You could watch him getting shabbier and shabbier, limping from studio
0:24:27 > 0:24:29to studio like he was trying to keep warm
0:24:29 > 0:24:32until viewers texted in, trying to vote him off.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36BEEPING Sorry, my phone's beeping. I'll just turn that off.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I'd leave him a voicemail, but I don't know if he'd listen to it.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45It's fine sniggering at tabloid hacks, but what about their editors?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Imagine being a tabloid editor! It's like working down a shit mine.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Imagine going to work every day and actively making the world worse!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"What did you do today, darling?"
0:24:55 > 0:25:01"I ran a story about a Muslim council banning the word 'chalk' because it sounds like 'pork'."
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"Really? Is that true?" "Nah."
0:25:03 > 0:25:08Attention focused on the editors who did or didn't know what was going on.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Andy Coulson had claimed total ignorance and resigned twice.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Now pressure was mounting on News International CEO Rebekah Brooks
0:25:16 > 0:25:22who had kept the News Of The Screws going, spending years expertly stopping the monitors wobbling.
0:25:22 > 0:25:28An unimpressed public organised boycotts, trying to bring down the empire with their keyboards.
0:25:28 > 0:25:34At the end of the week, the Death Star exploded. Cue excitable headlines from around the globe!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Sunday's News Of The World will be the last edition of the paper.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41This is massive news. I don't think anyone could have predicted
0:25:41 > 0:25:44that it would end like this.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50We do know tonight that after 168 years, the World is ending
0:25:50 > 0:25:55I bought the final News Of The World. In the newsagent's, no-one would look anyone else in the eye.
0:25:55 > 0:26:01It was like we had found a corpse of a bear in the woods and we were queuing up to have sex with it.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The thing itself is a curious artefact.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08It had a strangely muted final front page - "thank you & goodbye".
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Normally when a despised monster is killed, it just lets out a howl like, "Aaargh!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16That should have been what was on the front page.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20It's the strangest edition of the News Of The World ever.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24First of all, they've got this final editorial saying goodbye.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29That must have been tricky, concentrating on the paper's good points,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32a bit like writing the eulogy at Fred West's funeral.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35What do you say? "He was good with his hands, virile"?
0:26:35 > 0:26:42There was the usual mix of, "Here's the good things we did. Look, here's a bum we showed you."
0:26:42 > 0:26:48And these little farewell messages from readers scattered around like little tragic croutons.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53"Britain will never be the same again," says Les from Manchester. Yes, it will.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Then in the middle they've got this special souvenir pull-out,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01a souvenir pull-out of all their greatest front pages.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Kerry Katona doing coke. Proud of that.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Someone hid a camera in Kerry Katona's bathroom.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11If I hid a camera in a woman's bathroom, I'd expect to go to prison.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Luckily, I hide them so well, no-one will find them.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18"Jacko's deathbed." Now, that's tasteful, isn't it?
0:27:18 > 0:27:24"This is the sensational first picture of the bed where Michael Jackson took his last breath."
0:27:24 > 0:27:30That's nice, isn't it? And you look at all of this, all these sort of gaudy front pages
0:27:30 > 0:27:34and you just go, "Yeah, I'm glad it died."
0:27:34 > 0:27:38But deleting The Screws from history did not help stem the crisis.
0:27:38 > 0:27:44Before long, Brooks had to resign, seen leaving the building disguised as an unhappy Charles II.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Attention was also on her boss, media tycoon Rupert Murdoch,
0:27:47 > 0:27:52seen here in the least convincing match.com poster campaign ever.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55For years, it was as though Rupert Murdoch represented God
0:27:55 > 0:28:01and all our public figures were medieval villagers terrified of speaking ill of him.
0:28:01 > 0:28:07You must never anger God. God can hear everything you say, especially if you say it in a voicemail.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10God has the power to destroy you, for he controls The Sun
0:28:10 > 0:28:15and soon he will control the entire Sky, and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:21Suddenly, after the phone-hacking revelations, it was like a jamming signal had been switched off
0:28:21 > 0:28:25and everyone could talk openly about him for the first time ever.
0:28:25 > 0:28:31This media oligarch was losing his touch and soon he had to appear before the Select Committee
0:28:31 > 0:28:33with his sidekick James-Bot 2.0.
0:28:33 > 0:28:39In accordance with regulations, Made In Chelsea's Oliver Proudlock plays Rupert Murdoch
0:28:39 > 0:28:42while Jamie Laing plays his robot offspring James.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Louise Mensch is performed by Cesca Hull.
0:28:44 > 0:28:51The Select Committee was like a bush tucker trial for Murdoch. He began by swallowing his own dignity.
0:28:51 > 0:28:57Before you get to that, I would just like to say one sentence. This is the most humble day of my life.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00And for seconds, a slice of unexpected foam pie.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03Oh, no!
0:29:03 > 0:29:10What exactly is a Rupert Murdoch? Here's a short film from Adam Curtis explaining what he thinks.
0:29:11 > 0:29:16This is the story of how Rupert Murdoch took over the old newspapers of Fleet Street
0:29:16 > 0:29:23and used them to wage a cultural revolution against the snobbish elites that dominated Britain.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26But there was a weird logic to Murdoch's revolution
0:29:26 > 0:29:31that would lead him to intrude ever more deeply into people's private lives
0:29:31 > 0:29:35and would eventually bring his empire to the brink of destruction.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37And it talks on the phone?
0:29:39 > 0:29:41The world's top talking parrot...
0:29:41 > 0:29:46Murdoch's populist revolution failed to change Britain's power structure,
0:29:46 > 0:29:51yet his failure would open the way for the rise of a new elite
0:29:51 > 0:29:57who are far more invasive into all our private lives than Murdoch's papers ever were.
0:29:58 > 0:30:03Well, we'll send one of our best parrot photographers. How's that?
0:30:03 > 0:30:08Rupert Murdoch shocked the British establishment right from the start.
0:30:08 > 0:30:15In 1969 he bought the News of the World and published the diaries of call girl Christine Keeler.
0:30:15 > 0:30:20They unearthed an old sex scandal about a Conservative politician called John Profumo
0:30:20 > 0:30:24and the British establishment were scandalised.
0:30:24 > 0:30:30Christine Keeler, the girl who sparked off a drama of government scandal, intrigue and even death.
0:30:30 > 0:30:37On Sunday, Christine opens her secret diary and tells the first full story in the News of the World.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42I was young and naive then, but now I've had time to think.
0:30:42 > 0:30:46This is the first time the public are able to read the real truth.
0:30:46 > 0:30:52Do you have any qualms about that as muckraking and going over an old scandal that should be buried now?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55No, no, certainly not. It shouldn't be dead and buried.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59The vicious reaction of the British upper classes shocked Murdoch
0:30:59 > 0:31:04and in the 1970s he fled with his young family to the United States.
0:31:04 > 0:31:11And he used the money pouring in from his British newspapers to start building an American empire.
0:31:11 > 0:31:16His personal myth began to take shape - that he was a revolutionary outsider,
0:31:16 > 0:31:22challenging the decadent British system. In 1976, he said in an interview,
0:31:22 > 0:31:26"In Britain it's very easy to get sucked into the establishment.
0:31:26 > 0:31:33"I think when people start taking knighthoods and peerages, it's telling the world you've sold out.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37"I just wasn't prepared to join the system."
0:31:37 > 0:31:41And in 1981 Murdoch came back and took his revenge.
0:31:41 > 0:31:47He bought The Times and made it clear that he was now challenging the hypocritical elites
0:31:47 > 0:31:50wherever they were in Britain or America.
0:31:52 > 0:31:58They hate someone communicating with the masses. They feel that the written word is not for the masses.
0:31:58 > 0:32:03That should be left to television, or nobody. There's great elitism.
0:32:03 > 0:32:07It was a typical piece of slanting or elitism by the BBC
0:32:07 > 0:32:13I don't know what you mean by downmarket or upmarket. That is so English, class-ridden snobbery.
0:32:13 > 0:32:19Over the next 30 years, Murdoch's newspapers promoted a populist idea of democracy.
0:32:19 > 0:32:25This challenged the idea that anyone could set themselves up in Britain as a superior elite
0:32:25 > 0:32:31and tell people what was best. But there was a ferocious logic to this idea of democracy.
0:32:31 > 0:32:36Because if everyone was equal, then no one was special.
0:32:36 > 0:32:42And that had big implications for the celebrities who had become central to Murdoch's newspapers.
0:32:42 > 0:32:47If they were more famous than us, it meant they were different from us.
0:32:47 > 0:32:52And the Murdoch vision didn't like the idea of anyone being different.
0:32:52 > 0:32:56So celebrities had to be transformed so they would become more like us -
0:32:56 > 0:33:01flawed and unhappy, drinking too much and eating too little,
0:33:01 > 0:33:05struggling with emotional problems and with cellulite.
0:33:05 > 0:33:09But most celebrities didn't want to be seen like that
0:33:09 > 0:33:17so Murdoch's journalists had to resort to increasingly devious methods to give us what we craved -
0:33:17 > 0:33:22the private weaknesses and failings of the famous.
0:33:22 > 0:33:28Today, Murdoch may be on the way out, but we all still distrust elites
0:33:28 > 0:33:34and there is a new empire that offers the same dream of a world without hierarchies
0:33:34 > 0:33:39where we are in control. Google - with its promise of information
0:33:39 > 0:33:45flowing free of all political control and where everyone talks to each other as equals.
0:33:45 > 0:33:51But the price we pay for this is that Google's machines watch us all the time
0:33:51 > 0:33:54and know everything about us.
0:33:54 > 0:33:59And they don't even have to pay for private detectives or for phone taps.
0:33:59 > 0:34:05And the strange thing is we don't seem to be bothered about this at all.
0:34:10 > 0:34:17Food! And the spiritual world's answer to Lady Gaga drops in to illuminate Australian MasterChef.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I'm at my bench mincing garlic...
0:34:20 > 0:34:23We're going to meet the seven contestants.
0:34:23 > 0:34:29..when I look up and His Holiness The Dalai Lama himself
0:34:29 > 0:34:31has come into our kitchen.
0:34:31 > 0:34:37Serenity doesn't get tougher than this. His sort-of-Christliness was on hand to spread vibes
0:34:37 > 0:34:43- and to ask and answer the big questions.- What is this?- Cheese.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Yes, you like cheese, don't you?- Yes.
0:34:46 > 0:34:53But there was more to his trip than cheese-liking. He was here to judge so he sat for the Last Supper
0:34:53 > 0:34:59and, lo, when the nervous contestants shuffled in, lobbing plates in front of His Superness,
0:34:59 > 0:35:03one woman was afeared, for her creation was not up to par.
0:35:03 > 0:35:07Your Holiness, today I had a bit of a disaster in the kitchen.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10It's not what I wanted on the plate.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Go from this place!
0:35:12 > 0:35:16I wanted to share it with you today, but I didn't get it on the plate.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Sorry.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21Thank you.
0:35:23 > 0:35:29She's in there! Hand-rubbing aside, MasterChef wouldn't be MasterChef without a tense judging scene
0:35:29 > 0:35:37- and this was no exception. - Well, she's obviously during plating up got some gnocchi up.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41But mine's actually quite raw and doughy.
0:35:41 > 0:35:48- She tried her best. - You haven't really got the hang of this judging thing, have you?
0:35:48 > 0:35:54August is traditionally a quiet month in terms of events, but 2011 had other plans.
0:35:54 > 0:36:00After the shooting of Mark Duggan by police, feelings were running high in Tottenham.
0:36:00 > 0:36:06After a protest demonstration turned violent, TV quickly filled with scenes of wanton destruction
0:36:06 > 0:36:09and furious crowds, like the start of a zombie film.
0:36:09 > 0:36:14At other times it resembled a bonus stage from Streetfighter 2.
0:36:14 > 0:36:18Nothing was safe, including the camera crews.
0:36:18 > 0:36:24There are no riot police officers around. They are down the road dealing with...
0:36:24 > 0:36:28..with... Somebody just attacked our camera.
0:36:28 > 0:36:34Soon TV screens were full of depressing images of burnt-out buildings and a dead bus.
0:36:34 > 0:36:39But it was far from over. Trouble then broke out in other areas
0:36:39 > 0:36:43and there came more and more footage of looting.
0:36:43 > 0:36:48Violence and hysteria seemed to be spreading in an almost viral manner,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52At times it looked more like a zombie film than most zombie films.
0:36:52 > 0:36:56The apocalyptic feel carried through in endless helicopter coverage,
0:36:56 > 0:37:01resembling the most depressing Command and Conquer level ever.
0:37:01 > 0:37:07Even from this vulture's perspective, the brazen lack of respect for police was startling.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10It wasn't just violent, it was cheeky.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15That led to one of the most bizarre identity parades in history.
0:37:15 > 0:37:19Just take your time. Anything look familiar?
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Maybe number three?
0:37:22 > 0:37:26- Number three?- Yeah.
0:37:26 > 0:37:31As time wore on, the trouble spread as if some sort of lawlessness gas had been released.
0:37:31 > 0:37:35Disturbing footage showed Croydon now twinned with the Eye of Sauron,
0:37:35 > 0:37:42and Sky reporter Mark Stone was busy capturing unprecedented scenes of pixelated anarchy on his phone.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46Whoever fitted that bracket did a hell of a job!
0:37:46 > 0:37:50He also held impromptu interviews with alleged looters.
0:37:50 > 0:37:56- These people appear to have been at it. What...- Are you a journalist? - No, I live here.
0:37:56 > 0:38:01- I'm astounded at what you're doing. - We're getting our taxes back.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Fair enough. They will need taxis back to carry all that stuff.
0:38:05 > 0:38:10Trouble was much of the live coverage depicted shops being looted and no one to stop it.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13It was almost like a giveaway sale.
0:38:13 > 0:38:18Kicking off now is Britain's most terrifying sale!
0:38:18 > 0:38:23Thousands of prices and windows smashed! Get the top-name brands!
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Plasma screens worth £750 are now no pounds!
0:38:27 > 0:38:31Trainers worth £79 now no pounds!
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Basmati rice was £8.99, now no 99!
0:38:34 > 0:38:38If you can get it off the wall, it's yours.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41Get an increased sentence absolutely free!
0:38:41 > 0:38:46Branches in Hackney, Ealing, Croydon, Clapham Junction and soon Manchester!
0:38:46 > 0:38:49Please, God, let it end soon!
0:38:49 > 0:38:55Aside from the violence, what was depressing was the nature of the looting.
0:38:55 > 0:38:59It was about getting phones and tellies and trainers.
0:38:59 > 0:39:04What's so great about trainers? Stick 'em on your feet and walk. Woo-hoo!
0:39:04 > 0:39:09If we're so impressed by footwear, we might as well give up.
0:39:09 > 0:39:16Having thoroughly depressed us all, the news now needed to give us something to cling to,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19so it began to highlight some cheery side effects.
0:39:19 > 0:39:25There was widespread coverage of heartening, impromptu broom armies that assembled.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29Yeah, but somewhere a broom showroom has been gutted.
0:39:29 > 0:39:35There was even a breakout viral star in the form of Pauline Pearce, who ranted at looters on YouTube.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39She's working hard to make her business work and then you burn it.
0:39:39 > 0:39:45- For what? To say you're a bad man?! - She was the Susan Boyle of the riots,
0:39:45 > 0:39:52except she was standing in front of graffiti that said "Cameroon suck my dick" bellowing abuse.
0:39:52 > 0:39:56You lot piss me the fuck off! I'm ashamed to be a Hackney person!
0:39:56 > 0:39:59More like the Sex Pistols, really.
0:39:59 > 0:40:04Not that these punk roots stopped her from appearing on This Morning,
0:40:04 > 0:40:10and being profiled like a pop star on the news. But people wanted to see the wrongdoers banged up.
0:40:10 > 0:40:17Many seemed to revel in their crimes, posing like winners of a Gadget Show competition.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21Sky News carried an illuminating interview with looters in disguise.
0:40:21 > 0:40:27To protect their identities, two dressed as ninjas, one as a man peering from an elephant's arse.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Let's hear what they have to say.
0:40:30 > 0:40:34- What did you get? - What did I get? Tracksuits.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37A couple of electronic stuff.
0:40:37 > 0:40:42- Nice green scarf.- I know people that know people, so I got a van.
0:40:42 > 0:40:48- You were going round in a van filling it up at stores? - Yeah, but we also dropped it off.
0:40:48 > 0:40:54- A bit like Ocado.- Any bad feelings? Ever thought about it at night in your bed?
0:40:54 > 0:40:57No, cos I'm watching my plasma! It's like Christmas came early.
0:40:57 > 0:41:05And with that this troubled band of teenagers walked off into the sunset with their trousers falling down.
0:41:05 > 0:41:10Should have nicked a belt! The media went into full-blown hand-wringing,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13trying to work out why the riots happened.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17The riots just hardened whatever opinion you had beforehand.
0:41:17 > 0:41:24- Masked youths blamed anger and anger.- What do you think drove the people that smashed this up?
0:41:24 > 0:41:27Anger, innit? Anger as well.
0:41:27 > 0:41:33- Grown men blamed the Big Society. - The Big Society, it's a load of crap what they say.
0:41:33 > 0:41:35It's not worth ten bob.
0:41:35 > 0:41:40On civilised Sky News, posh people blamed people from the estates.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42It's people from local estates.
0:41:42 > 0:41:48- And arseholes on horrible US shitcasts blamed immigrants. - Many of them are immigrants,
0:41:48 > 0:41:52can't speak the language. Of course they're unemployed.
0:41:52 > 0:41:58In an unusually angry Newsnight, David Starkey seemed to join in, blaming race.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01The whites have become black.
0:42:01 > 0:42:08A particular sort of violent, destructive, nihilistic gangsta culture has become the fashion.
0:42:08 > 0:42:13Yeah, black people, it's your fault, even when you try not being black.
0:42:13 > 0:42:20Look at this white black bastard! How dare he?! White as the ace of spades! Go back to Africa or Surrey!
0:42:20 > 0:42:26I was in London for the big riots. I was amazed that anything over here could burn
0:42:26 > 0:42:32in this damp, stone, brick, ugly, mossy rock.
0:42:32 > 0:42:36I'm amazed I can keep a cigarette lit outside.
0:42:36 > 0:42:41And I don't know why it happened. They happened for whatever reason.
0:42:41 > 0:42:46They're trying to say it's a socio-economic thing. I don't think so.
0:42:46 > 0:42:53Unless you had some flatscreens for the needy programme that got chiselled out of the budgets.
0:42:53 > 0:43:00Take your little rioter at home and put him on your lap and explain, "Loot and riot and steal
0:43:00 > 0:43:06"every flatscreen out of that shop, you little chimney sweep! You little scamp!
0:43:06 > 0:43:11"Fill your entire walls with flatscreens everywhere you look
0:43:11 > 0:43:18"and all that's on is Friends and Top Gear. And with your hours you'll get the deaf interpreter,
0:43:18 > 0:43:23"flailing away in a seizure in the bottom of your screen."
0:43:23 > 0:43:30I've literally wet a napkin and stuck it to the lower quarter of my television screen
0:43:30 > 0:43:36so I could get through an episode of a show I didn't want to watch anyway.
0:43:36 > 0:43:41What you have to explain to your youth is their outlook is bleak regardless.
0:43:41 > 0:43:45It doesn't matter if you have money over here. You're in the UK.
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Your outlook is fucked.
0:43:47 > 0:43:52The Killing, that was good, right, but it was really weird.
0:43:52 > 0:43:55It was about Sue Perkins,
0:43:55 > 0:44:00but instead of judging baking, she's being a policeman. A man.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04With a jumper on. The same jumper for weeks, so she stunk.
0:44:04 > 0:44:10And there wasn't much killing except the girl at the start. Her parents took ages to get over it.
0:44:10 > 0:44:15Usually you see the relatives for one scene, boo hoo.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19But this kept showing them, sitting around looking upset
0:44:19 > 0:44:24and crying and getting angry. And looking lost, until, "All right.
0:44:24 > 0:44:28"The murder was nine whole episodes ago. Get over it!
0:44:28 > 0:44:36"Have some ice cream. Jesus! You've two other kids. Take them to the zoo and don't get THEM killed!"
0:44:36 > 0:44:39Then it was so popular, they did it again.
0:44:39 > 0:44:44It was like The Killing I, but with Sarah Lund in a different jumper
0:44:44 > 0:44:49and it had Giant Haystacks in it and this man hiding, in the army,
0:44:49 > 0:44:54and the army blokes were a bit weird and tossed each other off.
0:45:01 > 0:45:03Didn't really get it.
0:45:03 > 0:45:08September is for authenticity and there were red faces all round
0:45:08 > 0:45:14when ITV's new documentary strand Exposure included footage from a video game
0:45:14 > 0:45:17as a real IRA home movie.
0:45:17 > 0:45:22With Gaddafi's machine guns, it was possible to shoot down a helicopter
0:45:22 > 0:45:26as the terrorists' own footage of 1988 shows.
0:45:26 > 0:45:30This was what security forces feared most.
0:45:30 > 0:45:37It was the most eye-opening documentary since that Panorama on the big monkey lobbing barrels.
0:45:37 > 0:45:43Sticking with games, it was a bumper year with the sumptuous and epic Skyrim
0:45:43 > 0:45:49and the ground-breaking LA Noire, a cinematic homage to film noir, with hot man-on-corpse action,
0:45:49 > 0:45:54- faintly eerie cameos from the cast of Mad Men.- You're Fifth Columnists.
0:45:54 > 0:46:01- And plentiful sequences in which you quizzed creepily realistic suspects. - You want a confession?
0:46:01 > 0:46:07- That's what you want? - That's exactly what we want. - Where were you on Super Mario Land?
0:46:07 > 0:46:11It was also a good year for shooting in the face
0:46:11 > 0:46:17as two of the biggest video game franchises went to war - Modern Warfare 3 versus Battlefield 3.
0:46:17 > 0:46:23They look macho as heck, these things, but they're homoerotic. Check out this guy's moustache.
0:46:23 > 0:46:31You crawl behind him with his bum right in your face. It says Follow, like a direction from your heart.
0:46:31 > 0:46:38Although sometimes the action seems unnecessarily cruel. Watch my pal deal with this guard.
0:46:42 > 0:46:46I just don't want to be friends with someone who shrugs that off.
0:46:46 > 0:46:51Entertainment! And in a noble bid to repeal our something for nothing culture,
0:46:51 > 0:46:55ITV broadcast Cowell-devised guessing game Red or Black?
0:46:55 > 0:46:59It was basically a massive coin toss without the coin. A massive toss.
0:46:59 > 0:47:05Since the show was about evenly matched odds, it was presented by conjoined twins Ant and Dec
0:47:05 > 0:47:11and had cameos from the likes of Louis Walsh, blowing David Hasselhoff's arse off.
0:47:11 > 0:47:17Eventually the contestants were whittled down until a winner emerged victorious.
0:47:17 > 0:47:24Since contestant backstory is everything, it was fortunate the first winner had a good one.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28- He'd served five years for beating up an ex-girlfriend.- Nathan...
0:47:28 > 0:47:33I've been dying to say this. You are now a millionaire!
0:47:33 > 0:47:37If I was him, I'd spend it covering up my past.
0:47:37 > 0:47:42Things were hairy down Gaddafi way. World leaders had launched Operation Odyssey Dawn,
0:47:42 > 0:47:46a prog rock military campaign supporting the Libyan rebels.
0:47:46 > 0:47:51Berlusconi only took part because he thought it was invading Labia.
0:47:51 > 0:47:58Now with NATO assistance, rebels played tug of war with Gaddafi's forces between Tripoli and Benghazi.
0:47:58 > 0:48:05- Despite hours of nailbiting footage of reporters dodging bullets... - They were rebel vehicles.
0:48:09 > 0:48:15..for the average viewer it was confusing. I know I'm meant to be on the side of the rebels,
0:48:15 > 0:48:20but the narrative is all over the place. It's all map this, map that,
0:48:20 > 0:48:25different flags and place names. Keep it simple for God's sake!
0:48:25 > 0:48:30And the ammo they get through is mental. There'll be a lead shortage.
0:48:30 > 0:48:35The news just showed them shooting everything. It was bloody chaos!
0:48:37 > 0:48:45They even seemed to have declared war on the sky. The average lifespan of a Libyan sparrow is 15 seconds.
0:48:45 > 0:48:50It was fun for onlookers, taking photos like it was Alton Towers.
0:48:50 > 0:48:54In September, the rebels made a final advance into Tripoli and Sky News' Alex Crawford,
0:48:54 > 0:49:00broadcasting live from a rebel vehicle, was first on the scene as Gaddafi's compound was overrun.
0:49:00 > 0:49:05She even conducted a fun interview with a guy who swiped Gaddafi's hat.
0:49:05 > 0:49:10I was like, "Oh, my God! I'm in Gaddafi's room! Oh, my God!"
0:49:10 > 0:49:17But even as his compound became a sort of adventure playground and people dissed his image,
0:49:17 > 0:49:25there was no sign of Gaddafi and it looked like he might never be seen again, until he was.
0:49:25 > 0:49:29When his convoy was intercepted, he sought shelter in a tunnel
0:49:29 > 0:49:33and might not have been caught if he hadn't tweeted.
0:49:33 > 0:49:38What happened next was one of the most nightmarish images of the year and it only got worse.
0:49:38 > 0:49:45We show these pictures with a warning that the video has images of Gaddafi's dead, bloodied body.
0:49:45 > 0:49:50- The pictures are graphic and may be distressing.- How bad can it be?
0:49:50 > 0:49:55'So this is how it ended - the body of Gaddafi lying in a freezer...'
0:49:55 > 0:50:00There was no respite. It's odd that newspapers won't print nipples on the front cover,
0:50:00 > 0:50:06but a triumphant photo of a dead man is OK. So many people wanted a Facebook snap of the body,
0:50:06 > 0:50:13it was kept in cold storage until it went off. Let's not judge - we'd have had him in a shopping centre.
0:50:13 > 0:50:18We used to believe a camera would steal part of your soul.
0:50:18 > 0:50:24Watch the news today and it looks like the people taking the photos had their souls stolen.
0:50:24 > 0:50:29Along with urban violence and unbridled despair, Twitter hashtags were all the rage.
0:50:29 > 0:50:34Here's BAFTA-winning human being Brian "Limmy" Limond.
0:50:34 > 0:50:41- Welcome to Question Time. - Ah, my favourite programme. An hour of intense political discourse.
0:50:41 > 0:50:49- But wait, what's this?- If you're tweeting...- I can tweet along using the hashtag #bbcqt.
0:50:49 > 0:50:54That's a great idea! Join the debate. Let's see what people say.
0:50:54 > 0:51:01"Oh, my God! Theresa May is wearing her spacesuit coat again. She looks like a fucking astronaut."
0:51:01 > 0:51:03She does as well, she does!
0:51:03 > 0:51:08Reply: she does as well, she does.
0:51:08 > 0:51:11But now I'm missing this. Rewind.
0:51:11 > 0:51:14She does as well, she does.
0:51:14 > 0:51:19Play. Ah, Afghanistan. Good question. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
0:51:19 > 0:51:25She looks like him from that comic with the jumper up to his nose. I have to tweet that. Who was that?
0:51:25 > 0:51:27I'll look it up. Pause.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31Who was that?
0:51:32 > 0:51:34Who the fuck WAS that?
0:51:35 > 0:51:40Oh, forget it. I'm miles behind now. OK, Afghanistan. Play.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Bendy bananas?
0:51:45 > 0:51:50Oh,, I see! It's that idiot Farage. going on about bendy bananas again.
0:51:50 > 0:51:58He'll turn into a banana at this rate. Oh, that's good. He'll turn into a banana at this rate. Send.
0:51:58 > 0:52:02But now everyone's talking about the massacre.
0:52:02 > 0:52:05And I'm talking about...bananas.
0:52:05 > 0:52:10- OK, I think I'll just catch up.- Good night.- And that's it finished.
0:52:12 > 0:52:14Great idea.
0:52:17 > 0:52:21Not everything was awful in 2011. There was some good stuff on telly.
0:52:21 > 0:52:25To pick some examples at random, there was The Hour,
0:52:25 > 0:52:31a saga of impassioned reporters in the '50s starring Ben Wishaw, Romola Garai and Fred West,
0:52:31 > 0:52:35who also popped up in harrowing bleak-'em-up Appropriate Adult.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39- It's about the world's nastiest Hobbit.- Eight killings.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Eight?
0:52:46 > 0:52:49- All right, nine.- Oh, Fred!
0:52:49 > 0:52:52There was also eye-opening teach-'em-up Educating Essex
0:52:52 > 0:52:57and shocking melancholy with nostalgia-fest This Is England '88.
0:52:57 > 0:52:59And there was that bakery thing.
0:52:59 > 0:53:04There was this show, right, which was like MasterChef with baking.
0:53:04 > 0:53:08The Great British Bake Off. Just baking. It was good,
0:53:08 > 0:53:13but particular. Like living in a future with only baking allowed.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16You weren't allowed to fry anything. No frying.
0:53:16 > 0:53:22If you tried to fry something, they'd take you round the back and shoot you. Bang, back of the head.
0:53:22 > 0:53:25- On your marks, get set...- Bake.
0:53:25 > 0:53:29There was all this jeopardy, like will the pastry be too tough?
0:53:29 > 0:53:33Or will they forget to use pastry? Anything could happen.
0:53:33 > 0:53:38They might knock over a pan or go mad and fuck the oven.
0:53:38 > 0:53:43It all had this great footage of things coming out of ovens and people eating them
0:53:43 > 0:53:47and squirrels' bollocks. And pies and cakes. It was class.
0:53:47 > 0:53:50If you won, you got to run a Greggs.
0:53:50 > 0:53:55By November, we'd all had just about enough of 2011,
0:53:55 > 0:53:59but maybe things would cheer up. Maybe they wouldn't.
0:53:59 > 0:54:05The global economy was lurching along like a dying dog with a harpoon in its gut.
0:54:05 > 0:54:10Little wonder people were so angry when confronted by scenes like this
0:54:10 > 0:54:15as a slick hobby trader blurted out a few uncomfortable home truths.
0:54:15 > 0:54:22This is not a time right now to think the government will sort it out. They don't rule the world.
0:54:22 > 0:54:27- Goldman Sachs rules the world. - Fortunately, he's just some clown.
0:54:27 > 0:54:34If you look at the professionals, you'll see they know precisely what they're doing... Oh, Christ!
0:54:34 > 0:54:39The Smurfs opening the Stock Exchange this morning.
0:54:39 > 0:54:43Surreal coverage like this added to the sense of catastrophe.
0:54:43 > 0:54:49The most boring apocalypse ever. Numbergeddon. It doesn't help that the numbers are either too massive
0:54:49 > 0:54:57- or too small.- The European Central Bank has raised its key interest rate by 0.25% to 1.25%.
0:54:57 > 0:55:01Because digits are dull, news used dramatic language to convey terror.
0:55:01 > 0:55:08Billions more wiped off the markets in the week the world stared into the abyss of recession again.
0:55:08 > 0:55:15The economy was continually "on the brink" or "gazing into the abyss" or "teetering on the precipice"
0:55:15 > 0:55:21or "gawping over the brink of both the abyss and the precipice into a bottomless pit
0:55:21 > 0:55:25"of decaying banknotes being pecked at by vultures with coins for eyes".
0:55:25 > 0:55:32There was one financial train wreck after another. Ireland, Portugal and, of course, Greece.
0:55:32 > 0:55:38Greece was the Enron of Europe and things looked awful, but brilliant for TV news
0:55:38 > 0:55:44as it added panic and fire. Greece does catch fire easily. Ask anyone who's made chips.
0:55:44 > 0:55:47Next it was Italy, which had a liquidity problem,
0:55:47 > 0:55:53possibly because its leader spent years trying to spurt all the liquid out of his body.
0:55:53 > 0:56:00- But now he was in a hole he hadn't cheerfully lubricated first. - Silvio Berlusconi resigns.
0:56:00 > 0:56:06While throughout the Arab world leaders were ousted by the people, in Europe it was by cold numbers
0:56:06 > 0:56:13and the financial buggeration keeps on buggering. We'll end up with a medieval bartering system
0:56:13 > 0:56:18where you trade sexual favours for food. Sainsbury's will be grim,
0:56:18 > 0:56:23everyone standing at the checkout tearfully masturbating for a fruit drink.
0:56:23 > 0:56:29Berlusconi would be in his element. Not the first time he's tossed off over an innocent smoothie.
0:56:29 > 0:56:34A frank edition of This Morning highlights the importance of prostate exams
0:56:34 > 0:56:37by examining a famous anus.
0:56:37 > 0:56:41Mr Paul Ross looked remarkably relaxed as he got the finger
0:56:41 > 0:56:46and Phillip Schofield stood rigidly still wearing the terse expression
0:56:46 > 0:56:50of a man witnessing an unconventional new puppet show.
0:56:50 > 0:56:55I'm just sliding my finger in. I'm into the rectum now.
0:56:55 > 0:57:01Feeling the back of his prostate gland, which is smooth, it's not enlarged.
0:57:01 > 0:57:04A tenner if you flick his kidneys.
0:57:04 > 0:57:10- You have to go quite deep. - Sniggering aside, this did much to raise awareness
0:57:10 > 0:57:13of stinky winky finger bum.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16There was this thing with Hugh Grant and Alan Partridge,
0:57:16 > 0:57:21but I didn't really get it. It didn't even have a theme tune.
0:57:21 > 0:57:25They just moaned about newspapers for hours. Rubbish.
0:57:25 > 0:57:33- December means one thing and the Christmas adverts had already been on for six- BLEEP- weeks!
0:57:33 > 0:57:39In a commercial twice as depressing as the average DEC famine appeal, Littlewoods destroyed the Santa myth
0:57:39 > 0:57:45with this horrible musical where kiddie winks reveal who really doles out presents.
0:57:45 > 0:57:49- # Who put an Xbox under the tree? - Who got a Fijit just for me?
0:57:49 > 0:57:53# And who put a laptop on Grandpa's knee?
0:57:53 > 0:57:57- # My mother. # - Mum was active in the looting.
0:57:57 > 0:58:02Meanwhile, in this alarming sales pitch, Lord Frederick Flintoff builds a supermarket,
0:58:02 > 0:58:06which he reckons will make people come.
0:58:06 > 0:58:09- If you build it, people will come. - Really?
0:58:09 > 0:58:15- Because they want Christmas to be special. - Well, I suppose it would be.
0:58:15 > 0:58:19- They'll come for the fresh British turkey.- And the British beef.
0:58:19 > 0:58:22- Oooh!- Oh, that's disgusting!
0:58:22 > 0:58:29- They'll come for the Stilton. And a Panettone.- Doesn't take much to make these- BLEEP- come!
0:58:29 > 0:58:34- They'll come for the game pie. - And the Christmas quiche!- Eugh.
0:58:34 > 0:58:41- People will most definitely come. - As long as they don't come on the food. Someone has to eat that.
0:58:41 > 0:58:44I'll do the jokes!
0:58:44 > 0:58:51Speaking of expelling liquid, this melancholy tale reduced millions to tears.
0:58:51 > 0:58:55This made people cry. We cry at adverts for shops!
0:58:55 > 0:58:57Weeping IQ points out of our bodies.
0:58:57 > 0:59:03Worse still, it's a dog's head in that box. He killed it in July and he's been waiting.
0:59:03 > 0:59:09Something about this reminds me of the Hammer House of Horror episode The House That Bled To Death.
0:59:09 > 0:59:14- I wish that was happening. - Where the hell did you get that?
0:59:15 > 0:59:19- Aaaaieee! - Hooray for Christmas!
0:59:19 > 0:59:25Well, that's it for 2011. Happy New Year, unless you're watching on the iPlayer.
0:59:25 > 0:59:31Why didn't you watch it on proper TV? It's not a video game. This is your life. Go away!
0:59:46 > 0:59:50Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011
0:59:51 > 0:59:54Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk