0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:09 > 0:00:10Thank you very much.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Thank you very much, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, hello,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16hello, hello, hello, how are you? Good to have you here, folks.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Welcome to the Hammersmith Apollo. Are you in good form?
0:00:19 > 0:00:20AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Very good. This is our big show tonight.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24This is our big set, which was supposed to look like
0:00:24 > 0:00:28the Hollywood Bowl, but, in fact, looks like the opening titles to Rainbow.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30That didn't work out quite as we planned it,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33cos that makes me look like Bungle.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35So, listen, it is a pleasure and a delight to be here.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38This is the show, there will be some messing around, some stories,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40some chat, there will be chat, there will be chat.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Don't fear the chat. Some comics are really rude and mean
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and they go, "Look at you." And they're pick on you. I don't do
0:00:47 > 0:00:49that shit cos, you know. Well, A, because I'm not that kind of comic.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53And, B, you know, you have to be nice, you have to be nice.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Comedy generally, these days, has to be nice. It didn't always have
0:00:57 > 0:01:01to be nice, but then Frankie Boyle and Jonathan Ross fucked it up.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04However, what did I want to talk to you about?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I, during the year, had an unusual experience
0:01:07 > 0:01:10because I ended up at a student party, right, one night.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- And I've not been to a stu... - Woo!- I know, yeah, tragic, isn't it?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16I've not been to a student party in a decade, right,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18but I did a gig in Cambridge and some lad came up to me
0:01:18 > 0:01:20and said, "Will you come back to the house? We're having a meeting
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"of the Cambridge Whisky Drinking Association." And I went,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25"Oh, that sounds fancy." And he goes, "No, it's not."
0:01:25 > 0:01:28And all it was is this group of lads
0:01:28 > 0:01:30and they all pitch in four quid each and buy a bottle
0:01:30 > 0:01:35of single malt whisky, right. Really student, but lovely guys,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38real comedy nerds. And I went back and was chatting to the lads.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40And during the conversation, I note there were three girls there.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44All first year in college, about 18, 19 years old.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And I'm chatting to the three girls about college life and this and that.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51And then, I made an observation I hadn't actually formally made,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54which was that nothing was passing between me and the girls.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58There was no electricity, no vibe, no chemistry, no potential.
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Nothing was passing. The three women were looking at me
0:02:02 > 0:02:06in a kind of a, "This is very nice. I wonder who he's here to collect."
0:02:06 > 0:02:08However, I...
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Now, that's shattering, but I know it had to happen. Honestly, nothing,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16blank, it was as if I'd forgotten to turn on the Bluetooth in me cock.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Nothing was coming off the girls.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I wasn't looking for it, I'm married with a kid,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23I wasn't hunting it down, but nonetheless it's slightly
0:02:23 > 0:02:26disappointing, you know. They weren't even registering
0:02:26 > 0:02:29a sexual device in the room. Nothing was coming off them, right.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Similarly, a few weeks later, I went to a doctor's appointment
0:02:32 > 0:02:34and I was checking with the doctor about stuff
0:02:34 > 0:02:35and I said, "Will you do an MOT on me?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"I'm in my late 30s now, let's see how I'm doing."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40So, your man does a big test on me, runs a load of things,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43and then comes back with a big, serious face on him.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I said, "What's wrong?" And he goes, "Well, your cholesterol."
0:02:46 > 0:02:49He says, "Your cholesterol is very high." Right.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51And my cholesterol was ludicrous,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53pick a number and double it type high, right.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55But I didn't know what it meant and I went,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57"What does it mean? What does it mean?"
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I went, "Does that mean I've got butter for blood?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02"That's what it means. I've got butter for blood, doesn't it?"
0:03:02 > 0:03:04And your man looked at me and goes, "Not quite." I said, "Not quite?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"That was chosen as a ridiculous example.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08"I expected you to say no.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"That wasn't the opening negotiation." And he sits there.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"What does not quite butter? What? Spreadable, margarine?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"What have I got in my veins at the moment?"
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And your man looks at me and goes, "I can't believe..."
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And I said, "What? It's not butter?"
0:03:20 > 0:03:21AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:03:21 > 0:03:23He goes, "No, I can't believe you're not dead yet.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"I've had a look at the figures, you should be dead now.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29"Stop going on about butter. You've mentioned butter nine times.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32"And every time you do your eyes light up and you start to salivate.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"That could be the problem, right there."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Firstly, this is an important thing, the 19-year-old girls,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41by the way, that... If you've ever had a conversation that
0:03:41 > 0:03:44involved the word cholesterol, you don't get to wonder why
0:03:44 > 0:03:48the 19-year-old girls don't seem to be in any way interested in you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50That's a good rule for life, lads, you know,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52if you're ha... Let's just put it this way, if you're using
0:03:52 > 0:03:56a special margarine, boys, no more 19-year-olds for you, right.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Here's a rhyme next time you open the fridge,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"If your Flora is blue, no 19-year-olds for you." Right.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:04:04 > 0:04:06But the other issue I went was,
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I said, "What am I going to do?" And he says "Well, I'm afraid
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"there are two things you can do. Plan A is a drug called statins."
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Now, we'd have all heard of statins by the time we die.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16One of those drugs like Disprin that we'd have heard about.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18It's like, "Oh, my God, the statins this, statins that."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20We'll have all heard of statins. But your man goes,
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"You take these drugs and you take them every day until you die."
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And I went, "No fucking way, man. No fucking way. I'm a young man,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"I'm not eating myself into the situation
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"where I need drugs for life.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"What's plan B?" And he said, "A harsh regime of exercise."
0:04:35 > 0:04:39And I said, "Let us urgently reconsider plan A.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"And, in fact, I'm angry at the way you hid plan B behind plan A.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46"knowing full well I would reject plan A out-of-hand
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"and then you'd spring me with the genuinely prickish plan B."
0:04:49 > 0:04:52No-one wants to do the exercise, no-one wants to be back in the gym
0:04:52 > 0:04:55on the machines that do this or do this or do something.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59While some prick from the gym in a little blue t-shirt with the logo
0:04:59 > 0:05:02sewn onto it goes, "Are you having a good workout?" And you go...
0:05:02 > 0:05:03HE GASPS
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And he goes, "Are you having a balanced workout?"
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And you go, "Well, I haven't fallen off the machine yet."
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I think that's as much balance as I intended to achieve
0:05:12 > 0:05:15over the course of this workout. What do you mean balance?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18They love this bullshit in the health industry. "Oh, you've
0:05:18 > 0:05:22"got to have a balanced workout. There are three types of fitness."
0:05:22 > 0:05:26There aren't three types of fitness. It's only a type of fitness if you
0:05:26 > 0:05:30can't bluff it. There are two types of fitness. One. Strength for
0:05:30 > 0:05:33the lifting of heavy things and stamina for the holding of heavy things
0:05:33 > 0:05:36when the place you're going to put the heavy thing isn't quite ready
0:05:36 > 0:05:39for the heavy thing, so you've got to go and put the heavy thing back.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42The third one. Suppleness, flexibility.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Ask my arse.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Can you touch your toes? Yes, I can touch my toes, I've got knees.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Remarkably easy to touch your toes.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:05:56 > 0:06:00I have semi-collapsible limbs that makes the job almost facile
0:06:00 > 0:06:01when it comes to touching my toes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Look, there's one set, there's the other. Job done, right.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Nonetheless, I had to pick an exercise which is a chore, right.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12And I went through all the different options and I eventually fixed on
0:06:12 > 0:06:15cycling. I thought, "This'll be the one I'll do. I'll go cycling."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And I could... This is kind of because when I was 15, in Ireland,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21we had this guy called Stephen Roche who won the Tour de France.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And as a teenage boy, I went, "Oh, wow." And he was a hero to me
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and I always wanted that bike. That skinny bike with
0:06:27 > 0:06:30the drop handlebars, and here we go, right. So, finally I can do this.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Does anyone here ride a bike?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yes.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36OK, maybe I'll broaden that out a bit, does anyone here own a bike?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42In fact, no, let me narrow it down now. Is there anyone here married to
0:06:42 > 0:06:46or living with somebody who spent a lot of money on that bike and
0:06:46 > 0:06:48that hasn't been out of the garage in at least a year at this stage?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Yes, there's a few. You're my people.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You're my people, right there. Did he buy the shorts as well?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I bet he bought the shorts too, didn't he?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57And walked around the house going, "Look at that, Mary, isn't that
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"fantastic, look at that! Look at the way it lifts, lifts and holds.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"Mary, you're a lucky woman. I've still got it."
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You always buy the shorts and you go out,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08you think you're an athlete. I went out the first day on
0:07:08 > 0:07:11the bike, out to Richmond Park. Cycling around the park. And then
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I got thirsty, you know, when you get thirsty as a punter, you drink.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17But, when you're an athlete, in other words, you've got the bike
0:07:17 > 0:07:19and the shorts, you rehydrate.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21So, I'm on the bike, I put my hands on the handlebar,
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I reach into the frame of the bike, pull the bottle out and,
0:07:24 > 0:07:29while cycling, pump it, pump it. To push the fluids into my system fast.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Then I released,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36forgetting to disengage the bottle from the corner of my mouth.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40So, when I did this it popped out creating a vacuum
0:07:40 > 0:07:44which instantly sucked the fluid back up my throat, out of my mouth,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46into the bottle again.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I effectively rinsed myself out.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53When I took the bottle away it was as heavy as it had been
0:07:53 > 0:07:56when I initially introduced it into the situation.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59But I didn't fall. I wobbled, I wobbled ferociously.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I was all over the road but I didn't fall. You don't fall
0:08:02 > 0:08:05when you're at speed. You fall when you're static.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06You fall when you're in traffic.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10You fall when you're at the lights. You fall when there are others
0:08:10 > 0:08:14around to see you fall. That's when you fall off
0:08:14 > 0:08:16a menopausily-purchased, expensive bike
0:08:16 > 0:08:18that you don't really know how to use.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And you fall slowly.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Cos if you're at speed you can go to here, down to here
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and the momentum will carry you around. But if you're static,
0:08:26 > 0:08:30if you go to here, that's enough for gravity to go,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33"I'm having you."
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And you go down slowly. Enough time for people to go,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Oop, timber, you're going down, he's going down. Hey, driver,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"look at this, this is hilarious. Hey, Mary,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45"come here, come here. No, park the car, you've loads of time, come on."
0:08:46 > 0:08:49The most important thing to do when you're falling off a bike
0:08:49 > 0:08:54is make the face. Make the face. This is vital. This is the face.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Duh. That's the face. Duh. That's the vi... If you look, duh,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01people have a reflex, they have to go "duh" back at you. And you're
0:09:01 > 0:09:03going "duh", they're going "duh", and you're, "No, I'm falling."
0:09:03 > 0:09:06They go, "No, I'm falling myself. Happens to the best of us."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09That makes it OK. But if you go "duh", people look at you
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and they go "duh" as well, "Oh, well, you know." And in their head
0:09:11 > 0:09:16it goes wah-wah-wah, and that makes it all OK.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You could try to stop yourself falling, but that's impossible.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Because the man who sold you the bike and the shorts,
0:09:22 > 0:09:23also sold you the shoes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:09:25 > 0:09:29The special, magical cycling shoes that clip onto the pedals for
0:09:29 > 0:09:34the official, efficient transferral of energy from thighs to bike.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36But you can't get them off the pedals because you keep
0:09:36 > 0:09:40forgetting the 30 degree, Fred Astaire, unclippy angle
0:09:40 > 0:09:42that you have to do. And you're falling off a bike,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45you can't remember that because half your brain's going,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Oh, Jesus, you're falling, you're falling."
0:09:47 > 0:09:51And the other half is going, "Make the face, make the face."
0:09:51 > 0:09:55So, you kick, you kick furiously, but you're strapped to the pedals.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57So, the energy goes down one pedal and then up the other pedal.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Now, you're shaking, you're making the face, you're making the face.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03But people are looking at you going, "Jeez, he's having a fit."
0:10:03 > 0:10:06You're shaking all over the place.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And they're going, "Who gave the epileptic a bike?"
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"It must have been the traffic lights that set him off."
0:10:22 > 0:10:26And, Mammy, it hurts. It hurts when you hit the ground.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I've had back injuries. How many people here have ever had back pain?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31- AUDIENCE: Yes. - The majority of you. It's a chore
0:10:31 > 0:10:34cos you don't know what to do with it, what do they do,
0:10:34 > 0:10:35"Ow, I can't handle this."
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's a fucking nightmare having back pain. I was whining about one
0:10:38 > 0:10:41back injury for a while to a mate of mine, for so long he eventual went,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45"Jesus, there's a chiropractor near me, go get yourself checked out."
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I said, "Is he good?" He said, "I don't know, you go check yourself out."
0:10:48 > 0:10:52And, well, I'm here with my review. It's voodoo, that's
0:10:52 > 0:10:55my review of chiroprac-ty. It's voodoo with percussion built in.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59They lie you down and they do clickety-pop, click, click pop.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Clickity poppety click pop, click pop, pop, on your back.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Then the guy stood me up, stood me in the room looking away.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07He went behind me,
0:11:07 > 0:11:11reached over my shoulders, grabbed my head
0:11:11 > 0:11:12and went crack.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So, you're there going, "I wonder what's happening...
0:11:15 > 0:11:16"Fucking hell!"
0:11:16 > 0:11:18AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:18 > 0:11:23I wasn't expecting that. No doctor does that.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26I've never seen any trained medical professional do that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I've seen Jason Bourne do it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I've seen Bruce Willis do it in a Die Hard movie. I've never
0:11:34 > 0:11:37seen a Die Hard movie where he's sneaked up behind somebody and gone
0:11:37 > 0:11:41CRACK. And they've gone, "Oh, Jesus, that's fantastic, thanks very much.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"Oh, God, you've really loosened that up.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"I'd a knot of tension there for years, that's all gone now.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"Oh, that was the only reason I got into terrorism.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"was the dull nagging pain in my neck,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55"Thank you, John McClane, for releasing me from that".
0:11:57 > 0:11:59And my fears were confirmed by a mate of mine, Simon Singh.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Who wrote an article for the Guardian a couple of years ago,
0:12:02 > 0:12:07pointing out that some chiropractors claim to cure infant colic.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And asthma and ear infections in young children, right.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13And he said, "There's no evidence for this. This is bogus."
0:12:13 > 0:12:16And the entire organisation of chiropractors sued him for libel.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18The case dragged on for two years, cost hundreds of thousands of pounds
0:12:18 > 0:12:21and they, eventually, backed down because they had no case.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And it was a waste of time and ludicrous, kind of, nonsense thing
0:12:24 > 0:12:27to do, right. And a lot of people got very angry because
0:12:27 > 0:12:30of the medical implications or because of the legal implications.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Me. My reaction was much more of a gut feeling of,
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"What manner of eejit brings an infant to a chiropractor?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Have you ever met an infant and gone, "How are you feeling?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And the kid's gone, "I'm fucking knotted, stop it, jeez.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48"I'm in bits. I got out of the cot this morning. Twang. I can't move."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Or, "Stop it, I bent over to pick up a Peppa Pig,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"I couldn't get down, I couldn't get down, couldn't get down, get down."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00"Oh, sure, I'm a martyr to me back, a martyr,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01"I've got play group in an hour,
0:13:01 > 0:13:05"I don't know how the fuck I'm going to get through that."
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Where were we, ladies and gentlemen?
0:13:08 > 0:13:13Oh, yes, the 19-year-old girls. That's what I was talking about.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16No, no, no, here's a different situation and a situation
0:13:16 > 0:13:19that's very common in my life. Where I now find myself often
0:13:19 > 0:13:22in the company of women. Just me and loads of women.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Please, It's not what you think.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29What's wrong with you people with your dirty minds? Right.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32No, it's me and mothers, right. And by which I mean mothers, rather
0:13:32 > 0:13:36than, you fucking mother. Anyway, so, OK, I'm sorry. I've stumbled
0:13:36 > 0:13:39across a lot of people who are into MILFs in a huge way. I'm sorry.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43This is important. I spend these days every, you know.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I spend a load of my time, about 11 o'clock in the morning,
0:13:46 > 0:13:48where it's me and mother, mother, mother, mother, mother.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53At these classes called Drummarama, or Gymalimadingdong, right.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57These classes you go to with a toddler in order to
0:13:57 > 0:13:59tire the fucker out.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I'm sorry, didn't I mean to increase their coordination
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and social skills?
0:14:04 > 0:14:09No, tire the fucker out so they'll sleep and you can drink some wine.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And when I go, it is, literally, me as the only grown-up male there
0:14:14 > 0:14:17and mother, mother, mother, mother. And they look at you.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Mothers look at you when you're the only man in a crowd of women.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24"What are you doing here, in our sacred mothering space,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26"with your penis?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Obviously, implicitly with your penis rather than,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"What do you think you're doing with your penis?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33"Put it away, for Christ's sake!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35"It's Drumarama, they supply the drum sticks,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"there's no need to take that out."
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Collectively, I have to say this, mummies are bitches.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46They really are. Oh, I'm sorry. I had a mother walk up to me once
0:14:46 > 0:14:50in a swimming lesson and go, "You may not change with your daughter."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I went, "How dare you!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54"It's the most natural, normal thing for a father
0:14:54 > 0:14:56"and a child to change together. Of course
0:14:56 > 0:14:58"I will change my daughter. There's nothing weird about it.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"How dare you even imply that there's something wrong with that."
0:15:01 > 0:15:05And the woman looked me and went, "It's the woman's changing room."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07But I went up to her
0:15:07 > 0:15:11and went, "Who are you to place such structures on a child's mind?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Why don't you and the other mummies just go back to the showers
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"and I'll just sit here and finish my cigar."
0:15:17 > 0:15:19AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:15:19 > 0:15:22So, I don't go to swimming lessons any more. No.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I now go to soft play areas, which are these arenas
0:15:26 > 0:15:29which are specially built and all padded so the kids can run
0:15:29 > 0:15:32into things and not hurt themselves.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33And then they run into each other.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And you're outside with some stranger parent
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and you have to do this real, "Ooh, are they OK?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"Are they grand? Are they fine? Are they all right?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44"Ooh, are they all right? Ooh, bit of rough and tumble,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"doesn't do them any harm in the long run. A few tears now, it'll be fine,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49"It'll be grand. It'll be fine, it'll be grand."
0:15:49 > 0:15:53That's what you say. But, on the inside, you're going, "Boom!
0:15:55 > 0:15:57"My kid poned your kid."
0:15:59 > 0:16:04You turn into Don King of the bouncy castle.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09"Get that loser out of here. Who's next with my child?"
0:16:09 > 0:16:10I either go there or pet shops,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13which are, of course, a free zoo.
0:16:13 > 0:16:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:16:17 > 0:16:19And people who work in pet shops know this.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22And they look at you going, "You're not going to buy a thing are you?"
0:16:22 > 0:16:25When you walk in. You go, "No, I'm not buying a thing, ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"Look at the fish, come on. Look at the fish, come on,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30"for half an hour, because Daddy's hung over to fuck. So, you look
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"at the fish for a while. While I rest my head in a terrarium."
0:16:33 > 0:16:35HE SNORES
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Now, I'm aware that it is actually slightly risky for a comedian
0:16:39 > 0:16:41to talk about these kind of topics.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44These are the ones that can alienate people. Cos there are
0:16:44 > 0:16:47a lot of people of a certain age who don't have kids, don't want to hear
0:16:47 > 0:16:49about this, right. It can look mawkish or sentimental and that's
0:16:49 > 0:16:52not what I'm trying to achieve. Particularly, say, well,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56let's go very, very, very young. You, you, you, you two, there.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58What age are you two?
0:16:58 > 0:17:0114, and you? You're 14 as well, OK, grand.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Right, now, you are perfect for these kind of things.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06You're teenage boys. 14-year-olds don't want to hear
0:17:06 > 0:17:08something about... I'm sorry, am I interrupting
0:17:08 > 0:17:12your recording illegally of my show? Err...
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'm loving the brazenness of it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Like, we have nine cameras, but you thought,
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"No, the phone will capture the moment better than any possible
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"major production thing that we have." No, go for it!
0:17:23 > 0:17:26No, go for it. You can run it as an extra, your view.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- What's your name?- Johnny. - Johnny, is it Johnny?
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Yeah, Johnny. As an extra,
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Johnny's view of the show, which is like that.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Constantly, every time I look over you go down.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Johnny, I'm going to use you as ambassadors for
0:17:37 > 0:17:38young men in the audience.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42You don't want to hear stuff about babies. I know that you don't.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45That's not as rare an instinct as most... As you might imagine.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47How many people... This is a test I run every night.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51How many people in this room think babies are cute?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53SOME AUDIENCE CHEER
0:17:53 > 0:17:57OK, how many people in this room think kittens and puppies are cute?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59MORE OF THE AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Yep. Every night, the kittens and the puppies win.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Really. I've done this show 120 times.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Every night, the kit... There's never even a debate.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10The kittens trounce babies.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It's something really fucked up on an evolutionary level.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16We find the young of other species to be more appealing
0:18:16 > 0:18:18than the young of our own, right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Not just kittens, not just puppies, lambs.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23AUDIENCE: Aaaw.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Ducklings.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Baby crocodiles.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:18:29 > 0:18:30If you're ever on a plane
0:18:30 > 0:18:35and an air hostess went, "I'm afraid you will be sitting next to a baby."
0:18:35 > 0:18:39And you automatically go, "Oh, for fuck's sake.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"Oh, no. Oh, come on.
0:18:42 > 0:18:47"Oh no, not me. It's my holiday as well. Nooo."
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And then she goes, "A baby crocodile."
0:18:50 > 0:18:52And you go, "Hooray!"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You'd be feeding it rashers all the way through the flight.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57"Come on, Snappy, have a bit of bacon, there you go.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"Oh-ho-ho, you little monkey, get down."
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It is just one of those things, you know.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07We don't like that much. It's, you know, here's another thing.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09I'm not going to be sentimental about it, trust me.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12In fact, I'll give this piece of advice. Anyone here who
0:19:12 > 0:19:15doesn't have kids, who may have kids in the future. A little tip for you.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18A little habit you could break now. Something that...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Trust me, you do this, you will thank me for it in years to come.
0:19:20 > 0:19:27It's very, very simple. Stop using the word dirty in a sexual context.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31We've all done it. I'm not judging you. We've all thrown the word in
0:19:31 > 0:19:34to add a bit of spice to a situation, frisson to a night.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38But it will rear up and bite you when you turn to your infant child
0:19:38 > 0:19:43and go, "Don't do that, that's dirty. Oooh. You're a dirty girl.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47"Look at you now. God, I can't believe I just said that
0:19:47 > 0:19:48"to my own child."
0:19:48 > 0:19:50AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
0:19:50 > 0:19:52That is...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55The creepiest thing I have ever done in my life.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56That is horrible.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It's a word that has a proper meaning. A proper genuine...
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Like, naughty is another one as well.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04These words and phrases have definite, proper meanings
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and when we subvert them for sexual reasons,
0:20:06 > 0:20:09we ruin them for when we really need them.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Dirty, naughty and do what Daddy tells you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22So, no, not sentimental.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25But I might be slightly nerdy in the next little bit.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Are there any nerds in the room?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:20:28 > 0:20:31OK, loads of nerds, good stuff. Don't fear us, non-nerds,
0:20:31 > 0:20:32we're gentle folk.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I myself, I'm a nerd. I did a degree in science,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39a long time ago, right. I still get credit for it in chat shows
0:20:39 > 0:20:42or on QI. They go, "Oh, my God, you did a degree in science?"
0:20:42 > 0:20:46And I have to go, "Yes, I did, don't ask me any questions."
0:20:47 > 0:20:51A decade and a half ago, I can't remember. You can't keep trading
0:20:51 > 0:20:52on this stuff forever.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54You know this if you've ever played five-a-side football.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56If you ever play five-a-side football, there's
0:20:56 > 0:21:01always one bloke going, "Well, yeah, I had trials, semi-professionally...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04"..when I was 14." And you go "Really?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Cos you're not 14 now, are you? You fat prick."
0:21:09 > 0:21:11"You've kind of bulked out a bit in the last 25 years.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14"A 14-year-old you would be useful, we could send him down the wings.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16"But you've kind of... Get in the nets and block shit.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18"That's all you're good for now."
0:21:20 > 0:21:23But it does still, you know, get me angry about things.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26For example, the last show I did, I had a ten-minute routine
0:21:26 > 0:21:30about homeopathy, and what a crock of shit homeopathy is, right?
0:21:30 > 0:21:34I don't have any homeopathy jokes in this year's show cos I feel
0:21:34 > 0:21:40if I dilute my homeopathic material it'll become much more powerful.
0:21:41 > 0:21:46If you got that, you're a nerd, all right? So... Talking with the guru.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49What got me angry this year and in the last couple of years
0:21:49 > 0:21:51has been to do with the babies, Because the amount
0:21:51 > 0:21:55of quasi-scientific bullshit that's pedalled at new parents,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58who don't know any better and are easily frightened is shocking.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01About when the child should sleep or cry or eat
0:22:01 > 0:22:03or what you should play to it and what you should play with it.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07It's a horrendous industry, even before the child is born.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Right, my two young friends. Hello, how are you, right?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I'm going to talk about a thing called an antenatal class.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I'm taking a wild guess here that you don't know what that is?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17You've a vague idea?
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You've maybe seen the films where there's like pregnant women,
0:22:20 > 0:22:21a circle of pregnant women.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23And they're breathing. That's an antenatal class.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26In this part of the world, the classes are run by a charity
0:22:26 > 0:22:29called the National Childbirth Trust,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33very commonly known by the abbreviation NCT.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Little note for any comedians in the room, beware abbreviations.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40They can mean very different things in different countries.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44In Ireland, for example, NCT stands for National Car Test,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47the Irish equivalent of the MOT.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I, like a fucking eejit, forgot that, and walked out at the start
0:22:51 > 0:22:54of this tour and said, "So, I brought me pregnant wife for an NCT."
0:22:56 > 0:22:58And the whole room recoiled in horror,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00as if to go, "Why would you do that?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02"Why would you walk her into a garage and go,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05"'Jesus, the handling has gone on this, she's all over the road.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07"'Mind you, the headlamps, the headlamps are better than
0:23:07 > 0:23:09"'I've ever seen them. Don't do anything about them.'"
0:23:09 > 0:23:12AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Now, you don't do this course
0:23:14 > 0:23:16because of any of the information involved. You can get that
0:23:16 > 0:23:20in a load of different sources. You do the course because you'll meet
0:23:20 > 0:23:24other new mothers. And it is vital for new mothers having their first baby
0:23:24 > 0:23:28to have a network, a support structure of other new mothers also
0:23:28 > 0:23:32having their first babies at the same time in the area. So they can
0:23:32 > 0:23:37share with them their total lack of aggregate knowledge or experience.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39It'd be like the rest of us, having a computer help desk
0:23:39 > 0:23:41that we'd ring up and go, "Help, my computer's fucked."
0:23:41 > 0:23:45"That sounds terrible." "It is, how are you?" "I'm all right."
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"Bye." That's the level of care they can offer each other, right?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53The course, by the way, is also run by midwives.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Now, midwives are fabulous people who do wonderful jobs.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59But some midwives are surprisingly political.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Some midwives think they're in a turf war
0:24:03 > 0:24:05with doctors.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08In a, "Don't let the doctors near you," kind of a way.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Cos some midwives seem to have mistaken doctors, in their head,
0:24:10 > 0:24:14for Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Actual quote from a midwife, "Don't let the doctors near you,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20"with their knives."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Actual quote. As if the process isn't scary enough without
0:24:23 > 0:24:28thinking doctors are ready to lash out randomly in dark corridors.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31The course is also taught in that tone.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34That tone that I can't stand. That,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38IN A SOFT VOICE: "OK, we're all here together, we're all just taking
0:24:38 > 0:24:43"our first steps on an incredible journey of life."
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Urgh.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51At one stage she goes, "No surnames, no job titles, what you do
0:24:51 > 0:24:56"outside this room isn't important right now. We're all the same here.
0:24:56 > 0:25:02"We're just new parents, taking our first peek into a wide, new world.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"Try to ignore the large, bald man off the telly...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"..sitting in the corner of the room,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"openly taking notes for use in a future routine."
0:25:18 > 0:25:21It was all I could do to keep sane.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25We had... She would do things like she handed out a homeopathy kit,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27you know, for labour pains. And it came around to me
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and I went, "Oh, ingredients. Water, that'll be handy
0:25:29 > 0:25:32"when you're screaming the place down, won't it?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"I imagine all the screaming probably dries your throat out a bit."
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And then she gets to some of the genuine signs.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38My two young friends here, for example,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41there is a hormone in a woman's body called oxytocin.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Oxytocin is a hormone released during love-making.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It is also the hormone that regulates labour, right.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51The woman was talking about this and she says, "Oxytocin," she says,
0:25:51 > 0:25:58"Oxytocin is best released in a quiet, dimly lit,
0:25:58 > 0:26:03"nurturing environment, where there are no loud noises.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06"Or sharp sounds."
0:26:06 > 0:26:10And you're going, "It's not a fucking badger."
0:26:10 > 0:26:12AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:26:13 > 0:26:17Come on. Come on. Come on. Tlik-tlik-tlik.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Come on. Tlik-tlik-tlik.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25She goes further, she says, "The production of oxytocin will halt..."
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Will halt! "..if your partner has to answer any difficult questions,
0:26:29 > 0:26:35"or make any decisions, or perform any rational thought."
0:26:35 > 0:26:39And we're all sitting there going, "Well, that sounds handy, doesn't it?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:44If you go into labour in a shopping centre or up a mountain. "Oh, God,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46"I've gone into labour." "Pop quiz."
0:26:46 > 0:26:47"Oh, fuck, it's stopped, nice work."
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Presumably, you can stave off labour using only a Nintendo DS
0:26:53 > 0:26:57and a copy of Dr Kawashima's Brain Training regime.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02And then she gets to a major issue. Oh, lads, lads, lads, lads,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04you'll know nothing about this. I'm going to say something here
0:27:04 > 0:27:07that you will never have heard of before in your life.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10But, when I say it, watch out for this. When I say something in
0:27:10 > 0:27:13about a minute's time, every woman in this room is going to make a noise.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Every one of you will make this noise.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And I'm not proud of the noise I'm about to make you make.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22It's not a good noise I'm going to make you do, but there's good stuff
0:27:22 > 0:27:24just beyond the noise. There's gold. But there's a noise barrier
0:27:24 > 0:27:27and you've got to make the noise to get through that barrier, right.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31During the process there is a point
0:27:31 > 0:27:33where a decision may have to be made.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36I cannot apologise enough.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Between a tear and a cut.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42AUDIENCE: Oooh.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46There's the noise.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51There's the noise I've heard 120 times so far in this tour.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53The noise and also the hands.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56If it's any comfort to you, there are two 14-year-olds
0:27:56 > 0:27:59who haven't a clue what just happened.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Who are sitting in the front row going,
0:28:01 > 0:28:05"What? Do they have to cut them out of their jeans? Is that what happens?"
0:28:05 > 0:28:09We get to this important point and the woman's discussing it
0:28:09 > 0:28:12and in her full-on, "Don't let the doctors near you." When she goes,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15"Obviously," she says, "you should choose the natural path."
0:28:15 > 0:28:17AUDIENCE: Ooh.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Which is a debatable point, right.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23But to back up this stance, to back this up, unbelievable,
0:28:23 > 0:28:27she goes, "Besides which," she says, "Besides which,
0:28:27 > 0:28:31"a tear heals better than a cut."
0:28:31 > 0:28:33AUDIENCE: Oh.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I am loving you for that sound.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39That's exactly the sound we made at the time of, "Huh? What?
0:28:39 > 0:28:42"What? That sounds... What?
0:28:42 > 0:28:46"That sounds counterintuitive, at best." I turn to my wife,
0:28:46 > 0:28:48who is a surgeon.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Although not allowed to say it.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57And said, "Really?" And she goes,
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"No, it fucking doesn't."
0:29:01 > 0:29:03AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:29:07 > 0:29:10"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. What does
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"she think we've been doing for the last 250 years?" And I said,
0:29:13 > 0:29:15"Do you want to correct her in this?" "If I correct her in this,
0:29:15 > 0:29:18"I've got to correct her in everything she's said for the last day and a half.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22"Let's just get the email addresses and get out of here."
0:29:22 > 0:29:25A friend of mine summed it up brilliantly.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27A mate of mine had just been through the whole thing
0:29:27 > 0:29:29and I was talking with him a few days later. I said to him,
0:29:29 > 0:29:31"Oh, my God, she said an incredible thing.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33"She said a tear heals better than a cut."
0:29:33 > 0:29:37And your man goes, "Oh, yes, ooh, yes.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39"That's very well known now.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43"In fact, most surgeons these days, for the initial incision...
0:29:45 > 0:29:47"..will use a bear."
0:29:54 > 0:29:56There's an image to get out of your heads.
0:29:56 > 0:30:02This. "Dr Bear, to theatre three. Dr Bear, to theatre three."
0:30:02 > 0:30:07Raargh, raargh, raargh.
0:30:07 > 0:30:11DARA MAKES WATER NOISES
0:30:14 > 0:30:16"What are we doing today? Appendectomy? Stand back."
0:30:16 > 0:30:19- RIPPING NOISE - "Goodbye. Rargh."
0:30:20 > 0:30:22AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:30:28 > 0:30:32"Oh, Dr Bear, are you going back to the mess now?"
0:30:32 > 0:30:35"Yes, maybe my porridge has cooled down by now. Rargh."
0:30:35 > 0:30:39There's a question, there's a question, a propos of nothing.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43But how, how, how do you cook porridge in one pot on one ring
0:30:43 > 0:30:45on one stove? Then dole it out into three separate bowls
0:30:45 > 0:30:48and it goes to three different temperatures?
0:30:48 > 0:30:52How exactly does that happen?
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Somebody explain to me the physics of that situation,
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I'm not getting it.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58Mummy bear, your porridge is cold, why are you going for a walk?
0:30:58 > 0:31:01It's not going to heat up while you're wondering around the woods.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Your child's porridge is the right temperature,
0:31:03 > 0:31:07let him eat his breakfast. Just cos Daddy bear, Mr Dr Daddy Bear
0:31:07 > 0:31:10is a bit, "Ooh, it burns my mouth." Well, blow on it, you prick.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12Blow on it, for Christ's sake, or put milk into it.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15That's what we do with hot porridge. We don't go for a walk.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17That's why we get all these burglaries all the time.
0:31:17 > 0:31:22And another thing, how do they even have a baby bear given that
0:31:22 > 0:31:25he won't go into her bed, cos it's too soft?
0:31:27 > 0:31:31"Come over here, Mummy bear." "I will not, it's too hard."
0:31:31 > 0:31:34"It's not the only thing that's too hard, get over here now."
0:31:34 > 0:31:37OK, no, we're off the biology. Young men, we're off the biology.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40We're just into the culture now. We're off the ickiness.
0:31:40 > 0:31:43If you have a child, this is the thing that everyone says,
0:31:43 > 0:31:46"Oh, you're having a child, ooh, you'll have no time, ooh,
0:31:46 > 0:31:50"you'll have no time. Oh, God, now, you'll have to give up so much. No time any more."
0:31:50 > 0:31:54People say this to you like it's a sacrifice. It's not a sacrifice, right.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56We've got too much shit at the moment, too much culture,
0:31:56 > 0:31:59too much content, too much stuff to keep across.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01I'd a night in not long ago. This may have happened to any of you.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04Child asleep, wife out, house to myself, what'll I do?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Well, I'll watch a bit of sport, I've got 14 sports channels,
0:32:06 > 0:32:08there's bound to be a match or a tournament
0:32:08 > 0:32:10or a game or something I can have a look at.
0:32:10 > 0:32:12Wait a minute, I'll watch a movie.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14I've got 20 movie channels. Besides which, I'm always buying DVDs.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17Let's have a look at the DVDs I've bought and never watched.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19A box set of a TV series, I haven't seen the end of this.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22What am I doing? There's stuff saved onto the Sky Plus Box.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25If there's 200 channels there's bound to be something to watch.
0:32:25 > 0:32:27No, I won't watch, I'll play. I've got three consoles
0:32:27 > 0:32:30and guitars and wobble boards and all sorts of guns.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32No, I won't play, I'll listen to some music.
0:32:32 > 0:32:33I'm always buying CDs.
0:32:33 > 0:32:35I'll go on to Spotify, all the music in the world.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38When I'm online, I'll go to Facebook or Twitter, or read a book.
0:32:38 > 0:32:40I'm always buying books, I never keep up with the books.
0:32:40 > 0:32:43In the end, I watched the last hour of RoboCop.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49When faced with all of the world's culture, I panicked and just fell
0:32:49 > 0:32:52into a foetal position and went back to me childhood again.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54There's too much stuff. And do you know what's irritating?
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Often the same stuff over and over again.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I'm in a battle with the film I Am Legend.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I Am Legend is your typical meh-blockbuster, you know?
0:33:03 > 0:33:06You watch it for 90 minutes and then go, "Meh." Right?
0:33:06 > 0:33:08But it's sold to us across a million formats.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Sold to us repeatedly. Sold in the cinemas, then on DVD,
0:33:11 > 0:33:14then on Blu-ray. Then on the movie channels, then on the terrestrial
0:33:14 > 0:33:17channels. Also downloadable for the iPod, the iPhone and the iPad.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19You can also download it for the Xbox 360 and the PS3
0:33:19 > 0:33:21and on a small disc for the PSP.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24You can also get... I was travelling last year, every plane I was on
0:33:24 > 0:33:29and every hotel I arrived at, I Am poxy Legend was being pitched at me.
0:33:29 > 0:33:31Everywhere for a year, I couldn't get away from the film.
0:33:31 > 0:33:35This is the irony. It's a film about the last remaining man on Earth.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39And, still, the fucker can't leave me alone for five minutes.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42He's got the entire planet to run around and everywhere I go,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44"I'm A Legend, here's me dog. I'm A Legend, play with me."
0:33:44 > 0:33:46I expect to be stuck in traffic
0:33:46 > 0:33:48and for my Sat Nav to go, "Traffic is very heavy at the moment,
0:33:48 > 0:33:54"would you like to watch a bit of I Am Legend?" No!
0:33:54 > 0:33:56And it's not just blockbusters, stuff we didn't even need.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00Ten years ago, mouthwash. Mouthwash is a product we didn't even
0:34:00 > 0:34:03need ten years ago. It is currently on sale, from Listerine, it is
0:34:03 > 0:34:09currently on sale in supermarkets in this country in six types of mint.
0:34:09 > 0:34:10Name a type of mint?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- Softmint.- Spearmint.
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Spearmint didn't make the cut.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Spearmint wasn't one of the mints. Name another type of mint?
0:34:16 > 0:34:18- Peppermint.- Peppermint didn't make the cut either.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Cool mint did, these new bullshit mints. Cool mint, fresh mint,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24clear mint. I bought all six and I racked them up
0:34:24 > 0:34:26in front of myself, like a taste test.
0:34:26 > 0:34:30For the purpose of this show. Trust me, you go any direction
0:34:30 > 0:34:33in any permeation, they're all pretty much mint, right.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Then you've a moment of realisation where you go,
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"What am I doing? It's a mouthwash.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42"You use it immediately after you've brushed your teeth. Everything
0:34:42 > 0:34:45"tastes of mint immediately after you've brushed your teeth.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48"Fruit, chocolate, chilli, tarmacadam,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50"a vagina, they all taste of mint."
0:34:54 > 0:34:57Obviously, the keyword is immediately.
0:34:58 > 0:35:00I keep a tube by the bed. OK.
0:35:00 > 0:35:02AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Anyway, so you have finally an opportunity to walk away
0:35:05 > 0:35:08from all this choice, this tsunami of choice that we have, culturally.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10If you've got a kid you can go, "I'm out of the game.
0:35:10 > 0:35:13"I've no time to keep up with this, I'm gone."
0:35:13 > 0:35:14First thing to go, right,
0:35:14 > 0:35:17first major cultural movement I just dropped was new music.
0:35:17 > 0:35:20New music, I've gone, I couldn't give a damn about new music.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Fuck you, Zane Lowe. Fuck you and everyone else on Radio One going,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26"Yeah, you've got to listen to this twinkety-twing-twing.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29"Yeah. Twang, twing, twang." Fuck you, right.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32Fuck Pixie, Gaga, Boots, whatever you're called.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36Florence and the mechanics, good luck to you, right.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39You fight it out amongst yourselves and become classic hits.
0:35:39 > 0:35:40I'll hear you eventually, all right?
0:35:40 > 0:35:43I spent a quarter of a century, forced to keep up with this stuff.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45I'm out of the game, it is like throwing off a heavy coat.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48It's always good to be out of music snobbery as well, to go,
0:35:48 > 0:35:49"Nah, I'm not part of this."
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Music snobbery is the worst kind of snobbery,
0:35:51 > 0:35:53"Oh, you like those noises?
0:35:53 > 0:35:55"Those sounds in your ear? Do you like them?
0:35:55 > 0:35:56"They're the wrong sounds.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00"You should like these sounds in your ear." Right.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02It forces people who like something a bit mainstream,
0:36:02 > 0:36:04like a bit of pop, like a bit of Girls Aloud or Take That
0:36:04 > 0:36:06or a bit of ABBA, you know, to have to go,
0:36:06 > 0:36:09"Ooh, they're my guilty pleasure."
0:36:09 > 0:36:14I hate that phrase, right. It is an insult to top quality pop.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16It is also an insult to guilt.
0:36:17 > 0:36:22I might be an atheist now, but I did my time with the Catholic Church.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25I learnt a lot about guilt and it needed a lot more than,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27"Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight,"
0:36:27 > 0:36:29to merit the phrase guilty.
0:36:29 > 0:36:30You had to have the man after midnight,
0:36:30 > 0:36:32then you can talk about guilt.
0:36:32 > 0:36:34If you've got a guilty pleasure, let it be something
0:36:34 > 0:36:36you genuinely feel guilty about.
0:36:36 > 0:36:37You know what my actual guilty pleasure...?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39My genuine guilty pleasure is?
0:36:39 > 0:36:43I like to use a crowded tube train to touch women.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47It feels wrong but it feels right.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50That's practically the definition of a guilty pleasure.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52It's particularly good if you can make it seem like it's their fault,
0:36:52 > 0:36:54"Ah, what are you doing?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56"Jeez, buy me dinner next time, honey."
0:36:56 > 0:36:59AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:36:59 > 0:37:01I don't do that, all right.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03Don't walk away thinking...
0:37:03 > 0:37:05I don't, I don't, I just smell them, all right?
0:37:05 > 0:37:06That's OK, isn't it?
0:37:08 > 0:37:09They don't own the air.
0:37:09 > 0:37:13"What are you doing?" "I'm asthmatic, maybe.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15"Come back.
0:37:15 > 0:37:16"You smell of warm."
0:37:18 > 0:37:20No, new music, gone. Do you know what else went?
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Movies. This is the weirdest thing for me.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24I used to love movies. My two young friends,
0:37:24 > 0:37:2614 and 15, are you still filming?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I'm loving the way you're still filming this.
0:37:28 > 0:37:32We've got to get this stuff and stick it on the DVD somewhere.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34There may be a point where you're physically removed
0:37:34 > 0:37:36from the room. We may need another 14-year-old
0:37:36 > 0:37:41to sit there for the retakes. For the guy who couldn't stop pirating.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Even though it was repeatedly pointed out to him,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"Don't pirate." "I can't stop myself, I've got to tape it.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48"I'm even blanking out earlier bits I taped.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52"It's just a compulsion to see the thing ticking over.
0:37:52 > 0:37:54"I'm deleting beloved family memories.
0:37:54 > 0:37:55"I've got to have this show on tape."
0:37:55 > 0:37:58It's recorded for a DVD!
0:37:58 > 0:38:01How could you not...? You can watch it glossy and live
0:38:01 > 0:38:03and shiny with your own face in it!
0:38:03 > 0:38:05That's how much better the version of DVD...
0:38:05 > 0:38:08You're in the one we're selling in the shops!
0:38:08 > 0:38:12That's got to be better than the one you're going to record now.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Oh, I love it!
0:38:21 > 0:38:25And I know the minute I talk to you, He's got it out again, hasn't he?
0:38:25 > 0:38:26He's taken it out again.
0:38:26 > 0:38:29I know, I know, it's ridiculous!
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Anyway, so please, that was the best bit to record,
0:38:33 > 0:38:34and you've chickened out for that bit!
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Definitely the bit to have. Anyway, where we were?
0:38:37 > 0:38:39No, if your age... Sorry, technical question,
0:38:39 > 0:38:41have you seen The Godfather yet?
0:38:41 > 0:38:45You have, have you seen Dog Day Afternoon yet? Dog Day Afternoon?
0:38:45 > 0:38:48Doesn't ring any bells? Have you seen Taxi Driver yet?
0:38:48 > 0:38:49Oh, you've got stuff ahead of you.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52You've got such gold ahead of you. Incredible movies
0:38:52 > 0:38:53that you have to watch, you're going to love it.
0:38:53 > 0:38:57And there's so many of them. 1970s American independent movies,
0:38:57 > 0:39:011990s American independent movies, 1980s French and Continental movies.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03Then, of course, you get to 38
0:39:03 > 0:39:07and you've seen them. And you're stuck with just a giant, shiny
0:39:07 > 0:39:11robot flinging Megan Fox through a Styrofoam wall, right.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14And it kind of doesn't measure up really, you know?
0:39:14 > 0:39:19You kind of go... And 3D. Ask my arse 3D, right? I'm sorry.
0:39:19 > 0:39:20AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:39:20 > 0:39:23Here's my take on 3D, right. They tried in the '50s,
0:39:23 > 0:39:26they tried in the '80s, they're trying in 2010.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Once every 30 years.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30It's like tuberculosis.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32It flares up once a generation
0:39:32 > 0:39:34and you have to zap it with some antibiotics
0:39:34 > 0:39:37and get on with your lives. That's what you have to do.
0:39:37 > 0:39:42Don't get me wrong, Avatar. Ooh, Avatar, what a premise. Ooh.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45It picks up where Titanic left off.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48Inasmuch as half the cast are blue.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:39:55 > 0:39:58Anyway, no, here's the movie that sums up movies at the moment for me.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59I want you to come with me
0:39:59 > 0:40:02cos I guarantee the majority won't have seen this film.
0:40:02 > 0:40:04Incredible film, but you won't have seen it.
0:40:04 > 0:40:08The film came out last year, it was called 2012, right.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12Now, how many of you haven't seen 2012?
0:40:12 > 0:40:14- AUDIENCE CHEERS - OK, right, a good number.
0:40:14 > 0:40:172012 is an apocalypse movie. It's an apocalypse end of the...
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Like a disaster movie. It was the most insane, over the top,
0:40:20 > 0:40:23ludicrously apocalyptic movie.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Entire cities tilted and fell into lava.
0:40:26 > 0:40:30It was just ridiculous, you know. Obviously, you didn't see us dying.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32That's one of the things about American disaster movies.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35You know you're dead somewhere in that movie, but you never see it.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38You just see the Hollywood sign and the New York skyline
0:40:38 > 0:40:40and they're destroyed. You never actually see us.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42I think you could localise them now.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44You could put a thing in when the DVD comes out.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46You know, when you put a DVD in the first time
0:40:46 > 0:40:51and it asks you the language you want, like English, Francais, Suomi.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54And you're always tempted to click on Suomi, you know, to see
0:40:54 > 0:40:57what "play" is in Suomi. But you're afraid you'll get trapped in
0:40:57 > 0:40:58an extras menu in Suomi
0:40:58 > 0:41:00and not be able to navigate your way back out again.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:41:02 > 0:41:04So, you chicken out and you press English.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07They could do that, you could say I'm watching it in scroll, scroll, London.
0:41:07 > 0:41:10Then you'd forget about it. But an hour and a half later,
0:41:10 > 0:41:12there'd just be a scene where a bloke runs in and goes,
0:41:12 > 0:41:16"Trafalgar Square, it's fucked." And then runs out again.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18By the way, that line I do everywhere. In every town,
0:41:18 > 0:41:21I change it for a local landmark. This is the toughest town
0:41:21 > 0:41:24to do it in. Cos, for the simple reason, if I go,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26"Leicester Square is fucked."
0:41:26 > 0:41:29A London crowd will just go, "Yeah, it is really, it really has.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33"You know, just let it go down. so terribly, yes."
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Anyway, it's a ludicrously, over-the-top disaster movie.
0:41:36 > 0:41:39It is hilarious in its over-the-top-edness.
0:41:39 > 0:41:43No plot, no plot. Just John Cusack running away from lava
0:41:43 > 0:41:45for two and a half hours.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49And always just slightly ahead of the lava. "Oh, God, lava.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52"Oh, Jesus, lava. Quick, get into the car."
0:41:52 > 0:41:54He drove off, the lava sped up.
0:41:55 > 0:42:00Then he gets into a plane, the lava accelerates again.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02After an hour and a half of this brinksmanship,
0:42:02 > 0:42:04you're going, "Jesus John, I'm spotting a pattern here.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06"Why don't you hold still for a minute
0:42:06 > 0:42:08"and see what the lava does?"
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Will it come up to you and go, "Oh, Jesus, he's called our bluff.
0:42:10 > 0:42:13"Quick, get back down the hole, we've got nothing, he's gone."
0:42:15 > 0:42:17It's the most ludicrous... They destroy everything.
0:42:17 > 0:42:20And you're going, "Oh, if you've destroyed everything
0:42:20 > 0:42:22"there must be a reason. You must have sat down
0:42:22 > 0:42:25"with geologists or cosmologists or meteorologists to come up with
0:42:25 > 0:42:29"some justification for the greatest apocalypse that we've ever seen."
0:42:29 > 0:42:33No. There's one line in one scene at the start of the movie,
0:42:33 > 0:42:35to explain the entire apocalypse.
0:42:35 > 0:42:38And it's not even repeated to or alluded to, just one line, right.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41I'm now going to do this for you. This is why you have to come
0:42:41 > 0:42:44with me a bit cos you won't have seen this. I will make the scene come alive.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47It's India, it's a monsoon. A man arrives, clearly in a hurry.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49He's wearing a suit, he's got a small bag.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51He's rushed to be here. He's a scientist.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54He's meeting another scientist. He goes,
0:42:54 > 0:42:56"I came as soon as you called." The other guy,
0:42:56 > 0:43:00in a white coat, goes, "We've had some incredible results."
0:43:00 > 0:43:03At which point, this bloke should have gone, "Well, why didn't
0:43:03 > 0:43:07"you email them to me, like we normally do in science these days?
0:43:07 > 0:43:10"Why, instead, did you compel me to fly from Washington to India?
0:43:10 > 0:43:13"I've been on nine aeroplanes, I've watched I Am Legend 14 times."
0:43:17 > 0:43:20But he doesn't say that, he goes, "Oh, my God, what are they?"
0:43:20 > 0:43:23And this bloke delivers the greatest line in the history of cinema.
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Some of you won't get this immediately, but trust me, I will explain it.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29This guy, a physicist, turns to the other physicist
0:43:29 > 0:43:32and without any shame or compulsion goes,
0:43:32 > 0:43:36"The neutrinos have mutated."
0:43:36 > 0:43:38AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Now.
0:43:41 > 0:43:44For the non-nerds here, neutrinos are tiny subatomic,
0:43:44 > 0:43:47really, really almost mass-less particles that are released
0:43:47 > 0:43:50in nuclear breakdowns, like in the sun, for example.
0:43:50 > 0:43:54500 trillion of them pass through your bodies every second.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55They can't mutate.
0:43:55 > 0:43:58Their structure is fundamental to the structure of the universe.
0:43:58 > 0:44:00They can't just change.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03He might as well have gone, "The electrons...
0:44:03 > 0:44:05"are angry."
0:44:08 > 0:44:10Or, "The light from the sun...
0:44:10 > 0:44:12"it's gone off."
0:44:12 > 0:44:15That's how fucking ludicrous it is, right.
0:44:15 > 0:44:19But he doesn't do this, he goes, "The neutrinos have mutated
0:44:19 > 0:44:22"and they're heating up the planet."
0:44:22 > 0:44:23At which point,
0:44:23 > 0:44:26this bloke should have gone, "What the fuck are you saying?
0:44:26 > 0:44:28"What sort of shit physicist are you?
0:44:28 > 0:44:32"What crappy Calcutta university spat you out with a fucking degree?
0:44:32 > 0:44:33"The muta... What the...
0:44:33 > 0:44:35"Did you not ask one of the blokes to check your figures?
0:44:35 > 0:44:37"He would have given you slap and told you not to get
0:44:37 > 0:44:39"some guy to fly from Washington in a monsoon
0:44:39 > 0:44:41"with no change of underwear to tell me the fucking...
0:44:41 > 0:44:44"You're a fucking eejit." He doesn't deliver this speech.
0:44:45 > 0:44:47Instead, he goes, "Oh, my God."
0:44:47 > 0:44:49And runs away from lava for two and a half hours.
0:44:51 > 0:44:52And it's never mentioned again.
0:44:52 > 0:44:55This, the most incredible thing that's ever happened
0:44:55 > 0:44:57in the history of science, is never mentioned again.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59People don't even know, when they're running away
0:44:59 > 0:45:02from the lava. "Aah, why?" They don't even think to ask.
0:45:02 > 0:45:05They just run and scream and/or die. Even at the end of the movie,
0:45:05 > 0:45:08and I know you're thinking, "End of the movie? Spoiler alert."
0:45:08 > 0:45:10I can't spoil it.
0:45:10 > 0:45:13They're on a boat, there's a new dawn, they've all survived.
0:45:13 > 0:45:15Everybody in the cinema got up and walked out.
0:45:15 > 0:45:18I was the only eejit in a Curzon in Leicester Square,
0:45:18 > 0:45:22with my arm up going, "Er, what happened to the fucking neutrinos?"
0:45:22 > 0:45:24AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:45:24 > 0:45:27A week ago they had mutated and were heating up the planet,
0:45:27 > 0:45:28how does that change all of a sudden?
0:45:28 > 0:45:31That was the most amazing thing to have happened in physics,
0:45:31 > 0:45:33did it happen twice in eight days?
0:45:33 > 0:45:35They said, "Sorry about last week, boss was giving me
0:45:35 > 0:45:38"a bit of grief at work, wife was nagging me, I lashed out, mutated,
0:45:38 > 0:45:42"heated up your planet, won't happen again. Yours, the neutrinos."
0:45:42 > 0:45:45How exactly did that threat go away?
0:45:45 > 0:45:48And then you're going, if you're just going to make shit up,
0:45:48 > 0:45:50if you're just going to suspend all logic then go for it.
0:45:50 > 0:45:51Jesus, go for it, right.
0:45:51 > 0:45:55If you're just going to go wild then go wild. With the tiniest of changes,
0:45:55 > 0:45:57you could have a genuinely amazing movie. Same opening scene.
0:45:57 > 0:46:01Rain, man, suit, bag. "I came as soon as you called." Other guy goes,
0:46:01 > 0:46:05"We've had some incredible results." This guy goes, "What are they?"
0:46:05 > 0:46:11If at that stage, with the tiniest of changes, this bloke had just gone,
0:46:11 > 0:46:16"The Latinos...have mutated
0:46:16 > 0:46:19"and they're heating up the planet."
0:46:19 > 0:46:22Now, there's a movie.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24Two and a half hours of running away from Gloria Estefan.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26Ch-ch-cha.
0:46:27 > 0:46:30"Oh, no, the rhythm is gonna get me."
0:46:32 > 0:46:33Quick.
0:46:33 > 0:46:35AUDIENCE CHEER
0:46:35 > 0:46:40"Quick, get into the car." Vroom. "Who's that in the rear view mirror?
0:46:40 > 0:46:41"It's Ricky Martin"
0:46:41 > 0:46:44# Bam-bam ba-da-da-da da-da Ra-da da da-da. #
0:46:44 > 0:46:48All over the world Mariachi vans erupting out of the Earth's core.
0:46:48 > 0:46:51# La cucaracha, la cucaracha Bam-bam da-da-da-dum. #
0:46:51 > 0:46:52And the ending.
0:46:52 > 0:46:56The ending would be the greatest ending in the history of cinema.
0:46:56 > 0:46:58They're on the boat, it's a new dawn.
0:46:58 > 0:47:02They've survived the Latino apocalypse of 2012.
0:47:02 > 0:47:05John Cusack looks at his wife with love in his eyes
0:47:05 > 0:47:08and she looks at him with love in her eyes.
0:47:08 > 0:47:12Then, mounting horror as she raises up her arms
0:47:12 > 0:47:17and she realises she's got giant, multicoloured, ruffled sleeves on.
0:47:17 > 0:47:20And a set of maracas in her hands. And she just goes,
0:47:20 > 0:47:22"Tequila!"
0:47:22 > 0:47:24And John Cusack goes, "Nooooo." The end.
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Now, that's a fucking movie I'd pay money to watch.
0:47:35 > 0:47:37But they don't make them like that any more.
0:47:37 > 0:47:39In case you think I'm just being overly negative,
0:47:39 > 0:47:42I'm dropping music, I'm dropping movies. There is an art form I'm keeping.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44There is an entertainment industry
0:47:44 > 0:47:46I am supporting. And I'm going to say this,
0:47:46 > 0:47:48half of the people who will shout out in response,
0:47:48 > 0:47:51and half the people who don't who'll be like a bit,
0:47:51 > 0:47:53"Oh, for God's sake, Dara." This is the industry.
0:47:53 > 0:47:55Video games.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57- AUDIENCE CHEERS - Hello to the gamers.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59Hello to the non-gamers, who are going, "You're kidding me?"
0:47:59 > 0:48:01Yes, yes. I know it's supposed to be embarrassing,
0:48:01 > 0:48:03I know I shouldn't admit to it,
0:48:03 > 0:48:05I know this because if I'm at a dinner party
0:48:05 > 0:48:08and somebody goes, "Dara, how do you relax after a gig?"
0:48:08 > 0:48:11It's less embarrassing if I go, "I masturbate to hardcore pornography."
0:48:11 > 0:48:12AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:48:12 > 0:48:15Because once you've got past that line, the conversation is
0:48:15 > 0:48:18exactly the same. "Oh, I've not done that since I was a teenager."
0:48:18 > 0:48:21"Oh, you should check it out. It's really moved on since then.
0:48:21 > 0:48:23"The graphics alone are unrecognisable.
0:48:23 > 0:48:25"I have to use all ten fingers."
0:48:25 > 0:48:27AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:48:29 > 0:48:31This is my argument for why video games are the winners,
0:48:31 > 0:48:33are the greatest of all of these industries.
0:48:33 > 0:48:36Video games do a thing that no other industry does.
0:48:36 > 0:48:39You cannot be bad at watching a movie.
0:48:39 > 0:48:42You cannot be bad at listening to an album.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45But you can be bad at playing a video game. And the video game
0:48:45 > 0:48:50will punish you and deny you access to the rest of the video game.
0:48:51 > 0:48:52No other art form does this.
0:48:52 > 0:48:55You've never been reading a book and, three chapters in,
0:48:55 > 0:48:59the book has gone, "What are the major themes of the book so far?"
0:48:59 > 0:49:01And you've gone, "Well, I-I don't know."
0:49:01 > 0:49:03Pffmmm. "Oh, for fuck's sakes."
0:49:07 > 0:49:09You've never been listening to an album
0:49:09 > 0:49:11and, after four songs, the album has gone,
0:49:11 > 0:49:14"Dance. Show me your dancing is good enough to merit this."
0:49:14 > 0:49:17You're going, "Is this good enough?" And the album goes, "No." And stops.
0:49:17 > 0:49:18No other art form.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20Video games do it all the time, An example.
0:49:20 > 0:49:22A very famous game came out a couple of years ago,
0:49:22 > 0:49:25very controversial game. Grand Theft Auto IV.
0:49:25 > 0:49:27A lot of people who play that. Very controversial game
0:49:27 > 0:49:31because you can drag people into an alleyway and shoot them in the head.
0:49:31 > 0:49:34I never got to that bit.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36I got stuck on a bit where they steal a car and drive
0:49:36 > 0:49:39across the city and assassinate a guy in a train station.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41But the fucker kept running away.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44So, I had to steal the car again and drive all the way back again.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46But you couldn't drive quickly cos there's a toll booth
0:49:46 > 0:49:49in the middle of the route and I had to slow up at the toll booth
0:49:49 > 0:49:52and pay the toll. Trust me, six or seven attempts at this,
0:49:52 > 0:49:55you're in your front room, in your pants going,
0:49:55 > 0:49:56"I'm in fucking traffic.
0:49:57 > 0:50:01"I'm on my day off and I'm commuting, what kind of eejit am I?
0:50:01 > 0:50:02"How am I wasting my life here?
0:50:02 > 0:50:05"If I lived in Liberty City, I'd buy a flat near
0:50:05 > 0:50:08"the guy I had to assassinate and I'd fucking walk to work."
0:50:09 > 0:50:12I asked who here was a gamer. Who plays with the Wii?
0:50:12 > 0:50:13AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:50:13 > 0:50:16That doesn't count. This is a Wii game.
0:50:16 > 0:50:20"Ooh, I'm stroking a pony." That's a Wii game, right.
0:50:20 > 0:50:23"Ooh, I'm feeding sugar cubes to a unicorn who's going to poo out
0:50:23 > 0:50:26"rainbows that I can paint on to Mario's house."
0:50:26 > 0:50:28That's not gaming. This is gaming.
0:50:28 > 0:50:33"Oh, my God, I'm in a gun battle, which one of these isn't crouch?"
0:50:33 > 0:50:34AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:50:34 > 0:50:37Every game involves crouching. You're always behind a little wall
0:50:37 > 0:50:39or an oil barrel. You're always crouching.
0:50:39 > 0:50:43But they put the crouch button in different places on different games.
0:50:43 > 0:50:46And you get panicked in the middle of a Space Marine laser battle.
0:50:46 > 0:50:49And you're just pressing any button at all. And, before you know it,
0:50:49 > 0:50:52your soldier is just waddling around the battlefield.
0:50:52 > 0:50:54AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:50:54 > 0:50:56Just looking up at you.
0:50:56 > 0:51:00Going, "Press anything. Anything!
0:51:00 > 0:51:03"Not toggle maps!"
0:51:04 > 0:51:07There's a game called Metal Gear Solid
0:51:07 > 0:51:09and you play a character called Snake. And when Snake dies,
0:51:09 > 0:51:12the camera pulls cinematically up from him and the man that Snake
0:51:12 > 0:51:15has been speaking to on his comms unit goes,
0:51:15 > 0:51:19"Snake, Snake, SNAAAAAKE."
0:51:19 > 0:51:21Every time he dies.
0:51:22 > 0:51:24When I play at Snake, he dies a lot.
0:51:26 > 0:51:29But the man's sadness seems undiminished by the regularity
0:51:29 > 0:51:31with which he has to mourn Snake.
0:51:31 > 0:51:34You'd think, once or twice, he'd just go, "Ah, Snake."
0:51:34 > 0:51:36You think there'd be some sort of debriefing session
0:51:36 > 0:51:39where they go, "Jesus, Mick, you were very fucked off with
0:51:39 > 0:51:41"the death of Snake, weren't you?" "He's one of the best
0:51:41 > 0:51:44"agents we've ever had." "He was not, Mick.
0:51:44 > 0:51:46"We've looked back over the mission logs.
0:51:46 > 0:51:48"His behaviour in the field was erratic, at best.
0:51:48 > 0:51:50"He spent most of the time waddling around
0:51:50 > 0:51:53"the battlefield for no reason. He'd be waddling into corridors.
0:51:53 > 0:51:56"He didn't know where to go. He'd be toggling maps, weapons,
0:51:56 > 0:51:58"then items, then items and weapons and maps.
0:51:58 > 0:52:01"He'd try to put his maps into his items and his weapons into his map.
0:52:01 > 0:52:03"Then he had to get behind that, he couldn't.
0:52:03 > 0:52:06"He kept running at it, and he kept running at it repeatedly.
0:52:06 > 0:52:08"He ran at it once, he missed it,
0:52:08 > 0:52:11"he had to run around again, in a little circle."
0:52:11 > 0:52:12AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:52:12 > 0:52:15"He tried jumping at it, he tried jumping at it.
0:52:15 > 0:52:17"Then he kept touching it, touching it. Then jump and touch,
0:52:17 > 0:52:20"jump and touch, jump and touch, crouch and touch.
0:52:20 > 0:52:23"Then he looked up, then he had a crowbar, then he looked down.
0:52:23 > 0:52:25"Then he dropped the crowbar, picked up the crowbar, weapons,
0:52:25 > 0:52:27"items, items, weapons, items, weapons, weapons, items, crouched,
0:52:27 > 0:52:31"not crouched, crouched, not crouched, weapons, items, crouched.
0:52:31 > 0:52:36"Then a robot attacked him. He gave him his fucking rations.
0:52:38 > 0:52:39"The worst agent we've ever had."
0:52:39 > 0:52:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure to talk to you.
0:52:42 > 0:52:44I'm Dara O'Briain, thank you very much, good night, goodbye.
0:52:44 > 0:52:46We'll see you again, you're very kind.
0:52:46 > 0:52:49You're all legends. I love your work, thank you very much.
0:52:49 > 0:52:51SALSA MUSIC PLAYS
0:52:51 > 0:52:55What is that music? Oh, my God. What is that Latino beat?
0:52:55 > 0:52:58Oh, no. Ooooh.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01AUDIENCE CHEER AND WHISTLE
0:53:03 > 0:53:06Oooh, building up to the big finale.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Here comes the big finale, oooooh!
0:53:10 > 0:53:13Tequilaaaa!
0:53:13 > 0:53:15Thank you very much. You've been fantastic.
0:53:15 > 0:53:17Thanks, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, bye-bye.
0:53:21 > 0:53:25Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
0:53:46 > 0:53:49Ladies and gentlemen, I've done this show 120 times, right.
0:53:49 > 0:53:51In it, there are various routines I have done
0:53:51 > 0:53:52and I have performed them as much as I could.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54And I thought I'd done a very good job,
0:53:54 > 0:53:56but sometimes I worry I'm a little hammy about it.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59And it would be nice to see some of the lines delivered by a proper,
0:53:59 > 0:54:02professional performer. A proper actor, right.
0:54:02 > 0:54:05Say, for example, doing the 2012 routine, just to see how they'd be
0:54:05 > 0:54:09delivered by somebody who genuinely knew how to, well, do you know what?
0:54:09 > 0:54:13Even better, by someone who was in the actual film, 2012.
0:54:13 > 0:54:17How much better would my routine be with the guy who actually delivers
0:54:17 > 0:54:21the line that I am taking the piss out of night after night?
0:54:21 > 0:54:24So, just for tonight, as a little treat, I would like
0:54:24 > 0:54:26to welcome onto the stage an actor you may know from East Is East
0:54:26 > 0:54:29or from Eastenders. Or currently on Strictly Come Dancing, but most
0:54:29 > 0:54:35importantly, plays the physicist in 2012. Who delivers the magic line.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37Could you please welcome Jimi Mistry, ladies and gentlemen,
0:54:37 > 0:54:38on to the stage?
0:54:38 > 0:54:40AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:54:44 > 0:54:47JIMI CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:54:50 > 0:54:52Tonight.
0:54:52 > 0:54:56For one night only, myself and Jimi will now recreate
0:54:56 > 0:54:58that routine and all of its important moments.
0:54:58 > 0:55:01Picture the scene.
0:55:01 > 0:55:03It's Calcutta, it's India, it's a rainy day.
0:55:03 > 0:55:07A man arrives in a suit with a bag. He is a scientist,
0:55:07 > 0:55:09He has travelled great distances in a hurry to be here.
0:55:09 > 0:55:11He is meeting another scientist, he goes,
0:55:11 > 0:55:14"I came as soon as you called." The other man says.
0:55:14 > 0:55:17IN AN INDIAN ACCENT: We've had some incredible results. Rrr.
0:55:17 > 0:55:21AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS
0:55:29 > 0:55:31You like that line, wait till the next one.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:55:33 > 0:55:36This scientist, you know, why didn't you email them to me.
0:55:36 > 0:55:38You know about that, to that bit, right.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40This guy just goes, "What are they?"
0:55:40 > 0:55:43And then this guy, without shame or compunction,
0:55:43 > 0:55:46this physicist turns to the other physicist and says,
0:55:46 > 0:55:49The neutrinos...
0:55:49 > 0:55:51have mutated!
0:55:51 > 0:55:55AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS
0:55:56 > 0:55:58That's good, that's good.
0:56:00 > 0:56:02What a ridiculous line! He might as well have said,
0:56:02 > 0:56:05The electrons are angry.
0:56:06 > 0:56:09Or even...
0:56:09 > 0:56:12The light from the sun....it...
0:56:12 > 0:56:15IN AN ENGLISH ACCENT: ..it's gone off.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17You're actually doing it better than I do now.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20Oh, oh, that's why I'm doing it.
0:56:20 > 0:56:23How much better would the film be if this was the actual ending.
0:56:23 > 0:56:26"We've had some..." This guy goes, "What are they?" If, at that stage,
0:56:26 > 0:56:32with the tiniest of changes. With the fucking most miniscule, with
0:56:32 > 0:56:36the most itsy-bitsy-tiny-weeny-winy of changes.
0:56:36 > 0:56:38If the physicist said this,
0:56:38 > 0:56:42The Latinos have mutated.
0:56:42 > 0:56:44AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:56:47 > 0:56:49And they are heating up the planet!
0:56:49 > 0:56:53SALSA MUSIC PLAYS
0:57:05 > 0:57:07OK. Big finale. Big finale.
0:57:07 > 0:57:08- Oooh.- Ooooh.
0:57:08 > 0:57:11BOTH: Tequilaaaaaaaa!
0:57:14 > 0:57:18You're a fucking legend. Jimi Mistry, everybody.
0:57:18 > 0:57:19Jimi, Jimi Mistry!
0:57:21 > 0:57:23Thank you very much, good night.
0:57:23 > 0:57:27Goodbye, good night, good to see you. I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Jimi Mistry, thank you very much, good night.
0:57:29 > 0:57:32Good night and good night.
0:57:43 > 0:57:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:57:46 > 0:57:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk