0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Hello everybody!
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Hello!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Here we are
0:00:23 > 0:00:26at the Edinburgh Festival, where you are never more
0:00:26 > 0:00:30than 16 feet from a drama student in period costume.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33We have a whole selection of comedians tonight.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36These are the BBC4 type comedians,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40they're not only funny, they're also brilliant, interesting,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43and they will instruct you on the nature of the world as well.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I, myself, am the old fart who will be linking them together.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49I am delighted to see this lot.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52They're going to be acting as the house band as well.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Their lead singer, an eponymous hero,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59is a comedian and birdwatcher in his own right,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02but he's gathered together a group of brilliant musicians,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05who come together tonight, in the form, here they are,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07of the Horne Section.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Thank you very much.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Hello, hello, hello.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22There's a lot of them. Hi.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23How is everyone?
0:01:23 > 0:01:24CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:28Good. How are you? All fine? That's good for me.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I'm Alex Horne, this is my section. We've all got a section.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32This is my one.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I thought I'd introduce them to you,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37by creating a sort of theme tune.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40We'll create a theme tune to our bit using audience suggestions,
0:01:40 > 0:01:41if that's all right,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44so please welcome, on drums, Mr Ben Reynolds.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46See if you can clap. Why not?
0:01:46 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Very handsome.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Completely hairless from the neck down.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55What rhythm would you like him to play, any rhythm at all?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- AUDIENCE:- Jazz.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Can you play jazz rhythm? I don't know if there is one.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01HE PLAYS
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Well, that's sort of his natural state.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07I think you're the one person enjoying this. I don't mind it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I don't like jazz.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Can you do a different facial expression?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Different facial expression, slightly. Better!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Everyone happy with this? Really? Fine.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23On bass, Mr Will Collier. There he is!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Very slender. He's a vegetarian. He's a vegetarian.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33What key would you like the bassist to play in, any key at all?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36E or B?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37B flat minor.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39OK, B flat minor, please.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45None of us have any idea if this is B flat minor or not.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Let's assume it is. What you were hoping for?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50It sounds quite flat, minor and B. It'll do.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Good work. You happy?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57On keys, Mr Joe Stilgoe, on the piano.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01And he's just going to
0:03:01 > 0:03:04add some music on top.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Is this music? I never know.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09He's going to make it better music and add a tune.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Shout out a tune, ideally a BBC tune.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- AUDIENCE:- Ivor The Engine
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Ivor The Engine and Blue Peter.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:21He can do any tune except Ivor The Engine. It's his Achilles.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Blue Peter?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26HE PLAYS THE BLUE PETER THEME TUNE
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Look at them!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35It's all right. Let's go for one other tune.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Jim'll Fix It, quite right, yes.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41HE PLAYS THE JIM'LL FIX IT THEME TUNE
0:03:41 > 0:03:45It's good. Let's introduce Mark Brown on top of this.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Bit of '80s saxophone.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Lovely!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Maybe keep your legs still. Keep your legs still.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Lean back,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59just look a bit happier. That's it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Mr Joe Auckland on trumpet, to play all over it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Lovely.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Good.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Go a bit redder,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13a bit louder, don't breathe,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15louder,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17you play as well,
0:04:17 > 0:04:18good...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20and then stop.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22There we go!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Very good. Very good band! Well done!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Grade 4 this summer, the trumpet. Grade 4.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Theory, theory.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37They're going to stay on throughout this
0:04:37 > 0:04:40and either ruin it or enhance it. We'll see.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I think, Will, I'm going to talk to you lastly, before we go.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Will has got a massive instrument and all the notes,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47all the notes.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Have you ever heard a C before, madam? Do want to hear a C?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Listen to it. C's all right.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00All right, isn't it? Not as good as the A, by far my favourite.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I call him up in the morning to do an A down the phone. Do an A. Wow!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Compare that to the B. B is nothing. The B is awful. Do a B.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Horrible. Do another B.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Yuck! Do the A again.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13He plays. Wow!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:18G, I can't make my mind up about the G. G's sort of...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Oooommm!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Exactly. And the E. Have you heard an E? Do the E.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27There we go.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That spells cabbage. That's what it sounds like.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31You're eating cabbage, thinking,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35"Fine, but what does it sound like?" That's what. Play it again.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39# C-A-B-B-A-G-E
0:05:39 > 0:05:43# C-A-B-B-A-G-E Sounds better than you think!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46# C-A-B-B-A-G-E
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Where are we eating it? In the cafe. Listen to the cafe.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52# C-A-F-E
0:05:52 > 0:05:54The cabbage cafe.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56# C-A-F-E
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Two more cabbages, please.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# C-A-B-B-A-G-E
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I'm getting thirsty. Give me a coffee. A decaf.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07# D-E-C-A-F
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Pretty good!
0:06:09 > 0:06:10# D-E-C-A-F
0:06:10 > 0:06:13A decaf coffee. One more cabbage.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14# C-A-B-B-A-G-E
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Another cabbage.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# C-A-B-B-A-G-E
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I need some meat. Give me some beef. A bit of beef.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24# B-E-E-F
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# B-E-E-F
0:06:26 > 0:06:27You got anything else?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29# E-G-G. #
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Egg, not bad.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Finish off with a bit of beetroot.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38B-E-E-troot. You can't do them all.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41We'll crack on now.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I am delighted to welcome to the stage,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49mailing list.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52She was a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company went I met her
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and jacked it in to do a proper job, which is to be a ventriloquist.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58It's Nina Conti!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Hello!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Thank you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Hello! Hi! Thank you. How lovely.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Yes, I am a ventriloquist and I try to say that without shame.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I love it. I'll just cut the crap and get the monkey out.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Come on out. One, two, three...hup!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Hello, hello.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Edinburgh, thank you.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23APPLAUSE
0:07:23 > 0:07:24- There's no going back.- No.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27So, monkey, why did the monkey cross the road?
0:07:27 > 0:07:33Because he saw you standing behind him, rolling up your sleeve, Nina.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Oh, God!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38- Is that BBC4 enough for you? - I don't know.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:41We got lots to look forward to tonight.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- I'm going to hit Lothian Road later. - Are you?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Going to get me some sweet Edinburgh ass.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Excuse me, you're a monkey.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53They're not fussy, Nina.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58- What's that stuck to your face? - My microphone.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- All right. That's fancy. Where's mine?- You haven't got one.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03That ruins the illusion.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- You can talk into mine.- Testing, one, two, three.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Testing, one, two, three.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Makes no bloody difference.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Can you not deconstruct the act so early on?
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Do you reckon they think you're talking to a real monkey?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24This isn't Glasgow, Nina.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Cheap.- Appealing to the hate in their hearts.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Tonight I want to talk to some actual human beings.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Hello, Missy, how do you do? What do you do with your life?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- AUDIENCE: Just graduated. - She just graduated.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39And she says it with such hope in her heart.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You look like the whole thing is over already.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47What did you study? Was it a total misnomer?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- AUDIENCE:- Master of Theology. - Master of Theology.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Oh, hence the pessimism.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- What are you going to do with that? - And your imaginary friends?
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Cute, monkey. You study religions,
0:09:01 > 0:09:03but you're not necessarily religious?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07No, she's not religious. I can tell.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- Why?- Never mind.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I don't know where you were going with that.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14You couldn't finish my sentence.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19When you laugh, I can't finish my sentences, Nina.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- This multitasking... - You're deconstructing it now!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Is that your mother? - Is that your mother?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Who are you here with?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- AUDIENCE: Myself.- Yourself.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35- You should have studied something else, bitch.- Monkey!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I'm going to leave you to humiliate someone else.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Do you want to just say good night then?- Yes. Who's next?
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Next is going to be someone in the audience.- Good luck.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- This will be dire.- It won't. The last audience really enjoyed it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50For the first hour, they did.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54And then they all left, except one lady, who stayed.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Cos she was dead!
0:09:56 > 0:09:57- Say good night.- Good night.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That was the monkey. Thank you.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- APPLAUSE - Can I borrow you? What's your name? - Sharmani.- Sharmani.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Give it up for Sharmani, the theology student.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Could you come up here? That would be fabulous.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13- APPLAUSE - Thank you. So, Sharmani, that's a lovely name.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I'm just going to put a little makeover on you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Oh, you are so nice to come up because I never would.
0:10:19 > 0:10:24I'm just going to put that on your face. Are you all right?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, loving it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Are you all right?- Yeah, this is hilarious, I am loving it.- OK, good.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- Oh, God, theology. Oh, what a life choice.- Yes.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Oh, God. Yes. Isn't it terrible?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- I'd rather be on the game. - Oh, come on.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I think I'd rather be a ventriloquist.
0:10:46 > 0:10:51I'm disappointed, I thought you were going to put your hand up my skirt.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Ha-ha-ha-ha!- No, I'm not.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Oh, isn't this fun! - So, yes, it's lovely.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Yes, I'm so glad you got me up here.- Why is that?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Because I'm going to actually do something
0:11:03 > 0:11:04I've always wanted to do to.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09All the time I was studying theology, I just wanted to dance.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yes, I did.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17And I'm glad I've got these shoes on because I'm nifty in them.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- You don't have to dance. - No, I really want to.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- I'm so sorry.- Don't be sorry, I'm loving it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30It's the best fun I have had in years.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Oh, the Catholics and the Christians and the Muslims, oh, God,
0:11:34 > 0:11:35sod 'em all!
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- Oh, God, I hate it. I like the devil.- OK.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I'm going to dance the devil's dance.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- You don't have to.- Yes, I will.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- You've got a funny voice. - Yes, thank you for that.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- OK, you can have music if you want to dance.- Yes, hit the music.- OK.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, check it out, check it out!- That's lovely!
0:11:57 > 0:12:02- Thank you very much! - That was awesome.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Sharmani! Thank you, Sharmani!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Thank you, and I was Nina. Good night!
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Now, our next act won the big comedy award a couple of years ago.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I, myself, am an award-winning comedian,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25although the award was for swimming.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29If this place floods, it's not a comedian you want, it's a lifeguard.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Will you please welcome onto the stage, here he is, the poet, Tim Key?!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Hi.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I went out with a model
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"But I found her dull
0:13:12 > 0:13:15"And also she was one of those fatty models
0:13:15 > 0:13:16"and not much to look at."
0:13:17 > 0:13:19I do sort of poems.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Some of them are autobiographical.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27This next one is semiautobiographical,
0:13:27 > 0:13:32by which, I mean I wrote it but I'm not in it.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Very nice. This is quite short.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39If you could play something short. PIANIST PLAYS ONE CHORD
0:13:39 > 0:13:40A bit longer. A bit longer.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44HE PLAYS SOFT MUSIC "Tanya googled herself
0:13:46 > 0:13:47"Still nothing."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49It's quite a sad one.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Good. Good length. Very nice length.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59It was a good fit. I did that one and my dad was in the audience.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You may as well play some double bass under this. Oh, lovely.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05My dad was in the audience, he didn't understand it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08He didn't know what googling yourself was.
0:14:09 > 0:14:14"Different generation," I said. "What do you think it might be?
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"Come on, old friend.
0:14:16 > 0:14:21"Come on, you beast, what do you think it could be? Googling yourself."
0:14:21 > 0:14:25He said, "I don't know." I said, "Hazard a guess, you muppet, come on."
0:14:25 > 0:14:28He said, "Is it like...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"Is it like mooning but with the front?"
0:14:32 > 0:14:37He doesn't get it, does he? He doesn't get it in that example.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41Lovely. Don't mind it. This next one is a bit old-fashioned.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44If you could play something quite old-fashioned.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Lovely.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55In terms of my own influences, it's really largely Shakespeare. Love him.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Himself also very old-fashioned.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59But, er...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02He had no real control over that.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I love him, though, so florid. Beautiful writer.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12At his best, I think, almost Dickensian.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Almost Dickensian.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21"Jon, no H, bowed deeply to the girl."
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Lovely that, another era.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27"She in turn curtseyed.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34"Jon bowed deeply again, concentrating hard on his technique
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"The girl blew him a kiss as she curtseyed
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"In response to Jon's bowing
0:15:41 > 0:15:43"Jon caught the kiss
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"And made as if to shove it down his underpants."
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Oh, Jon. Same old Jon!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53What will we do with Jon?
0:15:55 > 0:16:01"Appalled, the girl jumped backwards into the road and was crushed."
0:16:01 > 0:16:04I went to Egypt to...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Each of my poems takes between six and eight months to write
0:16:07 > 0:16:09and I went to Egypt to, er...
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Sometimes an idea comes into your head and you think
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I need to flesh that out and I went to Egypt for, er,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I was there for about four months.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Do you want to play something Egyptian?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Less racist if poss.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Ah, nice.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Yeah. Oh, lovely,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I feel like I'm back there.
0:16:31 > 0:16:38I wound up on a beach in the south, just leaning against a, er...
0:16:38 > 0:16:40another poet.
0:16:43 > 0:16:50I wrote this one, it's a summary of some of my experiences in Egypt.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"Bedecked in white shawls
0:16:53 > 0:16:58"A local tailor floated across the hot sand on his camel
0:17:00 > 0:17:03"Nearby a handsome Englishman
0:17:03 > 0:17:08"Fingered an Egyptian girl against a pyramid."
0:17:13 > 0:17:18OK, this is, can you play...? Can you go bop, bop, bop-bop, bop, bop?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22HE PLAYS THE REFRAIN
0:17:22 > 0:17:24And then if you go...
0:17:24 > 0:17:30bum, bum, bum-bum-bum, bum. You, you.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Bum, bum, bum-bum-bum bum.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Now that sort of fits, yes.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38And then you, bop, bop, bop, bop.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42THEY PLAY
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Nice.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Can you do something? Can you play?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52PLAYS HIGH PIANO KEYS
0:17:52 > 0:17:56That's it, nice. Bit of composing.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59It's not that hard. It's just having the courage.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# Ba-ba, ba-da-ba-ba
0:18:01 > 0:18:03# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba. #
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- Do you want to put some vocals on? - Here we are.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Here we are.- Oh, yes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Here we are.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Here we are.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Here we are. - Lovely. Thank you.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Here we go. We'll lose the music for a second, that's horrible.
0:18:20 > 0:18:25"Some of the other cubs convinced Kenneth there was a badge for arson."
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- OK. "Jane had an egg..."- Oh, no.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Sorry, carry on, I didn't mean to say anything.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I don't like egg, I don't like egg. I shouldn't have said anything.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I don't like egg. Carry on.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Sorry, sorry.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47OK. "Jane had an egg."
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I don't...
0:18:49 > 0:18:51- What?- You know I don't like egg.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That's OK, I'm just doing a poem about egg.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56I know but I really don't like egg.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Yeah, but I can still do a... Fine. OK.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- I'd seriously rather you didn't. - Sorry?
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I'm not going to get an egg out, I'm just doing a poem about an egg.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- What?- I've got strong feelings, I've never had an egg,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12- I don't like them. - You have had an egg.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- I've never had an egg. - Of course you've had an egg.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18There's no "of course", I've never had an egg.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- You've had an egg.- I avoid them. - You'd have had an omelette.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I haven't. I know they're made of eggs
0:19:22 > 0:19:25so I'd chose something different, maybe ham.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- What? Like a what? - Ham or something that isn't egg.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Fine, but you'd have had egg in something.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- I wouldn't, I'd just chose something else.- You'd have had a cake.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Of course I've had a cake, but I've not had egg cake I'd have a chocolate cake.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- It would be in the mixture, they mix it in.- Yeah, of course(!)
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"Lovely cake, oh, there's an egg in it!"
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- It would be like a chocolate cake.- I've had chocolate cake.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Well, that would have had egg in it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Mm, nice bit of chopped egg(!) - No, they mix it up.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51They secretly put egg in it?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Rachel would put egg into something...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- Don't bring Rachel into it. - OK, fine.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- You'd have had... Have you had a boiled egg?- Say that again?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Have you had a boiled egg?- Yes. - Right, well, that's egg.- Is it?- Yes.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Sorry, mate, I had two for lunch, lovely.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I'm going to finish with this one.
0:20:12 > 0:20:18This is quite... I guess this is quite harrowing so...
0:20:20 > 0:20:23MOURNFUL SAX PLAYS
0:20:25 > 0:20:29"Let's get a joint account
0:20:31 > 0:20:35"But she had absolutely no money..."
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Guys?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41"I bit her lip
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"And drew blood
0:20:46 > 0:20:48VERY MOURNFUL SAX PLAYS
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"And immediately we were arguing about that
0:20:55 > 0:20:58"And not about all this joint account bullshit."
0:20:58 > 0:21:02That's all my poems, thank you very much. Enjoy the rest of the show.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:06 > 0:21:10And now I'm delighted to introduce to the stage
0:21:10 > 0:21:13an extremely funny man, he is Hannibal Buress.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Hi, hello. Stand right here.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23I'm renting a flat here in Edinburgh
0:21:23 > 0:21:28and a couple of mornings ago I had somebody knocking on my door.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33And I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door, I don't know anybody here."
0:21:33 > 0:21:38So I say, "Who is it?!" The guy says, "Scottish Power!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I say, "Good for you, man.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50"Patriotism is a great thing.
0:21:50 > 0:21:55"I don't know why you feel the need to knock on my door about it, but...
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"I'm going back to bed."
0:21:57 > 0:22:00I get into arguments with taxi drivers all the time
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and I get out the cab and I slam the door,
0:22:02 > 0:22:06but that's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09The way to win is you get out the cab and you leave the door open.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Then he has to step out, come round, close the door.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16While he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19And we just keep going around and around and around.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And I've got my own Benny Hill situation going on.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Life is great.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Cue the music.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I get upset easily by people. I saw this guy, he was on the phone.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34He had the phone between his ear and his shoulder like that,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37but he didn't have anything in his hands.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And I was really upset. "Who the hell do you think you are?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"This action is for people who are multi-tasking.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"Where's your other task? You're not doing anything else!"
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I was hoping somebody would throw a pumpkin at him.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53"Yeah, I'm still here. You won't believe it,
0:22:53 > 0:22:55"somebody just threw a pumpkin at me, man.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"Yeah, but don't worry, you know what my phone technique is.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"I keep my hands free,
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"you never know what's going to happen on these crazy streets.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08"These streets are so crazy. Why am I still holding this pumpkin?"
0:23:08 > 0:23:11I was in the airport, there was this kid,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13he was about four or five years old.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16This kid fixed his fingers in a fake gun and he popped the shot at me.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19I looked at the wall to see if there was something there
0:23:19 > 0:23:21he could have been shooting at.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Looked back at him, he looked me in my eyes, popped two more shots.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Now, I'm in a predicament. What do I do?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29This kid, I'm hit three times.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I have to defend myself, I'm a man before anything.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35I will point blank face-shoot this kid right here in the terminal.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36I don't care...
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"That bitch, little kid, argh! Arghh-h-h-h!
0:23:40 > 0:23:45"What you looking at, lady? Mind your business, lady. Everybody shut up!"
0:23:47 > 0:23:50My other airport nemesis is...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54..airport security, I don't like them at all.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58They're so dedicated to keeping bottled water out of the sky,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00that's their main thing.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03It's probably easier to get cocaine on a plane than it is to get
0:24:03 > 0:24:04a bottle of water.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Because one terrorist a few years ago did some weird liquid bomb thing
0:24:08 > 0:24:11now no-one can bring liquids on a plane.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I think that's being reactive instead of proactive
0:24:14 > 0:24:17because terrorists are always on to something new.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20So next time it'll be some weird Snickers bomb,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23then after that you can't bring full-size Snickers on a plane,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25you can only bring miniature Snickers
0:24:25 > 0:24:27cos that guy messed it up for everybody.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31Now you're at the terminal negotiating your Snickers situation,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34"What if I bring four miniature Snickers,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"that's about the same size as a full-size Snicker."
0:24:37 > 0:24:41And the guy is like, "Don't play with me right now, this is not a game."
0:24:43 > 0:24:47"You can't bring your bottled water, sir." "Why not? It's not bomb water.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50"What if I sip this water to show you it's not bomb water?"
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"What if it's sippable bomb water?"
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"There's no such thing as sippable bomb water!
0:24:55 > 0:25:00"You're playing silly right now. There's no such thing as bomb water."
0:25:00 > 0:25:02They try to make conversation with me -
0:25:02 > 0:25:05"You goin' to Edinboro for business or pleasure?"
0:25:05 > 0:25:09"I'm going to Edinburgh to talk about you in front of strangers.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"So I guess both."
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I don't wear my glasses in my drivers' licence photo, so one guy says,
0:25:17 > 0:25:18"Can you take off your glasses?"
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Yeah, sure, Captain America, it's still me.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Who are you catching like this?
0:25:24 > 0:25:29What terrorists are getting caught using only glasses as a disguise?
0:25:31 > 0:25:36"Goddammit, how'd they find me? No!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40"I paid so much money for this disguise, I thought I was paying for the simplicity - ahh!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Yeah, man, it's still me, do you want me to put the shirt on that I had on in the licence photo too?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49How are we going to do that? That shirt's in checked baggage man.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I eat out in restaurants a bunch.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Whenever I go to restaurants I never put the napkin in my lap,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57never put the napkin in my lap.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02People say, "Why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"
0:26:02 > 0:26:03Because I believe in myself.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants
0:26:10 > 0:26:11cos I'm a goddamn adult
0:26:11 > 0:26:16and I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth
0:26:16 > 0:26:18without soiling my jeans,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20you need to believe in yourself too and get your life together.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23That's for babies. Have some confidence.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Thanks a lot, y'all! I'm Hannibal Buress, later.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Cheers, Hannibal.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I'd now like to introduce an act
0:26:34 > 0:26:37that's been slayin' 'em around Edinburgh,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I can't wait to see them, here they are, The Pajama Men.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42Wa-hey!
0:26:54 > 0:26:58IMITATES DOOR OPENING
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Oh, what a beautiful parlour you have.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Well, thank you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Such beautiful trophies.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Yes, these are things I collected all over the world
0:27:07 > 0:27:09in my time as an explorer.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- You were an explorer? Fantastic! - I was.- Hey, what's this?
0:27:12 > 0:27:17That's a porcupine, otherwise known as the blowfish of the land.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Fantastic. Shall we have a drink?- Sure.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Join me right here, we'll use the chair door as regular chairs.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32IMITATES POURING WINE
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Would you mind? I can't make that sound.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43Not at all.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! GLUG!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Too kind.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- What do they call you, friend? - Oh, I have a boring name.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56My name is Chance.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Chance Thunderstance.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05See what you mean. Shame you don't have a cool-sounding name like Dave.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08- What's yours?- Dave.
0:28:08 > 0:28:14- Why did you give up exploring, Dave? - I'll tell you. And then you'll know.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19I couldn't stand what it did to my relationships.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22I gave up the most fantastic girl.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27You know the kind - legs up to her neck, tits down to her knees.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Looked like a giraffe if you held her right.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- She sounds beautiful.- She was.
0:28:35 > 0:28:41I know what you mean, I just left behind my wife and a newborn babe.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44You know, I always find it weird calling a child a babe.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Well, sometimes you can tell they're going to grow up to be hot.
0:28:51 > 0:28:57I never had any children of my own, it skips a generation in my family.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Suppose that's why my parents were never around while I was growing up.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06I know what that's like.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10I never knew my father - he died before I was conceived.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Well, that's disgusting.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18Would you like to know the real reason I gave up exploring?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- Of course!- Allow me to demonstrate with my marionettes.- All right!
0:29:27 > 0:29:30My partner and I were trekking through the snow.
0:29:34 > 0:29:35We came upon a bear.
0:29:38 > 0:29:39We ran!
0:29:42 > 0:29:45We ran all the way to the edge of the box I keep my marionettes in
0:29:45 > 0:29:47and ran back the other way.
0:29:49 > 0:29:54- Oh, no, you dropped one.- Yes. - I want to have a try anyway.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56Give them to me. All right, there we go.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00- Got that one?- Just going to get the other one over here.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03- Yes, take this one also. - OK. Hold on, I got...
0:30:03 > 0:30:05One of the legs is caught on the arm here.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09- I can't really... The strings... - Loop the string around.
0:30:09 > 0:30:14- I'm trying, trying to shake it off. - Let go with this finger.- I'm trying.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18There we go. OK, there we are. That's nice.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21Going to make them sit down here. There we go.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24Pretty good, yes. You're getting it.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27- OK, good.- Not sure what they're doing now.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Hello. How are you?
0:30:30 > 0:30:33- Good. Pleasure's all mine. - Nice to meet you.
0:30:33 > 0:30:38- Would you like some tea?- I love tea. - OK. Here's tea.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- Oh, good.- Delicious.
0:30:40 > 0:30:45- Delicious tea.- It's too good. - I love to drink tea.- Yes.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48- Would you like some crumpets? - I love crumpets.- OK.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Here's crumpets. Oh, yum. Delicious.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55- Crumpets are nice.- Yum yum.- Oh, yes.
0:30:55 > 0:30:59- Well, good night. Time for bed. - Good night.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01- OK, goodbye.- Bye.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04Uh-oh. Oh, no. What are they doing?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07- What are you doing?- Oh, no. - Stop that.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10- What are they doing?- It's not funny. - They love each other.
0:31:10 > 0:31:12- Don't be childish. - Come on, it's hilarious.
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- Stop them.- Oh, come on. - How old are you?
0:31:15 > 0:31:19- Come on, they're loving it. Look at them.- Give me those.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:33 > 0:31:34I'd like to introduce...
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Well, I'd like to introduce Lenny Bruce but he's long dead.
0:31:39 > 0:31:44But instead I'm delighted to introduce one of the funniest women in Edinburgh this year,
0:31:44 > 0:31:50and indeed in the world, as you're about to find out, as we welcome to the stage Josie Long.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:31:59 > 0:32:03Hello, hello. This is a bit high. Give me 10 seconds.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Then I'm going to entertain you so hard.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Good. Hi! There we go. That's perfect.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13I'm going to take it out now anyway, so what's the point?
0:32:13 > 0:32:16Well, that's life, innit?
0:32:16 > 0:32:19What I'm going to do for you today is open with a song
0:32:19 > 0:32:22because I've got the band. Be a good start.
0:32:22 > 0:32:26Then I've got the letters of Charles Darwin that I thought I'd read out for you.
0:32:26 > 0:32:28LAUGHTER
0:32:28 > 0:32:31Evolution fans down the front.
0:32:31 > 0:32:33Not so much at the back. That's fine.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I like to do a lot of different types of thing.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38I like to think of myself as a Renaissance woman,
0:32:38 > 0:32:43insofar as I'm a little bit chubby and I like LYING AROUND IN THE NUDE!
0:32:43 > 0:32:48Basically this is a song about how I have problems differentiating
0:32:48 > 0:32:52between a thing that's sort of similar but not entirely identical.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54- OK. Shall we do it?- Mm.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Wait, before we start.
0:32:57 > 0:33:01I love to sing but I'm not a natural singer.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02LAUGHTER
0:33:02 > 0:33:07I just think, please, it's my last chance. Please, Simon. Please.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11I've failed at everything else, Simon. Please.
0:33:11 > 0:33:16"She's 19, Simon. She's failed at everything. Please."
0:33:16 > 0:33:18I know, I'm not 19. OK.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21Let's do it.
0:33:21 > 0:33:23JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:33:26 > 0:33:30Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to sing you a song about two similar
0:33:30 > 0:33:33but not entirely identical things.
0:33:35 > 0:33:39And how you might differentiate between the two of them.
0:33:43 > 0:33:48# Let me tell you... # I love to sing, I love to sing!
0:33:51 > 0:33:54# One of them is into it
0:33:54 > 0:33:58- # The other not so much - Not so much
0:33:58 > 0:34:02- # One of them enjoys himself - Enjoys himself
0:34:02 > 0:34:06# The other longs for death
0:34:06 > 0:34:10# One of them, he loves to dance
0:34:10 > 0:34:11# The other thinks
0:34:11 > 0:34:14# Is it too late for university?
0:34:16 > 0:34:19- # Talking about Jedward- Jedward
0:34:21 > 0:34:23- # Jedward - Jedward
0:34:23 > 0:34:26- # I'm talking about Jedward - Jedward
0:34:27 > 0:34:31# That's what I'm talking about. # I just enjoy it.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35- MUSIC STOPS - I'm serious, if you look at them,
0:34:35 > 0:34:39it really is the case, because if you look at John,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42John's always like, "Hey, everything's great, yeah."
0:34:42 > 0:34:46- MUSIC JANGLES - What is that?
0:34:46 > 0:34:47LAUGHTER
0:34:47 > 0:34:50OK, and if you look at Edward, Edward's like...
0:34:51 > 0:34:54PIANIST PLAYS SINGLE NOTES
0:34:54 > 0:34:57"I wanted to be a surgeon."
0:34:57 > 0:35:01MUSIC PICKS UP AGAIN
0:35:03 > 0:35:10"John. John. When can we stop this?"
0:35:14 > 0:35:18- MUSIC STOPS - "When I am dead, Edward."
0:35:18 > 0:35:20MUSIC STARTS
0:35:22 > 0:35:28- MUSIC STOPS - "Would you kill your own twin for your freedom, Edward?"
0:35:28 > 0:35:30MUSIC STARTS
0:35:32 > 0:35:37- MUSIC STOPS - "Why are you blocking your thoughts from me, Edward?"
0:35:37 > 0:35:38MUSIC STARTS
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- MUSIC STOPS - Ha! That was too early!
0:35:43 > 0:35:45"Why are you thinking of a brick wall, Edward?"
0:35:45 > 0:35:48I mean, admittedly I messed up the last bit
0:35:48 > 0:35:51but that's what I think about Jedward.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- Do you want a big finish?- Yeah.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57# Talking about Jedward right now. #
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- DRUM ROLL AND TRUMPET - That's what we're talking about.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02APPLAUSE
0:36:02 > 0:36:06Thank you very much. Oh, they're so talented. How do they do it?
0:36:06 > 0:36:08It's like they know.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12You just have to wave your hand at them and they stop and start.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14So that's my song.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17The next bit was letters from Charles Darwin, wasn't it?
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Somebody gave me this book of letters
0:36:20 > 0:36:24that Charles Darwin wrote home when he was going around the Galapagos Islands.
0:36:24 > 0:36:28Before I got this book, my main opinions of Charles Darwin were like,
0:36:28 > 0:36:32- AS A MAN:- He's from Bromley, he's got a beard, he's got to be all right.
0:36:32 > 0:36:33I'm from Bromley.
0:36:33 > 0:36:38- AS A MAN:- Got to be all right. Beards, lovely. Bromley, Bromley! You know.
0:36:38 > 0:36:42He wrote to his friend Henslow as he was forming his theories of evolution.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44That's all you need to know, so here we go.
0:36:44 > 0:36:49- Do you want music?- Sorry?- Do you want any music?- Yeah, I reckon.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Could you do me something sort of sedate?
0:36:52 > 0:36:56Almost like dur-dur-dur. Like that?
0:36:56 > 0:36:58HE PLAYS THE TUNE SHE HUMMED
0:36:58 > 0:37:01Exactly what I sang! No, no, no.
0:37:01 > 0:37:06Like a gentle harpsichord, Royal Tenenbaums kind of thing.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09- No big deal. I like Wes Anderson. - GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
0:37:09 > 0:37:12That's very good. That's very good. OK.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17January 28th, my dear Henslow,
0:37:18 > 0:37:22this morning we docked at a new island
0:37:22 > 0:37:25and as we disembarked the vessel we encountered some turtles.
0:37:25 > 0:37:30I saw one of them had markings upon its back which I found to be most unusual.
0:37:30 > 0:37:35I remarked upon this to my guide and he informed me that these turtles
0:37:35 > 0:37:40are native to this island, and this island alone.
0:37:41 > 0:37:44So I ate it.
0:37:44 > 0:37:46LAUGHTER
0:37:49 > 0:37:53February 5th. My dear Henslow,
0:37:53 > 0:37:58this afternoon as I sat writing in my journal, I was sat on the beach.
0:37:58 > 0:38:02In the corner of one of my eyes as I wrote furiously,
0:38:02 > 0:38:05I saw a giant lizard walking along the sea's edge.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I began to stare at it.
0:38:07 > 0:38:11I concluded it was a salamander some two metres in length.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13What a giant, proud beast it was.
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Oh, thought I, what a thing it would be to see such a beast up close
0:38:16 > 0:38:19but surely such a beast would be too frightened to approach me.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22No sooner had I thought this thought,
0:38:22 > 0:38:26that the beast indeed began to approach me, slowly, steadfastly,
0:38:26 > 0:38:27but all the same with sureness.
0:38:27 > 0:38:31Oh, thought I, what a shame such a beast would not come close enough
0:38:31 > 0:38:33to allow me to see it closely and perhaps even touch it.
0:38:33 > 0:38:38But no sooner had I thought this thought than the beast approached me to within my arm's reach
0:38:38 > 0:38:42and allowed me to touch its head, leg and tail.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46So I wanged it into the sea!
0:38:46 > 0:38:48LAUGHTER
0:38:49 > 0:38:52After much spluttering, the beast recovered itself
0:38:52 > 0:38:56and, tentatively at first, brought its way back onto shore.
0:38:56 > 0:39:01Oh, thought I, what a shame it is that I should not get to see such a beast again.
0:39:01 > 0:39:06I have thrown away this opportunity for it should never approach me again after such treatment.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10No sooner had I thought this thought, than the beast began to approach me again
0:39:10 > 0:39:14as slowly and steadfastly as ever before. Oh, thought I,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17surely the beast will not allow me to touch it again,
0:39:17 > 0:39:20but no sooner had I thought this thought than the beast
0:39:20 > 0:39:23allowed me again to touch its head, leg and tail as if to suggest
0:39:23 > 0:39:28it had not encountered such treatment previously and did not expect it again.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32So I wanged it into the sea again! This time I wanged it much harder.
0:39:32 > 0:39:37The first time I was like, "Whatever, if you come near me I'll wang you into the sea."
0:39:37 > 0:39:41That's my catchphrase. If I see a thing I've got to wang that thing right into the sea.
0:39:41 > 0:39:44It's how I roll. Everybody knows that about me.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47That's the second thing about me after the Bromley thing.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50It comes back. I wang it into the sea.
0:39:50 > 0:39:54Three hours I was there. Every time it would come back,
0:39:54 > 0:39:57I'd be like, "Oh, you want some more of this little man?
0:39:57 > 0:40:00"By all means, I've got plenty. I've got it in the pantry.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03"There could be a nuclear holocaust, mate,
0:40:03 > 0:40:07"and I'd have enough of this backed up to wang you into the sea.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10"I will wang you until you are no longer wangable.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12"Come back, you'll get wanged into the sea again.
0:40:12 > 0:40:17"That is what's going to happen this afternoon. Wang, wang, wang."
0:40:19 > 0:40:21And then I ate it.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22LAUGHTER
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Goodbye.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26APPLAUSE
0:40:26 > 0:40:29Josie! Here he is, Sammy J.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31NOSTALGIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:40:35 > 0:40:40# When Grandma died, my father drove us to her house to clean it up
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# And sort possessions into piles
0:40:43 > 0:40:47# Things to keep and things to chuck away
0:40:47 > 0:40:50# And Saturday became a whole weekend
0:40:50 > 0:40:53# As we would stop to read her letters
0:40:53 > 0:40:56# Look at photos like we were getting to know her
0:40:56 > 0:40:58# And I can't help but feel
0:40:58 > 0:41:03# That my grandkids won't treat me with such respect when I go
0:41:03 > 0:41:07# There'll be no box of photo albums to collect
0:41:07 > 0:41:10# Just a hard drive full of folders
0:41:10 > 0:41:12# And in the folders there's be files
0:41:12 > 0:41:16# And if they double-click those files they'll see me
0:41:17 > 0:41:21# But there'll be no heavy lifting so there'll be no nostalgic sifting
0:41:21 > 0:41:25# Through my life because I can see now
0:41:25 > 0:41:27FASTER MUSIC
0:41:27 > 0:41:31# When my life is completed I'll be deleted
0:41:31 > 0:41:33# Click one button There goes Grandad
0:41:33 > 0:41:35# Now it's time for brunch
0:41:35 > 0:41:38# Every e-mail sent Every iCal event
0:41:38 > 0:41:42# But future grandkids give me a chance
0:41:42 > 0:41:47# Just treat that hard drive like my house and walk in through the door
0:41:47 > 0:41:49# Watch your step The desktop's messy
0:41:49 > 0:41:51# And my junk's all on the floor
0:41:51 > 0:41:54# But keep on going to the study
0:41:54 > 0:41:56# Then in the bottom drawer
0:41:56 > 0:42:00# You'll find pictures that tell my story
0:42:00 > 0:42:02# Like the one of me and Keith in France
0:42:02 > 0:42:05# With a croissant in my pants that looks like a penis
0:42:07 > 0:42:09# Good times
0:42:09 > 0:42:12# Or the one of me and Hannah in North Queensland
0:42:12 > 0:42:15# Sitting inside a fibreglass orange and trying not to laugh
0:42:15 > 0:42:20# Cos the guy who built the fibreglass orange was taking the photo for us
0:42:20 > 0:42:22# And he seemed so proud and we felt so bad
0:42:22 > 0:42:25# Cos up until the moment he'd approached us
0:42:25 > 0:42:27# We'd been standing there taking the piss
0:42:27 > 0:42:29# Cos it looked nothing like an orange
0:42:29 > 0:42:31# We thought it was an armadillo
0:42:31 > 0:42:34# OK, I confess you had to be there
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# And to you it might seem boring but I guess
0:42:37 > 0:42:41# I still thought 20 gig of JPEGs were worth storing
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# Cos someone someday might care that their grandad once stood there
0:42:44 > 0:42:48# On the Champs Elysee with a croissant in his pants
0:42:49 > 0:42:53# But because they're not collated in an album laminated
0:42:53 > 0:42:56# To protect the tears that fall
0:42:56 > 0:42:58# Will there be any tears at all?
0:42:58 > 0:43:02# Then open up my inbox and try to understand
0:43:02 > 0:43:05# That's a lifetime's correspondence
0:43:05 > 0:43:08# That you're holding in your hand
0:43:08 > 0:43:12# Every YouTube link I sent Every eBay bid recorded
0:43:12 > 0:43:15# Every e-mail that's meant to be for someone
0:43:15 > 0:43:18# But got forwarded accidentally
0:43:18 > 0:43:20# Cos some dickhead pressed reply all
0:43:20 > 0:43:23# So that 20 people now know
0:43:23 > 0:43:28# That I think I'm being overcharged by my graphic designer
0:43:28 > 0:43:32# And one of those 20 people is my graphic designer
0:43:32 > 0:43:36# And you might like to read your grandad's grovelling reply
0:43:36 > 0:43:39# In which he tries to walk the fine line
0:43:39 > 0:43:42# Between apologising and blaming someone else
0:43:42 > 0:43:47# And that's just one of many thousand conversations you'll find there
0:43:47 > 0:43:50# But you won't bother You won't care, I know
0:43:50 > 0:43:51# You'll just press delete
0:43:51 > 0:43:53# A lifetime on earth Delete
0:43:53 > 0:43:55# So that's what I'm worth
0:43:55 > 0:43:58# Just hold down alt-delete-control And format my heart and soul
0:43:58 > 0:44:01# And grandkids I know you can hear me now
0:44:01 > 0:44:04# Because I'm giving this song to my lawyer
0:44:04 > 0:44:07# To play to you when you ask about my will
0:44:07 > 0:44:10# Cos you won't get anything until
0:44:10 > 0:44:14# You've opened every file And that could take a while
0:44:14 > 0:44:16# Because my iTunes library
0:44:16 > 0:44:20# Will bear witness to my flagrant disregard for copyright
0:44:20 > 0:44:22# And the toolbar at the bottom
0:44:22 > 0:44:25# Indicates that it will take you 16 days
0:44:25 > 0:44:27# To get through all my random songs
0:44:27 > 0:44:29# Like Do The Bartman
0:44:29 > 0:44:30# And the instrumental album
0:44:30 > 0:44:33# That's inspired by the music from The Lion King
0:44:33 > 0:44:36# It's not actually the music from The Lion King
0:44:36 > 0:44:38# Just inspired by it
0:44:38 > 0:44:40# I don't know why I bought it
0:44:40 > 0:44:43# I never listen to it but I hope that you enjoy it
0:44:43 > 0:44:47# And that song Tubthumping by that band Chumbawamba
0:44:47 > 0:44:51# That's the sort of crap your grandad liked when he was younger
0:44:51 > 0:44:54# He synced it to his iPhone like all his generation
0:44:54 > 0:44:59# Long before they started dying out from iPhone radiation
0:45:00 > 0:45:02# Oh, I just remembered
0:45:02 > 0:45:07# If you come across a folder marked home movies, best avoid that
0:45:07 > 0:45:11# Your grandma and I were young and that led to you
0:45:11 > 0:45:13# So show some respect
0:45:13 > 0:45:16# Don't eject me, no
0:45:16 > 0:45:19# And please don't press delete. #
0:45:19 > 0:45:20APPLAUSE
0:45:20 > 0:45:22Thanks, guys. Cheers.
0:45:25 > 0:45:27Sammy J!
0:45:27 > 0:45:32Now please give a big round of applause. From Australia, it's Sam Simmons!
0:45:32 > 0:45:34APPLAUSE
0:45:40 > 0:45:44All right, let's do this nice and loud.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
0:45:51 > 0:45:53TRUMPETS PLAY
0:45:55 > 0:46:00I'm going to play a gameshow inside my own mind. You can't play.
0:46:00 > 0:46:04It's a gameshow in my mind beginning now.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07GAMESHOW JINGLE PLAYS
0:46:09 > 0:46:12'Question number one. What are baby whales called?'
0:46:12 > 0:46:13Sardines.
0:46:13 > 0:46:15DING!
0:46:16 > 0:46:19'Question number two. Is it wrong to feed a cat Viennetta?'
0:46:19 > 0:46:21Not if you're a millionaire!
0:46:21 > 0:46:22DING!
0:46:23 > 0:46:28'Question number 17. Pick the odd one out. Philip, Janine, Peter or Margaret?'
0:46:28 > 0:46:30- Janine. - BUZZ!
0:46:30 > 0:46:34- 'No, it's Philip because he's only got one arm.' - How the fuck would I know?
0:46:36 > 0:46:40'Question number 45. What is 14 plus 22?'
0:46:40 > 0:46:4136.
0:46:41 > 0:46:43'No, the answer is maths.'
0:46:43 > 0:46:44BUZZ!
0:46:44 > 0:46:49'Now it's time for everybody's second favourite game. Carpet Or Floor.'
0:46:49 > 0:46:52ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:46:55 > 0:46:57# Carpet Or Floor
0:47:11 > 0:47:13# Carpet Or Floor. #
0:47:14 > 0:47:16BUZZ!
0:47:16 > 0:47:19Meanwhile in Portugal, Raul is learning to clap.
0:47:19 > 0:47:22He's trying his best.
0:47:22 > 0:47:23CLAPPING
0:47:23 > 0:47:24MUSIC PLAYS
0:47:24 > 0:47:26CLAPPING
0:47:26 > 0:47:27MUSIC PLAYS
0:47:27 > 0:47:28CLAPPING
0:47:28 > 0:47:30Fuck!
0:47:30 > 0:47:32'Question number 56.
0:47:32 > 0:47:36'Is it me but are Glenn Close and Meryl Streep the same person?'
0:47:36 > 0:47:37RUSHING NOISE
0:47:37 > 0:47:39BEEP!
0:47:39 > 0:47:41CAT MIAOWS
0:47:41 > 0:47:43HE HISSES
0:47:43 > 0:47:45MEOWING AND HISSING CONTINUE
0:47:47 > 0:47:48DING!
0:47:48 > 0:47:52In Mexico, some people in the village think that Pablo is a weirdo.
0:47:52 > 0:47:54ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:47:54 > 0:47:56WOLF WHISTLES
0:48:05 > 0:48:07BEEP!
0:48:07 > 0:48:09Sam Simmons, there he is.
0:48:09 > 0:48:11So this is our debut single,
0:48:11 > 0:48:14a debut single which we're going to release in winter 2016.
0:48:14 > 0:48:19We're aiming for the Easter number one slot in 2017,
0:48:19 > 0:48:21the coveted Easter number one slot.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25It's quite a tender song. If you know it, do join in.
0:48:25 > 0:48:27FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS
0:48:31 > 0:48:33# Monday
0:48:33 > 0:48:35# Tuesday
0:48:35 > 0:48:37# Wednesday
0:48:38 > 0:48:41# Thursday. # He knows it!
0:48:41 > 0:48:46# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. # OK, second verse.
0:48:46 > 0:48:48# Monday. # It's quite similar.
0:48:48 > 0:48:50# Tuesday. # It's a bit more heartfelt.
0:48:50 > 0:48:52# Wednesday
0:48:52 > 0:48:55# Thursday
0:48:55 > 0:48:57# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. #
0:48:57 > 0:49:00Now it's French with a key change.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02# Lundi
0:49:02 > 0:49:04# Mardi. # Oui! Bonjour.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06# Mercredi
0:49:06 > 0:49:09# Jeudi. # Baguette!
0:49:09 > 0:49:11# Vendredi, samedi, dimanche. #
0:49:11 > 0:49:14Now it's in German! Up again.
0:49:14 > 0:49:15# Montag
0:49:15 > 0:49:18# Dienstag. # Then my favourite.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20# Mittwoch
0:49:20 > 0:49:22# Donnerstag
0:49:22 > 0:49:25# Freitag, Samstag, Sonntag. #
0:49:25 > 0:49:29Now everybody, Japanese! # Getsuyobi
0:49:29 > 0:49:31# Kayobi. # Everyone!
0:49:31 > 0:49:33LAUGHTER
0:49:33 > 0:49:34Very good.
0:49:34 > 0:49:36# Mokuyobi, obviously
0:49:36 > 0:49:39# Kin'yobi, doyobi, nichiyobi. #
0:49:39 > 0:49:41Last time back in English!
0:49:41 > 0:49:43# Monday
0:49:43 > 0:49:45# Tuesday
0:49:45 > 0:49:47# Wednesday
0:49:47 > 0:49:50# Thursday. # Last time!
0:49:50 > 0:49:53# Friday, Saturday, Sunday. #
0:49:53 > 0:49:56Oh, those were the days.
0:49:56 > 0:49:58It's a nostalgic song, a nostalgic song.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00Thank you. That's us.
0:50:02 > 0:50:05So closing tonight's show,
0:50:05 > 0:50:09he won the Big Comedy Award a couple of years ago, he is a class act.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11He is David O'Doherty.
0:50:15 > 0:50:17MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYS
0:50:17 > 0:50:19# I grew up thinking
0:50:19 > 0:50:22# I was just an ordinary kid
0:50:23 > 0:50:29# Just doing things ordinary kids did
0:50:29 > 0:50:35# But years passed me and I began to see certain strange abilities
0:50:35 > 0:50:40# I'm not a hero but I'm not a freak, freak, freak
0:50:40 > 0:50:42FASTER MUSIC
0:50:42 > 0:50:47# I just have very mild superpowers
0:50:47 > 0:50:50# Very mild superpowers
0:50:50 > 0:50:54# Like sometimes when I'm cycling with headphones on
0:50:54 > 0:50:57# I can predict exactly where I'll be at the end of a song
0:50:57 > 0:51:01# Very mild superpowers
0:51:01 > 0:51:04# Frequently in kitchens where I've never been
0:51:04 > 0:51:08# I can sense the location of the cups and crockery
0:51:08 > 0:51:11# I'm talking about very mild superpowers
0:51:11 > 0:51:15# My legs aren't bionic My eyes aren't X-rays
0:51:15 > 0:51:19# But I'm a very good judge of whether things will fit through doorways
0:51:19 > 0:51:21# Sofas, tables in particular
0:51:21 > 0:51:23# But for every very mild superpower
0:51:23 > 0:51:27# There's also a very mild super weakness too
0:51:27 > 0:51:30# I get nauseous around the smell of bins
0:51:30 > 0:51:33# I'm afraid of certain shop mannequins
0:51:35 > 0:51:39# I hate the cheese that's individually sliced and vacuum-wrapped in plastic
0:51:39 > 0:51:42# I can never tell when people are being sarcastic. #
0:51:42 > 0:51:45'Oh, Dave, I really like that song.'
0:51:45 > 0:51:46Do you?
0:51:48 > 0:51:49'No.'
0:51:50 > 0:51:53Maybe it's just because you fear...
0:51:53 > 0:51:55# My very mild superpowers
0:51:55 > 0:51:59# Look, I'm not a mutant I'm just a man
0:51:59 > 0:52:03# A man who happens to be frighteningly good at getting
0:52:03 > 0:52:06# Broken pens to work...again
0:52:06 > 0:52:09CHEERING
0:52:09 > 0:52:10Thank you.
0:52:15 > 0:52:20Sure, these are grim economic times,
0:52:20 > 0:52:24it's just important to remember it's not the end of the world, you know.
0:52:24 > 0:52:26It's a recession
0:52:26 > 0:52:29but we've all lived through several recessi in the past.
0:52:29 > 0:52:36It's important just to remember it's still possible to find joy even in the darkest places.
0:52:36 > 0:52:39My friend got the final warning from the gas company recently,
0:52:39 > 0:52:43which is a three-paragraph letter designed to put the shits is up you
0:52:43 > 0:52:45with a fake signature laser-printed upon it.
0:52:45 > 0:52:47Oh, my God, they mean business.
0:52:47 > 0:52:50How does he keep such a steady hand at a time like this?
0:52:50 > 0:52:54But what removed any tension from her whatsoever
0:52:54 > 0:52:57was the headline across the top of the letter in bold writing,
0:52:57 > 0:53:01because that just said, "Your balance is outstanding"!
0:53:01 > 0:53:02LAUGHTER
0:53:02 > 0:53:07And it's impossible to look at that and not think, "Oh, I thank you."
0:53:07 > 0:53:14You just have to ask yourself where you find joy in the world and just follow that.
0:53:14 > 0:53:20I get so much joy just from imagining doing things I will never have the guts to do.
0:53:20 > 0:53:25I love the idea of going to Cats, the musical, in a dog costume.
0:53:27 > 0:53:31There's one on aeroplanes that I nearly have the guts to do but not quite
0:53:31 > 0:53:34and that's to slightly overreact to the pre-flight announcement.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38Just sitting beside a stranger, completely silent,
0:53:38 > 0:53:42just wait until the captain's name is announced. "Oh, yes!
0:53:42 > 0:53:46"Legend. Legend! Top five, top five."
0:53:48 > 0:53:54And then just go silent just until the co-pilot's name is announced and be like, "Oh, shit.
0:53:54 > 0:53:57"You killed my father. You will not take my life!"
0:53:57 > 0:54:01My friend recently carried out one of the greatest pranks
0:54:01 > 0:54:04that has ever been carried out in the history of pranking.
0:54:04 > 0:54:08He was at the cinema with his good lady. They had been going out for some time.
0:54:08 > 0:54:11This isn't as sleazy as it might sound at first.
0:54:11 > 0:54:17He decided to place his man wanger up through the bottom of the box of popcorn,
0:54:17 > 0:54:20which is a classic
0:54:20 > 0:54:23and 50% of you have considered doing it at some stage.
0:54:23 > 0:54:29I certainly have and in my mind it's always seemed like such a straightforward prank.
0:54:29 > 0:54:34It's just a question of yoik, and then, "Could I interest you in some popcorn, my darling?"
0:54:34 > 0:54:37"Oh, yes." Rummage, rummage.
0:54:37 > 0:54:40"Ah! You are so romantic." Mwah, mwah.
0:54:40 > 0:54:44Reality, it turns out, is starkly different.
0:54:44 > 0:54:48Problem one, contemporary cinema popcorn, as we all know,
0:54:48 > 0:54:51comes in, like, a wastepaper basket that's about that size
0:54:51 > 0:54:56so having entered the box, he then had to eat his way down for a foot and a half.
0:54:56 > 0:54:57"Arg, arg."
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Problem two is much worse.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03Contemporary cinema popcorn is highly over-salted.
0:55:03 > 0:55:09So all this time he was basically pickling his own unit.
0:55:10 > 0:55:12A thousand years after his death,
0:55:12 > 0:55:15his wanger will be found perfectly preserved.
0:55:15 > 0:55:18Someone will take it on the Antiques Roadshow.
0:55:18 > 0:55:21"Looks like a ceremonial flute of some kind."
0:55:21 > 0:55:23Well, to some extent...
0:55:23 > 0:55:27My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of a long time
0:55:27 > 0:55:31and I tried to write a song to cheer him up. I'll leave you with this. Thank you.
0:55:31 > 0:55:32MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYS
0:55:34 > 0:55:37# There's no point in telling you to delete her number
0:55:37 > 0:55:38# Cos you won't
0:55:38 > 0:55:42# And anyway you probably know it off by heart from staring at it like a dick
0:55:43 > 0:55:46# Just don't ring it You're not allowed
0:55:46 > 0:55:49# You've nothing new to say
0:55:49 > 0:55:52# You've to try to think about other things
0:55:52 > 0:55:56# In about two weeks you will start to feel OK
0:55:56 > 0:55:58# Go to IKEA
0:55:58 > 0:56:01# Buy yourself a whiteboard
0:56:01 > 0:56:05# Get the special IKEA whiteboard markers with it too
0:56:05 > 0:56:08# Then when you get it home
0:56:08 > 0:56:12# Immediately take it back to IKEA again
0:56:12 > 0:56:15# Nobody needs a fucking whiteboard
0:56:15 > 0:56:19# Seriously, what is the fridge if not just a big whiteboard?
0:56:19 > 0:56:22# Exchange it for bath mats or something that you might actually use
0:56:22 > 0:56:27# Now there's one afternoon gone Only about 13 more shitty ones to go
0:56:28 > 0:56:30# Don't listen to music
0:56:30 > 0:56:33# Or at least only instrumental music
0:56:33 > 0:56:38# Or music with lyrics with no emotional impact whatsoever
0:56:38 > 0:56:42# World Cup songs
0:56:42 > 0:56:45# It Wasn't Me by Shaggy
0:56:45 > 0:56:48# Who Let The Dogs Out?
0:56:48 > 0:56:52# Actually that's inappropriate cos in the end she took your dog
0:56:54 > 0:56:57# Go and visit elderly neighbours
0:56:57 > 0:56:59# Ask them about the war
0:56:59 > 0:57:00# Or how cold it used to be
0:57:00 > 0:57:04# Or the first time they saw a television or a pineapple
0:57:07 > 0:57:09# Perspective
0:57:09 > 0:57:13# Try and do things, you know, where you move around a bit
0:57:13 > 0:57:15# Go for a walk by the canal
0:57:15 > 0:57:18# Well, how was I to know that's where you met?
0:57:18 > 0:57:20# Then go for a run by the sea
0:57:20 > 0:57:23# Oh, that's where she broke up with you
0:57:23 > 0:57:26# Well, go there anyway
0:57:26 > 0:57:29# She can't have the sea
0:57:29 > 0:57:32# It's 60% of the planet
0:57:32 > 0:57:36# You have to take the fucking sea back
0:57:36 > 0:57:39# If you really need to think about her
0:57:39 > 0:57:42# Try and focus on the bad stuff
0:57:42 > 0:57:45# Her voice was actually pretty monotone
0:57:45 > 0:57:48# I think she had contact lenses
0:57:48 > 0:57:51# You wear glasses
0:57:51 > 0:57:55# That means your babies would have had flippers
0:57:55 > 0:57:57LAUGHTER
0:57:57 > 0:58:01# There was definitely a time before you met her when you used to be OK
0:58:01 > 0:58:06# Give it about two weeks and you'll be starting to feel that way
0:58:08 > 0:58:10Thank you very much.
0:58:10 > 0:58:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:58:17 > 0:58:19David O'Doherty there!
0:58:20 > 0:58:23We have reached the end of the evening.
0:58:23 > 0:58:27Let me leave you and say goodbye with two little final thoughts.
0:58:27 > 0:58:32If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
0:58:32 > 0:58:34LAUGHTER
0:58:34 > 0:58:38And always, always remember the words of Lothian Council.
0:58:38 > 0:58:42Tuesdays and Fridays are rubbish days.
0:58:42 > 0:58:44LAUGHTER
0:58:44 > 0:58:48See you again sometime. Farewell.
0:58:48 > 0:58:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:59:00 > 0:59:04Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:59:04 > 0:59:08E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk