0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains strong language.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:13 > 0:00:17MUSIC: THEME FROM "2001: A Space Odyssey"
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:20There's no doubt that John Bishop's one of the all-time greats.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24I mean, talent, ability, quality, pace, vision, awareness, unsurpassed.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26He's England's answer to Maradona.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28You should see him at the England camps.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32He's absolutely fantastic - unbelievable. What an influence he had on the camp.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36I've got a lot to thank John Bishop for.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41People keep telling me I only play for Liverpool because I look like him, so I've a lot to thank him for.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I've learned a lot from him in the games that we've played.
0:01:44 > 0:01:50And, er, a big influence on my game and my career. Without him, I don't think I'd be playing for Liverpool.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Welcome to Liverpool, John. How does it feel?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yeah, you know, it's always great.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59The thing is with the rotation policy that the boss has got,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03people keep on suggesting that he's doing things wrong.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I know, today, the fact that he's only playing me
0:02:06 > 0:02:09is a different formation than most people would have.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13I know they'd probably have a 4-4-2, we're just having one.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17But last time we did that against Man United, two weeks ago, we won 4-0.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22I was obviously pleased to score all four goals and to make all four goals
0:02:22 > 0:02:24and to save the penalty.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27But it's not about me, really. It's about the club. All right?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Cheers, lads.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Incredible. I remember seeing John Bishop come into the Academy one day.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39You know when you look at a lad and you think, "He just looks a player.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41"He oozes class." That's what John was like.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45As soon as he come into the Academy you're looking at him, thinking,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"If he can play as well as he looks, you've got a gem on your hand."
0:02:48 > 0:02:53He could be one of the legends to go along with Kenny Dalglish, Kevin Keegan.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54John Bishop's one of those players.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58John Bishop is the best Liverpool player I've ever seen.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Still a down-to-earth guy, as well.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Very generous, lets me clean his boots.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Definitely the best football player I've ever seen.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10CROWD ON VIDEO: # Walk on through the rain
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Though your dreams
0:03:13 > 0:03:19# Be tossed and blown
0:03:19 > 0:03:24# Walk on, walk on
0:03:24 > 0:03:28# With hope in your heart
0:03:28 > 0:03:36# And you'll never walk alone
0:03:36 > 0:03:42# You'll never walk alone. #
0:03:42 > 0:03:47It's the first time the Kop End will get a look at its captain, John Bishop.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50And its captain, John Bishop, will say hello to them.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The affection is mutual between the two.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57There is no other cathedral of football like Anfield
0:03:57 > 0:03:58anywhere in the world.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03And this cathedral has its very own "Bishop".
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Now then, Bishop.
0:04:08 > 0:04:13Hunting, getting, scoring! Bishop with the first of the evening.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19The touch, The kiss, the affection, the noise.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Here's Bishop.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Still has it. Look at the balance, look at the poise.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Is there a finish at the end of it?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Yes, there is.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33He's doubled his money.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's two for Bishop.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Celebrating in front of the fans who adore him.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Lovely track. Nice balance.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46It's a hat-trick for John Bishop.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It's another match ball in his burgeoning collection.
0:04:49 > 0:04:55And even in a moment of glory, he still has time for others.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Typical of the man.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00John Bishop is the best player I have ever played with.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And he was a great influence in the club.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Right. Do it again.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- BLEEP- off. That was it!
0:05:05 > 0:05:12# You'll never walk
0:05:12 > 0:05:16# Alone. #
0:05:16 > 0:05:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Thank you!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How are you?
0:05:57 > 0:05:58CHEERING
0:06:00 > 0:06:06Now this show's called Elvis Has Left The Building.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10Now, I'm sure some of you didn't even know what it was called, but that's what it's called.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13It's got a name. It's called Elvis Has Left The Building,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15so before we start I've got to explain to you
0:06:15 > 0:06:17why it's called Elvis Has Left The Building.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21It's called Elvis Has Left The Building for a reason.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I had to call it something.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26That's the main reason. I had to call it something.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Cos last year I was going up to the Edinburgh Festival and I...
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Has anyone been? You've been? Yeah, yeah.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Well, if you've been to the Edinburgh Festival, you know what it's like.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40It's very competitive. You know, it's like the Olympics for comedians.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Comedians go up to Edinburgh for the whole of August.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46You've got to try and think of something to make people come to your show.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And one of the things that'll attract them is a good title.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54And this was going to be my third time as a professional comedian going to the Edinburgh Festival.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Honestly, you get a real sense of where you stand
0:06:57 > 0:07:00as a professional comedian when you do the Edinburgh Festival.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You get a real sense of where you stand on the hierarchy of comedy.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06And the first time I went up as a professional,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10I got a sense of where I stood when I turned up to do a gig one night.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You have to do an hour. I turned up.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Six people were in the audience.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Six. That's all who turned up.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23Six people. I had to do an hour's comedy to six people.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27I mean, some of them were fat so it felt like more, but still...
0:07:29 > 0:07:34There's still only six heads in the audience. I'd left me job to become a professional comedian.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I could only attract six people in the audience.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42The following day, my agent said she wanted to have lunch with all the acts that she had up there,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and she had some really big acts.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47She had a lad called Jason Manford, who I'm sure you all know.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50She had a lad called Mark Watson, who's massive - really great in Edinburgh.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55And another lad, Jason Byrne, an Irish comedian who's the biggest act in Edinburgh, fucking huge.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59So we sat there, we went out for lunch. We're like that.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02She said, "Listen, lads. I've just got your box office figures."
0:08:07 > 0:08:11She said to Jason Manford, who'd only just started the 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Jason, you know, it's made a massive difference.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"We thought we were taking a chance putting you in a 250-seater.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21"It was ridiculous! A 250-seater venue is no good for you.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25"You've sold out the first week, you've sold out the second week,
0:08:25 > 0:08:30looks like the third week's going to be sold out. They want extra shows. It's unbelievable. Well done."
0:08:30 > 0:08:33And everyone went, "Well done, Jason."
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- HE MUMBLES:- Fucking Manc. Fuck off. Fucking well done, Jason.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Then she turned to Mark Watson and said,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46"Mark, you've had a great run recently. Everyone loves you up here.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50"Putting you in a 400-seater venue seemed to make sense. Not any more.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53"We're only in the first week, sold out. Second week, sold out.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"Third week, sold out. You've sold out for the entire month.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"They want extra shows. They put two on, they've already sold out. Incredible.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05"Everyone wants to meet you. The press are going crazy for you." Everyone went, "Well done, Mark."
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Fuck off.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Not even fucking Welsh. Fucking...
0:09:13 > 0:09:16And then she turned to me.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The night before, I'd had six people in the audience.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24She turned to me, she said, "John, do you want to know your box office figures for tonight?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I said, "It's all right. Just tell me their names."
0:09:35 > 0:09:39So when I was going to go up last year, I thought, "I need to put some effort in.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44"I need to come up with a good title for the show. I need to do a good show. This is a big year for me."
0:09:44 > 0:09:49I had to submit the title for the show by January 29th.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54By January 28th last year, I still didn't know what to call the show.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58But I was saved because on January 28th last year...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03..I was the host...
0:10:03 > 0:10:07of the Kitchen Utensil Awards 2009.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08CHEERING
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Oh, yes!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Oh, yes. Living the dream.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23I don't know if anyone here went to the Kitchen Utensil Awards 2009,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26but what a night on the kitchen utensil calendar.
0:10:26 > 0:10:30It was unbelievable. I'll be honest with you - I quite like doing these awards.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32They always take the same format.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34They're always in a posh hotel.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38This was in the Dorchester Hotel in London, a five-star hotel in London.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42They're always a black-tie affair, so it's always the dickie-bow job.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And if you're like me and you grew up where I grew up
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and you find yourself in a five-star hotel in London,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52wearing a dickie bow but not serving potatoes...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56you can't help but think, "I've done all right, haven't I?"
0:10:56 > 0:11:00And they always take the same format, as well.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02The way they're structured is you go on the stage,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05do five or ten minutes' material about whatever industry it is,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10and I've got to be honest - in the world of kitchen utensils, that's harder than it sounds.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14There's only so many spatula jokes anyone can get away with.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17And then you host the awards.
0:11:17 > 0:11:2014 awards they had!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24The Kitchen Utensil Awards - 14 awards!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27How ridiculous. 14 awards!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Just think of your kitchen
0:11:29 > 0:11:34and try and think of 14 utensils you would give an award to.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37It was fucking ridiculous.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40It was just ridiculous!
0:11:40 > 0:11:44And the only reason that the numbers stood out to me, that there was 14 awards,
0:11:44 > 0:11:48is there was one particular company there called Rathbone's of Wolverhampton.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And Rathbone's of Wolverhampton must be a big player in the land of kitchen utensils,
0:11:52 > 0:11:58cos Rathbone's of Wolverhampton were nominated in virtually every category.
0:11:58 > 0:12:03They won fuck all, but they were nominated in virtually every category.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08And every time they were nominated, a huge cheer went up from the table where they were sat.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11There was 500 people in the room and where the Rathbone's table was,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15there was a huge cheer but they were winning nothing until the very end.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20And the very final award, which has got to be the most ridiculous award I've ever given anywhere,
0:12:20 > 0:12:23they were nominated again. Cos the final award was...
0:12:23 > 0:12:29the Best Handheld Kitchen Utensil 2009.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Which does beg the question - what else you going to hold it with?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38But at this point I thought, "I've give up hope." So I just read it out.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Again, Rathbone's of Wolverhampton were nominated -
0:12:42 > 0:12:44but the difference was this time, they won.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46A massive cheer went up,
0:12:46 > 0:12:52and then the fattest man you've ever seen wearing a dickie bow walked on the stage.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55You know when someone's that fat they've got two heads?
0:12:55 > 0:13:01They've got one head with the face on it and then another head around that head.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I couldn't even see his dickie bow. He was like that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06He comes walking onto the stage, this fella. Took him ages.
0:13:06 > 0:13:11He comes walking onto the stage. I'm expecting him to walk on the stage with an air of disappointment,
0:13:11 > 0:13:16you know what I mean? He's been nominated in virtually every category,
0:13:16 > 0:13:17he's only won one award.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19But what happened next was inspirational.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23He walked up to me, he shook me hand,
0:13:23 > 0:13:27and without an ounce of disappointment in his eyes he just looked at me and said,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"Do you know what, son?"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31He said, "This is the one we came for."
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I thought, "That is brilliant!"
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"I'm on a stage with a man living his dream. That's wonderful."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43He must have been sat with everyone else at the Rathbone's table.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47When they were nominated and not winning, he must have been going, "Hey, hey, hey, leave it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It's the handheld we've come for."
0:13:50 > 0:13:54I thought, "This is inspirational." The following day I had to come up with the title for the show.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00I was going to call the show Fat Man Wins An Award, cos I thought that was a lovely thing to happen.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Then what happens? He walks off the stage and then I'm left. And what happens?
0:14:04 > 0:14:08What always happens at these events. You know, you're no longer required.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I'm a spare part. Everyone ends up talking about work
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and, in their case, knives and forks. So...
0:14:14 > 0:14:18I've a room available to me upstairs in the Dorchester Hotel.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23I wasn't going to waste that, so I did what everyone in this room would do.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I nicked a bottle of wine off the table and I took it upstairs.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Now, I could have bought that bottle of wine. If I'd have asked for it,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I'm sure I would have been given that bottle of wine.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36But I think we all know, under those circumstances,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39it tastes better if you nick it.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51It's not thieving, it's the re-distribution of wealth.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56So I took it upstairs. I'm in my hotel room and this is where the title for the show came from.
0:14:56 > 0:15:02Cos I'm sat there, I was flicking through the channels on the television set in my hotel room,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm just flicking through the channels. I'm sat there drinking the wine.
0:15:05 > 0:15:11I'm in me underpants, cos it is a hotel telly - you don't know what's going to come on next, do you?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And you never get that long, do you?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15So I'm flicking through.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19It is the Dorchester, so I kept the dickie-bow on.
0:15:21 > 0:15:27And then as I'm flicking through, this documentary came on and it was all about Elvis Presley.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Now I've been an Elvis fan all of my life. I really have.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32And I would say in this room there are Elvis fans.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36I would say in this room, right now, probably 80% of the men
0:15:36 > 0:15:40have at least once in their life walked up to the bathroom mirror and gone...
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Just to see if you can, cos we all wanted to be a bit of Elvis
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and I've sung Elvis songs at karaoke and been booed off.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51But in my, heart I want to be Elvis.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53And so I'm mad on Elvis.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55There's a show on - a documentary about Elvis.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58It was called All The Things You Didn't Know About The King.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02It was just fact after fact after fact. I knew a lot of them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Some of them blew me away.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05The first fact that blew me away -
0:16:05 > 0:16:11it said when Elvis Presley died on August 16th 1977,
0:16:11 > 0:16:18there was exactly 147 registered Elvis impersonators
0:16:18 > 0:16:20in the whole of America.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22147.
0:16:23 > 0:16:2730 years later, in 2007,
0:16:27 > 0:16:33that number had grown to 415,000,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36such was the influence of the man.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39And then it said...
0:16:39 > 0:16:43if the rate of increase continues...
0:16:45 > 0:16:47..in 30 years' time,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51one in three people in America...
0:16:51 > 0:16:52LAUGHTER
0:16:52 > 0:16:54..will be Elvis Presley.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57APPLAUSE
0:17:01 > 0:17:04That has got to make the world a better place.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Imagine at McDonald's people going, "Thank you very much." I thought, "This is ace!"
0:17:08 > 0:17:13But it was the next fact that changed everything.
0:17:13 > 0:17:19When Elvis Presley died on August 16th 1977,
0:17:19 > 0:17:24he was ONLY 42 years of age.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And that hit me like a train.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Cos six weeks before,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- I- had just turned 42.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38And when you realise that you're the same age as the King Of Rock And Roll was when he died,
0:17:38 > 0:17:43it changes how you view the world, it changes your perspective on everything.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I didn't have a dump for four days!
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52It plays on your mind, it's like Russian roulette.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'm thinking, "I'll leave it," you know what I mean?
0:17:55 > 0:18:00I started saying to me missus, "Will you watch love, just in case something happens?"
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Cos all of a sudden, Elvis was the same age as me,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07so I understood things about Elvis I'd never understood in the past.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11I knew immediately why Elvis was fat.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I'd never understood why Elvis was fat,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15but now I knew why Elvis was fat.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Elvis was fat because he was a bloke over 40.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23And like every bloke over 40 knows, you just get fat.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28You just turn 40 and God starts taking the piss out of you and you get fat.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31You go to bed and wake up fatter than when you went to sleep.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34It's like God's going, "Have some fat, lad.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36"There you go, get some fat on you.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"Oh, are you losing your confidence around women?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"Here you go, have some fat. Get some here."
0:18:41 > 0:18:45You get fat where it's impossible to get fat. You get a fat back.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49How the fuck can anyone get a fat back? Me fucking back went fat!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52How did that happen? God's going, "Have some fat."
0:18:52 > 0:18:56It's like God's looking at you going, "Look at you, you're losing...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59"Look at you, you're over 40, you're losing the hair on your head.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"Here you are, tell you what, I'll stick it in your ears. There you go."
0:19:03 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:15No-one can explain why we get hairy ears.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17And why is it just men?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I've never met a woman with hairy ears
0:19:20 > 0:19:23and I've been to St Helens.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I'm always wary about that joke cos I know there's going to be
0:19:36 > 0:19:38a hairy-eared woman from St Helens.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"What do you fucking mean?!"
0:19:40 > 0:19:45But they don't get it! Why is it just us and why do you have it?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47You know, hair in your ears doesn't do a job.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50It doesn't keep words warm. It's not doing anything.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53You don't even know... I've never seen a man cultivate it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"This is handy, isn't it? I'll grow it over."
0:19:55 > 0:19:57You don't even know it's happening.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01It's absolutely horrible. That's when you know you're getting old.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05That day that you go to the same barber you've been going to for 15 years
0:20:05 > 0:20:11and then he cuts your hair and leans over at the end and goes, "Do you want me to do your ears?"
0:20:11 > 0:20:17"Fuck off!" Cos that's what happens all of a sudden.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Grooming becomes a big issue for you.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Your ears, your eyebrows - that's what happens.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Saturday night for men over 40 is grooming night.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31It used to be copping-off night in your 20s and your 30s. Well, not now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35In your 40s you think, "Great, Saturday night. X Factor's on,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"I'll get four cans, sit with me hands down me pants
0:20:38 > 0:20:41"and just pluck some hairs out of me nose."
0:20:44 > 0:20:50I swear to God I'd never plucked a single hair out me nose until I was 40. Never.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52But when you start you can't stop.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55And if you've seen them...!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Have you seen the length of them? I'm sure you pull one out your nose,
0:20:58 > 0:21:02you lose one in your arse. They're about that flipping long.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Sat there like that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09And we do... There's little things - you look in the Sunday papers,
0:21:09 > 0:21:13you get little clippers for here and clippers for there
0:21:13 > 0:21:16and clippers for there and you can employ a little midget
0:21:16 > 0:21:21to walk across your head. You can get anything, we do everything.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23We do total grooming now, men over 40.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Total groom except there. We don't do there.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27We do not do there. We leave here.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Men don't do there. We let there go wild.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33We think that's God's will. We leave all that.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Women, it's different. I know you have a little tidy up every now again
0:21:38 > 0:21:42and to be fair, I think we all appreciate it, lads, don't we?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44It's nice, it's nice and I know...
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Obviously it's handy you've got a little template to work to,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52but we don't. Men don't touch that and I think we need to.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57It's that last bastion of maleness we need to address. We need to have a little trim now and again.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00We do. Just tidy up, it's common sense.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04You have a trim now and again, it'll make your willy look bigger.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It's obvious. I tell you, there's this fallacy
0:22:07 > 0:22:11that black men have got bigger willies than white men and they haven't.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14They've just got a tight perm.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:25I love saying that joke.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29I love saying it cos every time I say it white men go, "I think he's got a point."
0:22:31 > 0:22:33And their wives are going, "No, he hasn't."
0:22:35 > 0:22:39But I did, I realised all of a sudden why Elvis was fat.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I thought, "That's not going to happen to me."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So what I did, the very next day, I went back to the gym.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Now I say I went BACK to the gym,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51cos I've had money going to the gym,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I've just not been accompanying the money.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58So I went back to the gym and I've got one of these gyms
0:22:58 > 0:23:02where it's got a fancy card to get in, you know, you swipe the card to get in.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07So I'm swiping this card to get in and it wouldn't let me in and obviously somewhere in the office
0:23:07 > 0:23:10the fat-bastard alarm must have gone off
0:23:10 > 0:23:14cos this fucking stick insect popped up from behind the reception.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Oh, you should have seen the state of her.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20If she wasn't working in a gym we'd have an appeal for her, know what I mean?
0:23:20 > 0:23:25And she popped up and she said, "I'm really sorry, Mr Bishop,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"but your card's not allowing you access to the gym
0:23:27 > 0:23:31"cos you haven't been to the gym for more than six months." I said, "So?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:36She said, "Our terms and conditions are if you haven't been to the gym for more than six months,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"you need another induction with our personal trainers."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I went, "Don't be... I don't need an induction."
0:23:42 > 0:23:44She said, "It's our terms and conditions."
0:23:44 > 0:23:48I said, "Listen, love, I don't need an induction. I know how the gym works.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52"I know if I come in, get on that boat, start rowing, I don't go anywhere. I know.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55"I've been disappointed in the past."
0:23:55 > 0:24:00She said, "Well, it's our terms and conditions that you need to have an induction."
0:24:00 > 0:24:02And I know why they've done it.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03They've done it, it's marketing.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Cos what they've realised in the gym is that men join gyms, but men don't go to gyms.
0:24:08 > 0:24:14Women go to gyms and there's a reason - cos gyms are communal places.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18There are other people there and men don't like that. Women do.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21If women go to a gym, you like the gym, you'll say, "This is a nice gym.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"I've been to a nice exercise class, I'll get my friends to come."
0:24:25 > 0:24:30She phones her friends and says, "Come to my gym, it's a lovely gym, it's got a great exercise class."
0:24:30 > 0:24:35And your friends will come to the same exercise class and you'll come out at the same time
0:24:35 > 0:24:40and you'll walk into the changing room at the same time, get undressed at the same time
0:24:40 > 0:24:44and walk in the showers at the same time and you'll wash each other's hair.
0:24:44 > 0:24:50I know it happens, I've seen it in the films, it happens in every single one.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55But for men, we don't like that, we don't like that communal aspect of it.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59We don't like it cos that means if we go to the gym when there's other people in the gym,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02we walk out of the gym when they walk out of the gym,
0:25:02 > 0:25:06we walk in the changing rooms when they walk in the changing rooms,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08we get undressed when they get undressed,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11which means they're going to look at our willies.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17Fact. Fact. Men don't like to admit it but in this room now, if we were naked,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20all the men would look at every other man's willy.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23No-one wants to admit it and I don't mean stare.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27You don't stare and you definitely don't point, definitely don't point.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31But it's a glance, it's an instinctive glance,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34like lions look at other lions to see who's got the biggest mane.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38They look, just a little glance. You just clock what's going on. Just a little...
0:25:38 > 0:25:43We are by nature, by instinct, cock-clockers - that's what men are.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47But if you know that'll go on, you're going to an environment,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50you don't know anyone, and they'll all look at your willy,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53that's a frightening thing, which is why men don't to the gym.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57It's also why men, when they do go to the gym, go swimming, play five-a-side,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00every man when he gets changed, before he'll walk anywhere,
0:26:00 > 0:26:03take your kit off, turn round, just have a little flick.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10That's why we all have that little flick, that kind of, "Come on, son. Wake up, come on.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"Come on, son. Don't let daddy down, come on."
0:26:19 > 0:26:26People watching. Obviously you've got to be careful you don't do it too much, I tell you that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28That doesn't half change the atmosphere!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30So I know that's what they're doing.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35They're doing this personal-training thing, so you'll buy more personal training.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I said, "I don't need a personal trainer."
0:26:37 > 0:26:41She said, "I can't let you in unless you have a session with a personal trainer,
0:26:41 > 0:26:46"and it just so happens one of our personal trainers, called Brad, is available now."
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Yeah. Yeah.
0:26:47 > 0:26:52You're like me, as soon as you hear those words - "a personal trainer called Brad,"
0:26:52 > 0:26:53you think, "Twat!"
0:26:53 > 0:27:00And I was right. This lad comes out wearing a T-shirt which was clearly bought for an eight-year-old child.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Why can't he dress properly?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04He's come out and going...
0:27:04 > 0:27:08And I don't know if anyone's ever had one of these personal-training sessions,
0:27:08 > 0:27:11but they get you doing stuff you would never do.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14He had me doing this thing called lunging.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18There seems some lungers in the room. There's people who lunge.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23There's a recognition in that last bit of lunge that I didn't know what fucking lunging was.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Lunging is obviously... Lunging is like the new dogging.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29People are doing it, I don't know who they are.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33For those of you who don't know what lunging is, this is what a lunge is, right?
0:27:33 > 0:27:38You get a weight. He makes me stand there with a weight in each hand.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And you stand there, this is a lunge.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45That's lunging. Now look at that
0:27:45 > 0:27:47as an exercise.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Look at that and try and think of any activity in your life
0:27:51 > 0:27:53where that would be useful.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Try and think of anything that you do where you would think,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00"Oh, I wish I'd lunged just a little bit more."
0:28:00 > 0:28:03You know what I mean? It's not as if one day someone's
0:28:03 > 0:28:05going to try and shoot you
0:28:05 > 0:28:08and you'll go, "Oh, look, you missed! Hey! I'm a lunger, me.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09"Look at that!"
0:28:11 > 0:28:1535 minutes he had me doing that. 35 minutes!
0:28:15 > 0:28:21He said, "I'll phone you in the morning to see if you want to book some more one-on-one sessions."
0:28:21 > 0:28:26He phoned me up in the morning and said, "Do you want to book some more one-on-one sessions?"
0:28:26 > 0:28:27I said, "Do I shite, Brad!"
0:28:29 > 0:28:32He said, "Why?" I said, "Brad, I can't walk."
0:28:39 > 0:28:45Do you know what he said? "That's because you've been exercising muscles you don't normally use."
0:28:49 > 0:28:51I said, "Brad, I'm 42.
0:28:51 > 0:28:55"If I don't use them, I don't fucking need them."
0:29:04 > 0:29:06Know what I knew?
0:29:06 > 0:29:08I knew why Elvis was fat.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13The next thing that I understood when I realised how old Elvis was is the white jumpsuits.
0:29:13 > 0:29:19For the first time in my life, I understood why Elvis wore the white jumpsuits.
0:29:19 > 0:29:24Elvis wore the white jumpsuits cos Elvis was a bloke over 40.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28And like every bloke over 40...
0:29:28 > 0:29:31he didn't know what to put on.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Because we don't know what to wear.
0:29:35 > 0:29:41As soon as you turn 40, you don't know whether to wear clothes like you've still got a skateboard
0:29:41 > 0:29:42or dress like your dad.
0:29:42 > 0:29:48There's no in-between. In fact, if it wasn't for birthdays and Christmas, we'd probably be naked.
0:29:48 > 0:29:52Because women, women, you're still interested in clothes,
0:29:52 > 0:29:56you still have programmes on the television that are interested in you and fashion.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00You've still got magazines that are interested in what you wear,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03you've got each other, you've got your friends.
0:30:03 > 0:30:07No-one in this room has ever seen two blokes in their 40s in a shop
0:30:07 > 0:30:11saying, "Hey, I tell you what, Barry, that looks lovely on you."
0:30:11 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:18 > 0:30:22"Honestly, lovely. Keep it on. Dave, have a look.
0:30:22 > 0:30:26"Keep it on! Dave, have a look at this. Lovely, lovely, lovely.
0:30:26 > 0:30:29"Stand as you would with your pint, stand as you would. Look.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32"Isn't that lovely, isn't that nice?" Oh, we're fucked.
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Honestly, it's a disaster.
0:30:34 > 0:30:39And so I realised how much fashion was passing me by
0:30:39 > 0:30:44when I took a gamble a couple of months after realising I was the same age as Elvis when he died.
0:30:44 > 0:30:49I took a gamble, I took a massive fashion gamble.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54I bought a brand-new pair of white training shoes
0:30:54 > 0:30:57and I think we know that there comes a time in a man's life
0:30:57 > 0:31:04where if you're seen wearing brand-new white training shoes with jeans,
0:31:04 > 0:31:09there's a very good chance you're going look a little bit "special".
0:31:15 > 0:31:18There comes a time in a man's life where you've reached the age
0:31:18 > 0:31:23that if you are seen wearing brand-new white training shoes with jeans,
0:31:23 > 0:31:28you're going to look like you should be holding hands with another responsible adult.
0:31:28 > 0:31:34And I bought these brand-new white trainers, Adidas they were.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38Apparently they were retro and I didn't even know what that meant.
0:31:38 > 0:31:43I've got three lads, three teenage boys.
0:31:43 > 0:31:47It's hard being a teenager and every man in here remembers what it was like
0:31:47 > 0:31:50because again for men, because we're competitive,
0:31:50 > 0:31:54even being a teenager's competitive, even going through puberty is a competition.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58Every man in here remembers what it was like when you were 12 or 13,
0:31:58 > 0:32:01running home from school every day to look in the mirror
0:32:01 > 0:32:05to see if you've grown a moustache during the afternoon.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06And every morning you wake up
0:32:06 > 0:32:09and look down to see if anything's going on downstairs.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Because you don't want to be the last in school, do you?
0:32:12 > 0:32:15You don't want to be the last to go through puberty.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18And then you'll have a week off school for half-term
0:32:18 > 0:32:20and you come back after a week away and you do PE
0:32:20 > 0:32:24and you walk into the showers all self-conscious
0:32:24 > 0:32:28and then some kid walks in with a beard and bollocks by his knees.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34Everyone goes, "Jesus, Tony what happened to you?"
0:32:34 > 0:32:36- BREAKING VOICE:- "I don't fucking know!"
0:32:36 > 0:32:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:45 > 0:32:47"I just woke up."
0:32:47 > 0:32:52Cos that's what happens - the hormones just come flying in and you've got no control over them.
0:32:52 > 0:32:59My oldest lad, his voice has been breaking, which is the funniest thing on the planet bar none.
0:32:59 > 0:33:05I have conversations with him now I don't need to have, just to hear him speak.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08I'll say things to him like, "What time is it, son?"
0:33:08 > 0:33:11- HIGH-PITCHED:- "It's about four o'clock, Dad."
0:33:17 > 0:33:19What's the weather like outside?
0:33:19 > 0:33:23- UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:- "It's sunny all the time now."
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Honestly, it's like living with Scooby Doo, it's brilliant.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33Like all teenagers now, he's massive
0:33:33 > 0:33:36and I was getting the kids ready to take them out for something to eat
0:33:36 > 0:33:39and I was downstairs with the other two.
0:33:39 > 0:33:46We're waiting for him. He comes walking downstairs in my shoes, in my brand-new white trainers.
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I've not even wore them myself.
0:33:48 > 0:33:53He's gone into the room, put them on his feet, he's walked... That's how big he is - size 9 feet!
0:33:53 > 0:33:58He comes walking downstairs in my shoes. I said, "Hey, what are you doing with them on?"
0:33:58 > 0:34:00He went...
0:34:00 > 0:34:02- UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:- "I'm going to wear them."
0:34:02 > 0:34:07I know, it's very difficult to argue and laugh at the same time, isn't it?
0:34:07 > 0:34:12- I went, "Hmmm, mmm." - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:34:15 > 0:34:19I said, "They're mine, they're my brand-new white trainers."
0:34:19 > 0:34:21I said, "Go upstairs and take them off."
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- UP AND DOWN IN PITCH:- "I want to wear them."
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I said, "Hey, I'm not asking you."
0:34:28 > 0:34:32I said, "They're mine, now go upstairs and take them off."
0:34:32 > 0:34:33- He went... - GRUNTS
0:34:33 > 0:34:39I said, "Look, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you - get up them stairs and take my trainers off."
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- You know what he said? "Make me." - AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:34:46 > 0:34:47That's a proper challenge, isn't it?
0:34:47 > 0:34:50That's like the little lion taking on the big lion
0:34:50 > 0:34:55and all the other lions are running round going, "It's kicking off in here!"
0:34:55 > 0:34:58We're stood toe to toe, he's stood in front of me, toe to toe.
0:34:58 > 0:35:03He's as big as I am! I'm looking at him, he's looking at me, I'm looking straight in his eyes,
0:35:03 > 0:35:06he's looking in my eyes, I'm looking in his eyes.
0:35:06 > 0:35:12And for the first time in the 15 years of his life...
0:35:12 > 0:35:14I could see he was thinking,
0:35:14 > 0:35:15"I can take you."
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:19 > 0:35:20APPLAUSE
0:35:26 > 0:35:29And I'm stood there, and I'm looking in his eyes.
0:35:29 > 0:35:34And for the first time in the 15 years of his life, I was thinking...
0:35:34 > 0:35:36"There's a chance he can take me here."
0:35:39 > 0:35:42And there is nothing more scary on this planet
0:35:42 > 0:35:45than thinking you're going to get your head kicked in with your own shoes.
0:35:56 > 0:36:00So I thought... I thought, "I've got to do it - I've got to do a show with Elvis in the title."
0:36:00 > 0:36:02So the next thing I did is I got a poster made,
0:36:02 > 0:36:06and I got a poster made with me and me dog - I've got a dog.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Me and me dog, stood at a bus stop - me, dog.
0:36:08 > 0:36:12I was dressed as Elvis... The dog wasn't, the dog was just a dog.
0:36:12 > 0:36:15"Elvis Has Left The Building." I thought that was a good idea.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17I got it e-mailed to our house.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21Now, I've got a lad who's 12 - and I came into the house, he's on the computer.
0:36:21 > 0:36:25I came in - I said, "Listen, son, I need to see this e-mail."
0:36:25 > 0:36:29E-mail pops up with the poster. I said, "What do you think of that?"
0:36:29 > 0:36:30He said, looking at me -
0:36:30 > 0:36:34I'm dressed as Elvis, at a bus stop, with the dog...
0:36:34 > 0:36:37- He said "Well, the DOG looks funny." - LAUGHTER
0:36:38 > 0:36:41"But what are you dressed like that for?"
0:36:41 > 0:36:43I said, "Cos of Elvis."
0:36:43 > 0:36:44Know what he said? "Who's Elvis?"
0:36:44 > 0:36:49- LAUGHTER - Can you believe that? I said "What?"
0:36:49 > 0:36:53He said, "Who's Elvis?" I said to his mum, "He doesn't know who Elvis is."
0:36:53 > 0:36:55She said, "Well, he's from another planet.
0:36:55 > 0:36:57"All he does is go on the internet."
0:36:57 > 0:37:00I'm not knocking the internet by the way, I like the internet.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03If you do this job, you're working late at night,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06- you come home...tired... - LAUGHTER
0:37:06 > 0:37:09..everyone's in bed...
0:37:09 > 0:37:11you need to relax before you go to sleep -
0:37:11 > 0:37:14the internet's fantastic, there's loads on the internet.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17But kids now - they just live in this different world.
0:37:17 > 0:37:20I said, "I can't believe this." When it was his 12th birthday,
0:37:20 > 0:37:22I said "I'm going to bridge this gap.
0:37:22 > 0:37:24"I'm going to bridge this cultural divide."
0:37:24 > 0:37:27So I said, I'm going to get him, for his 12th birthday
0:37:27 > 0:37:29what I got for MY 12th birthday.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32So I bought him... a game of Monopoly.
0:37:32 > 0:37:34LAUGHTER
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I went mad, I got the deluxe - I got him a game of Monopoly.
0:37:37 > 0:37:41He also got a thing called an Xbox 360 Live.
0:37:41 > 0:37:45Apparently you've got to get a live one - by all accounts the dead one's shit.
0:37:45 > 0:37:48So he got an Xbox 360 Live, and a game of Monopoly.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53He opened them both and I have to be honest, he was less excited about the Monopoly than I was hoping.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56He said, "Dad can I go upstairs and set up my Xbox 360 Live?"
0:37:56 > 0:38:00I said, "Of course you can, son. This is your very first game of Monopoly.
0:38:00 > 0:38:04"It's going to take me a few hours to set it up, I want to get it right."
0:38:04 > 0:38:07He goes upstairs - I went upstairs two hours later.
0:38:07 > 0:38:12I don't know if any parent in this room has experienced this frightening phenomena.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16He's on this Xbox - he's playing this game called Duty Call, or Call of Duty or something.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20He's got an earpiece in, shouting at the telly!
0:38:20 > 0:38:23I come in - I said, "Come on, son.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26"I've set up...the Monopoly."
0:38:26 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:32He said, "I can't come now, Dad - I'm playing with all of me friends."
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I went...
0:38:34 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER
0:38:38 > 0:38:41I said, "Son, there's no-one here.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44He said, "Dad, I'm playing live on the internet.
0:38:44 > 0:38:48"I've just struck up an alliance with a lad in Birmingham and another lad in Burnley -
0:38:48 > 0:38:51"we've got a pincer movement going on this encampment.
0:38:51 > 0:38:54"Inside is a lad from Aberdeen and a lad from Nottingham...
0:38:54 > 0:38:57"although we think he might be a paedo cos he sounds like a bloke.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02"Inside that encampment they've got all the armoury we need.
0:39:02 > 0:39:06"If we can get it off them, we can put a push onto the next base and get all the gold reserves.
0:39:06 > 0:39:10"That means we can destabilise the economy, make a run on the oil price
0:39:10 > 0:39:12"and take over Western Europe by teatime."
0:39:12 > 0:39:16Do you know how hard it is to make Monopoly sound good after that?!
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- I even said he could be the hat. - LAUGHTER
0:39:27 > 0:39:31I haven't let anyone be the hat since '93.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33And the problem is, it's one of these things with kids.
0:39:33 > 0:39:38No matter who you are as a dad, you want to impress your kids, every dad wants to do that.
0:39:38 > 0:39:42When you're a little boy, you're growing up, you want an impressive dad.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44And then you become a dad, and all you want to do then
0:39:44 > 0:39:47is to impress your kids, that's all any dad wants to do.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50That's why every time you go away on holiday,
0:39:50 > 0:39:55you always see a fat bloke stood at the top of a diving board, shitting himself...
0:39:55 > 0:39:57LAUGHTER
0:39:57 > 0:40:02..whilst his kids are shouting, "Come on, Dad, do a somersault like the German boy's dad."
0:40:03 > 0:40:05And you never want to let them down.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09And it's difficult at times... As I say, I've got three kids.
0:40:09 > 0:40:12One wants to fight me, one wants to be on the internet -
0:40:12 > 0:40:13the other one...
0:40:13 > 0:40:16well, the other one just thinks I'm a knob, to be honest.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21I've got one of those kids that you get, with skinny jeans,
0:40:21 > 0:40:27and they have these colourful hoodies and little rucksacks and they have hair like that.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31And you can't tell whether it's a boy and a girl, and they're always hugging each other.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- Well, I've got one of them. I er... - LAUGHTER
0:40:34 > 0:40:38I've got to be honest - I'm not sure the same one comes home each night.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41- LAUGHTER - We just feed it and send it to bed.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46And he had this thing recently called a sleepover, which has got to be
0:40:46 > 0:40:50the most inappropriately named activity on the planet.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Cos no-one sleeps!
0:40:52 > 0:40:56It should be called a "why don't you have a load of teenagers you don't know
0:40:56 > 0:41:00"in your house, eating everything in the fridge, and then staying up till 4.00
0:41:00 > 0:41:04in the morning when they have a row and everyone ends up crying"-over.
0:41:04 > 0:41:05Cos that's what happens.
0:41:05 > 0:41:11And I walked past his bedroom - it was about midnight and one of his...mates, er...
0:41:11 > 0:41:13as he walked past, just said,
0:41:13 > 0:41:17"It must be dead cool having a dad who's a comedian."
0:41:17 > 0:41:22To which my son said "No - he's a knob."
0:41:24 > 0:41:25APPLAUSE
0:41:31 > 0:41:35There's not a lot you can say to that, really, is there?
0:41:35 > 0:41:41But every now and again, sometimes in life you get opportunities to try and impress your kids, and something
0:41:41 > 0:41:46happened to me last year that gave me that opportunity completely out of the blue.
0:41:46 > 0:41:52My agent phoned me up - she said, "John, I've got you a part in something." I said, "I can't act."
0:41:52 > 0:41:54She said, "It's OK - they don't know."
0:41:54 > 0:41:56LAUGHTER
0:41:56 > 0:42:01I said, "OK - what's the programme?" She said, "A thing called Skins."
0:42:01 > 0:42:04- CHEERING - Yeah... People have heard of Skins.
0:42:04 > 0:42:07I said, "Very good. What's the storyline?
0:42:07 > 0:42:11She said, "Well, the storyline's based around a lesbian love affair."
0:42:11 > 0:42:13- I said, "I think I can do that." - LAUGHTER
0:42:15 > 0:42:19"I've done loads of research on the internet, and erm...
0:42:19 > 0:42:22"I'm pretty sure I can play a plumber."
0:42:22 > 0:42:24LAUGHTER
0:42:26 > 0:42:29I said, "What's the part?" She said, "The part's to be a dad."
0:42:29 > 0:42:32I said, "A what?" She said, "A dad of one of the lesbians."
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Now, I'm probably like you, ladies and gentlemen -
0:42:35 > 0:42:36up to that point in my life,
0:42:36 > 0:42:40I didn't know what a lesbian's dad looked like.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42LAUGHTER
0:42:42 > 0:42:45- Well, apparently - this is it. - LAUGHTER
0:42:46 > 0:42:48I turned up... They film it in Bristol.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51I'd never been on a film set before. It was so exciting.
0:42:51 > 0:42:55It was January, it was cold - everyone was walking round in puffa jackets.
0:42:55 > 0:42:58You get a trailer with your name on.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02Everyone gets their own trailer, with their own name on. You've got your own caravan!
0:43:02 > 0:43:05There's another caravan, where you get free food all day!
0:43:05 > 0:43:10It's like being a really posh gypsy. It was brilliant!
0:43:11 > 0:43:15The director comes up to me - he said, "John, we're going to do your scenes next.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17"Obviously we don't film things chronologically,
0:43:17 > 0:43:21"so I need to explain to you how it will appear on the television."
0:43:21 > 0:43:24I said, "OK." He said, "In the scene immediately preceding your scene,
0:43:24 > 0:43:28"the scene immediately before we see you involves your daughter -
0:43:28 > 0:43:32"your 18-year-old lesbian daughter.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36"And she's making love, to her
0:43:36 > 0:43:40"18-year-old...lesbian...lover."
0:43:40 > 0:43:41LAUGHTER
0:43:41 > 0:43:47"And immediately from making love to her 18-year-old...
0:43:47 > 0:43:49"lesbian...girlfriend...
0:43:50 > 0:43:55"..she decides to come home and tell you, her father,
0:43:55 > 0:43:58"that she's...a lesbian."
0:43:58 > 0:44:01And I went, "OK... OK."
0:44:01 > 0:44:03LAUGHTER
0:44:03 > 0:44:06I said, "Do you think it would be better if I just caught her?"
0:44:06 > 0:44:08LAUGHTER
0:44:08 > 0:44:10APPLAUSE
0:44:16 > 0:44:20"You know - I just happened to be in the wardrobe, fitting some..."
0:44:20 > 0:44:23LAUGHTER
0:44:23 > 0:44:25And he went, "No, we'll do the script." So I did the script.
0:44:25 > 0:44:28He comes up to me at the end, he said, "That was all right.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30"Have you seen the show?
0:44:30 > 0:44:36I said, "I haven't, to be honest. But I've got teenage boys, I'm pretty sure they watch it."
0:44:36 > 0:44:40And that's when gave me this little carrot of hope of impressing my kids.
0:44:40 > 0:44:42"You've got teenage boys, and you've been in Skins?!
0:44:42 > 0:44:46"They're going to think you're a hero." I said, "Do you think so?"
0:44:46 > 0:44:49He said, "I'm telling you now - teenage boys love this show."
0:44:49 > 0:44:52I said, "I didn't know that." I said, "Why?"
0:44:52 > 0:44:55He said, "Teenage boys love Skins. And I'll tell you why -
0:44:55 > 0:44:59"cos for teenage boys, Skins is wank material."
0:45:01 > 0:45:03LAUGHTER
0:45:04 > 0:45:06I said, "I don't want that!"
0:45:06 > 0:45:07LAUGHTER
0:45:07 > 0:45:11"I don't want me lads going 'Lesbian, lesbian -
0:45:10 > 0:45:11shit, there's me dad!'
0:45:11 > 0:45:13LAUGHTER
0:45:20 > 0:45:25Having all their mates phoning up going, "I was knocking one out last night, and your dad popped up!
0:45:26 > 0:45:30"I'm not coming to YOURS again for a sleepover, he's in me head now!
0:45:34 > 0:45:37So - it was robbed from me.
0:45:37 > 0:45:41The thing I'd been after, that opportunity to impress me kids, was robbed from me.
0:45:41 > 0:45:46And then, at the end of April last year, I got THE phone call
0:45:46 > 0:45:50that I'd been waiting for all me life. The phone call that changed my life.
0:45:50 > 0:45:55At the end of April last year, I got a phone call off Kenny Dalglish.
0:45:55 > 0:45:57Yeah, yeah...
0:45:57 > 0:45:58WHOOPING
0:45:58 > 0:46:02Well -I THINK it was him, I couldn't understand a fuckin' word he said.
0:46:05 > 0:46:07No, I did. And for those who don't know, obviously
0:46:07 > 0:46:12Kenny Dalglish played for Liverpool, managed Liverpool, played for Celtic and for Scotland,
0:46:12 > 0:46:16and for Liverpool supporters like me he's held in uniquely high esteem
0:46:16 > 0:46:19as a player, as a manager - but, more importantly, as a man.
0:46:19 > 0:46:21I can't tell you how excited I was.
0:46:21 > 0:46:27It was like being an eight-year-old boy getting a phone call off Santa. I nearly wet meself.
0:46:27 > 0:46:31He said, "Hello, John, it's Kenny Dalglish." I went, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:46:31 > 0:46:35- EXCITABLY SQUEAKY: - "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Hiya, Kenny."
0:46:35 > 0:46:37LAUGHTER
0:46:37 > 0:46:40"John, as part of the Hillsborough commemorations
0:46:40 > 0:46:43"there's going to be a charity football game.
0:46:43 > 0:46:47"It's going to involve a team of Liverpool legends playing against a team of charity all-stars.
0:46:47 > 0:46:52"The charity all-stars will have some ex-pros in, like Alan Stubbs,
0:46:52 > 0:46:57"Alan Shearer, Teddy Sheringham, and some soap opera people and people off the telly."
0:46:57 > 0:47:02He said, "I'm phoning you up to see if you want to play.
0:47:02 > 0:47:04"At Anfield."
0:47:04 > 0:47:06Can you imagine that?!
0:47:06 > 0:47:08I was just giddy with excitement.
0:47:08 > 0:47:12I WAS like a child. I said "K-K-Kenny...!
0:47:12 > 0:47:15"I-I-I-I'd love to play, Kenny. I'd love to play, Kenny.
0:47:15 > 0:47:17"Kenny, Kenny! Kenny, Kenny!
0:47:17 > 0:47:20I said, "Kenny...when is it?"
0:47:20 > 0:47:23Kenny said, "It's in 11 days." I said, "You mean 11 sleeps?!"
0:47:23 > 0:47:25LAUGHTER
0:47:31 > 0:47:34He said, "If you like - 11 sleeps, yeah, 11 sleeps.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38I said, "Kenny, I'd love to play for the charity all-stars.
0:47:38 > 0:47:40He said, "No...
0:47:40 > 0:47:44"I don't want you playing for the charity all-stars - I want you...playing for us.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47"I want you... playing for Liverpool at Anfield."
0:47:47 > 0:47:50Can you IMAGINE how exciting that is?
0:47:50 > 0:47:54That's all of my dreams rolled into one. I couldn't believe it.
0:47:54 > 0:47:55The closest I'd ever got to that
0:47:55 > 0:47:59is some people thinking I look like Jamie Carragher.
0:47:59 > 0:48:01I turned up 11 days later.
0:48:01 > 0:48:06I walked into the home dressing room - with my brand new bag.
0:48:07 > 0:48:12And my brand-new boots. I was all nervous, I walked in like that.
0:48:12 > 0:48:13LAUGHTER
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Kenny come over to me - he says, "You look shit."
0:48:16 > 0:48:19- I said, "Kenny, I've not slept for 11 days!" - LAUGHTER
0:48:20 > 0:48:22"I didn't want to miss it!"
0:48:22 > 0:48:24LAUGHTER
0:48:24 > 0:48:28I'm looking round the room, it's unbelievable! It's proper legends!
0:48:28 > 0:48:31There's Jan Molby, Ronnie Whelan, Ray Houghton, Peter Beardsley,
0:48:31 > 0:48:36Kenny Dalglish, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson. There's just real heroes!
0:48:36 > 0:48:38John Aldridge, Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler,
0:48:38 > 0:48:42Steven Gerrard called in. Phil Thompson's lending his support.
0:48:42 > 0:48:45I just couldn't believe... I'm getting changed next to them!
0:48:45 > 0:48:51Can you imagine that? I'm getting changed next to my heroes! Can you imagine what that feels like?
0:48:51 > 0:48:53I'm just stood there going...
0:48:53 > 0:48:54LAUGHTER
0:49:06 > 0:49:09It was then that I realised I've got a bigger willy than Alan Hansen.
0:49:09 > 0:49:11LAUGHTER
0:49:13 > 0:49:14APPLAUSE
0:49:18 > 0:49:22For some reason that surprised me, but it did give me that boost of confidence.
0:49:22 > 0:49:25- LAUGHTER - We walked out onto the pitch -
0:49:25 > 0:49:28the game had only been announced two weeks before, but near enough
0:49:28 > 0:49:3130,000 people filtered into the ground.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33Three sides of Anfield are filled.
0:49:33 > 0:49:35I'm just looking around, in awe.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37The lads are warming up. They know how to warm up -
0:49:37 > 0:49:41they've warmed up in front of 30,000 people before.
0:49:41 > 0:49:44I don't know how you warm up in front of 30,000 people.
0:49:44 > 0:49:46I just started doing lunges...
0:49:46 > 0:49:48LAUGHTER
0:49:55 > 0:49:57We walk into the dressing room.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00Kenny Dalglish is the player manager -
0:50:00 > 0:50:03another former Liverpool manager, Roy Evans, is his assistant.
0:50:03 > 0:50:06Kenny named the team... I was sub.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09I mean, I expected to be sub.
0:50:09 > 0:50:12- In fact, I was number 24. - LAUGHTER
0:50:12 > 0:50:16Which means if there was two teams, I'd still be sub - but that's OK.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19That's OK, I didn't mind that. I didn't mind that, because I've always had
0:50:19 > 0:50:22one dream in my life, one dream in my head -
0:50:22 > 0:50:25like, everyone's always got something you never grow out of.
0:50:25 > 0:50:27My one dream, is that one day,
0:50:27 > 0:50:29I will play for Liverpool,
0:50:29 > 0:50:32in the middle of midfield, attacking the Kop.
0:50:32 > 0:50:37That was my dream - that one day, I would be in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.
0:50:37 > 0:50:39And I would shoot outside the area,
0:50:39 > 0:50:43and it would rifle in - in the same way that Stevie G does it now.
0:50:43 > 0:50:47I wanted to be in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49I didn't mind being sub -
0:50:49 > 0:50:52cos for the first half, we were attacking the Anfield Road end.
0:50:52 > 0:50:55I didn't get on - not arsed, it's not me destiny.
0:50:55 > 0:50:56LAUGHTER
0:50:58 > 0:51:02My destiny's middle of midfield, attacking the Kop.
0:51:02 > 0:51:07Half-time comes, we're winning 2-0. John Aldridge scored, I think, and Ian Rush scored.
0:51:07 > 0:51:09At half-time, a few changes are made.
0:51:09 > 0:51:13All the other subs go on. No-one even looks at me.
0:51:13 > 0:51:18The game kicks off. I'm watching the game - but all the time I'm concentrating, cos I'm only
0:51:18 > 0:51:22going to get one chance to fulfil that destiny, to play in the middle of midfield attacking the Kop.
0:51:22 > 0:51:25No-one's looking at me, no-one even notices I'm there.
0:51:25 > 0:51:29I've started doing lunges in front of Kenny... so he knows I'm still around.
0:51:29 > 0:51:32But all the time I'm concentrating on that middle of midfield...
0:51:32 > 0:51:35middle of midfield attacking the Kop.
0:51:35 > 0:51:37I'm concentrating on getting in the middle of midfield.
0:51:37 > 0:51:41The game's been played for 21 minutes...
0:51:41 > 0:51:43when Roy Evans, the assistant manager, turns to me -
0:51:43 > 0:51:45he said, "Bish!"
0:51:46 > 0:51:47I said, "Yeah, Roy?"
0:51:47 > 0:51:50- He's only a little fella. - LAUGHTER
0:51:50 > 0:51:53I said, "Yeah, Roy?"
0:51:53 > 0:51:58He said, "Bish, are you ready to go on, son?"
0:51:58 > 0:52:02I went,
0:52:02 > 0:52:04"You bet you, Roy."
0:52:04 > 0:52:08He said, "Good, because you're going on in defence."
0:52:08 > 0:52:09AUDIENCE GROANS
0:52:09 > 0:52:12I know. That's like someone telling you you can shag the Corrs
0:52:12 > 0:52:16but you've got to start with the brother, you know what I mean?
0:52:24 > 0:52:26It's almost a dream come true, isn't it?
0:52:26 > 0:52:30I'm about to walk on and play defence for Liverpool when all of a sudden,
0:52:30 > 0:52:35Jan Molby, one of the best midfield players I've ever seen kick a ball, put his hand up.
0:52:35 > 0:52:38He wanted to come off. That was an honour.
0:52:38 > 0:52:44I went on for big Jan. It was an amazing feeling to run on to that pitch at Anfield
0:52:44 > 0:52:47and hear 30,000 people go, "Who the fuck's that?"
0:52:52 > 0:52:56At the moment on that pitch the Liverpool midfield comprised of
0:52:56 > 0:53:02Jamie Redknapp, England international, Steve McManaman, England international,
0:53:02 > 0:53:05Gary McAllister, Scotland international,
0:53:05 > 0:53:08John Bishop, 42, making his debut.
0:53:10 > 0:53:13For the first ten minutes I ran around like a lunatic.
0:53:13 > 0:53:17I just wanted to kick the ball. Didn't give a shit which way it went. I just wanted it.
0:53:19 > 0:53:23In the end I was on that pitch in total for 22 minutes.
0:53:23 > 0:53:26I came off with a couple of minutes left so that quite rightly,
0:53:26 > 0:53:29Kenny could come on and take the adulation of the crowd.
0:53:29 > 0:53:32And that was a honour, to be replaced by the King himself.
0:53:32 > 0:53:38But during those 22 minutes a few things happened that I will never, ever forget.
0:53:38 > 0:53:41I did get a shot outside the area.
0:53:41 > 0:53:42It whistled past the post.
0:53:42 > 0:53:45If it had gone in I think my head would have exploded.
0:53:47 > 0:53:51I got booked for diving, which was a fucking terrible decision.
0:53:51 > 0:53:57Terrible decision! But something happened that will stay with me every day until I go to the grave.
0:53:57 > 0:54:00It happened when I'd been on the pitch for 17 minutes.
0:54:00 > 0:54:04I'd been on the Anfield turf for 17 minutes. I hadn't kicked the ball.
0:54:04 > 0:54:08I could see my own dream fading in front of my eyes.
0:54:08 > 0:54:10I thought, "I'm never going to fulfil it.
0:54:10 > 0:54:12"I'm never going to kick the ball."
0:54:12 > 0:54:15When, all of a sudden, Gary McAllister gets the ball.
0:54:15 > 0:54:19He controls it. As he controls it, Alan Shearer goes to close him down.
0:54:19 > 0:54:22Gary McAllister went that way, turned, looked up.
0:54:22 > 0:54:24Looked at me and he went, "Bish!"
0:54:24 > 0:54:25And I went...
0:54:32 > 0:54:33"Gary!"
0:54:38 > 0:54:41And he kicked the ball to me! He kicked the ball!
0:54:41 > 0:54:44I got me first touch of the ball on the Anfield pitch.
0:54:44 > 0:54:47I controlled it, I moved it around me feet. I looked up.
0:54:47 > 0:54:50Jamie Redknapp was 20 yards away.
0:54:50 > 0:54:52Jamie Redknapp went, "Bish!"
0:54:52 > 0:54:53And I went...
0:54:59 > 0:55:01"Jamie!"
0:55:03 > 0:55:09And I kicked the ball and it rolled to Jamie Redknapp's feet.
0:55:09 > 0:55:13And just as the ball reached Jamie Redknapp's feet I heard,
0:55:13 > 0:55:21from the Liverpool dugout, Kenny Dalglish shout, "great ball, Bish!"
0:55:33 > 0:55:39Now, ladies and gentlemen, Liverpool Football Club was founded in 1892,
0:55:39 > 0:55:42and in all of that time I don't know if anyone else
0:55:42 > 0:55:44has played for them with an erection.
0:55:53 > 0:55:56But it's very difficult to run, to be honest. You're like that.
0:55:57 > 0:55:59"Don't pass there! Near it!"
0:56:04 > 0:56:08At the end of the game, to be honest, I didn't go straight home.
0:56:08 > 0:56:09You wouldn't go straight home.
0:56:09 > 0:56:12I'd just lived me dream.
0:56:12 > 0:56:15I went to the pub. I should have got out the kit, but I was too excited.
0:56:20 > 0:56:26And then I woke up the following morning, in the kit, and I never wanted it to end.
0:56:26 > 0:56:30But also, there was a reason I kept the kit on, it was because I wanted to share it.
0:56:30 > 0:56:35I wanted to walk down the following morning when me kids were eating breakfast and share the moment.
0:56:35 > 0:56:39Cos I've always said to my kids, "Try and live your dream."
0:56:39 > 0:56:41I'll be honest with you.
0:56:41 > 0:56:46I never in a million years, and there's people in here who've known me for a long time will know,
0:56:46 > 0:56:48I never believed I would ever do this.
0:56:48 > 0:56:50And every day that you do, it's a blessing.
0:56:50 > 0:56:54So I've always said to my kids, "Pick a dream and try and follow it,
0:56:54 > 0:56:58"and if you fall short, that's all right, at least you're going in the direction you want.
0:56:58 > 0:57:02"It's better than falling short doing something you don't want to do."
0:57:02 > 0:57:04The night before, they'd seen me living me dream.
0:57:04 > 0:57:06I wanted to share it with them.
0:57:06 > 0:57:12I walked into the kitchen wearing the kit. They were sat there eating breakfast.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16Well, eating that chocolate stuff that sends them fucking mental, you know?
0:57:18 > 0:57:21The school's phoning up going, "He's a bit lively!"
0:57:21 > 0:57:24"I know, he left the house fucking wired this morning!"
0:57:28 > 0:57:33And then I walked in and everything stopped, and they all looked at me and I'm stood there in the kit,
0:57:33 > 0:57:38and me oldest son looked at his brothers and looked at me and said, "Dad." I said, "Yeah, son?"
0:57:38 > 0:57:40He said, "You did it, didn't you?"
0:57:40 > 0:57:43I said, "What?" He said, "You lived your dream."
0:57:43 > 0:57:48I went, "Yeah, son, I lived me dream." He said, "We saw it, Dad, and you know your shot?"
0:57:48 > 0:57:51I said, "Yeah." He said, "It was shit."
0:58:02 > 0:58:04And you know what?
0:58:04 > 0:58:09That would have been upsetting, but something had happened two weeks before.
0:58:09 > 0:58:12That would have been upsetting but for one reason only.
0:58:12 > 0:58:16Two weeks before, I had bonded with my kids in a completely unique way,
0:58:16 > 0:58:19in a way that I'd never, ever expected.
0:58:19 > 0:58:26We have a shout in our house, and you will have it as well if you've got multiple children.
0:58:26 > 0:58:31And it's a shout that indicates there's been a crime committed.
0:58:33 > 0:58:38You don't know who committed the crime, so you want all key suspects in one place.
0:58:38 > 0:58:44In our house it's "Hey, you three, get in there." That means, "There's been a crime committed,
0:58:44 > 0:58:50"we don't know who committed the crime, we want all key suspects in one place, CSI can now begin."
0:58:52 > 0:58:57I come home from work, I put the key in the door, I'm about to turn the key when I heard that shout,
0:58:57 > 0:59:01"Hey, you three, get in there." That was my cue to go to the pub.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06I'm pulling the key out, but just as I'm pulling the key out,
0:59:06 > 0:59:09the problem with our house is that we've got a dog.
0:59:09 > 0:59:12And the problem with having a dog is our dog is a snitch.
0:59:17 > 0:59:21As soon as the dog heard the key, he starts to go,
0:59:21 > 0:59:24"He's home, he's home, he's pulled it out, he's pulled it out!
0:59:24 > 0:59:29"He's going the pub, he's going to the pub, he's going to the pub!"
0:59:29 > 0:59:33Never get a talking dog, they're a fucking nuisance.
0:59:35 > 0:59:39I walked into the living room. I've been present at a number of these investigations,
0:59:39 > 0:59:43but I've never seen such innocence on the eyes of the accused before.
0:59:43 > 0:59:46I walked in, the three are sat there on the couch,
0:59:46 > 0:59:51in age order, which I thought was quite cute. I walked in, I looked at them.
0:59:51 > 0:59:55The prosecutor, formerly known as me wife, is stood there.
0:59:55 > 0:59:59I said, "What's wrong? She said, "What's wrong? What's wrong?"
0:59:59 > 1:00:02She said, "It's one of these three dirty buggers.
1:00:02 > 1:00:03I said, "What do you mean?"
1:00:03 > 1:00:07She said, "I've just been on the computer, I've been on the internet,
1:00:07 > 1:00:11"one of these three dirty buggers has been going on a website called RedTube,
1:00:11 > 1:00:14"where you download free internet porn!" And I went...
1:00:26 > 1:00:30I said, "Well, maybe they just clicked on it by mistake." She said, "By mistake?!
1:00:30 > 1:00:34I've been through Google history, they've been doing it since they were six!"
1:00:42 > 1:00:45So I did what any father would do.
1:00:45 > 1:00:48I looked at me sons, with their eyes full of innocence and hope.
1:00:48 > 1:00:52I looked at me wife, with her eyes full of anger and disappointment.
1:00:52 > 1:00:54And I went,
1:00:54 > 1:00:56"You dirty bastards."
1:01:07 > 1:01:09I said, "That's not what the computer's for.
1:01:09 > 1:01:11"That's not what the internet's for.
1:01:11 > 1:01:14"That's not the material I want you looking at in this house.
1:01:14 > 1:01:18"Is that understood?" That's what I said.
1:01:18 > 1:01:26But whilst I said it, something miraculous happened, as one by one, almost with the aid of telepathy,
1:01:26 > 1:01:30they individually worked out the reality of the situation.
1:01:38 > 1:01:43So I stood in front of them and I said,
1:01:43 > 1:01:47"You dirty bastards, that's not what the computer's for.
1:01:47 > 1:01:49"That's not what the internet's for.
1:01:49 > 1:01:52"That's not the material I want you looking at in this house.
1:01:52 > 1:01:54"Is that understood?"
1:01:56 > 1:01:59Yeah, that's what me words said.
1:01:59 > 1:02:02But me eyes were saying, "Come on, lads, take a bullet for your dad."
1:02:14 > 1:02:17Ladies and gentlemen, we've just about come to the end of the show.
1:02:17 > 1:02:21And I've got to be honest with you, it's been amazing.
1:02:21 > 1:02:25This has been an amazing run, it's been an amazing year,
1:02:25 > 1:02:30and to finish here is an honour, cos it is.
1:02:30 > 1:02:34If you're from around here, if you're like me, anyway, you used to stand outside
1:02:34 > 1:02:39and watch kids come out of panto and try and nick the candyfloss.
1:02:39 > 1:02:41So to actually be here,
1:02:41 > 1:02:47to be on this stage and to be in the Empire, in many respects is a dream,
1:02:47 > 1:02:51and before we finish, I just want to share one more dream with you.
1:02:51 > 1:02:54Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. Good night and God bless. Thank you.
1:02:54 > 1:02:56APPLAUSE
1:03:45 > 1:03:50- THROUGH LAUGHTER:- # Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton
1:03:52 > 1:03:56# Old times, they are not forgotten
1:03:56 > 1:04:02# Look away, look away
1:04:02 > 1:04:05# Look away
1:04:05 > 1:04:07# Dixieland
1:04:10 > 1:04:15# I wish I was in Dixie
1:04:15 > 1:04:21# Away, away... #
1:04:21 > 1:04:23This is my dream!
1:04:23 > 1:04:28# In Dixieland I'll take my stand
1:04:28 > 1:04:32# To live and die in Dixie
1:04:36 > 1:04:38# Cos Dixieland
1:04:38 > 1:04:42# Where I was born
1:04:42 > 1:04:47# Early, Lord, one frosty morn
1:04:47 > 1:04:52# Look away, look away
1:04:52 > 1:04:55# Look away
1:04:55 > 1:05:01# Dixieland
1:05:01 > 1:05:13# Glory, glory, hallelujah
1:05:13 > 1:05:24# Glory, glory, hallelujah
1:05:24 > 1:05:27# Glory...
1:05:27 > 1:05:29COMMENTATOR: 'John Bishop, Liverpool comedian.'
1:05:29 > 1:05:35# Hallelujah
1:05:35 > 1:05:39# His truth is... #
1:05:39 > 1:05:42'And John Bishop will be loving every moment of this,
1:05:42 > 1:05:44'being a dyed-in-the-wool Red.
1:05:49 > 1:05:54'Chance for John Bishop, whose resemblance to Jamie Carragher is often remarked upon.
1:05:57 > 1:05:59'He's won himself a free kick there.
1:06:05 > 1:06:09'Rather unceremoniously dumped to the ground by Alan Stubbs there.
1:06:09 > 1:06:14# ..bound to die... #
1:06:14 > 1:06:18'Here's Gary McAllister. Redknapp.
1:06:18 > 1:06:22'Bishop. McManaman.'
1:06:22 > 1:06:26# My trials, Lord
1:06:26 > 1:06:31# Soon be over... #
1:06:36 > 1:06:39'John Bishop with a good clearing header.
1:06:43 > 1:06:45'A shot from Bishop.'
1:07:10 > 1:07:20# Glory, glory, hallelujah
1:07:20 > 1:07:23# His truth is...
1:07:23 > 1:07:29- TANNOY:- 'Liverpool legend number 24 John Bishop replaced by number seven, Kenny Dalglish.'
1:07:32 > 1:07:45# His truth is marching on. #
1:07:45 > 1:07:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1:07:58 > 1:08:05Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, the Liverpool Harmonic Gospel Choir!
1:08:12 > 1:08:17Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for something I will never forget.
1:08:17 > 1:08:19Good night and God bless.
1:08:26 > 1:08:27Thank you!
1:08:45 > 1:08:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:08:48 > 1:08:51E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
1:08:51 > 1:08:56Ladies and gentlemen, John Bishop has left the building!