0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10The world is undergoing the worst recession in living memory.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14Super-rich bankers created the mess we're in.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17But what about the other end of the food chain?
0:00:23 > 0:00:28I will skive, skive and skive again to save the lifestyle I love!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30State benefits account for a quarter
0:00:30 > 0:00:32of Britain's national expenditure.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35What punishment are we meting out
0:00:35 > 0:00:38to the scroungers and wastrels of this country?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Sorry, Mary hen.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Looks like as if I'm away on one of my extended business trips again.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Are the super-poor as much to blame for broken Britain
0:00:47 > 0:00:49as the super rich?
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I aim confront one of the waster classes for myself.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57He's been on state benefits for most of his adult life.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02His name, if you don't know it, is Rab C Nesbitt.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Hello!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Smile!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12The meek shall inherit the earth!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21And they don't come much meeker than me, boy!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And what the hell are you looking at?
0:01:26 > 0:01:30A nutter. A 3D nutter.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41And don't you ever, ever forget it.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Come on! Get ye in front of me!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47You're late, ya bastard.
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Take that, ya swine!
0:01:56 > 0:01:57A true saying, Rab.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01It's intelligence that separates men frae the animals.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- You'll be Rab C Nesbitt.- 10 points for a coconut! You're dead right.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16That's me, aye.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And you, of course, will be the latest establishment figure
0:02:19 > 0:02:21to come up here and rebrand his career
0:02:21 > 0:02:24and make wallopers oot a us locals, likely, eh?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- I can see we're going to get on famously.- Aye, of course we will!
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Come away into the office.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36# If I had my life to live over
0:02:36 > 0:02:41# I would still fall in love with you... #
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I see your hands are shaking.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Sure your nose is running. So what?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I'll get straight to the point, Mr Nesbitt.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53How much, approximately, do you drink?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Sorry? Oh, I couldnae tell you that, chief.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58I'm never sober enough to tally it up, you know!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02There's nothing the matter wi' a wee drink.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Who the hell are you, by the way?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Oh, come on, Rab - use your imagination.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12I'm the heebie-jeebies.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22So, this is your local. What do you like about this place?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Oh, well, it's the proximity, Johnny. It's the proximity.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29It's 15 feet from my hoose, you know?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Alcoholic, pub, pub, alcoholic - you know what I'm saying?- Shall we start?
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yes, certainly.
0:03:34 > 0:03:39This is where we get down to the business. The old third degree.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41The moral means test.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Does that worry you, Rab? May I call you Rab?
0:03:44 > 0:03:48You can call me whatever the hell you like, boy.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Some people call you a feckless prat, don't they?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What exactly do you mean by "feckless"?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Well, I mean someone who's irresponsible, useless,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59lazy and selfish.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Someone who contributes nothing to society
0:04:02 > 0:04:05and who hasn't done a single day's work in his life.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13There is a working population in this country of 20 million.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16There is only 17 million jobs to go roond.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19So some poor bugger's got to be on the bru, haven't they?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21So, it might as well be them that likes it!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23The case just doesn't meet the necessary conditions.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I don't know how you do your job.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28I don't know how you sleep in your bed at night.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Because I couldnae sleep in ma bed at night.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- That's cos you sleep during the day, da.- Shut it!
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I'll tell you this, boy. There's only one bloody job I want in here,
0:04:36 > 0:04:37and that's your job.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Because frae where I'm standing,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43you're getting paid good money for hee bloody haw!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Look, I think you'd better just leave it.- Come on, ya...
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Away and work!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I don't actually think you've quite grasped
0:05:04 > 0:05:07the subtlety of my business plan here, have you?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You're saying you're NOT a waster?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Oh, no, no, no - I'm not saying that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, no - I'm... I'm a waster all right.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But I am a cost-effective waster.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Unlike the banks, the poor don't hoard money.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22See when I die, John?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25When I die, there'll be nothing in my pockets but my testicles.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32# Money money money
0:05:32 > 0:05:33# Must be funny
0:05:33 > 0:05:34# In a rich man's... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Aha! Look at that! Hey!
0:05:38 > 0:05:4250p, ya beauty! Eh? 50p!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Might no mean much to you,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47but it liberates my suit frae the pawn, you know what I'm saying?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Top of that, the washing machine's buggered.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I'm having to scrape the rubbish oot ma Y-fronts wi' a kirby grip
0:05:53 > 0:05:55every couple a days.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Which is an oddly therapeutic experience, as it happens.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02The simple pleasures of the poor, eh?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Look at this, boy.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It might no be by its sell-by date,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09but it's long past its knock-by date, know what I mean?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Eh, excuse me, brother. City of Culture.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Ten pence for a fondue set?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Any chance of ten pence so I can phone an ambulance?
0:06:22 > 0:06:26How do I know you won't spend it on drink?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Because if I do,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32it'll come spurting out from the bayonet wound in my back here.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oh look, there's a character.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42GLASS SMASHES
0:06:43 > 0:06:46'Rab's answering my questions truthfully enough
0:06:46 > 0:06:49'but with a sort of practised detachment that tells me
0:06:49 > 0:06:52'I'm not really testing him, getting under his skin.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56'Politicians defend themselves with arrogant self-assurance.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01'Wasters achieve the same effect with a thick blubber of complacency.'
0:07:01 > 0:07:03A pint of lager, please.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05And a pie!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Oh, and a pie.
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Make that two.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11'I've done my own research
0:07:11 > 0:07:15'and have come up armed with my own damning Rab C Nesbitt file.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19'With it, I mean to bury this character in the pit
0:07:19 > 0:07:21'of his own filth and fecklessness.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25'A sort of dirty dossier, if you will.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29'I realise if I'm going to understand Rab,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32'I have to discover his world for myself,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36'to see it from the inside. But to do that,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38'I need to walk a mile in his shoes.'
0:07:42 > 0:07:47So here we are in Govan Cemetery, Rab.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49What does this cemetery mean to you?
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Nothing at all.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54The Nesbitt family get the bin bag treatment. We're all cremated.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I know that's not strictly true, is it?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Your father is buried in Govan, isn't he?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01My father and me had what's known in family circles
0:08:01 > 0:08:05as a strained relationship.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09How frank can I be here, John? Can I talk about violence?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Use code. Find another word for violence.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Er...
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- How about tickling? - Lovely.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Basically my father would tickle my mother, I'd tickle him,
0:08:20 > 0:08:25and we'd all roll about on the floor tickling each other till somebody passed out
0:08:25 > 0:08:29or, well, something good came on the telly, you know?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34SHOUTING
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I don't need to be sneered at by you!
0:08:36 > 0:08:41You've said ye'd do something one day - this had better be the day.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Right, ye big bastard. Come on!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Put that down, kid.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54If I've got to come over there, I'll...
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- I'll...- It's all right, I'll wait till you think of something.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01HE GURGLES AND CHOKES
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I think he's had a heart attack.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Well, let's hear it for cholesterol.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14In fact, he's dead.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's as well for him, or I'd have whisked the shite out of him.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22My old man's headstone.
0:09:22 > 0:09:2430 years dead today.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30You'd think he'd be called by now, eh?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32He was Rab B Nesbitt.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35His fellah was Rab A, I'm Rab C.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39What are we going to do when we run out of the alphabet?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'd like to talk to you about your childhood.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Were you close to your father? - Well, not if I could help it.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Otherwise, I'd get a boot aboot the melt, you know?- Really?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And what is your earliest memory of him?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55When I was 15, I'll always remember the friction burns
0:09:55 > 0:09:58he left on the carpet when I handed over my first wage packet.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh...
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Well, that just goes to show you, doesn't it, Doctor?
0:10:04 > 0:10:09You can live with somebody all your life, but you never really know them.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Did you not know my father was an alkie?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Oh, aye. But I never knew you had a job.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21I mean, back then, well, my father's job was to get bladdered.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23That's what he did, you know?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27My mother used to sit at the fireplace with a pot of stewed tea,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30a packet of fags up the sleeve of her cardigan,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33offloading to her eldest son, basically.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Would you like a cup of tea, son?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- No, thanks.- No trouble. - No, thanks.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43I'm having one myself.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- No, thanks. - Are you sure?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49- Mother?- What?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Gonnae stick your tea up your arse!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55But would you like some?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- All right. - Aye, I knew you would.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Nurse! Nurse!
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Mr Nesbitt. Is everything all right?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08All right? All right is it, no!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Everything is not bloody well all right!
0:11:11 > 0:11:16You see that woman lying there? You see that woman lying there? That is my mother! That's my mother!
0:11:16 > 0:11:21One of the finest, finest human beings ever to walk on this earth.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- Yes, I know. - Aye, well, look!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Bloody well look! - Sorry?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29She has not got her teeth in.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Her gob is a calcium-free zone, isn't it?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And this is the woman that was so self-conscious
0:11:36 > 0:11:40she used to have a dish towel over her knees when she was watching the telly,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45because she thought Trevor McDonald could see in up her bloody skirt!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Rab, this is Restitution Street Secondary.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58- Was school a happy time for you? - Happy? Have you got a dictionary?
0:11:58 > 0:12:04Actually, come to think of it, you know, to be honest with you, there was one happy memory.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- We'll come to that later, eh?- All right.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Do you remember any of your teachers?- Couldn't forget them.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Be quiet and read. - Be quiet and read?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Wee a bit of a contradiction there, sir, but I'll do my best.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24I'm a wee bit of a character, but you'll get to know that.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Oh, come on!
0:12:43 > 0:12:48I mean, the first two, I'll give you, but the meek inheriting the earth?
0:12:48 > 0:12:53I mean what do you get after the earth - a Ford Popular and a free apartment in Castlemilk?
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Right! That is the Bible!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- But the Bible's talking keech, sir. - Hands up!
0:13:00 > 0:13:05You've talked about a single happy memory. What was that?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Well, I was a just a wee...
0:13:07 > 0:13:10simple wee thing, you know?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I got sent a Valentine card, there you are.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, I know, I know, me.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Ugly, scabby Rab, eh?
0:13:18 > 0:13:21I didnae do anything about it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Why not? She was obviously interested.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27No, John, no. Her people was classy.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I mean, they paid full rent and everything, you know?
0:13:31 > 0:13:38Whereas you could've worn your living room carpet like a poncho, the size of the hole that was in it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50What ye got a big reddy for?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Was that your first guess?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Good kisser, aren't I?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58SHE SPITS
0:14:01 > 0:14:06Sorry, Isabel, I should have finished my crisps before I kissed you.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Oh, it's all right.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- It's great bringing a picnic, isn't it?- Aye.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I've never been on a picnic before.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Govan picnic. Ten fags and a bottle of Tizer.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23'Well, it's the end of day one and what have I discovered?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27'I know that Rab is streetwise and shifty.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32'I know that I still despise everything he stands for,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34'and that won't change.
0:14:34 > 0:14:40'But significantly, I no longer despise Rab himself.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42'What changed me?
0:14:42 > 0:14:46'It was that little tale he told about the St Valentine's Day card.
0:14:46 > 0:14:52'This gave him - and me - an insight, an illumination.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55'I could see it in his face.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00'The path not taken, the life that might have been but never was.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05'It's day two, and I fully intend to employ insider knowledge
0:15:05 > 0:15:09'to outflank Rab. There's someone coming to see me
0:15:09 > 0:15:12'who can help me achieve just that.'
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- All right?- Thanks. Lovely.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Who's paying for this, Johnny boy, eh?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- My licence fee, eh?- Rab!
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Mary, how probing can I make my questions?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well, eh...
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Hey, hey, you probe away,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'll be in the toilet.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I have to ask you this.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39How could an intelligent, attractive woman like you
0:15:39 > 0:15:43choose a disgusting reprobate like Rab for a husband?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- She got lucky!- Aw, butt out!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Well, deep down, Rab is a romantic.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53FARTING AND URINATING NOISES
0:15:53 > 0:16:00And he wooed me with a heady combination of chips and ginger.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Oh, er...fizzy juice.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09We're Rab and Mary Nesbitt here, you know?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Our marriage is mair stable than the monarchy.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16Our marriage is an encouragement to every heidbanger, deviant
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and mouth-breathin' sociopath in Wine Alley!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22This is no time to romanticise, Rab.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Rab?- Hey!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Do I look all right?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Oh, you look better than all right.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37You look...no bad.
0:16:38 > 0:16:43I wish you'd get it into your napper that...
0:16:43 > 0:16:46that I love ye, ya daft bitch!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50And I love you...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52ya honkin' midden.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56So you're saying it was a love match right from the start?
0:16:56 > 0:17:01Well, I was inexperienced. I had nothing to compare him with.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I thought all men must have no shirts and smell of bins.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09I tell ye, see women nowadays? I don't know.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I mean, mibbe you can tell me. Cos see mine?
0:17:12 > 0:17:16All I ever get is, "I want this," and, "Gimme that."
0:17:16 > 0:17:17See in the old days?
0:17:17 > 0:17:22All ye ever had to give them was a quick skite around the chops.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24I'll tell you something else, they were happier for it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29They loved ye for it! Even begged ye for more!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32No that you ever gave them any, y'understand.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Ye don't want to spoil them.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Nowadays, ye cannae even talk to them, you know?
0:17:37 > 0:17:42D'you know what it was last year? An orgasm. Eh?
0:17:42 > 0:17:47"Hey, you, gie's an orgasm! Her next door got one."
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Well, away across the landing and get a lend of hers!
0:17:51 > 0:17:55You'll get nae sexual satisfaction fae me, lady! Tell ye.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Give it ecstasy once and next thing ye know, it'll be,
0:17:58 > 0:18:04"Aw, Rab, let us fondle your simmit. How was it for you?"
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I just tell her straight, I say,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"Listen, lady, I have no idea how it was for me,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"cos I always make a point of going to sleep before we finish."
0:18:12 > 0:18:17If you could turn back the clock and live your life all over again,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18what would you change?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Oh, well...
0:18:20 > 0:18:22my living room carpet.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Dark colours show up everything.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Oh, and my PIN number. Rab stole my credit card again. Didn't you, Rab?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Rab? Rab!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- DOOR SLAMS - Such larks, eh?
0:18:44 > 0:18:49- Hello, there, Mary doll! - What the hell time do you call this?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53What am I talking about? What the hell MONTH do you call this?
0:18:53 > 0:18:55C'mon, don't be like that, c'mere.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Don't you "come here" me, Rab Nesbitt!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01You come staggering back here after three months on the jug
0:19:01 > 0:19:04and you expect me to welcome you with open arms?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Open legs would be better.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11How can I put this without hurting your feelings?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13See if I was marooned on Fanny Island?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18And there was nothing but fannies as far as the eye could see?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20And I spotted a footprint in the sand
0:19:20 > 0:19:26and I discovered that footprint was made by Rab "Two Cocks" Nesbitt?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I wouldnae take a lend of those two cocks to rub together to make a fire.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33That's how much chance you have of a wee snuggle up.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38- Are you readin' me, Rab? - Oh, yes. Loud and clear, Mary.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41No semaphore required.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- Night, then, sweetheart. - Good night, sweetheart.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49See that woman there? See that woman?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53If it came to a choice between that woman or Michelle Pfeiffer...
0:19:53 > 0:19:55I would choose Michelle Pfeiffer.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Mind you, I'd have the decency to fee a wee bit guilty about it,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03you know? That's the kind of big-hearted bastard I am.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Watch and learn.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Is that you, Mary doll?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Aye, that's me, Rab. And my lunch better be on the table.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It certainly is!
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Surprise!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Wrap your gnashers roon that!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I was just...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Anybody fancy chips?
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Eh, Rab...see that TLC?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36You got any left for me?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40If you have the pollen, Mary,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I have the stem!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47That's the thing about Mary, isn't it?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Doesnae matter how tame you get. Your wullie's still aff its heid.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58'Mary is a lovely woman, but understandably she's biased.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00'I need to talk to Nesbitt's friends,
0:21:00 > 0:21:04'and who better or worse than the toxic waster in a jacket
0:21:04 > 0:21:06'that is James Aaron Cotter.'
0:21:06 > 0:21:10Jamesie, what is your relationship with Rab?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I am Rab's best friend.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Ya big, mawkit, wet-brained keech-kicker, that ye are.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21You, ya wee heap of rancid pus that you are, eh?
0:21:21 > 0:21:27Rab describes himself as a drunken waster - are you the same?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Rab is more guzzle-orientated than myself.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33I can be drinking quietly, then lo,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I hear the call of the wild hunting horn
0:21:36 > 0:21:40from down below in my loins and I veer off down the alleyways of Govan
0:21:40 > 0:21:46in pursuit of joyful, meaningless, empty sex.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52You're too good for this world.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You've never been understood.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58D'you mean that?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Or are you just bein'...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I'm Jamesie...
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I'm here to help.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Eh, here she's Strippin' The Willow there, eh?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10D'you want me to strip her for ye?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18This is the game, eh?
0:22:18 > 0:22:21See this is what I call living, Mary hen.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23If ever I fancy going out with
0:22:23 > 0:22:27a married middle-aged loser that's got bigger tits than I've got,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29I'll be sure to get in touch.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Right, well.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32No, no, I needed that,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34cos I've been a bit too successful
0:22:34 > 0:22:36wi' the bints lately, know?
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Rab...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Rab!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Did I get aff wi' Esther Rantzen last night?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Gonnae, gonnae take a...
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Gonnae take a look and tell me what to dae.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Dae what you always dae.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Bung her a fake phone number
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and tell her you'll gie her a bell next week.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Come on, champ!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11Pick yerself up.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13You've still got your pride.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21DOG WHINES AND BARKS
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You describe yourself as Rab's best friend,
0:23:33 > 0:23:35but one of the woman you had an affair with
0:23:35 > 0:23:38was Mary, his wife, didn't you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:44This is what we in the sleaze industry call a revenge rumba.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47You see Rab had been indelicate with a young lady.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Upon hearing this, I immediately rushed round to comfort Mary...
0:23:52 > 0:23:53with my...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55comforter.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58How often did you comfort her?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01A gentleman never tells.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06Four times altogether excluding an exuberant fumble on parting.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Don't lump all men together, Mary. I mean, I'm a feminist myself, you know.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19I understand women. Well, I should - I've shagged hundreds of you.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21All right there, Mary hen?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Aye.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I was just saying to the boys here that you must be feeling a wee bit miserable, you know,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29wi' Rab being away. A wee bit insecure, like.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Aye. I'll tell ye something else.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31What's that?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I'm no half missing a podger.
0:24:36 > 0:24:43I've never told you this before, but see you, Mary? You're a fine- lookin' woman, by the way.
0:24:43 > 0:24:48And you're...a fine-lookin' man, Jamesie.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58In the name of God!
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Cotter. You ruined my life. You stole my wife.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I went to the jail because of you. You hear me, Cotter?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I'm no scared of you, Nesbitt.
0:25:11 > 0:25:17If you wannae fight, sure, I'll be happy to take you outside
0:25:17 > 0:25:19and teach you a lesson.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23Unfortunately, I am blind.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26A tragic drinking accident robbed me of my sight,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28otherwise I would be willing...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31nay, delighted to take you outside
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and gie you a thrashing you'd never forget.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37It cannae be adultery. I'm your mate.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38What does that make it?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Friendly fire.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Do you promise me that what you said was true that you never once
0:25:45 > 0:25:47betrayed me with that woman?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49My word of honour.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54And do you promise that you have never been unfaithful to me?
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Oh, I do, Rab.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Cos let's face it, what is a marriage without honesty?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Happy anniversary, Rab.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Happy anniversary, Mary doll.
0:26:08 > 0:26:13Right, then, now that's settled, why don't we all get pished, strip to the scuddy
0:26:13 > 0:26:16and have a wee foursome on the carpet for old times' sake?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Worth a shot.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Apart from sleeping with his wife,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25you also coaxed Rab back into drinking, didn't you?
0:26:25 > 0:26:30Yes. That is correct. But I don't look for thanks.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Naw, naw, naw, I'm no going back to the drink. Ye can cut that oot right now.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45It's self, self, self with you, in't it?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46What about your pals?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49We need a chronic alcoholic in our lives.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51It takes the bad look off the rest of us.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Pure gallus, eh?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Hey, it gets better, too. Show them, Rab.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Hey!
0:27:01 > 0:27:06I'll tell you, it's a bloody sight more fun worn inside than out, eh?
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I know what you're thinking here.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14I am not, I am not an alkie,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17because alkies get pissed
0:27:17 > 0:27:21and lie aboot in gutters.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Well, fair enough, I am pissed.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27I am lying in a gutter.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30But the point is,
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I just dae it casual, you know?
0:27:34 > 0:27:39I mean, to alkies, that's their day job.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I mean, see drink?
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I just take it to be sociable,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48to pass myself in company, you know?
0:27:50 > 0:27:57To lay down the bottom line, I can take drink and I can leave it.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I'd sooner take it, all the same.
0:28:04 > 0:28:11'While still in the pub, a flirtatious female of uncertain vintage caught my attention.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14'It was Jamesie Cotter's wife.'
0:28:14 > 0:28:15My name is Ella.
0:28:15 > 0:28:20Along with Mary, I'm a joint director and fellow operative
0:28:20 > 0:28:23of the House Mice Hygiene Enterprises.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25- You mean you're a cleaner? - Correct.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28If I could ask you this, now just...
0:28:28 > 0:28:32I bet you've never had relations this far north, have you?
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You should try it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Scottish women are always ready -
0:28:37 > 0:28:39it's the damp in the air that does it.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47Pleased to meet you...Joe.
0:28:47 > 0:28:52Pleased to meet you...Ella.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00You all right, Ella? Can I get you anything?
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Start with a dry pair of knickers.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08Aaaaarrrrggghhh!
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Put the mask on, put the mask on!
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Ella.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16What?
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Are we having a lesbian love affair?
0:29:19 > 0:29:22I don't know Mary. How?
0:29:22 > 0:29:26Cos we're woke up in the same bed and we're lying in the bare scuddy.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28We are?
0:29:30 > 0:29:32In the name o' God!
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Oh...and that's no the only thing.
0:29:36 > 0:29:41- What is it? - You've got a love bite on your neck!
0:29:41 > 0:29:43- That's nothing, Mary. - What?
0:29:45 > 0:29:47You've got one on your arse!
0:29:48 > 0:29:52If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
0:29:52 > 0:29:55I wouldn't want anything for myself.
0:29:55 > 0:30:01But I'd like a fatal stroke for Jamesie. I think he deserves it.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06- Are you still on that Bumhole.com? - Naw, I'm on Facebook.
0:30:06 > 0:30:11The last place on earth where a man can give a woman a poke without getting his coupon slapped!
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Are there two Fs in sphincter?
0:30:20 > 0:30:25'Heartened insights gleaned in the pub, I sought to run my scalpel
0:30:25 > 0:30:31'down the bared nerves of Rab's psyche. I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's a nice sentence.'
0:30:31 > 0:30:33We're born alone and we die alone.
0:30:33 > 0:30:38And the bit in the middle, well, it's negotiable, innit?
0:30:38 > 0:30:43- Is that why you found religion? - No. Religion actually found me, John.
0:30:43 > 0:30:48I was actually hiding at the bottom of an empty glass, but funnily enough, it knew where to look.
0:30:52 > 0:30:54Would you care to join us, Mr Nesbitt?
0:30:54 > 0:31:00What, with the Masonic version of Christianity? Oh, aye.
0:31:00 > 0:31:05And lo, three Protestants came from the Eastern Star bearing gifts -
0:31:05 > 0:31:09gold, frankincense, and Nick Faldo golf clubs.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12And they looked upon the Saviour and said,
0:31:12 > 0:31:15"Verily, I think ye looketh a bit Papal to me.
0:31:15 > 0:31:18"Look at the way his eyebrows meeteth in the middle.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22"And look at the way his bootees waggle when we showeth him
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"the video of Riverdance.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27"Nevertheless, we shall call him Findlay.
0:31:27 > 0:31:32"Findlay Corstorphine Christ. We'll put his name down for St Andrews
0:31:32 > 0:31:36"and we shall buy him a Hillman Imp for his 21st."
0:31:38 > 0:31:42Oh, you're all right, I think I'll just have a fag instead.
0:31:42 > 0:31:49..When Jesus came of age and he knew there were a number of things that he must do.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51And he went up to Jerusalem
0:31:51 > 0:31:59and he found in the temple there those that sold oxen and sheep and the changers of the money,
0:31:59 > 0:32:02- sitting...- You go on, yerself, son! You tell 'em!
0:32:04 > 0:32:11And after Jesus had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple!
0:32:11 > 0:32:13And the sheep and the oxen!
0:32:13 > 0:32:16That's all yous he's talking about, by the way.
0:32:16 > 0:32:23All you Frasers and Emilias with your Benetton oxes and your Pringle sheep! Get them all away!
0:32:23 > 0:32:24I'll tell you this, boy.
0:32:24 > 0:32:32See me? I've got nothing, by the way, nothin'! But I have never once coveted my neighbour's wife!
0:32:32 > 0:32:36There ye are. Even though she's separated now.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39That's not my style! Not my style!
0:32:39 > 0:32:41Look, pal, I appreciate your enthusiasm,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44but if I wanted a support act, I'd have booked one. Now get lost!
0:32:44 > 0:32:46All right, all right, all right!
0:32:46 > 0:32:50Why is religion such a divisive subject in Sotland?
0:32:50 > 0:32:55It's not just divisive in Scotland, is it? It's divisive anywhere.
0:32:55 > 0:33:01Up here, they ask what school you went to, so they can find out what religion you are.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05But in the home counties, they ask you what school you went to
0:33:05 > 0:33:07to find out if you were privately educated or not.
0:33:07 > 0:33:11See England? Class. That's what your religion is.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Excuse me, Jim. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm trying to get to Sidcup, no?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22The wife's cousin's going to gie us a billet down there,
0:33:22 > 0:33:25- so I'm wanting to know how to get there and that, no?- What?
0:33:25 > 0:33:29Sidcup. I'm trying to get to Sidcup.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35Eh, you can't understand what I'm saying?
0:33:35 > 0:33:36Oh, is that a fact?
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Well, answer me this, boy.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42Do you watch the television? Eh? Do you watch Neighbours?
0:33:42 > 0:33:43Neighbours, yes.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Do you understand that?
0:33:45 > 0:33:46Of course.
0:33:46 > 0:33:50Well, that's a funny thing, isn't it? That's a funny thing.
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Because I will tell you, that is Australian, by the way.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56That comes from halfway round the other side of the world!
0:33:56 > 0:34:00And I just come from five minutes up the road in Glasgow.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03So if you can understand that, you can understand me.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07So in future, clean your bloody ears oot!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11Ignorant bamstick.
0:34:11 > 0:34:15What we're eating here is a common Govan delicacy
0:34:15 > 0:34:18called a fish supper. Is that right, Rab?
0:34:18 > 0:34:22Well, yeah, that's right, but it's no really right.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26For reasons obscure, there's actually no "aitch" in it, no "aitch".
0:34:26 > 0:34:30It's actually...a "fiss supper", a "fiss supper".
0:34:30 > 0:34:33- A fiss supp-urr.- Correct!
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- MARY:- Gie me the chips.
0:34:39 > 0:34:43- They'll be cold by noo. - Aw, so what? I hate posh dinners.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46Tiny wee amounts, having to eat before ye eat.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01DOOR OPENS
0:35:01 > 0:35:03- Hello... - BOTH: Hello!
0:35:06 > 0:35:12Some place, Govan, eh? Where else can you get a fish supper at nine o'clock in the morning?
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Simple.
0:35:13 > 0:35:19You just pamp it off a drunk that's been lying pissed ootside his close all night.
0:35:19 > 0:35:23- Want a wee drop of this?- Aye...
0:35:35 > 0:35:38Diet up here is notoriously unhealthy.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41Did you never eat fruit or vegetables as a child?
0:35:41 > 0:35:46Well...really, we were just like everybody else up here,
0:35:46 > 0:35:48every other family in the street.
0:35:48 > 0:35:52I mean, we had a fruit bowl, we just didnae have any fruit.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55For years, I thought kirby grips and gas bills must be fruit,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59cos, well, that was a' that was ever in the fruit bowl, you know?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01- Do you blame your parents for that? - Nah.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I realised the wheel turns full circle.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08I mean, I came to realise it's... well, you must know this yersel',
0:36:08 > 0:36:11it's thankless being a parent, innit?
0:36:15 > 0:36:19Burney...come here, son. I've a wee present for ye.
0:36:19 > 0:36:24- Oh, great, can I, Da, can I? - Aye, go on, son, you deserve it!
0:36:31 > 0:36:34That's my boy! That's my boy.
0:36:34 > 0:36:38There's nothing wrong with the human body - it's a perfectly normal and natural thing.
0:36:38 > 0:36:41Does that mean you'll be going topless, then, Maw?
0:36:41 > 0:36:43Certainly not! I think it's bloody disgusting.
0:36:43 > 0:36:47- Thank Christ for that. - Shut it you, ya wee...
0:36:47 > 0:36:51Don't be so sexist. Your mother's got marvellous tits.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54Want a wee chip, Burney, son?
0:36:54 > 0:36:58- Stick yer chips up yer arse! - Hey, hey, hey, manners!
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Please!
0:37:00 > 0:37:03So, ye pump your arse oot the window and you tell your ugly
0:37:03 > 0:37:06wee granddaughter the story of your life.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Where you drank a' the drink, ate a' the pies
0:37:09 > 0:37:12and shit logs that you could block the Clyde with.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15It's all a load o' crap, of course, but it's the only thing
0:37:15 > 0:37:17that keeps her stupid wee yap shut, you know what I'm saying?
0:37:17 > 0:37:21- I feel sullied!- But we are sullied, we're Nesbitts.
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Shut it, you! Yer maw's right.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27Youse boys don't realise the kind of world we're living in here.
0:37:27 > 0:37:29The kind of things your mother and I
0:37:29 > 0:37:32try and protect you against, like drugs and violence...
0:37:32 > 0:37:34- And work.- Aye, exactly!
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I mean, the world's no the place it used to be.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39Fair enough, I might be a parasite,
0:37:39 > 0:37:43but there is a breed of super-parasite oot there noo
0:37:43 > 0:37:47that makes us Nesbitts look like...the bloody Royal Family!
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Come on, Rab, we're no that bad.
0:37:50 > 0:37:56It's sad to think that this place was the hub of British industry.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59Aye... You know, the truth of the matter is, John,
0:37:59 > 0:38:03nae welder in Govan can get a job as a welder nowadays.
0:38:03 > 0:38:07But you'll get a grant to put on a play about welders IN Govan,
0:38:07 > 0:38:08you know what I'm sayin'?
0:38:08 > 0:38:11I mean, actually some day the dole's going to offer me
0:38:11 > 0:38:14a job as a mime artist - miming being on the dole.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Are you with me?
0:38:19 > 0:38:21Do you want this job or not?
0:38:21 > 0:38:24No, I don't want this job, of course I don't want this job!
0:38:24 > 0:38:27You're gonnae gie it to me anyway and just shut up?
0:38:27 > 0:38:31Right. Who here would like a job?
0:38:34 > 0:38:37Mrs Maxwell, can I introduce Rab, who's been tidying your garden for you?
0:38:37 > 0:38:40I'm 84, you know.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43Aye, I thought that.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46No really worth your while goin' on, is it?
0:38:46 > 0:38:49That is why I have prepared you this...!
0:38:50 > 0:38:52But that's no a'...
0:38:52 > 0:38:55I'll throw ye a bin bag as well!
0:38:55 > 0:38:58It is a 24/7 job these days, avoiding work. D'ye know that?
0:38:58 > 0:39:04I actually pity young wasters comin' into the laziness industries nowadays. What chance have they got?
0:39:04 > 0:39:07You've really done nothing in your life, have you, Rab?
0:39:07 > 0:39:10Actually, funny you should say that, I mean...
0:39:10 > 0:39:15cos I was actually just mappin' the genome there before I come oot the hoose.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17Catch a grip of yersel'!
0:39:17 > 0:39:20You tellin' me you've come all the way up here frae London
0:39:20 > 0:39:22to interview a guy that's done nothin' with his life?
0:39:22 > 0:39:24And you're takin' a wage packet for that?!
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Have ye no pride, man, have ye nae pride?
0:39:28 > 0:39:32Now, if you'll excuse me - I'm away to find a cure for cancer,
0:39:32 > 0:39:33ya bam that ye are!
0:39:34 > 0:39:40'At last, I'd succeeded in getting under Rab's skin.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45'I don't want to leave Govan on bad terms,
0:39:45 > 0:39:50'so I've agreed to meet Rab and the others for a wee swally before I go.'
0:39:53 > 0:39:57- So, what was your question again? - What are you?
0:39:57 > 0:40:01I've telt ye. I'm a statistic!
0:40:01 > 0:40:03I mean, poverty never goes oot of fashion
0:40:03 > 0:40:05so I'll tell you one thing, my future is secure.
0:40:05 > 0:40:09I mean, how many of you people in work can say the same thing?
0:40:09 > 0:40:11I can't.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Naebody knows what I'm talkin' aboot!
0:40:16 > 0:40:20SHOUTING
0:40:20 > 0:40:23IMPASSIONED RANTING IN SPANISH
0:40:27 > 0:40:30Bandy! Bandy!
0:40:30 > 0:40:34Bandy, bandage, aye... Bandage!
0:40:34 > 0:40:38Oh, amigo, amigo...!
0:40:38 > 0:40:40You tell the bastards! You tell the bastards!
0:40:40 > 0:40:43EXCITED TORRENT OF SPANISH
0:40:43 > 0:40:46Hands across the sea, brother! Hands across the sea!
0:40:46 > 0:40:50- Adios!- Adios!
0:40:55 > 0:41:00There's nothing restores your faith mair in human nature
0:41:00 > 0:41:04than meetin' some poor bastard that's just as mad as yersel', eh?
0:41:04 > 0:41:09Wait and see this. I love this, watch this...
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Look, look, look. Ready?
0:41:14 > 0:41:18Soft eject. See that, ye see that?
0:41:18 > 0:41:20I'll do it again, I'll do it again.
0:41:20 > 0:41:22I love it. I lap it up, so I dae.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29A moment of sanity in a world gone mad.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33I'm goin'. I'm goin'.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37You'll go far, by the way, you know?
0:41:37 > 0:41:39Your patter's magic(!)
0:41:42 > 0:41:45They're worse than I am, worse. And I'm scum!
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Eh? I mean, maybe you can work it oot, because I cannae.
0:41:49 > 0:41:53But then again, who am I, eh? Who am I? Eh?
0:41:53 > 0:41:57Nah, nah... See when you scrape it a' away, a' the crap,
0:41:57 > 0:42:01and you get right doon to it, right doon to the bottom line -
0:42:01 > 0:42:04they're all a lot o' jumped-up fascist bastards, that's what they are!
0:42:04 > 0:42:07C'mon. What about a drink?
0:42:07 > 0:42:11Maybe just the one, out of politeness.
0:42:11 > 0:42:13Hey-hey! You're the man for me.
0:42:16 > 0:42:20BOTH: # We got married in a fever
0:42:21 > 0:42:24# Hotter than a pepper sprout
0:42:25 > 0:42:28# We've been talkin' about Jackson
0:42:28 > 0:42:32# Ever since the fire went out
0:42:32 > 0:42:34# I'm going to Jackson
0:42:34 > 0:42:38# I'm going to mess around
0:42:38 > 0:42:42# Yeah, I'm going to Jackson
0:42:42 > 0:42:46# Look out, Jackson town! #
0:42:47 > 0:42:50You're looking a wee bit peely-wally there, Johnny boy...
0:42:50 > 0:42:54No, I'm all right, I just had a bad pint. I'm OK.
0:42:54 > 0:42:58Oh, a wee bad pint. Oh, yes, it's been known to happen.
0:42:58 > 0:43:02- I believe you, I believe you. - Oh, good.
0:43:02 > 0:43:03- Thank you.- Aye.
0:43:03 > 0:43:07- And th-thank you for everything.- Aye, nae bother.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10I, er... You know, I...
0:43:10 > 0:43:11I love you.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14I love you, big fella, I really do.
0:43:14 > 0:43:18Aye, nae bother... Nae bother... I love you tae!
0:43:18 > 0:43:19Argh...!
0:43:23 > 0:43:27'I arrived in Govan in search of Rab C Nesbitt's recession.
0:43:27 > 0:43:31'The poverty I was looking for is easy to find.
0:43:31 > 0:43:35'It's in the leaky trainer and the choked aorta valve.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39'Miraculously, that Govan heart still beats - and strongly.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42'But why should I be surprised?
0:43:42 > 0:43:45'As Rab says, scum always rises to the top.
0:43:47 > 0:43:50'So do I approve of Rab? No.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53'Do I like him? Yes.
0:43:53 > 0:43:56'Will any of his ways rub off on me?
0:43:56 > 0:43:58'Not a chance.
0:44:00 > 0:44:03'Now, what are you waiting for?
0:44:04 > 0:44:06'Beat it!'
0:44:31 > 0:44:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:44:32 > 0:44:34E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk