0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Hi, I'm Katy Brand and I'm in a field in Hertfordshire,
0:00:25 > 0:00:29except this field is in a park in St Albans
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and this is Britain's biggest outdoor comedy festival -
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Laughs In The Park.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53Over three nights, three of the world's top comedians will perform
0:00:53 > 0:00:55to around 20,000 people,
0:00:55 > 0:01:00with another 16 acts appearing on the BBC Comedy Presents stage.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02It's like a comedy Glastonbury.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05So here to kick us off is comedy legend Ross Noble.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08CHEERING
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Thank you very much! Oh yes!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Good evening, St Albans! - CHEERING
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Oh, wow!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24That was... Oh, what a lovely warm welcome that was, that was...
0:01:24 > 0:01:28I wasn't expecting you to be so lovely and warm there.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Anyways, it's nice to be here in the park,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35in what appears to be a local dogging area.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39It's always nice. Look out for that later on, on the big screens.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43You might occasionally just see some buttocks,
0:01:43 > 0:01:47just rising out of the foliage like that.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50These lights here, if they flash four times
0:01:50 > 0:01:53that means you can come and join them.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Don't... Just don't judge me, right?
0:01:57 > 0:02:02The other day, I was sat, I was thinking and I went,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"Yeah, yeah, I'd piss on a squirrel."
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Right, oh no, no, because just... Like I know you think you wouldn't,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but don't judge me, you would, right, trust me you would.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Seriously, I thought I'd piss on a squirrel.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Not in a mean way, like, not in a mean way.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24If you're just having a piss on a tree, like that, and a squirrel...
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Now don't' tell me, don't lie to me, don't judge me.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30If you were pissing on a tree... You know they do that thing
0:02:30 > 0:02:34where they run round the tree and pop their heads out like that?
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Don't tell me, if you were having a piss
0:02:35 > 0:02:39and a squirrel put its head out, you'd, "Go on!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Come on, see! You would, wouldn't you?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44You wouldn't be able to help yourself.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46You'd go, "Take it yer eyes!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:49See, don't judge me because you'd all do it!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Well, mainly the fellas obviously,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55it's quite hard for a woman to piss on a squirrel,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'll give you that.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You'd have to hang in the tree, wouldn't you?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04You'd have to hang like that and wait for it to...
0:03:04 > 0:03:07You'd have to put some nuts by the bottom of the tree
0:03:07 > 0:03:09and then hang like that.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Hoy, there's some nuts down there!"
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"I'm not getting them!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"I'd rather go without, to be honest with you."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"Ah, come on, it's my dream since I saw Ross,
0:03:19 > 0:03:21"I want to piss on a squirrel."
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"You freak, hanging from the tree!"
0:03:24 > 0:03:29You'd have to get on another tree, be on a swing on this side here
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and you'd have to...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33The squirrel's over here, right?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The squirrel's there like that, getting ready
0:03:36 > 0:03:38and you'd have to start pissing
0:03:38 > 0:03:41because you'd have to get a good flow on, wouldn't you?
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You'd have to start swinging like that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That's not enough, is it?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48There's not enough of an arc, is there?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49You'd have to really...
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Oh, hang on, you'd be on the seat, that wouldn't work, would it?
0:03:53 > 0:03:54It would come off the side.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57I've not fully thought this through, to be honest with you.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01You'd have to cut a hole in the seat and then get a friend...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03No, don't get a friend to push you.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It'd be fine on the up swing but when you come back,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07you'd go, "Argggggggggh".
0:04:11 > 0:04:15You'd have to get a friend in a wetsuit,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19you'd have to get a friend in a wetsuit with an umbrella,
0:04:19 > 0:04:22cut a hole in the swing,
0:04:22 > 0:04:27start the pissing here and then slowly get higher and higher.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And then, just at the top of the swing,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31you'd have to give it a little...
0:04:31 > 0:04:35a little flick of the hips.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36It's not going to work, is it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39You'd barely splash the squirrel.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42That's like a good new euphemism there, isn't it?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44When we have the break, go, "Where you off to?"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"I'm off to splash the squirrel."
0:04:48 > 0:04:49You can have that for free.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Anyway, the... No, sorry about that.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Why am I apologising to women?
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Sorry, ladies, you don't get to piss on a squirrel.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06You can just piss in a cup and just chuck it, that's the best way.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08That's the way to do that one.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Well, not a cup really, it's more of a beaker,
0:05:11 > 0:05:12so you'd get it straight on.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16A cup, you'd have to go side on because of the handle.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17It would arc.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It would arc around.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21The squirrel would be there getting ready
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and you'd go, phumpf, like that and the squirrel would just shwish,
0:05:24 > 0:05:29a big arc of piss, it'd go like that, "Not bothered."
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Get a friend, get another friend over here
0:05:32 > 0:05:34with another cup of piss, right,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38to arc it the other way, then you're one step ahead of the squirrel.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41You'll stand there like that, squirrel's there.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Here we go! Whoosh, whoosh!
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Big arc of piss that way, squirrel goes, "I don't think so!"
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Aaagh, in the face!
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Yeah!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52One squirrel splashed!
0:05:52 > 0:05:56From above, those two arcs of piss, those golden...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59it would be like a McDonald's advert.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01In fact, that should be the new McDonald's advert,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05it should be a helicopter hovering like that from above
0:06:05 > 0:06:09and it'd just be a squirrel stood there unaware
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and then two women at the same time
0:06:12 > 0:06:15throwing arcing cups of piss in its face.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Phoomf!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I'm lovin' it!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Just an idea.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Thank you very much for the applause,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25that's a beautiful thing, thank you.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31That has got to be one of the most reluctant rounds of applause
0:06:31 > 0:06:32I have ever received.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34You're going, "That's very funny
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"but the wrongest thing I've ever heard.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Are we genuinely applauding
0:06:38 > 0:06:42"somebody throwing two arcing cups of piss into the face of a squirrel?"
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Yes, yes you are.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Ooh, that was weird, a load of women, "Whooo!"
0:06:48 > 0:06:50What's that woman doing there?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51She's climbed on the chair.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Don't do any of this stuff I'm talking about!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Did you see the trees rustling over there?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"We're not having that, we're not having that!"
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I don't want to see next week's episode of Countryfile.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"Hello, I'm John Craven and we're in the St Albans area.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"Look at that squirrel.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11"Cover your eyes!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Are you all massive Countryfile fans?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19"We don't, we don't want to see that!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:25It's all right, it's a grey squirrel, it's not a red squirrel.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- It'll be a red squirrel afterwards. - AUDIENCE GROANS
0:07:28 > 0:07:32What? It's Countryfile live!
0:07:32 > 0:07:37OK, so tonight we've got probably the best comedy show
0:07:37 > 0:07:42you're ever likely to see, certainly observed by wildlife.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Are you up for an absolutely amazing night of comedy tonight?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48CHEERING
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Raise the roof and welcome onto the stage, Tommy Tiernan!
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Thank you very much.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10A big round of applause please for Ross Noble.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:19As you probably know, things are very tough in Ireland right now.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22There's no money,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25which is another reason why I'm here.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Everybody is on the dole.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Everybody.
0:08:33 > 0:08:40Even the lady who gives you the dole is on the dole.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43I don't think that this is a thing Irish people need
0:08:43 > 0:08:46to be upset or worried about.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I think we're used to hard times.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53We've always had recession,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56going all the way back to the 1960s,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59to the 1920s,
0:08:59 > 0:09:04all the way back to the great potato recession
0:09:04 > 0:09:08of the 1840s.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Where 2 million,
0:09:11 > 0:09:132 million
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Irish people died
0:09:17 > 0:09:24because of no potatoes.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Heaped on top of one another in the ditches,
0:09:31 > 0:09:38no, no, no potatoes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41The thickest fuckers on the planet.
0:09:43 > 0:09:49the fields were full of cabbages and sweetcorn
0:09:49 > 0:09:54but no, I don't like cabbage.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I don't like the smell of it.
0:09:59 > 0:10:04It's like the inside of a psychiatric hospital.
0:10:04 > 0:10:10Sweetcorn, don't fucking talk to me
0:10:10 > 0:10:12about sweetcorn!
0:10:12 > 0:10:18All sweetcorn does is hitch a lift
0:10:18 > 0:10:26from your mouth to your arse before it fucks off to the next person.
0:10:27 > 0:10:33I'd rather die in a ditch
0:10:33 > 0:10:36of no potatoes...
0:10:38 > 0:10:42..than have sweetcorn laughing at me.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Lots of people now are trying to get the Irish economy back on track.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52That's the last thing we should be trying to do.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Barack Obama came to Ireland and he said,
0:10:54 > 0:11:00"Ireland, your best days are ahead of you."
0:11:06 > 0:11:11Great...
0:11:11 > 0:11:12What'll we do in the meantime?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22That's like going out for a drink with somebody and he says,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"Jesus, we'll have some session next month!"
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I think that we found out when Ireland had money,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34that money doesn't suit Irish people,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38and when we had money, Irish people, we did things.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Yeah, we spent the money as quickly as we possibly could.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Economists don't understand this, economists are telling us now,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47"You fucked up the good times."
0:11:47 > 0:11:48We're saying, "How?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:52And they're saying, "By spending all your money."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55And we reply, "But that's what we were supposed to do!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58"That's why they were called, 'the good times'."
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You can't be saving your money during the good times, because then...
0:12:03 > 0:12:07they are not the good times.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Then they're the 'in preparation for the bad times' times.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16But we tried things, we tried stuff.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Irish people went skiing.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Who did we think we were?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24We get panic attacks
0:12:24 > 0:12:28if we're in a shopping centre with more than one escalator.
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Was there anything more frightening to the posh fuckers of Europe,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36up there on top of the Alps?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40They've been skiing for generations in their designer gear.
0:12:40 > 0:12:46Gucci boots and Prada trousers and Dolce Gabbana belts.
0:12:46 > 0:12:52And we were there, head to toe, Aldi skiing gear.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57We were in the nip by the time we got to the bottom of the hill.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02The stuff disintegrated if you went faster than five miles an hour.
0:13:03 > 0:13:10Now, I got married recently and marriage can do strange
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and wonderful things to a man.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17First of all, we got marriage advice from a priest.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20LAUGHING
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What was that about?
0:13:26 > 0:13:32Before a man gets married, he likes to think of himself as wild.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37"Oh, you should have seen me before I met you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:43"I'd sleep anywhere on my hind legs in the rain at night,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"with me Mickey in the wind like a horse."
0:13:48 > 0:13:51It's amazing what a few years of warm food
0:13:51 > 0:13:53and central heating will do to you.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Now you get panic attacks if you're left behind in a shopping centre
0:13:57 > 0:13:59that you've never been in before.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09They have to make an announcement over the tannoy.
0:14:09 > 0:14:15"A husband has been found beside the Early Learning Centre.
0:14:15 > 0:14:21"Would the wife that owns him please come and collect him immediately."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24"I told you you were walking too fast!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29"I just slowed down to have a look at a train and you were gone."
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Is it wrong to give
0:14:36 > 0:14:40your own...wife...
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Rohypnol?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:02Not for any kind of deviant sexual purposes,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04but for a bit of peace and quiet.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Like, you know, if there's two matches on a Sunday or something.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You have to make an effort when you're married, don't you, lads?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19You have to.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I've awful lots of stuff wrong with me.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23This is going to sound horny.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I've a soft palate flutter.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32"Oh, lord, does he have butterflies in his throat?"
0:15:32 > 0:15:35No, I snore, or do I?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42It's just an excuse for my wife to fucking hit me.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49And I've no defence against it because I'm asleep.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Sometimes, "You're snoring!"
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"I'm reading a book, how the fuck could I be snoring?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57"I was only pretending to be asleep.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01"You're fucking caught right now, so you are!"
0:16:01 > 0:16:04"Yeah, well, you'll probably be doing it later when you're asleep."
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And even if I am doing it later and she wakes me up,
0:16:09 > 0:16:11she's getting no sense out of me.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14I'm in the middle of a fucking dream.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"You're snoring!"
0:16:16 > 0:16:19"It's the elephant's turn to take a penalty.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26"Is the match over already,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"have the zebras gone off in a huff or something?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"What's happening, was I snoring?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"I'm sorry.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"I am sweetheart, I'm...
0:16:43 > 0:16:44"I said, I'm sorry.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50"I'm not...!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"Fucking time to get up yet, is it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"I'm not grumpy love, I'm not.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06"I'm delighted that you woke me up, I am, yeah!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09"There's no point in one of us getting a night's rest.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13"We both need to be exhausted in the morning
0:17:13 > 0:17:15"so we know how the other one feels."
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I've had to make an effort,
0:17:19 > 0:17:24so I contacted the British Snoring Association
0:17:24 > 0:17:25and I bought everything.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I wear it all...
0:17:28 > 0:17:29at...
0:17:29 > 0:17:30the...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32same...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33time.
0:17:33 > 0:17:40It's like a homemade Hannibal Lecter kit.
0:17:40 > 0:17:46I've a strip that goes across my nose to open up the nasal passageways.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I have a blue rubber mouth guard to stop the air
0:17:49 > 0:17:51going near my soft palate flutter.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56And to stop my jaw from falling open,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57this is what I do for my wife,
0:17:57 > 0:17:58to stop it opening,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02I wear a strap around my head
0:18:02 > 0:18:06like I'm a patient in a Victorian mental asylum.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13And when it's all on, I can't talk, I can't talk.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Which is fine, except we have small children
0:18:16 > 0:18:19and sometimes they wake up in the middle of the night
0:18:19 > 0:18:23and it'll be my turn to go in and comfort them.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I roll out of the bed, naked to the waist,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34a soft horn sticking out of my boxer shorts,
0:18:34 > 0:18:39ploughing across the landing with my hobbit feet into the child.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"What's wrong with you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"What do you mean you can't sleep?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50"There's nothing to be afraid of.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Your father is here now, so he is.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"Will I tell you a story, will I?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02"Once upon a time, there was a man and he was getting no rest
0:19:02 > 0:19:05"and he went fucking insane."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Sex doesn't get any easier when you get married, it gets harder.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18When are you supposed to find time to make love to your wife
0:19:18 > 0:19:20when you have five children?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Can't leave it till last thing at night
0:19:22 > 0:19:27because you're both exhausted, you've been up since six.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30You're lying there on either side of the bed,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32looking at each other like a pair of seals.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38You've sexual needs and sexual desires,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39but you've no fucking energy.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"Hah!
0:19:42 > 0:19:45"Hah!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Uh-uh-uh-uh!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:49"Hah!"
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"Ahhhhhh!"
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"Hah!"
0:19:56 > 0:20:00A good time to make love is about 11 o'clock in the morning.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02The three older kids have gone to school,
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Mammy is putting the two younger kids down for their mid-morning nap.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12Daddy follows Mammy upstairs in the hope of a little loving.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15The only problem with this is, you end up making love
0:20:15 > 0:20:20to whatever music is putting the babies to sleep.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23You just gotta go with the flow of it.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27# Twinkle, twinkle little star
0:20:27 > 0:20:31# How I wonder...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33# Three little kittens have lost their mittens
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# And don't know where to find them...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39# Oh, Mother dear, oh did you hear, we have lost our mittens?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42# You've lost your mittens you naughty kittens
0:20:42 > 0:20:44# You shall have no tea
0:20:44 > 0:20:47# Oh, Mother dear, oh did you hear We have found our mittens?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50# You found your mittens, you lovely kittens. #
0:20:50 > 0:20:53St Albans, it's been a terrific pleasure talking to you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Thank you very, very much for listening.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59CHEERING
0:20:59 > 0:21:05God bless, and a beautiful English midsummer's evening to you. Thank you. Good night.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:16The area I live in London at the moment is really middle class.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21There's a shop near the river that sells bread for the ducks.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24How amazing is that?
0:21:24 > 0:21:29Middle class people don't want the trouble of carrying a mouldy loaf!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I thought it was just going to be an old loaf or something. Brioche!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Brioche for the ducks! How amazing is that!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39How posh are these ducks floating down the river, just going,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42"Oh, I'm sorry, is that a bap?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45"I don't think so.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48"It's brioche for me, we'll leave that bap for the seagulls."
0:21:49 > 0:21:53Start the applause, build it up, build it up!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Give it all you've got! Whooping, cheering!
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Here he is - it's Henry Paker!
0:21:59 > 0:22:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Hello!
0:22:04 > 0:22:09- Woo!- Woo, that's how you reply to hello, fine!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Hello, everybody, are you having a good time?- Yes.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Good. Have you had a nice day?- Yes.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Good. I came up on the train,
0:22:17 > 0:22:23and I noticed a lot of very trendy young people on the train listening to their iPods.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28I've a question for you. Are headphones getting bigger?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Or are wankers getting smaller?
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Can't work out which one it is. It's definitely one of the two.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I've had quite a bad start to the day, actually,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45this morning, because I was supposed to get up.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Yeah, I sort of failed the first task of the day,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53which I do quite a lot because of "snooze".
0:22:53 > 0:22:57Snooze, the insanity of the snooze button,
0:22:57 > 0:23:02it's the enemy of my life, it's the enemy of achievement, it's the enemy of getting things done, isn't it?
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Snooze holds us all back.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Give me a cheer if you own a snooze button.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08CHEERING
0:23:08 > 0:23:11OK. Now give me a cheer if you own a boat.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Point made.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Point made, methinks.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Snooze, it's the most irrational of all the buttons,
0:23:22 > 0:23:23the snooze button.
0:23:23 > 0:23:30it's the only button in all of human technology which does the opposite of the machine.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33It's the getting-up machine,
0:23:33 > 0:23:39but we put a not-get-up button on the getting-up machine even though it's imperative that you get up.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44That's why you bought the getting-up machine and you set it for the time that it's crucial that you get up.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48But don't worry, you don't have to get up because there's a not-get-up option
0:23:48 > 0:23:53we've put on the getting-up machine for the not-get-upping-get-upper.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58It's like having an asthma inhaler which has a button you press and a pack of fags pops out!
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Ladies and gentleman, are you ready for the second act of the afternoon?
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Yes!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Laughs In The Park, make some noise for Angela Barnes!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:13Hello, hello, how are you doing? Are you OK?
0:24:13 > 0:24:17Well, I grew up in a town called Maidstone in Kent. Do you know it?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Really?
0:24:19 > 0:24:22It's a hole, isn't it?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25It's no coincidence that an anagram of Maidstone is I am stoned.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Nothing else to do.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Just anagrams.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35But it's OK, I escaped, I live in Brighton now!
0:24:35 > 0:24:36AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Always gets a whoo! Everyone loves Brighton.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It's because we're so optimistic.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Yes, the shops on the seafront in Brighton sell buckets and spades.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's a pebble beach.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54The only way any castles are getting built on that beach is if they start selling bags of cement.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58So I'm going to tell you some things about myself.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- I am an ichthyophobe. Does anyone know what that means? - You don't like fish.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Exactly, madam, I don't like fish. I've a morbid fear of fish.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09People tell me that's irrational. I say, tell that to Steve Irwin.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15I once got dumped by a guy because I'm afraid of fish.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Right, the guy in question was 31,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19plays Dungeons And Dragons and is obsessed with Lord Of The Rings.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Yeah, he dumped me.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28Haven't felt that uncool since my Dad picked me up from the school disco in our motorhome.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Genuinely, right, this guy sits me down and he says,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33"You see, Angela, the thing is,
0:25:33 > 0:25:38"I've always imagined living in a house where one entire wall is an aquarium,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"so we can't be together."
0:25:41 > 0:25:47"Really, well, I've always imagined a sex life where I don't have to dress up as Frodo.
0:25:47 > 0:25:53"It would appear only one of us understands the concept of beggars can't be choosers."
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Yeah, I don't have much luck with men, I don't have much luck.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00I recently had a bit of an experience where my eardrum burst during sex.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I don't know if you've ever had an eardrum burst on you,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06but it's not pretty, lots of blood and pus involved.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10The look on the guy's face was spectacular as he thought to himself,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14"Jesus Christ, I've actually banged her brains out."
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Despite everything, though, I've just been asked to be a bridesmaid.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Whoo!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22No. That's the seventh time, I'm 34 and single,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24they're definitely taking the piss.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28And brides will insist on dainty little shoes.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I've got size 8 flat feet.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Dainty little shoes make my feet look like whales shoved into canoes.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39I was a bridesmaid last year for my so-called friend. She made me wear a gold dress.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I'll say that again, gold.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44I looked like an Oscar in a wig.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Somehow, though, I did manage to pull that night.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- Whoo!- Thank you.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Went back to his place and on my way home,
0:26:54 > 0:27:00I realised nothing says old slag like a 34-year-old bridesmaid on a bus at eight o'clock on a Sunday morning.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04You guys are going to have an awesome day, so enjoy it. I've been Angela. Goodbye.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Yes, make some noise for Angela Barnes.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Superb!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Oh, yeah! This is great now, isn't it? Look.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I'm even looking a bit more, woooooh!
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Sorry, I just feel like I'm at Glastonbury now. It's brilliant.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33You know how I feel, I feel like Bono now.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Look at that, those people just going, "Knob."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41That's it, isn't it?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Like Bono, what's he got to do to...?
0:27:44 > 0:27:47I mean, I know he wears sunglasses inside and that's enough,
0:27:47 > 0:27:52but it's just... The biggest rock star on the planet, it's Bono.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54"Knob!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:58How did he even play Glastonbury? That must have, you know...
0:27:58 > 0:28:02"Ladies and gentleman, U2!"
0:28:02 > 0:28:06He was like that... "Hah!" Ten thousand people go, "Knob!"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11He's bloody... He's going off to Africa, saving the world.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14"Knob! Knob!"
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Do you think the African villagers do that when he turns up?
0:28:18 > 0:28:20He goes over there.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24IRISH ACCENT: "Ah, Bejesus, I've come over here to save yas all!"
0:28:24 > 0:28:26That's how he talks, Bono.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30They... "Ah, Bejesus, I've gone and travelled all the way over here
0:28:30 > 0:28:34"and I've come to help yas out and save your lives and all the rest of it.
0:28:34 > 0:28:38"Look, I've made a gun that I fire, it cures your AIDS.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41"Right, I've come over..." Too far, perhaps.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47"Ah, Bejesus, hello there, me name is Bono, right oh,
0:28:47 > 0:28:51"I've come to save yas all." "Mr..."
0:28:51 > 0:28:56No, that's Nelson Mandela. No, hang on, no. That's not right.
0:28:56 > 0:29:02Fuck it, the Bono impression's nothing close, I might as well have the African village chief.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06"Ah, Mr Bono.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08"Mr Bono.
0:29:12 > 0:29:13"Thank you for..."
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Oh, it's gone a bit Chinese there. What was that?
0:29:17 > 0:29:22I didn't know Nelson Mandela was some kind of kung fu legend.
0:29:22 > 0:29:30"Hello there. I am Nelson Mandela and I will fight you. Ahhhh!
0:29:30 > 0:29:34"You, sir, Mr Bono, are my arch Kung Fu nemesis
0:29:34 > 0:29:37"and I will fight to the death."
0:29:37 > 0:29:44"Ah, Bejesus! I'll bloody shoot you with my special anti-Aids gun, so I will."
0:29:44 > 0:29:46"So, Bono..."
0:29:49 > 0:29:53He should have done this at Glastonbury, hey?
0:29:53 > 0:29:56Not pissing around in his sunglasses, singing songs.
0:29:56 > 0:30:00Get a Chinese Nelson Mandela out. Let's see you fight.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03I was watching him at Glastonbury, right?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05He did this thing, right?
0:30:05 > 0:30:11He was coming out and he was doing his usual, you know, all that singing.
0:30:11 > 0:30:17I think one of the reasons why people will think he's a knob
0:30:17 > 0:30:20is because he is always performing on rooftops, isn't he, Bono?
0:30:20 > 0:30:23He can't leave it alone, can he? Just use a stage like everyone else.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28But, oh no! "Ah, Jesus, lads, there's a roof up there! Come on, let's get up there!
0:30:28 > 0:30:32"Let's get up there and perform for the passers-by in the street below."
0:30:32 > 0:30:34# Streets have no name... #
0:30:34 > 0:30:39"Get off the roof, it's a health and safety disaster!"
0:30:39 > 0:30:42You leave a window open just a fraction,
0:30:42 > 0:30:45if you don't lock your windows, Bono will be in there.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48"I'll be on the fucking roof.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56"Get away, I know the kung fu.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59"Ah, Bejesus!"
0:30:59 > 0:31:00Oh, no. Hang on.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It's all confused.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07Anyway, the point is, I was watching him at Glastonbury, right,
0:31:07 > 0:31:10and there's Bono doing one of those songs that he does.
0:31:10 > 0:31:15# I wanna be with you in the moonlight and the sunlight
0:31:15 > 0:31:18# I wanna be with you in the moonlight... #
0:31:18 > 0:31:21That's not actually a U2 song, that.
0:31:22 > 0:31:27Just so you know. What I'm doing there is I'm putting into effect something I've invented.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31It's my random U2 lyrics generator that I've come up with.
0:31:31 > 0:31:37What you do to write a U2 song is you just say what you want to do with a woman
0:31:37 > 0:31:41in various different lighting states.
0:31:41 > 0:31:42That's all you do.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46# I wanna be with you in the moonlight, in the sunlight
0:31:46 > 0:31:50# In the torch light, in the head lights of a car, in the fridge light
0:31:50 > 0:31:53# I want to make love to you in the fridge light
0:31:53 > 0:31:55# I want to open the fridge and the light comes on
0:31:55 > 0:31:59# And I'm making love to you there with cheeses and dairy items
0:31:59 > 0:32:01# And I'll close the fridge and I'll open the fridge
0:32:01 > 0:32:04# And then it's on again I wanna make love to you
0:32:04 > 0:32:07# In the moonlight, in the twilight Well, not Twilight
0:32:07 > 0:32:09# That's a movie about vampires That'd be weird
0:32:09 > 0:32:12# I'd be shagging a vampire next to a fridge
0:32:12 > 0:32:15# The vampire's cold and so is the fridge
0:32:15 > 0:32:19# I wanna make love to you near a toaster
0:32:19 > 0:32:22# I wanna make love to you I wanna press the toaster
0:32:22 > 0:32:23# And the glow comes out
0:32:23 > 0:32:26# And that's warm which counteracts the fridge light
0:32:26 > 0:32:29# And the toaster oooh I wanna walk with you
0:32:29 > 0:32:32# Make love to you in a lighthouse
0:32:32 > 0:32:34# I wanna make love to you in a lighthouse
0:32:34 > 0:32:37# Which isn't easy because the light tends to move around
0:32:37 > 0:32:40# And you have to try and keep out of the light
0:32:40 > 0:32:44# There you go I wanna make love to you quickly, faster
0:32:44 > 0:32:45# The light's catching us
0:32:45 > 0:32:47# Quickly, I wanna make love to you
0:32:47 > 0:32:49# It's catching us now
0:32:49 > 0:32:52# It's silhouetting our buttocks onto the rocks out there
0:32:52 > 0:32:54# That's a bit weird I wanna make love to you
0:32:54 > 0:32:55# In the torchlight
0:32:55 > 0:32:58# In the moonlight In the toaster light
0:32:58 > 0:33:00In a tunnel, up the tunnel, come out of the tunnel
0:33:00 > 0:33:02# A little bit more and then go back again
0:33:02 > 0:33:04# Oooh, I wanna make love to you in the headlights. #
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Hey, what are you doing with the headlights?
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Back off, man, shagging someone in a garage!
0:33:10 > 0:33:13That's how you write a U2 song, right there. That's what you do.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Oh, yeah!
0:33:15 > 0:33:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:16 > 0:33:22So, anyway, he was on at Glastonbury, right,
0:33:22 > 0:33:26and he was... And he's singing away, right?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29# I wanna make love to you... #
0:33:29 > 0:33:32"Don't...start...again!
0:33:32 > 0:33:38"If he thinks of any more lighting sources, we could be here for several hours."
0:33:38 > 0:33:43So he's on at Glastonbury, right, and he's singing away and it started to rain.
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Oh, I was laughing because his goggles, right, them goggles of his,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50they started to steam up, didn't they?
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Because I thought, like, cos they're just normal sunglasses.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Some people think that they're like,
0:33:55 > 0:33:59they've got like a display in them that tells him information.
0:33:59 > 0:34:01Like the eyes of the Terminator.
0:34:01 > 0:34:03So when he's singing... # In the moonlight... #
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Three metres to the edge of the stage, two metres,
0:34:08 > 0:34:10one metre to the edge of the stage. Danger, danger!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12AS BONO: "I'll back off there."
0:34:12 > 0:34:14# In the moonlight In the twilight... #
0:34:14 > 0:34:16Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep!
0:34:16 > 0:34:19Poverty detected, poverty detected, detected, poverty detected.
0:34:19 > 0:34:23Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Poverty detected. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
0:34:23 > 0:34:24# In the moonlight... #
0:34:24 > 0:34:30That's what he has, he's got special poverty-detecting goggles that he wears.
0:34:30 > 0:34:34If Bono were to walk into a Lidl, his head would explode.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36LAUGHTER
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Aaaaaaaaaaaah!
0:34:38 > 0:34:42# I wanna make love to you In the light of my burning face... #
0:34:42 > 0:34:47But the point was, right, he's singing away, he's doing the Bono thing.
0:34:47 > 0:34:49# I wanna touch you in the moonlight... #
0:34:49 > 0:34:54Right, but the glasses started steaming up and Bono, he doesn't want to take them off,
0:34:54 > 0:34:57because you'll see that there's nothing there.
0:34:57 > 0:35:02And there's just nothing but glowing red, burning eyes.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04# In the moonlight... #
0:35:04 > 0:35:07And you can see him getting closer to the edge of...
0:35:07 > 0:35:11Not The Edge, obviously, he was over there, wasn't he?
0:35:11 > 0:35:15So he's singing away, and he did this, he does all these movements.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18He walks around the stage like that, and he just points at people
0:35:18 > 0:35:23and he does all this stuff, and then he just unnecessarily just climbs onto things.
0:35:25 > 0:35:31Wow, good balancing, Bono. Wow, you must be great, budgies can do that.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37It's what he thinks he is, Bono, he just thinks he's a big budgie, he's wandering around the stage.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40# Where the streets have no name... #
0:35:44 > 0:35:47AS BONO: "Give us a cuttlefish."
0:35:47 > 0:35:51So... But it's like he ran out of things to do, right.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54He was singing away and he did this.
0:35:54 > 0:35:58This is the move of a man who's run out of physical movements to do.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02He's singing away and then he just did this one.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06# I wanna be with you in the night-time... #
0:36:06 > 0:36:08Kneeling. Now, he thinks he's cool, right, Bono.
0:36:08 > 0:36:14He thinks he's looking good, he thinks he's being rock and roll, doing this with his hand.
0:36:14 > 0:36:20But no, you know what he looked like to me? He looked like a man who was high-fiving a dwarf.
0:36:20 > 0:36:21That's what he looked like.
0:36:21 > 0:36:26He looked like a dwarf had run onto the stage and Bono had gone,
0:36:26 > 0:36:28"Come on, little fella, give us a high-five there."
0:36:28 > 0:36:30You know what my dream is?
0:36:30 > 0:36:37My dream, if I had the money, I would pay for dwarves to tunnel under a rock stadium.
0:36:37 > 0:36:41Weeks and weeks of tunnelling, tunnelling, tunnelling
0:36:41 > 0:36:44and then create a special trap door just there.
0:36:44 > 0:36:48This would be my dream, if I could have anything in the world.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51There's Bono. # I wanna make love to you with a candle
0:36:51 > 0:36:55# A flickering candle I wanna be with you... #
0:36:55 > 0:37:00And I'd be there going, "Come on, do it next to the trap door, Bono. You can do it".
0:37:00 > 0:37:04And I'd hand out pamphlets so everyone knew it was going to happen.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09The anticipation! Bono has got the audience hanging off his every word as he's singing away.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12# Ah-ah-ah. #
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Do it! Do it!
0:37:14 > 0:37:20And then just at that moment, down he goes, the trap door opens. "High-five, Bono!"
0:37:24 > 0:37:26And just as the dwarf leaves the stage,
0:37:26 > 0:37:30he turns around and he goes, "Oh, and by the way, you're a knob!"
0:37:30 > 0:37:33That's my dream. Oh, yes.
0:37:33 > 0:37:38You've got to have a dream, you've got to have a dream.
0:37:38 > 0:37:44Come on, people, make as much noise as you've got. Do it now!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47Welcome to the stage, Andrew Lawrence!
0:37:47 > 0:37:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:50 > 0:37:52Thank you very much.
0:37:52 > 0:37:56Laughs In The Park. How nice to be here in St Albans.
0:37:56 > 0:38:01It's a lot of people! Too many people. I don't like to be around that many people.
0:38:01 > 0:38:05Too many people in general, we're getting in each other's way all the time.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I was rushing around the other day trying to get things done,
0:38:07 > 0:38:11and I ran into a sandwich shop just to grab a sandwich.
0:38:11 > 0:38:14There was a large obese man in front of the sandwich shelf.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17I don't care if people are fat or thin, but he's taking for ever.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21I started coughing to let him know I'm there, he spun round chuckling.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23He said, "Oh, decisions, decisions, hey!"
0:38:23 > 0:38:27I said, "I tell you what, I'll make one for you, shall I?
0:38:27 > 0:38:32"Here you go - chicken salad sandwich, reduced fat, 270 calories, that's the one for you, Chunky.
0:38:32 > 0:38:35"Take it, pay for it, waddle off somewhere and eat it."
0:38:35 > 0:38:37He said, "You can't say that to me!"
0:38:37 > 0:38:39"I can say what I like to you.
0:38:39 > 0:38:43"Because if I start running, you can't catch me, can you?
0:38:43 > 0:38:46"Not unless it's downhill and you're rolling."
0:38:46 > 0:38:50It's aggravating, it's frustrating, you get stuck in a queue behind people.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53Life is so short, we shouldn't have to spend any of it stuck in a queue!
0:38:53 > 0:38:58Some people get angry if they're stuck in a queue, they count to ten, they try to calm down.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01It doesn't really work for me, I've got a little song I sing.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03# Get out of my way, get out of my way, you're ruining my day
0:39:03 > 0:39:05# With your languid display of insouciant dawdling
0:39:05 > 0:39:09# You shower of vermin How dare you impede my progress
0:39:09 > 0:39:11# Please be so kind as to step aside before we collide
0:39:11 > 0:39:14# How hard could it be to step to your right?
0:39:14 > 0:39:17# I've really tried to be polite I've swallowed my pride
0:39:17 > 0:39:19# Towed the line, I've traipsed behind for quite some time
0:39:19 > 0:39:21# Now I'm in a fragile state of mind
0:39:21 > 0:39:22# There's every chance this could end with a fight
0:39:22 > 0:39:25# Get out of my way if you value your life
0:39:25 > 0:39:27# If I had a gun I'd shoot you in the face
0:39:27 > 0:39:31# Get myself a water cannon I'll blast you all into outer space
0:39:31 > 0:39:33# You vacuous fray Shameful melee
0:39:33 > 0:39:35# Appalling brigade of slouching dismay, ruining my day
0:39:35 > 0:39:37# You can't imagine the hell I will raise
0:39:37 > 0:39:39# If you don't get out of my way. #
0:39:39 > 0:39:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:43 > 0:39:51I find I start singing that, I tend to get served a little bit quicker a lot of the time.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55Please welcome on stage Andi Osho!
0:39:57 > 0:39:59That's what I'm talking about.
0:39:59 > 0:40:00Hello, people!
0:40:00 > 0:40:01CHEERING
0:40:01 > 0:40:05- Are we well?- Yes! - Pray it doesn't rain.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07I've got a roof.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09I don't care, I don't care.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11This is nice. It's so middle-class,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14having a little comedy festival out in a park.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17I can virtually smell the pesto from here.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19When I was a kid,
0:40:19 > 0:40:22I was such a stay-indoors, geeky, nerdy little kid.
0:40:22 > 0:40:25My favourite thing to do was making stupid noises.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28I'm going to do some of my noises. Who did this when they was little?
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Uhmmmmm!
0:40:31 > 0:40:33"I'm telling!"
0:40:33 > 0:40:36Everyone did that. Yeah, you did, you grass.
0:40:36 > 0:40:40It's brilliant. I don't understand why we don't still do it as adults.
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Say your mate calls you up.
0:40:43 > 0:40:47"Claire, it's me. I'm having an affair. Darren doesn't suspect a thing."
0:40:47 > 0:40:49You just go, "Uhmmmmm!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51"I'm telling!"
0:40:52 > 0:40:53This is my favourite sound.
0:40:53 > 0:40:57I'll do this and some of you will know straightaway what I mean.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Who used to do this when they was little?
0:40:59 > 0:41:03Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
0:41:03 > 0:41:05And have a competition to see who could do it longest.
0:41:05 > 0:41:09"Ahhhh!" "You cheated, you breathed! I'm telling Mum and Dad!"
0:41:09 > 0:41:13OK, a lot of people here know. There's a few people over there.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16A bunch of people here just don't know what I'm talking about.
0:41:16 > 0:41:19OK, for the people who don't know what I'm talking about,
0:41:19 > 0:41:21I'll tell you why you may not have done this.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23It's cos you had toys.
0:41:23 > 0:41:27All right, the rest of us just had, "Ahhhhhhhhhh!"
0:41:27 > 0:41:29That was it, that was our whole lives.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33I want you to enjoy it, I want you to bring it into your adult life.
0:41:33 > 0:41:34I'll tell you when you use it.
0:41:34 > 0:41:38If you find yourself in a bit of an awkward situation, yeah?
0:41:38 > 0:41:40And you don't know what else to say, say that.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Imagine the situation, someone comes up to you, and goes,
0:41:43 > 0:41:45"Did you realise you were doing 40 mph
0:41:45 > 0:41:47"in a 30 mph zone?" Turn to them and go,
0:41:47 > 0:41:54"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" And see how long you can do it for.
0:41:54 > 0:42:02"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
0:42:02 > 0:42:04Just do it, just do it!
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Although I'm going to have to update that mime.
0:42:06 > 0:42:09That is an old car, innit?
0:42:09 > 0:42:12Ladies and gentlemen, you've been lovely, I've been Andi Osho.
0:42:12 > 0:42:15Cheers! Enjoy the rest of your night.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Andi Osho!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21That's how it's done.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25I'm joined now by the man behind the whole thing, Eddie Izzard.
0:42:25 > 0:42:29- Am I the man behind it?- You are. How did you get the idea for the show?
0:42:29 > 0:42:32I just got pissed off with being on the B stage,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35and if someone on the main stage, a band had turned it up to 11,
0:42:35 > 0:42:37then you're going, "So, anyway!
0:42:37 > 0:42:40"Then! I went into a room!"
0:42:40 > 0:42:45- "Na-na-na..."- Then a rumour goes round the main band has gone on stage and half the room empties.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47- Yeah.- In the middle of someone's comedy set.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49Well, I worked out that you had to play
0:42:49 > 0:42:53at like 3.30 in the morning at The Comedy Store.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55You had to play it really fast, really tight,
0:42:55 > 0:42:57hammer through it,
0:42:57 > 0:43:00and people could also be quite blasted as well.
0:43:00 > 0:43:03And music festivals, cos it's a feel gig,
0:43:03 > 0:43:05and comedy is a mind gig,
0:43:05 > 0:43:07and that is the difference in it.
0:43:07 > 0:43:12If you go from theatre through stand-up to rock and roll,
0:43:12 > 0:43:15I have been trying to steal from rock and roll from the beginning,
0:43:15 > 0:43:17because we were kind of...
0:43:17 > 0:43:21Initial photographs in the comedy lexicon
0:43:21 > 0:43:23were kind of photographs like this,
0:43:23 > 0:43:26which I thought, "That's awful, let's do moody photographs."
0:43:26 > 0:43:27We now all do moody photos,
0:43:27 > 0:43:30and great, everyone's gone in different directions.
0:43:30 > 0:43:31This is not because of me,
0:43:31 > 0:43:35I was just in that group, pushing to change things in the 1990s.
0:43:35 > 0:43:37But it is a theatrical experience,
0:43:37 > 0:43:39because people need to be paying attention.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42They can be lightly buzzed, but not off their faces.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45Most comics, when you ask them, will tend to say
0:43:45 > 0:43:47they like to play small, intimate environments,
0:43:47 > 0:43:49where they can see the whole audience,
0:43:49 > 0:43:52and the idea that it might be a small number of people,
0:43:52 > 0:43:54but they all really get what you do
0:43:54 > 0:43:57and you can create an atmosphere in a small environment.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00Whereas something like this - it's so huge at the back.
0:44:00 > 0:44:04- How do you navigate round an audience?- You play large intimate environments.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06- Big intimacy is something... - Big intimacy?
0:44:06 > 0:44:09What's your strategy to create big intimacy?
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Play it exactly the same as you do to 100 people.
0:44:11 > 0:44:15I did street performing for five years, where we used to shout our heads off,
0:44:15 > 0:44:19but I found, bringing it in is the trick.
0:44:19 > 0:44:20Don't push it out.
0:44:20 > 0:44:23Actually, just do whatever you were doing before.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25So if somebody doesn't analyse it,
0:44:25 > 0:44:28just gets on stage and does the same gig, that should work better.
0:44:28 > 0:44:30I went through the gamut of analysing it,
0:44:30 > 0:44:33re-analysing it and coming back to the beginning of saying,
0:44:33 > 0:44:35"Just do the small gig, cos they can see it."
0:44:35 > 0:44:42It's amazing how you talk about it, because your stage persona is obviously famously whimsical,
0:44:42 > 0:44:44and sort of artfully distracted,
0:44:44 > 0:44:47and so people might be forgiven for thinking
0:44:47 > 0:44:51you're just waltzing onto this, doing your thing and waltzing off again,
0:44:51 > 0:44:54- whereas you're very involved in every aspect.- My military strategy.
0:44:54 > 0:44:58I'm a transvestite who's got this far, so...
0:44:58 > 0:45:03You see these seats? I'd prefer people sitting on the grass, which we're doing at the BBC stage.
0:45:03 > 0:45:06Next year we'll probably take these out, leave those at the back.
0:45:06 > 0:45:09We can keep changing it. I want people to camp over here.
0:45:09 > 0:45:13I want it to extend into the three days properly. We're experimenting
0:45:13 > 0:45:17- with every bit of it.- You're building to a proper comedy festival?
0:45:17 > 0:45:21Yes, if this is a success, there will be more comedy festivals,
0:45:21 > 0:45:24like there was a Glastonbury, now there's a whole bunch.
0:45:24 > 0:45:26There was a Monterey, there was a Woodstock.
0:45:26 > 0:45:30Last year we were the baby Woodstock of comedy. That was half a million,
0:45:30 > 0:45:32we were slightly less than half a million.
0:45:32 > 0:45:34- Thank you very much for talking to me.- Not at all.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37- Enjoy your show tonight. - Thank you very much.
0:45:37 > 0:45:40Ladies and gentlemen, go wild and crazy and welcome
0:45:40 > 0:45:42Eddie Izzard!
0:45:54 > 0:45:56St Albans!
0:45:56 > 0:45:58CHEERING
0:45:58 > 0:46:01Yes, I know you're not really St Albans.
0:46:01 > 0:46:03Who is St Albans? If you're St Albans go "whoo".
0:46:03 > 0:46:07- CHEERING - If you're not St Albans, go "ooh".
0:46:07 > 0:46:08- LOUDER CHEERING - St Albans,
0:46:08 > 0:46:10you're going down in a fight.
0:46:10 > 0:46:12Tonight I will talk to you
0:46:12 > 0:46:14about everything that ever happened in the world
0:46:14 > 0:46:17because I have read Wikipedia and I know it all.
0:46:17 > 0:46:19Now there are mistakes in Wikipedia,
0:46:19 > 0:46:22but you know, you know,
0:46:22 > 0:46:25wars have probably started from arguments. People saying,
0:46:25 > 0:46:28"How do you make soup, how do you make it? Oh, you put that thing in,
0:46:28 > 0:46:30"No, you...oh." Arguments.
0:46:30 > 0:46:32Jim. Freddy. Kenny. Rogers. Two people.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34Mr Jim-jams. How do you... And people don't know.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Now before, you just did, like,
0:46:37 > 0:46:40"Fucking soup's made with ladles."
0:46:40 > 0:46:43Now you go, "Hang on, hang on, I've got an iPhone and Wikipedia
0:46:43 > 0:46:46"and in two minutes I can give you the answer.
0:46:46 > 0:46:49"Or I've got a BlackBerry, and with Wikipedia,
0:46:49 > 0:46:52"in three days I can...
0:46:52 > 0:46:56"On this Blackberry, fucking piece of shit. Oh, it types well."
0:46:59 > 0:47:02There's stuff. Everything is there on Wikipedia,
0:47:02 > 0:47:04more stuff than is needed.
0:47:04 > 0:47:08There's more things on Wikipedia than exist in the world.
0:47:08 > 0:47:10You say "Jam, how do you make jam?"
0:47:10 > 0:47:12And you put in jam, Wiki - that's all you do -
0:47:12 > 0:47:15and it says jam was invented in 1470
0:47:15 > 0:47:19- by Mr and Mrs Jam who... - HE MUMBLES
0:47:19 > 0:47:23..and they made it out of strawberry, raspberry, Frisbee, Frisbee jam,
0:47:23 > 0:47:26cannonberries, blueberries, blackberries...
0:47:26 > 0:47:28whiteberries? I don't know.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31Too much, and there's photos, have you noticed there's photos?
0:47:31 > 0:47:33People take photos of jam, jam, jam,
0:47:33 > 0:47:35jam, jam, jam,
0:47:35 > 0:47:37jam dancing, jam on holiday,
0:47:37 > 0:47:40jam shopping, jam in a helicopter, jam...
0:47:40 > 0:47:43You do this with your finger on the BlackBerry,
0:47:43 > 0:47:45I don't know what the fuck you're doing.
0:47:45 > 0:47:48And there's too much, but there's other words in colours,
0:47:48 > 0:47:50you can click on another word, and it goes "Helicopters!
0:47:50 > 0:47:53"Helicopters are much more interesting than jam,
0:47:53 > 0:47:57"invented in 1570 by Mr and Mrs Helicopter,
0:47:57 > 0:47:59"come in lots of different flavours of helicopter."
0:47:59 > 0:48:01Apache helicopter,
0:48:01 > 0:48:02Chinook,
0:48:02 > 0:48:03the one with the bubble,
0:48:03 > 0:48:05one with people like this...
0:48:05 > 0:48:07And sometimes you click on a word
0:48:07 > 0:48:09and it says there is no page for this word.
0:48:09 > 0:48:13Why the fuck have they put a page when...
0:48:13 > 0:48:16Just don't light the fucking word up,
0:48:16 > 0:48:19otherwise you'll light every single word up in the whole of the world,
0:48:19 > 0:48:22and say there's no page for this word, there's no page.
0:48:22 > 0:48:25It's stupid. Cos we've got a habit now, haven't we?
0:48:25 > 0:48:27We have a habit, like Pavlov and his dogs.
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Pavlov would ring a bell, the dogs would do things.
0:48:30 > 0:48:32He'd ring once, the dogs would dance.
0:48:32 > 0:48:35He'd ring two times and they'd sing, "Ruh-ruh-ruh,
0:48:35 > 0:48:37"Ruh, ruh, ruh-ruh-ruh."
0:48:37 > 0:48:38Three times,
0:48:38 > 0:48:41and they'd make cake mix! Cake mix.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Cos a dog's paw is perfect for cake mix.
0:48:44 > 0:48:48If you run electric voltage through a dog's paw - vrrrr!
0:48:48 > 0:48:50The dog looks a little bit wired.
0:48:50 > 0:48:53This is the thing, we now have power, we have power,
0:48:53 > 0:48:56we have these computers. It's so fast now with Wi-fi.
0:48:56 > 0:49:00You write an email, a little box comes up on the screen and says,
0:49:00 > 0:49:03"Do you want to do a software update? Like a latte?
0:49:03 > 0:49:04"Do you want a latte?"
0:49:04 > 0:49:05"Yeah, OK."
0:49:05 > 0:49:07"Do you want to do it now?"
0:49:07 > 0:49:08"Yeah, OK."
0:49:08 > 0:49:10"Do you want to know the details?"
0:49:10 > 0:49:12"No, not really.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14"Too fucking complicated."
0:49:14 > 0:49:16And then the blue line!
0:49:16 > 0:49:19The blue line of time appears on the screen,
0:49:19 > 0:49:21and when the line of time appears on the screen,
0:49:21 > 0:49:24time fucks off and goes round the back of its brain.
0:49:24 > 0:49:29It does something that would make Einstein go, "Whu-whuzzat?
0:49:29 > 0:49:30"Whuzza-wuz g'wan?"
0:49:30 > 0:49:32Because it goes, "Eight minutes to download!
0:49:32 > 0:49:34"Seven minutes to download,
0:49:34 > 0:49:38"six minutes to download, five minutes to download, nine minutes to download,
0:49:38 > 0:49:43"12 minutes to download, three hours to download, six minutes to download,
0:49:43 > 0:49:45"four minutes to download.
0:49:45 > 0:49:46"A day to download.
0:49:46 > 0:49:47"Three years to download.
0:49:47 > 0:49:49"Two seconds to download!
0:49:49 > 0:49:50"Three years to download...
0:49:50 > 0:49:53"Two seconds to download!" Then it turns into a barbershop,
0:49:53 > 0:49:55with that bluey-whitey thing.
0:49:55 > 0:49:57You go, "Toothpaste? What the fuck now?"
0:49:57 > 0:50:02Then it finishes down to zero and says "unpackaging" like it's getting its pyjamas out or something,
0:50:02 > 0:50:04and it's just brushing its teeth.
0:50:04 > 0:50:06"Hang on, I'm going to do the software.
0:50:06 > 0:50:09"Just got to unpackage something and put stuff away,
0:50:09 > 0:50:13"put that over there, that makes everything slightly different."
0:50:13 > 0:50:14Then it stops and says, "Hang on,
0:50:14 > 0:50:18"You've got to sign a new agreement with iTunes."
0:50:18 > 0:50:23And I have signed 4,529 agreements with iTunes,
0:50:23 > 0:50:26what the fuck do they want?
0:50:26 > 0:50:29They're like the three witches in Macbeth.
0:50:29 > 0:50:31"Ha-ha-ha, we'll make a new agreement,
0:50:31 > 0:50:33"a new agreement for the world!"
0:50:33 > 0:50:35"Yes, indeed, I agree."
0:50:35 > 0:50:39"We'll make them sign the terms and conditions again."
0:50:39 > 0:50:40"Again, yes!
0:50:40 > 0:50:43"Shall we change the terms and conditions?"
0:50:43 > 0:50:45"Not at all!
0:50:45 > 0:50:47"Exactly the same."
0:50:49 > 0:50:51There's tonnes of terms and conditions.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53We get it so much. Little box there,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55"Have you read the terms and conditions?"
0:50:55 > 0:50:58We tick the little box there, and when we tick that box,
0:50:58 > 0:51:00"Yes, I have read the terms and conditions,"
0:51:00 > 0:51:02a little part of each of us dies.
0:51:03 > 0:51:05Because the truth is
0:51:05 > 0:51:09that no-one in this field has read the terms and conditions.
0:51:09 > 0:51:12No-one in St Albans.
0:51:12 > 0:51:13No-one in the area,
0:51:13 > 0:51:16no-one in London, in the world!
0:51:16 > 0:51:19Even God has not read the terms and conditions.
0:51:19 > 0:51:22The people who wrote the terms and conditions didn't read them,
0:51:22 > 0:51:24just went, "Anything, anything.
0:51:24 > 0:51:28"Cheese will be taken from your buttocks and given to Mr Jim-jams."
0:51:28 > 0:51:30"Accept?" "Yes, fine, I agree."
0:51:30 > 0:51:33"We will sell your knees to the Chinese."
0:51:33 > 0:51:35"I love that, that's fine."
0:51:35 > 0:51:38There should be a thing saying, "Have you read the terms and conditions?"
0:51:38 > 0:51:40and a box that says, "Of course not."
0:51:40 > 0:51:42There should be an "of course not".
0:51:42 > 0:51:46"Are you joking? What are you, mad?"
0:51:46 > 0:51:51Another box should say, "Have you read half the terms and conditions?"
0:51:51 > 0:51:52"Mmmm, no."
0:51:52 > 0:51:55"Have you read one paragraph of the terms and conditions?"
0:51:55 > 0:51:56"Ah...no."
0:51:56 > 0:51:59"Have you read even one word of the terms and conditions?"
0:51:59 > 0:52:01"Nah!"
0:52:01 > 0:52:05"Have you not read the terms and conditions but you don't care?"
0:52:05 > 0:52:07"Yes."
0:52:07 > 0:52:09And remember, we've all done this.
0:52:09 > 0:52:11I think everyone here has done this,
0:52:11 > 0:52:13and they could come for us.
0:52:13 > 0:52:15iTunes could knock on the door and say,
0:52:15 > 0:52:18"Yeah, you said your children could be put into a box
0:52:18 > 0:52:21"and your buttocks can go to the Chinese."
0:52:21 > 0:52:25"Hmm?" "It's an iTunes thing you signed. The ninth paragraph."
0:52:25 > 0:52:28"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
0:52:28 > 0:52:29They could come at any time.
0:52:29 > 0:52:32I think they're quite nice people, but they could do.
0:52:32 > 0:52:36"We've put something in there, man, you wouldn't believe."
0:52:36 > 0:52:38So you do that and you tick it,
0:52:38 > 0:52:39and they do the update,
0:52:39 > 0:52:41and nothing changes on the computer.
0:52:41 > 0:52:43It's exactly the same.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48So, beginning of time, right? Nothing.
0:52:48 > 0:52:50Three billion years of stromatolites.
0:52:50 > 0:52:52Look them up when you get home on Google.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54Boring, just carbon dioxide turning into oxygen.
0:52:54 > 0:52:57Dinosaurs, I thought dinosaurs were all over this.
0:52:57 > 0:52:58No, dinosaurs are here.
0:52:58 > 0:53:01165 million years? We're only 5 million.
0:53:01 > 0:53:04165 of idiots!
0:53:04 > 0:53:08Dinosaurs were just idiots. "Blah!" That's all they did.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10Every morning, tonight, all day,
0:53:10 > 0:53:13seven days a week, for 165 million years.
0:53:13 > 0:53:16Big ones, small ones, wide ones, thin ones, and the ones that flew.
0:53:16 > 0:53:18"Blah!" That's all they did.
0:53:18 > 0:53:21Think about it. There was no finessing of that.
0:53:21 > 0:53:23"Blah! Ooh. Blah!"
0:53:23 > 0:53:25There's no hesitation,
0:53:25 > 0:53:29no, you know...no contemplation.
0:53:29 > 0:53:31"Blaah?"
0:53:31 > 0:53:33No mercy, no pity.
0:53:33 > 0:53:34"Blah!" "Oh, bluh?"
0:53:34 > 0:53:35"Blah!" "Ah-gah?"
0:53:35 > 0:53:38"Blaaah...ah, bluh-huh." "Ah!"
0:53:41 > 0:53:46Nothing. No administration. They never had any organisation. No...
0:53:46 > 0:53:49"Ah-gah-ah?" "Ah, ah was ah-tha."
0:53:49 > 0:53:51- MUMBLING:- "Ah-gah. Agh-ah-wah." "Ah didn't."
0:53:51 > 0:53:53"Ah was ah-thah."
0:53:53 > 0:53:54"Ah fucking gah wah."
0:53:54 > 0:53:57"Ah, wah tha be tha, the fah."
0:53:57 > 0:54:00"Ah, for fuck's sake!"
0:54:00 > 0:54:02There was no poetry, no dinosaur poetry.
0:54:02 > 0:54:03No dinosaur ever went,
0:54:03 > 0:54:05"Ah was ah, uh was whuh,
0:54:05 > 0:54:06"Ah tha whagh-gha-hah,
0:54:06 > 0:54:08"Uh no-no wha gha hell uh whuh,
0:54:08 > 0:54:10"But agh, ah-hoo, agh-ba-ghuh.
0:54:10 > 0:54:13"Abee gha-bee, abuh ghu-buh."
0:54:13 > 0:54:16No music. The Tyrannosaurus rex has a perfect shape,
0:54:16 > 0:54:18perfect shape, for playing the ukulele.
0:54:20 > 0:54:24All dinosaurs stupid. But there's one not stupid one.
0:54:24 > 0:54:27The dinosaur in the film Jurassic Park, the Steven Spielberg one,
0:54:27 > 0:54:30the raptors. Raptors were clever.
0:54:30 > 0:54:34They were smaller, our size, maybe the same brain-space ratio.
0:54:34 > 0:54:37And in the film, do you remember they opened the doors?
0:54:37 > 0:54:41They do a lot of head turning. "Rargh! Myaah!"
0:54:41 > 0:54:43Sounded a bit like Kenneth Williams. "Nyaah!"
0:54:43 > 0:54:47Opened a door at one point. They switched off the electricity.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49"Nyaah!"
0:54:49 > 0:54:52They downloaded pornography at one point. "Myaaah!"
0:54:52 > 0:54:55And I think a raptor in a small car, with a little hat on,
0:54:55 > 0:54:58maybe he could just be one of us driving around.
0:54:58 > 0:55:00"Raargh, argh!
0:55:00 > 0:55:02"Aargh..."
0:55:02 > 0:55:06Police pulling him over - "Is this your car?" "Aah, yah!"
0:55:06 > 0:55:08"Do you know what speed you were driving at?"
0:55:08 > 0:55:13"Uh, uhh, uuuh, pfff...45?"
0:55:15 > 0:55:19"No, 127 mph."
0:55:19 > 0:55:23"Aah, aah, aah very busy!"
0:55:23 > 0:55:24"Yeah, well...
0:55:24 > 0:55:28"Come on, get out of the car... Aaah! It's a raptor,
0:55:28 > 0:55:33"it's a raptor in the car. A raptor in the Renault Megane.
0:55:33 > 0:55:34"Give me the bazooka.
0:55:34 > 0:55:37"OK, ready?"
0:55:37 > 0:55:41Whoosh... Pow!
0:55:41 > 0:55:44"Shit! Missed!
0:55:45 > 0:55:48"No, I hit... I hit something funny."
0:55:53 > 0:55:56I can't think of what to put there, so...
0:55:56 > 0:55:59that's one for you to take home and to fill in.
0:55:59 > 0:56:03But to finish up tonight, I will tell you about the Romans
0:56:03 > 0:56:05cos the Romans conquered the known world
0:56:05 > 0:56:07and they killed many people and were based here.
0:56:07 > 0:56:10They killed people, we don't know their names, so it's OK now.
0:56:10 > 0:56:15But they did this with a language which we know from school is shit!
0:56:15 > 0:56:18It's too confusing - nominative, accusative, evocative,
0:56:18 > 0:56:21dative, ablative. Too much, man, it's too confusing.
0:56:21 > 0:56:22How did they conquer the world?
0:56:22 > 0:56:25When Hannibal attacked and came across the Mediterranean,
0:56:25 > 0:56:29across Spain, the south of France, over the Alps, on elephants!
0:56:29 > 0:56:33For the first time and the last time.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35And he won one battle, two battles,
0:56:35 > 0:56:37he was winning battles everywhere, and the Romans
0:56:37 > 0:56:40were scared for the first time and messengers were running around
0:56:40 > 0:56:43with messages in Latin, to inform the soldiers, in Latin, what to do.
0:56:43 > 0:56:49It must have been terrible. "Ave, centurianus...centuriate?"
0:56:51 > 0:56:56"Ave, messenger... Avare messengerani...messengarius...
0:56:56 > 0:56:58"Dictate a moi...
0:56:58 > 0:57:01"Just fucking tell me, all right?"
0:57:01 > 0:57:04"Si, si, mein herr.
0:57:05 > 0:57:09"Messengario Hannibalus...Hannibal - arriva...arrivaramus...
0:57:09 > 0:57:13"arrivarandus - arrivederci - veni, vidi, vici!"
0:57:13 > 0:57:16"Veni, vidi, vici?" "Ja, mein herr"
0:57:16 > 0:57:18"Mit soldatus?"
0:57:18 > 0:57:22"Naturelement mit soldatus, yeah." "Und how many? Wie weil soldatus?"
0:57:22 > 0:57:30"Oh, right. Number soldatus M, M, M, M, M, M, say M, M, M, M, C, M, L...
0:57:30 > 0:57:33"Hang on... M, M, M, C, M, L, L, L, X,
0:57:33 > 0:57:37"X, X, C, I, V, V, V, I."
0:57:37 > 0:57:40"27 soldiers?"
0:57:40 > 0:57:41"No, a million a night."
0:57:41 > 0:57:44"Oh, I mean, multos, maximus, infinitatus soldatus,
0:57:44 > 0:57:47"infinitatus soldatus, mathematicalatus, impossibilatus.
0:57:47 > 0:57:50"Non pensare, then ask Pythagoratus.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52"Pythagoratus infinitatus?"
0:57:52 > 0:57:53"Oh, impossibilatus."
0:57:53 > 0:57:55"Merci."
0:57:55 > 0:57:56"Pi?"
0:57:56 > 0:57:58"Oh, thanks very much!"
0:57:58 > 0:58:02"Also, Hannibal, he'll be coming round the mountains when he comes.
0:58:02 > 0:58:04"He'll be coming round the mountains when he comes.
0:58:04 > 0:58:06"Coming round the mountains, coming round the mountains,
0:58:06 > 0:58:08"coming round the mountains when he comes.
0:58:08 > 0:58:12"And he comes mit elephantine, mein herr." "Elephantine?" "Elephantine."
0:58:12 > 0:58:17"Quod the fuck elephantine erat?"
0:58:17 > 0:58:19"Elephantine tres dangereux. Front partus,
0:58:19 > 0:58:21"maximum squirrel upside-downus back to frontus,
0:58:21 > 0:58:23"back partus - biggest piggus ever seenus."
0:58:23 > 0:58:28And that is why Latin is now a dead language.
0:58:28 > 0:58:29Thank you very much!
0:58:31 > 0:58:33Laughs In The Park, St Albans! And goodnight.
0:58:38 > 0:58:43For more Laughs In The Park, digital viewers can press red now.
0:58:52 > 0:58:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:58:54 > 0:58:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk