0:00:14 > 0:00:17What?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Oooh!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Haud it, haud it, haud it. Haud it, haud it, haud it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24DOORBELL BUZZES
0:00:24 > 0:00:29Come on, come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on. Yeah, mate, sorry.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32The public toilets are out of order there, and could I...?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- I know it's cheeky, man. - No, it's OK. It's fine.- Oh, cheers.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- Just through there.- Thanks. I do appreciate this.- No problem.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52HE GROANS
0:00:52 > 0:00:53HE URINATES
0:01:11 > 0:01:14MUSIC: "Nutbush City Limits" by Tina Turner
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# A church house gin house
0:01:37 > 0:01:38# A school house outhouse
0:01:40 > 0:01:41# On highway number 19
0:01:43 > 0:01:44# The people keep the city clean
0:01:44 > 0:01:47# They call it Nutbush
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Oh, Nutbush
0:01:52 > 0:01:53# They call it Nutbush City Limits
0:01:59 > 0:02:00# 25 was the speed limit
0:02:02 > 0:02:04# Motorcycle not allowed in it
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# You go to store on Fridays
0:02:07 > 0:02:10# You go to church on Sundays
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# They call it Nutbush
0:02:12 > 0:02:14# A little old town
0:02:14 > 0:02:16# Oh, Nutbush
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# They call it Nutbush City Limits... #
0:02:21 > 0:02:24And so I've set up office in here and I'm going to run
0:02:24 > 0:02:29as an independent candidate for the Burnistoun West seat.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33People say single-issue candidates are never a good thing for politics.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Well, the needless installation of traffic lights
0:02:35 > 0:02:37at the Dekebone Roundabout
0:02:37 > 0:02:40is a single issue around which this whole community has rallied.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43If our MP had dealt with this single issue in the first place,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45there would be no need for me to do this.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50But let's say you win. You'll need to think about more than the traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Well, I'll worry about that when I win.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55CONVERSATIONAL HUBBUB
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I cannae believe that we've won.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I was just hoping to make a point, really,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03but to have actually won just shows you the strength of feeling
0:03:03 > 0:03:06people have towards these utterly needless traffic lights
0:03:06 > 0:03:11at the Dekebone Roundabout, which it is now my job to have removed.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Now, I think the police are happy for them
0:03:15 > 0:03:19to hang around on the spare ground, but my house backs onto it,
0:03:19 > 0:03:25and this gang are regularly smashing my windows and intimidating me.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Right. And where is your house in relation to the Dekebone Roundabout?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Nowhere near the Dekebone Roundabout!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33I just told you where I lived.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Well, is there some way you can get these boys onto the Dekebone Roundabout?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39What are you talking about?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43Like, put some alcopops out for them, as bait.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Lure them onto it, and then maybe I can help you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51Why should they need to be on that roundabout for you to help me?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Well, I was elected on the Dekebone Roundabout issue.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57That's where my focus is. That's reality.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00I mean, nobody was expecting a hung parliament in the first place,
0:04:00 > 0:04:04but for the whole thing to hinge on me was just incredible.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06What did the Prime Minister say to you?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I didn't give him the chance to say anything.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I just says, "Here, you, never mind saving your own backside,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"what about these traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- What did he say?- He asked me to be the Foreign Secretary.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21HE COUGHS
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Sorry, Mr President, I'm choking on my roll and tattie scone here.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yes, I know the Middle East situation is very complex,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33but I feel we can solve it by taking the same approach
0:04:33 > 0:04:35as I've taken to the Dekebone Roundabout.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Are you aware of that particular chaos?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42I've come unfeasibly far in British politics,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45and I suppose it's inevitable that the thing that got me where I am
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- is the thing that finishes me off. - Is this breaking news?
0:04:49 > 0:04:54On the day I finally get the traffic lights at the Dekebone Roundabout removed,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Billy Carr's daughter is driving round it in a brand-new Punto.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04- She stopped halfway round, expecting a red light.- Force of habit.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Aye. Anyway, she took a bit of a bump.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10It caused £200 worth of damage.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14So I feel I've no option
0:05:14 > 0:05:17but to resign as the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- I can't even- BLEEP- drive!
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Can't even drive.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"Michaela stood above her bashed and broken body,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"searching for a glimmer of light.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52"When he reached down and touched her shoulder, he felt a..."
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Gonnae no dae that?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- How?- Just gonnae no?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13My name's James Jumpstyle of Jumpstyle Beds and Chairs,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Burnistoun's only Jumpstyle furniture store.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19You better get down here for our spring sale quick-style,
0:06:19 > 0:06:20or should that be Jumpstyle?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:31 > 0:06:37My Jumpstyle staff will sort you out with all your furniture needs, Jumpstyle.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48What kind of bedside cabinet were you after, madam?
0:06:53 > 0:06:59Jumpstyle beds and chairs! Come on down and shop in style.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Shop in Jumpstyle!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06THEY SING IN HARMONY
0:07:06 > 0:07:11- Oh, that was rare.- Fabulous. - Here, d'you mind this?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13# If you're going to break a heart
0:07:13 > 0:07:17# Be sure to break a fat girl's heart, they're bigger
0:07:17 > 0:07:20# Much bigger
0:07:20 > 0:07:23# If you're going to ruin someone's life
0:07:23 > 0:07:26# Be sure they're not a skelf
0:07:26 > 0:07:27# Skinny girls are fine
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# But when you dump them
0:07:29 > 0:07:32# They just run and find another
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# But when you crush a chubby's heart
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# She remains with all the fatties on the shelf
0:07:37 > 0:07:39# That shelf is creaking
0:07:39 > 0:07:45# She remains with all the fatties on the shelf. #
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, we've still got it!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there and all.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Aye, he got stuck in a revolving door and his trousers fell down.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Poor old bugger.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Aye, ya coupla bent shots, man!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02MOCKING LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- Wee tadgers.- Hey! Don't dingie us, you pair of rent boys, man.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Keep goin', Gordo.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Yous are getting knifed, man.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29HE LAUGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Try to imagine throwing a 2-litre bottle of ginger over 150 metres
0:08:49 > 0:08:53and landing it dead centre on a target,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56that target being a rocket's napper.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59That's exactly what my next guest did, Gordon Belford.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- Gordon, hello.- Hello, Sarah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05So, what's the script with this ginger-throwing thing, then?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Well, me and my mate Jamie were just oot getting some swadgers,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and on the way back, these wee guys started giving us a bit of snash.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16- What kind of snash? - Just kind of calling us bent shots and rent boys, an' that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20And then one of the wee skelpers said that he was pulling a knife,
0:09:20 > 0:09:26so I just flung my bottle of ginger, and as fortune had it, I dooched it right aff his dome.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Amazing.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31And is it true you're going to be in the Guinness Book Of Records?
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Well, apparently, I'd have to recreate the throw under Guinness conditions.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37FANFARE
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Gordon, do you have your 2-litre bottle of ginger?
0:09:41 > 0:09:42CHEERING
0:09:42 > 0:09:44The wee fud is in position.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Yous are all getting knifed, man!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Gordon, good luck.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Ya-a-agh!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yeah! FANFARE
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Whoo! Mwah!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08CHEERING
0:10:08 > 0:10:10HE SIGHS
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- CORNY AMERICAN ACCENTS: - I heard old Biscuity Boyle's doon there, an' all.- Aye.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- He got stuck in the revolving doors, and his troosers fell doon. - Poor old bugger.
0:10:21 > 0:10:27- Hey! You a couple of bent shots, man?- Wee tadgers.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Hey! Don't dingie us, you rent boys!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Keep walking, Gordo.- No, baby.
0:10:33 > 0:10:38Us decent folk don't need to stand for no more of this bullshit, baby.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yous are getting knifed, man.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Wah!
0:10:49 > 0:10:54No-one can withstand my 2-litre bottle of ginger, bitch!
0:10:58 > 0:11:01You want some, baby?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You got 'em, Gordo.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Come on!
0:11:09 > 0:11:14NORMAL VOICE: What are you doing, Gordo? You'll never hit 'em from here.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Ah, ya muppet! Ye cannae even throw a bottle o' ginger, man!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21ALL JEER
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Come on.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30This Christmas, Soda Bread Records'
0:11:30 > 0:11:34gift to you is Donald O'Daniel's My Best Pal Jesus -
0:11:34 > 0:11:38a beautiful collection of songs, all with a Jesus-y theme,
0:11:38 > 0:11:43including Judas Is No Friend Of Mine, Lot's Salty Wife
0:11:43 > 0:11:47and the classic ballad, A Table For Twelve.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Also featuring Roll Boulder and Stone Me.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54# Stone me, stone me... #
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And who could forget
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I'm Wearing Jesus Sandals As A Tribute To The Boss?
0:11:59 > 0:12:05# I'm wearing Jesus sandals as a tribute to the boss... #
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And the toe-tapper Hot Cross Fun, and everybody's favourite...
0:12:10 > 0:12:17# It's not my face on the Turin shroud... #
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Go on!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Soak your granny's knickers this Christmas
0:12:21 > 0:12:25with Donald O'Daniel's My Best Pal Jesus.
0:12:33 > 0:12:34Ohhh!
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Oh, I know it's terribly, terribly wicked of me,
0:12:38 > 0:12:41and I really, really shouldn't, but...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43SHE SPITS