0:00:02 > 0:00:11This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17Ladies and gentlemen, please will you welcome onto the stage...
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Simon Amstell!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Hello.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02WOLF-WHISTLE
0:01:02 > 0:01:07Thank you. How are you? Are you OK, you all right?
0:01:07 > 0:01:12Well, this is fun, isn't it? This is sort of a fun thing to be doing.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13This is fun, right?
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I'm quite lonely - let's start with that.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Nothing can be done about it, people of Dublin. Nothing can be done.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I bought a new flat about two years ago.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30In this flat, in the bathroom, there are two sinks.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34I thought that would bring me some joy.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It is a constant reminder...
0:01:39 > 0:01:44And so what I've had to do, this is what I'm doing now, I'm actually doing this.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I'm using both sinks.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51I now, every day, brush my teeth in the left sink,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53and, in the right one, mainly cry.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02I think the problem comes from the inability to just be purely in the moment, without fear.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I think we're all stuck in the past,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08looking to the future, and it's in the moment where true joy exists.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10It's in the moment where love can occur,
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It's only in the moment where you can be fully at one with the universe.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I was in Paris recently with a new group of people,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19one of which was quite a sort of kooky, interesting girl.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24Although, in hindsight, not that interesting. I always get fooled.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I think, "Oh, she seems fascinating."
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Is she, Simon, or does she just have short hair?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36I get fascinated and end up thinking, "I'll talk to her for the rest of my life."
0:02:36 > 0:02:40Bored after ten minutes. "You should grow your hair and stop misleading people."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So she suggests, at about three in the morning,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51that we all run up the Champs-Elysees to the Arc de Triomphe.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I guess telling you that now, it sounds exciting and fun, but at the time I just thought,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"Why would we do that, what's the point,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01"and when we get there, what will we do with our lives?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I'm analysing what the point of it is, and it seems a long way to go,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and everyone else is just not analysing, they're just running,
0:03:07 > 0:03:11and I'm running as well because of the peer pressure, cos I'm fun.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14And we're all running, and everyone else is just at one with the moment,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17at one with joy, at one with the universe.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19And I'm running, and thinking,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"Well, this will probably make a good memory."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Which is living in the future, discussing the past with someone
0:03:29 > 0:03:31who, if they asked, "What did it feel like?"
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"I don't know, I was thinking about what I'd say to you."
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I think it comes from childhood.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43When you're a child, you're free, you're in the moment, you're not worried.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46It doesn't occur to you what other people might think of you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50You don't analyse every moment, you just live moment to moment,
0:03:50 > 0:03:54and then something happens where you realise you have to think before you act.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57We get taught we have to think before we act.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00When I was 15 - and this happened when I was 15 -
0:04:00 > 0:04:04but I think it's too odd a story if I was 15, so it's better if we say I was 11.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I was in my grandparents' house, and I used to have a good relationship with my grandma.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13She used to really validate me in my life.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17I used to do drawings and doodles, and she'd say, "That's nice!" I'd do another drawing,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"Oh, that's nice!" Another drawing, "Oh, that's nice!" And at one point,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I distrusted the consistency of her reviews.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32So I did deliberately bad drawing to see what she would say.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34She said, "Oh, that's nice."
0:04:34 > 0:04:39And I thought, "I can't deal with this inauthentic sycophant."
0:04:42 > 0:04:46So one day - and I know now that I did this because I wanted to do something
0:04:46 > 0:04:50where she couldn't validate it, where she couldn't say, "Oh, that's nice!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:53But when I did it, it was purely unconscious. It was in the moment.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56One day I ran up to my grandma,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59and I mooned my grandma.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05But I was only 11, I'm just 11.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13It wasn't even like a cheeky, playful little moon and run away - funny, funny.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18It was a violent, bend over, "Here's my arsehole, Grandma,"
0:05:18 > 0:05:21and apparently a bit of balls as well.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26She didn't say, "Oh, that's nice!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:30Although I think she wanted to because she's generous and encouraging.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33She just couldn't quite get there with my arsehole in her face.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37She ended up saying, "Oh! OK."
0:05:37 > 0:05:42It was still encouraging, still a sort of, "Oh, I see what you were going for."
0:05:42 > 0:05:45So that's why I can't enjoy Paris.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I did fall in love about five years ago.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Fell in love five years ago,
0:05:55 > 0:05:59but with somebody I invented, which isn't ideal.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03And he was based on somebody who existed,
0:06:03 > 0:06:05but because I had such low self-esteem,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I took every negative attribute I felt about myself,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12converted those into positive attributes and projected those onto him.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Thus he would heal me and complete me in my life.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Initially I just liked him because he was really thin. I really like that.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Like, thinner than me - ill thin.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I don't know why I like that.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I just like the idea I could go on a date with someone,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29and it could be their last date.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37A lot of it is narcissism, really.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I realise my type is me, but better.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Which I think is OK.
0:06:43 > 0:06:48I just need to find somebody who wants himself but much, much worse.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I went to see him in this play that he was in,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57and he was really vulnerable on stage.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Vulnerability to me is quite sexually appealing.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You know there are people who are more like, "We know what we're doing,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"we've done it before, everything's fine." To me it's more sexy
0:07:07 > 0:07:11if someone's a bit more, "Oh, I feel faint." You know?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13It's hot, right?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I went to see this play on the press night,
0:07:20 > 0:07:25so I could perhaps meet him afterwards. And weeks had been building up to this moment,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29and all I could manage when I saw him at the party was a polite nod.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And I don't know if he saw it, he didn't nod back,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35and then I felt awkward about approaching him at all.
0:07:35 > 0:07:40And an hour went past and I couldn't approach him, then I saw him leave,
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I saw him leave the theatre,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45his rucksack on his back, his little beanie hat on his head.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47And as he got further away,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50it became harder and harder to move, and he was gone.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Gone.
0:07:52 > 0:07:57Three weeks go by of sadness, pain, regret.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02I've turned him into the only person I can possibly be with in my life.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03A lot of it was ego.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I just felt like he was going to become a great actor,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10and he could make people cry, and I could become a great comedian,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13and make people laugh. And if we were together...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18..we could be like a two-man Robin Williams.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27All the talent of Robin Williams,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30but in two separate thin men.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38I didn't know how I was going to meet him again.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42And then, I was in a shop in Covent Garden that sells vintage clothing,
0:08:42 > 0:08:46and he was there, in the shop.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I felt in that moment that God had brought us together.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I don't feel that now so much,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55because it feels like the thought of a deluded moron.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59And I don't want to attack religious people who may be here this evening.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It feels like an unkind thing to do, to attack religious people,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07and it feels too easy, and the battle's already been won.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:15It just feels rude. If you're at a party,
0:09:15 > 0:09:19and someone says, "I'm a Christian, I'm a Muslim, I'm a Jew," it's very rude to say,
0:09:19 > 0:09:21"Oh, how ridiculous!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I feel at this point we have to treat people with kindness
0:09:26 > 0:09:30and love and respect, in the same way you treat a child running around a party,
0:09:30 > 0:09:32saying, "I'm a helicopter!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:37APPLAUSE
0:09:41 > 0:09:46You say, "Good for you! We're all having fun! I'm a choo-choo train!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:52I'm not an atheist. I'm a big fan of Jesus Christ -
0:09:52 > 0:09:55there's nobody more thin or vulnerable than Jesus Christ.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07And he's bleeding as well, it's very clever of them.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12But I'm not an atheist for this reason.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14This is the main reason I'm not an atheist.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I think I'm God a bit, and here's why.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24That actor was in that shop at the same time as me.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25I don't believe in coincidence.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30I think coincidence is a word we invented for something we don't quite understand yet.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I read a book called Illusions: Adventures Of A Reluctant Messiah.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36On the cover of this book is a blue feather
0:10:36 > 0:10:39cos the character/author of this book believes in the philosophy
0:10:39 > 0:10:43"thinking makes it so" - we create our own reality.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47He tests this by visualising a blue feather in his fingers.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51He believes, like Buddhists, that everything has already been achieved.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54If he feels he has the blue feather already, it will come to him
0:10:54 > 0:10:57because there's nothing opposing that idea. Later in the book, it appears.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I tested this myself with a white feather.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02I felt I had the white feather in my fingers.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Not that I needed or desired the white feather, it had already been achieved.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Later I was at a picnic, I put my hand in a packet of crisps,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13which is something I wouldn't normally do.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I pulled out a crisp, with a white feather on.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Which is disgusting.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28But there he was, in the shop.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I don't know how you feel, maybe you think,
0:11:30 > 0:11:34"He walked into the shop at the same time as you with his own legs."
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, I put him in that shop with my God mind.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Now, some people will say, if we do create our own reality,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46what about the Holocaust, what about victims of child abuse -
0:11:46 > 0:11:50did they create that in their world? And the thing you have to understand about that
0:11:50 > 0:11:51is... Ssssh!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00For whatever reason he was in that shop, I knew I had to approach him
0:12:00 > 0:12:05because this was a moment, and I couldn't have any more regret, um...
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I also knew I couldn't go up to him with my personality.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I don't know if you can tell fully from the tone of my voice,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17this is not a voice that lends itself to getting sex or relationships.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23What you need is a less anxious, a cooler voice.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26I don't know why there's so much anxiety in my life.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28The other day, a guy approached me
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and I wasn't sure if I'd met him before, and in the panic of the moment
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I just said, "I've got that jumper."
0:12:37 > 0:12:38And I didn't.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45I went out with someone for quite a while who wasn't that keen
0:12:45 > 0:12:47on that aspect of my personality.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51And we were in a supermarket together,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55and a friend of his, who I hadn't met before, approached us,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and because I hadn't met this guy before, I got instantly nervous.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02The friend says, "What are you up to?" And I say, "A bit of shopping.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"We've got a pineapple."
0:13:05 > 0:13:10An hour passes, and the boyfriend says to me, "What's wrong with you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14"Why do you always have to try to be so funny all the time?"
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I said, "It wasn't funny - it was factual! There WAS a pineapple."
0:13:18 > 0:13:23He said, "You deliberately chose the most humorous object in the trolley."
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Well, I'm gifted.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36I'm so awkward all the time - a ridiculous way to be.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40But even though I believe that we're all one,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44I still feel like a constant detachment, even with people I'm close to.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46My mum and I have a good relationship,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49but there's an inauthenticity to every conversation.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53I feel like I should be able to tell her anything, but there's an awkwardness to it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59And I think it's because I came out of her vagina. that's sort of always there.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01"Have you done your council tax, Simon?"
0:14:01 > 0:14:05"I came out of your vagina, let's not pretend that's a normal thing to have happened.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10"I came out of your vagina, I sucked on your tits - you want to talk about tax?"
0:14:16 > 0:14:19With my grandma as well, still an awkwardness.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24It's cos my mum came out of her, I came out of my mum - there's a Russian doll awkwardness.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I didn't want to be that person any more.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I didn't want to be that guy in front of this actor. In my ideal world,
0:14:36 > 0:14:41I would have been able to go up to him and just say, "Hey,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45"How are you? I saw your play the other week. It was great."
0:14:45 > 0:14:46"Oh, thank you.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49"Oh, of course, I remember the nod."
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"Why are you crying?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:03"I've got too many sinks."
0:15:07 > 0:15:09APPLAUSE
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"I don't know why, but I feel I need to ask you
0:15:16 > 0:15:21"if you'd like to get some coffee with me or a juice or something.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"I don't know, maybe if that works out,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"we could move to the country together?"
0:15:28 > 0:15:32"OK, well, let me just purchase this effortlessly cool cardigan
0:15:32 > 0:15:35"and we can talk to an estate agent."
0:15:39 > 0:15:44Here's what actually happened, because of my personality.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49I saw him there, he hadn't seen me. He was a metre away from me. There. That thin
0:15:54 > 0:15:58And, for some reason, what I thought would be really cool and seductive,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02would be to just stand in the middle of the shop
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and shout his full name.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10He turned round, alarmed. I could see the terror in his eyes.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13But I'd started at a certain volume, so it'd be odd to get quieter.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I'm just shouting at him about the good reviews that his play has had.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20He's going, "Oh, I don't really read reviews."
0:16:20 > 0:16:22He's all timid and vulnerable, which is why I love him!
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And I think the difference between us,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29because I think we were both quite shy as children...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I say "I think", I did a lot of research on him.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38But he retained that shyness that makes him beautiful and sensitive.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I decided shyness was something to be overcome.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42I think it's in our training.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45He went to a really good acting school in London, where he was taught
0:16:45 > 0:16:48to nourish his sensitivities, nurture his vulnerability.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50That makes him a great actor.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I went to a Saturday morning stage school in Essex,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Where we were taught that whether we were singing, dancing or acting,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58just do it loud.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03So I didn't become good at any of those things.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06But when I danced, people heard.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So I'm there, still shouting at him.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22I realise I've got to make some sort of lasting connection with him.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26It occurs to me to ask, "You must be very busy at the moment. Do you have a night off?"
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He says, "I have Monday nights off."
0:17:28 > 0:17:31I know of a very cool club night that happens on Mondays.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34It's very cool to me, because it is such a contrast
0:17:34 > 0:17:38to the Essex nightclub I went to for three years in Romford.
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Three years, between the ages of 18 and 21.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Three years, every Saturday night in Romford.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Three years, every Saturday night in Romford.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Three years!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Because nobody told me
0:17:55 > 0:17:58that London was close.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07You had to wear black trousers to get in, black shoes,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12an untucked shirt. I don't like it when the dress code is basic dick.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I think it's...it's restricting.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18One time - I don't know if I was being rebellious or that it'd be OK -
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I wore black trainers. I thought that'd be all right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23The bouncer looked at me and said,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26"You can't come in like that. You look like you've come from a gym."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Which gym do I look like I've come from?!
0:18:29 > 0:18:30He's such a basic human being,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34to him there's only two forms of dress - club and gym.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40But now I was in London, talking to this actor.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I suggest this wonderful avant-garde club on a Monday night.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46which he hadn't heard of, which meant that I could say,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Well, I'll e-mail you the details."
0:18:48 > 0:18:50That casual. He said,
0:18:50 > 0:18:53"OK." I then had his e-mail address. He gave me his e-mail address.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57I'd triumphed over this fear of rejection, of being in the moment.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I had his e-mail address.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And then this final moment, where we seemed to level out.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Up until now I'd been his crazed, desperate fan.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Just as I was leaving, he said, "Do I know you from something?"
0:19:10 > 0:19:12I said, in as quiet and modest a way as possible,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15"I sort of do this small pop show on Channel 4.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"It's on early in the morning you haven't seen it."
0:19:17 > 0:19:21Thinking that he might say, "Of course! You're really funny!
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Not, "Oh, OK."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27In the same tone as my grandma when I showed her my arsehole.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35But I had his e-mail address. I went home
0:19:35 > 0:19:40and I composed the most beautiful, funny little e-mail.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Six friends confirmed it was a beautiful, funny e-mail.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I pressed send. And this is very much the end of this story.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53He never e-mailed back.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Thank you.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Ideally, in this situation, laughter is better than pity.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04But you're quite right. It's not a funny ending, is it? It's not funny.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08He didn't e-mail back even something negative
0:20:08 > 0:20:12that I could do something with. Just indifferent.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Not funny, is it? It's not funny.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21So, not only did he ruin my life for five years...
0:20:23 > 0:20:24..he's ruined this.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30SOME CHEERING
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Fucking Martin Clunes!
0:20:40 > 0:20:42CHEERING
0:20:48 > 0:20:54It's my fault for chasing this fantasy of this quiet, mysterious actor type.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57That's what I have always gone for. Some sort of...
0:20:57 > 0:20:59And I didn't know what it was, I didn't know why
0:20:59 > 0:21:03I kept going for the same sort of weird, vulnerable, quiet person.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08And then I realised it comes directly from being about 15 years old
0:21:08 > 0:21:12and watching the teen drama My So-Called Life,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15starring Jared Leto as Jordan Catalano.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17CHEERING
0:21:19 > 0:21:23You may whoop and cheer, but that programme has left me damaged!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Everyone I've ever gone for has been some version of Jordan Catalano.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33I watched the DVD to see what I was to do about this.
0:21:33 > 0:21:39And, er, I wanted to watch the DVD to see what it was about this character.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I figured that it was these three things.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Number one, he has about four lines in every episode.
0:21:47 > 0:21:53Number two, he has long hair that sometimes falls over an eye.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57And he'll tuck it behind his ear.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Which is amazing, isn't it? It's just amazing.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08And the third thing is that his main character trait
0:22:08 > 0:22:10is that he is dyslexic.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13And that's all I've ever wanted.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17A near mute,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19with long hair
0:22:19 > 0:22:22and learning difficulties.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING
0:22:24 > 0:22:27There's nothing wrong with those things. I don't want to offend anyone.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31If that describes you in any way, I'd like to meet you.
0:22:33 > 0:22:38Recently, I went to see a play in which there was an actor that I fancied,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42because if you don't seek some therapy, life repeats.
0:22:43 > 0:22:49This time, I was slightly better connected, I knew the playwright. We went to eat after the play.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I was sat next to the actor I fancied, talking to him
0:22:51 > 0:22:54about some of the things we're discussing tonight.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Thinking makes it so - we can create our own reality.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00Even if you don't buy into that in a spiritual sense, you see we live in a culture
0:23:00 > 0:23:05where you can order stuff online and it comes within the next day or two. We live like that now.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08So it's frustrating to not be able to order a specific human being
0:23:08 > 0:23:11and have them come towards you. He says, "Who do you want?"
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I say, and I hadn't thought about this for a while,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17I say, "I want Jared Leto!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:21He then says, in that moment, "I just did a film with Jared Leto,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25"where I played the younger version of his character."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31I didn't know what to do with that.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34I'd only just ordered him.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43He then says, out of his mouth,
0:23:43 > 0:23:48"Do you want to see a sex scene I did as the young Jared Leto?"
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I say, "Yes."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55He pulls out his iPhone,
0:23:55 > 0:23:59shows me himself having sex as Jared Leto,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03with long hair and naked, and I say, "Oh, that's nice."
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It's so close to the fantasy, I don't know what to do. The root fantasy!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12That's the young Jared Leto. It's even closer to the fantasy
0:24:12 > 0:24:15than the actual Jared Leto in real life now,
0:24:15 > 0:24:20who, oddly, I met about three years ago in Thailand at a full moon party. I didn't realise it was him.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I thought it was someone who looked like him, so I said to him,
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"You look a lot like Jared Leto. Do you know who Jared Leto is?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:29He said, "I am Jared Leto." I wasn't ready for that.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37So, all I could manage to say was...
0:24:39 > 0:24:44.."Your beauty in Requiem For A Dream detracted from the narrative."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54He thanked me and walked away.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00This was so close to the fantasy.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Also, there was the fear of rejection, as there always is.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I felt there was a flirty vibe between us, but wasn't sure. And I have to be sure.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Running up the Champs-Elysees with the people in Paris,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12one asked if he could come back to my hotel room that night.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15He said the Metro wouldn't get him back to his hotel.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I knew he was making that up, and liked me a bit, but I didn't know.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22We were in my hotel room under the covers, half naked, I'm still going,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24"My God, but what is this? I don't know what this is.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"What is this? My penis is in his mouth, but is he joking?"
0:25:34 > 0:25:38It was too close to the fantasy. There was a fear of rejection, I didn't know what to do.
0:25:38 > 0:25:44So I did what I always do - I ignored him completely, became friends with somebody he knows quite well
0:25:44 > 0:25:48and now, every Sunday, she is teaching me piano.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53It's too close to the fantasy, it was too much for me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58I should've remembered what my mum used to say about how you can be or do anything you want in this life,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01because everyone you see on TV or on film,
0:26:01 > 0:26:03they all shit!
0:26:05 > 0:26:07She used to say that a lot.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11She would point at the television and say...
0:26:11 > 0:26:12"Shit comes out of them.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"You'll be a star."
0:26:20 > 0:26:24I feel like we're all damaged, in a way. We're all sort of damaged.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28You're damaged. We're all damaged. You look quite damaged. You damaged?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31A little bit, yeah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And I don't mind that so much.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I feel like that's where the good stuff comes from.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Comedy exists, because we have tragedy.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43That's the way it works - tragedy, plus time, equals comedy,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46although I realised what the formula really should be
0:26:46 > 0:26:49is tragedy, plus time, plus joke.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55You can't just be involved in an horrific tragedy
0:26:55 > 0:26:57and wait.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05And I feel special in some way, if I feel broken.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09If I'm broken, there's a journey to be healed, a journey to be fixed.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I feel like I'm an interesting, unique human being.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15In the meaningless of it all, I feel unique, I feel special.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I like that I've got an osteopath appointment once a month,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20where I go because I've got bad posture.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Something happened in my past
0:27:22 > 0:27:25and I guess this man is healing me each month,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29bringing me to some sort of neutral state. Some pure, neutral state.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33I asked him, because he's quite a sensitive, sweet man, "Why did I end up with bad posture?
0:27:33 > 0:27:38"Is it because I was quite shy as kid and I ended up trying to make myself invisible from the other children?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"I ended up all hunched over and scared?"
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Even though what I do now is extrovert, still, inside,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46I'm the same scared, crying child. I said,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50"What's wrong with me? Why did this happen to me? What is wrong with me?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53He said, "You have very tight hamstrings."
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Yeah, but isn't it more that I'm a genius recluse? Isn't that the...?
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"No, the tendons behind your knees are quite restricted."
0:28:06 > 0:28:10"But isn't that the physical manifestation of a tortured soul?"
0:28:10 > 0:28:11"No, it's your legs."
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Similarly, I got ill few weeks ago, and this happened the day before.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21I've got a cat. Obviously, I've got a cat.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26I really thought the cat would end my loneliness.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29It has only become a mascot for my loneliness.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33So if anyone does come round, they go, "Oh, you've got a cat, are you quite lonely?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35What's he called?"
0:28:35 > 0:28:36"Solitude."
0:28:37 > 0:28:41APPLAUSE
0:28:43 > 0:28:48I woke up and the cat had peed on my bed.
0:28:48 > 0:28:49Because I was still half asleep,
0:28:49 > 0:28:53I ended up putting my hand in the cat's pee.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I then went to grab the cat to put its head in its pee.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Not as an act of revenge. My mum had just told me
0:28:58 > 0:29:00that's how you teach it not to do it again.
0:29:00 > 0:29:05It doesn't work. It doesn't remember the great moral lesson of Tuesday.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07It just ends up with a head covered in its own pee,
0:29:07 > 0:29:11wandering around, wondering how that could have happened.
0:29:12 > 0:29:15In the process of grabbing the cat, the cat scratched my hand.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17The same hand where the pee was.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19There was then some blood coming out of my hand,
0:29:19 > 0:29:24and maybe some pee getting into my bloodstream. And I thought,
0:29:24 > 0:29:25"I've got cat AIDS."
0:29:30 > 0:29:34I tried not to think that cos I believe that thinking makes it so.
0:29:37 > 0:29:38I woke up the next morning
0:29:38 > 0:29:41and I couldn't stop vomiting into my toilet.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43So violent was the vomit, it was going into my toilet,
0:29:43 > 0:29:47it was all around the toilet as well, splattering all over the floor.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50My cat came and put my head in the vomit.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I felt so weak and thin and pale.
0:29:57 > 0:29:59I saw myself in the mirror, I thought,
0:29:59 > 0:30:01"He's hot."
0:30:02 > 0:30:06APPLAUSE
0:30:06 > 0:30:08On the way to the doctor, I wondered,
0:30:08 > 0:30:12"Should I mention what happened with the cat?"
0:30:12 > 0:30:16I felt a bit embarrassed about it, but I thought it could be relevant,
0:30:16 > 0:30:19it could be relevant to what happened this morning.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21I told her about the vomiting and I said,
0:30:21 > 0:30:24"I don't know if this is anything but my cat yesterday peed on my bed.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27"Some got on my hand and there was blood. I don't know...
0:30:27 > 0:30:30"I've heard about cat AIDS."
0:30:37 > 0:30:39She looked at me...
0:30:39 > 0:30:44in a way that I thought doctors were trained not to look at patients.
0:30:49 > 0:30:54"No, there's no way you could have cat AIDS.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01"You're not a cat."
0:31:04 > 0:31:07The problem is that we feel like were living into the future.
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Really what we're doing is living into the past.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14We're constantly repeating moments from the past, hoping for better endings.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17When I'm with my family I feel like if I can just heal the past,
0:31:17 > 0:31:21maybe then I can live in possibility, then the future can be a blank page
0:31:21 > 0:31:24where anything could happen. Until that point,
0:31:24 > 0:31:26I'm going to repeat moments from the past.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29It was recently my grandpa's birthday party, his 70th,
0:31:29 > 0:31:32at this restaurant in Essex. Everyone was there,
0:31:32 > 0:31:36apart from my brother's girlfriend, who he's been with for four years.
0:31:36 > 0:31:40She was not there on account of a couple of the family members
0:31:40 > 0:31:43having a problem with her not being a Jew.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45We mustn't judge them for this.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49This is just because they, personally,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52have a very strong belief in racism.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59And that's their belief. What can you do? Nothing.
0:31:59 > 0:32:02You're very lucky in Ireland, I don't suppose you've ever had
0:32:02 > 0:32:05any sort of religious conflict or anything.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08It's a nightmare, it's a nightmare.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11You can't imagine, you can't imagine, Dublin...
0:32:16 > 0:32:18That's their belief.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21And we mustn't judge them because they live in Essex,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24where there's not much to do. So there's a lot more time for racism.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27I live in London now. God, if I had the time.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30But every day, I'm walking through Oxford Street,
0:32:30 > 0:32:34I see people from ethnic minorities, I think, "I should do something," but I'm so busy.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40And you know, it's unfair for me just to be on the stage attacking them.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41They have their perspective.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44They were just trying to protect their children.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47As they saw it, it was a bad example to their children.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50They could end up marrying gentiles, and their kids wouldn't be Jewish.
0:32:50 > 0:32:56Then they wouldn't be able to go to a Jewish school and then where would they learn paranoia?
0:32:56 > 0:32:59And nobody's ever caused a drama about this in the family.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01We just sort of try to keep the peace,
0:33:01 > 0:33:03we try not to say anything about it
0:33:03 > 0:33:05because it's genuinely believed in this family
0:33:05 > 0:33:09that when my mum got divorced, which was quite a drama, it was the direct reason
0:33:09 > 0:33:13for my grandpa becoming diabetic, so no-one's allowed to say anything.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17So they say these offensive things and I'm sat there going,
0:33:17 > 0:33:20"If this was being televised, people would boo you."
0:33:22 > 0:33:25And then, near the end of the dinner,
0:33:25 > 0:33:29because I've been on a few courses to try and make my life happier,
0:33:29 > 0:33:35I say to these members of my family, in a sort of sweet and polite
0:33:35 > 0:33:38a way as possible, "Isn't it a shame that my brother
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"couldn't bring his girlfriend tonight? Isn't it sort of a shame?"
0:33:42 > 0:33:44So they get quite defensive, and say,
0:33:44 > 0:33:46"We thought she would be here. Why isn't she here?"
0:33:46 > 0:33:50And I say, "Oh, isn't it because of that time
0:33:50 > 0:33:53"that you said, 'She can't be here?' "
0:33:56 > 0:34:01And I ask, "Just explain to me,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05"why is the belief more important than the feelings of a human being?"
0:34:05 > 0:34:09And it's so sad cos she's a brunette. She could pass.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15And then my brother comes over and just start swearing at them
0:34:15 > 0:34:19and it becomes a bit intense and I say, "No, it's all right,
0:34:19 > 0:34:22"Calm down, I've been on a course."
0:34:22 > 0:34:25And this is at the point when the cake is supposed to come,
0:34:25 > 0:34:28we should be singing Happy birthday, and now my grandpa is crying,
0:34:28 > 0:34:30partly because of the drama I created
0:34:30 > 0:34:33and partly because he can't eat the cake.
0:34:38 > 0:34:41And it's a tricky business, the whole thing's the tricky business.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44It's then suggested that we go back to my mum's house
0:34:44 > 0:34:47and resolve this and I feel very awkward about the whole thing
0:34:47 > 0:34:50because we don't have drama in this family and now I've created one
0:34:50 > 0:34:54and I've got to resolve it. We've got to debate about who's right or wrong,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58and as a child, I was quite into debate and opinions,
0:34:58 > 0:35:01and now I just feel like debate and politics is the opposite of truth,
0:35:01 > 0:35:04the opposite of beauty, the opposite of joy.
0:35:04 > 0:35:08What I was younger, I went to see the Vanessa Feltz talk show being filmed.
0:35:09 > 0:35:13There's nothing we can do. It happened, it happened.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17The subject up for debate that day was, "Should I murder my husband?"
0:35:20 > 0:35:23At the beginning of the show, the floor manager told us,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26"The best opinion today will win a bottle of champagne."
0:35:26 > 0:35:28So there's everything to play for.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31Should she or shouldn't she murder her husband?
0:35:31 > 0:35:3420 minutes go by and people say some very interesting things.
0:35:34 > 0:35:38And I, at about 14 years old, stand up and say,
0:35:38 > 0:35:41"I think you shouldn't murder your husband
0:35:41 > 0:35:43"cos you could go to prison."
0:35:43 > 0:35:46And I won a bottle of champagne.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49APPLAUSE
0:35:51 > 0:35:53And whether it's a lowbrow, stupid,
0:35:53 > 0:35:57daytime TV show debate like that or a highbrow, Question Time
0:35:57 > 0:36:00political debate, it's the same inane,
0:36:00 > 0:36:05nonsensical, cyclical, boring topics. And we go round and round in circles
0:36:05 > 0:36:07debating the same things over and over again.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Somehow we take out logic and prior knowledge from our collective minds.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14I think it's quite similar to what happened to me
0:36:14 > 0:36:17when I did magic mushrooms a few years ago.
0:36:17 > 0:36:21Somehow I was able to say to my friend, on mushrooms,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24and I think it's the sort of conversation we all have constantly,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27that stops us from progressing at the speed that we could.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29"Isn't it odd how when you say to someone,
0:36:29 > 0:36:32" 'Oh, do you want to meet up for some dinner next Thursday?,'
0:36:32 > 0:36:34"the dinner is a lie? What you're really saying is,
0:36:34 > 0:36:39" 'It'd be nice to meet up. I haven't seen you for ages.' Why do we have this dinner cover?
0:36:39 > 0:36:41"How do you know how hungry you'll be on Thursday?
0:36:41 > 0:36:45"Why can't we say, 'It'd be nice to meet up'? There should be a place to meet,
0:36:45 > 0:36:48"the meeting place, an indoor place, you walk in, sit down,
0:36:48 > 0:36:52"there's just chairs, you sit down and you look at each other and you meet
0:36:52 > 0:36:55"and it's truthful, it's authentic, it's beautiful."
0:36:55 > 0:36:58And then I thought, "After about half an hour there,
0:36:58 > 0:37:00"you could get a bit hungry."
0:37:03 > 0:37:05And I invented the restaurant.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08APPLAUSE
0:37:09 > 0:37:12So I didn't want have this debate with my family,
0:37:12 > 0:37:15who was right or wrong. It's a very difficult thing.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18We continue to debate because there's no truth, just perspective.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Their prospective was that it was a misunderstanding
0:37:21 > 0:37:25and the one time they met her, she hadn't said hello to THEM,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27and I had to explain that she was the shy new guest
0:37:27 > 0:37:30coming into this family. We are hosting HER,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33WE have to say hello first. That's how it works.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35I don't know if I only know that from presenting TV shows,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38where you start with "Hello and welcome to the show",
0:37:38 > 0:37:41you don't stare at the audience.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48I had to explain it to them like they were children.
0:37:48 > 0:37:53I said, why can't we learn from Lumiere, the candlestick holder from Beauty and the Beast,
0:37:53 > 0:37:58who sang Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest, not Is She A Jew?
0:37:58 > 0:38:01APPLAUSE
0:38:02 > 0:38:05But this is unfair because I realised in everything I was saying,
0:38:05 > 0:38:08what was underneath my words was essentially,
0:38:08 > 0:38:11"Why can't you just be less judgmental and more like me?"
0:38:11 > 0:38:13which is judgmental.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17And arrogant to try and change someone's perspective
0:38:17 > 0:38:20just so that the world can seem better for you.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22It's important that we have these contrasts.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Nothing gets created from things being the same.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28It's from life's contrasts that anything happens.
0:38:28 > 0:38:30I realised in the end that I couldn't change them,
0:38:30 > 0:38:33all I could do was change my perspective on them
0:38:33 > 0:38:36and then move on with my life. All you can really do in your life
0:38:36 > 0:38:38is change yourself and that's hard enough.
0:38:38 > 0:38:40I really wanted to change myself a lot last year
0:38:40 > 0:38:43cos I felt I wasn't getting enough sex.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46And that's a fun thing to do. Is a shame not to have more of it.
0:38:46 > 0:38:51And the reason I wasn't achieving the getting of more sex
0:38:51 > 0:38:54was because I would see somebody at a party I really liked
0:38:54 > 0:38:58and I'd think, "Gosh, well, he seems just about perfect.
0:38:58 > 0:39:02"Who knows what could happen? I could end up spending my life with him."
0:39:02 > 0:39:05And what I would do every time to woo him, to pursue him,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07to make him see that I was the one for him,
0:39:07 > 0:39:11is I would go home and hope that I saw him again.
0:39:13 > 0:39:18Because, for me, to go up to someone and say, "Hello, what's your name?"
0:39:18 > 0:39:21a perfectly lovely question, nothing wrong with that question.
0:39:21 > 0:39:23It's a delightful, curious question,
0:39:23 > 0:39:25but to me it would definitely come out like
0:39:25 > 0:39:27CREEPY VOICE: "Hello, what's your name?"
0:39:31 > 0:39:35So I couldn't talk to people. I couldn't talk to people.
0:39:35 > 0:39:37And then I saw the film Waking Life.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40I don't know if you've seen it but one line stood out for me.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"Actual self-awareness is the knowledge
0:39:43 > 0:39:47"that you're a character in someone else's dream."
0:39:47 > 0:39:52I love this idea that it could all be a dream, somebody else's dream.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54It makes everything so silly.
0:39:54 > 0:39:58There's no need to fear anything, no need to feel anxious about anything.
0:39:58 > 0:40:02It's all a dream and if you're playing a character that isn't serving you,
0:40:02 > 0:40:05that shy, anxious character who can't talk to people,
0:40:05 > 0:40:08let go of the character. Become a different character.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11I was out with a friend, walking through the streets of North London
0:40:11 > 0:40:15on a Sunday afternoon. In the time that we were together,
0:40:15 > 0:40:18he got the phone numbers of about four different girls.
0:40:18 > 0:40:21His thing is he's able to go to girls and say "Hello, what's your name?"
0:40:21 > 0:40:25They exchanged phone numbers and then later, they have sex.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28That's a better system than mine.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30I said, "You've got to do this for me."
0:40:30 > 0:40:33He then spots this guy that I've been looking at
0:40:33 > 0:40:35and before I can run away scared of what might occur,
0:40:35 > 0:40:40he just saunters up to this guy and says "Hello, young man.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44"You look like a fun chap. What are you up to today in your life?"
0:40:44 > 0:40:49And this young student guy says, "I'm meeting some friends in the park."
0:40:49 > 0:40:52And my friend says, "Well, we must join you."
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And for some reason, this guy doesn't say...
0:41:00 > 0:41:01"Why?"
0:41:03 > 0:41:06I think it's cos my friend said, "We must."
0:41:06 > 0:41:09And so he went, "Oh, well, if you're in charge of the world, OK."
0:41:10 > 0:41:12Cos that's what my friend's putting out,
0:41:12 > 0:41:15that his character can grab someone from the universe,
0:41:15 > 0:41:18throw them in his hot tub and fuck them.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23We're now sat in this park with these people
0:41:23 > 0:41:26and everyone's acting nonchalant, like it's a normal thing to have happened.
0:41:26 > 0:41:29But at least in my head, I'm screaming,
0:41:29 > 0:41:30"But we're all strangers!"
0:41:34 > 0:41:38I try to chat up the one that I like. I say...
0:41:38 > 0:41:41"You look like the cool one in the group."
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Because I don't know how to talk to humans.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53So my friend then rescues me and says,
0:41:53 > 0:41:56"Why don't you two exchange phone numbers now?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58"We must move on with our lives."
0:41:58 > 0:42:02So we do exchange phone numbers because he's told us to.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04We walk away and I acknowledge
0:42:04 > 0:42:07that what's happened has been quite special.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Generally in life, we feel we're in control
0:42:10 > 0:42:12but we're just ants wandering around,
0:42:12 > 0:42:15hoping to avoid bumping into each other, as humans,
0:42:15 > 0:42:18hoping to avoid doing anything that might embarrass us,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21and this was a moment of grabbing a moment from the universe
0:42:21 > 0:42:24without any fear. We're not in control of our lives,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26you're not in control of your lives.
0:42:26 > 0:42:31I aware half of the people in here are only here because the person next to you likes me.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35WHOOPS AND APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Maybe more than half, maybe...
0:42:44 > 0:42:48And I'm not in control of my life. Even being here tonight,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51it's just that something happened in my childhood, a moment of fear,
0:42:51 > 0:42:54I responded with something funny and that worked.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56So I carried on and now I'm here talking to you,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59into a microphone... QUIET: ..which I don't need.
0:42:59 > 0:43:03Just cos it gives the impression I'm definitely a stand-up comedian.
0:43:03 > 0:43:04Otherwise...
0:43:04 > 0:43:07QUIET: I'm just a man standing.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10APPLAUSE
0:43:14 > 0:43:17And unless you grab these moments,
0:43:17 > 0:43:19life just is cyclical and repetitive.
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Do you know what I was thinking about
0:43:21 > 0:43:24when I was in the toilet the other morning?
0:43:24 > 0:43:27"Again?! It's always the same, isn't it?"
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Once, about six years ago, I had a green shit.
0:43:29 > 0:43:30Once.
0:43:32 > 0:43:35And it looked at me as if to say,
0:43:35 > 0:43:37"Perhaps everything will be different now".
0:43:39 > 0:43:41It wasn't. It wasn't.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Goatee beard, huh?
0:43:45 > 0:43:48Do you think that's going to help?
0:43:48 > 0:43:51I don't know, you think, you shave that bit and that bit,
0:43:51 > 0:43:53and we're all still going to die.
0:43:57 > 0:44:00So I asked my friend, "What do you want me to do now?
0:44:00 > 0:44:02"Text him next week and see what he's up to?"
0:44:02 > 0:44:07He said, "No! Just text him now and see what he's doing tonight."
0:44:07 > 0:44:10I said, "This is a bit keen. Shouldn't I play hard to get a bit?"
0:44:10 > 0:44:14He said, "You don't play hard to get. You just picked someone up in a park!"
0:44:16 > 0:44:20And he was right. This stupid game based on fear, this hard-to-get game.
0:44:20 > 0:44:22We don't play it in any other area of our lives.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25In a supermarket, if you think, "I fancy potatoes,"
0:44:25 > 0:44:27you don't go, "Oh, best to avoid eye contact."
0:44:29 > 0:44:31You grab the potato, bloody eat it.
0:44:31 > 0:44:34The only difference between a potato and a person is a fear of rejection.
0:44:34 > 0:44:36That's not the only difference.
0:44:39 > 0:44:41Everything's a choice between fear and love.
0:44:41 > 0:44:44We may as well choose love, because death is coming.
0:44:44 > 0:44:47Death is coming.
0:44:47 > 0:44:48Death is coming.
0:44:49 > 0:44:54So I texted him there and then, because death...
0:44:54 > 0:44:55is coming.
0:44:57 > 0:45:01And he was free that night. He was free that night.
0:45:01 > 0:45:02We were going on a date that night.
0:45:02 > 0:45:06We'd met that day, we were going on this date that night.
0:45:06 > 0:45:11I feel alive, I feel like I'm living some sort of dreamlike existence.
0:45:11 > 0:45:15My friend then gives me tips on how to have sex with him that evening,
0:45:15 > 0:45:19because that is what this is about, grabbing this moment from the universe
0:45:19 > 0:45:20without judgment or fear.
0:45:20 > 0:45:24We still judge ourselves on sex, and we add so much meaning to it,
0:45:24 > 0:45:25as we add meaning to everything.
0:45:25 > 0:45:28Sex can just be fun. It can just be fun.
0:45:28 > 0:45:31It can just be fun.
0:45:31 > 0:45:35No-one ever says, "Oh, you're playing all that tennis. Where's it leading?"
0:45:41 > 0:45:42"Did you enjoy your tennis game?"
0:45:42 > 0:45:45"Well, it was just meaningless, wasn't it?"
0:45:52 > 0:45:54It's joyful.
0:45:54 > 0:45:56His tips were...
0:45:56 > 0:45:59don't talk about the past, don't discuss the future.
0:45:59 > 0:46:01This is just about this moment.
0:46:01 > 0:46:05Just keep saying the words "spontaneous" and "adventure".
0:46:05 > 0:46:09Spontaneous. Adventure.
0:46:09 > 0:46:12"Aren't we spontaneous? What an adventure we've been on today.
0:46:12 > 0:46:16"We met today and we spontaneously decided to be here right now.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20"What an adventure it has been. What an adventure it could continue to be.
0:46:20 > 0:46:24"Aren't we spontaneous? When was the last time you were spontaneous?"
0:46:24 > 0:46:26It worked.
0:46:26 > 0:46:28He taught me two things that day.
0:46:28 > 0:46:30One, some confidence - cos why be timid?
0:46:30 > 0:46:31Death is coming.
0:46:31 > 0:46:33And two...
0:46:33 > 0:46:34hypnosis.
0:46:38 > 0:46:42We can just have anything we want in our lives, and the only thing to fear is death,
0:46:42 > 0:46:44and that's happening anyway.
0:46:44 > 0:46:48The real problem, I find, is that we're getting older,
0:46:48 > 0:46:49and we have to be here for that.
0:46:49 > 0:46:51I turned 30 last year,
0:46:51 > 0:46:55and it was a bit of a crisis leading up to it, culminating in this.
0:46:55 > 0:47:00I was at the theatre, and I saw somebody who turned out to be 18. OK?
0:47:00 > 0:47:01So he was 18. All right?
0:47:01 > 0:47:03But he was so thin!
0:47:07 > 0:47:10And he was with a woman who turned out to be
0:47:10 > 0:47:14his mother, but she, it turned out, was a fan of mine, so that's good.
0:47:14 > 0:47:16She likes my work, I like her son. Great.
0:47:17 > 0:47:21Also, I've worked hard since the age of 14 to get to wherever the hell I am today,
0:47:21 > 0:47:25so if she's taken enjoyment from my work, I think I've earned her child.
0:47:27 > 0:47:31APPLAUSE
0:47:33 > 0:47:35We get talking, and they're uber-middle class.
0:47:35 > 0:47:38I'm from Essex, and this feels like I've arrived.
0:47:38 > 0:47:41We're talking about the play, poetry, having a wonderful time.
0:47:41 > 0:47:44I don't like to caricature, cos it feels crude and untrue.
0:47:44 > 0:47:47I wouldn't say this if it wasn't the case.
0:47:47 > 0:47:51He is speaking in that stereotypical way we imagine posh people speak,
0:47:51 > 0:47:54like that sort of "Fwoh-fwoh-fwoh", like that.
0:47:54 > 0:47:56He's actually speaking like that,
0:47:56 > 0:47:59like there's no need for him to be able to speak,
0:47:59 > 0:48:01like his mouth is full of pound coins.
0:48:01 > 0:48:03I don't know what it is.
0:48:03 > 0:48:05But I'm having a lovely time with both of them,
0:48:05 > 0:48:09and then after the play I meet up with just him outside the theatre. We're sat on the steps.
0:48:09 > 0:48:12It's about 11:30 in the evening.
0:48:12 > 0:48:15There's a frisson between us, romance in the air.
0:48:15 > 0:48:18His mother comes round the corner, and I feel awkward.
0:48:18 > 0:48:21I think, "The mother must love him and is protective of him."
0:48:21 > 0:48:25And she just says to him, "OK, goodbye, darling. See you later."
0:48:25 > 0:48:28Leaves me with her son. So I thought,
0:48:28 > 0:48:31"Well, she's given him to me."
0:48:36 > 0:48:38So I took him.
0:48:40 > 0:48:43He took me to this restaurant that he knew.
0:48:43 > 0:48:45We went to this restaurant and spoke for two hours.
0:48:45 > 0:48:50And he was actually much more mature and intelligent than you'd imagine for 18,
0:48:50 > 0:48:53and all those other things that people like me say.
0:48:56 > 0:49:00We started meeting up for these kind-of-dates.
0:49:00 > 0:49:02They weren't defined as such, but they were dates.
0:49:02 > 0:49:05Eventually, I invited him back to my flat.
0:49:05 > 0:49:08I felt strange and torn about inviting him.
0:49:08 > 0:49:10I wasn't sure if it'd be a bit too much for him.
0:49:10 > 0:49:14I'm not good at making the first move, like in terms of the first kiss.
0:49:14 > 0:49:17And I thought I would have to, cos I'm the responsible adult here.
0:49:20 > 0:49:24And then we were sat for, like, three hours on my sofa, just talking,
0:49:24 > 0:49:27and I couldn't make the move. I felt awkward about it.
0:49:27 > 0:49:31And it was hard for him as well, cos he's straight, so it's difficult.
0:49:31 > 0:49:33APPLAUSE
0:49:38 > 0:49:41But everything is seemingly leading towards this kiss.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43We're edging close to each other on the sofa.
0:49:43 > 0:49:45And I realised I had to kiss him,
0:49:45 > 0:49:47because I found myself fiddling with his hair.
0:49:47 > 0:49:51And I thought, "I've got to do the kiss now, because that's a precursor to a kiss."
0:49:51 > 0:49:55If you don't then do the kiss, you're just a weirdo who likes hair.
0:49:57 > 0:50:00"Oh, it's been lovely touching your hair this evening.
0:50:02 > 0:50:04"Let yourself out."
0:50:06 > 0:50:09APPLAUSE
0:50:12 > 0:50:18So I leaned in, and I kissed him on the lips and said,
0:50:18 > 0:50:20"I've just kissed you on the lips.
0:50:20 > 0:50:22"Is that OK?" And he said,
0:50:22 > 0:50:25POSH VOICE: "Oh, yah, that's fine, that's fine."
0:50:27 > 0:50:30And in that moment, I won £7.
0:50:35 > 0:50:38I leaned in again, I kissed him again.
0:50:38 > 0:50:41I said, "I've just kissed you on the lips again,"
0:50:41 > 0:50:43because kids love repetition.
0:50:47 > 0:50:49But we were having a laugh about it.
0:50:49 > 0:50:51I tried to make it fun, and I was making him laugh.
0:50:51 > 0:50:53He really liked that I kept doing,
0:50:53 > 0:50:55"Who is it? It's me."
0:50:55 > 0:50:56He loved that.
0:50:56 > 0:50:57Loved it.
0:50:57 > 0:51:00APPLAUSE
0:51:04 > 0:51:07And it was a really lovely experience for both of us.
0:51:07 > 0:51:11Don't regret any of it. It was a wonderful, beautiful, sensual evening,
0:51:11 > 0:51:14and I don't feel any shame or regret about it.
0:51:14 > 0:51:17There's one thing that makes me feel slightly odd about it,
0:51:17 > 0:51:22and it is that he did describe what we had done afterwards
0:51:22 > 0:51:25as "rumbly-tumbly".
0:51:29 > 0:51:33"A bit nervous at first, but, in the end, lovely bit of rumbly-tumbly."
0:51:39 > 0:51:42Now, look, it's not ideal being with an 18-year-old.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Nothing we could do about the fact
0:51:44 > 0:51:47if I'd met him five weeks before that, he would have been 17.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51Nothing we can do, nothing the police can do. No-one can do anything!
0:51:57 > 0:52:00I realise now that as well as being a worry about getting older,
0:52:00 > 0:52:02it was also an attempt to heal the past.
0:52:02 > 0:52:04When I was 18, it seemed impossible
0:52:04 > 0:52:06to be with another 18-year-old,
0:52:06 > 0:52:08so this was a moment of trying to heal
0:52:08 > 0:52:10that broken moment from the past.
0:52:10 > 0:52:14The great lesson in all of this came a few months ago.
0:52:14 > 0:52:16I had received a big bill to do with my flat.
0:52:16 > 0:52:19It was frustrating, it felt like an injustice.
0:52:19 > 0:52:22It was just this stupid, boring bill. Nothing I could do about it.
0:52:22 > 0:52:25And I was really annoyed by it,
0:52:25 > 0:52:27and I got in this minicab
0:52:27 > 0:52:30and I started telling the cab driver about it.
0:52:30 > 0:52:31He said to me,
0:52:31 > 0:52:33"Is there anything you can do about this bill?"
0:52:33 > 0:52:37And I said, "No, there's nothing I can do. It's a real injustice."
0:52:37 > 0:52:38And he said,
0:52:38 > 0:52:39"Acceptance."
0:52:42 > 0:52:46"What do you mean, whispering, wise cab driver?"
0:52:49 > 0:52:52And he explained so absurdly simply
0:52:52 > 0:52:56that if there's nothing you can do about something, then you do nothing.
0:52:56 > 0:52:59In that moment, the feeling of injustice, of frustration,
0:52:59 > 0:53:02it was lifted, it was gone. There was nothing to do.
0:53:02 > 0:53:05I realised I'd made it up that it was an injustice,
0:53:05 > 0:53:08I'd made up the frustration. It was all a story.
0:53:08 > 0:53:11And it's the same with the past. You can't change the past.
0:53:11 > 0:53:14There's no need to heal it. It's a story you've created.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16All you can do is let go of the story.
0:53:16 > 0:53:20You can't change yourself. All you can do is let go of the story of who you are,
0:53:20 > 0:53:22let go of the character you've created from fear.
0:53:22 > 0:53:24You can't change other people.
0:53:24 > 0:53:27All you can do is let go of your limited perspective of them.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30I really tried hard with my family
0:53:30 > 0:53:33on that stupid debate about my brother and his girlfriend.
0:53:33 > 0:53:37And they stuck with their perception, as they have a right to do.
0:53:37 > 0:53:39They said, "It's not our fault, it's your mother.
0:53:39 > 0:53:42"She would rather that he was with a Jewish girl."
0:53:42 > 0:53:45And my mum said, "No, what I've said is in an ideal world
0:53:45 > 0:53:48"he would be, but I'm happy that he's happy."
0:53:48 > 0:53:50It sounds positive, but she's creating another world
0:53:50 > 0:53:52where he's with someone else.
0:53:52 > 0:53:56So I said, "We've got to let go of this idea of an ideal world.
0:53:56 > 0:53:59"The world is how you perceive it. It's ideal if you want it to be.
0:53:59 > 0:54:03"And they're in love. Surely love is the ideal."
0:54:03 > 0:54:04And I won a bottle of champagne.
0:54:06 > 0:54:11Thank you very much for coming. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:41 > 0:55:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:55:44 > 0:55:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk